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B09153 Theatre of wits ancient and modern attended with severall other ingenious pieces from the same pen [brace] viz. I. Faenestra in pectore, or, A century of familiar letters, II. Loves labyrinth: A tragi-comedy, III. Fragmenta poetica, or, Poetical diversions, IV. Virtus redivivi, a panegyrick on our late king Charles of ever blessed memory concluding with A panegyrick on His Sacred Majesties most happy return / by T.F. Forde, Thomas. 1661 (1661) Wing F1548A; ESTC R177174 187,653 418

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be his friends It seems says he to thee profitable to kill an enemy and I kill an enemy while I spare him and make him my friend while I advance him The Philosopher Anacharsis said of Solons Common-wealth That in the Consultations and Deliberations of the Greeks Wise-men propounded the matters and fools decided them Darius was wont to say of himself In a pinch and extremity of peril he was always wisest Favourinus told Adrian the Emperor who had censured him in his own profession of Grammar That he durst not be learneder than he who commanded 30. Legions Thou art an Heretick said Woodrofe the Sheriff to Mr. Rogers the Proto Martyr in Queen Maries dayes That shall be known quoth he at the day of Judgment General Vere told the King of Denmark that Kings cared not for souldiers until such time as their Crowns hung on one side of their heads Tamberlain having overthrown Bajazet asked him Whether ever he had given God thanks for making him so great an Emperor who confessing he never thought of it Tamberlain replyed that it was no wonder so ingrateful a man should be made a spectacle of misery For you saith he being blind of one eye and I lame of one leg was there any worth in us why God should set us over two such great Empires Luther was wont to say that three things make a Preacher reading prayer and temptation reading a full man prayer an holy man temptation an experienced man One having made a long tedious and idle discouse before Aristotle concluded it thus Sir I doubt I have been too tedious to you with my many words In good sooth said Aristotle you have not been tedious to me for I gave no heedto any thing you said Aigoland King of Arragon comming to the French Court to be Baptized and asking who those lazers and poor people were that waited for alms from the Emperor Charlemain's table When one answered him that they were the servants of God I will never serve that God said he that keeps his servants no better One being ready to die clapt a 20 s. peece into his mouth and said Some wiser than some if I must leave all the rest yet this I 'll take with me Sabina a Roman Martyr crying out in her travail and being asked by her Keeper how she would endure the fire the next day Oh well enough said she for now I suffer in child-birth for my sin but then Christ shall suffer in me and support me Cardinal Columnus when the Pope threatned to take away his Cardinals Hat That then he would put on an Helmet to pull him out of his throne King James after he had moderated as Dr. of the Chair at Oxford in all Faculties when in the publique Library there he beheld the little chaines wherewith the several Books were fastned to their places I could wish saith he if ever it be my lot to be carried captive to be shut up in this prison to be bound with these chains and to spend my life with these fellow-captives that stand here chained Aesop being set to sale with two other slaves a Chapman enquired of the first what he could do He to endear himself answered mountaines and wonders and what not For he knew and could do-all things The second answered even so for himself and more too But when he came to Aesop and demanded of him what he could do Nothing said he for these two have fore-stalled all and have left nothing for me The Philosopher Byon when a certain King for grief tore his hair Doth this man said he think that baldness will asswage his grief One being demanded what his studies would stead him in his decrepit age answered That he might the better and with more ease leave the world The Embassadors of Samos being come to King Cleomenes of Sparta prepared with a long prolix Oration to stir him up to war against the tyrant Polycrates after he had listned a good while unto them his Answer was Touching your Exordium I have forgotten it the middle I remember not and for the conclusion I will do nothing in it Scipio being one day accused before the Roman people of an urgent and capital offence in stead of excusing himself or flattering the Judges turning to them he said It will well beseem you to judge of his head by whose means you have authority to judge of all the world Atisthenes was wont to say to his disciples Come on my Masters let you and me go to hear Socrates there shall I be fellow-disciple with you Julius Drusius to those Workmen which for 3000 crowns offered so to reform his house that his neighbours should no more over-look into it I will give you 6000 said