since is faln asunder and as we in our Country say faln in twain O Sister Sister says he when Zealous Kittens meet they will play together for 't is natural to 'em so to do 84. A Gentleman of a great estate who it seems hated Tobacco and hearing his eldest Son did take it though not in his presence he told him if he knew that he did take Tobacco that he would disinherit him Truly Father says he they that told you so were mistaken for before that I will take any Tobacco I 'll see it all a fire Say'st thou so my Boy says he I 'll give thee 500 l. a year the more for that 85. A Man that liv'd at a Market Town intending to go further into the Countrey but having forgot something came at night back again and on the Bed found a pair of Breeches and looking further found a Man a-bed with his Wife Are these your Breeches says he Yes says the Man I profess says he if ever I find you a-bed with my Wife again I 'll throw your Breeches out o' the Window 86. A Gentleman was drolling with a Woman and told her he was resolved to lie with her that night but she told him she had her Husbands Company then says he I must confess though I love your Husbands company well yet then I had rather have his room than his company And truly says she I had rather have his room empty at any time than to have your company 87. A Person of Quality in this Kingdom was one night at Supper at Pickadilly-house which was then an Ordinary and great Gaming-House where he had bowled all day and after Supper he call'd for some Cheese which it seems was very thin and lean then he ask't the Master of the House where those Cows went of whose Milk that Cheese was made He told them they graz'd not far off then he swore a great Oath that he was confident that they never fed in any other place then his Bowling Alley which was made good by the fatness of the Cheese they now tasted of for it cries Rub rub in the eating of it when 't is so long a going down 88. Another person of Quality also in this Kingdom amongst other Gentlemen did often meet at a Bowling-Ally which stood next to the Church-yard and the Parson of that Church had this Benefit That if any did swear there he was to have 12 d. for every Oath This Person aforesaid happened to swear a great Goliah Oath upon which the Parson demanded 12 d. which he gave him and after that swore many others for which he paid 12 d. a piece and then swearing another he demanded 12 d. as before then he pluckt out of his pocket a 20 Shilling piece and bid him give him 19 s. again Sir says he I cannot Why then says he take it for I intend to swear it out 89. Queen Elizabeth was very much importuned by a Gentleman that was one of her Servants for an Imployment that then was fallen Why says the Queen you are not fit for it An 't please your Majesty says he I can get one to officiate it for me I thank you indeed says the Queen for that for so I may put in one of my Maids and they can do it as well 90. A Weaver at Bourdeaux in France dreamt one night that he was a Cuckold so he went to the Priest to desire him to take his Wives Confession especially in that point Well says the Priest to him I 'll lend thee my Gown and Hood and you shall shrive her your self And it seems this very Priest had been very familiar with her and while he was waiting for his Wives coming he went and told her of the passage and that 't was her Husband in his Habit that was to shrive her so she comes to him and after many impertinent questions which he ask't her she told him she had lain only with three men which was a Young-man an Old-man and a Frier So he came home as he thought undiscovered and as he was at work he often repeated the Young-man the Old-man and the Frier Faith Husband says she I believe the Priest has told you what I confess'd to day and I did indeed so confess it and yet Husband these three were but one for I lay with you when you were a Young-man and don 't I lie with you now you are Old And were not you the Frier to day Therefor all these three were you my dear Husband And is it so my dear Wife Now thou hast given me so great satisfaction that I shall never have an ill opinion of thee again Come kiss me Then he with Tears in his Eyes kissed her and askt her pardon for his former mistrust of her and the Frier was as welcome to them and who but the Frier when they had any Feast Thus you see what 't is for Men to mistrust their Wives when there is no cause as you see it was in this Vertuous Woman 91. A great German Prince that was much addicted to Drinking had drank so much one day that the next he was very sick then his Fool came in to him and askt him why he was so melancholly he told him his Sickness was occasion'd by drinking yesterday Why then says the Fool if that be all I 'll be your Physician that is if you are ill with drinking one day the next day take a Hare of the same Dog Well says the Prince and what the second day The Fool told him the same again And what the third day the same too And what at the fourth Why the same We 'll come to the purpose says he and what the fifth day Why Faith says he then you 'll be as arrant a Fool as I am 92. A Gallant it seems upon a time cast his â—ye upon precise Mistress Temperance a Feather-makers Wife and after a little conference swore he would lie with her What says she cannot you glance upon a Modest