to bed and he not mind me at which motion I did and so left off for that time and at all times performed them against my will Oh horrible Blasphemy what not God see Oh it was a wonder of wonders that God should then have endured to see me any longer out of Hell oh infinite patience as for reading I got little good by it and desired to get less and as for hearing I must confess that those arrows shot at a venture God did cause them so many times to hit yea and peirce too that it busied both me and the devil to get them out again and to heal the wound but usually I fixed my mind upon somewhat else so that I seldome let any sentence sink too deep into my heart yea once the Devil and my own wicked heart did so sar prevail that I was fully resolved and in plain but damnable terms I did even curse God and as it were bid defiance to all his Ordinances and did rejoyce that I had my tongue and conscience so much at command oh and how can I hold my pen to write this wherefore do I not fall down and become nothing before the Lord of Glory against whom thus I have blasphemed but truly I would not have revealed this had I not such a place as the 12. of Matthew and the 31. verse to make to for a refuge After this I was wont to put that solemn Ordinance of Prayer to do the saddest service in the world and that frequently O pitty pitty it had such a cruel Master and that was I used it not to help me to destroy sin but made it a greater cause and means of my sinning for I had got the damnable Art as they say the Papists have at this day only I did not get so much by it as their Father Confessors doth that if I had said but two or three short ejaculations not with half the devotion that a Pater noster is said yea I say I had got that cursed Art to resist all gripes of conscience and to sin freely for a month or more and when conscience would let me alone no longer then to prayer again Oh Adamantine heart or rather stone that canst hold out to write these things and not to quake and tremble And now de his quid dicam these are the peccata peccatorum but what is that soul still alive that hath done these things what shall a poor worm curse God and not die what blaspheme the Ordinances of the Almighty and still live sure the Jealousie of a holy God will not suffer such a wretch to be in his sight But tell me is this man alive or hath the earth swallowed him up or the flames of hell caught hold of him certainly had he thus offended his fellow-worms they could not have born it and can I think that God will suffer such a man nay rather Devil incarnated to live in his sight Oh my soul make answer what alive yes yes but how is he hath he not his conscience seared and is not his condemnation sealed within himself and what doth he not look with horrour and amazement for the great day of the Lord No my hopes are to the contrary Nay I hope and not without cause that him hath the Lord set apart for himself and to his poor soul hath he shewed such mercies that it will make all that hear of it to admire and to say What is man that thou shouldest be mindfull of him but that the Lord should pitty such a loathsome creature as this and should say to such a vile brat then wallowing in its blood live Oh come come unto me all ye that fear the Lord Oh come unto me and I will tell you what he hath done for my soul he that is mighty hath done for me great things yea almost incredible things and holy is his Name Min. Well poor soul I will no longer detain thee concerning these things but now you having given me a very doleful account of your long convictions yet still lying bound with the chains of sin and under the command of Satan which doubtless had it gone no further but you had ended your life before the Lord had turned your convictions into conversion it would have proved such a worm that would to all eternity have gnawed thy conscience so that the pains would have been intollerable but blessed be God I am in great hopes to hear that from you which will put me out of fear and give me cause to admire the goodness and power of God Be very careful to keep your heart from pride and not to attribute any thing to your own goodness but to admire the grace of God and give glory to him and him alone Conv. Oh dear friend for so I will call you and all that gives me counsel about the good of my never dying soul I am glad that the Lord hath put this into yourheart and I do beg your prayers to God that he would still humble me more and more for I am sure pride is a weed that will grow in the best garden much more in mine which is a barren yet weedy soil but I have not done with all my soul-abasing considerations for when you have heard all which I through the grace of God am to declare unto you you will then say I have more cause to be humbled than ever therefore pride being such an enemy I will earnestly request you that when you hear me say any thing which doth savour of my own good and not purely of Gods Glory that you would reprove me and make me clear my meaning to you Min. I have still more cause to bless God for you in that you do so much suspect your own heart which is desperately wicked and deceitful And now to our present purpose what reason have you to think that your conversion was more effectually begun to be wrought upon you when you was about eighteen years of age Conv. Oh I have great cause to think so for then the Lord was pleased to work such a work in me that had it been told me before I could not in any wise have believed it Min. And now what do you think to be the first cause that moved you to set your face Sion-ward Conv. About two months before I saw the sinfulness of sin even then when I was to every good word and work a Reprobate and did deny no sin because it was sin although I might out of some self ends as to deny theft whoredom drunkenness and such like not that these in themselves were so detestable to me but for fear of outward trouble I did not practise them but being engaged in a great sin which was gaming which some may scruple whether it may be a sin or no but to me I am sure it was the occasion of many great sins as to cause me to swear and forswear and to lye and cheat in great measure and truly I think
