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A12957 Essayes and characters, ironicall, and instructiue The second impression. With a new satyre in defence of common law and lawyers: mixt with reproofe against their common enemy. With many new characters, & diuers other things added; & euery thing ammended. By Iohn Stephens the yonger, of Lincolnes Inne, Gent.; Satyrical essayes characters and others Stephens, John, fl. 1613-1615. 1615 (1615) STC 23250; ESTC S117830 122,073 444

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were ordained to beguile or betray hee loues not therefore to salute or be saluted He will refuse gifts that come from reconciled foes and thinkes an iniurie can neuer be forgotten On equall termes likewise he is hartily vnwilling to receiue except in glory he can ouer-value his deserts by thinking he hath deserued tenne times more A selfe-respect and a disdaine of others be his nourishing vices So he chuses rather to loose a bargaine then to become a debtor for he holds it more honour and pollicy to steale then to be beholding If you enquire his health or the times newes hee dares protest you are an impertinent or a shallow companion He may be called Barbarons by the same reason that Barbary was calld Barbarie for hee doth alwaies murmur Other mens triumph is his sorrow other mens sorrow his trumph for in his conscience he hath reioyced neuer if not in the mis-fortuns of some or all The least aduersity makes him thinke vpon a halter and if you perswade him to patience by remembring others crosses or the necessity of trouble in this life he will be worse madded with your councell then with his affliction His councells and instructions makes him shew most like a Chimney set on fire consisting of ranke sootie choler which doth enflame and harden whomsoeuer he deales with not warme nor molifie with comforts and perswasions It is better to perish then to craue his helpe for he limits himselfe only to negatiues His entertainments be a fierce dogge to bid you welcome a currish voice to confirme it and the way is open for a fare-well The first two be apparant the latter he intends So doth he embrace acquaintance or neighbours but impotent people he threatens in another kinde with Whippe stocks Beadle they onely be his familiars defenders His Dog and hee are the onely good fellowes and his dogge proues the better man by being more tractable He will preuent you in a commodity and giue more as also hee dares discredit any thing or any not with a meaning to commend his own but to endammage others Hee will bee shauen all waies to the best helpe of a deformity And though his actions will soone verifie the character yet he will more mis-shape nature by ill-fauoured Linnen a greasie Felt garments made for the purpose as if hee meant to discouer himselfe by the fore-head least hee should not bee knowne quickly Hee is vnsatisfied vpon the smallest wrong and will rather take the lawes assignement though a trifle then be content with large composition yet none doth more grumble against the Law-professors Hee listens to the death of great Personages as a Butchers dogge to the Oxes slaughter reioycing to be glutted with his entrailes or vices seeing hee is not bettred by his body of worth the best food It ●…attens him to heare a prodigalls consumption though hee partakes nothing in the Bootie If you fasten a guift vpon him his thankes bee liberall though he doth not requite if hee doth not brand you with an insinuating Title Yet in extremity of his humour hee is so farre as he thinkes from being vncharitable as hee makes the charity of Coūsell Purse or 〈◊〉 things that would 〈◊〉 ●…ittle thanke for his labour and so he practises them vnder the ranke of such things as doe not concern him He saith therefore Meddle with me when I meddle with you So that if shame prouokes his wealth to inuite strangers hee hath no bountiful meaning but a resolution to liue by broken meate long after which doth not sauour well except it bee mouldy that and himselfe therefore should be spent sooner otherwise they grow visibly odious but himselfe more odious then that CHARACT XIX An Athiest IS no reasonable Man For hee will sooner embrace a superficiall col●… 〈◊〉 in things of moment the●… 〈◊〉 into direct causes As for obuious common accidents he neuer lookes vpon them so much with reason as vpon matters of course In all he doth desire hee is little better then a Beast fore-casting onely to make a good temporall successe satisfie himselfe by his owne proiects he is therfore no reasonable man because no religious man For Heathens and Barbarians haue from the beginning been worshippers of somwhat There needes no better directiō to know there is a God then to