Woman as I am but you must covet indeed Brother I must chide you for it Well says she but that I am tender of Oaths and would be loath to have you break yours for the Oaths sake I am willing to consent to you at present but otherwise I profess I would not do it if you 'd give me a thousand pound 93. A Gallant once meeting in Covent-Gaerden with a handsome and it seems smart Lass with her naked Breasts appearing very largely Says he I pray Mistriss is that Flesh to be sold No says she no Money shall buy it Well says he then let me advise you if you will not sell you should shut up your shop Faith says she you may be confident I shall shut you out for ever entring into any of my doors Then says he you have doors but if you have they must needs be wicked doors 94. A Fellow at a Coffee-house swore that he saw a very strange thing done in Suffolk lately they
a-Cobler being met together they must needs to Joking one with the other then Pride told him he saw a piece of Coblers Wax stick on his Scarlet Cloak puh says Hewson a handful of Brewers Grains will scoure it off presently 10. It hapned that Oliver was coming from Hampton-Court in a very rainy day in his Coach which was very full and Hugh Peters was a Horseback riding by then Oliver out of pure kindness would have lent him a Coat to keep him from the Rain but he refused it and bid the man tell his Master That he would not be in his Coat for a Thousand pound 11. A Country Fellow coming to Oxford Market cheapned some Apples of an Apple-woman there and she told him Six a Penny which he thought unreasonable and thereupon call'd her the Son of a Whore then she told him He was a Rogue to call her the Son of a Whore for her Mother was as honest a Womans Child as any was in the Parish where she lived 12. Some being merry together among other discourse one said A bushel of March dust is worth a Kings Ransom but says another What is a hogshead of March Beer worth then For that comforts the Spirits and t'other spoils the Eyes 13. Some Gentlemen were sitting at a Coffee-house together one was asking what News there was T'other told him There was forty thousand Men rose to day which made them all stare about and asked him to what end they rose and what they did intend Why faith says he only to go to bed at Night again 14. A Country Fellow being before the Justices upon his Oath at the Sessions was ask'd the cause of the two mens falling out He said my Lord you are a Rogue The Judge seeing the People begining to laugh bad him speak to the Jury for there were twelve of them 15. One bid a Maid to go and kiss such a Gentleman No faith says she I beg your pardon for that for I won't go to Market for such Ware which I can have brought home to my door without any trouble with vantage too 16. A Girl that had a months mind to be Marryed and on the Wedding day at Night says she to one of her Comâ—adet When I was to go to Bed I unlac't and lac't my self again and pulled off my Shoes and Stockings and put 'em on again But when I was to go into Bed said I O lack a day must I lye with a strange man to Night And when I was a Bed I bethought my self how I should lye for if I should turn my Face to him he 'd think I was bold and if I should turn my Breech to him he 'd say I was unmannerly therefore I was resolved to lye upon my Back let come what would 17. In the time of the Rump Two Rump Parliament Men being in a pair of Oars says one of them You Watermen are Hypocrites For you row one way and look another O Sir says one of them being a smart Fellow we have not plyed so long at Westminster but we have learn't something of our Masters the Parliament that sit there that is to pretend one thing and act another 18. A Countrey Fellow brought a Letter to a Gentlemans house but he not being at home he left it with a Monkey that stood at the door the Gentleman hearing of it when he met the man was very angry with him Sir says he And please your Worship I delivered it to your Son which was at the door My Son says he 't was a Monkey Truly Sir says he I thought it was your Son it was so like you 19. A Taylor having got an Old Doublet to mend of an ancient decay'd Gentleman they happened upon a very large Louse which by chance he cut in two as he was ripping a place in the Doublet then he gave one half of the great Louse unto his Wife and took the other himself and they both eat it and after that called themselves Gentleman and Gentlewoman their Journey-man seeing what they did and hearing what they said said he was a piece of a Gentleman too which made them ask the reason of it Why says he When you cut the Louse in two with the Sheers and did eat it I at that time lickt the Sheers that cut it Ergo. 20. In the Rumps time a Foot Souldier met at a Church in the Suburbs a Whore who was very diligently taking Sermon-Notes but that night he lay with her and about a month after his Captain heard that she was catch't a Bed with two men by the Constable and he told the Souldier of it but he rapping out a great Oath swore he did not think she had been a Whore though and yet he pretty heart had layn with her half a score nights before that and therefore had good reason to wonder that one should think her a Whore Probatum est 21. An Arch Wagg put a great many Rams-horns in a Basket and went up and down and cryed New Fruit New