old Sir Geo. Subtleman Jon. Yes I am very sure As Sir George is pâ—ring on the Letter Cau. Then will I discover his Son's Intentions to kill him and so compleat my Revenge on young Subtleman for cheating me of my Money and perhaps get no small Sum from the old Man for this seasonable Information Jon. But did you not promise Subtleman that you would not directly or indirectly do him an Injury Cau. Pshaw pshaw 't is for grave old Men and not such young Striplings as your self to understand the Obligation of Promises Let me alone for that Advancing to Sir George Sir tho' a Stranger I make bold to ask you if this Paper be subscribed R. C Sir Geo. Yes Sir it is so Cau. If so I must acknowledg my self to be the Author of it and upon good terms can give you farther information Sir Geo. Your Information I shall hear most gladly But before you begin I will tell you my Character and that perhaps may save you the labour of proceeding further I am old but not infected with the usual Humours of Old Age. I am not credulous for I believe none especially Priests upon their bare word If you bring no further proof than that you will lose your Cause in my Court of Justice I am not timerous and therefore you may spare all flourishing Aggravations of Danger for there is no Danger that I dare not meet or that can seem greater to me than it really is I am neither stupid or forgetful therefore if you have sent this Paper or come your self to impose upon me you shall find that I have not forgot the faculty of remembring Injuries I am neither immoderately Covetous nor dotingly Prodigal I requite Courtesies moderately in my Life-time but shall never like some old Children leave an Estate to them that feed me with Sugar-Plums or buy me Play-things But I have one Imperfection of old Age I am very peevish when I hear Impertinencies which praying you to avoid I hope you will begin your Story Cau. Well then Being mov'd by meer Love and Compassion Sir Geo. Nay then you must give me leave to interrupt you Do'nt pretend Love or Compassion to me For how a De'l shouldst thou love an old Man and a meer Stranger Besides if thou art mov'd to do me good what a Pox do I care what mov'd thee 'T is all one to me whether 't is meer Friendship or thine own Interest I hate Flattery that is another of my Qualities Cau. My own Interest Why all the World knows I am not Covetous But Sir Geo. Nay now I must interrupt you again and tell you plainly that all the World does not know that thou art not Covetous for I my self do believe thou art what else should engage thee to turn Informer And now I must tell thee of another of my Qualities I hate lying above all things in the World pray avoid that Cau. Well Seeing that you are not willing that I should clear my self from the vile Aspersion of Covetousness I shall desist Sir Geo. From what Do you not now appear in the Person of an Informer and are you ignorant that the more you are aspersed the better you are qualified for that Office Cau. I perceive Sir you are very well qualified to lose all you have rather than receive a little seasonable Information And so Adieu Going out Sir Geo. pulls him back Sir Geo. Nay remember Sir since I perceive you begin to avoid the Superfluities and Excressencies of Speech I must hear what you have to say Cau. Then you must give me Money in the first Place and an Oath of Secrecy not to discover your Author in the Second Sir Geo. This is short pithy and to the purpose Here is Mony in the first place And my Promise not to discover you in the Second Cau. Then the Business in short is this Your Son has propos'd a Question to be resolv'd by the Fathers Whether he may not lawfully knock you on the Head 1. As a useless Person 2. A peevish and cross-grain'd And 3. an obstinate Heretick And now I can tell you more Tho' I hate Covetousness if you would give me more Money Sir Geo. What give thee Money for a notorious and impudent Forgery My Son knows me to be so far from being useless that I do all Business for him and Eat Drink Dance Wench for my self into the bargain I am so far from beeing peevish that I can forbear breaking your Head notwithstanding this intolerable Provocation And as for being an obstinate Heretick 't is most notoriously false for I never did trouble my Head so much about Religion as to be one And now Sir I shall tell my Son of your Information for which he will undoubtedly reward you Cau. But did you not promise Secresy Sir Geo. Yes if you spoke Truth but I cannot conceal a Lie for that is another of my Qualities which I forgot to mention Cau. To confute you follow me and I will carry you to the very Place where you shall hear your Son propose that Question to my self and others your Resolution of it Sir Geo. Gramercy old Father now thou speakest to the purpose Do that and I shall be grateful Cau. That is you 'l give me a Gratification Sir Geo. Yes and a good One too Cau. That 's well For tho' I hate Covetousness yet I love a Gratification it shews Honesty Come follow me Sir Geo. I will Exeunt Scene 's Leucasia's Lodgings Leucasia and Betty Leu. Art sure the Story of the Coffee-House Encounter is true Betty 'T is the whole Discourse and Laughter of the Town Mr. Turnabout was one of the Managers Leu. Ha! ha ha Then I hope the poor Creature will be tir'd at last with their Folly if not with their Wickedness Enter Boy Boy Madam Mr. Turnabout is upon the Stairs and is very earnest for Admittance Leu. Let him come up He 's no dangerous Man Besides I want Diversion Exit Boy Betty Now good Madam Tease him Enter Turnabout Turn Lady your Servant You see now the force of Love and good Nature I am come to visit you notwithstanding the ill Character you gave of me to Father Politico Leu. I vow Sir you â—ondescend too much and make your Visits with too great an Equipage My Lodgings here are small and cannot receive your numerous Train of Pages Footmen and other Attendance The Street I live in is too narrow and will be encumbred with your Coach and Six so that you must not in prudence let your Visits be long for which I 'm exceeding sorry Turn Don't let that Madam grieve or concern you I come attended with one only Page his Name is Cupid he keeps close to me Day and Night and is extreamly watchful I hope your Ladyship will not turn him down among the Servants in the Hall but admit him a little nearer to your Bosom Leu. If you have a Cupid 't is certainly the oddest that ever was known He
