mee with the blessings of thy sweetnesse even from the beginnings for thou O Lord and my hope from the very time that I was a suckling yea before I was borne hast provided and prepared the waies that I should walk in and by them attain to the glory of thy heavenly Kingdome thou hast knowne mee before thou didst forme mee in my mothers belly and before I issued out of my mothers wombe thou hast preordained of mee whatsoever seemed good to thy divine pleasure I know not O Lord what things are written of me in thy Booke in the secret of thy Consistory which make me to feare exceedingly but thou knowest them all particularly because that which I expect by succession of dayes and times a thousand yeeres hence to bee fulfilled in the sight of thy Eternity is already accomplished and that which is to come is already done but I for that I know not these things living heer in a darke and obscure night cannot but feare and tremble whilest I see sundry dangers on every side assaulting me troupes of enemies pursuing me and infinite miseries of this life invironing me And were it not that the ayd of thy grace doth succour me in these my manifold tribulations I should soon fall into desperation but I have a great hope and confidence O my God in thee who art a God of unspeakable mercy and pity and the consideration of thy infinite mercies are no small comfort unto mee in my miseries The former tokens likewise of thy love and mercies shewed towards me before my nativity but appearing now especially doe put mee in hope for the time to come to receive more ample and greater favours from the hands of thy bountifull liberality which thou doest reserve for thy friends and those that love thee to the end that my hope may rejoice in thee O Lord my God with a sacred and lively cheerefulnesse with which thou doest continually comfort my old disconsolate years CHAP. XII O God of Gods O Lord in mercy surmounting the malice of men I know thou wilt not alwaies be silent then I meane when a flaming fire shall burne before thee and a terrible tempest shall showre down round about thee when thou shalt call both Heaven and earth to judge and discerne thy people and lo in the presence of so many millions of people all mine iniquities shall be revealed before so many troops of Angels all my abominations shall be displayed not only of my actions but likewise of my words and cogitations there shall I poore wretch stand to be judged by so many as have gone before me in doing good I shall by so many accusers be thought worthy of Hell as have given mee example to live well I shall be convinced by so many witnesses as have admonished me by their wholsome speeches and by their godly pious conversation have carried themselves worthy of imitation O my Lord I know not what to say I know not what to answer and albeit I am as yet free from that terrible danger neverthelesse my conscience doth afflict me the hidden secrets of my heart do torment mee coveteousnesse doth presse me pride doth accuse me envy doeth consume mee concupiscense doeth enflame me lust doeth molest me gluttony doth disgrace me drunkennesse doth convince me detraction doth rent me anger doth disturbe me behold O my deliverer who hast delivered me out of the hands of cruell people behold with whom I have lived from the day of my birth with whom I have studied and with whom I have kept promise those very studies which heertofore I affected doe condemne mee which in times past I praysed do now dispraise me These are the friends to whom I have assented the teachers whom I have obeyed the masters whom I have served the counsellours whom I have beleeved and the familiar acquaintance to whom I have consented Woe is me O my God for that my abode heere is prolonged woe is me O my light for that I have lived with those that live in darkness and seeing holy David sayd so much how much more may I bee able to say my soule hath dwelt too long in a strange land O my God my force my fortress no man can be justified in thy sight my hope is not in the sons of men Whom wouldest thou finde justified if thou shouldest judge severely setting mercy aside neither is there any thing whereof a just man may vaunt or which can bring him to glory unlesse thou prevent him before hand with thy mercy and pitty I therefore O my Saviour believe what I have heard that it is thy goodnesse that doth draw mee to repentance thy holy lips have told it me No man can come to me unless my Father who hath sent me draw him Seeing therefore it hath pleased thee to instruct me and by instruction hast vouchsafed mercifully to informe me I beseech thee with all the forces of my heart and mind O Almighty Father together with thy most beloved Son I beseech thee likewise O most blessed Saviour with the holy and blessed Spirit vouchsafe to draw me unto thee that I may run after thee and forsaking all things transitory I may only adhere unto thee and