COVNSEL TO THE HVSBAND TO THE WIFE Instruction A SHORT AND PITHY TREATISE OF SEuerall and ioynt duties belonging vnto man and wife as counsels to the one and instructions to the other for their more perfect happinesse in this present life and their eternall glorie in the life to come AT LONDON Imprinted by Felix Kyngston for Richard Boyle 1608. TO THE RIGHT WORSHIPFVL AND my very Christian friends Master THOMAS GERVOYSE and his vertuous wife Mistris LVCY GERVOYSE true happinesse in this life and eternall glorie in the life to come be from God the Father through Iesus Christ. MY VVorshipfull deare friends in the Christian dutie which I owe vnto your worshipfull Parents who haue a long time deserued much at mine hands and much more then I can repay as also in the loue J beare to your owne and your beloued yokâ—fellow bethinking with my selfe wherein to shew some token of this loue as it well becommeth and concerneth a thankefull heart and weighing the estate whereunto God hath called you of the marriage band J did light vpon this argument thinking it the fittest for your vse and the easiest for my studie to labour in by reason of mine experience of the euils thereof which as a token of my loue to preuent the euill and to instruct vnto the godly duties and fruits of that Christian and honourable estate J doe humbly present and prefer vnto you not doubting but you will both accept and apply it as shall be most expedient in euery respect And so to a slender worke a short and briefe Dedication may well suffice that the porch of the house be not bigger then the whole building And so I commend it to Gods glorie and my self to your seruice in the Lord Iesus Yours in all Christian duty and seruice Ste. B. Counsell to the Husband To the wife instruction THE whole estate of mans happines may easily bee disposed into the consideration of two times The state of this life present and the glorie of the life to come This life being the first is both the Image to resemble and the foundation wherein to lay or worke that eternall happines Neither is there any estate wherein we may more liuely behold or sensiblie taste and feele any sparckle or iot of the Lord our God his eternall loue to vs then in that vnited estate of man and wife wherein two persons become but one Ephes 5.13 which still are two and mutually owe to otheâ— seuerall dutie A double vnion The vnion whereof as it is vnspeakeable where there is indeede an holy vnion so hath it pleased the Lord not seldome but often in his word and especially in that Song of songs called Salomons Canticles vnder the title of an husband reioycing with his wife to set forth his loue vnto vs what it is in Christ Iesus Whose mutuall kindnes expressed in that song I meane in termes in duties in wanting each other in seeking in sorrowing in finding in inioying in solacing and imbracing in vnwillingnes to leaue and depart each from other may well shew the coniunction to be vnspeakeable betweene man and wife rightly conioyned and yoked equally and bee a liuely paterne of more heauenly things Howbeit I say it is not in all coniunctions that this Image of spiritual happines doth appeare All mariages doe not resemble heauenly happines for in some it beareth rather a type of hellish sorrowes wherein our Sauiour saith shall bee weeping and gnashing of teeth Matth. 25.30 when the iudgement shall bee pronounced vpon the reprobate Goe away yee cursed ones into euerlasting fire Verse 41. Euen so where the match is vnmeete the coniunction vnequall the vnited in bodie disunited in spirit of contrarie affections harts and religions duties vnperformed each crossing other or any of the twaine vnwise that will not bee admonished what are the fruits there but wrath bitternes contention controlling contradiction taking all things in the euill parte ielousie vpbraiding discontentment false dealing secret iuggling conspiring wants without pittying each other toyle without helping each other seeking each one his credit with discredit vnto both with many other as grieuous to be spoken of as any past All which no doubt made Salomon so to speake Prou. 21.9.19 as his Prouerbes doe beare witnes namely that it were better to dwell in the corner of an house top yea in the wildernesse most desolate and solitarie and as another saith with dragons beares or other cruell beasts then with the contentious and froward wife So that as I said this Image of Gods loue and of our eternall and most happie coniunction with Christ he the head and we the members hee the husband and we the wife hee our welbeloued one and we his aswell beloued is not to bee found in euerie coniunction as wofull experience giueth cause of