nature But yet notwithstanding my heart was somwhat I thought affected with those desires before the Lord yet oh with what sadness I may speak it how soon were they out of mind even before I got to Tulham in so much that I quite forgot my own desires and not at all looking after any answer of them but how did the Lord raise and rouse up my dead heart even upon the nameing of the psalm that was called to be sung in the morning which was the 145. psalm which at the first nameing of my heart leaped as it were thinking what shal we sing that psalm Mr Knights text is in though for the present I mistook for his text is in the 45 psalm but this was the 145. psalm the two last staves which as soon as wee began to sing my heart was exceedingly altered with it in which I found many suteable expressions to my former desires even in the very words which did as it were raise my heart in a kind of contented expectation of a glorius appearance of God that day as a returne of prayer which methoughts the Lord did even then give to me by hinting this scripture so put to my condition and desires and how gloriously did the Lord appear the 27. of this 6. month through his servant Mr Knight in both parts of the day whom he was pleased to come in even beyond his owne expectation as he acknowledged to me in discourse the next day telling me that he did only intend to handle in general the 3 things concerning Christ as his svveetness fitness faithfulness but when he came to speak to them the Lord was pleased so greatly to inlarge the thoughts of it upon his heart and made it so svveet unto him that he could not but declare vvhat the Lord gave in unto him and truly not only vvas it svveet to him but as fit and seasonabe to my poore soul as any thing that could have been spoken the Lord give me but a heart to make improvement of it so as may be to his praise and eternal good of my poore soul The 7 day of the Month hovv abundantly vvas the Lord pleased to bovv dovvn to this rebellious wretch who hath great cause to fear that my heart was set more to seek see a poor vain creature to meet w th them then to see or meet the Lord yet that the Lord should even now bow down and give forth gratious visites to my soul through many sensible convictions hinted to my heart this day both through his word and through his other administrations this day going early enough to heare the morning sermon though I much fear whether it were so much out of pure love to it as out of self-ends yet what sensible convictions did there from the Lord fall upon my hart from these instructions M. Blond hinted out to us from the expression of David I kept my self from mine iniquity where hee shewed us that it was our great duty to watch cheifly against our own particular sinns shewing us how wee might know them hinting also that it was Probable that this sinne of David vvas tongue-sin from vvhich hovv secretly did the Lord check my poor soul aftervvards Mr Nie spake from psalm the 50. 26 this thou didst and I kept silence vvhere hee shevved that by silence vvas meant a refraining from motion or action vvhence he observed that vvords and actions are all one vvith God it vvas as easy vvith God to do as to speak it vvas but for him to speak and the vvork vvas done yea it is as easy for God to do as for us to speak and begg of him and much more and vvhat a mighty incouragement is this to thy faith O my soul vvhich vvas the improvement he made of it by application and also hinted more that as all Gods vvords are actions and so pardoning actions and administrations are as so many vvords and oh of vvhat use is this to my soul vvhat things hath God spoken to my soul from and by his various administrations to thee for these many years hovv hath the Lord by his providence often as it were convinced thee and yet thy base heart will not leave to goe on to tempt the Lord though he hath so evidently appeared in crossing thee and this day was a sign of it that thou wouldest put on thy best cloathes in that pride and vanity of thy heart thou know'st didst thou not by a strange providence as it were get a spot in thy coat to check thee and did not the Lord by it shew thee thy pride vanity and folly but Oh how gratious is the Lord that he will please to shew thee this in so mild and gentle a way The 10. of this 7 month being the Lords day I sought the Lord in the morning but in a formall way that he would please to appear to me that day through his servant as also to give in a gratious answer to these desires that Mr. Knight put up to him the last day namely to unvail the grace of our Lord Jesus to him that he might so taste and feel it as might inable him to declare it to his praise which I did now also beg of the Lord and that though I was altogether unworthy of this mercy or of any more appearance from the Lord which have made so little improvement of so many gratious favours yet that he would please to overcome my rebellion and unfruitfulness with his love and at the last over-power my soul anâ— bring it to a more full subjection to him-selfe and that which I desire now to record to the Praise of the Lord is before him and that yet the Lord was pleased most particulary to unvaile the Lord Jesus Christ in the riches of his grace the Lord help thee O my soul to improve all those wondefull appearances of his praise and glory The 13. of this 7 Month appointed by this new Parliament for a day of humiliation and seeking the Lord I sought the Lord in the morning that he would please to put my heart into some measure of suteableness to that business and to make mee really sensible of all my rebellions unfruitfulness and unthankfulness to him for all his glorious appearances and that he would poure out his spirit upon his servants that were to be his and our mouthes this day as also begging the Lord to let some hints from himselfe fall with power upon my heart this day and there abide And blessed God how gratiously wert thou pleased to appeare and with what sensible and suteable truths pressing my soul to get into Christ and dwel there then which there is no truth more needfull to be pressed upon my vvretched heart being so miserably shattered about and upon other things and my affections so sadly divided that in truth I doe not dwell in the Lord Jesus Christ as I ought which the Lord vvas pleased in great mercy to my soul to