he and contrive it so that on all sides every man may look into it The Stanhop said merrily That not he but his stately house was guilty of high treason Eleazer a Jew being demanded when it would be time to repent amend Answered One day before death And when the other replyed that no man knew the day of his death He said Begin then even to day for fear of failing Apollidorus was wont to say of Chrysippus his Books That if other mens sentences were left out the pages would be void Gato said He had rather men should ask why he had no Statues erected for him than why he had A certain Souldan who died at the Siege of Zigetum being perswaded by the Muphti not to suffer so many Religions as were in his Dominions He answered That a nosegay of many flowers smelled far more sweet than one flower onely Pope Sixtus said That a Pope could never want money while he held a pen in his hand One said of Erasmus his Enchyridion That there was more devotion in the Book than in the Writer A Frenchman being asked by one of his Neighbours if the Sermon were done No saith he it is said but it is not done neither will be I fear in haste When one asked the Duke of Alva whether he had not observed the great Ecclipse of the Sun No truly said he I have so much business on earth that I have no time to look up to heaven A Physician was wont to say pleasantly to delicate Dames when they complained they were they could not tell how but yet they could not endure to take any Physick Your onely way is to be sick indeed and then you will be glad to take any medicine Diogenes being asked what time is best for meals He answered For the rich man when he had a stomack and for a poor man when he could get meat Jovinian said to the Orthodox and Arrian Bishops contending about Faith Of your learning I cannot so well judge nor of your subtle disputations but I can observe which of you have the better behaviour An Arrian Bishop entreating the Emperor Constantine to give them a Church He answered If your cause be good one is too few but if bad one is too
in the Church like a Bishop but as he was Duke going guarded like a Tyrant Whither thinkest thou the Bishop shall go when the Duke shall be damned King Edward the 3d. having the King of France prisoner here in England and feasting him one time most sumptuously pressed him to be merry The French King answered How can we sing songs in a strange Land Calvin answered his friends with some indignation when they admonished him for his healths sake to forbear studying so hard What said he would you that my Master when he comes should find me idle Spiridion a godly Bishop in Cyprus having not what else to set before a guest that came to him in Lent set him a piece of pork to feed on and when the stranger made a scruple of eating flesh in Lent saying I am a Christian and may not do it Nay therefore thou mayst do it said he because to the pure all things are pure Dr. Preston on his death-bed said He should change his place not his company A certain stranger comming on Embassage to Rome and colouring his hair and pale cheeks with vermilion hue a grave Senator espying the deceit stood up and said What sincerity are we to expect at this mans hands whose locks and looks and lips do lye Sir Horaetio Vere when in the Palatinate a Council of War was called and debated whether they should fight or not Some Dutch Lords said That the enemy had many peeces of Ordnance in such a place and therefore it was dangerous to fight That Nobleman replyed My Lords if you fear the mouth of the Cannon you must never come into the field Sir John Burroughs receiving a mortal wound in the Island of Rhees and being advised not to fear death but to provide for another world He answered I thank God I fear not death and these thirty years together I never arose in the morning that ever I made account to live while night A learned Frier at a Council complaining of the abuse of the Clergy Preaching before the Emperor wished him to begin a reformation of the Clergy à minoribus The Emperor thanked him for his Sermon and said He had rather begin à majoribus from the better sort of the Clergy Aristippus being told that Lais loved him not No more saith he doth wine nor fish yet I cannot be without them The Lord Burleigh being at Cambridge with Queen Elizabeth viewing the several Schools said Here I find one School wanting and that is the School of Discretion Henry the 4th told the Prince his Son Getting is a chance but keeping is a wit A Philosopher that hearing his creditor was dead kept the money which he had borrowed without witnesses a night or two but after some strugling with his conscience he carried it to his Executor saying Mihi vivit qui aliis mortuus est though he be ded to others he 's still alive to me Severus the Emperor having passed through many adventures at last died in our land overladen with troubles weighing with himself what his life had been he brake forth into these speeches I have been all that might be and now am nothing the better Scipio viewing his