Advice sâ—ill Subt. Aye Faith and good Advice too Thou must be sâ—â—e to deal with the Fathers as some Gallants do with vicious Women that stand upon their Reputation thou must pry into all their Secrets and then they will faithfully serve thee as the Indians do the Devil not out of Love but Fear Whenever they cast out a Devil by Compact with the pretended possessed Person Do thou be one of the Witnesses and take care to have an hand in the business Whenever they make an Image speak or a Relick cure one that never was sick do thou be one that stands behind the Curtain or that applies the Remedy or subscribes to the truth of the Miracle Whenever they devise a new way to destroy Hereticks by the gentle methods of Fire and Sword do thou be one of their Consederates and promise to be a principal Actoâ— in the Tragedy If ever any of the Fathers do tempt or are tempted by a Woman do Turn Phew say no more of that I know enough of their Secrets that way Subt. 'T is well Jack if thou dost for they are the most profitable Secrets of any For when thoâ— understand that thou art Rogue enough to change sides and discover all whenever it is for thy advantage they must get thy Mouth stopp'd by Mony or Preferment for this In remote Countries they do not much value their Reputation yet here where they are bound to their good Behaviour which some of them like worse than to be bound to a Whipping-Post they must dread them that know their Secrets lest the Discovery should hinder their grand Projection Turn Thou speakest good Sense but still I am not satisfied that 't is my best course for Mr. Bigot upon whom I chiefly relie is a Priest that is truly zealous in his way He is Master of a good Head which would be capâ—ble of bearing Learning if it were not applied altogether to the Politicks which I believe are his only Study so that now it looks like a good Field that for want of Tillage is over-run with Briars and Thistles He is naturally inclin'd to Honesty and just in all things wherein his Religion is not concern'd but then he sticks at nothing He studies nothing but the Advancement of the Catholick Cause As for himself tho he has a sufficient Interest at Court yet I believe him to be poor and needy His Zeal is so hot that it seemes to have burn'd up his Eves and dry'd up his Brain to the quantity of a Nâ—tnâ—eâ— so that I think the Man might have been learned honest and wise if his Religion had not made him a Dunce a Knave and a Fool. Subt. But my Chapman Father Caution is of a quite contrary Temper he is resolv'd to be rich himself tho the Cause starve to death He is very mistrustâ—ul of a Change and will not be so much a Fool as to expect the total Conversion of this Nation tho Bigot does earnestly perswade him to it nor does he care whether it be so or no any more than as it does prâ—mote his own private Interest He makes just so much shew of Religion as may serve to make him capable of now and then selling an uncertain Favour at Court to a Friend for certain Mony But whatever is beyond that he looks on as superstuous In fine he is a covetous insatiable Rascal endued with a large stock of Cunning and Hypocrisy that is grown rich by bubbling Candidates for new Offices and wants nothing but a leap beyond Sea to make him compleatly happy Turn A very fine Character Subt. Besides I 'le tell thee another Secret He is a libidinous Beast and that Servant Jonathan Simple that attends upon him in Mans Cloaths is known to be a Woman Turn Since thou knowest him so well what a Devil made you deal with him Subt. I know that he mistrusts that his Reign is not long here and therefore may sell good Penny-worths and since I have Mony by me I am willing to improve it to the best till the old Man dies who is a Father indulgent enough in every thing but his living thus long Turn This damn'd Hypocrisy is the greatest of all Slaveries I would never endure it but for the sake of the beautiful Leucasia thy incomparable Kinswoman Subt. Leucasia is indeed a Lady of undoubted Wit and Vertue One that ties not up her self to the usual Formalities of her Sex but takes a freedom to her self in all vertuous Pleasures But what a Devil makes thee resort to the Fathers to gain her when thou knowest how mortally she does hate 'em and imploys the best of her Wit against them Turn Why Faith I 'le tell thee the only 〈◊〉 I found in my Addresses that she 〈…〉 but that she 〈…〉 as indeed 〈…〉 I have taken this course in which I am resolv'd to continue till I see the Issue Enter Bigot and Cautious talking But here they both come it is their usual hour I don't care to see them now they will expect I should be in another place Exeunt ambo Bigot and Cautious advance upon the Stage Big Nay but Brother Cautious that Excuse must not serve your turn I would fain know what makes those Heretick Clergy-men in black Gowns so croud about your Lodging Don't you know how that Tribe make it their business to maul us in their Pulpits to squeeze us as it were to death in Printing-Presses to disappoint us in Elections and a thousand Tricks of the like nature And yet I perceive six or seven of them do wait on you every Morning I vow I must complain of you to our Superiors as of a suspicious Person Cau. Good Brother Bigot be not so surious those black Coats come for Preferment Big Aye and so we shall have all Vacancies fill'd up with Hereticks before the Penal Laws be taken away to make room for Catholicks I vow Brother you injure our Cause Cau. I vow Brother you injure your Brain by this intemperate and unnecessary Zeal Cannot I get the Rogues turn'd out again for Simony when the time serves and my self be a Witness against them Besides do you rightly consider the Worth and Dignity of their Mony I say again Do you rightly consider the Worth and Dignity of Mony Big I must confess Mony is very proper to carry on the Cause and I am forced to expend a great deal on those that wâ—ll not undertake without it for the truth is I find very few excepting the zealous Mr. Turnabout of our new Converts that are willing to act without Mony upon whom I have expended great Sâ—ms and I hope you put your Mony to that same pious use Cau. Can you doubt that But in truth he may doubt it long enough before I spend my Mony upon such improbable Projects Aside Big I can't doubt it in a true Catholick Priest Why we have more hopes now of subduing the Hereticks than ever Cau. What because of our good Fortune in the