knowe that an Atheist is Gods enemy If thou canst seeme to bee familiar with him enter into the extremities of ill fortune or begin to speake of great mens funerals or honest mens persecutions hee will instātly discouer what he beleiues being bolde enough to speake plainly if thou canst apprehēd that vertue innocence crafty dealing are alike rewarded That wicked and religious men haue no differēce but the Name That wronges may lawfully if without danger apparant bee repelled with worse wronges and that therfore it argues basenesse of spirit to contemne any preferment of aduantage That expectation of other wh●…re ioy is already present were dotage or madnesse and that honesty which exceeds common forme is singularity From which Arguments you may draw the cōclusion If hee reserues these precepts among strangers his practise will verifie the pattern Take this for a foundation Euery Atheist is a self-pleasing Epicure though they be not cōuertible If he inclines more to Epicurisme then policy this watch-word will be frequent in his cups Hoc est vivere hoc est vivere But you may still obserue that hee contends to wash away all care with company discourse laughter as if he knew his vsurious creditor a guilty conscience waited to expostulate with him at an aduantage One therfore of this proportiō is more liable to the Law but lesse dangerous to the common-wealth Hee bringes most villany that feeles the disease inward and confutes his owne obiections with salacious doctrine He liues much about the fountaine of Iniquity and therfore he must propoud that those streames of custome be tolerable or leaue his profession Hee hath a naturall flourish for super-natural accidents He turnes Diuinity into colourable inuentions of Philosophy Hee knowes euery thing vnder the name of a naturall body hee beleeues Nature to be an inuisible power which intended generation for corruption and corruption for generation Hee distinguishes bodies into simple and compound and makes creation a vulgar proiect obedient to the harmony of elements Then if hee knowes the meaning of Homogenea Hetrogenea of corpus imperfecté mixtū and perfecté mixtū hee remaines largely satisfied As for the causes of terrible events hee apprehends the power of Exhalations Meteors Comets the Antiperistasis which very names are able to forbid all further inquisition Hee goes not therefore beyond himselfe such as him●…elfe for an authority and hee esteemes it more conuenient to thinke there is a reason in nature then to trouble his brain with finding another when it exceeds his positions He neuer was taken for a friend in society neither can he bestow loue because he
mistake brown paper for Littletons Tenures canuas and Red Herrings for his Fathers hopp bagges and Lent prouision I need not say hee will be valorous for Parasites Gony-catchers know he oftentimes can see he hath been cheated yet his modesty will not suffer him to inforce satisfactiō He is the cōmon stocke of Roaring boyes and Sharkes to remedy their wants A bigg protestariō makes him ye old to any man of outside that will borrow as soon as ten theiues with swords and pistols So that hee is good for nothing but to blunten a Cheaters pollicy because he is catcht with so little paines taking A Spiders thred will catch him an easie charme will strip him naked Hee will much wonder at a triuiall event and thinkes it Witch-craft to foresee disaduantage As for the world Religion or naturall causes he can enquire of them but difficultly beleiue reason In the shutting vp therefore of his folly hee doth confesse the Character leaues it to succession CHARACT XVII An Epicure IS the picture of Some-body or a man of two sences the Eye the Palate for his smelling property is stuffed with the vapours of a full stomacke his hands are the instruments of his mouth no sences and the belly hath no ●…ares but a trusse to support it He is his owne Taylor thinks directly that more expences belong to the linings then to the outside Hee will grow frends with any man that serues his stomacke If he reads the fable in Aesop how the members conspir'd against the belly he growes empty with conceite of it and in reuenge I thinke makes the belly conspire against the members He cannot stirre in businesse without a Coach or a Litter and then hee is suddenly interrupted if the clocke strikes Eleuen Hee is whatsoeuer some thinke a good Physition for his owne body for hee still riseth from the Table with an appetite and is soone ready for another meale of dainties If hee bee a Lawyer the best meates will soonest corrupt his carkasse and his conscience for he feeds immoderately and will doe much for a brace of Pheasants If hee bee a Diuine he preaches all Charity and discōmends