born Slaves by some peculiar Influence of the Heavens or whether Custom has made that Yoke to be easie or whether that servile disposition is deriv'd from Father to Son by some unperceivable manner of Tradition the Cause is uncertain but the Effect is plain But to think English-men to be easily kept in subjection because foreigners can is as good Logick as to conclude a Lion dares not fight because a Sheep is a timorous Creature Pol. I perceive your Lordship is not skill'd in the Politicks I can give you several reasons why there is no danger in the dreaded number of the Hereticks For first they want an Head and what alas is Body without an Head There 's one for you L. Britt Your Argument is Metaphorical but not conclusive It is true these popular Insurrections that are rais'd by the Power or Interest of one particular Man are soon quell'd when the Head is once remov'd for the Cause taken away the Effect ceases But where the cause of discontent is general an Head is never wanting for many hands make light work Pol. Then again ' The Hereticks want Councel and Conduct Alas all their Great Men are bred in the English Court and know nothing of the French and Italian Finesses There are no men in the world excepting those of my Order that understand the true Methods and Principles of Government Alas your English Lords are troubled with scruples of Conscience and pretend to tenderness and good nature and think themselves always oblig'd to stick to the immutable Rules of Honour and talk of Just and Unjust and I know not what whimseys They don't consider that it is impossible for a States-man to accomplish any great Designs that boggles at any sort of means that are conducing to his End tho never so unjust and cruel L. Britt I wish you do not find those Lords which you so much despise to be Masters of more Policy than is consistent with the good of the Catholick Cause Pol. Pshaw Pshaw never fear it When all 's done we have an Army to defend us L. Britt An Army sympathizes with the major part of the Nation out of which they are taken and what raises Jealousies in the One is sure to raise Discontents in the Other Heaven send we may never stand in need of that Pol. Pshaw pshaw your Lordship is too timorous L. Britt angry No man but what 's defended by a Gown dares tell me so Once more farewell And when you see all England in a flame youâ— selves pursued to the water-side and offering all your Treasure for a Boat when Catholicks are driven from their Houses and made the Object of a publick scorn remember then I had no hand in this Pol. And when you see the Triumphs of our Cause all bending low unto the See of Rome the Heretiâ—ks or forced to comply or roving up and down the world for Bread but finding none when this you live to see remember well that mine is the contrivance 't is I propos'd the End and found the Means shap'd the Tools and perfected the Work and mine 's the Honour L. Britt May it be so I leave the Honour and the Danger unto you Farewell I 've done my best Exit Pol. Well this Lord is honest but Master of extreme wrong Notions in Policy as if he had been bred under some Calvinistical Pedant that never read Machiavel But I must now lay aside thoughts of State-affairs and mind the grand Concerns of softer Love Leucasid's eyes have shot a â—re into my breast which nothing but her self can extinguish If I can enjoy her in the peâ—â—on of a discarded Officer I shall look upon it as my greatest â—â—iess For as there is greater art in making a Chain for a Flea than an Elephant so there is something more skill inâ—subduing the heart of a Woman than in subverting a Kingdom Enter Mrs. Counterseit O Mrs. Counterfeit you 're welcome most heartily welcome What news Count. O the most obliging News in the World Leucasâ—a is yours your Plots take to admiration I vow you don't act fairly to outwit a Woman in her own Profession Read this Gives him a Letter he reads The account you give of thaâ— Noble Person and his suffering in so good a Cause will not permit me to be cruel I honour such 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and if it is his desire to 〈◊〉 kâ—â—wn to me any part of his grievances he shall find an hoâ—â—rable and kind reception from Yours Leucasia Pol. Why look you Mrs. Câ—unterfeit did not I tell you that nothing could resist my Policy Here 's a Lady that hates our Religion and in particular my Order and Person Now who but my self could extract good out of so much evil and make her aversion a step to enjoy her Count. If you are as quick in Execution as fine in Projection that will soon be done Or if you should be put to the trouble to ravish or so if opportunity favours your disguise is your security Pol. There thou hitt'st the Nail on the head my disguise is ready you shall go in and see it fitted Count. I wait your