late Trial Big Pshaw Pshaw tâ—â—â—'s a meer Flea-bite a Trick of Law Would to God there were no such thing as Law in the Nation I was always an Enemy to all Proceedings by Law they are always destructive to us but we will have Commissions without Law and against Law and above Law that shall maul the Rogues in spite of all their Law-tricks But we have now such a number of new Converts in all Parts and such brave Men Cau. I know not Brother how many or how brave they be but I 'm sure my Trade is sensibly decay'd of late I have not now one half of the Custom I lately had and those that do come give not half the Money they lately did For my part I cannot stay here to starve among Hereticks Big Phy Brother Cautious phy do not turn thy back upon those Glories that are just now breaking from behind a Cloud to dazle the Eyes and amaze the Understanding of the British World Mack-Donnel the fam'd Irish Priest is now arriv'd at Court with joyful Tydings with the conversion of a numberless number of our beloved Country-men who spontaneously relinquishing their long imbib'd Errors have thrown themselves into the chast embraces of our Mother-Church Cau. This Fellow would needs gull me with his fair words but still I suspect the strength of our Cause Aside Do you know that Mack-Donnal Pray what sort of Man is he Big He is an Irish Priest of much Zeal tho' not much Learning yet he is much improv'd since he went to St. Omers He can now read a great part of the Mass by help of a Fâ—scue and a little conning before-hand He has been at all the great Towns in England and is now returned with a List of the new Converts He is at my Lodgings Cau. Seeing is believing I never renounce the testimony of my Senses but in one thing Pray Brother let your Servant step fetch him Big to Servant Go and tell Father Mack-Donnel that we desire his Company and a view of the List Serv. I shall Exit Servant Big to Cau. But now I think on 't Brother one of my Sons that was disinherited by his Father for turning Romanist has borrowed all my Money pray accommodate me with a little Gold or the Cause may suffer if I want it Cau. Now the Fool has been gull'd of his own Money he would fain borrow mine But I shall fail him Aside Sure Brother you intend to affront me Big Why so Cau. Why do you think that I keep Money by me now the Cause is in this Distress Phy phy I send all away beyond-Sea I do in earnest Aside and am as poor as a Church Mouse Big Dost thou so Man Embracing him very eagerly O how could I hug thee for it thou best of Men thou art the very Joy of my Heart and I love thee better than if thou hadst given me a Million of Millions Re-enter Servant with Mack-Donnel flourishing his Paper Mack Here ish the Pauper by Shaint Pautrick here it ish Ish had made go one thoshand Miles for thish Pauper aund so fausht by Shaint Pautrick that Ish haud come shooner if Ish had not made stay by the way Big Pray Brother Mack-Donnel give my Friend an Account of our prodigious Success in the Country Mack reads Well then Firsht of aul in the Shitty of London Big Sir I say in Country Mack Why Ish not aul the Country in London Yesh by Shaint Pautrick aund aul Ireland aund aul Scotland Ish do hope to shee aul Eaunsh aund aul Italy aund aul Spaine there too and then by Shaint Pautrick London will be the finesht Country in the whole World Cau. But to pass by these Digressions pray give us an account of the Progress you have made in new Converts without Addition Looking on his Paper Mack Firsht then in the Shitty of Norwitch there be four ferry proper Shentlemen dad do live in the great House upon the Hill Cau. Their Names Mack Tom Cutter Richard Kill-all Robert Divewell William Hector Cau. O I have read of them in some printed Papers they are four notorious Rascals that have kept constant Possession of the Jayl there seven Years as if it had been their own by right of Inheritance They were all hang'd last Assizes for Murther and other Felonies Mack Yesh by St. Pautrick the Heretick Dogs did make hang upon their shweet Bodysh Ish had no time a Reprive for them but by my Shoule Man they did die as good Catholicks as thou and Ish art Cau. That may be But Pray Brother what Progress do they make in the Universities Those are the Fountains that ought first to be sweetned Looking on his Paper Mack O! in the firsht plaush in the University of Cambridg there ish one of hish Majâ—sties mosht grashous Offishers by my Shoul and St. Pautrick that do dispash mauny of de Hereticks in the Year Big His Name Mack William Cuttrope He dosh sherve his Majesties grashes Sheriffe Cau. O I know him he is the Common Hangman I remember I used to tremble at the sight of him when I was last in Jail upon Suspicion Big Brother I vow you make my Zeal rise against you to treat a new Convert so rudely as to call him plain common Hangman This shews Cau. It shews that you have neither Knowledg or Discretion to reprehend me What more honourable Name could I give him than that of an Hangman and by how much the more common so much the better We may talk of Books and Conferences and I know not what but when all 's done there are thousands in this Nation that can be converted by nothing but Gibbets and Halters They are at least our Journy-men we cut ouâ— the Work which they finish Big Brother I beg your Pardon all this is true but you know immoderate Zeal may sometimes thrust a Man upon Indecencies Cau. Will you say there is the Hangmaâ— in the first place and pray who is there in the second Looking on his Paper Mack Why in the second in the second by St. Pautrick my dear Joy in the second plaush there ish no body at aul Big Well one such is as good as many But how many in the other places Mack Then in a little Town hard by there be one thoushand Cau. What Catholicks or Whores Mack Both together my dear Joy the Catholicks be the Whores and the Whores be Catholicks aund both together do make one thoushand or one dozen by St. Pautrick I know not well whether pores on the Paper Big Well is that all Mack No Ish have one more A Genleman that do wear the long Robe at Reading his Name is Henry Shimpleton Cau. I know him he is a Fool a Natural kept by the Parish Mack 'T is true I my self did converâ— him by giving two Nickers and a Marble Big Pray Brother speak not so contemptibly of Fools I will assure you the Catholick Cause is very much beholden to Fools