complaint to many but onely in the godly vnited match in the well ordered and gouerned match A necessarie caueat So that how necessarily doth it behooue them that would liue perfectlie happie by inioying the one and auoyding the other to bee instructed in the meanes which leade hereunto that is seeing this happines is in the right ordering of man and wife themselues each towards other and then both in the ioynt gouerning of their familie to know therefore both their seuerall workes and conioyned duties And whereas I called this estate before a foundation wherein to lay the worke of eternall happines I spake not without aduisement for that The Church is the schoole of Gods Kingdome as the Church generally is the schoole of Gods kingdome a place to make men fit before they can enioy his kingdome vnderstanding me of such as come to the state of discretion and iudgement as also the word of God is called the Gospell of this kingdome because that in this life it fitteth men thereunto so is euery mans house rightlie ordered and gouerned by the rules of godlines not vniustly or without cause by the holy Ghost called a Church Rom. 16.5 Reu. 1.6 the Gouernours Kings Priests and Prophets vnto God Kings to rule Priests to offer sacrifice and Prophets to instruct or see instructed The husband first and principally as the head and high Priest the wife in his absence or as vpon iust cause he shall require her She openeth her mouth saith Salomon with wisedome Prou. 30.26 and the Law of grace is in her tongue So likewise did Bathsheba teach her sonne Salomon Prou. 30. See the title therof Lest whereas the Apostle saith The wife shall learne at home of her husband 1. Cor. 14.34 1. Tim. â— 12 she should thinke her selfe absolutely excused or freed of this dutie No by no meanes may shee thinke it Vertuous women must teach in the familie as not being the meanest propertie of the virtuous wife In all which gouernment howsoeuer the Church oftentimes doth want the parts and members of her gouernment by reason wherof God
honor of Headship to alter order and direct as in wisedome hee seeth cause which glorie must still shine in his face as he liueth in his familie and not in hers in his presence he must still be seene to bee the head and husband and shee may not beare it which were most vncomely yea her very shame and dishonour if shee waigh it rightlie Now contrarie to all this one euil sicknes I haue obserued in the experience of my daies An euill obserued amongst men and their wiues to speake according to the phrase of Salomon which I find not the offenders therein carefully to preuent though it be the confusion of mariage happines namely where the husband and the wife are at oddes which of them shall first begin to performe their duty that is A law point betweene man and wife whether the husbands loue bee the foundation of the wiues obedience or the wiues obedience of the husbands loue The wife will say Let mine husband loue me as he should and I will obey him as I ought The busband he saith Let her doe her dutie and I will loue and maintaine her Thus they stand at staues end both of them agreeing in generall that ioynt dutie is to be performed of both but neither at agreement which shall begin Surely as in all duties the Apostles counsell is Rom. 12.10 that in giuing honour one should goe before another that is euery member should striue to giue each other the chiefest honour a note of true loue and singular humilitie so could I wish that it might neuer grow to question of law betweene man and wife whose is the dutie for foundation to begin the worke of household gouernment but for them rather to striue VVhat should be not vvhat is who should bee most carefull of each others good The husband in needfull seruice should not neede to say Good wife helpe me herein I meane in things euident vnto her but the wife should preuent him with Good husband let me doe it for you Neither the wife to say in like case I pray husband doe this for me but hee rather to take care to preuent her desire 1. Cor. 7.23.24 Else what meaneth the Apostle by those words which of this estate hee vttereth The wife careth for the things of the world how she may please her husband And againe The husband careth for the things of this world how hee may please his wife Thus they should not striue vnlesse it were to giue honour as was said and to doe seruice and by loue to preuent each other in that which loue should further one another in to the benefit of the whole and honour of the Lord. And surely where true loue raigneth indeede and not a counterfeit shew of loue or where in faithfull loue either of them are truely carefull of each others good they shall