natural life of the said Asse And to this effect she bequeathed a portion of money to be disposed of from time to time in oats for the Asse so died Shortly after the Asse died also Then the olde womans sonne who had a colt of the aforesaid asse finding that the Asse at her death time had left behind her a good quantity of her allowance in oates vnspent which he lawfully demanding of the Executors they denyed to deliuer him He thereupon came to a graue Doctor in law to haue his aduise in the case Whereunto the Doctor in full notice of all the matter thus resolu'd him viz. That he might lawfully enter his action against the aforesaid executors for the oates because both he himselfe was heire vnto his mother as also his colt to whose vse he was chiefly to pretend it was the other Asses natural issue and heir apparant This was the Law-doctors sage opinion vpon this text which hee concluded he would warrant for good law One telling an honest Gentleman that he doubted not but his friend should speed well in his Law-matter hauing so good a purse and so great friends The Gent answered If that bee all your hope the more is the pity A widow Gentlewoman in King Henry the 7. dayes gaue the Feasant for her cognizance and one Cooke her aduersarie Attorney in Law said at the barre in disgrace of her cause that he doubted not ere he had done but he wold throughly plume her Feasant and make it a poore bird The Gentlewoman answered Then is it great pitie so faire a birde should fall into so foule a Cooks handling Two Lawyers met the next day after the tearme and th' one saide to th' other I am sure you carie full bagges downe with you into the countrey hauing made so good a haruest of this Tearme Not so answered the other rather doe I thinke you haue For your bagges I dare say are so top-full of fees that when you throw them downe vpon the boord they make no sound at all as mine doe Th' other reply'd Then belike I haue the oddes of you in money and you of me in musicke A simple Iustice was complain'd vnto of a wrong sentence he had giueÌ„ against one And he answered Quod esquilse esquilse viz Quod scripst scripst A souldiour comming to a Lawyer to haue a bill drawne The Lawyer did it And then hee offred him his sword in payment Wherunto the Lawyer excepted and said Blade me no bladings but giue me good gheult A great Lawyer loosing his money at Cardes was in a pelting chafe and by chaunce a friend of his comming in and marueilling to see him so teasty The Lawyer sayd I doe but canuasse the errour of this action A miserable petti-fogger and his boy traueilling vp to the tearme wading through a brooke the streame was so strong that it bore him quite away And euen as his legges began to faile him he turn'd backe to his boy and said Nowe is it time if thou hast any thing of mine come giue it me quickly The Emperour Charles at his first entrie into Toledo tooke an oath according to the prerogatiue of that place to preserue and secure vnto the Citizens all their auncient rites and priuiledges inuiolable which after he had sworn and that the towns publike Notarie had ingrossed it of record The saide Notarie then said vnto him If your Majesty please to performe what you haue heere sworne God blesse you if not God incline your heart that you may and blesse you neuerthelesse A young Scriuener read a bill of sale to his maister and the words went thus Be it known vnto all men to whom this present bill shall come or appertaine that I A. B of such a place doe by these presents passe graunt giue and make ouer vnto C.D. of such a place all my lands and possessions lying and being in such a place for the summe of so much money alredie in hande receiued And heerat he paused a while to spette Whereat his surlie maister half angrie testie said On on with a mischiefe Then the fellow proceeded and read Namely to you and your heires and to al that shall or may heerafter issue from them and theirs to the worlds end A Scriuener was writing a Marchantes last will and testament in which the marchant expressed many debts that were owing him which he will'd his executors to take vp and dispose to such and such vses A kinsman of this Marchantes then standing by and hoping for some good thing to be bequeathed him long'd to heare some good newes to that effect and â—aide vnto the Scriuener hagh hagh what saith my vncle now Doth he now make his Maundies No answered the Scriuener he is yet in his demaunds A Scriuener taking an inuentorie of all the goods and chattels of a dissembling Iew one will'd him to set downe certaine flitches of Bacon that hung in his kitchin chimney Wherunto the Scriuener answered No they are no mooueables for I dare say they are by this time of day deep rooted in his beleefe The end of the second part of this booke Wittes Fittes and Fancies The third Part. OF LOVE AND LOVERS ANamorous Asse perfum'd his loue-letter to his maistresse and fearing least she should neglect how sweet it