sometimes a Beam of hope would shine in upon my soul from the consideration of the merits and blood of Christ my dear Lord and Saviour yet the same was imediately clouded by the revolution of the thoughts premised and now it was I found how hard the work of repentance let the world pass what sentiments they please thereon was to bring about how many were the conflicts with the flesh and the Devil that I grapled with how many bitter sighs and groans how many fears and terrors was I wrapped up in ere I could bring my self to a serious and hearty repentance for my past crimes It is true the condition I was in under a sentence of Death made me sorry that I had committed the offence that had brought me thereto yet the fear of death more then the greatness of the crime against God was the cause of that sorrow and had not that sentence been past upon me I fear my heart would never have been affected with that sorrow Whence I would beg and request of all to whom these lines shall come that they take it as the advice of a dying woman who being nearer can see further into the things of another world then those who stand at a distance thence that they would not deferr the great work of repentance till they come within prospect of eternity which every day brings them nearer to then other Thus much in general I shall descend to particulars in shewing you how God hath pleased to work upon me in order to the settlement of my thoughts under these confusions I was at present under wherein notwithstanding all those suggestions the Devil and my own evil heart did terrifie me with I have found that God is a merciful father to repentant and returning sinners though just against obstinate offenders To his free grace in Christ Jesus my Lord I attribute all the comfort I have and must receive here and hereafter Wherefore in the first place I shall shew you that God hath been pleased by a graciously powerful hand to work upon me in turning me to a perfect detestation of my sins more in that they are and have been an affront to his Majesty then the Cause of that temporal Death I am to suffer therefore To make out this I am to acquaint you that having received my Sentence on Thursday night I continued in great confusions as aforesaid for two or three days and though a good Friend who tarried most part of the time with me assisted me with his advice and prayers yet could I not bring my self to so setled a temper but that my fears clouded my hopes and deprived me of those comforts which otherwise and under other Considerations I might have received the devil being all this time busie in stirring that mud my own evil heart had too readily raised On the Munday following I was visited by a Minister of worth within the City of London who after several questions by him propounded and threats of the Law against such criminals as my self were laid open I began to see my transgressions without that vizard the Tempter had generally masked them with the uncomely shape whereof did administer that amazement to me which was the first step of that abhorrency I have since conceived against them and no wonder that poor creatures are so much deceived in their opinion of sin considering the specious advantage under which a representation by that evil one is made thereof the which till the purblinde eyes of man come to the nearest view thereof to wit in a punishment therefore or by Gods speciall grace he can never discern it in its true proportion or colour but continues under a fancied deceit that there is in sin somewhat exceedingly amiable profitable or reputable amongst men without which he could never live under that injoyment of happiness and content as the same would at all times afford him Thus with many thousands in the like case with me I was always deluded and on this account did I run on in those sinful courses whose end is a scertain'd destruction as I to my cost have found it but the time is now come that the vail is drawn aside and I begin to consider the inside and bottom of those crimes which before that time lay covered under a specious and fair superficies and thereby came to a discovery of what before I never did really possess my self with I now consider'd every sin a breach of Gods Law and a provocation of that vengeance that might every moment have spurned me into an abysse of misery and turned me out amongst those who are weeping wailing and gnashing their teeth in the pit of perdition from whence to the throne of grace and mercy no appeal can be and that it was the exceeding patience and forbearance of God that he had spared so vile so impure a wretch as my self so long under such continued and repeated impieties to violate his laws and contemn his most Sacred and august authority which considerations as they raised my detestation and hatred against sin so did they inhance the value and price of Gods mercy the two first stones to that great work of conversion which I hope God has in me the unworthyest subject of his choice in some measure graciously effected as arguments of which my own heart gives me these five evidences which laid together confirm the same to my comfort 1. That under the sence of my Sin I confesse and acknowledg my self deservedly a condemned creature unless the application of the blood of Christ my Saviour and his intercession at the throne of grace joyning with the free love of God shall repeal the sentence against me 2. I do throughly and from my heart detest and abhor sin in general and should God please to lengthen out my days I should continue my resolutions of a through repentance and reformation of life forsaking all courses contrary to Gods holy word and Law 3. I find in my Spirit a delight in reading and prayer