not neede to sue each other at the law for their right or complaine they haue wrong but as Abraham said to Lot Gen. 13.8.9 Let there bee no strife I pray thee betweene thee and me c. But if thou wilt take the left hand then I will goe to the right or if thou wilt goe to the right I will take the left so quietly would they compound nay make no question thereof But if there bee such The remedie of the foresaid euill sicknes as cannot end this controuersie without the Law as no question there bee of both vnreasonable men and women men that will rule like Lamech tyrannouslie and women that will liue contentiouslie to whom the wiues will say If my husband will loue me I will obey him and such men say If my wife will serue me I wil be beneuolent then this I must say A doome against the wife that contendeth The wrong and burthen will light vpon the womans backe By wrong I meane not iniustice but as we say in our prouerbe the wrong end of the staffe will be her parte that is it is in vaine in this case for the wife to striue with the husband which is the weaker with the stronger the horse pardon mee good wiues to vse so base a similitude the horse I say with him that hath the bridle and is able to sit fast Concerning which point if women will bring their case to the Law of Gods word which either must rule them here or else will rule and iudge them most fearefully elsewhere they shall finde Reasons vvhy the husband ought to be superiour and the vvife to obey first 1. Tim. 2.13 first the man to haue the prerogatiue by these circumstances 1. By being called the head she the bodie 2. The man to be first created and so perfect touching creation without her though in regard of fellowship and procreation as the Apostle saith Neither is the man without the woman nor the woman without the man in the Lord and therefore hee saith that the man was not made for the woman but the woman for the man The punishment of Adam and Eue for sinne 3. As the woman being the weaker vessell was deceiued by the diuell and so deceiued man so God calling them both before his iudgement seate arraigned Gen. 3. accused and condemned both of them for their fault and sinne Vers 17. The man for his loosenes of gouernment in obeying his wife was condemned not to lose his gouernment but to labour and paine to trauaile with paine for foode and maintenance The woman besides her peculiar paines ioyned with his generall 1. Tim. 2.15 wherein yet being patient shee serueth God as an excellent instrument and handmaide to store and fulfill his kingdome I say besides these ioynt or peculiar paines as to the principall instrumentall cause of Adams miserie for that she did that which Satan otherwise could not haue done without her the Lord ouer and aboue condemneth her for tribute of all obedience to her husband The vviues tribute to the husband Vers 16. saying Thy desire shall bee subiect to thine husband and hee shall rule ouer thee which words being so plaine and euident need no exposition in the world neither neede I to confirme it with many testimonies which abound in the Scriptures to this effect and purpose The sentence must needes be iust and good vvhen God is the Iudge So that the Lord not man decideth this controuersie and subiecteth the wife both in desire and will vnto her husband telling them who shall begin who shall lay the foundation and how the worke and building shall arise thereon Thus and thus saith God it shall be both desire to haue euen desire of good things and of all things and will or power to doe or vndertake ought both these saith God shall bee subiect to thine husband and hee shall rule ouer thee Hearken now my deere friend here vnto the iudgement of the Lord though I trust I shall haue little cause to speake peculiarlie vnto you yea to auoide offence
hideth the wind and she is as oyle in his right hand that vttereth it selfe The husband must dwell with his wife as a man of vnderstanding 1. Pet. 3.7 that is as one that hath vnderstanding so to gouerne that hee giue not occasion by foolishnes to be despised nor by ouermuch seueritie to be hated or feared That care which before I obserued that the husband and wife should duely marke each others disposition and nature ought especially to begin betimes in theÌ„ For if for want thereof they fall once vnto contention and each by contention to take dislike of other it will grow without great grace in either or both vnto hardnes of heart and then another kind of marking each others nature will ensue Namely not to preuent euill or contention but to deuise euill and contention and so this counsell and remedie come to late Prou. 17.14 Therefore doth Salomon giue this counsell where