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A30143 Grace abounding to the chief of sinners, or, A brief and faithful relation of the exceeding mercy of God in Christ, to his poor servant John Bvnyan wherein is particularly shewed, the manner of his conversion, his fight and trouble for sin, his dreadful temptations, also how he despaired of Gods mercy, and how the Lord at length thorow [sic] Christ did deliver him from all the guilt and terrour that lay upon him : whereunto is added, a brief relation of his call to the work of the ministry, of his temptations therein, as also what he hath met with in prison : all which was written by his own hand there, and now published for the support of the the weak and tempted people of God. Bunyan, John, 1628-1688. 1666 (1666) Wing B5523; ESTC R3994 67,228 108

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this sentence fell upon my Soul Thy righteousness is in Heaven and methought withall I saw with the eyes of my Soul Jesus Christ at Gods right hand there I say as my Righteousness so that where-ever I was or whatever I was a doing God could not say of me He wants my Righteousness for that was just before him I also saw moreover that it was not my good frame of Heart that made my Righteousness better nor yet my bad frame that made my Righteousness worse for my Righteousness was Jesus Christ himself the same yesterday to day and for ever Heb. 13.8 184. Now did my chains fall off my Legs indeed I was loosed from my affliction and irons my temptations also fled away so that from that time those dreadful Scriptures of God left off to t●ouble me now went I also home rejoycing for the grace and love of God So when I care home I looked to see if I could find that Sentence Thy Righteousness is in Heaven but could not find such a Saying wherefore my Heart began to sink again onely that was brought to my remembrance He is made unto us of God Wisdom Righteousness Sanctification and Redemption by this word I saw the other Sentence true 185. For by this Scripture I saw that the Man Christ Jesus as he is distinct from us as touching his bodily presence so he is our Righteousness and Sanctification before God here therefore I lived for some time very sweetly at peace with God thorow Christ O methought Christ Christ there was nothing but Christ that was before my eyes I was not now onely for looking upon this and the other benefit of Christ apart as of his Blood Burial or Resurrection but considered him as whole Christ as he in whom all these and all his other Vertues Relations Offices and Operations met together and that on the right hand of God in Heaven 186. 'T was glorious to me to see his exaltation and the worth and prevalencie of all his benefits and that because of this Now I could look from my self to him and should reckon that all those Graces of God that now were green in me were yet but like those crack'd-Groats and Four-pence-half-pennies that rich men carry in their Purses when their Gold is in their Trunks at home O I saw my Gold was in my Trunk at home in Christ my Lord and Saviour Now Christ was all all my Wisdom all my Righteousness all my Sanctification and all my Redemption 187. Further The Lord did also lead me into the mystery of Union with this Son of God that I was joyned to him that I was flesh of his flesh and bone of his bone and now was that a sweet word to me in Ephes. 5.3 By this also was my faith in him as my Righteousness the more confirmed to me for if he and I were one then his Righteousness was mine his Merits mine his Victory also mine Now could I see my self in Heaven and Earth at once in Heaven by my Christ by my Head by my Righteousness and Life though on Earth by my Body or Person 188. Now I saw Christ Jesus was looked on of God and should also be looked upon by us as that common or publick person in whom all t●e whole Body of his Elect are always to be considered and reckoned that we fulfilled the Law by him died by him rose from the dead by him got the Victory over sin death the devil and hell by him when he died we died and so of his Resurrection Thy dead men shall live together with my dead body shall they arise saith he Isa. 26. and again After two dayes he will revive us and the third day we shall live in his sight Hos. 6.2 which is now fulfilled by the sitting down of the Son of Man on the right hand of the Majesty in the Heavens according to that to the Ephesians He hath raised us up together and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus Ephes. 2.6 189. Ah these blessed consi●erations and Scriptures with many other of a like nature were in those days made to spangle in mine eyes Praise ye the Lord God in his Sanctuary praise him in the firmament of his power praise him for his mighty acts praise him according to his excellent greatness Psal. 150.1 2. 