first cut verifying the old Proverbe That the eye sees not the heart grieves not He is very indulgent to his spouse giving her her own way in al things lest she should take it knowing that women are most apt to forbidden fruit There is a speciall Sympathy by instinct betwixt him and his Corrivall or Cuckolder for he alwaies loves him best his wife likes best a speciall token of a patient and true husband Hee never grieves at his keeping of other mens children for he is very charitable that way and being fill'd with blind zeale loves them aswell as if they were his owne Hee palpably possesseth his place in his Pew without the least conceit of pointing at him and welcomes him to dinner that is i'th'dish before him which his wife passeth by without blushing praying the Gentleman to be his owne Carver whilst the silly man nere dreames of her intent after his decease or his then departure He lives a very contented life and is not troubled with Jealousie the torment of the mind but takes all in good part so shee bee pleased He spends his time thus till hee becomes one of the head-broughs of his Parish and holds his Velvet hornes as high as the best of them he minds his owne affaires more than his wives actions and if he dyes not a Pricket hee may live to bee an old Stagge a very Lordly beast 33. An Informer IS a spye or Knave errant that peepes into the breaches of penall Statues not for love to the Common-wealth as his owne lucre amongst which Assisa panis cervitia th' assize of Bread and beer are his greatest Revenues for winking at small faults and coozening the King and Subjects both at once for though the pretence of his profession be for the fulfilling of the Statutes yet his Roguish mystery aymes at his ovvne ends He transformes himselfe into severall shapes to avoyd suspition of Inn-holders and invvardly joyes at the sight of a black Pot or Iugge knovving that their sale by sealed quarts spoiles his Market and abates his mercinary Coozenage As he is an Informer so he should be a Reformer but for his quarterly fees from Tap-houses for connivance vvhich fees are the cause of so much froth in the Tapster to recover that againe of vvhich he vvas cheated He sneakes like a Serjeant into every corner to take advantage and drinkes up mens drinke and makes them pay for it As hee loves no man so he is hated of all and is very neere hell when hee is drunke in the Celler Hee is the scum of Rascality and the abuser of the King and his Exchequer both together yet he seldome thrives in his impostures in regard of his greater sharers whose vassall and slave hee is All men behold him with indignation and point him out knave in every Parish which he willingly puts up in hope one day to avenge himselfe upon their purses His gaine is extortion which may in time pul both his eares from his head or dig him a grave under the Gallowes which he hath already deserved 34. A Batchelour IS one that carries a great burthen about him Concupisence to which he is either given over or in perpetuall combate betwixt the flesh and the spirit He is never quiet in his minde for he is continually chusing and commonly assoone dislikes his owne choyce a great point of folly in him to be provok't to any thing either by opinion or purblind Passion He is one whose honesty cannot shelter him from suspition and imputation of his next neighbour by reason of his supposed vigour Hee dreames away his best time and sowes his seed in other mens gardens which they reape and are no gainers by it whilest hee hath scarce any left to sow in his owne Hee thinks himselfe happie in that he hath none to care for but himself whilest he cares not at all for his Nobler selfe his Soule and dyes without Vine to his house side or an Olive plant to his Table so that posterity shal not behold any of his Progeny Hee courts each handsome object his veines being full of Venus and his heart of Cupids darts which in short time so sting him that happily ere long he salutes Hymen and proves an honest man for the obtaining whereof in his former estate he was far out of his way except made an Eunuch and consequently been hated by the softer Sex for ever after 35 An under-Sheriffe IS an active fellow begot by the Statute for a yeere and then his Name extinguisheth though he be sharer in anothers the next yeere after He is the feare and terror of all debtors as also the free entertainer of the Creditour who daily solicites him with coyne to be expeditious in his Catching which hee discreetly entertaines with protestation of performance whilst a fee on the contrary forceth him to neglect knowing that though delaies prove dangerous yet all makes for his advantage in the end He is the birth life and death of the Law The birth is the first processe the life the execution and the death the stopping the breath of the execution