them no further than he sees them and when their braines and bellies are full hee lookes they should empty their purses Hee is subiect to many ill words which he as patiently beares as they are like to doe his blowes if they want the Reckoning Hee should bee very wise by the continuall sight of so many seuerall humours and would be so but for the sumigation of the Celler which eleuates his wits and makes them fly so high that they sometimes catch a fall He is alwayes a good fellow and loues a Gentleman for that hee is sometimes one himselfe He drinks the best drinke which breeds the best blood the cause hee commonly loues a Wench for hee is a man of great trading I cannot tell whether his Master serues him or he his Master but I am sure they cannot wel liue asunder Hee is now casting about for some Merchants Credite to set vp for himselfe that his wife may keepe the Barre to attract Custome and he leaue his iourney worke and become as free to her as shee may bee to others 37. A Good Husband IS a man who steeres all his course in a right line and weighes all his actions in an equall ballance a very good Mathematician for hee is alwayes within his Compasse but neuer runs circle so long as to make himselfe giddy Hee cuts out euery thing into a geometricall proportion to his Rule and est◅ nor doth his Sense too much ouer-rule his Reason Hee drinkes onely for thirst and eats only for hunger knowing superfluity to be the heyre of prodigality and liberality the daughter of good husbandry and medium betwixt two extremes He is the sole happinesse of a good wife and the torment o◅ a Waster His children neuer liue to haue cause to curse him nor his feruants to accuse him for their want of wages He seriously viewes the folly of Profusenesse and is inwardly sorry to see the fall of any He is not so niggardly as to grutch himselfe or his friend a good meale but tasts freely though temperately of that God hath lent him and thinkes himselfe no loser by lending a little to the needy His moderate diet giues him longer dayes and his care in his calling frees him frō idlenesse the bait of his greatest enemy for in doing nothing men learne to doe ill He loues not stolne waters though ne're so sweet but is satisfied with the breasts of his owne bedfellow Hee educates his children in a Religious way knowing that Grace cannot want goods And thus hee passeth his pilgrimage with a peacefull Conscience and leaues the world with all good mens applause so that his Name dyes not with his nature His tything in his life time was so true and conscionable that the Parson preacheth his Funeral praise and perhaps giues him gratis his buriall in the Chancell 38. A Constant man IS one who hath limitted his Passions and set certaine bounds to his affections louing still in his course to hold the bridle firme in his hand lest carelesly letting the reines loose hee either stumbles dangerously or fals very foule His actions are solid not phantastike and he is very wary of promising anything that he either thinks or knowes hee cannot performe for hee still casts beyond chance knowing a possibility and seeing a probability before hee passeth his protestation Hee is one that keeps his mind within him the reason why he thinks and speakes both together without any iarre betweene his tongue and his heart His word is as good as his bond and his conscience the best debtor His loue if possible is without lust or iealousie fixed on vertue where it stands firme as a rock Truth hath bound vp his Temp les and discretion hath so knic the knot that hee seldome makes his choyce so bad as to refuse it his word so large as to reuoke it or his time so short as to peece it with delayes at its period Hee must needs bee very patient too else his constancy could not continue for impatiency breaks the fence of hope and stability and lets in despaire and leuity a couple of wilde Cattel that may spoyle a wel growne field The wife that possesseth him is happy for there is sure hold of his word Shee findes him at his appointed howre which debarres her of many fears and she ne're eats her meat cold by staying for his comming Hee hath wealth enough if he hath but this one Vertue for all men beleeue him and dare trust him Time and experience haue wrought him into euery mans good opinion and he stands vnmoued in all his dealings He hates a lyar as a Theefe and is the greatest friend where he once pro◅esseth The world is now growne so wilde that few men are of his minde and fewer women the cause of so many Cuckolds periur'd persons and dying louers 39. A iealous man IS one so strangely and strongly possest with the yellow Iaundis that he thinks all things of yellow colour which mistake proceeds from the defect of the eye not the obiect He is one whose mind is in a continuall labyri◅th the further it goes the further perplexed the more it looks the more tormented and yet sees nothing but by imagination which foolish fancy lyes so heauy in his forehead that he takes it for a horne though it bee but a pimple i' th' flesh Hee consumes himselfe and his wiues reputation both together by his too oftē cause les suspitiō and thinks a kisse tho before him a sufficient cause of diuorce He is the scoffe of his neighbors and the bait that causeth many to nibble in iest that hee might vex in