very full confession and behave your selves with very great submission or they will never pardon the offence you have done them But if they have wronged others they are hardly brought to confess that they have wronged them and more hardly brought to be so humble as to desire a reconciliation Thus it is with angry persons while anger lasteth no persuading them to pass by a wrong but if ever they do forgive it must be upon the humblest submission that may be but never acknowledge any wrong that they do Whatever abuse they do offer to another is justified as well done Such do think that they can do nothing amis and thus you see how pride passion and frowardness do go together that a contentious person is a proud person and cannot put up injuries and foul words He that is of a proud spirit stirreth up strife Prov. 28.25 What is peoples wrath what are their scorns their railings and endeavouring to vilifie those that have offended them but the some and vomit of their Pride It is so contentious a sin that it makes Men and Women firebrands in the Societies where they live There is no quiet living with them longer than they have their own saying will and way They must bear the sway and not be crossed and when all is done there is no pleasing them for the missing of a word or a look or a complement will catch on their hearts and raise their fury As a little spark on Gunpowder will make it flame so the least conceit of a disrespect offered doth disturb their peace break their sleep and cast them into a Feaver of passion There are seldom any hot contests between Husband and Wife but Pride doth occasion them All the passionate angry irreverent insulting and insolent carriages of a Wife to an Husband are from the pride of her heart and hence it is that Pride makes Men and Women angry Pride makes them think themselves superiour in worth and goodness to any so they think that they are too high to have their wills crossed by any and say Shall I bear such a thing from thee poor pitiful Creature And then proud persons think themselves so good as they can never deserve any cross from another and that whatever they do deserves not contradiction at all whereas they are ready to make mis-interpretations of any thing that another doth but think that they can justifie every thing that they do So that whatever is done by another that sutes not with their proud humour puts them into a fiery passion presently for proud spirits make their wills to be the rule of their actions and they would have it to be a rule of all other mens actions too and such when their wills are opposed cannot but be froward and highly displeased Also proud persons think nothing too mean for others to do and so would fain put their Equals yea their Superiours to do such things as they scorn to touch and if they be not complied with presently they are in a flame of passion and are froward and contentious presently and thus you see how Pride doth bring forth anger frowardness and contention IV. Foolish niceness breedeth choler for if you come into the house of one who is nice and curious you shall easily perceive how soon she is incited to great anger upon a little cause I instance in the Female Sex because they are more influenced by niceness and curiosity than men and therefore by it they are mostly provoked to fretting discontent If the decking and adorning ordering and cleansing of their house be not fully answerable to their minds if a spot or wrincle be upon their Garments they are inrag'd with anger that the house will scarce hold them or at least not contain their clamorous voices Those curious folks are not only offended with injuries but also with shadows and appearances Such can carp at Gestures of the Body that they do not like and fret at the words of their Husbands because they do not think them respectful enough to them They judge their language rustick and their carriages clownish so are in no way genteel enough to please their humours and upon this account fall into such a rage of passion as if they had received some mortal wound They are so prying and quick-sighted that they will espy some things amiss by which they will alarm the whole Family and break their Husbands and their own Peace If a failing be ever so little they cannot overlook it and be more enraged that some small Family-concern is neglected then that their Family-worship is omitted whereby they can strain at Gnats and swallow Camels Mat. 23.24 They can storm at small offences committed against themselves and take no notice of great wrongs done to God Whereas others who have not their minds effeminated with this nice curiosity can easily pass over such trifling imperfections and repel anger in far more violent assaults So that a Wifes niceness in finding great fault with every frivolous matter doth occasion much jarring and hot contests betwixt her self and Husband whereby a small spark of distast doth kindle a flame of a violent passions V. Lightness in believing what comes to the ear and listning to tale-bearers doth raise Discord and Strife between Husband and Wife Prov. 26.20 Without wood the fire is quenched and without a tale-bearer strife ceaseth So that as wood is the fires fit nourishment so is a tale-bearer fit to beget and nourish anger between Husband and Wife yea a tale-bearer doth raise contention so high as to make a Separation between Husband and Wife as Solomon saith A whisperer separateth chief friends When an Husband or Wife gives a credulous ear to the lying suggestions of a pickthank