was wrote in a post-script vnderneath I pray you maistresse after you haue read this letter smell to it A widow Gentlewoman hearing a yoong Noblemans discourse vnto her of the mariageable loue he bare her daughter and she objecting that she was too meanly discended to be wife to so great a Lord as he He answered A more matter is loue then Lordship A Gentleman seeing a faire Gentlewoman at a window he volted and carabetted vpon his horse a good space before her and at last away he pranced Anon after he came that way again and did as before and so continued a good while At last he departed for good and all and being come home he sent her two bottles of Orange flower water by his page Which the Gentlewoman accepting said vnto the page Now I pray thee my Lad thanke thy maister and tel him that I thought his euening wind would turne to water A Spaniard going to a femal house in Antwarp was demanded by a friend of his whether he went Who answered To practise vpon a sinner in th' act of charitie Celestina is a daintie pastorall loue-booke in Spanish and it signifieth Celestiall A Scholler comming to visit his maistresse she desired him to helpe her to the saide Celestina Who answered Your selfe being the Originall what would you doe with the translation Fuente in Spanish signifies a fountaine Two Gent. came to visit a GentlewomaÌ„ whose Paramour was one Senior Fuente They walking in the hall together one of them said Lord what a fresh house is this I haue not come in a fresher Th' other answered No marueill for it hath a Fuente in it viz. a fountaine A Gent. had stolne a faire
sonne there after much mone and lamentation ouer him she chanced to cast her eye aside and there by espy'd a dead Englishman Then vp she arose and much accursing our nation for the death of her sonne in the end she stripped him of his apparell and chanced to find a stale lofe of bread in his breeches which was of the prouision hee brought with him from the English pale which after she had a good while well viewed wondred at in the end burst foorth into fresh teares and said No maruell if my deare sonne bee slaine by one that voydes so hard and huge a sturd A Scot was a preaching how that all men are one an others neighbour and brother in Christ euen the Turke the Iew the Moore the Caniball the farre Indian and then concluded Yea and the very Englishman is our neighbour too A Portugall Frier was discoursing in his sermon of a greate victorie his Nation had against the Spaniards that day twelue monethes and said Then both th' Armies camped neere vnto the riuer we Christians on the one side and the Spaniards on the other A drunken Christian and a Iewish Christian being at tearms of brabble the Drunkard call'd the counterfeit a drunken companion and the counterfeit call'd him a Iew The next day they met again the Drunkard then said vnto the Iew Sirrha take thy Iew to thy selfe and restore mee my Drunkard again Sanabria a Spanish Captaine vs'd to say that it was extream crueltie in the Muffes to make their wiues their drudges in the warres and no lesse vanitie in the Spaniard to make his maid his maistresse A Spaniard brauing an English fugitiue souldiour in the Low-Countries said that in his dayes hee had slaine as manie Englishmen as he had buttons in his doublet The Englishman answered So often kisse you my tayle One requested his supposed friend to stead him in a certain occasion which the other refus'd him saying To doe you good in good sort you might draw me after you to Ierusalem with a wollen twine but to doe yll to pleasure you you shall pardon me Whereunto th' other answered I to Ierusalem I thinke well for that belike is your country Don Diego Garcia Paredez woonted to say that all other nations speake with their lips but the Spaniard with his heart Gonzalo Fernandez said That Frenchmen at the first encounter are more then men and afterward lesse then women One saying that French paper was better cheape in England then English paper An other answered No maruell for why they haue more ragges to make paper of in France then wee haue in England by reason they haue more beggers A Portugals wife calling a Castilian skeruy Spaniard Her husband said Alas wife it is mischiefe ynough that the poore soule is a Spaniard though he be not skeruie too An Englishman brauing a Frenchman and saying that it was not for nought that England giues the Lions so braue and magnanimous is our nation The Frenchman answered I but the Lion dreads the Cocke So said in reference that Frenchmen are called in Latin Galli Isabel Queen of Spaine hearing another Citie prais'd aboue Toledo said If it be as great as Toledo then is it not so strong and if it be as strong then is it not so great A great Clearke being come to Toledo where he noted the people very ingenious ciuill and discreet hee said Neuer till now that I am in Toledo did I think my selfe an errand foole It is the prouerbiall praise of Venice Venice who neuer