It was invented by Fools maintain'd by Fools and carried on in great part by Fools unto this very day Was not St. Francis â— Fool St. Ignatius a Fool and a thousand other Fools I could mention Therefore pray Brother speak not so contemptibly oâ— Fools Cau. Why I said so for that very reason Mack Well by St. Pautrick Ish vil go and carry my Pauper to the great Man in plaist at Court and beg Plaish for it St. Pautricl bless you Farewell Going out but returns hastily O but stay I had forgot to make Petishon for one thing that Father would make pray to the King's Majesties Graush for shome Plaushes for the four Catholick Shentlemen that did live in the great Houâ—h â—t Norwish Cau. Why did not you say they were hang'd Mack O by my Shoul and St. Pautrick I had 〈◊〉 forgot dad it ishâ—â—â—ue they be made hauing already and can have no Plaush at Court Adieu Exit Cau. Harâ—ye Brother does not our Friend Mackdonnel talk a little like a Fool Big O fy no 't is meer Zeal and Transport you know not the true force of Zeal it will make a Fool a Knave or any thing Cau. That may be But if it make me such a Fool as to part with my Mony I 'le be hang'd for it Aside Big Well I am hastning to the great Spanish Priest Father Politico about some publick Business He is the rarest Contriver in the World he has ten thousand Plots in his Head the least of which are sufficient to overturn a better settled Government than this He has refin'd the Politicks of all the Courts in Christendom for the use of the English Nation And tho he be a Foreigner by Birth he is so conversant in the Manners of the English you would swear he had been born here Cau. I grant Father Politico is a Man of a curious Frame and fine Contrivance that he has seen most Foreign Courts and holds Correspondence with 'em but to speak plain there are some things I do not like in him He seems to be too great an Admirer of himself which makes his Conversation nauseous to others by the continual Commendation of himself and is prejudicial to his Plots by robbing him of the Advice and the Corrections of his Friends Besides he is too bold in making use of Foreign Policies in their Courts which for the most part like Trees transplanted from far distant Soiles tho the Fruits there were pleasant yet here they are harsh and crabbed Big I must confess his noble Friend my Lord Britain often tells him so but I cannot perceive 't is true I know indeed some do censure him as too amorous for the Gravity of a Church-man and I cannot deny but he is too â—ascivious and that if he had not such a discreeâ— a Procuress as Mrs. Counterfeit he might iâ—car Sâ—andal by his daily Conversation wiâ—h Woâ—â—en But still I must adore him as a great Prop of the Catholick Cause and must 〈◊〉 all the haste I can to see him immediaâ—ely Exit Bigot Cau And I must find out young Subtleman for some Private Business of my own which is more to the purpose than the Publick Exeunt different ways SCENE II. Turnabout pursued by Mrs. Counterfeit and two or three Whores First Whore Come Mr. Turnabout don't you think we will be bilk'd so it is Mony we want and Mony we will have or we 'll detect your Debaucheries Mrs. Coun. Come Mr. Turnabout I 'm acquainted with the very best of the Fathers they come very often to my House no Disparagement to 'em and I shall soon make them acquainted what an Hypocrite you are Turn Peace you bauling Bitch you Peace Endeavours to stop their Mouths They struggle with him Count. Nay marry come up Peace me no Peace if I had been an Heretick you could not have used me worse than you do I have want of mony and if you don't give it me I shall publish to the World all your Pranks I saith I shall spoil your new Saintship Turn Do you damn'd Whores do your worst the Fathers will not believe any Ill of me First Whore No Ill of thee First we will tell 'em of thy Bastard Child at Hogsden Turn Ay do 't is a brave witty Boy they 'l make him Captain of the Savoy School Second Whore Then we will tell 'em the Story of the naked Woman in the Strand Turn It was a delicate sight the Fathers will wish they had been there themselves Third Whore Then of the Purse you nym'd at Hackney Turn That was to purchase Mony for Absolution the Fathers will thank me for it First Whore Then we will tell 'em of three Whores you pick'd up th' other Night at the Chappel and lay with them all Night at the Feathers Turn Ay do you damn'd Whores you had best tell that I lay with you there too you had so you Jades Second Whore Marry come up indeed lie with us there 't is the very best thing that every thou didst in thy Life the only sign that I know of thy Conversion from the Pocky Twelve-penny Jades of the Town Turn These Whores may spoil my Designs but I must bare up briskly to them Aside No Mony you Jades you I say again no Mony Count. Why then in plain terms Mr. Turnabout my Maidens will instantly repair to Father Bigot and inform him that you bragg'd last Night in your Cups that you were no Catholick but only made the Fathers believe so out of Interest that you fool'd them all with an Opinion of your Sanctity and that when your Turn was serv'd for a Treat of a dozen Bottles of Wine you would turn Heretick again Turn This damn'd Jade has hit the Nail on the head now I dread her Aside Why as for that Hum Why Hum Whilst Turn is humming Bigot walks cross the Stage and spying Turn makes up to him All the Whores clap on their Masks Big O! here I have found the zealous Mr. Turnabout preaching Confession to a Company of Heretical Ladies O that good Man I could cry for Joy but I must speak to him Goes to Turn and claps him on the Shoulderâ—puncâ— who seeing him starts and speaks hastily to the Whores Turn Go you damn'd Jades there 's Mony for you be gone in silence Mis. Count. Well so much shall serve for this time Exeunt Manent Turnabout Bigâ—t Big Pray Son What wast thou doing with those Ladies What preaâ—hing Conversion to them Turn That is a Task fit sor none but your Reverence whose Eloquence might move the very Stones as well as Men I was only a distributing a little Charity to some Catholick Gentlewomen of known Zeal and Vertue Now must I return to the trade of whining Hypocrisy Aside Big I thought indeed I knew the glimpse of one of their Faces well thou art always doing good and I have good News to tell thee Turn What Does the Holy Cause go on prosperously Are the Hereticks confounded Big