tale-bearer they will be incens'd to such rageing anger that a great matter will not be sufficient to quench the heat thereof There have been manifold experiences of great evils which have followed credulity and listning after tale-bearers David giving ear to the false report of Ziba was moved to unjust anger against innocent Mephibesheth There is no greater firebrand in the world than a tale-bearer One Neighbour comes to a Wife and saith Your Husband was at such a place spent so much money there spake such and such words there did such and such actions there The Wife presently believes it and is in a rage presently Some Servants will tell their Mistress My Master did thus and thus and said so and so of you Credit is presently given to the information and the flame of passion is presently kindled though if the matter were rightly enquired into the information would prove false Some Wives will search and enquire after matter to feed their passions and enquire of their Servants What is your Master doing what did he say of such a business and if they be informed that he said or did any thing cross to their humours or contrary to their approbations their Spirits are hot presently and you may
Apostle prescribeth humility as an Antidote against strife and contention and a sovereign mean for attaining unto and entertaining of union and peace But where pride is predominant men and women walk so as that they care not to give content to any body but themselves in the Family they must have all the content and no body else be pleased Certainly an humble Spirit is much freer from angry passions than any other because as an humble person is not willing to give offence to any so is not ready to take offence from others for it is pride of spirit to be ready to take offence from others upon every trifle and by this means persons prove to be very burdensom to others The ground of a proud persons taking offence is this because they think that every body must say as they say and do as they do else they cry out that they are always opposed and because they think their own judgments best and such a thing is better therefore others must do it and if they do not then they are lofty then they are proud and stout and break out into unseemly speeches be inflamed with passion evidencing that they are under the tyranny of their pride So that there is no preventing of anger contention between Husband Wife without the mortification of their Pride 4. Another direction to prevent siâ—ful anger and hot contests between Husband and Wife is that thou dost consider that God is merciful and gracious slow to anger and abundant in kindness Exod. 34.6 And as he is not easily provoked to anger so being provoked his anger lasteth not long for he will not always chide nor keep his anger for ever Psal 103. 8 9. The Lord with much lenity suffereth the vessels ordained to destruction how long did he suffer the old world how loath was he to strikeâ— if in and hundred twenty years he could have reclaimed them he would have forborn them 1 Pet. 3.20 The measure of his grace and mercy towards us is daily boundless and exceeding all measure He forgiveth us every moment much more than we can possibly be wronged of men yea he forgiveth that person that injureth us much more than we can forgive him O then if thou wilt evidence thy self to be a Child of God must thou not labour to express his Virtues This is that the Apostle exhorts Col. 3.12 13. Put on therefore as the elect of God holy and beloved bowels of mercy kindness humbleness of mind meekness long-suffering forbearing one another If any man have a quarrel against any even as Christ forgave you even so do ye He recommendeth the practice of meekness and long-suffering which consists in bearing with and pardoning of even real injuries done by others and persuadeth to it from Christs example in pardoning us The example of God and Christ is a most convincing pattern for exciting us to pardon and forgive on another if we consider either the greatness of those wrongs which he pardoneth Isa 1.18 or our baseness who do injure him Isa 40.17 22. or his omnipotency to right himself of the wrongs done unto him Mat. 10.28 Dost thou O Husband or O Wife stand in need of forgiveness and wilt thou not forgive thy Husband or thy Wife shall God forgive thee infinite sins and wilt thou not pass by one offence dost thâ—n stand in deed of a sea of mercy for the washing away thy many foul offences and wilt thou not let one drop fall upon thy Husband or thy Wife to forbear or forgive in trifling wrongs Certainly if Husbands and Wives would but seriously consider these things it would make all quarrellings and contentions between them to cease O what little cause hast thou then to manifest a furious spirit against thy Husband or thy Wife for every trifle seeing God doth not deal furiously with thee for great offences O that these considerations might prevent Husbands and Wives raging against and falling out one with another for the time to come 5. If thou would'st keep thy spirit quiet and free from furious passions when any thing is done by thy Husband or thy Wife that is contrary to thy mind and doth much displease look up to the hand of God and acknowledge the Providence of God without which not the least grief or injury could befall thee for even the least is a portion of that Cup which the hand of God reacheth out to thee to drink of Job looked not at the Sabeans and Thieves that took away his Goods but at the hand of God The Lord hath taken away blessed be