army said There was not one who would not throw himself from the top of a tower for love of him Hildebert Bishop of Mentz said of the Roman Courtiers Employ them not and they hinder you Employ them in your causes and they delay them if you sollicite them they scorn you if you enrich them they forget you When Antonius had made away his brother Geta after the first year of their joynt Empire he entreated Papinianus a famous Lawyer to plead his excuses Who answered It is easier Paricidium facere quam excusare thou mayst said he command my neck to the block but not my tongue to the bar I prize not my life to the pleading of an evil cause Simonides being asked what did soonest grow old among men Made answer A benefit Apollonius ●hianaeus having travelled over all Asia Africk and Europe said There were two things whereat he marvelled most in all the world the first was that he always saw the proud man command the humble the quarrellous the quiet the tyrant the just the cruel the pitiful the coward the hardy the ignorant the skilful and the greatest thieves hang the innocent A Philosopher being asked how he could endure so ill a Wife as he had The answer which he gave was I have hereby a School of Philosophy in my house and learning daily to suffer patiently I am made the more milder with others Alexander seeing Diogenes tumbling among dead bones he asked him what he sought To whom the other answered That which I cannot find the difference between the rich and the poor Demonax asked one a question who answered him in old obsolete affected words Prethee fellow said he where are thy wits I ask thee a question now and thou answerest 400 years ago Albertus Duke of Saxony was wont to say that he had three wonders in one City viz. three Monasteries For the Fries of the first had children and yet no wives the Friers of the second had a great deal of corn and yet no land the Friers of the third abounded with moneys and yet had no rents A Captain sent from Caesar unto the Senators of Rome to sue for the prolonging of his government abroad understanding as he stood at the Council-chamber-door that they would not condiscend to his desire clapping his hand upon the pummel of his sword Well said he seeing you will not grant it him this shall give it him When Anne Bolen that vertuous Lady had received a message from Henry the 8th that she must instantly prepare her self for death answered That she gave him humble thanks for all his favours bestowed upon her as for making her of a mean woman a Marchioness of a Marchioness a Queen but especially seeing he could not on earth advance her to any greater dignity that he would now send her to rest and reign upon Gods high and holy throne When Tully was asked which Oration of Demosthenes he liked best He answered The longest Diogenes said of one That he cast his house so long out at the window that at last his house cast him out of the door having left nothing rich except a nose There are two saying fathered on two great Counsellors Secretary Walsingham and Secretary Cecil one used to say at the Council-Table My Lords stay a little and we shall make an end the seoner The other would oft-times speak of himself It shall never be said of me that I will defer till to morrow what I can do to day Adrian the Sixt said A Physician is very necessary to a populous Country for were it not for the Physician men would live so long and grow so thick that one could not live for the other It was a bold answer Captain Talbot returned Henry the 8th from Calais who having received special
by an Englishman as they travelled through Morea did not onely not revenge it nor abandon him to the pillage and outrage of others but conducted him unto Zant in safety Saying God forbid that the vill any of another should make him betray the charge that was committed to his trust A great Courtier of the great Moguls noted to be a great neglecter of God a souldier of approved valour but being in dalliance with one of his women she pluckt an hair from his brest which grew about his nipple which presently began to fester and in short time after became a canker incurable Seeing he must die he uttered these words Who would have thought but that I who have been so long bred a Souldier should have died in the face of my enemy by some instrument of war c But now though too late I am forced to confess that there is a great God above whose Majesty I have ever despised that needs no bigger lance than an hair to kill an Atheist or a d●spiser of his Majesty King Henry the 7th having pressed Doctor Fisher to the Bishoprick of Rochester all men thinking it to proceed from the request of the Lady Margaret the Kings Mother and his Mistris The King said Indeed the modesty of the man together with my Mothers silence spake in his behalf He refused the Bishopricks of Lincoln and Ely proffered him by Henry the 8th contenting himself with his former though less Saying Others have larger pastures but I have lesser charge of souls so that when I shall be called to an