A Journey to Hell OR A Uisit paid to the Devil A POEM LONDON Printed and are to be Sold by the Booksellers of London and Westminster 1700. THE PREFACE SINCE a Poet in a piece of Satyr like a Passionate Man in a Skirmish may by accident offend those he never designed to meddle with the Author lest People should think he has too far jested with an Edge-Tool has thought fit to declare that he had no other Intention in the following Poem than to apply it as a Carpenter does his Axe when to the hazard of its Edge he strikes at those stubborn and irregular Knots which are a discredit to the Tree and lessen the value of the Timber Or as a Surgeon handles his Lancet when he lays open a corrupt Member which is both troublesome and scandalous to the sound parts of the Body It is evident enough there is no Church in the World but what has received some Blemishes from her Priests meaning some few who for want of either Learning Prudence or Piety have been a dishonour to their Function such only I accuse and I hope should I blame Peter for denying his Master or Judas for betraying Him the rest of the Apostles would have no reason to be angry If I am condemn'd for Arraigning 'em in the Lower Regions which some of 'em have good reason to hope was prepar'd only for us Laymen I have only this to say that I am not the first that has plac'd a vicious Clergyman in the Infernal Territories for Michael Angelo the Famous Roman Painter in his Resurrection in St. Peter's Chapel had the presumption to paint a Cardinal in Hell so very like the grave Father he represented that every body knew the Picture which put the good Old Gentleman under so great a Dissatisfaction that he complain'd to the Pope and desir'd he would Command it should be rub'd out who told him he was got quite out of his Jurisdiction saying If he had been but a step on this side he could have released him from Purgatory but having not the Keys of Hell from thence there could be no Redemption The next part of my Apology is to the Learned Professors both of Law and Physick for whom as well as the Orthodox Clergy of the English Church I have a peculiar Veneration who cannot be insensible what swarms of hungry and unskilful Practicers in both Sciences there are who fraudulently prey upon the honest Labours of the Publick at such only is this Satyr pointed who support themselves basely by others Ruin and have no just Prospect for want of true Knowledge in their Business to preserve themselves from Beggary but by often bringing others into it one side plunging their Clients further into Trouble instead of helping them out and the other instead of recovering their Patients of Curable Distempers will if they be Poor thro' neglect or if Rich by delays of Cure for Interest sake be the Death of some and the undoing of others to their whole Lives Misery Therefore since it as essentially relates to the Comforts of the Life of Man to know what other People are as well as what he himself should be I thought it no Ill Task to Communicate to the World what knowledge of Mankind I have gather'd from my own Experience the Good wont hurt us 't is the Bad we must be Cautious how we deal with for which reason I have herein separated the Wicked from the Godly representing only the former to show Youth what Monsters in Humane Shape they must expect to meet with in this World tho' of the most Noble Professions Therefore my whole Design is only to make Men careful with what Priests they trust their Souls with what Lawyers their Estates and with what Physicians their Bodies And if this Part of my Undertaking succeed well and that the World is pleased with it they shall hear further from me on the same Subject for in this I had not room to half finish my Design So Farewel A Journey to Hell OR A Uisit paid to the Devil CANTO I. WHEN Western Clouds involv'd the God of Light And all the Eastern starry Orbs look'd bright When Sots their Tavern Bacchanals begun And Thetis at a draught drank up the Sun Whilst Luna with her Silver Horns drew near To bless the Night and bear Dominion here 'T was then that I my better self my Soul Broke loose and thro' my Prison Casements stole And glad I 'd shifted off my Earthly Chains Danc'd like a flaming Vapour round the Plains I then thro' Brakes and over Whirl-Pools flew Till tir'd with only superficial view Then into Holes and Crannies did I dive Where Badger Fox and sundry Vermine live Where Moles were labouring to enlarge their Homes And buzzing Bees made Musick o'er their Combs Farther I darted thro' the porous Earth To seek that Womb whence Nature had her Birth But found the hidden Mistery far too great And for a Human Soul too intricate Causes with sundry Causes mix'd I found Each Matrix did with proper Seeds abound But why those Seeds their likeness shou'd produce Their Form preserve be still the same in use My shallow Reason neither see or knew But found each Cause did the Decrees pursue Of some Eternal Pow'r beyond dim Reasons view Thro' deeper Caverns still I forc'd my way Where useless Dregs of the old