his name Job 1.21 22. He was satisfied that God willed that in righteousness and justice which they acted with so much cruelty and injustice David's looking up to God when Shimei cursed him quieted his spirit and restrained his anger So in Psal 39.9 I was dumb and opened not my mouth O Lord because thou didst it He doth neither manifest forwardness nor discontent because he took notice of the hand of God Joseph did not vent his passion against his Bretheren for selling him to the Ishmeelites but kept himself in a calm frame of spirit by considering this it was God that sent me hither A godly man cannot be angry at the doing or speaking of that which pleaseth God to order the speaking or doing of because he knows he is bound to submit to the will of God And thy only observing of the person that doth in any way displease thee and not considering that God hath an hand in all things that befall thee is the cause that thou art so often transported with furious passions An observation that God hath an hand in all things that befall thee is as water to quench the inflamation of thy angry passions This persuasion That God seeth cause for all the wrongs that thou dost suffer is many ways forceable to move thee unto patience For 1. If thou dost look to the hand of God in those things that distast thee it will constrain thee to confess that all thy chastisements are just far less than thy sins have deserved for indeed all the opposition that thou hast from thy Husband or thy Wife is in some measure a rebuke of God against some miscarriage of thine And God in permitting thee to be exercised with such things as do very much distast thy spirit doth do thee no wrong because 't is not commensurate to the merit of thy sin For indeed such crosses and provocations as thou dost meet with from thy Husband or thy Wife are but light to a gracious heart and if not so light to thee as to others yet but momentory but thy sins have deserved infinite and eternal punishments If therefore the Lord use those earthly rods to correct thy sins thou should'st rather admire his mercy than be angry at so gentle chastisements If thou didst but consider that the hand of God is in every thing whereby thy Husband or thy Wife displeaseth thee thou would'st
evil of the ways of God because of their disorderly carriages Therefore I have endeavoured in the ensuing Discourse to shew the causes whence usually Wrath and Discord doth arise between them and have shewn which of them is most faulty when Wrath and discord happens Also I have opened the evil of Wrath and Discord between such near Relations and have laid down some Rules and Directions how they may prevent it for the time to come and divers motives to perswade them to use those Directions Indeed it hath very much troubled me to observe the hot contests that have been between such relations about very trifles how some will be offended and cannot tell wherefore They have been of such cholerick constitutions that they have enquired after occasions to feed their anger Alas how much are such carriages unbecoming the Gospel how much do such persons dishonour God and prejudice their own Souls The consideration thereof hath put me upon using my weak endeavours to gather such means out of the Word of God as may prevent their continuance in such disorderly carriages that they may not any longer drink the Waters of Meriba that is of Strife their common drink lest they find them prove Waters of Mara that is Waters of Bitterness at last I shall pray them to suspend their passions so long as seriously to consider what I have written that what they find agreeable to Gods Word they would endeavour faithfully to observe AN ANTIDOTE AGAINST DISCORD BETWEEN MAN and WIFE I. Whence is it that Wrath and Discord between Husband and Wife doth arise 1. ANger and Contention between Husband and Wife doth arise from a prevailing principle of flesh in the heart a fleshly mind produceth much strife and violent passionate disturbances 1 Cor. 3.3 For ye are yet carnal for whereas there is among you envying and strife and divisions are ye not carnal and walk as men The meaning is the flesh prevails in them more than the spirit the remainders of old Adam are very strong in them that party that is touchy and takes distast at every trifle doth evidence that much unmortified corruption remains in that heart and I say when distast is taken at that which is not positive sin then distast is taken at a trifle Now when corruption prevails in the heart it will break forth and blister upon the tongue 't is because a person is rotten in heart that he is rotten in language as in Mat. 12.34 you may smell the filth of some mens hearts by their breath and it is from this root from this ground that some persons are all for strife and debate hereby strife is the very element wherein they live and they live and love to live in troubl'd waters yea also in the fire of trouble they are persons of contentions If their fleshly principle was not so prevalent their passions would not be so violent and it is sad when the strongest bent of some people are for strife that they can discover the boisterousness of their spirits upon every frivolous occasion and certain it is that either Husband or Wife that is soonest angry with the other is most carnal for anger wrath variance strife contentions and hatred are fruits of the flesh and they are seldom separated Gal. 5.20 So that a persisting in this disorder is a contrivance to fulfil the inordinate motions of inbred corruption Now passion