things I formerly omitted and eschewed 4. A fiduciary expectation of forgiveness from God of all past crimes through Jesus Christ freely relying and reposing my self on him for Salvation 5. I do freely and from my heart forgive all the world and bear to none the least ill will Which considerations are the ground of that hope that balmes my wounded heart and cordialls my decaying spirits under the great change I am so shortly to make To discourse of which is the next and last thing I have to say and would to God I could now lay by all the cloggs of flesh and earth and mount up upon the wings of faith into such a state as the Apostle was when he desired to be dissolved and be with Christ but alas how many difficulties am I now to graple with what Mountains of opposition stand in my way too high and great to travel over before me I see a fair Heaven inviting and alluring the aspect to an
enjoyment thereof but distant from my Eye by depth seemingly stormy and impassible into which I am fearfull and loath to lanch fearing the weight of my sins should sink me ere I could compasse the other shore I look back and see my former habitations in the flesh which knowledge and custome had rendred pleasant to me ruined and destroyed nothing commendable in it for my stay or entertainment my familiars forgetting despising and forsaking me under disgrace with all through my own crime and folly and a Judicial necessity upon me to speed my way in this case perplexed comfort flys me on all sides if I look down I am startled at my own ill representations and shadow to Heaven therefore is my best and last refuge whether when I extend my Eyes my soul breaths our in desires to this or the like effect Lord thou knowest my past frailties and present perplexities be thou my streersman to guide me through this Sea of tears to thy self without thee and thy assistance I should immediately split upon the Rocks of despair or sink into the Gulph of infidelity where I should ever remain without hope to bring my Shipwrackt Soul into the Haven of thy mercy which stands at all times open for repenting and believing sinners To such breathings of my Soul God is sometimes pleased to give the answer of his spirit in the return of peace at which time as the Sun that hath long lain hid in a dark Ecclipse darts forth its refreshing rays to the comfort of beholders so from that black scene of sorrow under which my breast is troubled radiates a joy unspeakable and so great that I cannot express it but in the blessed effects thereof which leads me to the despising the world in the greatest pleasures of it and mounts up my Soul so high above the nether Sphere that when I view it methinks it seems so little and despicable a spot what were it to be purchased by the rate of one of the least crimes I ever was guilty of it would be unmercifully over rated and in this condition imagine whether I have any minde or desire to take up a habitation therein and neglect those divine mansions where cares and troubles and above all sin is a stranger Mansions where God and Angells inhabit and enjoy themselves in a continued Halelujah and harmony to which I am a going it is then I can kiss the halter that shall strangle me and the hand that shall dispatch me to these enjoyments accounting my self happy in my troubles and blest in my miseries But thus it fares not at all times with me but flesh will get the upper hand and sometimes drag me down to Earth and keep me from mounting Heavenward which as it is against my peace so likewise much against my will and prayers to God that he would please to prevent it Thus have I gone through with what in the first part of this Discourse was premised viz. an Account of my Life and crime for which I received my sentence of Death as also the sence of my condition upon consideration of both it remains now only upon the whole That the Reader would candidly interpret of what these lines have contained and make use of them as a warning from running on in those ways the Devil and my own heart hath led me in whose end will be certainly bitter to all that pursue the same which that the same use may be made thereof shall be to the last gasp the prayer of Dorothy Lillingstone A Supplement to the Preceding Discourse IT is certainly the highest Judgement as well as the greatest misery of this Age that the frequent and many Examples which every day present themselves to the view of the World should work so little upon the Inhabitants thereof to turn them from their evill ways to repentance and make them forsake those courses whose end will be assuredly greivous to them one main reason whereof may be this That so few amongst the many that are by Gods Justice set forth as Examples to others are regarded as such but are esteemed as the worst of creatures and so not worthy the serious considerations of such that think themselves paramount above the fear or danger of falling into such crimes as brought those to their deserved ends little considering the deceitfullness of their own hearts and the pronenesse of every one of us if once deserted by God to fall into the worst of crimes or else the Example intended by God is stiffled by the sufferers silence or the reputation of Relations who are not to expose their friends failings and disgracefull ends to the World To prevent both which false uses of Gods providence the preceding discourse was intended and penned wherein the truth of the Relation commends the same to the Reader And I shall say but little Additional thereto only request that into whose hands this small Treatise may fall they would make this treble use of it 1. To see the deceitfulnesse of the heart of man 2. The great mischeifs that arise from the seemingly