Commands but you must go incognito without any Equipage Pol. Pray Mrs. Counterfeit leave the contriving part to me I think I am Master of that Count. And you must be sure to aggravate the Ingratitude of Priests and Jesuits Pol. What still moving beyond your station must the Spring rise higher than the Fountain-head have you not learn'd all this from me and do you pretend to teach Count. No indeed I have not learn'd all from you my Mother and my good Grandmother and my Aunt and my great Aunt taught me a great deal and I have had 50 years experience so that you might trust a little to my Judgment Pol. Then you will pretend to direct me Count. No an 't please your Reverence I will not pretend to that You do excel me and all mankind in the mysterious arts of Love I must most humbly acknowledge it to be so Pol. Then follow me and remember the contriving part is mine the executive we must share between us Exeunt Scene changes to Leucasia ' s Lodgings Enter Leucasia and Turnabout Leu. You see how far I have condesoended to cure your capricious humour tho I must confess your carriage to me and your hair-brain'd Jealousie does deserve my scorn or rather is below it Turn I confess my error and am ready to redeem your lost favour with my Sword What is it you will command Leu. A certain pretended Lord is pleas'd to think me a very fit person to be his Whore Now what would you do in vindication of my Honour Turn Oh very little Perhaps I might only cut his Throat or whip him through the Lungs or some such trifle Neither more nor less Leu. No that 's too much But I suppose that if he should refuse to draw you would grudge him the pains to kick him or assist my Servants in tossing him in a Blanket
late Trial Big Pshaw Pshaw tâ—â—â—'s a meer Flea-bite a Trick of Law Would to God there were no such thing as Law in the Nation I was always an Enemy to all Proceedings by Law they are always destructive to us but we will have Commissions without Law and against Law and above Law that shall maul the Rogues in spite of all their Law-tricks But we have now such a number of new Converts in all Parts and such brave Men Cau. I know not Brother how many or how brave they be but I 'm sure my Trade is sensibly decay'd of late I have not now one half of the Custom I lately had and those that do come give not half the Money they lately did For my part I cannot stay here to starve among Hereticks Big Phy Brother Cautious phy do not turn thy back upon those Glories that are just now breaking from behind a Cloud to dazle the Eyes and amaze the Understanding of the British World Mack-Donnel the fam'd Irish Priest is now arriv'd at Court with joyful Tydings with the conversion of a numberless number of our beloved Country-men who spontaneously relinquishing their long imbib'd Errors have thrown themselves into the chast embraces of our Mother-Church Cau. This Fellow would needs gull me with his fair words but still I suspect the strength of our Cause Aside Do you know that Mack-Donnal Pray what sort of Man is he Big He is an Irish Priest of much Zeal tho' not much Learning yet he is much improv'd since he went to St. Omers He can now read a great part of the Mass by help of a Fâ—scue and a little conning before-hand He has been at all the great Towns in England and is now returned with a List of the new Converts He is at my Lodgings Cau. Seeing is believing I never renounce the testimony of my Senses but in one thing Pray Brother let your Servant step fetch him Big to Servant Go and tell Father Mack-Donnel that we desire his Company and a view of the List Serv. I shall Exit Servant Big to Cau. But now I think on 't Brother one of my Sons that was disinherited by his Father for turning Romanist has borrowed all my Money pray accommodate me with a little Gold or the Cause may suffer if I want it Cau. Now the Fool has been gull'd of his own Money he would fain borrow mine But I shall fail him Aside Sure Brother you intend to affront me Big Why so Cau. Why do you think that I keep Money by me now the Cause is in this Distress Phy phy I send all away beyond-Sea I do in earnest Aside and am as poor as a Church Mouse Big Dost thou so Man Embracing him very eagerly O how could I hug thee for it thou best of Men thou art the very Joy of my Heart and I love thee better than if thou hadst given me a Million of Millions Re-enter Servant with Mack-Donnel flourishing his Paper Mack Here ish the Pauper by Shaint Pautrick here it ish Ish had made go one thoshand Miles for thish Pauper aund so fausht by Shaint Pautrick that Ish haud come shooner if Ish had not made stay by the way Big Pray Brother Mack-Donnel give my Friend an Account of our prodigious Success in the Country Mack reads Well then Firsht of aul in the Shitty of London Big Sir I say in Country Mack Why Ish not aul the Country