and contention is usually accompanied with carnal emulations litigious strivings for trifling matters enmity variance a muttering of disgraceful and opprobrious words These usually go together and raise a tempest of wrath and by that violent commotion the person is transform'd into a very beast and these must needs be the fruits of the flesh because they are directly opposite to the fruits of the spirit which are love peace long-suffering gentleness goodness meekness c. and those that bring forth the fruits of the spirit are able to moderate their anger and can patiently bear and forgive even many real injuries and will not be provoked but for such just causes and not more or longer than the word of God allows So that it is evident that one ground of Wrath and Discord between such near Relations as Husband and Wife is the prevailing of a fleshly principle in the party that is more passionate 2. Self-love is a cause of Wrath and Discord between Husband and Wife whereby the one party so inordinately loves it self that it hath no true conjugal love for the other that he or she never thinks of the injuries and indignities which he or she offers to the other or else will suppose them to be none or else lightly esteem of them as not worthy the recital on th' other side makes the party guilty of this self love or defect of conjugal love heinously to agravate the injuries offered to its self and so make huge Mountains of small Mole-hills and causeth its heart easily to apprehend the wrong and to be busie in meditating of it being apprehended and then longeth for revenge one way or other wishing some disaster to fall upon person or name or both of the other and are glad to be freed any way from the relation thinking nothing sufficient to make amends for so great an indignity offered one of such worth as the party fondly and falsly conceits it self to be And if the self-lover hath not so much respect given as is expected is presently provoked to a furious rage When a Wife is mastered by self love she over values her self and under-values her Husband she can wink at the injuries she offers her Husband and put on spectacles of affection when she looketh on those wrongs which are offer'd to her whereby it cometh to pass that every small matter seemeth a great injury and provoketh her to great anger whereas if she thought meanly of her self and lov'd her Husband as her self she would not have suffered her self to be over-ballanced with the weight of self-affection in judging of the injury nor in giving the reins to her anger to rise to such an hâ—ight If the Wife had an endeared love for her Husband her love would have more force to restrain her from reproaching and reviling her Husband then any injury or seeming contempt of her could have to provoke her to anger For love suffereth long yea suffereth all things and is not provoked to anger 1 Cor. 13.4 7. The prevailing of self-love and the cooling and decay of conjugal love is the fundamental cause of all disturbances that are between Husband and Wife and that party that is most passionate hath least conjugal affection and by want of this love small matters do exasperate and breed distast and he or she that is most furious is most faulty For an Husband or Wife cannot have a bitter mind upon small provocations against one another if they dearly love one another and every thing that provokes is a small provocation which is not a breach of Gods Law And as
see violence and fury in their eyes If an Husband or Wife will give credit to every story that a tale-bearer brings them they shall never live at peace with one another VI. A peevish froward humorous constitution is another cause of Anger and Discord between Husband and Wife and so they will be angry at bare surmizes when it is nothing but a surmize or fancy that they make and propound to themselves and thereupon let out their anger like the Dog that barketh at the shining of the Moon Hence many are angry at their own fancy A pettish froward heart will create causes of anger to it self when there are none nay the power of their peevish and pettish humours is such that they are angry for every thing Every trifle every toy any thing in the world that falls out in the least manner against their minds puts them into an anger And indeed when Husbands or Wifes anger comes to be common upon every trifle it makes their anger contemptible and no one cares for it Some think to gain more Authority in their Family by their anger and make others more conformable to them by it but in truth it makes themselves the more despised You shall find your froward furious persons that they will be angry with irrational insensible Creatures and a pettish and froward Wife will be angry with one for the fault of another If a Child displease her she will be angry with her Husband Some persons have such froward and fretful natures that they have Gunpowder-Spirits that as soon as any thing displeaseth them they fly in the faces of their nearest Relations They are like dry wood that have all the Sap and Juice out of it as soon as ever the fire comes to it is all on a flame So Husband and Wives that have hasty natures Sapless and void of true Wisdom as soon as ever they have any occasion but a little fire a little occasion they are all on a fire presently Persons that are of froward and peevish dispositions will manifest their anger before any body never considerihg whether it be a convenient season The Husband will vent his anger against his Wife and the Wife vent her anger against