If not yet they will be shortly But as I was saying an Express is arrived at Court that a Place of great Trust and Value is fallen vacant in the West and a certain great Statesman having often heard me speaking of your great Zeal and Integrity was pleased to propound you as a Person most fitted for and deserving of it Turn This is most ravishing News indeed How much was Subtleman mistaken Aside Big But I seeing the impending Danger immediately step'd in My Lord said I with submission to your Lordship's better Understanding that you do not rightly apprehend what a kind of Man Mr. Turnabout is Alas said I he is none of those selfish Worldlings that expect Places and Preferments for Reward and under pretence of â—urthering the Catholick Interest seek the Promotion of their own Ends No No your Lordship may find enough of such base Creatures to allure with Places But said I as for Mr. Turnabout his Thoughts aâ—e fix'd upon things of a sublimer Nature It would be the utmost degree of Savage Bubarity to rob him of those precious Minntes which he employs in far more noble Exercises Alas said I my Lord Mr. Turnabout aims at no Honour but that of being a Saint in the Roman Kalendar He knows no Arithmetick but that of telling his Beads He studies no Complements but those that are given to departed Saints in the Missal He cares for no Employment but that of advancing the Câ—tholick Cause gratis Now my Lâ—â—d said I What an inhuman thing would it be 〈◊〉 thrust a Man of his Seraphick Temper into so great a secular Encumbrance where he must be loaded with fulsome Titles of Honour where instead of telling over his Beads he must be counting great Sums of Mony and receive Visits from every Earl and Baron And which is yet worst of all where the Glory of his generosity of serving the Cause gratis will be eclips'd by receiving a visible Reward This is such a Cruelty as ought not to be used towards so good and religious a Man Turn A Pox take this long-winded Paraphrastical Blockhead he has made Speech enough to ruin all my hopes But I must forbear my railing Aside And what then Sir Big Then said I my Lord there is one Mr. Subtleman that is wavering between two Opinions we had best procure it him it may perhaps fix him on the right Side And accordingly it was done this Morning Turn What cursed Luck 's this I have over-acted the part of an Hypocrite and am now sensible of my Error But I must persist till I can gain my End Aside I must confess my Devotion is chiefly my yet I could wish I had an opportunity to serve the Publick in an higher Station Big Yes I know that therefore said I my Lord there are some Gentlemen that have undertaken to serve the Publick Gratis in an Honourable Employ though with great Expence and Charges Mr. Turnabout said I is the fittest Man in the World to make one of those It is but expending a brace of thousand Pounds and you will gain immortal Honour Turn A Pox take this damn'd Rogue this is worse and worse I know not what to say or do Aside Big Well what do you say to this Turn Lord Sir I am struck with admiration of your Goodness and could not readily find an Answer Big Well then meet me at Father Politico's Lodgings at Two this Afternoon and there you shall know farther and hear there the finest Plots and Contrivance and know our Secrets In the mean time adieu Exit Turn I must tack about and let the Fathers understand that I am not that puny whining Fellow that they imagine but how to do it on a sudden I can't tell unless Fortune does savour but I must try Exit Lady Leucasia and Betty Leu. And art thou sure that Turnabout has been such a Baby to be spirited away by these Priests that â—ake up and down after Fools and Knaves as if they were the only precious Commodity of the Nation Betty I should think Madam if they thought so they would do well to transport some of them to foreign Countries but instead of that they daily import great numbers of 'em But I can assure your Ladyship Mr. Turnabout has the repute of a very zealous Catholick The Fathers all adore him and he can't miss shortly of being a very great Man Leu. Then I pity the poor Wretch more than ever a Man that sells his Soul to the Devil in a fair and legal way where Writings are drawn and seal'd some valuable Consideration given and the Forfeiture of the Bond taken when the Time is fully expir'd does not act much more irrational than he that for hopes of Preferment binds himself ever to act an indefinite number of pious Villainies according to the Directions of the Fathers especially at a time when they have so much Work to do Betty But pray Madam how comes your Ladyship to be so much concerned for him now When he made his Addresses to you you received him with all the Disdain imaginable Leu. I begin to love him because I hate them and am loth that they should be the better for my Leavings Tho there is little fear that any Society should be the better for him Betty You blame him for his Conversion and the World blames you for they say his only Motive was to gain some Preferment to render himself worthy of your Love Leu. Therefore I am bound in Honour to make him weary of his Profession till he renounce it and be placed where he was at first Betty But if you concern your self so far the World will conclude for certain that you are in love with him Leu. The World 's an Ass or it would never be trampled and tamely rod by a Priest I care not what the World thinks or does I go presently to Father Politico's Lodgings and there give such a Character oâ— Mr. Turnabout as shall make them drive 〈◊〉 from their Society And then the pooâ—â—â—etch will be so humble and look so 〈…〉 Betty Pray Madam 〈…〉 â—hat you do Leu. Pray Hussy 〈…〉 â—â—t you say and never give you◠〈…〉 wâ—en there is more need Get 〈…〉 Lodgings here ready in the Savoy and tâ—en shall you see how I will plague these Bald-pated Vermine I le make them for ever tremble at the very Name of Leucasia Betty I 'le do it but I can perceive no End Leu. It is End enough to free a Man that has pretended to love me from Slavery and Confinement I am sure Turnabout has that antipathy to all Religion that the very Shadow of it as 't is said of a certain Tree is enough to kill the Viper Whether I love or no I pity him so far as I do him that Service For Of all the Men by God and Nature curs'd Surely the fawning Hypocrite is worst To his compar'd the Player's Life is ease He always Acts They only when they please Exeunt ACTUS II.
