they must not use any deceit or flattery towards their Mistresses ex primis because they must first give â—o them bofore they can hope for the least curtesie ex immediatis because their very appearance imports without any intermission or mediancie a present to the females as a true token of their prime love ex notioribus to induce the women to know their owne adorers and those better that give most liberally for you know Demonstratio est syllogismus faciens scire it must also be ex prioribus for that in our Schooles prior est datio pecuniaris quam receptio amplexaris this syllogisticall discourse ought likewise to be ex causis conclusionis the conclusion that our men aime at is an amorous claspe that which the women desire is a Cupidineous gripe closing a golden see and nothing is able to cause this clasp or recumbens-subtegmine lecti but bursa plena liberaliter offerta ad amicam But now said Cupid wee have overstayed our time let us passe to the next Schoole which as Aristotle stiles it is de physico auditu and wee with him proceed to the same Schoole although we differ both in title and forme and without any delay Cupid brought mee to a very faire Port on which I read this which followeth Two principall per se matter and forme This Classe of Physicke chiefly doe adorne The matter 's heapes of Gold and riches free The forme's oblation beanteous Phila's fee The perusall of this tetrastick struck mee immediately into a difficulty whereupon I emboldned my selfe to stay the God and asked him why and how Gold could be called the matter in this Tract since that Aristotle in the first Booke of Physicks saith that matter or materia prima est chaos caeca farrago or rudis indigest aque moles So is Gold said Cupid it is a Chaos because you see it confounds all men it is caecum quiareddit omnes caecos propter ejus amorem it is also rude because it makes most that possesse it rude and vitious It is very certaine said I but Aristotle treates here de primis principiis de illis scilicet quae primo constituunt compositum naturale It is very true answered Cupid and for that cause I have often said that we exempt our selves from being strict Aristotelians For you must know that we are already actuated or formed according to Natures composition and therefore as I even now said this Schoole is not properly called De physico auditu but De Cupidine auditu and therefore since nature hath made us perfect in the first mixtion wee account it frivolous to search or repeat that which Aristotle hath searched out for us that is by what meanes it came to passe what concurrence was used and the like but now wee search that which is most semblant and agreeable to our condition I meane our institution and because Gold and other treasure are substances and naturall mixtures as these my females and masculine flock be speaking of that which belongeth to naturall composition and abstracting from the formall perfection of this or that onely insisting on those ingredients which are matter and forme deriving their generating cause from one and the same body as an universall cause which is calor solis I find no difference but a great similitude and therefore wee set downe Gold and such like estimable substances to be the matter of this our Physicall study and oblation to be the forme without which our study is to no purpose nor the composition which we sweat for is no composition because without oblation there is no union no complementive actuality which wee call Completio amorosa these therefore as I have said sunt principia per se nostra physicae totius philosophiae which imimports as much as I had said of our naturall appetite because Cupid or Cupido is the objective guide herein With this answer although it was not ab essentia rei petita but a meere diversion yet unwilling to be overtedious to the God of Love I rested as if I had beene fully satisfied upon the pause whereof wee entred the Classe I could discover few or none here that were not in action and passion the Courtiers giving and the Courtieresses receiving In the midst of this Hall lay many heaps of Gold Silver Diamonds and other sorts of treasure at the resplendant glory whereof I was almost distracted at which Cupid perceiving my amazement asked mee what I thought of this so beauteous a Treasure-house To whom I said this is the practicall part of yon Logick Classe Why so said Cupid because answered I my fancie apprehends all these laborious asses to be busied in the study De inventione medii and these heapes of Gold and pretious stones I take to be the materials with which they intend to build their pons asinorum No no answered Cupid this aggregatum per accidens is our Philosophers stone and those that concurre not to the augmenting and raising up of these beauteous Banckes these Phebean hillocks these Love-starres which the World termes Earths Planets for the uncertaine Mansion they have to dwell with this or that amorous Courtesan those I say that adde not to these Idols are not taken to be Lapidary men but a certaine kinde of jumenta or rather bomenta which are commonly called Eunuches because they shall never make use of their intayle for that they adde not the previall disposition which makes the formall connection for indeed my females say that such kinde of Pedlers shall not enter into their Shop unlesse they had ready money because they