little and inconsiderable beginnings of sin 3. To take this as an Example to warn others from trusting to their own hearts or venturing upon sin in the least degree thereof lest thereby they may be brought to those mischiefs which be certainly destructive to the pursuers This only by the way I now proceed to give an Account of Dorothy Lillingstone since the end of her own Narrative The day before her death being with her I made an inquiry in what condition she found her self and whether she was settled and disposed for the great work she was the next day to go through To which she answered me that it was no easy work to dye but such wherein the greatest difficulties imaginable were to be encountred and she had upon the first thoughts of the same so found it but through the grace of God she had been so wrought upon that she could then easily and willingly meet and embrace it in the worst of its appearances or words to this effect after which upon further discourse I inquired upon what grounds she became willing to dye who had been formerly so terrified thereat to which she replied God had been so mercifull to her and made her sencible of the greatness of her crimes whereby she had been wrought to a real Repentance therefore and thereby was under the great hopes of forgiveness through the blood and merits of Christ her dearest Lord and Saviour the which temper of minde she was further incouraged to through the certainty of her Death which every minute she was put in mind of by the sight of her Coffin and shrowd then being in the Chamber with her after which I began through the great hopes I perceived of her to give her consolation and encouragement in her present temper of minde and assured her that her sins though never so many and great as she had confest hers to be were not sufficient to stand between God and her happiness for that Gods Mercy was infinite and her iniquities in the highest sum but finite I then enquired of her how she intended to spend the ensuing night to which she answered she had taken her last farewell of her bed and did intend to set up in Prayer and Reading all night against which considering her weaknesse I disswaded her telling her her strength could not bear it out to which she suddenly answered Perswade me not against it for I am resolved this night to serve my God though in weaknesse and I am encouraged to hope he will accept thereof After which being about to leave her she only desired me to provide her a little Bible having then only a great one by her to carry in her hand the next day to the place of Execution saying she would there reade a Chapter and a Psalm and in a few words give warning to the Spectators of her death and the causes of it and so commend her self and soul to God in prayer After which I left her to God And the next Morning I came to her early and rejoyced to finde her in a very quiet temper of minde submitting to the Justice of God in the great work she was that day to undergo the which she told me she was encouraged unto in that God had pleased to lift up the Light of his Countenance upon her and give her some assurance of his love to her notwithstanding her manifold crimes in and through Christ and that now she could leave the World willingly expecting those happinesses in the place whether she was going that all the greatnesses and pleasures could be met with in her abode here could never afford her I then enquired whether according to her former desire this Manuall should be exposed to the World to which she answeâ—â—d me she was very desirous it might and that I would cause the same to be Printed saying she had spoken to severall Ministers therein who had commended her former thoughts in relation thereto and that her friends did expect it but above all she hoped it might be for the publick benefit to warn others from crimes that were her destruction saying she hop'd that her ruine might stand as a monument of Brasse to give notice to the world of the evil and pernicious work of Sin After which I left her and met her again at the place of Execution where she behaved her self Exemplarily penitent amongst the number of those who suffered with her and were obstinately hardened under the sentence of Death at which time she read the 7th Chapter of Job and the 51. Psalm and addressed her self to God in prayer desiring the spectators there present to pray for her and to take her example as a means to deter them from the courses that brought her to that deserved and shameful end which she was now come at that place and time to accomplish After which she quietly surrendered her soul to the Almighty and her body to Execution which work being over her friends removed her Corps in a Coach in order to her Buriall and accordingly was decently interred in in the Parish Church of St. George's Southwark FINIS
Gods Mercy and Justice Displayed IN THE WICKED LIFE AND PENITENTIAL DEATH OF DOROTHY LILLINGSTONE Executed the 7. of April 1679. at Kennington for Murthering her Bastard-Childe Published at Her Earnest Request With Allowance London Printed by J. Bennet for R. Miller 1679. The Life and Death of Dorothy Lillingstone I Acknowledge it a mercy beyond my expectation or desert that the Almighty should please to spare me this time and opportunity to make my peace with him who by my repeated Impieties I have so often and hainously offended as likewise to confess my crimes to others thereby to deter and warn all from treading in those paths that have brought me into the condition I am now miserably groaning under the latter of which works as it may conduce in some measure to accomplish the former is the intent of the insuing lines wherein to pretermit all matters unnecessary I shall