Selected quad for the lemma: cause_n
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A23632
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A narrative of God's gracious dealings with that choice Christian Mrs. Hannah Allen (afterwards married to Mr. Hatt,) reciting the great advantages the devil made of her deep melancholy, and the triumphant victories, rich and sovereign graces, God gave her over all his stratagems and devices.
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Allen, Hannah.
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1683
(1683)
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Wing A1025; ESTC R41221
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20,554
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91
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Questions whether the truth of Grace could consist with such sins for then I began to fear I was an Hypocrite and that place I thought upon with much dread in Job viii 13. The Hypocrites hope shall perish nor had I any ease longer than I was thus discoursing with him for though he often silenced my Objections and I seemed for the present to be much satisfied yet he was no sooner gone from me but my troubles returned afresh insomuch that his Wife would often send for him home when he was but gone into the Fields While I was there the Devil would suggest something to this purpose to me That when I was gone from him he would torment me After some stay there I returned home again where quickly I began to grow into deep Despair It was my custom for several years before to write in a Book I kept for that purpose in Short-Hand the Promises together with my Temptations and other afflictions and my experiences how God delivered me out of them mixing therewith Prayer and Praises which practice I continued till I was overwhelmed with despair some few passages whereof are here inserted as they were written in my deep distress This Book in my Affliction I would oft say would rise up in Judgment against me As I was walking with my Cousin Mrs. Shorthose a Woman cursed and sware sadly Ah Cousin said I I have abhorred such Company all my Life therefore I hope they shall not be my Companions to Eternity This being the 20th Feb. 63. is a time of great trouble and bitter Melancholy and one great cause is for want of the light of God's Countenance and for fear that if I should have any mercy shewed me I should abuse it and my wretchedly deceitful heart be drawn aside from God for I am only fit for the School of Affliction and on the other hand if God should send some further trials I should sink under them and my Life be made a burthen to me But Lord sure this is the voice of my wretched unbelieving heart The Lord for Christ's sake fit me for what ever thou wilt do with me that I may have power again Sin and Satan and enjoy the light of thy Countenance and then do with me what thou wilt Oh that I might prevail with my Lord for Christ's sake for graces suitable to every condition and that I may be able to improve every mercy and every affliction to thy glory and the comfort of my poor Soul and that I may be useful in my Generation and not be burthensom Lord pity my state for Christ's sake who hath never left me in my trials The sixth of April 64. The truth is I know not well what to say for as yet I am under sad Melancholy and sometimes dreadful Temptations to have hard thoughts of my dearest Lord The least assenting to which by his grace I dread more than Hell it self Temptations to impatience and despair and to give up all for lost and to close with the Devil and forsake my God which the Almighty for Christ's sake forbid These Temptations were with dreadful violence Besides my Melancholy hath bad effects upon my body greatly impairing my Health Truly there is sometimes such a woful confusion and combating in my Soul that I know not what to do And now my earnest Prayer to my Lord is this which I trust for Christ's sake he will not deny me though I cannot beg it with such earnest affections as I should yet I hope my heart is sincere that for my sweet Redeemer's sake he would preserve me from Sin and give me strength of Faith and Self-denial and patience to wait upon him and submit to him and let him do with me what he pleaseth My God I know thou hast for ever adored be thy Majesty appeared for me in many great and sore straits for the Lord Jesus sake now appear in mercy for me that I may have exceeding cause to bless thee for this thy mercy also and give me an assurance that thou art mine and that thou wilt never leave me till thou hast brought me to thy Self in glory The 12th of May 64. Still my time of great distress and sore trials continues sometimes the Devil tempts me wofully to hard and strange thoughts of my dear Lord which through his mercy I dread and abhor the assenting to more than Hell it self in a word every day at present seems a great burthen to me My earnest Prayer is For the Lords sake that if it be thy holy will I might not perish in this great affliction which hath been of so long continuance and is so great still notwithstanding means used however for the Lords sake let it be Sanctified to my eternal good and give me grace suitable to my condition and strength to bear my burthen and then do with me what thou wilt I know not what to say the Lord pity me in every respect and appear for me in these my great straits both of Soul and Body I know not what to do I shall be undone This I write to see what God will do with me whether ever he will deliver me out of such a distress as this that I may have cause to praise and adore his name in the Land of the Living Lord comfort me and support me and revive me for Christ's sake May 26th 64. I desire which the Lord help me to do exceedingly to bless and praise thy Majesty that hath yet in some measure supported me under these dreadful trials and temptations which do yet continue and have been woful upon me for almost four Months together For Christ's sake pity my case or else I know not what to do and do not deny me strength to bear up under my burthen and for the Lord's sake grant whatever thou dost with me that one Sin may not be in me unrepented of or unmortified Do with me what thou wilt as to the Creature so thou wilt subdue my sins and chain up Sathan and smile upon my Soul Lord I know not what to do only mine Eyes are up to thee the Devil still keeps me under dreadful bondage and in sad distress and wo but blessed be my God that he doth not lay upon me all afflictions at once that my Child is so well and that I have so many other mercies which the Lord open my Eyes to see especially that Christ is mine for the Lord's sake and then I have enough After this I writ no more but this and much more I writ before my last Journey aforesaid for by that time I came back I soon after fell into deep Despair and my language and condition grew sadder than before Now little to be heard from me but lamenting my woful state in very sad and dreadful Expressions As that I was undone for ever that I was worse than Cain or Judas that now the Devil had overcome me irrecoverably that this was what he had been aiming at all along Oh