Gentlemen extreamely because they leaue House-keeping He thinks his bed the best study and therfore speakes well in the praise of stretching meditations He accounts Cookery a delicate science and preferres the knowledge of confectionary receipts to which purpose nothing passes through the throat till he takes particular notice of the ingredients He is troubled much to thinke how hee may most readily shorten his life not perceiue the reason Therefore hee reuolues continually what may bee most conuenient for the taste and hurtfull for the stomacke He inuites himselfe to much prouender by accident of visitation though hee comes with a resolued policy But hee scornes blushing like a cōmon smell-feast vpon true reason For modest bloud being clarified and pure cannot finde way through inch-deepe fatt when it is call'd to answere Hee prouokes many solemne meetings vnder the title of Hospitality whē hee makes himselfe by these meanes fitter for an Hospitall Hee is contented to bestow broken meate among poore folkes but no money for he loues not to depart with that in which himselfe hath been no taster He is the noted foe of famine and yet hee is daily imployed about the procreation of a dearth for the value of nothing is beyond his ability if hee hath present money though no more then enough to discharge the present commodity or credite to make men trust vpon executors Hee hath heightned the price of out-Landish-fruits hath purchased the generall name to our Countrey of Sweet-mouth'd English-men Marrow-pyes Potato-rootes Eringoes and a cup of Sacke bee his chiefest Restoratiues and comfortable Phisicke Hee makes no dinner without a second course He is ouer ruled more by his teeth then his appetite For when they growe weary he leaues feeding falls to drinking which argues vnlesse I mistake a larger capacity of Stomacke then Vnderstanding But hee doth or should tremble to see meate stuft with Parsely because it represents a Coarse laid out for buriall He keeps a high point of statelinesse in carriage for hee delights rather in a subtill ●…latterer or secretary that giues good elbowe attendance then to heare himselfe discourse or any who neglects to feed his humour either with commendations or vailing reuerence to his high fortunes or with licentious fables and derisions of his opposites If dinner bee ended and you desire to conuerse with him you must tarry till he be awake for his vast chaire a downy couch and chiefly a fine capable seat in the Church that may confront the Preacher are three easie common receptacles for his full stomack None resembles death in sleepe so fitly yet none makes lesse morall For indeede his sleeps are full of stinke and rottennes and so secure that they rather proue death it selfe then a remembrance It is reported how Cambletes the gluttonous King of Lydia deuoured in a ●…reame his wife while she lay sleeping together in the same bed and finding her hand betweene his teeth when he awaked he slew himselfe fearing dishonour which story is intended I thinke an epicures morall for in his idle dreaming life he will deuour a wiues portion when he hath consumed all to fragments he wakens and fearing discredit dyes vnto the world by liuing obscurely or pines away in sorrow Briefly being true English hee will abhorre thirst hunger because he scornes a Spaniard and his properties CHARACT XVIII A Churle IS the superflaity of solemne behauiour And was intended for an allay to fifty light Iouiall constitutions but Nature being then otherwise employed hee was against her will made a monstrous lump of Humanity through the negligence of her hand-maids good nutriment and education or the malice of her enemies Sorrowes and a●…frightment Hee is the vnsociable sonne of Saturne that lookes strangely at the face of man as if he were another thing then himselfe Hee thinkes to be familiar is to betray himselfe and that the world might plentifully be inhabited by him onely and a couple of drudges If you be ciuill he saith you are phantasticke and friendly language he termes slattery His learning and aduise be a company of miserable prouerbs much of this making a foole his money is soone parted Wise enough to keepe his owne store is no sore light gaines make a heauy purse bring not a noble to ninepence He speakes of sparing as if he fitted himselfe to beg in a grate and pray passengers to spare their charitable almes And hee doth readily consent to the prisoners when they beg in that language You may offend your selfe and him lesse if you kill him right out then if you discourse with him halfe an houre No estate no aduancement can remoue his humour for he doth not liue whilst he liues not discontented but sleeps or coūterfeits He thinkes salutations