he compareth the beginning of strife to bee like one that openeth the waters that is maketh a breach into a banke or bay of waters therefore saith he Or euer contention be medled with leaue off Vers 14. If this doe hold in common contentions and of any nature much more in this ciuill and household strife It is wisedome sometimes to seeme guiltie in some cause Great vvisedome to seeme guiltie sometimes for a season vvhere one is guiltles either the wife towards the husband or the husband towards the wife during the time of wrath if it bee once kindled or inflamed and to pacifie rather by intreating then excusing or cleering for which opportunitie of time caÌ„not but afterward be found to cleare and which cannot but be perceiued to bee done by great wisedome A speciall dutie in the husband It is certainelie a great encouraging of the wife where the husband maketh his loue to appeare by sound effects shewing that he regardeth her dutie obserueth her labour pitieth her paines considereth her weakenes and would lighten her yoke and burthen by any meanes he could that he trusteth her and is not lightly or vniustly iealous of her not exacting too narrow an account of her domesticall affaires but as if she were himselfe who is indeede become one with himself his half self or other self eueÌ„ so to be perswaded of her trueth and faithfulnes Prou. 31.29 Many daughters haue done virtuouslie but thou saith Salomon surmountest them all There the husband obserueth the labors trauails night-watchings and early risings of his wife which were spoken of before and lastlie doth crowne and commend them in her The contrarie neglecting of all the poore wiues trauaile taketh away her heart breedeth discontentment maketh weake her hands and for either the wife ouer the husband or the husband ouer the wife to be attainted with that filthy sin of iealousie Beware of causelesse iealousie is the next way to cause either to fall into the sin It is an hard taske to meete with all the inconueniences of the marriage state or to applie preuentions to all the euills that may be feared therein which S. Pauls wordes imported when hauing said such shall haue tribulation in the flesh he added withall but I spare you 1. Cor. 7.28 I spare to relate all the dangers that I could But surely â—he most principall meane to preâ—ent them is the obseruing of the â—rdinance of God and the geneâ—all cause of euill vnto man and wife is as hath bin said the inuerting of the same If the husband rule with loue and the wise obey with cheerefulnes and either of them be contented with their lot portion in each other then must the yoke needs go easie But if the wife will vsurpe and not acknowledge her head king or will not vse the fittest meanes for her rule and libertie or hauing what shee would cannot or will not vse it to her husbands honor thus lay a foundation of contention and strife Gods wisedome is despised it cannot be well Whereupon I doe exhort you both as my most deere friends whom as I daily pray for so would I bee glad to see the fruits of my prayers in the happines of your estate I say I doe exhort you vnto those mutual duties which concerne you both You Mistris Lucie to wise subiection to louing and Christian reuerence to faithfull and dutifull obedience which shall not onely bee your crowne of glorie amongst the godly wise as it was Sarahs commendation by the holy Ghost to be obedient to her husband but if you desire to rule and to be trusted with all your husband hath this is the way and there is no other If you thus say giue me the sword you shall haue both it and all assistance to vse it but if you will striue to wrest it out of your husbands hand you will not only misse your desire but take hurt by striuing Thus your godly subiection shal gaine you more libertie ease honour and lawfull gouernment then all the contention in the world can bring to passe and hate both the name and nature of a contentious wife remember shee is as an incureable dropping and intollerable Besides to rule a familie with the husbands assignement is a great honour to the wife but to beare sway against his will and fauour no greater shame Such wiues are scoffed at as their husbands masters such husbands esteemed but vnwise and foolish And you Master Geruoyse as my deere friend I counsell vnto the vnderstanding of a man of wisedome 1. Pet. 3.7 Know your wife to be a vessell therefore necessarie I wil not say as one saith a necessarie euill for I trust shee shall bee that virtuous wife that shall doe her husband good and not euill al the daies of her life but I doubt not to say a necessarie vessell for fruit vnto Gods glorie a vessell when you are full of sorrowes