Chaos lay Involv'd in Night remote and never seen by Day Where Plagues and Pestilential Fumes were pent Till Heav'ns Decree shou'd give 'em fatal vent Where greater Serpents do the less devour And Human-like contend for Sov'reign Pow'r Where Streams thro' subteranean Channels run And fight with Winds far distant from the Sun Whose violent Shocks the World can scarce survive But trembles at the very strokes they give And where Heavens Judgments in subjection lay Ready the dreadful Trumpet to Obey And work the World's destruction at the last sad Day Thus thro' Nights deep Avenues did I pass Where all was rude as in the unform'd Mass. Thro' Death's remoter frightful Vaults I went Where ghastly Sprights their Follies past lament And in dispairing Sighs such Discord make No Soul could hear but of their Grief partake Dreading from thence their sad remove each Hour To endless Pains where Time shall be no more So the poor Thief when seiz'd for his Offence Finds his own Conscience Judge and Evidence And thus before he to the Bar shall come Dreads with sad Terror his succeeding Doom I forward press'd bemoaning of their Case Freed from my Earth Death ask'd me for no Pass But boldly shot the Adamantine Gates Without repulse unquestion'd by the Fates Who busie sate with Distaff Reel and Knife Spining and cutting Man's short Threads of Life O'er scorching Sands where fiery Seeds lay hid I Travell'd till the Avernuan Hills I spy'd High were their gloomy Heads the trodden Path as wide I ventur'd forwards till to Styx I came Which shone like humid Vapours in a flame It s poysonous
basking in the Heat My sad Companions were receiv'd by throngs Of envious Spirits arm'd with fiery Prongs Who clap'd their pointed Wings and with a Yell Gave'em a dreadful Welcome into Hell And led'em Captive to a loathsome Cell Whilst I some Rays of Innocence diffus'd Unquestion'd pass'd by all the Guards excus'd As he that visits Bridewell with intent To Goodness learn from others Punishment Does fearless thro' the Prison confines rove Whilst guilty Slaves are to Correction drove Vast streams of melted Minerals ran down 'Twixt glowing Banks of Adamantine Stone Roaring like Cataracts on ev'ry side Flowing with violence like an eager Tide Where Souls unpity'd are condemn'd to dwell Whilst Heav'ns without controul or Hell is Hell They Plow'd the Fiery Surges to get free But sunk again like Monsters in the Sea Or as the Poor on Earth bore down by Destiny Near these were punish'd in Ignifluous Vaults The greatest Spirits for the biggest Faults Where I with pity and amazement view'd Princes of old once stil'd so Great and Good Held so Immaculate so all Divine That Gods could scarce with greater Glories shine High in the State Victorious in the Field Abroad had Conquer'd and at Home had Kill'd Wise in their Conduct and approv'd their Cause Mighty in Pow'r and equal in Applause Flatter'd on Earth by Poets and by Priests Yet doom'd at last to be Infernal Guests How much thought I do we mistake above Who esteem Pow'r a mark of Heaven's Love When thus I saw their grand Fatigues on Earth Their Noble Spirits and Illustrious Birth Their glorious Blood-shed in the wreaking Field For Crowns or to enlarge Dominion spill'd Resistless Arms and Arbitrary sway That forces ravish'd Countries to Obey Their dangerous Battels which they once might boast Crown'd with Success by no Ill-fortune crost Were punish'd here as Princely Ills too great For common sinful Slaves to perpetrate Some Crimson Hero's painted o'er with Blood Storming amidst their sweating Torments stood Rail'd against Kingdoms they had basely won And raving curs'd each sanguine Ill they 'd done Accusing of Severity their Fate Made 'em renounce all Goodness to be Great Thus Tyrants who so lordly once appear'd Rush'd on at all nor God nor Devil fear'd In these dark Regions are decreed to know Tho' once they Rul'd above they must Obey below And change that Splendor which deceiv'd the Crowd For guilty Consciences that cry'd aloud So the proud Combatants before they fell Look'd bright in Heav'n but now look black in Hell Others thro' moody Pride contemn'd their Chains And bore with sullen hardiness their Pains Slighted their Suff'rings patient stood and mute As N l P n when tortur'd with the Boot Whilst some bemoan'd their Doom their Crimes expos'd In Sighs and Tears their sad Despair disclos'd Whose cow'rdly Souls bewail'd their wretched state And beg'd for Mercy but alass too late Railing at Eve on her the blame they laid Who to such Miseries had her Sons betray'd Crying O wretched Soul that art Immortal made From thence I wander'd thro' a stately Porch Where Carbuncles supply'd the Light of Torch Flashes of Fire they darted from on high Like beams of Light'ning from a stormy Sky This Entry to a spacious Cavern led Where Azure Lamps with Oil of Sulphur fed Hung blinking round the subterranean Hall Num'rous as Beauties at a Prince's Ball But dim as Tapers at an Emperor's Funeral I gaz'd around and at a distance off Saw Pillars of rough Adamant sustain the Roof