her Husband tho' in the presence of Children or Servants and through the violence of their passions they care not what time they vent their revilings and reproaches And such furious persons will upbraid one another with their failings whoever be present they will not allow time to confider inconveniencies they are of such hasty Spirits and so will belch forth their passionate expressions in hast Also persons of cholerick Spirits they have no command of their Spirits to get them down when they are once up Though the winds be still the waves of the Sea are up and down a great while after So it is with Husbands and Wives when there is occasion to stir up their hearts to anger by reason of their froward peevish natures Though they have that which satisfies them yet they cannot be quiet for all that but they are like Salamanders in the fire continually There are many Husbands and Wives that have Dog-days all the year long You know we have Dog-days in one time of the year but they last but a little while but indeed such Husbands and Wives that have humoursome natures and dogged dispositions have always Dog-days there is nothing but frowardness wrangling and jangling between them all the year long so that in many the heat of anger is in their hearts like the fire of Hell that is unquenchable If once their passion is up they will never have done as if the fire of Hell were in their hearts and though there may be yielding to them and a forbearing of all words that may feed their passions yet nothing will quench them And it is certain that many that have suffered their passion and anger to arise unjustly and foolishly and are convinced in their own consciences that there is no sufficient cause for their anger yet they will continue in their anger and abide in it that they might not seem to others to be angry without a cause and they are loth that the distemper of their hearts should be discovered And also it appears that an Husband and Wife is sway'd by a peevish froward cholerick nature when they can let their anger rise to its utmost height for a very little offence that which would not be taken amiss at all by a person of meek Spirit Also persons are sway'd by a cholerick nature when they do manifest bitterness of Spirit in their anger This bitterness of Spirit consists in this when one is provoked and passion is up against another they care not what provoking speeches they use towards others grating upon their Spirits such things as they know before or at least hope will provoke them and this they do very eagerly Whereas one of a meek Spirit will be very loth to provoke any one and if there be any means to reform another without manifesting the passion of anger he will do it he will try all means of reformation before he will be angry I say though a meek person be justly offended by another yet if he can reform him with sweetness of carriage he will do it but the hearts of many Husbands and Wives are like a Spunge filled with Gall and Vinegar if you do not touch it nothing will come out but nip it between your fingers and it will presently come out in abundance so many hearts if you do but nip them as it were between your fingers the Gall will presently drop down they will presently be angry as it is with many bodies a cholerick stomach will turn all meats and make them to be bitter to them and so it is with such Husbands and Wives that have cholerick Spirits the distemper of their hearts turn every thing into bitterness and if any thing be done unto them that doth displease them they 'll go and chew upon it and so imbitter their own Spirits by thinking what wrong the other hath done him or her A bitter Pill must not be chew'd but swallowed down whole so when there is any thing done amiss to Husband or Wife the wrong indeed is a bitter Pill and should be swallowed down No marvel if every cross is so bitter if it be chew'd and meditated on Again it is evident that an Husband or Wife is master'd by a cholerick distemper if either of them be of a fierce disposition and indeed we may call such hare-brain'd Christians that are fierce and furious upon every occasion An angry person is more furious when only a seeming injury is done to him or her than when a real injury is done to God so that many times some peoples passions makes them like a furious mad Dog that when it sets on an object it cannot be called back Oh! the anger of froward peevish Spirits is very unruly so that such angry persons have not only
implietâ— the greatest sense of his own vileness nothingness and wretchedness The true reason why people at any time carry it so high with God that they have a good opinion of themselves is because their notions and apprehensions of God are so infinitely below him Did they know God more how would they fear before him and stand as persons astonished at the presence of his Majesty It is peoples darkness about God which emboldens them beyond their bounds or the line of Creatures and the reason why carnal persons and hypocrites carry it so stoutly before God is because they know not God aright They may bâ—ast of their knowledge when they know nothing as they ought 1 Cor. 8.2 Persons never see how imperfect they are till they see themselves in the light of Gods Perfection when they duly see themselves in that Glass they greatly abhor themselves because they see no beauty nor comliness in themselves for they cannot but see much deformity in themselves when they behold the Beauty and Glory of God As when we behold that Beauty we shall abhor our selves for our deformities and defilements so we shall be daily mending and cleansing our selves from them That sight of God Job had cap. 42.5 6. humbled him so deeply as to work in himself abhorrency But now mine eye seeth thee wherefore I abhor my self 1. An abhorrency of a sinful self or loathing of self for sin and evil done Ezek 36.31 2. It signifies an abhorrency of righteous self or a loathing our selves in the good yea even in the best that we have done Isa 64.6 So that a truly humble Soul abhorreth his righteousness as never to trust in it at all This the Apostle saith Philip. 