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cause_n body_n know_v soul_n 2,162 5 5.1925 4 true
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A20038 The bachelers banquet: or A banquet for bachelers vvherein is prepared sundry daintie dishes to furnish their tables, curiously drest, and seriously serued in. Pleasantly discoursing the variable humours of vvomen, their quicknesse of wittes, and vnsearchable deceits. Dekker, Thomas, ca. 1572-1632, attributed name.; La Sale, Antoine de, b. 1388?, attributed name.; Tofte, Robert, 1561-1620, attributed name. 1604 (1604) STC 6477; ESTC S115691 61,544 79

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good-man let them say what they list we are neuer a whit the worse for their words we haue enough to doe with our money though we spend it not in apparell you knowe wife when we met together we had no great store of houshold stuffe but were fain to buy t●… afterward by some and some as God sent mony and yet you see we want many things that is necessary to be had besides the quarter day is neere and my Landlord you know will not forbeare his rent moreouer you see how much it costs me in law about the recouering of the Tenement which I should haue by you God send me to get it quickly or els I shall haue but a bad bargaine of it for it hath already almost cost me as much as it is worth At these words his wiues coller begins to rise whereupon she makes h●… this answere Iesus God saith she when you haue nothing else to hit me in the téeth withall yée twit me with the Tenement but it is my fortune Why how now wife saith her husband are you now angry for nothing Nay I am not angry I must be content with that which God hath ordained for me but I wis the time was when I might haue bene better aduised there are some yet liuing that would haue bene glad to haue me in my smock whom you know well enough to be propper young men and therewithall wise and wealthy but I verily suppose I was bewitcht to match with a man that loues me not though I purchased the ill will of all my friends for his sake this is all the good that I haue gotten thereby I may truly say I am the most vnhahpy woman in the world doe you thinke that Law Tom. N. M. who were both suters to me doe kéepe their wiues so no by cochs body for I know the worst cloathes that they cast off is better then my very best which I weare on the cheifest dayes in the yeere I know not what the cause is that so many good women die but I would to God that I were dead too that I might not troble you no more seeing I am such an eie sore vnto you Now by my faith wife saith he you say not well there is nothing that I thinke too good for you if my abillitie can compasse it But you knowe our estate we must doe as we may not as we would yet be of good cheare and turne to me and I will straine my selfe to please you in this or any other thing Nay for Gods sake let me alone I haue no mind on such matters and if you had no more desire therto then I I promise you you wou'd neuer tuch me No wife saith he hoping so with a iest to make hee mery by my honestie I sweare I verily thinke that if I were dead you would not be long without another husband No maruaile sure saith she I lead such a good life with you now By my christian soule I sweare there should neuer man kisse my lipps againe And if I thought I should liue long with you I would vse meanes to make my selfe away herewithall she puts finger in the eye making shew as though she wept Thus plaies she with the sillie sot her husband meaning nothing lesse then to doe as she saies while he poore foole is in mind both wel and ill apaid he thinkes himselfe well because he imagines hee of a cold constitution and therefore exceeding chast he thinkes himselfe ill to sée her fained teares for that he verily supposes she loues him which doth not a little gréeue him being so kind and tender hearted Therefore he vseth all meanes possible to make her quiet neither wil he giue her ouer till he hath effected it But she prosecuting her former purpose which she hath alreadie set in so faire a forwardnes makes as though she were nothing moued with his gentle perswasions Therefore to crosse him she gets her vp betimes in the morning sooner a great deale then she was wont pouting and lowring all the day not giuing him one good word But when night comes and they againe both in bed laying her selfe sullenly downe and continuing still silent the good man harkens whether she sléep or no feeles if she be wel couered or not he softly plucks vp the cloaths vpon her lapping her warme being dubble diligent to please her ying all this while winking noting his kindnes and carefulnes towards her séemes on a suddaine to awake from a sound sléepe gruntling and ●…ssing under the shéets giuing him occasion thereby thus to begin How now swéet hart what are you a sléepe A sléepe saith she I faith sir no a troubled mind can neuer take good rest Why womā are you not quie yet No doubt saith she you care much whether The or no. By lady wife and so I doe and since yesternight I haue bethought me hauing well considered your words that it is very meete and requisite that you should be better furnished with apparell then heretofore you haue bene for indéed I must confesse thy cloaths are too simple And therfore I mean against my cousin M. wedding which you know wil be shortly that you shall haue a new gowne made on the bell fashion with all things sutable thereunto in such sort that the best woman in the parish shall not passe you Nay quoth she God willing I mean to go to no weddings this twelue moneths for the goodly credit I got by the last By my faith ●…aith he but you shall what you must not be so headstrong and selfe-wild I tell you if I say the word you shall goe and you shall want nothing that you aske or require That I aske alas husband quoth she I aske nothing neither did I speake this for any desire that I haue to goe braue trust me for mine o●…ne part I care not if I neuer stirre abroad saue onely to church but what I said was vpon the spéeches which were there vset and such other like words which my gossip N. told me that she had also heard in company where she was With these words y e good kind foole her husband is netted for on the one side he considers his sundry other occasions to vse meney and his small store thereof which is perhaps so stender that his single purse cannot extempery change a double pistolet And so ill bested is he of houshold stuffe that perhaps the third part is not a sufficiēt pawne for so much money as this new suite of his wiues will stand him in But on the other side he waighes her discontent the report of neighbours spéeches and lastly how good a wife he hath of her how chast how louing how religious whereof the kind Asse hath such an opinion that he thankes God with all his heart for blessing him with such a Iewell In this thought he resolues that all other things set aside he must and will content her And here with all