devote my soule and body only to thy service Who is like unto thee O Lord my God thou art great in sanctity terrible and worthy to be praised doing things that deserve to be admired too too late have I knowne thee O true light too late have I known thee and the cause was for that there was a great and dark cloud before my eies that delighted in vanity which hindered me from beholding the Sun of justice and the Light of all verity I was wrapt in darknesse being the child of darkness I loved darkness because I knew not the light I was blind and loved blindness and walked through one darknes into another who hath delivered me from thence where I remained as a blind man sitting in darknesse and in the shaddow of death who hath taken me by the hand and led met forth of the same who is he that hath thus enlightened me I sought him not and he called me but who is he thou art he O Lord my God being most mercifull and pittifull yea the father of mercies and God of all comfort Thou O Lord my God most holy art he that hath done the same whom I confesse with my whole heart rendring thanks to thy holy Name I did not seeke thee thou hast sought me I did not call upon thee thou hast called me Thou hast thundred from Heaven with a great voyce into the internall care of my heart saying let light be made and light was made whereupon that great and dark cloud which had covered my eies departed and was dissolved whereby I have seene thy light and known thy voyce I said truly O Lord thou art my God who hast delivered mee out of darkness and from the shaddow of death calling mee into the admirable
Medicina Animae Or The LAMENTATION And CONSOLATION of a Sinner Together with severall Collections out of the Holy Scriptures By Joshua Mullard I sayd I will confesse my sinnes unto the Lord and so thou forgavest the wickednesse of my sin Psa 32.6 LONDON Printed by Tho. Harper 1652. To the Reader GEntle Reader I began some part of this Penitentiall Meditation long since when it pleased Almighty God to give me a sight of my sinnes and grace to hate and forsake them It may seeme strange that I should make a publicke confession of them when they are only knowne to Almighty God and my selfe But I find David confessing his Adultery and Manasses his Idolatry and S. Paul confessing himselfe to be the greatest of sinners and also I finde that whosoever confesseth his sinnes and forsaketh them shall find mercy I must confesse I did not intend to publish them but that I was prest by many of my friends to it but more especially when I had read the judgement pronounced against the unprofitable servant that hid his Talent Matth. 25.30 I thought it more safety to shew my imperfections to men then to disobey my Redeemer and to lose my Talent I desire thee Reader to read it all over before thou censure and to pardon the imperfections thou meetst with J. M. Medicina Animae Or The great Wound cured Being Pious Meditations and Prayers on the Lamentation and Consolation of a Sinner CHAP. I. O Who shall give water to my head and a fountaine of teares to my eyes that I may bee able to bewayle the losses of my soule with greefe agreeable thereunto for there is a manifest and great cause of sorrow when with the sight of my minde I doe behold my ancient dayes and my youthfull years in this Meditation my spirit hath fayled mee for I know what I was nay rather what I should have beene and understand what I am and fear what I shall be And the lesse I sorrow so much more doe I feare I would to God I sorrowed more that I might fear less But woe to me O Lord for now a long time thou smitest and yet I sorrow not Thou callest me and yet I heare not thou knockest and yet I open not the barre of my hard heart unto thee The sorrows of Death compassed mee round about and being filled with many sorrowes without I feele inwardly no sorrow that may work unto salvation and I feele not onely sorrowes of old age but I am a man of sorrow from my youth upward and all my dayes are full of travell and griefe and yet I sorrow because that alwayes sorrowing I cannot sorrow as I ought to sorrow O marvellous and unspeakable wisdome of the heavenly Physitian O wonderfull goodnesse of the most mercifull God! O singular benefit of him that is the Giver of all good things for thou O Lord givest unto me sorrow lest I should parish in pleasures and that I may learn to rejoyce without offence thou givest me sorrow for a time that I may not suffer everlasting paine thou afflictest my body that thou mayst save my soule Thou scourgest that thou mayest heale thou killest that thou mayest quicken But alas how unwillingly doe I receive thy salve out of the secret hand of thy mercy and being ignorant doe not acknowledge the sovereigne medicine of healthfull sorrow wherein thou art mercifully severe against me and how doe I acknowledge it if earnestly I desire to be delivered from sorrow who without sorrow cannot