saw it cannot esteeme it Isabell Queen of Spaine asked one Don Alonso Carilio what he thought of the citie of Cordua who answered A many villages met in Parliament A Spanish Jester woonted to say that in the citie of Sigouiae were eight moneths of winter and foure of hell It is prouerbiall in our country Frō Hull Hell Halifax good Lord deliuer vs. OF RELIGIONS ONe prayed thus God blesse and saue my Father my Mother my Brothers my Sisters my Wife my Children and mee and no more An other that ouer-heard him answered The Deu'll take thy Father thy Mother thy Brothers thy Sisters thy Wife thy Children and thee and no more A Scottish Euangelist quarrelling with an Englishman about Religion Tut said he you are all Papists yet in England for that your Churches are still standing euery where An Italian Pessant hearing in a passion sermon vpon a good Friday that Iewes did crucifie Christ the Preacher much inueighing against their hard hartednesse therein Anon after the sermon ended he demaunded of one what countrywoman the Virgin Marie was to whom being answered that she was a Iewe the Swaine then remembring that she was their country woman that crucifi'd Christ all in a rage he rusht vpon her Image and all to broke it So indiscreetly the fool hated Iewes for Christ his sake A pure Dame caus'd her picture to be drawne with a bible in her hand and a drop of bloud falling downe from heauen vpon it and written vnderneath thus By Gods bloud and his word I am sure to be saued At what time the Inquisition was first established in Spaine it was proclaimed throughout all that Countrie that all Iewes and others that would not subscribe thereunto should within certaine daies voyde the Realme and packe away A company of Iewes heerupon presentlie departed and arriued at Marselles a sea-Town in France Now one of them walking the next day vpon the key sawe another ship arriue thither and some halfe dozen of his Iewish acquaintance disembarke out of it whom he hartily welcommed into those partes and demanded the cause of their comming They because a many Frenchmen were in place and loth they were to be knowne for Iewes answered Hether wee are come for the death of a certaine man The other reply'd And I euen for the same cause One inuited a Iew to dinner and caus'd minc'd Porke to be seru'd to the boord so deceiptfullie that he thought the Iewe could not suspect it But the Iew imagining the truth ask'd notwithstanding what meat it was They answered Minc'd birdes of diuers sortes Oh would they had wings thensaid the Iew to flie away from this boord A conuertite Iew trauelling on the way with certain Spanish Gent. they arriued at last at a brooke where because they knewe not the certaine depth of it they strain'd curt'sie who should goe formost At last the Conuertite was the hardy man that did it and hee did it safely and then the rest followed after Being all safe on th' other side one of the Gent. said that he maruell'd how so late a Christian as he could haue the heart to aduenture himself to danger seeing such kind of men are commonly most fearfull in all dangerous occasions Wherunto an other of them adjoyned From fire God blesse him for water we see he litle feares Two dissembling Christians being indeed both Iewes as well in their secret beleefe as in linage were at tearms of
brabble with one an other th' one demaunding a certaine debt and th' other denying it Wherupon the demandant challenged his faithfull promise made him at such a time for the repay therof Which the other confessed but adjoyn'd withall that that faith full promise was but to amend his faith With that in steps mee a Spaniard an acquaintance of them both and said Being both one peece of cloth how can any amendment be perceiu'd A Iewish Christian being at a banquet in a wood among many Ladies and Gent. a Gammon of Bacon was seru'd to the boord and he to auoid suspition of Iudaisme tasted therof But when the banquet was done he sorted himselfe alone into the thickest of the wood behind a tree forc'd vp all the Bacon againe with a fether out of his stomacke Which being seene by one or two of the companie they all jested at him therfore and call'd him Iew Wherunto he answered No Iew Gentlewomen but thus Assoone as euer the Deuilles saw or smelt so good a relicke as Bacon within my body they straight flue out at my mouth in vomit One call'd a dissembling Iew Turn-coat Wherupon the Iew entred his actiō of slander against him hauing brought it to the issue the partie was cōdemn'd to confesse in open court the slander and withall to pay him a som of mony in consideration Then the partie thus in open Court retracted the slaunder saying I confesse that I haue highly injured maister N. in hauing call'd him Turne-coat for on my conscience I think he is still as errand a Iew as euer he was A Preacher in Spaine perswaded a Moore to Christianitie who seeming conceiptlesse of what was saide vnto him the Preacher said For