never use to trust any man in that kinde Then I intreated Cupid to better my understanding with some instructions of the Method that was observed in this Schoole who freely began in this manner Physica is as much as to say natura and therefore this Schoole and study is of naturall things neither is there any one that truly endeavoureth in this Science except hee loveth it for this is the generating of wisdome by reason of which he is called a Philosopher and for no other cause then that he is a lover of wisdome This supposed I conclude that all here must of necessity be Philosophers as for naturallists or Physitians it is most evident by the Tract that they be the same because they are not onely lovers but also lovers of wisdome I was not able to containe my selfe within the limits of silence but I injected obviously the difficulty which met my attention as I gazed upon Cupids preamble saying It appeares unto me pardon my bold attempt O divine Cupid that you give these your Disciples a false appellation in calling them Philosophers and my judgement rather names them Philochrysers because their study is onely of Gold and treasure as the portall script manifesteth and not of wisedome You say well in giving them this Character but yet you are extremely deceived answered Cupid if you rob them of the
coyne By this we judge the cause and suite is thine This is said Cupid the grand hall of Pleaders where men are clyents and women Lawyers for whatsover the men put in the womens Law stands the clyents here for the most part are rivalls or such as are accused of negligence in the case of giving and hee that will cast his opposite must begin with a bribe which wee call a gratuity or ingresse to the processe of the suite and if the Iseprise or nisi prius be preferred into the Court before the party accused appeares he is condemned in costs and immediately the accuser is obliged to morgage his purse untill hee obtaine a significavi and if the peccant delay to appeare or at least to put in his lawfull excuse then the pleader instructs the Judge so sinistrously against the same party that the matter proceedes to a declaration which is ever grounded upon the a fide data or Afidavi and so the cause comes to an execution and without demurring is brought to an attachement which being served by the accuser the peccant party is brought in condemned of double costs and fined to pay unto his neglected Mistresse a hundred crownes sterling for the discurtesie he had done her or else to be cast into Loves dungeon which is a place of obscurity whose walls are all painted and portratur'd with the visage of disdaine his dyet being nothing but coy looke contempt reproach and sarcasmall flouâ—es he hath at this examinating feast a set of braying Asses for his Musitians and never heares any songs but invective Odes and Vinegar Satyrs Yet you must understand that although the party that is cast is damnified as I have related yet the accuser doth not escape free for looke what the peccants charges surmount to the accuser is constrained to pay halfe so much to the Lawyers Box for the trouble and disturbance in the Court For as in other Common-wealths he that conceales the crime of another man is punished by the Law as being an ill member of the publike state so if we said Cupid discover a Lover that keepes secret the faults of another he is punished in purse and if hee accuse the delinquent as soone as he perceiveth his malice yet he escapeth not scot-free because he is bound to maintain the right and legality of our institution so that he that speeds best coÌ„meth off with losse for our Maxime is Discordia minuit substantiam and we hold another point which is most rigorously observed that is Qui damnum alterius quaerit ipse sibi damnum parit I noting in the middle of this Hall a paire of scales asked Cupid the use of them who answered by these wee give judgement not that they signifie levell justice but according to the institution of our legall rights for in one scale wee lay the bribe or gratuitie and in the other the adverse cause which if it be not accosted with a greater summe then the gratuity of the other is the cause flyes up were it never so ponderous for my professors say that a penurious cause never findes either good close or clause for if his case be not well fraught with substance and cleare shining like the Diamond wee judge it so airy and light that none of my Counsellors will give directions in it neither any Barrester take it into the uttering mouth of his consideration for all done here is God-a-mercy penny for hee that is guarded with the greatest Troope of Angels is certainely proclaimed victor But now said Cupid let us proceed and because time will not license us to visit my whole University as I intended for that the night is almost spent you may observe the institution of the rest of my schooles as we walke and I will likewise give you some briefe notice of the same as wee passe and now wee came to a port which was thus portraitur'd If that to Mathematicks you will climbe You must ascend up by the golden line Our perfect circles are those solid things Posy'd with James and Charles about the rings This is the grand entrance to the Schooles of Mathematicks which hath many ports for that it hath many severall arts contained within the latitude of its infinitenesse and this first