a book which the Lord at that time opened my heart to ask for which was Drex d. Eternit and truly upon the perusal of that Treatise I think nay I am sure the burden of my sins seemed to be renewed and I cannot express that unspeakable sorrow which I then had in my poor soul by reason of all its mighty sins and truly I hope the mercy of God was not a little cause of my trouble to think that I should have none to offend and kick against but those bowels yea those tender bowels of pitty and compassion which had so long yearned over my poor soul and had so long shielded off the stroak of Justice which was so long hanging over my provoking head and then oh then I did unspeakably desire the pardon of my sins and then did feel the burden of them so unsupportable that I did earnestly beg of the Lord that they might be laid upon the Lord Jesus who was able to bear them and did endeavour by earnest Prayers to obtain a smile from God in and through Jesus Christ for out of Christ he was a terrible God and a consuming fire and so I forthwith resolved to take up with all outward duties as Prayer Reading Hearing Conferring with good Christians and I cannot but let you know that the first Sermon I heard in this condition was out of 1 Tim. 1.15 where it is said that Christ came into the world to save sinners of whom I not Paul only but I even I am chief and so I went on through fear and trembling and not without some joy and hopes that the Lord who had begun a good work in me would finish it in his good time which God grant for Christ his sake Min. And is this which you have spoken from your own experience is it indeed as I hope it is then I can no longer for bear but say with good Zacharias Blessed be the Lord God of Israel who hath visited and redeemed his people and amongst them thy poor soul and now I say again take heed of spiritual pride think very lowly of thy self and give glory to God And now Dear Heart give me leave for the good of thy eternal welfare to examine thee of some things which thou hast touched upon in the last Discourse that so I may be assured that that work which the Lord hath begun in thee may prove as a Tree planted and rooted in thy renewed heart by the Spirit of God and not of thine own seting And for the accomplishing of which weighty work it will be convenient to enquire what fruit it hath since born for the tree may be known by its fruit Therefore in brief what hast thou found in thy heart concerning sin Conv. Sin Truly I am not able now to express that unspeakable bitterness I then found in it oh how did I hate it and pursue it with the greatest zeal and detestation possible oh how did my heart rise at the very appearance of it and truly if it did not very greatly deceive me I think I hated it more than death it self and should have chosen death rather than wilfully committed the least known sin and if there had been no hell yet as I have often said sin should have been my hell and holiness my Heaven Min. I am glad to hear what thou hast said but what sins were they thou so hatedst it may be they were great and dreadful fins as Blasphemy and Murder c. but what didst thou think of heart sins and evil motions which I am sure would much beset thee Conv. Oh of I knew my own heart these were the greatest enemies that I had to encounter these were they that like unto so many Goliahs bid defiance to what Christ had wrought in my poor soul and did endeavour to retake the Fort-Royal of my heart which the Lord was about to make a Temple for his glorious Image to dwell in and oh Blessed be Free Grace and let all that hear of this stand and admire and give glory to God Min. The Lord preserve this blessed enmity still more and more in thy heart and now tell me which way thou wentest about to engage against and so to overcome these great Goliahs though commonly known by the name of peccadilloes Conv. Oh now now you come very neer me and this even pierces between the bone and marrow and the Lord who is the searcher of hearts and knoweth the thoughts and actings of every soul give me understanding in this point that I may say nothing but what I really found in my own soul Oh then I did presume too much upon my own strength and did not lay them at the feet of Christ whom then I hoped I took for my Lord and King and did not as I fear wholly depend upon his Kingly power which is to overcome and subdue all those enemies which rise up in the hearts of his Children and make war against him and would not that he should rule over them for surely had I thus done he would not have suffered them so often to assault me and