bee healed for how can hee bee healed without sorrow who by delight is made sicke Therefore O Lord make mee to sorrow and teach mee a saving sorrow that my griefe may bee turned into joy and that I may rejoyce in thy salvation CHAP. II. DAyes passe away and yeeres slide away but I unhappy man after so many corruptions of my soule after so most grievous and long follies doe not yet repent nor am not afflicted for my sinnes but continue the often falling into them againe and care not for rising from heaping new unto old and greater unto lesse What shall I doe O Lord or whither shall I goe when my last time shall come where shall I be hidden from thy wrathfull countenance or whither shall I flie away from thy face when thou shalt call mee unto judgement and require of me an account of the talent bestowd upon me what shall I answer unto thee or how shall I excuse my negligence when thou shalt sit upon thy throne of Majesty and command me to give an account of my stewardship to the uttermost farthing Surely I have nothing to say but Lord I beseech thee to answer for me for who am I that I should answer to thee in judgement but if thou compell me to answer I wil say as a man confounded trembling and fearing O Lord I have gayned nothing thereupon but have wickedly and vainely mispent and consumed thy talent by my base living I should better have sayd by dying but then I thought I lived but I was dead because I lived without thee my true life yea the life of a wicked man may rather bee called death then life I may say I sooner began to die then live first I did not understand what life was when I had forsaken the life of lives and fountaine of life And mallice did supplant my yong age in manifold wickednesses I was scarce come out of my mothers womb but I was already a sinner comming into the world being yet ignorant of sinne I did bewaile the sinnes wherein my parents begot me neyther did I altogether leave bewailing others sinnes when I committed my own which I knew and did not bewayle Being an Infant I followed iniquity and spent my childhood wherin I should have beene pure impurely There breathed slimy vapours from the sinfull corruptions of my flesh and the spring of my youth did shadow my heart that it could not discerne light from darknesse and the clearnesse of the mind from the mist of lust and trayterous and crafty pleasures did carry my weake and forgetfull loose age into the headlong rocke of lust so as I boyled up in wicked desires to be satisfied in Hell From my childhoode I grew to growing yeeres neither was I sooner growing towards youth then my wickednesse did grow ripe and I was bold to grow wild in divers inordinate lusts by the which beeing drawn by the griefe of wickednesse I was drowned to death and destruction the evill and wicked daies of my growing years passed on and I grew towards youth but I returned backwards in filthiness and vanity And as I was elder I was a yong man and came to bee a man but Vice alwaies flourished in me instead of Vertue I waxed old and grey and did not walk in thy waies but as a child being now an Old man I lived childishly Where then at any time have I bin innocent that I should bee judged of thee according to the time of my
salvation I know O Lord God and am assured that our life is not governed by the unadvised Influence and concurrence of secondary causes but is wholly disposed and ordered by thy Almighty providence wherfore I humbly pray and beseech thee that thou wilt not deale with me according to mine iniquities by which I have deserved thy anger but according to thy manifold mercies which surmount the sinnes of the whole world take pity on me thou O Lord who doest punish mee outwardly give mee alwayes an invincible patience inwardly to the end I may never cease to prayse thee take pity of me O Lord take pity of me and helpe me like as thou knowest to bee expedient for mee both in soule and in body thou who knowest all things and art able to do all things whatsoever it pleaseth thee CHAP. X. O God most powerfull and potent over the spirits or soules of all flesh whose eyes behold all the wayes of the children of Adam from the day of their birth unto the day of their death to the end thou mayst render to every man according to his actions be they good or evill Teach mee I beseech thee how to confesse unto thee my poverty because I have heeretofore vanted that I was rich and need nothing not knowing that I was poore blind naked wretched and in misery for that I thought my selfe to bee something when I was nothing I sayd with my selfe I shall become a wise man and I became a foole I thought my selfe to bee prudent and discreet and I was deceived for that I now perceive that it is a gift gratis by thee given without whom wee can do nothing thus O Lord by leaving me and proving me thou hast taught me to know my self not to respect of tiâ—e that thou mightst know me but in