is that which treateth of the elements Mathematicall not much different from those which Euclide hath recommended to posterity We begin with linea recta which is made of gold or silver wyer which is never perfectly recta untill it is in the possession of the Mathematician Ladies It is impossible for any student to prove dari triangulum aequilaterum unlesse every angle be equally tipped with pure ductible gold because there is no true demonstration where gold appeares not neither can our young Gallants make good this principle to wit Omnis triangulus habet tres angulos aequales duolus rectis unlesse the basis bee of gold and the whole triangle be pointed with Diamonds for by the basis we are certified of the longitude of the rest of the lines and by the Diamonds we collect first the equality or discrepancie of the angles which joyned together make just two straight angles which position rectifies the uncertaine lover so that hee and his Mistresse agree in one and the same opinion of infallibility both because shee enjoyeth the figure and all it containes and hee the Science or experience of the same but yet of all triangles that which pleaseth the women best is the equilaterall the Isoschele is also in much request because it hath one angle equall to one and only one different but the Scalenall triangle is of least esteeme because it consisteth both of three unequall lines and as many angles and therefore requireth most time and trouble in the verification of the same yet none of them all are refused because they are all beautified with a diamondall lustre Of all angles the acute angle is most in request and therefore he that presents his offerings acutely and quicke is accounted the best Mathematician for the obtuse angle it is the signification of a dull and slow Mathematitian and for this reason we never prove any thing by the externe angles which in triangles are continually obtuse but onely what is contained within the figure evident to be seene But yet you must know that we treat not of lines indivisible as Euclide doth but De lineis substantialibus quae quanto grossiores tanto sunt meliores beatioresque illi qui easdem adferunt for this reason we treat not of superficies ut superficies est propriè but of superficies solidata because wee allow of nothing but what is solid and consequently trinam habet dimensionem Now to come to a quadrate which is thus defined Quadratum est figura quadrifarià m angulosa cujus anguli sunt aequales recti This is never practised but when foure pretendents or studious amorists sollicite the same female in an equality of engagement and therefore we terme them
sang when the petitioner so dazels his beloved's eyes with curious and rich objects which she converts to bee her subjects as then his and now hers when I say such a feast unites her will to his then they withdraw and rhetorize in Similitèr cadens Wee use no Metaphors but all in private amongst the women for feare the men should learne them for seeing such like tropes are alienated from their Virgin sense and wrested to sound one thing in words and another in deedes they must bee shut up from the knowledge of so much cunning and therefore wee satisfie them with a certaine number of figures as figurae per additionem which are the true touch-stone of a generous mind likewise wee inuse them with those per similitudinem to pricke them on with the conceit of dignity if they imitate those that are most liberall setting it downe for a principle that he cannot be a good and exquisite Rhetoritian that maketh not an ostentation of his larga manus But the women are expert both in tropes and figures tropes to delude their adorers who suppose their reall words to bee full or reall meaning when as they onely commit a few complements more to enflame their simplitians heartes and to feed their owne toyish fancy then any reality for they abhorre it worse then the poxe All figures which come per detractionem belong to the women as Dissolutio Refractio and many more ejusdem farinae all takers and dissolvers of their servants substance We practice also in Topickes and first we beginne with Notatio sive Etymologia which is both according to us and Cicero defined Indagatio originis and by this we search out the true primitive of our courtiers and provide his place correspondently I doe not meane that wee exalt and dignifie him according to his parentage but his patrimony for if he bee of a great estate he is presently annexed to the topick à Causis nobilioribus because the cause of greatest preferment here is that which proceedeth out of the nobility of riches and thus we draw him on with the plausible appearance and evident probability that he shal practice the topick à conjugatis when wee but onely delude him with a Rhetoricall slight extracting in the interim the very marrow of his purpose so leave him in the perceivance of that à Contrariis so that he poring upon that ab effectibus findes himselfe so ignorant and uncapable of the sweet topick de adjunctis that he falles into the woefull knowledge of Repugnantia The cheife argumentation wee use in this our Rhetoricall classe is either framed by a Sorites or Dilemma By Sorites to make the pretendents strive in generositie we protract our discourse in this wise Hee that giveth most findes most instructers or destructers he that finds most instructers