born Slaves by some peculiar Influence of the Heavens or whether Custom has made that Yoke to be easie or whether that servile disposition is deriv'd from Father to Son by some unperceivable manner of Tradition the Cause is uncertain but the Effect is plain But to think English-men to be easily kept in subjection because foreigners can is as good Logick as to conclude a Lion dares not fight because a Sheep is a timorous Creature Pol. I perceive your Lordship is not skill'd in the Politicks I can give you several reasons why there is no danger in the dreaded number of the Hereticks For first they want an Head and what alas is Body without an Head There 's one for you L. Britt Your Argument is Metaphorical but not conclusive It is true these popular Insurrections that are rais'd by the Power or Interest of one particular Man are soon quell'd when the Head is once remov'd for the Cause taken away the Effect ceases But where the cause of discontent is general an Head is never wanting for many hands make light work Pol. Then again ' The Hereticks want Councel and Conduct Alas all their Great Men are bred in the English Court and know nothing of the French and Italian Finesses There are no men in the world excepting those of my Order that understand the true Methods and Principles of Government Alas your English Lords are troubled with scruples of Conscience and pretend to tenderness and good nature and think themselves always oblig'd to stick to the immutable Rules of Honour and talk of Just and Unjust and I know not what whimseys They don't consider that it is impossible for a States-man to accomplish any great Designs that boggles at any sort of means that are conducing to his End tho never so unjust and cruel L. Britt I wish you do not find those Lords which you so much despise to be Masters of more Policy than is consistent with the good of the Catholick Cause Pol. Pshaw Pshaw never fear it When all 's done we have an Army to defend us L. Britt An Army sympathizes with the major part of the Nation out of which they are taken and what raises Jealousies in the One is sure to raise Discontents in the Other Heaven send we may never stand in need of that Pol. Pshaw pshaw your Lordship is too timorous L. Britt angry No man but what 's defended by a Gown dares tell me so Once more farewell And when you see all England in a flame youâ— selves pursued to the water-side and offering all your Treasure for a Boat when Catholicks are driven from their Houses and made the Object of a publick scorn remember then I had no hand in this Pol. And when you see the Triumphs of our Cause all bending low unto the See of Rome the Heretiâ—ks or forced to comply or roving up and down the world for Bread but finding none when this you live to see remember well that mine is the contrivance 't is I propos'd the End and found the Means shap'd the Tools and perfected the Work and mine 's the Honour L. Britt May it be so I leave the Honour and the Danger unto you Farewell I 've done my best Exit Pol. Well this Lord is honest but Master of extreme wrong Notions in Policy as if he had been bred under some Calvinistical Pedant that never read Machiavel But I must now lay aside thoughts of State-affairs and mind the grand Concerns of softer Love Leucasid's eyes have shot a â—re into my breast which nothing but her self can extinguish If I can enjoy her in the peâ—â—on of a discarded Officer I shall look upon it as my greatest â—â—iess For as there is greater art in making a Chain for a Flea than an Elephant so there is something more skill inâ—subduing the heart of a Woman than in subverting a Kingdom Enter Mrs. Counterseit O Mrs. Counterfeit you 're welcome most heartily welcome What news Count. O the most obliging News in the World Leucasâ—a is yours your Plots take to admiration I vow you don't act fairly to outwit a Woman in her own Profession Read this Gives him a Letter he reads The account you give of thaâ— Noble Person and his suffering in so good a Cause will not permit me to be cruel I honour such 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and if it is his desire to 〈◊〉 kâ—â—wn to me any part of his grievances he shall find an hoâ—â—rable and kind reception from Yours Leucasia Pol. Why look you Mrs. Câ—unterfeit did not I tell you that nothing could resist my Policy Here 's a Lady that hates our Religion and in particular my Order and Person Now who but my self could extract good out of so much evil and make her aversion a step to enjoy her Count. If you are as quick in Execution as fine in Projection that will soon be done Or if you should be put to the trouble to ravish or so if opportunity favours your disguise is your security Pol. There thou hitt'st the Nail on the head my disguise is ready you shall go in and see it fitted Count. I wait your Commands but you must go incognito without any Equipage Pol. Pray Mrs. Counterfeit leave the contriving part to me I think I am Master of that Count. And you must be sure to aggravate the Ingratitude of Priests and Jesuits Pol. What still moving beyond your station must the Spring rise higher than the Fountain-head have you not learn'd all this from me and do you pretend to teach Count. No indeed I have not learn'd all from you my Mother and my good Grandmother and my Aunt and my great Aunt taught me a great deal and I have had 50 years experience so that you might trust a little to my Judgment Pol. Then you will pretend to direct me Count. No an 't please your Reverence I will not pretend to that You do excel me and all mankind in the mysterious arts of Love I must most humbly acknowledge it to be so Pol. Then follow me and remember the contriving part is mine the executive we must share between us Exeunt Scene changes to Leucasia ' s Lodgings Enter Leucasia and Turnabout Leu. You see how far I have condesoended to cure your capricious humour tho I must confess your carriage to me and your hair-brain'd Jealousie does deserve my scorn or rather is below it Turn I confess my error and am ready to redeem your lost favour with my Sword What is it you will command Leu. A certain pretended Lord is pleas'd to think me a very fit person to be his Whore Now what would you do in vindication of my Honour Turn Oh very little Perhaps I might only cut his Throat or whip him through the Lungs or some such trifle Neither more nor less Leu. No that 's too much But I suppose that if he should refuse to draw you would grudge him the pains to kick him or assist my Servants in tossing him in a Blanket