respect of mee that I might know my selfe because I thought my selfe to bee something of my selfe and sufficient of my selfe neither did I perceive that it was thou that diddest governe me untill thou didst for a while forsake me whereupon I forthwith fell by which I did see and know that it was thou that didst governe me and that my fall hapned through my own fault and my … ing to grace by means only of thy grace Thou hast opened mine eyes O divine light thou hast awakened and inlightned me so that now I see that mans life is a temptation upon earth neither hath frayle flesh or any mortall man living just occasion to glory of himselfe before thee or to presume of his justification since all the good we have be it little or great proceedeth wholly and freely from thee neyther can wee attribute any thing justly to our selves saving only our iniquity Whereof then shall any mortall man glory shall he glory of his iniquity this is not glory but meere misery shall hee therefore glory of his goodnesse shall he glory of that which is anothers Because all goodness and glory is thine O Lord and belongeth unto thee he therfore that usurpeth that glory to himselfe that is due to thee is a theefe and a robber and like unto the Divell who desired to bereave thee of thy glory for hee that desireth to bee praysed in respect of the gift which thou hast given him and doeth not seeke thy glory therein but his owne albeit in respect of thy gift hee bee praysed of men yet by thee bee is thought worthy of blame for that with that gift which thou hast given him hee hath not sought thy glory but his owne but hee that is praysed of men being by thee thought worthy of blame will not bee defended by men when thou shalt condemne him Thou therefore O Lord who didst forme me in my mothers womb permit me not to fall into that reproachfull infamy as to be upbrayded as one that would bereave thee of thy glory who art the authour of all goodnesse and to thee is due all glory but to us shame and misery who according to our deserts are worthy of all wretchedness were it not that thou dost take pity upon us Thou O Lord art pitifull indeed full of compassion towards all men and hating nothing of those things which thou hast made bestowing on us many benefits inriching us with thy greatest gifts because thou doest favour those that are friendless making them abound with the riches of thy goodnes I know O Lord and confesse that they onely that acknowledge themselves to be poor and needy and confesse unto thee their poverty shal be inriched by thee insomuch that they that imagine themselves rich being indeed poore and needy are not to expect any spirituall gift or grace from thee wherefore O Lord my God I doe acknowledge and confess unto thee my poverty rendring unto thee all glory because all the good that is done by me proceedeth wholy from thee I confesse O Lord that I am nothing else but meere vanity the shadow of death a darke bottomles dungeon a voyd and unprofitable plot of ground bringing forth nothing without thy blessing the naturall fruite thereof being confusion sinne and eternall death and damnation all the good that ever I had before I had it from thee is wholly thine and proceeds from the hands of thy liberality When I have stood upright it hath beene by thy assistance when I have fallen it hath beene through my own negligence when I was fallen likewise I should for ever have remayned in misery if thou hadst not raysed me and being blinde I should for ever have been blind if thou hadst not inlightned me when I was fallen I should never have risen if thou hadst not with thy hand raised me yea after thou hadst raysed mee I should have fallen immediately if thou hadst not upheld mee I should likewise have perished many times and beene utterly undone if thou hadst not governed me Thus O Lord and in this manner hath thy grace and mercy prevented me from time to time and continually delivering mee from all mishaps that might have befallen me preserving me from perills that are past delivering me out of those that are present and strengthening mee against those that are to come cutting in sunder before me the snares of sinne removing likewise all causes and occasions of the same for if thou haddest not afforded me this favour I should have committed all sorts of sins what soever because I know O Lord that there is no sinne committed by one man which another could not likewise doe the same if mans Creatour by whom he was made doe not assist him Thou therefore hast caused and commanded me to abstaine from iniquity giving mee grace that I might beleeve in thee for thou O Lord didst direct me to do that which was to thy glory and my owne salvation giving mee grace and understanding that I might avoyde many grievous sins that I was inclinable to CHAP. XI REmember O Lord I beseech thee thy mercies shewed towards me of old time through which thou hast prevented