aim was to make away my self just before the time came for I thought I had better go to Hell sooner than hear the Word still and thereby encrease my Torment and heap up wrath against the Day of wrath as I often exprest it I would sometimes say to my Cousin Walker will you not pity me that must as sure as that there is a God for ever burn in Hell I must Confess I am not to be pitied for did you know me you would abhor me and say Hell was too good for me yet however pity me as I am your fellow-Creature and once thought my self not only a Woman but a Christian and tho' I was such a dreadful wretch as now it appears yet I did not know it I verily thought my self in a good condition and when you see me come to my horrible End which I am sure will be ere long tho' you must loath me yet I say pity me Yes he would say if I thought it was true I would pity you but I do not believe it I used to say God could not save me and the reason I gave was that God could not deny himself I found within my self as I apprehended a scorning and jeering at Religion and them that profest it and a despising of 'em when I came to the heighth of my distemper the strugling and fighting that was in me continually at first while I combated with Satan left me When I complained how vile I was my Friends would tell me It was not I but the Devils Temptations I would Answer No it is from my self I am the Devil now the Devil hath now done his work he hath done tempting of me he hath utterly overcome me Then why are you so troubled would some say I would Answer Have I not cause to be troubled think you that am assuredly given up to the Devil and Eternally Damn'd I would write in several places on the walls with the point of my Sizers Woe Woe Woe and alass to all Eternity I am undone undone for ever so as never any was before me Upon some sudden occasion I would sometimes smile but when I did I would exceedingly check my self and be the more troubled afterwards Mr. Walker endeavoured to get Mr. Baxter to come to me but he still missed of him when he came to Town No said I God will not let Mr. Baxter come to such a Wretch as I am but I had then a secret desire to see him rather than any one else And to my best remembrance my Cousin Walker told me that he asked me if I would believe better of my self if Mr. Baxter told me my condition was safe and that I answered Yes When another Christian Friend Mr. Mason brought me acquainted with any of Gods People I would say Alass Mr. Mason you 'l dearly repent this and how must I Curse you in Hell for all that you did in kindness to me What is here writ of Mr. Blake and Mr. Mason is but to hint what may be said of my Carriage towards them The next Spring which was in May 1665. My Aunt Wilson came up to London being restless in her mind till she saw me when I heard that my Aunt was come to High-Gate to her Brother's House and did not come to London till Monday I often said I hoped to have seen my Aunt before I dyed but now I shall not this fire within me will kindle and burn me before Monday on Monday my Aunt came I being taken with the first sight of her went with her to dinner to a Friends house in the Old-Jury Mr. Hatt's House who afterwards Married her but was at my old Language still every Day That the Fire would kindle within me and burn me the Sickness then encreasing my Aunt resolved to take me down again into the Countrey which I was very glad of for there I thought I should live more privately and be less disturbed for so I accounted of the kind visits of Friends A week before Midsummer we set forward toward Darby-Shire and an uncomfortable Journey we had for by the way I would not eat sufficient to support Nature when I was come to Snelstone again I was where I would be for there I could do what I pleased with little opposition there I shunned all Company tho' they were my near Relations nor could I endure to be present at Prayer or any other part of Gods Worship nor to hear the sound of reading nor the sight of a Book or Paper tho' it were but a Letter or an Almanack The Lady Baker was pleased to write me several Letters which I would not so much as look on nor hear read by others one being brought me and I prest much to receive it tore it in pieces Nay I would strike the Horn-book out of my Childs hand but that would trouble me as soon as I had done it I would wish I had never seen Book or learned letter I would say it had been happy for me if I had been born blind daily repeating my accustomed Language that I was a Cursed Reprobate and the Monster of the Creation One Sabbath-day being disturbed about some small trifle I fell into violent passion weeping even to roaring and cry'd out I was made to be damn'd God made me to that very end to shew the power of his Justice more in me than in any other Creature My Aunt sometimes would tell me that my expressions were so dreadful she knew not how to bear them I would answer roundly but what must I do then that must feel them I would often say to my Aunt Oh you little know what a dismal dark condition I am in Methinks I am as dark as Hell it self my Aunt would say Cousin would you but believe you were melancholy it might be a great means to bring you out of this Condition Melancholy would I say I have Cause to be Melancholy that am as assuredly Damn'd as that there is a God and no more hopes of me than of the Devils I have more Cause to be Melancholy than they have it 's a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the Living God Heb. x. vers 31. My Aunt would persuade me to seek God in the use of means from that Argument of the resolution of the four Lepers in the 2 King vii 4. I would Answer with scorn I have heard that often enough One fit my humour was such that when Friends would have argued with me about my condition I would not speak but only give them some short scornful Answer and no more but I would be sometimes in one temper and sometimes in another my Aunt would take the advantage of my best humour to talk with me then and the main thing she designed in most of her Arguments with me was to convince me of the fallacy and delusion that was in my Opinion That it was so infallibly revealed to me that I was Damn'd but alass all took no place with me but