profiteth most he that profiteth most taketh most degrees therfore à primo ad ultimum he that giveth most taketh most degrees but yet after this induction or graduall deceite we argue secretly per violationem and beginne our orative composition of which we have two kindes to wit Oratio demonstrativa by which the selfe conceited wretch explicates demonstrates at large the perfections of his best wished objects and the men are obliged to say nothing more then what they can make manifest by proofe yet they are tyed to insist upon the prayse of their Mistresses and if they betwixt ignorance and benevolence chance to sinne against truth as oft they doe through the furious apprehension of their unlawfull Hyperbolies and are confuted of it then wee make their purses fetch off the fine which their eagernesse led them into for such kinde of Oratours are forced to satisfie the virgin with giftes for the wrong they have done in belying her beautie modesty discretion or the like The women when they have received presents either from the obliged or voluntieres they Rhetorize in oratione deliberativa deliberating whether their servants deserved for this or no and in this kind of discourse they are so witty beeing still ayded with dilemmicall arguments that they catch and let loose againe as often as they please and in so dubious a manner that their gazing Auditors become no lesse ready to present againe then drowned in confusion which way to interpret the reality of their Mistresses oration Some times my females ascend the Pulpit provided with oratio funebris but this only when a rich Devotist sudainely departs this life and leaves his Mistris heire of all then shee laments his death in words filling the ayre with lacrymable syllables although her heart leapeth for joy and alacrity that he is gone The women also extend their voyces in genere orationis demonstrativo but most frequently when their impoverished servants faile to performe their amorous suites they use the oration in vituperium which they freely bestow upon those vagabondes that have so long beene slaves to their wills and their owne misfortunes But friends wee lose time in these inferiour Classes let us now proceede to the more noble liberall arts which said Cupid brought me to a double leaved doore upon which were painted many horrid and unknowne monsters chimeras and meere pictoricall fictions with many conceites in the midst thereof was this hexasticon If you with women in our logick schoole Desire to argue still observe this rule First with obeysance aske their free consent Then put in Darj your whole argument So shall you soone conclude and please them too 'Cause in Celarent they will answer you I had no sooner comprehended in my judgement and memory this stroph but we entred into a very faire and spacious hall all thronged thicke with a great number of gallants both men and women men of all ages or at the least from those which Terence termes ex ephoebis to those which I terme ex rebus or without mony who passed away for bankâ—outs but the women were for the most part all young few or none exceeding thirty yeares of age all were set downe and gave eare to a grave and something ancient matron or moderatrix who was seated in a most respendent pulpit studded with pearle and the most precious gemmes the Indians can afford shee joyntly with all her disciples made a very humble obeysance at our entrance to their Regent Cupid and the grave Matron began in this manner Logick which you are to bee instructed in is that which hath for its formall object ens rationis and not without cause since ens rationis habet fundamentum reale that is to say a reall or more significant a ryall for its foundation which is a peece of money so called for you must know that the male kinde are those that are to stand of the materiall part of our Logick and the femall on the formall since therefore the foundation or materiall object consisteth of royall it is convenient that the formall should be ens rationis and appropriated to the women kinde
a quadrat because their liberall gifts are still presented as I may say in aequilibrio not one exceeding his corrivall but when one out-strips the rest in generosity wee constitute this quaterniall crew to be a quadrangle and no longer a quadrat ever preferring him that is most bountifull and quick in freenesse of hand and heart before the rest and because hee extendeth the quadrilaterall company and draweth them on to imitate his actions wee stile him the acute angle But now to speake of a difficult in Mathematicks let us speake of a circle which being defined Omnium figurarum capacissimam esse therefore most chargeable to be filled but the most cost is required when you will attempt to finde out the center for this being the chiefe secret in all this Classe and onely in the womens power to teach and instruct and againe since it cannot be found out but by the semidiameter which is very apt to erre unlesse your Mistris hold your compasse and rule and guide your pen otherwise it is impossible to draw a straight line from the circumference to the center which you desire because the place where you draw is in perpetuall agitation and therefore to effect this it is necessary you see her exceedingly otherwise you shall not obtaine her favour or your owne freedome nay when by her direction you have found out