Fruit in the Winter time at last a Lawyer bid him let him see his Winter Fruit which when he saw them said You Fool who d' ye think will buy Horns O Sir says he though you are provided yet I may meet with some that are not 22. A man was advised of late to venture at the great Lottery in Morefields No no says he there 's none but Cuckolds have any luck there at which his sweet and vertuous Wife being by and hearing of it said My dear Husband let me entreat you of all loves to venture there for I 'm certain you 'll have good luck But how he took it I can't tell 23. One speaking of the burning of the Streets of London at the great Fire there said Cannon-street roar'd Milk-street was burnt too Wood-street was burnt to Ashes Bread-street was burnt to a Coal Ironmonger-lane was burnt red hot Distaff-lane had spun a fine Thread Snow-hill was melted down Shoe-lane was burnt to boot Creed-lane would not believe it till it came and Pudding-lane and Pye-Corner were over bak'd 24. A Country-man coming to Town in the Rumps Time and hearing of the great things they had done would needs go to the Parliament-House to see them and being there said Now Gods blessing on you all for you are a goodly Company and have done wonderful things to the good of us all and that we may be further serviceable unto you my Wife and I and all my Children will work hard for you all for I see there 's a great number of you not doubting but in a little time you may have occasion to make use of me and my Trade Then they ask't him what Trade he was he told them a Rope-maker and presently slipt away among the Crowd 25. A Man that had great store of Arable Land did command a Boy of his to watch the Pidgeons that they should not eat up the new sow'd Corn The Boy went presently to the Pool and there stood
your Child know more than your self I think so indeed says he for he was but lately made and 't is above Fourscore Years since I was made Well says the Minister how many Commandments are there He said he thought about Four or Five Fie says the Minister there 's Ten. Vaith says he I thought you 'd bring 'em to Ten because you 'd have the Tithe Why Old Man says the Minister I tell thee again there 's Ten Why then says he there 's a goodly Company of them Well Friend says he how many Sacraments are there Why says the Old Man there 's Four Which are they says the Minister Why says the Old Man there 's Christmas Easter Whitsuntide and our Wake And so went out a-doors as taking it for an affront to be catechized at that Age and well he might for you see he understood well enough what he said 185. A Notorious but cunning Thief being arraigned before a Judge for a great Crime the Judge askt him what answer he made to his Accusation Truly my Lord says he I find 't is a foul matter and I desire to hear no more on 't for which being reproved for his impudent sawciness he swore he would bind the Judge over to the Peace because he stood in fear of his Life by his means Well says the Judge you shan't sleep in peace to Night for that conceit and so commanded that he should be laid in Irons Pray my Lord says he let me go about my business for I never wronged you in my Life and therefore you have nothing to do with me for I am going to receive some Money to pay my Debts for I owe my Landlord and several others a great deal of Money and they 'l arrest me as I go by in the Cart and I would willingly pay my debts before I am hang'd and I think that 's the part of an honest man though it may be you don't think so 186. Another time a Thief was going to the Gallows out of the Town near Norwich and many Boys were running to see the Execution which he seeing call'd to 'em saying Boys you need not make such haste for there will be no sport till I come What says a man is there but one to be hang'd I 'll go home agen D' ye hear Friend says he you need not go home for if you like it so well pray come and supply my place for I can afford you a good penny-worth on 't 187. A Witty Fellow that was Clerk to Two Justices of Peace in Olivers days that for a Bribe us'd to help Delinquents at a dead lift and being once speaking of the Two Justices he said one was the craftiest and subtlest Fellow in the World but the other an arrant Dance and said he had as much a-do to conceal a business from the one as to make the other understand it 188. A Gentleman intending to dine and be merry with some others did bespeak a Leg of Pork well powdered against such a day and she poor heart spared no Salt upon it and made it so Briny that it would have fir'd a Palate of Ice and the day being come that they should eat it the Gentleman that bespoke it cut a piece and put a bit on 't in his Mouth and immediately spit it out agen and threw the Dish and Pork against the ground The company that had kept their Stomacks for that Pork all that day askt him the cause why he did so Why says he I bid the Salt Bitch corn me a Leg of Pork well and she has brought in a Limb of Lots Wife Truly Sir says she I gave it but a little Salt but I must confess I bought the Hog of a Man of Saltwich where it seems it was bred and born and I think that is the chiefest cause of its saltness D' ye see says he how this Bitch does bring a Witch to excuse her self 189. A Discourse rose at a Dinner among some Merchants about their loving Wives and one