Turn No by heavens I would not Good Madam tell me When where and how I shall serve you you shall see with what zeal I 'll do it Leu. You must retire immediately into this Closet and not stir till the Signal be given This is the least Penance I can impose for your Jealousie and other high misdemeanors and I suppose herein I am not so rigid as the Fathers Turn Fy Fy Good Madam tell me no more of the Fathers they are meer Babies and Children I care no more for the Fathers than I do for the Indian Bramines or Tuâ—kish Mufâ—â— unless it be for my own ends for tho that Beldame Counterfeit was pleas'd to give your Ladiship an account that they inâ—â—nded to fool me yet I can assure you I find as great encouragement as any New Convert of 'em all Leu. I will tell thy true Character Thy Love makes thee greedy of Estate and Honour and the greediness of Estate and Honour make thee love so much the more eagerly now to cure this vicious circulation of humours I will first make thee weary of poaching after the Fathers by rendring thee odious to them and then as for Love you know the last remedy for that Turn Phu phu Politico is so much my Friend thou canst never render me odious to him Leu. Yes I will in the space of half an hour Turn 'T is not an Age and a half can do it Will you venture your Maidenhead upon that Bett Leu. Yes I wou'd if you had one to stake against it Turn Prethee what dost talk of one I have had an hundred in my time Leu. Ay but they are now all vanish'd and become as invisible as your 20 Mannors Turn That 's true indeed But to be serious if you have a mind to convert me you may find a nearer way it is but taking me to your self for ever and then I will soon bid adieu to all the Gang of pedantical Fathers Leu. But my resolution is to make thee weary of that Society without making use of that dangerous Matrimonial Remedy And if I do it not then say my wit has fail'd me Turn And if you do redeem me from that Gang without paying your self for my Ransom then say that I am not Master of Wit Resolution Common Sense or Reason Enter Betty Betty Madam here 's a Person of Quality at the door in a Coach Leu. That 's the man bid him come up Now Mr. Turnabout if you mean ever to purchase my Love by using him very scurvily retire into the next Room and stir not unless he offer force or I give the signal Turn Let me alone for that Goes into the Closet Leu. Now this fool Politico will think that I don't know him in his disguise but heaven be prais'd I am ready for his reception Enter Politico in a very rich Commander's Habit. Pol. Madam I 'm come to throw my self at your feet for pardon I presume Mrs. Counterfeit has acquainted you with my Person and Character Leu. My Lord if your intentions are not criminal it is superfluous to ask a Pardon Besides the Character I received of your Person and the account of your Sufferings in so good a Cause place you above all formalities of that nature I have rather reason to admire at your Lordship's condescension to one so much your Inferior in Quality and Honour Pol. I must confess none ever served the Protestant Cause with greater Zeal and Integrity and this drew upon me the envy of Politico Bigot and others which occasion'd my removal from Court but still my very Ruins are above the pity of the very best of them and it lies in your Ladiships Power to build up the highest degree of human felicity Leu. My Lord I can never enough reflect upon the baseness and ingratitude of those Priests towards your Lordship and other worthy Patriots but I am fill'd with horror and amazement that a Person of your Worth Courage Conduct and Fidelity should be undermin'd by such a raskally Crew of fantastical Priests as Politico Bigot Cautious and Mackdonnel a Gang of whimsical nonsensical Blockheads that look as odly in the Court as a Skull in the Presence-Chamber whose whole skill lies in Books and that too no farther than Title-pages and perhaps if some special Roguery does require it they may proceed to the Index and so begin that as they do all other things at the wrong end And Pol. Nay good Lady proceed no farther I forgive my Enemies and you know my business here is Love and not Revenge Now must I hear my-self rail'd at and say nothing Aside Leu. My Lord I cannot but admire your Generosity in forgiving your Enemies but I will take the liberty to tell you that They and especially Politico are of all things my aversion Pol. But yet I hope you will grant that Politico is the very best the top and flower of them all Leu. I vow my Lord I am of a quite contrary Opinion for first as to his person Pol. Nay good Lady let his Person alone it will never hurt you Leu. I will assure you the remembrance of his Person does hurt me this very moment it was such a filthy spectacle Spits His Meen and Air so affectedly odd and boyish his Eyes Lustful and if I may say it Goatish his Hands clumsie his Head lumpish nothing good but his Voice which did a little resemble with your Lordships and make an attonement for his other Enormities Sure this will sting him Aside Pol. Come Madam be not so Satyrical upon the famous Politico tho my Enemy the Habit of an Order does oftentimes disfigure a most excellent Shape and Meen but be that what it will you must needs grant Politico to be the greatest States-man in the World and a man of the finest Contrivance in Europe All his Enemies confess him to be a wise man Leu. I know he esteems himself so but the world has a different Opinion of him Would a wise man throw off such a worthy gallant Gentleman as your self that are steddy by a Principle of Duty to make room for mercenary Slaves that know no higher Equity than Interest Would a wise man encourage Lying Dissimulation and Hypocrisy in others when he knows not how soon they may make use of the same Arts to his own Distruction Would a wise Man punish or deride others for their Constancy Loyalty and Fidelity to secure a Government which needs must perish without them Do you think I say my Lord all this to be the part of a wise Man Pol. Good Lady talk no more of Politico my business is Love Leu. And how can I more effectually express my Love to your Person and Merits than by railing at those Enemies of yours that have â—ast such a Cloud upon them Good my Lord join with me in a few innocent Curses against Father Politico and all his Gang that have done you this insupportable Injury Pol. Pray Madam excuse me from Cursing I
