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ID Title Author Corrected Date of Publication (TCP Date of Publication) STC Words Pages
A02160 A quip for an vpstart courtier: or, A quaint dispute betvveen veluet breeches and cloth-breeches Wherein is plainely set downe the disorders in all estates and trades. Greene, Robert, 1558?-1592. 1592 (1592) STC 12301A.3; ESTC S105865 42,290 48

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are the more welcome What is it qd he Mary said I whether Clothbréeches or veluetbréeches are of more worth and which of them hath the best title to bee resident in England At this the lawier smild and veluet bréeches stepping forth tooke acquaintance of him and commending his honestie said ther could not be a man of better indifferency of the iurie when cloth bréeches stepping in swore hee maruelled bee was not as well as the Surgion exempted by act of parliament from being of any quest sith as the surgion was without pittie so hé was without conscience and therevpon inferd his challenge saieng the Lawyer was neuer frend to clothbréeches for when lowlinesse neighbourhood and hospitality liued in England Westminster hall was a dyning chamber not a den of controuersies when the king himselfe was content to keepe his S. Georges day in a plaine paire of kersie hose when the duke erle lord knight gentleman and esquire aimed at vertue not pride and wore such breeches as was spun in his house then the lawyer was a simple man and in the highest degree but a bare scrinener except Iudges of the land which tooke in hand serious matters as treasons murthers felons and such capitall offences but sildome was there any Pleas put in before that proud vpstart veluet breeches for his maintenance inuented strange controuersies and since he begā to dominier in England he hath buzd such a proud busie couetous incroaching humor into euery mans head that lawiers are growne to be one of the chéese lims of the common wealth for they do now adaies de lana caprina rixare goe to lawe if a hen do but scrape in his Oarchard but howsoeuer right be might carries away the verdict if a poore man sue a Gentleman why hee shoots vp to the skie and the arrow fals on his own head howsoeur the cause goe the weakest is thrust to the wall lawiers are troubled with the heat of the liuer which makes the palmes of their hands so hot that they cānot be cold vnlesse they be rubd with the oyle of angels but the poore mā that giues but his bare fee or perhaps pleads in forma pauperes hee hunteth for hares with a taber gropeth in the darke to find a needle in a botle of hay tush these lawiers haue such delatory foren pleas such dormers such quibs quiddits that beggering their clients they purchase to themselues whole lordships it booteth not men to discourse their little cōscience great exhortatiō only suffice they be not so rich as they be bad yet they be but to welthy I inueigh not against law nor honest lawiers for there be some well qualified but against extorting Ambodexters y ● wring the poore because I know not whether this be such a one or no I challenge him not to be of my Iury. Why thē qd I his worship may depart thē I questioned what he in the buffe ierkin was mary quoth he I am a serieant he had no sooner said so but veluet breeches leapt back and drawing his rapier swore hee did not only challenge him for his iury but protested if he stird one foot towards him hee would make him eate a peece of his po●…ard And what is the reason qd I that there is such mortall hatred betwixt you and th●… serieant Oh sir qd veluet breeches search him and I warrant you the knaue hath precept vpon precept to arrest mee hath worne his mace smooth with onely clapping it vpon my shoulder hee hath had mee vnder coram so often oh that reprobate is the 〈◊〉 executioner to bring such Gentlemen to Limbo as hee hath ouerthrowne with his ●…ase brocage and bad commodities and as you s●… him a fat knaue with a foggie face wherein a cup of old sack hath set a seale to marke the bowsie drunkard to die of the dropsy so his conscience is consumed and his hart ro●… of all remorse and pitye that for mony he wil betray his owne father for wil a cormorant but fée him to arrest a young Gentleman the rakehel wil be so eager to catch him as a dogge to take a beare by the eares in Parish garden and when he hath laid hold vpō him he vseth him as courteously as a butchers c●…r would do an oxe cheeck when hee is hungry if he see the Gentleman hath mony in his pursse then straight with a cap and knée he carries him to the tauerne and bids him send for some of his friends to bale him but first he coue●…āts to haue some brase of angels for his paines and besides hee calsin for wine as grée●…ily as if the knaues mother had been brocht against a hogshead when hee was begotten but suppose the Gentleman wants pence he wil either haue a pawne or else drige him to the counter without respect of manhood or honesty I should spend the wh●…le day with displaying his villanies therefore breefly let ths suffice hee was neuer made by the consent of God but his 〈◊〉 carkase was framd by the Diuell of the rotten carian of a woolfe and his soule of an 〈◊〉 damned ghost turnd out of hell into his body to do monstrous wickednes again vpon y ● earth so that he shal be none of my iury neither shall hee come nearer mee then the length of my rapier will suffer ●…im In deede quoth Cloth-bréeches generally serieants bee bad but there bee amongst them some honest men that will do their duties with lawfull fauour for to say truth if serieants were not how should men come by their debts marry they are so cruel in their office that if they arrest a poore man they will not suffer him if hee hath no mony to stay a quarter of an houre to talke with his creditor although perhaps at the méeting they might take composition but only to the counter with him vnles he will lay his pe●…vter brasse couerlets sherts or such housholdstuffe to them for pawne of paiment of some coine for their staying therfore let him depart out of the place for his roome is better then his company Well then quoth I what say you to these three and with that I questioned their names the one said hee was a Sumner the other a Gaoler and the third an Infourmer Iesus blesse me quoth Cloth breeches what a Ging was heere gathered together no doubt ●…elis is broke loose and the Diuel meanes to kéep holiday I make challenge against them al as against worse men than those that gaue euidence against Christ for the Sumner it bootes me to say little more against him then Chaucer did in his Canturbury tales who said hee was a knaue a briber a bawd but leauing that authority although it bee authenticall yet thus much I can say of my selfe that these drunken drosy sonnes go a tooting abroad as they themselues term it which is to heare if any man hath got his maid with child or plaies the good felow with his