to enable him to make out yet more clearly that work that he had wrought in his soul if indeed there were any or else give us such a discerning spirit as might teach us what to do in it that if it were his will there might no soul come in among us that might any way darken his glory but that those that were received might be such as himself by his spirit should receive nor none be detained but such as himself should by his spirit through his poor servants detain as also begging of the Lord and that with much earnestness that if there were no real work of his upon his heart that he would be pleased to find out some way or other in his wisdome to keep him off April 24. 1653. was the Lord pleased graciously to convince me yet further of my sinneful passion and aptness to be angry either without a cause or upon a light ground and so to dishonour the Lord which conviction was set home from Mr. Knights expression of Mat. 5. 22. I say if you be angry with your Brother without a cause you shall be in danger of judgement and whosoever sayes to his Brother Racha which word expressed their contemning of their Brethren that is to have contemptible thoughts of them this is a greater evil for this is in danger of the Councel but whosoever shall say thou fool that is one that hath no understanding but is even as a beast this is in Christs judgement an hainous sinne for saith he he shall be in danger of hell fire From all which the Lord was pleased to set it home upon my heart that I had been exceeding guilty even to this day in a great measure of those evils which conviction I desire may abide upon my heart to make me through the strength of Christ more watchfull over my own heart in this respect then ever I have been There is one conviction more this day set upon my heart from these words if thou remember thy Brother hath ought against thee he doth not say if thou hast ought against him but if he hath ought against thee do thou seek reconciliation yea leave not till it be wrought out from which the Lord not onely convinced me of this my duty and told me I should not suffer any prejudice to lie in my heart against any but also much comforted my heart under the sight of this as that which through grace I found the Lord had really wrought in my heart and enabled me daily to practise The same day the Lord was pleased in the ministery of his word to convince my soul that it is not the performance of duties at set times this is not all required but when the soul is indeed pained under the sense of its want of inlargedness to Christ and the like that it cries out as the infant after the breast is not satisfied with any thing without it but the soul panteth within it self and wanteth some manifestation of Christ and this putteth upon duty from which the Lord was pleased to convince my soul that I had been sadly guilty of the misperformance of duty in this respect many times Which put my soul upon a search into it self whether I were not guilty in this respect after which I found I had been often guilty of the misperformance of duties doing them many times especially heretofore without this strong panting and sense of my want April 27. Oh my soul art thou not able to say through grace before the Lord the searcher of hearts that there was hardly that word came out of thy mouth or that action done by thee in any place or company that passeth by thee without a reveiw judging and condemning thy self for them The beginning of May though I can find little fruit or growth in my soul the sight and sense of the works of God upon my soul are as it were drawn over with a cloud yet even then oh my soul hath not the Lord much refreshed thee by enabling thee in some measure to roul upon that gracious word which hath been at seasonable times brought to thy veiw that in Hos 4. 8. I am as a green firr-tree in me is thy fruit found now this tree is alwayes green Doth not the Lord sometimes disappoint the expectation oh my soul even of the sensible enjoyment of his own presence in a duty or ordinance or society that he might the more sweeten it to thee when he is pleased to appear and the more to draw thee out to seek his appearance and to cry mightily after him O my soul why shouldest thou say thou canst not find love to God when thou dost so frequently and restlesly desire the presence and appearance of God in every ordinance and duty if it be not for his own sake why doth not my soul sit down and rest contented with the ordinances themselves Two papers were given to Mr. Knight to present before the Lord at a private fast at Fulham Chappel in the behalf of the nation May 4 1653. 1 One who continually groanes before the Lord under the sense of the body of death and the continuall issuing of it out in the whole course of their conversation to the dishonour of that God that deserveth for ever even by their souls to be admired and praised being a God that delighteth in mercy and in the manifestation of it to their poor souls notwithstanding all their rebellions against him the desire therefore of their souls is that you who love and feat the Lord would improve your interest in him in their behalf that the Lord would once be pleased to give them more power over all their corruptions that however he sees meet to deal with their bodies though he wounds yet it is he that heals though he layes sickness weakness distempers whatever he please upon them that yet he would please to give them more strength in their inward man to subdue and mortifie their corruptions and resist all the fiery darts of Sathan enabling them to walk with an holy awe and fear of his blessed self in the whole course of their conversations in all their relations and under the dispensations of God to them that so if the Lord please they might never prove by their uneven conversations any blot or blemish to the glorious Gospel of God and their Saviour Jesus Christ the thoughts whereof was if their hearts deceive them not more bitter then death 2 One who earnestly desires that those who fear the Lord would wrestle mightily with him in the behalf of some poor dead dark soul who is nearly related to them that the Lord would once be pleased to speak so effectually to their hearts that they might be caused to stand up on their feet and Jesus Christ might give them life that seeing he hath said the dead shall hear the voyce of the Sonne of God and hearing live that this blessed word might be made good to their soules that so they