190. Having thus in few words gi●en you a taste of the sorrow and affliction that my Soul went under by the guilt and terror that this my wicked thought did lay me under and having given you also a touch of my deliverance therefrom and of the sweet and blessed comfort that I met with afterwards which comfort dwelt about a twelve-month with my heart to my unspeakable admiraration I will now God willing before I proceed any further give yo● in a word or two what as I conceive was the cause of this Temptation and also after tha● what advantage at t●e last it became unto my Soul 191. For the causes I conceived they were principally two of which two also I was deeply convinced all the time this trouble lay upon me The first was Fo● that I did not when I was delive●ed from the Temptation that went before still pray to God to keep me from Temptations that were to come for though as I can say in truth my Soul was much in prayer before this tryal seized me yet then I prayed onely or at the most principally for the re●oval of present troubles and for f●esh discoveries of love in Christ which I saw afte●wards was not enough to do I also should have prayed that the great God would keep me from the evil that was to come 192. Of th●s I was made deeply sensible by the Prayer of holy David who when he was under present mercy yet prayed that God would hold him back from sin and temptation to come For then saith he shall I be upright and I shall be innocent from the GREAT transgression Psal. 19.13 by this very word was I gau●ed and condemned quite thorow this long temptation 193. That also was another word that did much condemn me for my folly in the negle●t of this duty Heb. 4.16 Let us theref●●e come boldly to the Throne of Grace that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need this I had not done and therefore was suffered thus to sin and fall according to what is written Pray that ye enter not into temptation and t●uly this ve●y thing is to this day of such weight and awe upon me that I dare not when I come befo●e the Lo●d go off my knees until I intreat him for help and mercy against the te●ptations that are to come and I do beseech thee Reader that thou learn to beware of my negligence by the affliction that for this thing I did for days and months and years with sorrow undergoe 194. Another cause of this temptation was That I had tempted God and on this manner did I do it Upon a
time my Wife was great with Child and before her full time was come her pangs as of a woman in travel were fierce and s●rong upon her even as if s●e would immediately have fallen in labour and been delivered of an untimely birth now at this very time it was that I had been so strongly tempted to question the ●eing of God wherefore as my Wife lay crying by me I said but with all secresie immaginable even thinking in my heart Lord if thou wilt now remove this sad affliction from my Wife and cause that she be troubled no more therewith this night and now we●e her pangs just upon her then shall know that thou canst discern the most secret thought of the heart 195. I had no sooner said it in my ●ea●t but her pangs were taken f●om her and she was cast into a deep sleep and so she continued till morning at this I greatly marvelled not knowing what to think but after I had been awake a good while and heard her c●y no more I fell to sleeping al●o So when I waked in the morning it came upon me again even what I had said in my heart the last night and how the Lo●d had s●ewed me that he knew my secr●t t●oughts which was a great astonishment unto me for several weeks after 196. Well about a year and an half afterwards that wicked sinful thought of which I have spoken before went thorow my wicked heart even this thought Let Christ go if he will so when I was fallen under guilt for this the remembrance of my other thought and of the effect thereof vvould also come upon me vvith this retort vvhich carried also rebuke along vvith it Now you may see that God doth know the most secret thoughts of the heart now you may see that God doth know the most secret thoughts of the heart 197. And with this that of the passages that was betwixt the Lord and his servant Gideon fell upon my spirit how because that Gideon tempted God vvith his Fleece both vvet and dry vvhen he should have believed and ventured upon his Word therefore the Lord did afte●wards so try him as to send him against an innumerable company of Enemies and that too as to outward appearance vvithout any strength or help Judg. Chap. 6 7. Thus he se●ved me and that justly for I should have believed his Word and not have put an if upon the all-seeingness of God 198. And now to shew you something of the advantages that I also gained by this Temptation And first By this I vvas made continually to possess in my Soul a very vvonderful sence both of the being and glory of God and of his beloved Son in the temptation befo●e my Soul vvas perplexed vvith Atheism but now the case vvas otherwise novv vvas God and Christ continually before my face though not in a vvay of comfort but in a vvay of exceeding dread and terrour The glory of the Holiness of God did at this