Friend of thee in the mean time T. Rom. Why I enjoy n 'em to secresie Man so that she 's secure enough in Conscience as I will thee now therefore be sure you don't tell any Body D' ye hear Hots 'Faith but I will Sir if you tell me any thing Sir Char. S'death not draw yet What a Plague do's he mean Aside T. Rom. Pshaw pshaw that 's all one I 'll trust thee for all that Faith why I 've a thousand things to divert thee with Man and ' Gad take me have the greatest Pleasure in the World in telling 'em First then here 's a Billet Deux from my Lord Awekings's Daughter a great Man at Court and a swinging Politician who having more Business in his Head than to mind his Daughters gave me opportunity at the Musick-meeting at London to make an Intrigue and the Creature is now grown so fond that my Father was fain to design a Wife for me here at Richmond to divert me Thou shalt hear what she writes Sweet sweet sweet Tomme canst thou find in thy Heart to be so long away from thy dear deare deare Betty Ah sweet Creature ' Gad I believe I shall wear the Paper to a Cobweb with kissing it Reads the Letter Hots S'death can there be so simple a Creature in Nature T. Rom. Prithee mind me I swear I never go to Bed but I dream of thee nor ever rise without crying My dear sweet heavenly Tomme is always in my Thoughts And if his poor Betty were half so much in his I 'm sure he would come this Night through the Boards of the little House in the Garden to see her as he us'd to do That was our way of meeting you must know and ' Gad I have been plaguely incommoded sometimes to get cleanlily to her But didst ever hear any thing so Soft and Tender hah Hots Never any thing so Silly before the Devil take me Sir Char. Agen an Affront Now where 's the first Pass now Tom Aside Rice There is crete deale of Doubts and Jealousies and Pribbles and Prabbles which shew Loves and Affections look you T. Rom. Then in the second place here is a Garter of Sir Thomas Wittal's Lady's here at Cue taken from above her Knee with my own Hand I 'll swear a Locket from pretty Peggy Daughter to one Quicksilver a Goldsmith at the Cawdle Cup in Lombard-street a Picture from dear Ienny Flippant a rich Widows Niece in the old Pall-Mall a Roman Glove from sweet Lady Susanna Simple in St. Iames's Square And more to shew ye that I deal with all degrees of Females come hither Sirrah there 's a piece of delicate Point from Moll a Sempstress in the New-Exchange to make me a Crevat and a Head of curious bright Hair from my Lady Freckles Chamber-Maid to make me a Peruke Sir Char. This is so like these young Rogues to brag of their Mistresses Favours Hots Red and rank as a Fox by Iove Pox on thee Bright dost call it Rice And to shew ye that the Prittains are admir'd too look you here was delicate creen Leeks sent by young Widows of her Cousin Tomas ap Evan ap Rice ap Shones ap Davy ap Shinken as a Token of her Love and to wear in her Cap upon St. Davy's Day Pulls out a great Leek Hots Death ye brace of Buffoons what d' ye teize me with all this Stuff for Sir Char. How Boffoon 'Sdeath and near a hole in his Guts yet Oh cowardly Villain T. Rom. Stay stay I have two things more in my Fob here better than all first here 's a Bracelet of witty Sophronia's and above all a Seal with a wounded Heart engrav'd upon Coral of my deare deare Fulvia's Hots Nay then I 'll no longer have Patience therefore draw for ye Lye Sir Char. The Lye so ' Gad I 'll whip him through the Midriff my self if he takes that Hots For first Sophronia is a Woman of too much Sence to give a Bracelet to such an Insect And secondly Fulvia is my Friends Mistress and has no Heart but for him Come on Pox come both of ye Rice Stand to her Cousin splut her will shew her a Welsh Thrust T. Rom. loyters back T. Rom. The Truth is that last was a Lye but since the Welsh-man's Blood 's up I 'm resolv'd to vindicate it Come Sir Sir Char. Hold hold Tom and Cousin come you back tho his Insolence deserves Chastisement he shall not have it to the dishonour of our Family I 'll take it upon my self Come on Sir you that were so hot Offers to Fight Hots Ay Sir with all my Heart Rice Pray Unkle let hur go hur has kill'd no Rascals since hur came from Wales T. Rom. Prithee old Gentleman get you out o' th way I 'm in the humour of killing him Sir Char. Son Tom it must not be What 's your Name Sir you are like to scape this time Hots Why then a Pox on ye all my Name 's Hotspur and you may see me at the Wells every Morning and more to provoke ye to take Satisfaction know that I am Friend to Frederick and will espouse his Interest in the Heiress to the last and so adieu Exit Sir Char. Ay 't is so 't is this rich Heiress is the cause of all these Brawls but come Son since thou hast me of thy side be confident Policy as well as the Sword shall secure her to thee For above