said his Wife was the most affectionate Woman in the World and for the Evidence of it he had often heard her swear Nay when ever I rose out of the Bed in a Morning before her she would always convey her self into my warm place so much she lov'd the very heat and impression I had made Puh says a Wag to him this that you evidence is an infallible token against you for it seems she lov'd your room better than your company 190. A Country Woman sent her Son Three or Four Miles off to her Landlords House with a New-Years-Gift upon New Years-day where the Boy was never before and being in the Kitchin he there saw a Dog turning of the Spit which was it seems a strange thing to the Boy so he stood loytring to stare upon that and other fine things which he saw there that he staid it seems longer than ordinary for which his Mother beat him lustily when he came home O Mother says he if you had been there you would have stay'd as long as I for it would have done your heart good to see how a Dog in a Wheel did spin Roast-Meat Nay Mother he did reel too that is when he was weary which was much Mother to see a Dog spin and reel I am sure 't was more than our Maid Jone could do when she came to you first Now Mother I hope chave sartified you and when I go thither agen if I should stay long pray Mother don't beat me agen 191. A Ridiculous and Impudent Fellow being laught at by all that came into his company told 'em he had a certain quality which was to laugh at all that laught at him Faith says one of his Companions then thou livest the merriest life of any man in Christendome for I never saw any man that ever came in thy company but laught at thee Why then says he I hope I please e'm if they laugh so heartily and those that please are best lik'd of 192. A Drunkard having but one of his Eyes left with Drinking was warned by Physicians to leave off tipling or else he 'd lose the other Eye also Faith says he I care not if I do for I do confess ingeniously I have seen enough but I have not drank enough Ergo. 193. Another reverend Drunkard having spent about Fifteen hundred Pounds a year in Drink nay was so much addicted to it that he counted all those his enemies that did perswade him against it yet one took the boldness upon him as to upbraid him for such extravagency Puh says he what you thrust in at one Ear goes out at t'other Nay I 'll tell you more than I am perswaded you know for I also have spent above Ten thousand pounds in ready cash in Drink besides and yet I have not drink enough Boys For Drinking that will make one fat and brisk as Cat or Mouse or Rat and when I ha 't it makes me chat like little Brat that sits
askt him what it was Then he told them a Masty Dog ran at a Gentleman and he not knowing how to avoid him first thrust his hand into his Mouth and after that quite thorow and catched hold of his Tail and being very strong by main force turned him the wrong side outwards All which he confirmed with a lusty Oath and that he saw it done himself 95. A Man having a very Vertuous and good Huswifely Woman to his Wife as you will find by the story it seems he lost her for three or four days and having searcht all about for her at last she came home of her own accord and told him that she 'd tell him very good News if he would not be angry wiâ—s her and indeed you have no cause if you knew all for you know that we have a great deal of Money to pay for Rent and other things But Husband says she I have got Money enough to pay every Body How he took it I can't tell but certainly she was a good woman and loving to her Husband 96. Another Fanatick did advise his neighbour to leave off all wickedness whatsoever especially that of the Flesh and live altogether by the Spirit for we Holy men all do so Yes says his neighbour I do believe you for sure 't was some Spirit that moved you to get your Maid with Child 97. A Lusty Young Man was earnest with his Father to be married and after much importunity he was married to a Neighbours Daughter he had not been Married six Months but he look'd so bad and was so ill and so feeble that he could scarce stand upon his Legs alittle after he spi'd a Butcher running over a plowed Field after a mad Bull then he askt him why he did so he told him to tame him O says he let him be married let him be married if that don't tame him I 'll be hanged 98. A Woman in twenty weeks after marriage was brought to bed of a Boy How now Wife says he methinks this is a little too soon No Husband says she you mistake for we married only a little too late Faith and I think so too says he and if ever we happen to marry again we 'll be sure to marry a little sooner or not to marry at all for this trick But Husband says she you don't know the Custom yet of the Womens going with Child for we go twenty weeks by day and twenty weeks by night O then says he c ham zatisfied 99. A Rich Simpleton was to Court a pretty Maid and when he was come to her his man would still be to help him out but I think he need not do that for he was out enough himself then she askt his Man what estate he had He said a 1000 l. a year Puh says he my Man 's a Fool I and a thousand and a thousand to that too Then she askt him how long his Master went to School He said near a twelve month He lies says he I was not there half so long for my Master did nothing but