even sometimes overcome me as I shall God willing make clear to you by and by Min. Still I have great cause to admire the goodness of God to thy poor soul in that he hath been pleased now to open thy eyes to see this thy great mistake which doubtless had not the Lord in time revealed it to thee it would have proved a sore evil and it may be thou mightest not have seen it before it had been too late and now tell me which way thou wentest about to destroy thy sins seeing thou wast ignorant in great measure in applying the death of Christ to kill them Conv. The chiefest instruments that I used in this work was Prayer and sometimes Fasting which I found very powerfull to batter down the strong holds of Satan in my poor soul for which doubtless I was not to be blamed if so be that I had used them only as a means to have raised up my heart to Christ and so as they were appointed of God to be the way and means whereby I might have recourse to him who alone is able for so great a work but woe to my ignorant and proud heart that would not totally submit to God but idolized Prayer and Repentance and Fasting as if these had been the Captains of the souls Salvation whereas they are but empty in themselves and nothing worth no more than as they lead me to Christ who alone is the Captain and horn of my Salvation Min. And now I think it will not be amiss to let me hear how you carryed your self in the great duty of Prayer and how soon you entred upon the duty Conv. The Lord was pleased within two or three dayes after my first trouble to incline my heart to seek him by Prayer which I used constantly twice a day besides some private ejaculations and sighes between whiles and I will now tell
you that for a little time about a month or two I was little satisfied no longer than I was engaged in such work as Reading Hearing deep Meditation but especially Prayer and these oh these were the Physitians that I look upon so much to work so great a cure upon my soul that none but Christ that great Physitian could do and truly the best of the Physitians were so full of ill humours themselves as pride self-confidence c. that without the Physick of Christs blood to purge and purifie them they would have stunke in the Nostrills of a holy and pure God as I am afraid they often did Min. Now you have given in an account about sin I would gladly hear what account you can give about the wayes of holiness and of grace and how you began to make your progress in this road Conv. I must be but very brief here for I have much to say about other things but I shall as the Lord shall enable me satisfie you in this as I told you before when the burthen of my sin first came upon me that then and likewise in the six years of my convictions I was fully convinced of the necessity of living a holy life and of the Beauty of Holiness and that without it there would be no salvation for without Holiness none shall see the Lord And upon this account I also earnestly besought the Lord by Prayer and Hearing and reading good Books which the Lord did mightily incline my heart to do and so every day I did more and more desire Holiness and did earnestly thirst after the image of God to be renewed upon my heart so that in short I found no rest any way but what I got by living holily and abstaining from sin and as my weak Physitians I mean my Prayers Hearing Reading Meditation Vows Resolutions c. I say as these was able to apply comfort to me so I had it and no longer being ignorant of the life of Faith in Christ and truly they proved very bad comforters and as I told you they wanted Christs blood to procure acceptation in the eyes of a pure and holy God which will regard them with favour no otherwise than as they are presented to him sprinkled with the blood of his Son Min. Methinks you seem to speak much against these duties and against holiness as if they were not altogether necessary to be imbraced do you not Conv. Oh no God forbid I hope I shall never so far speak against them as to neglect them in the least but this I have said that I may not look upon them any further than as they lead me to Christ for truly I have found nothing in the world so much hindered me of comfort wilfull sin only excepted as in laying so great a stress upon duties for certainly had I laid my foundation sure upon the Rock of Christ and not all upon my own righteousness I should never have been so much shaken and as I may say almost overturned with the assaults of sin and Satan but he would have upheld me with his everlasting armes that I should have been able long agoe to have triumphed in his merits over all the assaults that Satan and my own heart made against me Min. How long did you live upon the stock of your duties before the Lord was pleased to let you see your errour and how was your condition all this while as you thought your self Conv. I lived so about three years or more and in that time I had some sad declinings indeed every day almost I lost my God and the evidences of his love so as I thought my self happy longer than when I could perform duties with great zeal and with strong affections and then oftentimes I could have been willing to have dyed as I thought my heart did so rejoyce in them but when my heart was somewhat dead and flat then I was at a great loss and could find out no rest for the sole of my foot Min. This which you have said seems to me to be a little