time break me to pieces and the Bovvels and Compassion of Christ did break me as on the Wheel for I coul● not consider him but as a lost and rejected Christ the remembrance of vvhich vvas as the continual breaking of my bones 199. The Sc●iptures now also vvere vvonderful things unto me I savv that the truth and verity of them vve●e the Keys of the Kingdom of Heaven those the Scriptures favour they must inherit bliss but those they oppose and condemn must perish for evermore O this vvord For the Scriptures cannot be broken vvould ●end the caul of my heart and so vvould that other Whose sins ye remit they are remitted but whose sins ye retain they are retained Novv I savv the Apostles to be the Elders of the City of Refuge Josh. 20.4 those they vvere to receive in vvere received to Life but those that they shut out vvere to be slain by the avenger of blood 200. O! one sentence of the Scripture did more afflict and terrifie my mind I mean those sentences that stood against me as sometimes I thought they every one did more I say than an Army of forty thousand men that might have come against me Wo be to him against vvhom the Scriptures bend themselves 201. By this Temptation I vvas made see more into the nature of the P●omise then ever I vvas before for I lying novv trembling under the mighty hand of God continually torn and rent by the thunderings of his Justice this made me vvith ca●eful heart and vvatchful eye vvith great seriousness to turn over every leaf and with much diligence mixt vvith trembling to consider every sentence together vvith its natural fo●ce and latitude 202. By this Temptation also I vvas greatly bea●en oft my former foolish practice of putting by the Word of Promise v●hen it came into my mind for now though I could not suck that comfort and sweetness from the Promise as I had done at other times yet like to a man a sinking I should catch at all I saw formerly I thought I might not meddle with the Promise unless I felt its comfort but now 't was no time thus to do the Avenger of blood too hardly did pursue me 203. Now therefore I was glad to catch at that word which yet I feared I had no ground nor right to own and even to leap into the Bosom of that Promise that yet I feared did shut its heart against me Now also I should labour to take the wo●d as God had laid it down without restraining the natural force of one syllable thereof O what did I now see in that blessed sixth of John And him that comes to me I will in no wise cast out now I began to consider with my self that God had a bigger mouth to speak with than I had heart to conceive with I thought also with my self that he spake not his words in haste or in an unadvised hear but with infinite wisdom and judgement and in very truth and faithfulness 2 Sam. 3.28 204. I should in these dayes often in my greatest agonies even flounce towards the Promise as the horses do towards sound ground that yet stick in the mire concluding though as one almost bereft of his vvits through fear on this I will rest and stay and leave the fulfilling of it to the God of heaven that made it O! many a pull hath my heart had with Sa●an for that blessed sixth of John I did not now as at other times look principally for comfo●t though O how welcome would it have been unto me but now a Word a Word to lean a weary Soul upon that I might not sink for ever 205. Yea often when I have been making to the Promise I have seen as if the Lord would ●efuse my Soul for ever I vvas often as if I had run upon the pikes and as if the Lord had thrust at me to keep me from him as with a flaming sword Then I should think of Esther who went to petition
are eternal and thus I reasoned with my self If I provide onely for a prison then the whip comes at unawares and so does also the pillory again if I provide onely for these then I am not fit for banishment further if I conclude that banishment is the worst then if death come I am surprized so that I see the best way to go thorow sufferings is to trust in God thorow Christ as touching the world to come and as touching this world to count the grave my house to make my bed in darkness to say to Corrup●ion Thou art my Father and to the Worm Thou art my Mother and Sister that is to familiarize these things to me 260. But notwithstanding these helps I found my self a man and compassed with infirmities the parting with my Wife and poor Children hath oft been to me in t●is place as the pulling the flesh from my bones and that not onely because I am somewhat too too fond of these great mercies but also because I should have often brought to my mind the many hardships mise●ies and wants that my poor family was like to meet with should I be taken from them especially my poor blind Child who lay nea●er my heart than all I had besides O the thoughts of the har●ship I thought this might go under would break my heart to pieces 261. Poor Child thought I what sorrow art thou like to have for thy portion in this world thou must be ●eaten must beg suffer hunger cold nakedness and a thousand calamities though I cannot now endure the wind should blow upon thee but yet recalling my self thought I I must venture you all with God though it goeth to the quick to leave you O I saw in this condition I was as a man who was pulling down his house upon the head of his Wife and Children yet thought I I must do it I must do it and now I thought of those two milch Kine that were to carry the Ark of God into another Country and to leave their Calves behind them 1 Sam. 6.10 11 12. 