whip me so he did Then she askt his Man how old his Master was He told her above five and twenty Puh says he I am five and twenty and five and twenty and five and twenty too I think my man is the arrantest Fool in the World You speak for me I hope I have so much wit as to speak for my self and I hope Mistress forsooth you 'll love me now now you have heard all my good qualities Yes says she I am willing to have you so you 'll promise me never to be my Husband Yes forsooth says he I 'll do any thing to please you so you 'll have me 100. A Gentleman that came home one night drunk in the Winter time was had to Bed and his Wife staying up long after when she was going to bed she bid her Maid warm her side of the Bed with the Pan and as she was doing of it by chance burnt her Master's Thigh which he felt not then sleeping soundly And about three days after a Gentleman meeting of him in Oxford askt him how he came so lame Nothing says he but only burnt by a Whore 101. One since the King's Restauration meeting with one of Oliver's Relations in the Park thought to put a Trick upon her saying Madam your Father stinks now Pray Sir let me ask you a Question that is whether he be living or dead He then told her he was dead By my troth Sir says she I thought so for if he had been living he would have made you stink too 102. A great Lady that lived in a Market-town in the North was pleased to give a Fool that was kept at the Town charge his Diet every day and one day coming about eleven of the Clock two of my Ladies Gentlemen were playing at Tables in the Hall and they a one side o' the Table and the Jackanapes a t'other looking on them as they play'd and as soon as it knockt to the Dresser the Gentlemen left their Game to carry up Dinner then the Ape took up the Dice in his hand and flung them as they did and turn'd the Men about also Says the Fool to the Ape Come faith I 'll play with thee for a Pot and a Pipe and went to take the Dice out of his hand then the Ape grinn'd and chatter'd at him and still kept the Dice in his hand and would not throw Then says the Fool Throw if thou be'st a man throw and offered to take the dice away from him which so incens'd the Ape that he flew upon him and had certainly kill'd him had not some of the Gentlemen that privately lookt on came to his rescue And from that time to this the Fool could never be got to come to the House And when he was to pass by the House he would still go a t'otherside of the Street looking fearfully a one side fearing the Ape should see him which it seems he did out of the Window and had he not been chain'd had certainly leapt down and fell upon him which the Fool seeing ran away crying as fast as he could and left his Cap behind him for hast and could never be got to come through that Street again 103. The French Embassador being at dinner with King James the King in mirth drank a Health to him saying The King of France drinks a Health to the French King Upon which the French Embassador suddenly replied The King my Master is a good Lieutenant for he holds France well for you No says the King he holds it from me Truly Sir says the Embassador it is no further from you than it was 104. Count Gundamore being invited to the Reader 's Feast at Grays Inn just at the time of the Palsgrave who was elected a little before King of Bohemia was come to Prague and among other Healths one was begun to the King of Bohemia he pledg'd it merrily and thankt the Reader
says he I am better satisfied and I will tell what I know upon my own Knowledge I was once in some company where I heard one of them say that to his Knowledge a Raven would live a hundred years so the next day I went and bought me one purposely to make a Tryal and put him into a Cage and taught him to sing and I think in my conscience no Bird but a Raven could sing like him Well says he I kept this Bird above a hundred years nay if I should say two hundred I should not lie and fed him all the time my self yet I could never make him speak as your Starling does for my life at last being very tame I turn'd him out of the Cage and put him into a Room where I had only a Goose but never a Gander for her I know not how it happened but the Raven and the Goose fell in league together for you must know 't was a Cock Raven and the Raven trod her and she brought ten young ones all coloured half black and half white and those Five which were black towards the head cry'd just like a Raven and those that were white towards the head cry'd like Geese and I eat one of the former that was black towards the head and if you 'll believe me I have had ever since such a strange croaking in my Stomach especially if I chance to see any Carrion that 't is a great disturbance to me Nay One of my Neighbours upon some occasion call'd my Wife Carrion and though I did not love her before yet ever since I have had a great kindness for her Then they told him that the strangeness of this story made it true and the Proverb makes it good that is 'T is not so strange as true 207. Another of this Crew came in with his story too which they thought improbable till he gave 'em evident demonstration of the truth of it and that was this He said he was one Winter about seven years since in Lincolnshire near the Fenns where there is always great store of all sorts of Wild Fowl