good earnest He commonly dreames of his wife though neuer so broad awake and would keepe her in a Chest but for feare of picking the locke which sets the greater edge to her appetite and the greater madnesse to his misbeleafe His braines are in perpetuall agitation and in his phantasie being a kind of frenzy sees so many loose passages in her and lasciuious embraces by his supposed Corriuals that hee 's starke mad at last with melancholy musing He liues in hell vpon earth and is so besotted that he cannot see when hee is well Hee is so farre gone in his disease that all Physicians haue giuen him ouer knowing there is but one medicine amongst all to cure him of this malady which is to see that really acted which hee so sted fastly supposed which no doubt will shortly bee effected to the full recouery of the Coxcombe and the manifestation of his error in 's forehead an ornament fit for him 40. A desperate man IS one who hath forgot God the world the Diuel his Neighbor and himselfe and runs with precipitation into any danger All his actions are violent and therefore cannot bee permanent He is a man of no faith at all the reason he can apprehend no mercy from his maker but all Iustice. He still goes with Cain's feare about him that euery man will kill him
carle be scraping She is an obiect to many and it 's well if but one light on her She hath already tasted of Mandraks and likes the fruits so well that shee longs to graft more i◅ps vpon that stocke She is now trim'd vp for the next faire where if you can bargaine for her you may ride her home with a twinde thread and then make the best of an ill bargaine 8. A Chambermaid HAth her proper denomination from the Place where s◅e is most conuersant and couchant the Chamber and is the carefull polisher thereof the obsequious pinner of her Lady and the true louer of her Taylor euer since the curious cutting of her last Wastecoate who with his goose hath made such impression in her that her Ladies Closet is thereby impouerisht and her Marmelet melted in his mischieuous mouth The beds and she are a kinde of Relatiues where by reason of her neere alliance and familiarity shee catcheth manya fal to which she is subiect but is seldome hurt by it in regard of their softnesse Shee is the instrumentall cause of her Ladies Curiosity and Pride the originall as also the secret and soft shutter of the Portall when her Lady would be priuate Sowing and starching is her prime occupation and the Close-stoole her greatest slauery Shee is a creature commonly very courteous and may proue an honest woman if she be not puft vp in the place She is the patient endurer of her Ladies peeuishnesse which perhaps may purchase her a paire of old silke stockings which she prouidently layes vp till the next Summer then dernes them for the wedding day Watching and warming of cloathes in a short time wrinckles her and the blossome once blasted the fruit faileth The best shee can acquire is but Master of the Maydes and the worst that can befall her is but footing of Stockings 9. A broken Citizen IS one whose hornes are growne so great that hee is asham'd they should be seene and is therefore glad the Gates a◅e wide enough to giue way to his passage of which he takes his vale for a certaine season to some finister Sanctuary where hee lyes at racke and manger whilest his too credulous Creditors are gnawing their Thumbes By his subtill carriage hee wrought himselfe into their Credit of set purpose shortly to bee out of their company which with acute language hee hath at last accomplisht and now they may go look this Bush-lane needle in a bottle of hay Hee absents himselfe so cunningly that they shal not so much as heare of him till they haue spent their galls and then by degrees he giues way to their inquiry with a letter from Ireland or some place farre remote whilest though disguis'd hee is at the next Tauerne to them obseruing how like so many Kites they lay wayt for the Chicken in the Wood-pile Hee hath beene a man of a large tongue short haire which two haue beene great helpes to his game Hee is a man now so well lyn'd with the coyne acquired by his former impostures that hee is in a quandary whether to giue them a desired Composition of twelue pence i' th pound or to abiure the City for euer His Conscience as false as the light he once deceiu'd by tells him they that lost it may spare it and hee that winnes ought may weare it whilst hee spends it worse than hee got it and must certainly pay for it he knowes not how soone Hee now discouers the secrets of silly Tradesmen and l◅ughs at his sleight in his higher Spheare Hee hath now admitted himselfe amongst the multitude of Man-slayers and feeds them for feare and his owne folly for fashion Milford lane and Ram-alley are his Castles Ca◅heerd Captaines his companions Souldiers his ◅onductors and Serjeants and Bayliff◅ his perpetuall dreame and Terror and in that little ease I 'll leaue him till hee hath spent that he hath stolne and then his last Refuge is Ludgate where his doleful voyce giues more delight than pitty to his repining Creditors 10. An old Bawd IS a menstruous beast engendred of diuers most filthy excrements by the stench of whose breath the Ayre is so infected that her presence is an ineuitable contagion her eyes more poysonous than the