strange why where was your faith all this while you told me before that you durst not look to God but through Christ and you seemed then as you went along to make Christ your hope and Saviour and then how do you mean you did not rest in him Conv. This is somewhat hard to answer but I hope you will pardon my weakness and I will tell you as plain as I can and that only as my heart and Conscience witnesseth and not to take the help of any book to open it to me that so I may with more humble confidence say that these things I have seâ— down no otherwise but as my own spiriâ— by the assistance of Gods Spirit dictated to me and now I will tell you what I mean by what I have said I hope I looked upon Christ to be a compleat Saviour in every respect and I saw my great need of his blood to procure my pardon for my sins and I knew that it was only from his grace that I was in any measure sanctified and by this I hope I laid all my sins upon him and durst not in the least think of Answering for them my self before God and seemed to give him the glory in respect to any work of Holiness in my heart and so I did highly prize him and greatly delight in him and earnestly desired to love him and more and more to serve him and so I acted faith for three years but all this while I was not throughly convinced of the insufficiency of my own righteousness so as to lay that at Christs feet neither could I suppose it that one might be â—â—â—â—â—bâ—d by anothers righteousness but 〈…〉 that because I was not altogether 〈…〉 as others as I thought there 〈…〉 â—â—ould fare better than others and 〈…〉 mixed my own merits with Christs 〈◊〉 never came â—o far out of my self as to cast my righteousness as well as my sins at his seet and now what abundant cause have I to be humbled and to lye very low before God and still more and more to admire the infinite mercy and patience of God Oh that I who after I was much enlightened and had abundantly tasted and seen how good and gracious the Lord was I say that after all his unspeakable mercies to me how he brought me out of my Aegyptian bondage of sin and loosened me from many strong holds of Satan and brought me so near to his Fathers bosome that I was wont to be many times almost ravished with the fore-thoughts of that joy I did hope for in Heaven Oh that after he had passed me over the red Sea and when many of mine enemies were dead and beaten back and that after he had tryed me a little in the Wilderness of this World then he would have brought me safe into Canaan Oh that I should be so disingenious as to set up a Calf I mean my own Righteousness
defilements and taken out her stains and have decked her with his Jewels and put on her Wedding Garment That Day is coming O my soul when will the shaddows flee away when will Days and Nights be all at an end when will time be spent when shall the Curtain be drawn O that that 's the place thou shalt then love that precious Jesus with a Seraphick and Angel-like love thou wilt then as much delight and rejoyce in him as Abraham David and Paul did Thy drowsie Soul shall be as nimble and active in the service of thy great Maker as Enoch and Elias thou shalt praise him Day and Night and be no more weary than the Angels themselves thou shalt perfectly understand the vvill of God and readily obey it thou shalt be holy as God is holy And what vvould you now give for such a frame hovv glad vvould you be to feel a connaturality to divine imployments hovv happy vvould you think your selves if your heart vvere alvvayes as God vvould have it Is it not for this that you fast and pray Is it not for this that you hear read and meditate Is not this the end of Sacraments Well be of good cheer in Mount Zion there shall be deliverance and holiness Obed. 17. And is all this nothing seemeth it still a small priviledge to be a Child of God and like our Father vvho that understands this vvould not bid Death vvelcome and say novv Grave do thy vvorst Ask Paul and he vvill tell you that upon this account he groans enquire of David and he vvill let you understand that he never expects satisfaction till he avvake vvith God's likeness Psal 17. 3. Another thing vvherein the blessedness of a Christian at Death lyes is this the sight of Christ What can be more desired by a Child of God than to behold and enjoy him by vvhom all the mercies we have and all that we expect slow in to us Eph. 1.11 That good old Saint Luk. 2.30 thought it a Heaven upon Earth to see him though his Majesty was vailed and the brightness of his glory wrapped up and covered by his humanity he doth sing a Requiem to his Soul and say Now let thy Servant depart in peace for mine Eyes have seen thy Salvation How were Peter James and John affected at his transfiguration Mat. 17 2. What an admirable frame doth the Spouse seem to be in when she saw only the shadow and back-parts of this beloved one Cant. 5.16 She can't tell when to have done commending of him But all this is but a small thing compared to the sight which they shall see when their graces shall be compleat and their Soul like him and then shall they behold the King in his beauty no longer the contempt and scorn of the World no longer in poverty and want no longer crucified and rejected but Jesus the express Image of his Father and the brightness of his glory accompanyed with Millions of Angels all at his command and yet for all this casting a gracious Eye