account for both I shall be the better able to give an account of either Bishop Fisher having all his plate stolne in one night his servant pursuing the thieves found some pieces that they had let fall by the way the Bishop observing the next day the sad countenances of his servants when knowing the cause said If this be all we have more cause to rejoyce that God hath restor'd us to some than to be discontented that wicked men have taken away any for the least favour of God Almighty is more to be esteemed than all the evil which the Devil and all his wicked instruments can do unto us therefore let us sit down and be merry thank God it is no worse and look ye better to the rest Sir Thomas Moore meeting the Bishop going before the Kings Commissioners at Lambeth saluted him in these terms Well met my Lord I hope we shall meet in heaven To which the Bishop reply'd This should be the way Sir Thomas for it is a very streight gate we are in They both suffer'd for refusing the Oath of Supremacy The Bishop would alwayes say That the remembrance of death came never out of season The Bishops man being clapt up a close prisoner and threatned to be hanged for carrying letters from his Master to Sir Thomas Moore they then being both prisoners in the Tower asked the Keeper If there were another Act of Parliament come forth whereby a man should be hang'd for serving his Master When Henry the 8th was told the Bishops resolve to accept of the Cardinals Hat if the Pope sent it to him The King said Yea is he yet so lusty Well let the Pope send him a Hat when he will Mother of God he shall wear it on his shoulders then for I will leave him never a head to set it on Cardinal Poole saith of Bishop Fisher in an Epistle Dedicatory to Henry the 8th That if an Embassador had been to be sent from earth to heaven there could not among all the Bishops and Clergy so fit a man be chosen as he A foreign Embassador some 200 years since comming to Durham addressed himself first to the high and sumptuous Shrine of St. Cuthbert If thou beest a Saint pray for me Then comming to the plain low and little Tomb of St. Bede Because said he thou art a Saint good Bede pray for me Richard the 3d. said no less spightfully than falsly of the Woodvills brethren to the Wife of his brother King Edward the 4th by whom they were advanced That many were made noble who formerly were not worth a noble One asked which was the best Edition of St. Augustine To whom this answer was given generally true of all ancient Authors Even that Augustine which is least corrected There is a tradition of King Henry the 8ths fool comming into the Court and finding the King transported with an unusual joy boldly asked of him the cause thereof To whom the King answered It was because the Pope had honoured him with a style more eminent than any of his Ancestors O good Harry quoth the fool let thou and I defend one another and let the faith alone to defend it self The Lady Katherine King Henry the 8ths divorced Wife was wont to say She accounted no time lost but what was laid out in dressing of her Once an Eloquent Orator free only of words being otherwise extreamly covetous made a large and elegant Oration in Latine to perswade others bountifully to contribute to a proper object of charity whilst he himself would not part with one penny to that purpose To whom one of his Audience though far his inferiour in Eloquence made this sharp but short return Qui suadet sua det Let him who seeks to perswade others give something of his own Henry the 5th having born away the Crown supposing his Father had been dead when his Father used these words How I came by it and what right I have unto it God knows He said I am to receive it from you as your next heir and howsoever you came by it I will keep the possession of it by the sword against all mine enemies When Gowry was led to the Tower a friend of his told him Ah my Lord I am sorry you had no more wit Tush quoth he thou know'st not what thou sayest when sawest thou a fool come hither When the Romans had nominated Titus Manlius Torquatus to be Consul he alledging the infirmity of his eyes refused the honour and said He should bring in a very ill and pernitious example if he should undertake to govern the Common-wealth with other mens eyes Charls the 9th King of France offered to the Prince of Conde his choise whether he would go to Masse or choose perpetual banishment or imprisonment What replyed he to goe to Masse is simply a sin therefore I will never choose that but to choose either perpetual banishment or imprisonment that I cannot doe for then I should imply a certain guiltiness in my self but it is in your power O King to inflict which you please and I am ready to suffer When Dionysius presented three whores before Aristippus bidding him make choise of them He said That Paris had such bad success for choosing one of that kind that he would never make choise of one of the three A certain Scholar amongst the Jews asked one of the Rabbies his Master Whether he might read