Basilisk her nose if any most pestilently pocky her tongue more subtile than the Hyena who stil howles in some fained voyce for the deuouring of innocents one who hath damnably destroyed her own soule and is diuelli◅hly deuising the destruction of others Shee is the mother of impudency the Dungeon of diseases the daughter of lust and the most obscene sister of scurrilous and lasciuious delights An excellent Astronomer for by the ratling of her bones shee can discouer the alteration of the weather Fooles haue fatted her vp to the day of slaughter and Knaues are ready to cut her throat for it Marshals Beadles and Constables are her continual terrour whom by much siluer shee perswades to silence silly maids vntam'd youths and sullen wiues are her cheefe marchandizes and she sells sinne on both hands at a high rate Adulterate beauties and counterfeit complexions are her alluring baits to deceiue the simple and all 's fish that comes to net with her All the credite shee hath got by her abomination is carting without cōmiseration casting of loathsome things at her defiled Carkasse Diseases at last dry vp her marrow and ◅rottennesse so shiuers her that shee drops asunder on a sudden and wretchedly dyes without pitty for whom a Christian buriall is too courteous 11. A Pander IS the Spaniel of a Bawd who fetcheth and carrieth at her pleasure and is the most seruile slaue of basenes For halfe a crowne he will be your seruant all day and for the whole cut your throat at night His lookes are commonly silly and dei◅cted but you will finde his heart deceitfull and his actions damnable Hee will fawne vpon those hee feares and roughly misuse those he can master He liues at all distances and postures one while Tapster or Tobacco seller otherwise Strumphusle◅ now brother then Cozen sometimes master of the house yet all this while Rogue Theefe and Pimpe Hee is impudency it selfe for if the officer approcheth he sweareth and forsweareth is the case shall require Hee is much subiect to Kicking and is often basted together with his Bawd He walkes in perpetuall darknesse and is still in danger of the Watch and cannot be otherwise than the abortiue issue of some Adulteresse his nature is so consonant to theirs He is spu'd out of all honest company and fostred with none but fornicators He liues thus till Bridewell hath possest his Bitches and the Pox possest him And then with a meagre countenance and creeping threed-bare Cloke hee creepes from Bawd to Bawd for a crust to comfort his crazy Carkasse and at last in his owne ordure most desperately and distractedly dyes in a ditch a graue already digged for him 12. A Countrey Girle or Darling IS a raw young
and greene maid newly arriued at the Hauen of discretion and yet farre from the Port thereof one that thinkes more than she speaks speaks more than she vnderstands and vnderstands more than shee dares expresse Shee is prankt vp like a Peacocke by her doting Parents and is the precious pearle of her mothers Pride for the Crow thinks his owne bird the fairest and they thinke their Goose a Swan She is a babby trimd vp for euery feast and faire where the Plough-drag salutes her with two kisses two penny-worth of peares and a two-penny red ribbon which hath so rauisht the Girle that shee gads after him with much greedinesse and presently puts finger i' th eye for his absence Shee is very to vardly and tractable the cause that her father so feares his horse-keeper lest hee should steale her and his horse together Shee is one whom no desert can gaine nor Gentry obtaine except he can first plough with that Heiffer and then hee may finde out the Riddle for she is falne in loue with an Acrestaffe and longs to handle it Shee is her fathers hope and her mothers happinesse the Paragon of that Progeny though the coursest in that Countrey If they dare trust her she is sent to bee sold at the next Market together with her Basket of Butter where at the Crosse her â—…impring will scarce giue her leaue to tell the price on 't And thus I leaue her still longing for something that her friends like not and in that onely consists her wisdome that she will please her fancy sooner than her friends 13. A Lawyers Clarke IS a spruce youth somewhat aboue the degree of a Scriuener much conuersant amongst sheets skins Subiects he works vpon much is a kind of a Iugler who by slight of hand will suddenly make a cleanly conueyance of your estate that you shall not afterwards need to study how you may prodigally spend it and he will so contriue it by president that he will make you an example whilest you liue Hee is one who will doe more with a gray Goose wing than euer Robin Hood could doe and is very dangerous if once hee puts his hand too 't Foure pence a sheet hath furnisht him with a new Suit and he somtimes executes the place of a Gentleman-vsher vpon his Mistris Hee is a man generally of no solidity except by his much costiuenes with continuall sitting yet a man of great study insomuch it hath so stupified him that he lookes for his pen when it stickes in 's â—…are Littleton is too obscure for his capacity and not one amongst forty of them can reade Law French He is commonly a good fellow and loues to gaine no more than hee meanes to spend Hee hath a peece of Iudas his office the Carriage of the Bagge which were