Compos'd of Coral of Igniscent Red Like glowing Bars on Vulcan's Anvil laid Beset with Gems that made a glorious show And Orient Pearl adorn'd the sides below With Furies Whips and Prongs Infernal grac'd Which were as Arms in a Guard-Chamber plac'd Fearless I walk'd still further did intrude And Pluto's Palace with amazement view'd Till to a Bar at th' upper-end I came Gilded with Fire and burnish'd o'er with Flame Within whose Bounds was held th' Infernal Court Without stood ghastly Prisoners All-a-mort Whilst Radamanthus on his Judgment-seat Like an old Bridewell-Judge look'd Grave and Great Awarding Pains proportion'd to the Sin Of Souls condemn'd by Hell's black Guards brought in From mighty Jove's High Court of Justice sent As Convicts to receive their Punishment Fresh enter'd Sinners made the Fiends new Sport Who haul'd th' unwilling Wretches into Court As Serjeants when their Prey want Coin or Bail Lug the poor Prisoner headlong to a Goal CANTO IV. A Train of vicious Priests did first draw near Guarded as Culprits to a Sessions-Bar Some in long Cloaks and Gowns great Coats and Bands With brainless Heads grave Looks and close clinch'd Hands For Spirits by report of old appear In the same Shape they did when living were Or else when Goblings being vex'd and crost At Midnight rove from Pillar unto Post Ghost How should the frighted Bumpkin know his Neighbour's A pratling Devil rises and at large Opens before the Court this following Charge The Pris'ners at the Bar nor learn'd nor wise Nor having Grace of Heaven before their Eyes Have with a carnal Weapon call'd the Tongue Abus'd what 's Righteous and maintain'd what 's Wrong Wounding Religion and oppos'd the Truth And with their Whimsies maim'd and crippl'd both Also by Laziness and Looseness shew They ne'er would practice what they taught or knew But by their Lives on Earth made Mortals think Their only Duty was to Eat and Drink On Pigs and Geese luxuriously they fed By humble Peasants at their Groundcel's laid Who were themselves content with Bread and Cheese Small-Beer Skim-Milk and such like things as these Yet labour'd hard to keep their wanton Guides in Ease Whilst they Carous'd and did on Dainties Dine Squeesing each Bigots Cupboard and his Vine As if their God was Meat and Paradise was Wine And when they'd rais'd their Lust by luscious Food To bless with more encrease the Pious Brood And kiss the Godly Dame was held divinely Good Further they would with Things unjust comply For Gain and ask no other reason why Preach Pro and Con with any Faction side To gain their Ends and gratifie their Pride Yet made the Ign'rant by their Cant believe They could assurance of Salvation give To all that pin'd their Faith upon their Pastor's Sleeve The Laws they taught their very Lives defy'd Enjoying all to others they deny'd The Rich they envy'd and the Poor abus'd Extolling Charity but none they us'd Rail'd at the Miser and his rusty hoard Declar'd how Charity 's in Heaven stor'd Yet never lent themselves one Peny to the Lord But did in riotous Excesses live Coveting all things yet would nothing give As walking in the upper World one Day A Lame poor Wretch stood begging in their way Great were his Wants but their Neglects were such He noch'd down nineteen Teachers on his Crutch On whom thro Heav'n he did for succour call But got not one small Alms amongst 'em all The Cripple turn'd to 's mumping Mate says he If Charity alas be
Heaven's Key How will these sable Souls admittance get From whom we ne'er obtain'd one Farthing yet Poh says the other I have beg'd of many When young I was but never got one Peny And now I 've learn'd more Wit than e'er to beg of any The Hypocrite they damn'd and set at nought Yet play'd the same thro' ev'ry Hour they taught With Eyes turn'd up as a Religious Grace They daily flatter'd Heaven to its Face And ev'ry Name of Lord they bawl'd aloud More to amuse than to instruct the Crowd When all their thoughtless Nonsence spoke beside If by the touch of common Reason try'd Was something that just nothing signify'd The Doctrine of Forgiveness would they give But injur'd once revenge it whilst they live Many commit but no Affronts would bear And when provok'd they so Contentious were That with Stiff-Necks and Hearts as hard as Rocks Rather than lose an Egg they 'd spend an Ox. Deliv'ring each poor En'my to the Jaws Of that wild Monster the devouring Laws Where Justice is too oft so dearly bought The Wrong's most cheap where Justice ne'er is sought These are the Ills for which they 're hither sent By Heav'ns Decree to receive Punishment Therefore my Lord what now remains for you Is to award such Pains as are their due The Judge arising did his Task assume And gravely standing thus pronounc'd their Doom Altho' says he in diff'rent Robes you came I find your Ills are equally the same I decree therefore you alike shall feel A Tythe of all the Punishments in Hell And as you when you did on Earth reside The Poor neglected who on Alms rely'd So shall you Mercy crave but always be deny'd They nothing had