in London Yesh by Shaint Pautrick aund aul Ireland aund aul Scotland Ish do hope to shee aul Eaunsh aund aul Italy aund aul Spaine there too and then by Shaint Pautrick London will be the finesht Country in the whole World Cau. But to pass by these Digressions pray give us an account of the Progress you have made in new Converts without Addition Looking on his Paper Mack Firsht then in the Shitty of Norwitch there be four ferry proper Shentlemen dad do live in the great House upon the Hill Cau. Their Names Mack Tom Cutter Richard Kill-all Robert Divewell William Hector Cau. O I have read of them in some printed Papers they are four notorious Rascals that have kept constant Possession of the Jayl there seven Years as if it had been their own by right of Inheritance They were all hang'd last Assizes for Murther and other Felonies Mack Yesh by St. Pautrick the Heretick Dogs did make hang upon their shweet Bodysh Ish had no time a Reprive for them but by my Shoule Man they did die as good Catholicks as thou and Ish art Cau. That may be But Pray Brother what Progress do they make in the Universities Those are the Fountains that ought first to be sweetned Looking on his Paper Mack O! in the firsht plaush in the University of Cambridg there ish one of hish Majâ—sties mosht grashous Offishers by my Shoul and St. Pautrick that do dispash mauny of de Hereticks in the Year Big His Name Mack William Cuttrope He dosh sherve his Majesties grashes Sheriffe Cau. O I know him he is the Common Hangman I remember I used to tremble at the sight of him when I was last in Jail upon Suspicion Big Brother I vow you make my Zeal rise against you to treat a new Convert so rudely as to call him plain common Hangman This shews Cau. It shews that you have neither Knowledg or Discretion to reprehend me What more honourable Name could I give him than that of an Hangman and by how much the more common so much the better We may talk of Books and Conferences and I know not what but when all 's done there are thousands in this Nation that can be converted by nothing but Gibbets and Halters They are at least our Journy-men we cut ouâ— the Work which they finish Big Brother I beg your Pardon all this is true but you know immoderate Zeal may sometimes thrust a Man upon Indecencies Cau. Will you say there is the Hangmaâ— in the first place and pray who is there in the second Looking on his Paper Mack Why in the second in the second by St. Pautrick my dear Joy in the second plaush there ish no body at aul Big Well one such is as good as many But how many in the other places Mack Then in a little Town hard by there be one thoushand Cau. What Catholicks or Whores Mack Both together my dear Joy the Catholicks be the Whores and the Whores be Catholicks aund both together do make one thoushand or one dozen by St. Pautrick I know not well whether pores on the Paper Big Well is that all Mack No Ish have one more A Genleman that do wear the long Robe at Reading his Name is Henry Shimpleton Cau. I know him he is a Fool a Natural kept by the Parish Mack 'T is true I my self did converâ— him by giving two Nickers and a Marble Big Pray Brother speak not so contemptibly of Fools I will assure you the Catholick Cause is very much beholden to Fools
It was invented by Fools maintain'd by Fools and carried on in great part by Fools unto this very day Was not St. Francis â— Fool St. Ignatius a Fool and a thousand other Fools I could mention Therefore pray Brother speak not so contemptibly oâ— Fools Cau. Why I said so for that very reason Mack Well by St. Pautrick Ish vil go and carry my Pauper to the great Man in plaist at Court and beg Plaish for it St. Pautricl bless you Farewell Going out but returns hastily O but stay I had forgot to make Petishon for one thing that Father would make pray to the King's Majesties Graush for shome Plaushes for the four Catholick Shentlemen that did live in the great Houâ—h â—t Norwish Cau. Why did not you say they were hang'd Mack O by my Shoul and St. Pautrick I had 〈◊〉 forgot dad it ishâ—â—â—ue they be made hauing already and can have no Plaush at Court Adieu Exit Cau. Harâ—ye Brother does not our Friend Mackdonnel talk a little like a Fool Big O fy no 't is meer Zeal and Transport you know not the true force of Zeal it will make a Fool a Knave or any thing Cau. That may be But if it make me such a Fool as to part with my Mony I 'le be hang'd for it Aside Big Well I am hastning to the great Spanish Priest Father Politico about some publick Business He is the rarest Contriver in the World he has ten thousand Plots in his Head the least of which are sufficient to overturn a better settled Government than this He has refin'd the Politicks of all the Courts in Christendom for the use of the English Nation And tho he be a Foreigner by Birth he is so conversant