but especially of Duck and Mallard which made me take my Gun and when I came near to a Hedge they were very thick at t'other side upon which I presently discharged my Gun and kill'd at one Shoot Three hundred twenty five and I think I wounded a great number also then they wondered how he could kill so many at one shot he told them that there were near Four hundred little holes in the Barrel of his Gun so big as Shot might easily pass through them and at the discharge of the Gun every Shot went out at his own hole and kill'd so many as I told you I am certain Nay I had kill'd many more if they had lay a little closer Then they askt him how he got 'em home he told 'em he went home first and fetcht a Horse which was loaded Three times home with them besides what I carried on my Shoulders and they were all as fat as the driven Snow They said 't was very much indeed and very many to be kill'd at one time 208. Another that had been a Souldier and newly come from the great and long Siege of Ostend one askt him what news there He swore there was great want of Bread But one day when some was brought in he saw a lusty Souldier that was one of their Regiment take up a Loaf and having a very large and sharp Knife he slic't quite thorow the Loaf and himself being eager at it and two more Souldiers behind him and by that means we got their Shares and so fared the better and to the confirmation of it added some lusty Oaths Nay said they we 'll believe this cause 't is a well-bred story 209. A Gentleman that had bred up a Young Colt and had taught him many pretty pieces of Activity but one among the rest that of leaping so well that no Ditch or Hedg though never so broad or deep but he whipt over nay an ordinary House was nothing with him or small Country Church also but yet could never leap over the Steeple It fortun'd that the Gentleman having occasion to ride abroad on him came to a River that was about Twenty yards wide which you 'll say was very broad yet this poor beast leapt with him to the very brink of the River on the other side and there by chance lighted upon a stump of a Tree which run into his Belly which the Master seeing alighted and so left the poor Beast in that condition yet would not kill him and so went away About Six months after this Gentleman was riding that way with his Man and as they rode says his Master Don't you see something move yonder Yes says he I think I see a Tree goâ— and coming near to it they put aside all the Boughs and there spied his late Horse which he thought had died there so they cut off all the Boughs which were so many as to load almost three Carts and then he took the poor Beast home and cur'd him of all but the stump of the Tree which was in his Belly and indeed he need not do it for he receiv'd a great advantage by it every year that is at least Two or Three load of Wood which serv'd him to burn in his Chamber for he would never burn any other there but that out of the love he bore to that poor beast of his But some that heard him till it thought it savour'd too much of the Legend Why if you won't believe me ask my Man who knows it as well as I and shall swear it too if you please 210. A Lusty Widow about Forty five years Old yet it seems had a mind to another Husband and she liv'd about Four Miles from High-Wickham a Market Town in Buckingham shire and having one Market day sent her Maid to the Market at Wickham about some business the Maid it seems staid longer than ordinary abroad and when she came home her Mistriss askt her what was the cause of her staying so long at Market I profess I 'll hang your Coat for it Pray Mrs. Forsooth says she hear me but speak first and I don't doubt but to give you satisfaction Come you Jade speak quickly then Why Forsooth says she there was the finest Proclamation that ever I heard in my Life What Proclamation you Queen speak quickly Why Forsooth 'T was that every Woman that had a little Mouth should have two Husbands With that the Widow being very much pleased with the News began to purse and draw up her sweet Mouth And saying O 't was a pretty Proclamation a brave Proclamation an excellent Proclamation I but Forsooth says she I 'll tell you more News than all this There was another Proclamation What was that Says the Widow Why forsooth those that have a wide Mouth shall have three Husbands With that she began to widen her lovely Mouth Saying
A Countrey-woman that lived at Headington near Oxford and upon a Sunday she being not well bid her Maid go to Church that afternoon and after Sermon was done her Dame askt her what was the Text She said Truly forsooth Dame the Text was said before I came Well says she what said he in the middle of his Sermon Truly says she I was asleep then Well what did he say at the latter end then Indeed forsooth says she I went away before 't was done Well howsoever I will have you tell me something of it What says she d' ye think I am a Blab of my Tongue No I warrant you I was better bred than so 290. A precise Woman undertook to chastise her Daughter and charg'd her to look no more upon Men but instead of that when you are in their Company you must still look upon the Ground No Mother says she I beg your Pardon for that for I see you don 't read the Bible often For we ought to look upon men from whence we came and they on the