more upon me J thought J should hardly be able to wait upon the Lord in his administrations the next day desiring the Lord to direct me what to do and submit my will to his yet very early that morning J had many reasonings in my self what to do being loth to distrust the power of God that J had so often found eminently held out to me and yet unwilling to tempt the Lord to appear to me in any extraordinary way desiring much his direction at last the Lord was pleased to enable me to resolve to go notwithstanding I was exceeding ill of an extraordinary cold beseeching the Lord to appear to my soul and as he was pleased to give me that probability of the injoyment of him once more that it might be a blessed opportunity to my soul and that his mighty power and spirit might accompany every word and hint to my soul that it might be of spiritual advantage to me such as I might have cause to bless his name for and also to mould me into whatever truth hee should reveal to me that day And truly I desire to acknowledge that the nineteenth day of this twelfth moneth the Lord was pleased very gloriously to appear through his word administred by our deer Pastor both in the exposition of the end of the 14. of Matt. as also in both Sermons this day at which time he began to discourse upon the 45 Psalm but did only handle the Title of it this day from which the Lord was pleased to hint out very precious glorious useful yea seasonable instructions to my soul which I desire earnestly to beg of God to cast and mould my heart into yea such truths as proved an answer to several desires of my soul many dayes before and to the groanings of my soul before the Lord even continually almost to wit that the Lord would be pleased to gather my heart out of all things below Jesus Christ and give me to the end such a sight of my Lord Jesus Christ as might indeed take my heart from all other things now that at this time the Lord should thus seasonably cast his thoughts upon such a Scripture as this it did cause my soul to admire the riches of his grace and condiscention to such a worm yea whereas my spirit hath of late been greatly troubled about my foolish conversation being not such as may any way adorn the Gospel walking very unseemly in all my relations and very much offending therein vvith my tongue vvhich hath occasioned many a sad thought upon my heart and many a sigh and groan yea tears before the Lord to set a vvatch before my mouth and subdue this vvicked iniquity in me And now did the Lord this day lay open the spring the root the cause of it my eye was not as it ought upon my heart nor my heart as it ought to be upon Jesus Christ nor when it was upon him was it in a boyling frame for as by him hinted were the heart boyling hot about the Lord Jesus Christ the tongue could not issue out such vanities as it doth novv dear Lord let not these things be spread before me in vain I beseech thee but do thou by the mighty Power of thy spirit make them of singular use unto me The 11th of this first Month the Lord drew out my heart very much amongst other things to beg of him to manifest himself in that Relation of an Husband to my soul more and more letting me to find and feel what it was experimentally to be imbraced by him and gathered up into more intimate communion with him and much more to this effect The next morning he caused my soul to breath out in this manner That though I was every vvay unfit for communion with him yet beseeching him to appear to my soul and a sight of himself would much rejoice my heart telling him that as he had often appeared gloriously in this kind so that he would please to let my soul find once again by experience his mighty power to break out through what ever instruments he shall please to make use of this day that I might through them have a glorious sight of himself In which the Lord was pleased greatly to bow down appearing graciously through Mr. Price who spake to us in his Name the 12. day of this first Month. Upon the 26. day of this first Month 1654. we went to James expecting to have heard Mr. Cradock but when we came there we heard there would be a stranger at which I was much troubled in my spirit and after some debate in my self I began to repine but expecting the Lord might have some seasonable Word for me and truly blessed be his Name there was many seasonable things hinted to my soul by him which both refreshed stayed my spirit The next day at night being the 27 of this first Month Amongst other things when I was seeking of the Lord he drew out my soul with some measure of sensibleness of his hand upon our Pastor vvhat a sad stroke it vvould be if the Lord should strip us of him taking him from us oh What vvould become of Gods glory how vvould his and our enemies insult over us though it is true vve have deserved it I am sure I have to be stripped of this mercy and scattered from each other because vve have been no more fruitful under all the mercies means and appearances of God through him and I begged to sanctifie his hand upon him both as to him and us teach us all to improve it and know his mind in it desiring the Lord vvithal that he vvould please to hasten and accomplish his Work through this dispensation and in his own time to command health and deliverance to us and give in this mercy as a pledge of his love amongst us that he might come again amongst us filled vvith the spirit and ready to break out those discoveries of God upon his heart and that vve also may be fitted for this mercy and made more ready to receive impression from God through him then formerly And for my own soul after many requests for the subduing of corruptions and regulating my affections and taking off my heart from all things here below and placing it upon the Lord Jesus after which and many other requests the Lord drew out my heart with desires that if the Lord saw it meet to add another night or another day to me that he would together with it give me a heart to serve him in it and that as he reneweth the light and raiseth from sleep so that he would inliven my heart in his waies and quicken up my soul to a more lively service of him and if the Lord see it meet to give me one opportunity more to hear his word that he would please to fit me for it and to come in through whatsoever instrument he shall please that my soul might have such a blessed sight of him