all the World 's great Benefits a Wife is best in her good Circumstances To follow Wars abroad may Honour bring 'T is brave Preferment there to serve the King T. Rom. But a rich Heiress here 's a Heavenly thing Exeunt ACT II. SCENE I. Enter Frederick Hotspur Quickwit and Numps Sophronia discover'd at a distance reading Fred. A true Friend is the most solid Good a Man can possess in this World And tho' dear Will I ought extreamly to thank thee for abusing those two Fools for my sake yet I could wish Sir Charles had been absent least this new occasion of distaste may cause him to be more vigilant and so hinder our Plot upon the Heiress Hotsp Faith dear Fred I beg thy Pardon with all my Heart if I did amiss but the Devil take me if I could contain my self after hearing such a Preposterous deal of Impudence and Folly I could have beaten them with a better Will than a Turk would a Christian Slave that he found had an Intrigue with his VVife or Daughter Quick Well well let 's to the Proof I long methinks to be acting my Madman And as for Numps here he 'll do his part to a Miracle I have taught him his Lesson perfectly Fred. What my Lord de la Fool 's old Serving-man he has hit the Family Beard to a Hair I see and 't is impossible he should miscarry for I am privately inform'd the Doctor knows neither of them by sight and has only heard of a Son of the Countesses that was
THE Richmond Heiress OR A Woman Once in the Right A COMEDY ACTED At the THEATRE ROAYL By Their MAJESTIES Servants Written by THO. D'URFEY Gent. LONDON Printed for Samuel Briscoe over-against Will 's Coffee-House in Covent-Garden 1693. To the Honourable and my very much esteem'd Friend Sir NICHOLAS GARRARD Bar. â—… SIR GReat Courtesies which are in their value beyond gratifying grant the receiver this Excuse however that he may expect a Pardon if his Endeavour be answerable to his real Will and natural Ability I am extreamly Sensible of the many Favours I have had from you and I am as sensible of the very few ways my ill Stars make me capable of returning 'em this little flourish Sir is only to Introduce a common Truth which your Iudgment can inform your self very well without my telling which is that a Poet has no better way of paying his Gratitude than by an offering of the Fruits of his Brain to the generous Person he is oblig'd to Sir if I had not known you to be one that has made it some part of your business as well as diversion to encourage things of this Nature I should not have troubled you with this but the Conversation which for some years I have had the honour to enjoy with you has given me this boldness asuring my self that as you have the same good Humour as formerly so you have a Gusto and Relish to taste with the same Appetite now as you did at other times when I have been so Happy to entertain you with the like sort of Treat Sir the Comedy I now present to you is in the best Iudgment of my most judicious Friends one of the best of mine and till I see more and better Matter and Humour in a scription of this kind I shall not be uneasie when I think on the little poor abuses and disturbances of a malecontented Party that like the Devil have for some late Years ow'd me an ill turn and I have reason to fear now will never have done paying me The entertainment of Songs and Dances in it as they gave more diversion than is usually seen in Comedy's so they were perform'd with general Applause and I think my Enemies have cause to say with greater than is ordinary and though this had its Inconvenience by lenghtning the whole Piece a little beyond the common time of Action which at this time o' th Year I am sensible is a very great Fault yet the worst of malice has granted me this that there appeared no defect of Genius whatever there might of Iudgment The Perusal therefore Sir most humbly I commit to yours and dedicate both my self and it to you whom I know to be a Man of honour and sence in which attributes I think all others are comprehended and since I know your temper too well to inlarge much upon Complement or trouble you with impertinent Praise I will only think of you as all the sensible World does that know ye and make an humble Suit to ye to accept this Trifle as a mark of Gratitude from SIR Your most oblig'd And most humble Servant T. D'URFEY London May 6. 