in the Manners of the English you would swear he had been born here Cau. I grant Father Politico is a Man of a curious Frame and fine Contrivance that he has seen most Foreign Courts and holds Correspondence with 'em but to speak plain there are some things I do not like in him He seems to be too great an Admirer of himself which makes his Conversation nauseous to others by the continual Commendation of himself and is prejudicial to his Plots by robbing him of the Advice and the Corrections of his Friends Besides he is too bold in making use of Foreign Policies in their Courts which for the most part like Trees transplanted from far distant Soiles tho the Fruits there were pleasant yet here they are harsh and crabbed Big I must confess his noble Friend my Lord Britain often tells him so but I cannot perceive 't is true I know indeed some do censure him as too amorous for the Gravity of a Church-man and I cannot deny but he is too â—ascivious and that if he had not such a discreeâ— a Procuress as Mrs. Counterfeit he might iâ—car Sâ—andal by his daily Conversation wiâ—h Woâ—â—en But still I must adore him as a great Prop of the Catholick Cause and must 〈◊〉 all the haste I can to see him immediaâ—ely Exit Bigot Cau And I must find out young Subtleman for some Private Business of my own which is more to the purpose than the Publick Exeunt different ways SCENE II. Turnabout pursued by Mrs. Counterfeit and two or three Whores First Whore Come Mr. Turnabout don't you think we will be bilk'd so it is Mony we want and Mony we will have or we 'll detect your Debaucheries Mrs. Coun. Come Mr. Turnabout I 'm acquainted with the very best of the Fathers they come very often to my House no Disparagement to 'em and I shall soon make them acquainted what an Hypocrite you are Turn Peace you bauling Bitch you Peace Endeavours to stop their Mouths They struggle with him Count. Nay marry come up Peace me no Peace if I had been an Heretick you could not have used me worse than you do I have want of mony and if you don't give it me I shall publish to the World all your Pranks I saith I shall spoil your new Saintship Turn Do you damn'd Whores do your worst the Fathers will not believe any Ill of me First Whore No Ill of thee First we will tell 'em of thy Bastard Child at Hogsden Turn Ay do 't is a brave witty Boy they 'l make him Captain of the Savoy School Second Whore Then we will tell 'em the Story of the naked Woman in the Strand Turn It was a delicate sight the Fathers will wish they had been there themselves Third Whore Then of the Purse you nym'd at Hackney Turn That was to purchase Mony for Absolution the Fathers will thank me for it First Whore Then we will tell 'em of three Whores you pick'd up th' other Night at the Chappel and lay with them all Night at the Feathers Turn Ay do you damn'd Whores you had best tell that I lay with you there too you had so you Jades Second Whore Marry come up indeed lie with us there 't is the very best thing that every thou didst in thy Life the only sign that I know of thy Conversion from the Pocky Twelve-penny Jades of the Town Turn These Whores may spoil my Designs but I must bare up briskly to them Aside No Mony you Jades you I say again no Mony Count. Why then in plain terms Mr. Turnabout my Maidens will instantly repair to Father Bigot and inform him that you bragg'd last Night in your Cups that you were no Catholick but only made the Fathers believe so out of Interest that you fool'd them all with an Opinion of your Sanctity and that when your Turn was serv'd for a Treat of a dozen Bottles of Wine you would turn Heretick again Turn This damn'd Jade has hit the Nail on the head now I dread her Aside Why as for that Hum Why Hum Whilst Turn is humming Bigot walks cross the Stage and spying Turn makes up to him All the Whores clap on their Masks Big O! here I have found the zealous Mr. Turnabout preaching Confession to a Company of Heretical Ladies O that good Man I could cry for Joy but I must speak to him Goes to Turn and claps him on the Shoulderâ—puncâ— who seeing him starts and speaks hastily to the Whores Turn Go you damn'd Jades there 's Mony for you be gone in silence Mis. Count. Well so much shall serve for this time Exeunt Manent Turnabout Bigâ—t Big Pray Son What wast thou doing with those Ladies What preaâ—hing Conversion to them Turn That is a Task fit sor none but your Reverence whose Eloquence might move the very Stones as well as Men I was only a distributing a little Charity to some Catholick Gentlewomen of known Zeal and Vertue Now must I return to the trade of whining Hypocrisy Aside Big I thought indeed I knew the glimpse of one of their Faces well thou art always doing good and I have good News to tell thee Turn What Does the Holy Cause go on prosperously Are the Hereticks confounded Big