it full of Peeces as it is of Papers hee might chance to shew his Master a tricke for 't Hee aspiers sometimes to his Masters daughter but being stau'd off there hee choppes vpon the Chambermaid and there stickes fast He hath lookt for preferment till age hath dimm'd his eye-sight and is now endeuouring to goe Clarke of a Band in the next voluntary Voyage which if hee speed the Leagre so belouzeth him that hee returneth with much Humility and poorely prostrates himselfe for a halfe-penny a sheet He is a meere Clarke without any other quality and hath seldome any commendation but hee writes a faire hand 14. A Carle or Farmer Tenant IS a kinde of a Mole perpetually deluing in the Earth for his dinner and is of as great iudgement as Aesops Cocke esteeming his corne more then precious stones He is a fellow of a very great stomacke which his Landlord can quaile sooner then his poore dinner pacifie And is somewhat of the nature of a Hogge looking still downward whâ—…st hee chawes and gathers the Acornes not knowing the Tree whence they fell and seldome looks vp but for a shower He is the wretched Modell of our forefathers misery and that which was Adams curse is his calling Sorrow the sweat of his face and a barren field are his wrackt rents and reuenewes and a griping Landlord his intollerable griefe Yet hee riseth early with the Larke and whistles as hee thinkes to the tune shee sings when his broken notes demonstrate nothing but Musicke for a horse and according to that whistle is his singing of Psalmes the cause of so much discord in the Countrey Quire When hee tils the Earth he tallowes it with his owne grease and endures it the better for the dunging of his ground His haruest is his greatest happines which is more welcome to him then the Sabbath and in reaping time hee wisheth none lest he should loose more in that one day then get in the other sixe for though he acknowledgeth godlinesse to be great gaine yet his greatest is his graine He is the soyle on which all Citizens and Idle folke feede the very drudge and doghorse of the world one that dares not eate the fruit of his labour lest his rent should fall short and he be turn'd forth of his toylesome Vineyard His hands are his lands his pleasures reall paines his Crops carking Cares his food the bread oâ—… sorrow his cloathes the skinnes of his outworne Cattell and taglocks of his trauell his whole life a continuall toyle and his worke an endlesse warfare His greatest comfort is his lawfull Calling and his moyling in the Earth a meanes of his mortification Euery Clodde he turnes ouer is the embâ—…me of his misery And his Colter and â—…hare the emblemes of his Graue the which hee is alwayes digging 15. A double benefic't Parson IS a Master of Arts or Crafts who by fauour and coyne hath caught a degree a yeere too soone and now lyes for all the liuings he can lay hold of Hee hath already rung his Bels for two Parsonages and not sufficiently prefer'd by those is putting in for a Prebend or two to make himselfe more compleat in his Taffeta Tippet and more curious Cassacke Simony and he are Correlatiues and that which hee obtaines by Simony he retaines by Subtilty His Degrees giue him a Doctor tho a very dunce and his deuice is now for the next Deanery to which Musicke money must be the Master of the Organs if hee meanes to sing in that Quire Hee hath two Pulpits and one Sermon which he preacheth at both his Parishes at his primer induction and then a couple of silly Curates read out the rest of his Incumbency for the twentieth part of his Parsonages Hee is one who hath the cure of others soules and yet by his account cares not for his owne and the more 's the pitty is clad with the fleece without feeding the flocke His Pulpets and he are so falne out that they bate one another and 't were no matter if he had falne out of them long agoe His greatest study is how hee may wracke his Tythes to a higher Rate and then feed
Peace where his lookes bewray his learning and hee neuer speakes but to some or no purpose The Fates in Mercy made such for the releefe of younger Mercuries and they make the best liuing and worst vse on 't And thus I leaue him that often leaues many behinde him to the Tyranny of Fortune whilest hee is studying his Pedigree 29. A yong Innes a Court Gentleman IS an Infant newly crept from the Cradle of learning to the Court of liberty from logicke to law both grounded on reason from his Tutor to the Touchstone of wits where he is now admitted amongst the braue imps of the kingdome to grow Pillars of their Countrey Hee is his owne man now and left to the view of faire vertue and foule vice the last of which layes ◅iege to his tender Walls and often makes a shrewd Battery if not quite scales it He is one that for the most part forgets his errand and studies Poetry instead of Perkins His greatest care now is how to carry himselfe according to the dancing Art and holds it a greater disgrace to be Nonsuit with a Lady than Nonplus in the Law He tramples vpon the Termes oft and holds it a base language about which to busie his more high and transcendent thoghts When hee aspires once to be a Reueller he then reueales himselfe to the full and when he should bee mooting in the Hall he is perhaps mounting in the Chamber as if his father had onely sent him