1693 The Actors Names and Characters Sir Charles Romance A travell'd old Knight grave and sententious Guardian to the Heiress and Father-in-Law yet contriving her for his Son Acted by Mr. Freeman Sir Quibble Quere A soft easie half-witted Knight credulous to an extravagant degree perpetually asking Questions about the Play-House and Town Intrigues tho' always banter'd and kept in Ignorance By Mr. Bright Tom Romance Son to Sir Charles a young vain fluttering lying Fellow always bragging of his Mistresses Favours and shewing their Presents perpetually intriguing and never constant to any By Mr. Powel Dr. Guiacum An opinionated Chimical Doctor a great pretender to cure Lunaticks and Claps By Mr. Sandford Frederick Half-Brother to Sir Quibble a witty young Town-Spark who through the Vice and Inconstancy of his Humour tho' he were contracted to Sophronia breaks off with her upon a slight occasion to pursue an Intrigue with the Heiress who has much the greater Fortune By Mr. Williams Rice ap Shinkin A young whimsical Welsh Fop that imitates Tom Romance in Intriguing his Kinsman too and Companion By Mr. Bowman Dick Stockjobb An opinionated impertinent Citizen a great Stock-jobber and always laying Wagers and against the Government By Mr. Underhill Hotspur A rash hot headed quarrelsom Fellow Friend to Frederick and intrigu'd with Mrs. Stockjobb By Mr. Hudson Quickwit A witty but poor Scholar that being hired by Frederick to steal the Heiress feigns himself mad and takes upon him the Name of the Lord de la Fool. By Mr. Dogget Cunnington Subtle and mischievous and Antagonist to Quickwit in his Design upon the Heiress By Mr. Bowen Christopher Servant to Dr. Guiacum Numps A Country-Fellow employ'd as Servant to my Lord de la Fool. WOMEN Fulvia The Heiress a witty generous and virtuous young Lady who being privately in love with Frederick feigns her self lunatick to trick her Guardian and avoid impertinent Suitors Acted by Mrs. Bracegirdle Sophronia A Female plain-dealer passionate and high-spirited very satyrical upon the Town Humours and particularly severe upon Frederick for deserting her By Mrs. Barry Mrs. Stockjobb alias Pogry Stockjobb's Wife formerly a French-man 's Widow in Pâ—…cardy but coming over as a Refugee is married to Stockjobb a trim gay Coquette yet pretending to Religion and Good-breeding By Mrs. Bowman Madam Squeamish A young fantastical Creature of Richmond horribly afraid of being Lampoon'd and yet perpetually doing something or other to deserve it By Mrs. Knight Marmalette An old ridiculous Waiting-Woman of Fulvia's very desirous of a Husband and contriving all she can to get one By Mrs. Lee. Poâ—…ade A Waiting-Maid Mad men Clown Musicians Singers Dancers Constable and Watch Footmen and Attendants PROLOGUE Spoken by Mr. Dogget with a Fools Cap with Bells on his Head FOols are the Chief Support of Stage Affairs Were there no Fools there then would be no Players From the Country Caf the Citt the Man of Law The Courtier and the Coffee house Iackdaw To th' Clergyman that Vice so slowly quells All have strong Titles to the Cap with Bells And I Curse on 't am fix'd here like a Glass For every John a Nokes to see his Face Had my kind Stars design'd me for a Shop Made me some young pert lucky thriving Fop I might with Credit all the Town deceive And cheat so long till I could fine for Shrieve At least in Furrs the City Livery wear And come to eat a Custard with the Mayor Or had my Fate but that 's too fine a Thing Design'd me some Court Pest to cheat the King Conscience would stretch as I had chang'd condition I should have made a swinging Politician Or had I been some Canting Babe of Grace As for the Pulpit I 've a lovely Face How could I thump the Cushion With what Zeal Have trimm'd between a Crown and Commonweal I
the Wheel Hell take all Heiresses and all the Sex besides Exit Fred. Sir Quib. Ha ha ha alas poor Brother I see now I am to be the happy Man Fulvia Troth no Sir I must beg your pardon too your Estate is wasted with disbursing Sums to go a Fortune-hunting nor have you Brains enough to get another and to marry a Ninny a Bankrupt no as you us'd to say Sir I a'n't such a Fool neither T. Rom. You may send home your Coach Sir Quibble you will have no use for it here Gad take me Sir Quib. Why then a Plague of all Intrigues I 'll go and get drunk and despise all Womankind for I 'll say 't I 'll ne're hang my self about the matter but I 'll have my Money again if there be Law in England let the Women go to the Devil I 'll not be chous'd out of that what a Pox I a'n't such a Fool neither Exit Sir Quibble Fulvia Ha ha ha thus far Sir Charles you see how far I have discharg'd your Trust do ye resolve therefore to deliver up your Guardianship freely that I may have generous liberty to pursue my Inclinations Sir Char. Madam with all my heart before this Company I declare you free to chuse a new Guardian where you please and to confirm it take there the Keys where all your Writings are and the Power left me by your Father I see she intends to give her self generously to my Son and therefore to confine her were ungenerous Aside to the Doctor Guiac There stands the Gentleman Madam if you design him happy the quicker work the better Fulvia That might have been done indeed Doctor to oblige Sir Charles but the Gentleman you speak of has made a better