to helpe beare them and ease you A vessel to containe your counsels and instructions Iudg. 14.18 not to be ploughed with by any aduersarie but as a faithfull bulwarke against all aduersaries Yet being withall the weaker vessell shee must bee tendered accordingly Our most pretious vessels whether glasse or gold are commonly the weakest by reason either of nature or workemanship those we most precisely order not roughly or carelessely To a virtuous woman there is no vessell no iewell comparable count her therefore the cheefest vessell in your house that must containe your selfe and all your treasures Her price Prou. 31.10 saith Salomon is aboue the pearles shew not your rough and manlike courage like Lamech to your wife but to your enemie You are both but one therefore be both but as one Looke not so much what is required of her as what is due to her from your selfe Gen. 20.16 You are the couering of her eies which must defend her not oppresse her She is of godly wise and worshipfull stocke and parentage her yeeres haue been seasoned hitherto with the salt of godly education and therefore the fitter for your wisedome to worke vpon make you the worke perfect and you shall haue both the honour and the comfort of the worke To bee briefe what is wanting in her yeeres being considered that may derogate from the title of a virtuous wife this I speake to you not to her â—ishing my words to be esteemed as farre from flattery as mine heart is from hypocrisie in that I speake You are both in the fittest time to begin an happie estate lay therefore the foundation according to Gods holie word and the building shall bee glorious Let that be the rule of both your duties and know that God is most wise in directing both your states Thus whiles you both regard the duties of your seuerall places ioyntly towards the Lord first then mutually towards one another how easie will the burthen of your familie and callings be vnto you the equal draught maketh yâ— burâ—hen light What an example will 〈◊〉 be to seruants to children to â—eighbours to friends yea to all â—en to be followed commenâ—ed So that Matth. 6.33 you first seeke the â—ingdom of heauen and the righâ—eousnes therof the glorie of your God in a religious profession of â—is name all other things as wisâ—ome vnderstanding riches and â—rue pleasures shall bee cast vpon â—ou You shall be most happie first 〈◊〉 this present life more happie â—boue happines in the life to come Which is the scope of this my â—ender labour and dutie vnto you â—oth slender I call it for so it is â—nd my dutie I doe acknowledge 〈◊〉 for diuers causes which I will â—miâ— I professe euer plainenes and â—ruth not eloqueÌ„ce or deep knowâ—dâ—ge in any of my writings And â—o I commend you both to the beâ—efit of all instruction and al vnto Gods glory in Iesus Christ Amen FINIS
the description of a virtuous wife Giue her the fruit of her hands and let her owne workes praise her in the gates Hauing before so notablie set forth the qualities of a virtuous wife First of her grace and obedient faithfulnes shee will doe him good saith Salomon though I know the wordes of his mother Bathsheba and not euill all the daies of her life Vers 12. no meruaile though hee said Vers 10. her price was aboue the pearles marke yee wiues the patterne of a wife and yee husbands that are to choose learne yee to choose a wife she will doe him good good shall be the obiect and subiect of her labour so you will say will many A perfect good but saith hee she will doe him good and not euill that is good without intermixing it with euill good whollie good absolutely good and no euill with it to distaine or corrupt it Michol did some good when shee conuaied away Dauid 1. Sam. 19.12 when the house was beset and his life in hazard 2. Sam. 6.20 but how ill beseeming was her euill scoffing at him when his zeale in Gods cause did abound and shew it selfe Manie there are that will doe good vnto their husbands Many causes why women may doe good vnto their husbands and yet misse the right cause for diuers causes nature will enforce selfe vnitie and ioynt partaking in condition constraine desert procure and euince and many others But to doe such good so soundely so carefully and that all the life long as shall be voide of euill how rare is such a wife Surely in comparison of the multitude of contraries whereof some will doe but little good for much euill and some all euill and no good such as Salomon describeth in his Prouerbs Prou. 12.4 which by dishonouring of her husband becommeth corruption to his bones I say in comparison of the multitude of such vngodly and foolish wiues which neither doe good to their husbands nor to theÌ„selues