thou arâ— a Villain and I viâ—ely suspect thou hast something in thee of the Fool and that 's enough for my purpose To Foot Carry him away Pol. You will repent of it Oh! Murther Murther They carry him off by Force Enter Leucasia Betty Sir Geo. Bigot Cautious and Mackdonnel Leu. Gentlemen I sent for you hither to make known the shame of the fam'd Politico who came hither in disguise to rob me of my Honour and I hope I have given you such ocular demonstration as has left no room for doubt Sir Geo. Thou art a brave Girl I faith I love revenge and mischief when it is to the purpose Mack Yesh by my shoul and I do love mischief wid all my heart when dere is no hearme in in it Big It cannot be that Politico should be guilty of such a crime who has labour'd so abundantly in the propagation of the Catholick Cause It must be the delusion of some evil spirit that has put on the shape and habit of Politico to bring this disgrace on our Cause and Order Let me come near him with my Exorcisms and I will make him confess as much Leu. If he should confess himself a Devil he would confess the truth Sir Geo. Superstition is incurable and blind Zeal does seldom recover its sight Has not my Neece shewed you the Jewels sent by his own Hand Cau. A good Man may sometimes be taken in a fault but to be so very prodigal as to give away Jewels of that value is a wickedness that I think to be unpardonable Big Come Brother let 's go and comfort Politico under this disgrace Cau. Ay that 's better than to stay here to become spectators of our own Besides I 've Money to receive Big Farewell and remember none ever provok'd our Order unreveng'd Cau. And don't think the World will believe this scandal for we will swear it is false Mack Yesh it ish falsh very falsh Leu. What is false Mack What is falsh by my shoul I 've forgat vatâ—ish dat vas falsh but I 'm sure it vas someting Leu. Ha ha ha ha Cau. Come let 's repair to Politico it is vain to stay here Exeunt Three Priests Enter Turnabout Turn Now Madam I hope my business is quite done I 've gain'd my own ends by Politico who seems to be all melted into Love with my charming conversation and I 've helped your Ladiship in distress which gives me some pretensions unto your favour Leu. It is natural for Men to err and I perceive you are not altogether free from that human frailty you build much upon your friendship with Politico which is now at an end you must expect nothing from him but Revenge and Malice for he is the very person in disguise whom you have so plentifully kick'd and toss'd in a Blanket Turn A Pox on 't 't is impossible Sir Geo. Good Mr. Turnabout speak not impertinently I do know it is so Turn ' Ounds this is a Trick I never thought on Leu. Since you doubt follow me and I 'le soon convince you Turn I 'le wait on you but I am all amazement Exeunt Sir Geo. And I will go and try one Plot as old as I am Here Jack Knockâ— Enter Servant Serv. Sir Sir Geo. Go immediately to Kensington and turn my Horse loose with Bridle and Saddle raise a report that I am missing and as you believe Muâ—thered and to be sure you Dog be secret Or Serv. Lord Sir How shall I tell such a Lie I never told a Lie in my Life an 't please your Honour Sir Geo. You Dog you can tell nothing else Do it or I 'll cut your Throat Serv. Since your Honour will have it so I 'll try Exit Sir Geo. By this device I hope to understand how far my Son is infected with Jesuitical Principles For if he is far gone I shall discard him for ever Youth quickly learns the Vices of the Town Swiftly they come and swiftly pass away But crimes infus'd by the more sober Gown Are much more black and make a longer stay Exit ACT V. The Scene changes to Politico ' s Lodgings Enter Politico Bigot Cautious Mackdonnel Pol. ARe ye sure then Leucasia knew me Big She call'd us to be spectators of your shame Pol. Was ever man thus baffled in Amour by the sole malignity of Fortune for you must needs grant that the Plot was well laid Big Be not dejected this Blanketting is a lively representation of Great mens Fortunes sometimes up and sometimes down There is never any great Exaltation but there is danger of a sudden Depression this you knew before to be true by Speculation and now receive a confirmation from palpable Experience Cau. Ay but to be kick'd up and down like a Football that was rude Big The Poets and Philosophers compare the Life of Man to a Game at Tennis The World is the Tennis-court and men are the Balls which the Fates toss up and down with Rackets But great men like great Foot-balls are kicked up and down with greater violence The sâ—ock was rude but the embâ—em is good and useful Pol. Alas I don't value a little Blanketing or Kicking But to have a Plot disappointed that grieves me Mack By my shoul my dear Joy de dishappointment ish not so great for tho thow didst not get into the Lady's Bed thou didst get possession of the Blanket and that is something Ha ha Pol. And do you think that Turnabout knew me Cau. Not then but now I presume he does Pol. Then will I be reveng'd on him Big But how Pol. By giving him good words raising his hopes making him spend the remainder of his small fortune in expectation of great things and then doing for him just nothing at all And then for Leucasia Big Ay prethee what canst contrive against that pestilent Heretick Pol. I have one of the finest Plots in the World if thou wilt but assist me Big To be reveng'd on Leucasia is to do good to the publick and I will refuse no labour to accomplish that Pol. Then this it is You hear the Rabble are in some violent commotions against the Men of our Persuasion and Order Cau. So great that I have hid all my Trunks in your dark Cellar Pol. You Bigot shall put on a Porters Frock and excite them to all manner of Indignities Big Against whom Pol. Against all Romanists and especially against my self Big And what then Pol. Why I will repair under pretence of shelter to Leucasia's Lodgings And there will scatter Books and Pictures that are peculiar to our way then you shall bring down the Rabble to search for me precisely at Nine of the Clock I will be gone before that time and so you with your wonted Eloquence shall make the whole storm light upon Leucasia Big Brother you must excuse me it is not for the good of the Cause Pol. Brother you are mistaken I can demonstrate it to be the surest and securest way to