upon them then shall the Soul behold him face to face who did and suffered such wonderful things for it 't was he that came out of his Fathers bosome 't was he that stept out of his Throne and put off his Robes that came leaping over the Mountains and skipping over the Hills running thorow a thousand difficulties that he might pluck thee out of thy misery and deliver thee out of the paw of the Lyon and the Bear that he might redeem thee from the power of Sin Death and Hell How will the Heavens eccho with Songs of joy when the Bride the Lamb's Wife shall come to dwell with her Husband for ever Isay 33.17 Christ is the desire of Nations the joy of Angels the delight of the Father and he in whom he is well pleased What solace then must that Soul be filled with that hath the possession of him to all Eternity Is not his love better than wine and a look of his countenance to be preferred before Corn and Oyl Is not his kindness to be valued above life it self What meanest thou then O my Soul that thou dost so dread his coming Why art thou so loath to be with him Why art thou afraid of the enjoyment of him Will thy Redeemer make thee a slave hath Heaven changed his Nature and made him less desirable Will thy Saviour make thee miserable Awake then O ye Saints and stand a tip-toe wait watch and long till thou see him who alone can fill thy Soul fight strive and run till you enjoy One smile of his one look of his love is worth the pleasures of ten Worlds where is thy heart where are thy desires what 's become of thy love if Christ doth not affect draw and fire thee what will but when thou shalt see Christ indeed his very looks will so warm thy Soul that thou shalt in a moment feel a divine flame which shall never be extinguished as long as Christ the object of thy love shall live the sight of Christ will put new life into thy Soul and make thy love and joy fresh for ever this is he O my Soul that was wounded that thou mightest be healed this is he who was Crowned vvith Thorns that thou mightest be Crovvned vvith Glory this this is he that dyed that thou mightest live Is not all the Glory of Heaven vvrapped up in him Are not the Treasures of divine kindness which vvere sometimes hid in him novv opened Tell me now O my soul is there any in tvvo Worlds comparable to him Was not that he that sheltered thee from the storms of God's vvrath Was not that precious Body the Shield vvhich blunted the Svvord of Justice and kept the Arrovves of the Almighty from doing dreadful execution upon thee an Enemy Traytor and Rebel Was it not he that laid dovvn the price that bought thy pardon that purchased this Inheritance vvas it not he that fed thee vvith his Body that broached his heart blood to quench the thirst of thy Soul the lusts of thy heart and the flames of God's indignation Look upon him is he not made up of love I see now it is not for nothing that the Virgins did love him it was not vvithout good reason that the Spouse vvas sick it vvas not vvithout very good cause that the Saints did so long to be vvith him to be with him did I say vvho that hears of him can choose but vvish to see him vvho that sees him can live without him who that lives vvith him can leave him What mean the World Sure they are dead blind or mad but vvhere am I now This is a subject so svveet that I can't tell hovv to make an end O that I might see knovv and enjoy look dear Jesus upon me and let me go and tell the World thy beauties let me every day have a little sight of thee that I may commend thee a thousand times more feelingly and that I may
do for thee what shall I say unto thee I could be contented that these lines were writ with my very heart blood so that they might affect thee O I had rather dye than receive another such letter from you I could not relish it it was bitter I could not see the name of dear Jesus in it how can I think of your blind superstition and not mourn and lament over a dead soul you say you are sorry and you are troubled What is the matter are you sorry that I should concern my self about my soul and about yours you would not trouble your self about these things now if not now I pray when will you at the hour of death at the day oâ— Judgement O then it will be too late O now oâ— never delayes are dangerous O Eternity Eternity O where shall yours and my soul dwell tâ— all Eternity Oh either in heaven or in hell either with Christ or devils the soul that siâ— shall dye your debt is great the justice of God must be satisfied and nothing can do it but thâ— blood of Jesus O for this precious Jesus make not light of Christ he is precious he is altogether lovely I would not for ten thousand world quit my share in him and in that which is the matter of your fear you complain that I have leâ—â— the wayes of our fore-fathers I seâ—â— you take the shadow for the substance what 〈◊〉 the Cross in Baptism without the Baptisme 〈◊〉 the spirit what good will the bowing at thâ— name of Jesus do them which persecute him iâ— his members and have him not formed in their hearts O that God would cut asunder your false hopes if Christ were in you yoâ— would rejoyce to think that he hath been aâ— work in my soul was I born with these principles which you read in my last Letters I am surâ— I was once of an other mind than now I am but blessed yea admired be free grace which hath made me to differ from my self and others 〈◊〉 am afraid you