such virtuous ones may be said to be rare scarce yet otherwise I could point vnto some virtuous paternes by coniunction neere vnto you and the taste whereof if nature diuerte not or grace rather faile not you may finde in due time in whom shall shine a gratious measure of this heauenly virtue But if by description of qualitie you would haue mee rather speake and for modesty to insist asking me where she is or who may be found to be such a wife I will make this answere she that indeuoureth as in that aforesaid description Salomon purtayeth it she that laboureth in her place for her husbands quiet for his health for his credit for his wealth for his happines in his estate more then for her selfe and counteth his in all those respects her owne this is shee that doth her husband good The wiues will and desire to do her husband good and not euill is her perfection and not euil if withall she abide herein all the daies of her life It is indeede the will indeuour and faithfull practise that is this perfection for other in any of our duties either towards God or man cannot be attained vnto which here is spoken of whereunto whosoeuer shee bee that indeauoureth is that virtuous wife Which point to returne again being positiuely as a foundation set downe by Salomon he formeth the rest her labour how painefull her skill how excellent her wisedom how incomparable her religion how sincere She openeth her mouth with wisedome Vers 26. and the Law of grace is in her tongue She ouerseeth the way of her household Loe her gouernment eateth not the bread of Idlenes her children rise vp Vers 28. Vers 29. and call her blessed her husband also shall praise her saying many daughters haue done virtuouslie but thou surmountest them all c. So that it was not for nought that before I said it might be a glorious spectacle to see the wife sustaine the househould gouernment and to manage the affaires pertaining thereunto Where I meant not euery wife the foolish and vnprofitable wife the corruption of her husbands bones and dishonour of his life Iudg. 14.18 which becommeth an heifer for his aduersaries and the vile to plough withall but as I said with respect of these cautions 1. That the wife be fit for the gouernment she vndertaketh 2. Being neuer so fit with the consent and refereÌ„ce of her husbands wil taking all her light as the Moone is said from the Sunne so she from her husband for gouernment and authoritie The wife the husbands lieutenant as his Lieutenant vnder him and so wisely disposing all to his honour accordinglie In such a case The wife gouerning well becommeth an honour vnto the husband how great an honour is the wiues godly gouernment vnto the husband whiles hee as king to command yet with loue as an husband shall goe in and out in the middest of his familie not fearing spoyle whether he be at home or abroade nor needing vnlawfull spoyles to maintaine his state As also how honourable a seruice is it in the wife to depend vpon his becke to aduise with her head to leane vpon his brest and yet to haue the authoritie to doe what she will that is whilest her will is honest lawfull and to her husbands good as hath been spoken of Can this be counted slauerie or seruill subiection must there not be in some subiection Can al in a nation bee kings Can all in a family bee fathers can all be wiues can all bee euery thing If the whole bodie saith the Apostle were an â—ie 1. Cor. 12.17 where were the hearing or if all were the eare where were the smelling If therfore in a kingdom or familie there must of necessitie be these degrees and that wee see men so subiect to Princes that they contentedly delight therein and neither couÌ„t it slauishnes nor affect aboue their state though some wicked doe otherwise should not the wife look vnto the hand of God The vvife must consider that it is God vvho hath assigned her vnto her subiection which made her the wife and not the husband the weaker vessell and not the stronger the bodie and not the head to obey and not to rule that is not to rule without obedience To grudge hereat is not against the husband but against God withall to gouerne otherwise is not to rule but to vsurpe Therefore the Apostle said not the wife shal not rule but he said 1. Tim. 2.12 I permit not a woman to teach nor to vsurpe authoritie ouer the man That is as vnder correction I take it without the husbandes consent will and approbation neither constrained by her shrewdnes but referred for cause voluntarilie to exercise the rule and gouernmeÌ„t of the family And this is that I said or meant before which communicablie the husband may not dispose to the wife though he translate the gouernment of things namely the