by giving notice to those that never requite him with nothing Hee is one subject to much danger and ought to have both wit and valour the one to defend his purse the other his carkasse lest the Exchequer cut the one and the Countrey Rebel the other He understands more than the high Sheriffe his Master and may vvell for he buyes his wit of him which is ever the best and sells it again at a treble value proving a great gainer if his Quietus est doth not too much gripe him He is outvvardly respected more for feare than love and as little esteemed vvhen he is out of his office vvhich vvill be next Michaelmas Terme and then you may trade vvith him for ten groats an Attourneys fee his Collaterall profession 36. A Drawer IS one deepely read in the mysteries of the Celler diving into the secrets of Hogsheads and is much conversant in the mingling of his ware Hee is of such celerity that hee ascends the Staires in a moment and descends them as suddenly especially when hee is throwne downe He is one that trusts all commers for he onely cryes score it but hee trusts them no further than he sees them and when their braines and bellies are full hee lookes they should empty their purses Hee is subject to many ill words which he as patiently bears as they are like to doe his blowes if they want the Reckoning Hee should be very wise by the continuall sight of so many severall humours and would be so but for the fumigation of the Celler which elevates his wits and makes them fly so high that they sometimes catch a fall He is alwayes a good fellow and loves a Gentleman for that hee is sometimes one himselfe He drinks the best drink which breeds the best blood the cause hee commonly loves a Wench for hee is a man of great trading I
goose hath made such impression in her that her Ladies Closet is thereby impoverisht and her Marmelet melted in his mischievous mouth The beds and she are a kinde of Relatives where by reason of her neer alliance and familiarity she catcheth many a fall to which she is subject but is seldome hurt by it in regard of their softnesse She is the instrumental cause of her Ladies Curiosity and Pride the originall as also the secret and soft shutter of the Portall when her Lady would be private Sowing and starching is her prime occupation and the Close-stoole her greatest slavery She is a creature commonly very courteous and may prove an honest woman if she be not puft up in the place She is the patient endurer of her Ladies peevishnesse which perhaps may purchase her a pair of old silke stocking which she providently laies up till the next Summer and then dernes them for the wedding day Watching and warming of cloathes in a short time wrinkcles her and the blossome once blasted the fruit faileth The best she can acquire is but Mistris of the Maydes and the worst that can befall her is but footing of Stockings 9. A broken Citizen IS one whose hornes are growne so great that hee is asham'd they should bee seene and is therefore glad the Gates are wide enough to give may to his passage of which he takes his vale for a certaine season to some sinister Sanctuary where hee lyes at racke and manger whilest his too credulous Creditors are gnawing their Thumbes By his subtill carriage hee wrought himselfe into their Credit of set purpose shortly to be out of their company which with acute language hee hath at last accommplisht and now they may go look this Bush-lane needle in a bottle of hay He absents himselfe so cunningly that they shal not so much as heare of him till they have spent their galls and then by degrees he gives way to their inquiry with a letter from Ireland or some place farre remote whilest though disguis'd hee is at the next Taverne to them observing how like so many Kites they lay wait for the Chicken in the Wood-pile Hee hath beene a man of a large tongue short haire which two have beene great helpes to his game He is a man now so well ly'nd with the coyne acquired by his former impostures that hee is in a quandary whether to give them a desired Composition of twelve pence i' th pound or to abjure the City for ever His Conscience as false as the light he once deceiv'd by tells him they that lost it may spare it and hee that winnes ought may weare it whilst he spends it worse than hee got it and must certainly pay for it he knowes not how soone He now discovers the secrets of filly Tradesmen and laughs at his sleight in his higher Spheare He hath now admitted himselfe amongst the multitude of Man-slayers and feeds them for feare and his owne folly for fashion Milford lane and Ram-ally are his Castles Casheerd Captaines his companions Souldiers his Conductors and Serjeants and Bayliffs his perpetuall dreame and Terror and in that liâ—tle ease I 'll leave him till hee hath spent that he hath stolne and then his last Refuge