on their behalfs to say But whimper'd and by Fiends were drag'd away CANTO V. Before the next surprising Scene appear'd A noise of strange tumultuous Tongues I heard They nearer still approach'd till grown as loud As the base Murmurs of a Trait'rous Crowd Rais'd by some Statesman's Tool to perpetrate Some ill Design against a sinking State At last in view there came a wond'rous Throng Of fetter'd Convicts all upon the Tongue Each to the other did confus'dly Prate Like tat'ling Gossips in a drunken Chat Or else like Temple Students when they call To fright the crasie Bench A Hall a Hall Grave Robes and Gowns of sundry sorts they wore And many Badges of distinction bore Some old Grey-Heads with Silk and Flax adorn'd Whose wrinkled Brows as well as Toes were Corn'd By Wives too young for Sixty and too old To bribe off Loves enjoyments with their Husbands Gold Gouty and Lame these Sages limp'd along And were advanc'd the foremost in the Throng All seeming by their mercenary Looks Cunning as Foxes and as sharp as Hawks Their Palms look'd black by taking Bribes of Coin As Slaves who labour in an Indian Mine Methoughts I heard 'em cry Ne'er fear go on My Fee my Fee your bus'ness shall be done Money 's the Life the Spirit of the Laws Find me but that and never fear your Cause These were succeeded by the Clerks o'th'Court The lesser Scribes that do the greater hurt Whose woful earnest of a Ten Groats Fee Enters the Client first in Miserie Of these some Beaus and some precise in Bands With Parchment Rowls like Truncheons in their Hands Their Pockets stuff'd with Scrawls like Poet Bays For expedition some and some delays Under their Arms green Woollen Snap-sacks hung Fill'd with learn'd Instruments of Right and Wrong There follow'd next to these a spurious sort Of Pettyfogers meer Locusts of the Court Who often help the former to deceive And eat up what the bigger Vermin leave Some by their Shop-board Looks were Taylors bred But broke and on their Backs had scarce a Shred Not only in their Lives but Looks were Knaves Litigious from their Cradles to their Graves Vers'd in those Querks amongst the Scribes they saw After long Troubles did themselves withdraw From making Sutes of Cloaths to manage Suits of Law Well knowing it requires an equal Skill To make a Lawyer 's or a Taylor 's Bill Amongst this paltry Crew were Ten to One Bred up to Trades but by the Law undone And thus distress'd most equitably sought Relief from that which had their Ruin brought Or else resolv'd from being basely us'd T' abuse the Law by which they 'd been abus'd So the poor Wretch who Witchcraft has endur'd If once she claws the envious Hag she 's cur'd Some in Freeze-Coats strait Wiggs and flapping Hats Great Beards and dirty Hands like Counter Rats With Looks undaunted at their Heels a Straw Bold Teasers and Tormenters in the Law Tho' all the knavish Knowledge they had in 't Was learn'd i' th' Fryars Newgate or the Mint These in each Cause to manifest their Care Wou'd if they 're hir'd Sollicit or Forswear Stand stifly to a Point the World might see Their Clients should by them no Suff'rers be Bailiffs and Hangmen did the next appear And Goalers too were crowded in the Rear Why these were mix'd I ask'd and 't was because These were the Plagues and Periods of the Laws Whom all Mankind with equal Odium hate For Rog'ries done so despicably great These hung an Arse and crept so slow along A Devil spurr'd them forward with his Prong And at their Laziness with Rage inflam'd Cry'd move you Rogues walk faster and be damn'd A Hangman angry at the gross Affront Turn'd back his Head and answer'd him as blunt Why Rogue and please your Worship what d' ye mean I have as honest as my-Master's been I from all blame by Human Laws am freed And only finish'd what the Court decreed What if some Wretches should unjustly dye The Fault is not in me or my Imploy Those that Convicted 'em were R s not I. These tho' alike by no means could agree Or to each Brother Villain civil be The Bailiffs on the Hangmen look'd awry Each Carnifex return'd an evil Eye As threat'ning to be with 'em by and by Like signs of Terror on their Brows did sit One fear'd a Rope the other fear'd a Writ Mutual Aversions were on each entail'd From Bailiffs oft b'ing Hang'd and Hangmen Goal'd 'Twixt Fear and Hate they did each other greet As a poor Bankrupt who by chance shall meet The Creditor he 's Cozen'd in the Street Round the Infernal Court they all were haul'd The first Division to the Bar were call'd The Charge brought down from the High Court of Jove Of which they 'd all Convicted been above Silence was first proclaim'd in the Divan And Hell's Attorney-General thus began My Lord the Grave Wise Culprits at the Bar Who rais'd amongst Mankind perpetual War By some call'd Lawyers and by some Be-knav'd Who by sly Querks the Upper-World enslav'd Subtle as Foxes who with Tongues not Claws Dug themselves Holes and burrow'd in the Laws Skill'd to unravel Justice but instead A hundred Wrongs to one just Act they did Till by ill use so mercenary grown