understand not my meaning wheâ— I speak of love to God and Regeneration as long as I only concerned my self about the World anâ— not my soul you kindly entertained my letters but no sooner did I speak of repentance and thâ— affairs of our poor never-dying souls but then you are troubled and cannot bear it I tell you I lay dead almost eighteen years and then I had a gracious wound from my dear God which made me cry out where am I I am undone I am undone my sin will damn me O what shall I do for a Christ And at this rate he goes on writing many letters which did all breath a divine spirit 6. He was very spiritual in his discourse and by that he put life into most of them that conversed with him how helpful was he to young Christians how ready to hearten them up in the wayes of God and how able to discover to them the policies of Satan he was scarce in his element but when he was doing or receiving of good he studied Mr. Herbert Palmer's little Book about making Religion ones business and he did in a great measure put it into practice To use his own expressions I did saith he labour to spiritualize common action and to serve God in serving my master with diligence cheerfulness and faithfulness O what resort was there of young ones to him for direction and advice in things which they did not think it so fit to trouble their Pastor with and how did he endeavour to season his fellow servants with grace When he went to any of his Masters Patients how diligent in using of means for their recovery and how careful to drop something that might tend to the health of their souls and as he had opportunity amongst the weaker and poorer sort he would pray with them and O with what vehemency of spirit with what fluency of expression and with what mighty affections would he do it I need not tell some of you how helpfull he hath been to the bodies and souls of the sick and upon this account he looked upon it as a great mercy that the Lord had called him to such an employment wherein he had such singular advantages to deal with poor souls about the affairs of Eternity I question noâ— but there are some standing here that have cause to bless God that ever they saw his face and I believe that some of you that are young and poor will quickly dearly miss him 7. He was exceedingly raised in duty and one that injoyed rare communion intimacy and acquaintance with God and for about five moneths as his own papers shew together he rarely came into the presence of God but he went away with some special tokens of his love so that he said he could have been contented to have left the world at a quarter of an hours warning Hear how his Papers speak My soul continued if my heart do not mightily deceive me in a thriving condition for five moneths O the comforts that I then had they are unspeakable I seldome went to duty but carryed my dear Saviour and brought him away with me every Ordinance was a visit of love my love to Jesus Christ and his members whereever I saw them was not to be expressed what hatred to sin what zeal for Gods glory what yerning of bowels towards poor souls in the state of nature how beautiful were the feet of the Embassadors of peace what a fulness and sweetness did I then see and feel in Christ ever hungring after him and ever satisfied with him and him alone what affections God-ward what despising of visibles what deep apprehensions of the Majesty and Attributes of God how did I walk unweariedly with him how did I rejoyce before him with fear and trust filially in him with trembling O what watchfulness over my thoughts words and actions Indeed I was often assaulted but I had a faithful Centinel which would give warning and admit of none but such as were friends to the Lord Jesus what low thoughts had I of my self and high prizings of a naked Christ Oh Sir in one word I made Religion my business and was taken up with that which concerned the glory of God every grace was at strife which should excell other in its actings I could never go to market but I could experience returns of Grace and Mercy In this I have not varied two words from his own writings in a letter that he gave me wherein he did grievously bewail the least departures of his heart from God as you shall hear in the next 8. He took special notice of his own heart and did mightily bewail any declinings from that vigour that sometimes he had and here I shall again use his words as they follow But this did not continue long it was as a calm before a storm for soon after my time being almost out I began to have some thoughts of my setting up and
but I doubt not but the hand of God was in it although I saw it not at that present but since I have and in short it was thus a little while after my last discourse as I think my heart was drawn after the vanities of this world more than ordinary and at the time I likened the estate of my soul to the condition of a fair Virgin that had many Suitors but one she would love and choose above the rest but she being not yet marryed they all make out for her love which is no small trouble to her and doth somewhat make her doubt which she shall have but so soon as she is marryed to one of them then she dares not think of entertaining the others upon that account even so I looked upon my poor soul and that if she was but solemnly marryed to Christ I mean in the Sacrament then she durst not so much as think of embracing either