262. But that which helped me in this temptation was divers considerations of which th●ee in special here I will name the first was the consideration of those two Scriptures Leave thy fatherless children I will preserve them alive and let thy ●idows trust in me and again The Lord said Verily it shall go well with thy remnant verily I will cause the enemy to entreat thee well in the time of evil c. 263. I had also this consideration that ●f I should now venture all for God I engaged God to take care of my concernments but if I forsook him and his ways for fear of any trouble that should come to me or mine then I should not only falsifie my profession but should count also that my conce●nments were not so sure if left at Gods feet while I stood to and for his Name as they would be if they were under my own tuition though with the denial of the way of God This was a smarting consideration and was as spurs unto my flesh that Scripture also greatly helped it to fasten the more upon me where Christ p●ays against Judas that God wou●d disappoint him in all his selfish thoughts which moved him to sell his Master Pray read it soberly Psal. 109.6 7 8 c. 264. I had also another consideration and that was The dread of the torments of Hell which I was sure they must partake of that for fear of the Cross do shrink from their profession of Christ his Word and Laws ●efore the sons of men and of the glory that he had prepared for those that in faith and love and patience stood to his ways before them These things I say have helped me when the thoughts of the misery that both my self and mine might for the sake of my profession be exposed to hath lain pinching on my mind 265. When I have indeed conceited that I might be banished for my Profes●ion then I have thought of that Scripture They were stoned they were sawn asunder were tempted were slain with the sword they wandered about in sheep-skins and goat-skins being destitute afflicted tormented of whom the world was not worthy for all they thought they were too bad to dwell and abide amongst them I have also thought of that saying The holy Ghost witnesseth in every city that bonds and afflictions abide me I have ve●ily thought that my Soul and it have sometimes reasoned about the sore sad estate of a banished and exiled condition how they are exposed to hunger to cold to perils to nakedness to enemies and a thousand calamities and at last it may be to die in a di●ch like a poor forlorn and desolate sheep But I thank God hitherto I have not been moved by these most delicate reasonings but have rather by them more approved my heart to God 266. I will tell you o● a pretty business I was once above all the rest in a very fa●t and low condition for many weeks at which time also I being but a young Prisoner and not acqu●inted with the Laws had this lay much upon my spirit That my imprisonment might end at the Gallows for ought that I could tell now therefore Satan said hard at me to beat me out of heart by suggesting thus unto me But how if when you come indeed to die you should be in this condition that is as not to savour the things of God not to have any evidence upon your soul for a better state hereafter for indeed at that time all the things of God were hid from my soul. 267. Wherefore when I at first began to think of this it was a great trouble to me for I thought with my self that in the condition I now was in I was not fit to die neither indeed did think I could if I should be called to it besides I thought with my self if I should make a scrabling shif● to clamber up the Ladder yet I should either with quaking or other symptoms of faintings give occa●ion to the enemy to reproach the way of God and his People for their timerousness this therefore lay with great trouble upon me for methought I was ashamed to die with a pale face and tottering knees for such a Cause as this 268. Wherefore I prayed to God that he would co●fort me and give me strength to do and suffer what he should call me to yet no comfort appear'd but all continued hid I was also at this time so really possessed with the thought of death that oft I was as if I was on the Ladder with the Rope about my neck onely this was some encouragement to me I thought I might have now an opportunity to speak my last words to a multitude which I thought would come to see me die and thought I if it must be so if God will but convelt one Soul by my very last words I shall for count my life thrown away nor lost