ground from whence they came And if I should not look upon 'em how should I know whether I like them or no and Mother I have often heard when were a Maid that you never went to Church but to shew your fine Cloaths and to look upon young Men. Well thou hast convinced me prethee Child take thy course 291. A Gentleman coming to London immediately after the Fire and coming to Fleet-street there took notice how far the Fire had burnt which was just to the Hercules Pillars and no farther Well says he 't is very much that the Fire should take notice of that saying of Hercules viz. Ne plus ultra 292. A Man it seems that had to his Wife as good a Woman as any was in England but for Whoring Lying Swearing Nastiness and other such small infirmities which made him define a Woman rightly as he thought Says he Women are born in Wiltshire brought up in Cumberland lead their lives in Bedfordshire that is be in Cloth-fair near Smithfield till twelve a Clock every day then bring their Husbands to Buckinghamshire and die in Shrewsbury 293. A humorous Gallant that kept two Boys and they having committed some fault he told 'em he 'd kill 'em both but when he saw they were afraid he would do them some Mischief he call'd 'em to him saying first to one Sirrah you shall live because you are little and you Sirrah because you are no bigger and both because you are but two As I live says one of them my Master speaks very well 294. A very rich Miser's Son riding upon the High-way was met by a Boy that was in great distress and begg'd his charity For Sir says he I cannot help my self and I am Fatherless besides Get you gon you Rogue says the good natur'd Gentleman what d' ye jeer me Is that a fault Sirrah for I would think it a great happiness that I were Fatherless For thou grievest for thy Fathers death and if thou do'st think it a great loss to thee I 'll be so charitable to thee as to feed thee with good wishes that is I wish my Father had excus'd thine 295. A Gallant had marcht in a bitter cold night up and down several streets to get him a Lodging but no body would open to him some perhaps not knowing him and some perchance too well at last he bethought himself of getting a Lodging a new kind of way and so went to the Watch at Temple-Bar and there call'd 'em all Rogues and other vile names for which they had him to the Counter the next morning he was brought before the Alderman of the Ward and he said to him Methinks you look something like a Gentleman pray what was the reason to abuse the Constable and his Watch thus without a cause Truly Sir says he I will tell you the truth I had gone from Street to street that bitter night to get some Lodging but could find none at last I thank 'em they brought me to the Counter where I had a good â—â—re good Drink and a good Bed for which courtesie I do here give them a Crown and this I 'll assure you Sir was the cause and nothing else And so he made his release 296. Some Prentices in London being indeed one Christmas to act a Play when they were perfect they came to a grave Citizen and desired him to lend them his Cloaths to Act in a Play No says he no body shall play the fool in my Cloths but my self 297. A Gallant thought to put a trick upon one that he thought simple before great Company in a Room but he prov'd a subtile Fellow and as you 'll find baffled him The question was that he askt him How old he was He said ever since he was born twenty Weeks before Then he askt him how he knew that Why says he that 's a question only to be askt of my Mother and the Midwife for surely I don 't well remember it Then he askt him how old he was since he was Christned He told him he could not tell Why says the Gallant that 's much methinks for I am sure you were there your self Yes says he I was there but I am sure you were not because you never was at any Christning not christned your self His Father being an Anabap ist 298. Two Brothers that were Scholars in one Colledge and Bedfellows did love the tossing of the pot so much that after all their Books weae well sold and pawn'd then went their Cloths so that they had but one Suit Hat Gown and Shoes and Stockings so that one went abroad with the Cloths and t'other lay a-bed and so they releas'd each other day by day at last their Father comes to Town and sends for his two Sons the one came He askt where his Brother was He told him he was to declaim to morrow and was providing for it then the next day the other Brother came and his Brother took up his quarters in the Bed and so they serv'd their Father two or three days and then he went to their Chamber privately and knockt and when he was in he found the other in Bed At last he found the cause and removed them to another Tutor who lookt better after them 299. A Fellow was by the Judge condemned to lose his Ears for Perjury and after he had stood long in the Pillory the Jailor was coming to cut off both his Ears and when he went to lay hold on 'em found nothing but the places where they had been What a pox says the Jaylor you Rogue d' ye abuse me to put me to the trouble and charge to cut off your Ears and now all is ready you have no Ears you Dog Well says he I 'll go to the Judge 〈…〉 thou wert condemned before for Perjury but now I 'll indite thee for Cousenage Why friend says the man the Order runs that I should lose