sin or the World or the Devil but still righteous self lay all this while secure Upon these and such like considerations I went to a faithful Divine to ask advice of him concerning this great duty and when I was with him he examined me why and how I came to embrace Religion and when I had given him the heads only of the first account concerning compunction he asked me who I might thank for all this but I being somewhat slow of answer he told me Christ and him alone and gave me some short but sweet advice inviting me to be a guest at his Masters table which was the intention of my going which was more than he then knew on and so dismissed me and oh how did I then rejoyce that I was found worthy to be invited to so great a banquet and now how did I think my condition unquestionable and nothing troubled me but want of assurance to persevere and although the Doctor gave me a great caution to lay all upon Christ and not any thing upon self as I now consider but yet my eyes were so blind and my heart so deceitful that I soon forgot it and so I prepared my heart as well as I could and so addressed my self to the Lords Table and was so far as I can understand made more welcome I am sure than I deserved and then I did feel the Lord with his cords of love drawing hard at my poor soul and so I exercised my love upon Christ and so far as I know enjoyed sweet communion with him but this lasted no longer than my heart was enlarged in secret duties but when they departed then my soul mourned and could not be satisfied with a naked Christ whilest my enlargements returned again to me and by this I perceive I rested in duties and not in Christ and now once more as short as I can and then I will conclude with this but I cannot be so short but I must a little stand and admire at the unspeakable long-suffering patience of God and oh that you would help me in this matter for I profess I am much ashamed and desire to be more of my own heart that it should be barren of praises to that God that hath done sure as much or more for my poor soul as to any since the Creation of the World Oh that Christ who could have raised a Child out of the very stones that would have done far more for him than I have or can do Oh I say that he who could with one look have looked me into Hell should so long stand at the door of my heart and knock till his head was filled with dew and his Locks with the drops of the night Oh that he should stand weeping knocking begging and waiting and crying Open to me Oh that his tears should begg and his groans knock and that his patience should tarry and wait and all should so long cry Oh open to me open to me Oh that sin and self should lodge in my heart and Christ wait so long at the door Oh that I should carry damnation within and let salvation waite without and now I should go about to offer praises to God for this Oh I wish that I could but truly I cannot as I would Oh I cannot and I humbly desire to acknowledge the barrenness of my heart in this and am silent and now pray lend me your patience but a very little and I fear your heart will be straightened with praises to God as well as mine for now the Lord was pleased to encline my heart to read part of two books one of the two was that which I above two years before rejected I will name them viz. the sincere Convert and sound Believer both by one Author T. S. and when I was Reading concerning the souls resting in duties and how hard a thing it was to forsake all its own good and wholly to throw it self upon a naked Christ and then concerning the nature of true humiliation I was much troubled and my thoughts were much perplexed in so much that I thought to open my case to some Divine but to this trouble another was added which was that at that time the Lord was pleased to let me see my own nakedness so much and that which I took to be a covering to it made it seem to be much more naked than I could have imagined it to be that then I thought the more I prayed the more I sinned and the more I Confessed and Repented and Bewailed my own wretched heart especially in the time of duty the more I had cause to do so still and now I looked upon my self in a most sad and destitute condition for how could I choose when I saw my own goodness departing from me which I idolized as the rock of my Salvation and when I saw such a numberless number of sins come afresh into my mind especially in the time of duty that it seemed to me as if the Devil had conjured up all those sins that I thought was long before slain and he himself had been their Captain and had unawares assaulted me and had taken my duty which I made then the Captain of my Salvation prisoner and I alone left to encounter with them without the least weapon to defend my poor soul and oh had these and the pangs of death met together Oh what horrour and amazement would there have been but blessed be God it was before now to say how long I was in this case I cannot well tell but I saw my idol God so accused and condemned and my hatred to him was so great that I hope I did desire never to cease my earnest Prayers to the true God that he would 01 have this usurper executed and likewise I did as I was able earnestly begg of the Lord that he would give me strength to resist him so that he might never sit upon his Throne more and then I did see through admiring Grace the want of Christ more than ever not only to cover