3 7 8 Self righteousness is Gold and to be embraced in conversation but it is Dung and to be abhorred in justification An humble Soul doth abhor self-righteousness because he is convinced that self-righteousness is a weak and imperfect thing even in sanctification therefore he is so far from boasting of it or trusting to it that he hath a kind of abhorrency of it that as to justification he looks on it as abominable And as he abhors it because 't is unfit and incompetent in it self for justification so also because it is utterly inconsistent with the tenor of the Gospel wherein God hath removed all mans Righteousness how pure soever it may be from that use and directed us to look only to the Righteousness of Christ for that use which the Apostle calls the Righteousness of God Rom. 10.3 because 't is that which the Wisdom of God the Father hath provided for us and which the Worthiness of God the Son hath wrought and procured for us Pardon this digression I have reason for what I do O then would you get your pride mortified that begets and feeds your angry passions endeavour after fuller manifestations of God seriously consider God as revealed in his Word converse more with God get more acquaintance with God know and consider how much God is above and the meaner you will be in your own eyes the fuller discoveries you have of God the more sensible you will be of your own unworthiness and the more calmness will you have in your own spirits and the more able you will be to resist provocations unto anger We have no cause to wonder to see persons in the world that do not know God to have bold and presumptious spirits and have their spirits lifted up in vanity But it is a wonder that a Soul that ever had any sight of God should have any rising of spirit that any sinful heights of spirit should be in that Soul that knows what an infinite God he is to deal with O converse much with God and then you will be humble Souls That Soul that never goes from duty without experiencing communion with God is very humble and nothing hath that excellency in it as that which comes from conversing with God and upon the sight of his excellency 3. Consider that the more you see and know your selves the more you shall be abased and lie low in your selves A right knowledge of your selves is that which should bring your hearts low Do but seriously consider what you are in your selves what abundance of filth and vileness there is in your selves and you will not have any high thoughts of your selves O then study your selves more converse with your selves and endeavour to know your selves more and that noxious wind of ostentation by which proud persons are vainly puâ—â—t up in their fleshly minds will be let out and avoided Let every proud person consider what he is let the question be put to his or her own Soul thus Who am I or what am I that I should have a proud thought shall dust and ashes shall one that is but a shadow a vapour but as grass a flower of the field and in his best estate altogether vanity be prâ—ud O consider whatever thou art as to this world thou canst not be long what thou art in thy highest perfections attainable in this world thou art very mutable and the higher thou art the more mutable thou art and what hast thou to be proud of Shall perishâ—ng things be proud things wilt thou be lifâ—ed â—pâ— with what thou hast which as 〈◊〉 the wâ—rld is of â—o little being as thou canst haâ—lly be said to be Consider all these things which are as fuel and occasions of thy priâ—e Thou must shortly give an account for them to God and the more thou haâ—â— received in any kind whatsoever the stricter will thy account be for thy Accâ—unt will be proportionable to what thy Râ—ceipt is Luke 12.48 To whomsoever much is given of him shall much be required Consider wâ—at thou art by Nature and whiles â—n thy unconverted state thou wert a Child of Wrath as bad as the basest and vilest wretch in the world thou wert full of sin the seeds of all kind of sin there is no sâ—n in Hell it self but the seeds of it were in thy heart thy heart and life was full of sin all the faculties of thy Soul were full of sin all the members of thy body were instruments of sin thy Soul and Body was polluted and loathsom and in that condition thou wert succourless and helpless thou could'st never deliver thy self thou wert wandring from God and would'st have wandred eterâ—aâ—ly if God had not looked upon thee in mercy There was such a breach made between God and thy Soul that had all the Angels n Heaven or Creatures in the world laid down their lives for thee thou could'st not by their deaths have helped to make up that breach Look back to this condition and thou wilt see cause enough to be low in thine own eyes Consider what thou might'st now have been if the Lord had takâ—n advantage against thee Thou art now in a comfortable condition thou now comest among the people of God into the assemblies of the Saints but thou