choice as this can witness Gives Sir Charles a Letter Sir Char. How 's this a Letter of Courtship to Sophronia Fulvia Oh! and so full of Passion Flame and Darts that it almost scorch'd me when I read it Sir Char. Oh Villain Dolâ—… Town-Fop have I been racking my Brains all this while to get an Heiress to thy purpose what 's the meaning of this Sirrah T. Rom. Why the meaning is that I love all the Sex gad take me and can no more confine my self to one Woman than to one Suit of Cloaths if you don 't like the humour you might have got me a better that 's all I know of the matter Sir Char. Insupportable Coxcomb I 'll disinherit thee immediately Guiac More turns and Plots this is a very Comedy by the life of Gallen Hoâ—…sp So I find I am like to Cudgel my five hundred Pounds out of my Spark for the Devil a penâ—…y â—…e's like to get by the Heiress but stay who the Devil will she chuse if I should be the Man at last Fulvia Since such a general defect of honesty corrupts the Age I 'll no more trust Mankind but lay my Fortune out upon my self and flourish in contempt of humane Falshood as for thy part that hast been a main Acter in this business and with contriving wit well manag'd it to let thee see th' Ingenious still gets Friends I will with Gold reward thy Industry nor shall honest Numps may nor your Coâ—…ade be either of theâ—… forgotten but be instantly brought hither and share a part of Bounty To Quickwit Quick 'T is my Glory Madam to be outwitted by you and if my Brain did any thing uncommon it was by you inspir'd Marm. Well 〈◊〉 Fortune has contriv'd the business so I hope Sir you think it time to remember me Quick Oh prithee dear venerability have patience a little thou â—…eest all the Marriages are 〈◊〉 at present and 't is not fit we should be singular my dear Antiquâ—… Marm. Alas sweet Sir but delays you kmâ—…w are dangerous and if I should be balk'd in my Expectation my heart is so set upon'â—… that I should anihilate that very moment I should dye as I 'm a Christian. Fulvia Well Cousin what think we now of my Resolution have I not done Justice Soph. Most generous Maid thou art a dear Example for all thâ—… Sâ—… to copy out thy Virtue for that a kind and tender heart like 〈◊〉 moulded for Love and softned with Endearments should generously on the account of honour resist a Traytor that with strong Eâ—…hantments of Vows and Oaths had long time made Impression is a performance heightned to a wonder and will be reverenc'd in succeeding ages Fulvia My eyes in contradiction to the World have ever scorning Interest fix'd on Merit and led by Love and Generous inclination have strove to make that Sentiment appear by a free present of my Heart and Fortune to one I thought as nobly had deserv'd ' em But oh the Race of Men are all Deceivers and my relief is my resolve to shun 'em 't is my dear Friend as thou hast lately told me which for instruction I will still repeat Love may seeem great that in it self is small Looks cover thoughts and Interest governs all When Damon to an Heiress speaks kind things 'T is not for what she is but what she brings Exeunt EPILOGUE OF all the Criticks met to judge this Play The Fortune-Hunters most are fear'd to day Who must be vext that they 've a Brother found So odly balk'd of fifty thousand Pound And I confess they have some cause to rage The Spark has lost a tempting Equipage A Coach a set of Barbs such dazling things Nay six lac'd Footmen finer than the Kings Besides a fine bred Miss embroider'd round With a Rump Crosheâ—… worth five hundred Pound These Gemâ—… to lose of deep concern must be But yet considering the equality How oft ye chouce poor Women is 't not fit Once in an age the Biter should be bit To be so often fool'â—… I think is civil But to be Changelings always is the Devil Besides the truth is we find out your Arts. Love guilds your Tongues but Money guides your Hearts In Songs you term ouâ—… Faces Charming fair But 't is the gilt Charming face our Gold 〈◊〉 â—…ar That treats us with your Poetry and Air. If she 's a swinging Fortune he the cry Then gad there 's no such Angel in the Skie But should Small-Pox or Poverty invade Then who would visit such a Polâ—…cat Iade And Plague upon her is your Serenade Of moderate Worth or Wealth you 'll ne're allow She must be still the Eagle or the Crow This Theâ—…m occasions our new Scenes to Night To shew a Woman 〈◊〉 was in the right The Satyr's gentle and I think 't is 〈◊〉 And only meant to teach yâ—… to be true You should with patience bear the â—…ling smart Kiss the kind Rod and take it in good part But if you swell and sâ—…ew a stubborn Heart If in your Breasts ungrateful Passions sâ—…ay And you should 〈◊〉 at me and at the Play May theâ—… 〈◊〉 dire Revenge pursue ye round Mâ—… 〈◊〉 one that has such an Heiress found Lose her at last and fifty thousand Pound FINIS