to Cut Capers and turne in the Ayre till his braines bee adled and makes things meerely for ornament matters of speciall vse His Recreations and loose expence of time are his only studies as Plaies Dancing Fencing Tauerns Tobacco and Dalliance which if it be with Time is irreuocable and are the alluring baits of ill disposed extrauagants He is roaring when hee should be reading and feasting when he should be fasting for his Friday-night supper doth vsually equalize his weekely Commons and it 's to bee scared he will exceed two meales in the weeke besides with lac't Mutton for whosoe're payes for his Commons hee 'll fall aboord He is a youth very apt to bee wrought vpon at his first entrance and there are Fishers of purpose for such young fry He atchiues much experience before he arriues at the Barre and then if euer begins to study when for his time he should begin to plead Amorous Sonnets warbled to the Vyall are his Coelestiall Harmony and if you put a Case betweene you make a great discord Hee loues sense better than reason and consequently not so fit to make a Lawyer Wherefore I could wish his friends to cause him to retire before hee bee too farre spent and to marry him before he be starke mad or a worse mischeefe if possible befall him 30. A Low-Countrey Common Souldier IS an idle fellow as weary of his owne Country as that is of him and lest hee should be prest some worser Voyage goes voluntary thither to auoyd it One that hath tired al his friends here and is now transported thither to trouble the Boares there where hee is now admitted amongst a multitude of mischieuous fellowes to learne all his postures the first of which is to double his Dutch Canne till his Tongue doubles betweene his teeth and then to fall out till hee bee beaten into a stomacke And when that small quantity of coyne hee carried with him is exhausted hee simply settles himselfe to foure shillings for eight dayes which he pol◅tikely powres down his gullet in a day and then liues by Virginian vapour a weeke after till his stomacke so wambles that hee is forc'd to lumber his vpper garment to supply his guts reseruing still the Embleme of a Souldier his Sword and a Plimmouth cloake otherwise call'd a B◅ttoone By this time hee is well entred and will madly strike vpon the least occasion which his Schoole-fellows perceiuing grow as mild now as heretofore they were malapert and will rather intreat him to drinke away his Choller or belt than force him to the field Hee is now growne to that height of valour that he runs ouer a Dutch Froken or else fals fowle vpon her to the endangering of her firkin of Butter and more solid Cheese with no small effusion of teares from her fatter Ale-tub These with many other postures hee hath atchieued too by Stratagem and thinkes himselfe a Serjeant Maior in these designes As for his Pike Musket he seldome troubles thē except sometimes vpon meere compulsion to fill vp a Company Halfe a yeere hath so qualified him that for want of supply he begges for a furlow and then legs with it till hee arriues at his owne Shore with two hempteere napkins pind together at his shoulders for a shirt or else none at all Thus hauing spent his spirits he pensiuely creepes home with many creepers about him where hauing gathred vp his crums tels such lowd stories of the leagers he lay in and discourses so superficially of the discipline of Warre that hee amazeth some Countrey Traine-Captaine insomuch that hee courteously takes him to the Alehouse and giues him a Colours for 't which he gratefully accepts and vowes hereafter rather to bee hang'd in his owne Countrey than to be abus'd by Belgicke Counterbuffes And though he hath not yet left his swearing yet he hates lying P◅r deiu abominably And hath gaind so much wit there that hee thinkes the name of a Souldier makes a man valiant rather than valour makes him a Souldier which hee hath already forsworne 31. A Gentleman-vsher IS a spruce fellow belonging to a gay Lady whose foot-step in times of Yore his Lady followed for hee went before But now hee is growne so familiar with her that they goe arme in arme the cause sometimes that he slights the Gentlewoman and yet vpon better aduice pleaseth her againe in secret Hee is a man whose goings and standings ought to bee vpright except his Lady be crooked and then t is no matter though hee stoope a little to please her humour His greatest vexation is going vpon sleeuelesse arrands to know whether some Lady slept well last night or how her Physick work'd i' th morning things that sauour not well with him the reason that oft-times hee goes but to the next Tauerne and then very discreetly brings her home a tale of a Tubbe Hee is still forc'd to stand bare which would vrge him to impatience but for the hope of being couered or rather the delight ◅ee takes in shewing his new Crisp't hayre which his Barber hath caus'd to stand like a print hedge in equall proportion He hath one Commendation amongst the rest A neat Caruer and will quaintly administer a Trencher in due season His wages is not much except his quality exceedes but his vailes are great insomuch that he totally possesseth the Gentlewoman and commands the Chambermaid to starch him into the bargaine The smallnesse of his legs bewrayes his profession and feeds much vpon Veale to