ought I see my wordes enter in at one eare of you and goe out at the other The Moore answered They neither enter in nor yet goe out One in Queen Maries dayes that had formerly vnder King Henry gotten much by the fall of Abbayes went about to build a Chappell Whereupon a Gent. his Neighbour said that it was like as if one hauing first rauished the mother would afterward pay for the nursing of the child One vs'd to say that it is a merrie world when folk accompt it follie to build a Church One that was a Iewes sonne and passed for a Christian met a Gent. an aduersarie of his a horse-backe he himselfe being also a horse-backe and said vnto him How chanceth it maister N. you ride so weaponlesse to day the other answered Marie because I meane not to kill him vpon the Crosse. One hearing that a Iew had murthered his child said Better be a Iewes hogge by that accompt then his childe For Iewes eat no Hogs-flesh A zealous virgin-Iew in Rome was held in high reuerence among the Israelites there so verie vertuous shee seem'd and chaste in all her carriage But a Florentine found the way by night to her may den-bed and did his deed so throughlie that all her holinesse would no longer conceale it but still swell'd euery day more and more till being at last vtterly detected t' was ten to one that she was not reputed a baggage but in lieu of such infamie so erroneus was the reuerence the Iewes had of her virginity that they perswaded themselues she was verily with child of their Messias And in that errour their Rabins directed their letters and postes vpon posts to all the Iewish Synagogues throughout all Christendom and Greece for certain Elders of euery Synagogue to come vp to the natiuitie of that Babe which accordingly was done Insomuch as during that season Rome was a world of Iewes so confluently they repaired thether from all partes Now marke the end At nine monethes end this Virgin Iew was brought a bed of a Florentine daughter OF ATTIRES AN elder brother was commending his yoonger brothers green cloake and said it became him passing well Th' other answered But a black mourning cloake from you would become me better One wore his shooes garnish'd with cut and vncut fringe and one seeing it said vnto him Weare a maske before your face for shame that the world discouers your pimples One wore a strawe-hat in a strange place and the people flock'd about him all gazing at the noueltie At last a Church-man passed by and pittying to see a stranger so gar'd vpon asked him whether he had any acquaintance thereabout or no who answered Why aske you Marie to th' end quoth he if you haue any he may do well to come and defend you from these beastes least happily they eat vp all your straw and leaue you nere a whit for your supper One seeing a Gentlewoman attyr'd all in white sayd that she had laid her chastity a whiting One wore his cassack-sleeues close girt vnder his girdle one that sawe it said it was like a pinion'd Goose. A Spaniard hauing a Moore slaue let him goe a long time in a poor ragg'd mandilian without sleeues one asking him why he dealt so sleeuelesly with the poore wretch He answered I crop his wings for feare he flie away A Ladie of high calling disguizing her selfe with a vayle accompaned onely with her wayting Gentlewoman went to a Gold-smith to cheapen plate standing at the shop a Gallant chanced to come by who seeing her so and supposing her such a one as would easilie admit conference in loue and leuity began to common and complie with her in that kind But she gaue him a scornfull begone saying See heere vnder this vaile no common garment nor am I as I seeme The Gallant thereat all in a chafe answered Be what you be will and be so attyr'd then or els be as you are attyr'd A Gent. prepar'd himselfe toward a day of tilting and because money fail'd him to furnish him passing braue against the time he was faine to sell a very rich Mandilian that he had saying Whiles others Mandilian themselues toward Tilt I vnmandilian mee A Iester seeing a Gallant weare a little deminitiue bonnet vpon his head with a band to it all to beset with gold buttons sayd Foule befall the Smith that shod yonder Asse so close An vpstart Gallant was attyr'd in Taffeta all ouer figured with flames of fire which a Gent. seeing and knowing his base parentage said to thē in his company Behold yonder strawey Cottage goes in danger of fiering A faire Gentlewoman will'd her seruant on a day of tilting to attire himselfe all in greene which he did And comming into the Tylt-yard so attyr'd Gonzalo Fernandez the great Spanish Captaine knewe him and guessing at his Mistresse and at the cause of his Greene said vnto him If shee knowe you not by your habit giue it her in hand One that for the space of many yeeres together was neuer seene on the holy-dayes other then in one cloake a Gent. thus bejested him saying Nere a holy day but I see clokes but neuer saw I cloake of so many holidayes in all my life A