in the first place give the world some account of my former ill-led life and the crime for which I stand under sentence of Death and in the next my present sence of the state and condition I am in As to the first of which I am to acquaint you That I was born in Oxfordshire and received my Education under godly and religious parents whose names in respect to the reverence I owe to their memory I shall in this place spare with them till the age of thirteen years I lived in which space the most innocent part of my life I can reflect upon I began to find the sprouting of those Sins which afterwards in my life and future conversation did grow to greater maturity and bore the bitter fruits of my present sufferings The first of which that came under my observation and now sticks hard upon my conscience was disobedience to my parents in those instructions and commands their love and my interest put them upon laying before me to wit the service of that God to whom my being and well-being was indebted but careless of those instructions and my own good I trampled upon their advice and like the Swine disregarded the pearl not knowing the value of it and wallowed in the mire and dirt of my own evil heart and affections forsaking my Duties to God both in private and publick prayer reading and hearing with other duties of his worship which was the first cause that provoked God to leave me to my self and so consequently to all the evils I have since fell into in the consideration of which my conscience flies in my face and upbraids me with this great truth that the breach was not on Gods part but mine for if I had continued in those ways and courses my parents by the inculcation of Scripture had taught me and not trusted to my self or my own manadgery God would never have forsaken me nor permitted me to fall into those inconveniences I now sink under the weight of I left my parents about the age of thirteen and betook my self to a service in Becconsfield in the County of Bucks where growing in years I grew in sin and day by day added guilt to guilt to my former disobedience of my parents and neglect of God I now joyned lust and pride those two reigning and destructive sins the root and beginning of all my future failings to which as to the head spring I owe all the motions and gradations I have made hellwards the strength of which two sins especially that of my lust the Devil that great deluder of souls made the bait of his temptations to ensnare keep me in the net of his Jurisdiction wherein I then commenced and have ever since continued a slave How great the power of this sin is when once it hath made an inroad upon Chastity the bulwark against it those only know who feel the powerful operations thereof in themselves or behold it in the sad instances and effectives of its strength in others from Becconsfield I removed to Wattleton in the same County to another service which happened in a publick house in which place being not fifteen years of age I made my self a prostitute to those lusts I had before that time only approved of and was delighted with in the revolution of my thoughts the remembrance of which sin at that time a most sweet and delicious morsel to my palat is now the bitter ingredient of my misery It is now I see how deceitfully fair were all those false apples of Sodom my former pleasures Rottenness was lodged in the core pollution in the touch and destruction in the taste thereof From Wattleton I removed for London but though I changed my residence my heart was not changed and I still continued in those courses the suggestions thereof and my own impure affections led me to and grew more hardy and bold in my crimes Sins I formerly trembled at the commitment of I could now meet without the least reluctancy or tremulation swallowing greedily my own poyson esteeming it my pleasantest food and choicest provision such as wherein neither danger of surfetting my soul or destroying my body was ever in the least to be feared yet at some time the Devil though his power was soveraigne in me could not stop the mouth of that rebel to him my conscience but it would tell me how great a criminal I was to my self and slave to an unjust master in the courses I prosecuted this in the heat and vigour of my injoyments would sometimes quell and damp them but like a sickly Qualm the health of my pleasure would quickly rid my stomack thereof the Devil turning Phisitian as at such times he was always readiest to do and administring a pill or dose of false comfort to relieve me From London I returned to my parents in Oxfordshire where after some short stay with them I removed to Chesham little delighting in the company of those whereby I might have been benifited in relation to my soul knowing that that would put me upon bridling my lust too great a self-denial to be thought on with patience At Chesham I alighted into a Family where I lived about two years one year and three quarters of which I lived in the constant commitment of whoredom with my Master who was at that time a married man and by him I had a Childe which is yet living to bring which into the world and to cover that sin I had committed I was removed for London where after some short time being delivered of the burthen of my sin and shame and the issue thereof provided for I went in the quality of a wet-Nurse into a very honest and Religious Family in Roderith where I might if my own evil heart had not been foolish and desperately wicked been warned both by their example and precept to other courses then I did then or since follow but when once God gives up a person or people to a reprobate sence and state neither examples can allure nor precepts oblige them to what may be for their