tende you the worse you are But you were neuer other alwayes brawling and neuer quiet neuer pleased full nor fasting I thinke neuer woman was so long troubled with a crooked Postle as I haue bene Ah Dame saith he leaue these words I pray you then turning him to his eldest sonne he saide Sonne I haue marueld at your vehauiour of late toward mee and I tell you I am not well pleasad therewith You are my eldest and shall be mine heire if you behaue your selfe as a childe ought to doe But you begin already to take state vpon you and to dispose of my goods at your pleasure I would not wish you to bee so forward but rather while I liue to serue and obey mee as it becomes you to doe I haue bene no bad Father vnto you I haue nothing impaired or diminished but increast that which was left me by my Father which i●… you doe your dutie to mee as I did mine to him I will leaue to you after my decease as hee left to mee but if you continue in your stubbornnesse and disobedience before God I swe●…re I will not bestowe one pennie or crosse vpon thee Héere his Wife begins againe to thwart him Why what would you haue him doe It is impossible for any one to please you h●…e shall haue enough to doe that shall alwa●…es tend you I wis it is high time that you and I were both in Heauen you know not your sélfe what would you haue I ●…maruell what you ayle Well well saith hee I pray you bee quiet doe not maintaine him thus against mee but it is alwayes your order After this the Mother and Sonne departing consult together and conclude that hee is become a Childe againe and because hee hath threatned to disinherite them they resolue that no man shall bee suffered to come and speake with him His Sonne takes vpon him more then before being borne out by his Mother who together with him makes euery one belieue that the Poore man is become childish and that hee hath lost both his sense and memorie If any of his honest Friendes and former acquaintance which were woont to resort vnto him come now to a●…e for him his Wife will thus answere them Alas he is not to be spoken with and when he demaunds the cause thereof doubting hee is dangerously sicke Ah good Neighbor quoth she he is become an Innocent euen a Childe againe so that I poore soule must guide all the House and take the whole charge of all things vpon me hauing none to helpe me but God be praised for all In good faith the other I am very sorie to heare this and doe much maruell at it for it is not long since I saw him and spoke with him and then he was in as good memorie and spake with as good sense and reason as euer he did before In trueth saith she he is now as I tell yee Thus doth shee wrong and slaunder the Poore man which hath alwayes liued in good credits and kept his Houshold in very good order but you may be well assured that hee séeing himselfe in his Age thus despised and iniuried and being not able to remedie himselfe nor stirre without helpe from the place where he is thereby to acquaint his Friends therewith which might in his behalfe redresse it is not a little grieue●… vexed and tormented in his minde with sorrow and anger So that it is a great maruaile he fals not into dispaire For it is enough to make a Saint become impatient to bee vsed thus by those which should obey serue and honour him And in my opinion this is one of the greatest Corosiues that any man can féele such is the issue of this great haste and extreame desire to bee in Lobs-Pound where he must now remaine perforce till Death doe ende at once both his life and languishing CHAP. XIIII The humour of a Woman giuen to all kinde of pleasures AN other Humor incident to a Woman by nature is wh●… the Husband thinking that Wedlocke was of all estates the happiest and altogether replenished with delight and pleasure because hee saw same of his Friendes who for a while after they were married were very cheerefull and iocond neuer ceaseth toyling and turmoyling himselfe till he haue gotten into Lobs-Pound wherein he is presently caught fast like a Bird in a Net for this comparison if we do examine the particulars thereof doth very fitly resemble his estate The sillie Birdes which flye from tree to tree and from field to field to seeke meate when they see a great deale of Corne spilt on the ground thinke themselues well apaide and without any feare come thither to féede thereon picking vp the graines of Corne but alas they are deceiued for on a sudden the net is drawne and they are all fast tyde by the legs and thence carried in a sacke or Panier one vpon another to the Fowlers house then coopt vp in a Cage Oh how happy would they thinke themselues if they were againe at their former libertie to flye whither they list but they wish too late yet were this all the euill that they should endure it were well but which is 〈◊〉 they shall soone after haue their necks wrung off and their little bodies spitted to be made meate for men to eate But they are herein farre more simple then the Birdes for they being fast in Lobs-Pound are so besotted with their owne sorrowes that they haue no power to free themselues So likewise they haue no will to doe it But to ●…rocéede the Wife not louing her Husband for so●…e defect which is in him that shee may haue some colour for that 〈◊〉 doth makes her Mother and other Friendes which blame her for it belieue that her Husband is bewitcht and by reason of some Sorcery made for the most part impotent Here upon she complaines of her ill Fortune resembling it to those which hauing the Cup at their noses cannot drinke meane while shee hath a sweete heart in a corner who is not bewitched who vseth her company so long and with so little héede that in the ende her Husband perceiues it and falling into the vaine of Iealousie beates 〈◊〉 fauouredly and keepes a foule stirre both with blowes and words so that shee not liking his vsage giues him the slip but then is hee cleane out of patience and so Husbands in this taking are so mad that they neuerlin seeking them and would giue halfe they are worth to finde her againe who hauing thus plaide her pageant and seeing her Husbands humor compa●…s with her Mother whose good will she will be sure to get by one meanes or other whereas at the first shee will perhaps thinke hardly of her departure from her Husband she doth I say so handle the matter with her that shee will make the Good-man belieue her Daughter hath beene all this while at home with her and that ●…he came to shunne his bad vsage who had shee