the center yet when you experience againe you must either bring your reward or else you labour in vain to find out the same point At the end of this discourse wee came to the next Port which was thus superscribed If you in Fencing practice doe take gust And would at pleasure give a secret thrust Let your bright Rapier still well pointed be With a rich Diamond or a golden fee This is said Cupid our Fencing Schoole whose wards thrusts back-blowes venies wipes touches crosse-cudgelling and under-pointed agility depend all of Mathematicall angles such as wee have above-mentioned very eager and boisterous are this active traine but yet there is no danger of homicide the order is that men shall fence against women who although they chance to make a thrust against these weaker vessels and pierce them at least two handfull deepe yet the wound is not mortall because the men have provided a plaister of yellow salve and a pretty quantity of unguentum argenteum the application of which not onely easeth her of the wound she felt but so restores her that shee is ready for a second combat and observe how deepe the man makes the incision or penetration so deepe doth the woman dive into his purse for the marrow of a fat purse is the best and speediest remedy that can be Wee passing by accompanied with this discourse I perceived the doore halfe open whether it were for benefit of the ayre or to be beheld I am not certaine but I made use of the opportunity and dulling my pace I espied within as Cupid had related men to women and women to men extreme beautifull and handsome the men were furnished with Bucklers some of plate and some of Gold with bluntish Rapiers in their hands yet not so blunt but they would enter the most difficult and invincible part of any woman there present the women had darts headed with Cupids gold which the women casting at them made them halfe frantick to embrace them but the Law was that no man should close but he must first deliver up his Buckler into the possession of his adversary which they observed all that made their thrusts and closed upon it and at the departure or retiring I marked that the man returned without his Buckler and with the point of his Rapier hanging downewards to signifie he was overcome Cupid would not permit me to make any longer observation by reason of our abreviated time but commanded mee to accompany him and when I had overtaken him wee were just against another port caractered with this exhasticon Arithmetick doth teach you how to summe Then bring full bags if here you meane to come Here in Addition men negotiate To girles Subtraction we appropriate Multiplication is the Gallants Guide Whose quick Division is the womens pride This is Arithmeticke said Cupid of which you have seen some experience in other schooles I have nothing more to shew you here but that the chiefe rule in this Classe is that which is called the golden number the rest is a procession founded upon this matter which is made by proportions or rather proportionalities which grow into grosser summes by an equall ascent continuè accrescendo but for those which Euclide calls proportionalitates discretae wee meddle not with them nisi tà m per accidens quà m per accedens verbi gratiâ quando homo indiscretus discretè nobis pecunias annumerat as to declare the case more plainely when a civill or maudlin-drunkard for we detest the very sight of a bedlam-drunkard hath lost his wits in a quart pot and meeting one of my Girles intreates her to keep his ring rich hat-band or purse untill next morning and he immediately fettered in Morphean bands sleepes away the memory of all his last nights worke Hee that will be of most account must sum in figures of eight and nine and the neerer hee comes to thousands millions and so is graduated and seated supra convexum gazophylacii but yet not admitted tangere concavum nisi sit fortassis onustus but he that brings his summes or accounts cast up in nothing but cyphers is rewarded like the Poet that presented a Booke of verses to his Emperour who perusing them and not finding one perfect verse throughout the whole Volume rewarded him with so many blowes upon the backe as there were verses in the Booke This said we came to another Port that gave me notice of the practice within being thus portured Geometry is ne'r abused worse Then when the Student hath forgot his Purse But he that brings his full 's a demi-god For that is our Geometritians Rod This said Cupid is the Schoole of Geometry which we will also passe by here is not practised the Science of Mega-cosmography but the perfect lineaments of Microcosme its longitude latitude and profundity for the liberall Geometritian if he make use of his golden Rod may measure both the Marinall and terrestriall parts of his prostrate Lindabrides without difficulty it is not to be understood that hee shall onely use this Rod but let him give it to her and she will direct him so that hee shall measure her by the foot nay palme by palme inch by inch where and how his lust or liking fancies neither hath he cause to feare she will start because this Rod charmes her to be still and quiet as the great Globe of the earth for it is like the Mercurian wand that with the first touch convinceth her to rest as if she were in a rapture If you will know the true Geometricall distance betwix her and your selfe first