is Ludgate where his doleful voice gives more delight than pitty to his repining Creditors 10 An old Bawd IS a menstrous beast engendred of divers most filthy excrements by the stench of whose breath the Ayre is so infected that her presence is an inevitable contagion her eyes more poysonous than the Basilisk her nose if any most pestilent pocky her tongue more subtile than the Hyena who stil howles in some fained voice for the devouring of innocents one who hath damnably destroyed her own soul and is divellishly devising the destruction of others Shee is the mother of impudency the Dungeon of diseases the daughter of lust and the most obscene sister of scurrilous and lascivious delights And excellent Astronomer for by the ratling of her bones she can discover the alteration of the weather Fooles have fatted her up to the day of slaughter and Knaves are ready to cut her throat for it Marshals Beadles and Constables are her continual terrour whom by much silver shee perswades to silence silly maids untam'd youths and sullen wives are her chiefe marchandizes and she sells sinne on both hands at a high rate Adulterate beauties and counterfeit complexions are her alluring baits to deceive the simple and all 's fish that comes to net with her All the credit shee hath got by her abomination is carting without coÌ„miseration casting of loathsome things at her defiled Carkasse Diseases at last dry up her marrow and rottennesse so shivers her that she drops asunder on a sudden and wretchedly dyes without pity for whom a Christian buriall is too courteous 11. A Pander IS the Spaniell of a Bawd who fetcheth and carrieth at her pleasure and is the most servile slave of basenes For halfe a crown he will be your servant all day and for the whole cut your throat at night His lookes are commonly silly and dejected but you will finde his heart deceitfull and his actions damnable He will fawne upon those he feares and roughly misuse those he can master He lives at all distances and postures one while Tapster or Tobacco-seller otherwise Strumphusher now brother then Cozen sometimes master of the house yet all this while Rogue Theefe and Pimpe He is impudency it selfe for if the officer approcheth he sweareth and forsweareth as the case shall require Hee is much subject to Kicking and is often basted together with his Bawd He walkes in perpetuall darknesse and is still in danger of the Watch and cannot be otherwise than the abortive issue of some Adulteresse his nature is so consonant to theirs He is spur'd out of all honest company and fostred with none but fornicators Helives thus till Bridewell hath possest his Bitches and the Pox possest him And then with a meagre countenance and creeping thred bare Cloke hee creepes from Bawd to Bawd for a crust to comfort his crazy Carkasse and at last in his owne ordure most desperately and distractedly dyes in a ditch a grave already digged for him 12. A Countrey Girle or Darling IS a raw young and green maid newly arrived at the Haven of discretion and yet farre from the Port thereof one that thinkes more than she speaks speaks more than she understands and understands more than shee dares expresse Shee is prankt up like a Peacocke by her doting Parents and is the precious pearle of her mothers Pride for the Crow thinkes his owne bird the fairest and they thinke their Goose a Swan She is a babby trim'd up for every feast and faire where the Plough-drag salutes her with two kisses two penny-worth of peares and a two-penny red ribbon which hath so ravisht the Girle that shee gads after him with much greedinesse and presently puts finger i' th eye for his absence
Shee is very towardly and tractable the cause that her father so feares his horse-keeper lest hee should steale her and his horse together She is one whom no desert can gaine nor Gentry obtaine except he can first plough with that Heiffer and then hee may finde out the Riddle for she is falne in love with an Acrestaffe and longs to handle it Shee is her fathers hope and her mothers happinesse the Paragon of that Progeny though the coursest in that Countrey If they dare trust her she is sent to be sold at the next Market together with her Basket of Butter where at the Crosse her simpring will scarce give her leave to tell the price on 't And thus I leave her stil longing for something that her friends like not and in that only consists her wisedome that she will please her fancy sooner than her friends 13. A Lawyers Clarke IS a spruce youth somewhat above the degree of a Scrivener much conversant amongst sheets skins Subjects he works upon much and is a kind of Jugler who by slight of hand will suddenly make a cleanly conveyance of your estate that you shal not afterwards need to study how you may prodigally spend it and he will so contrive it by president that he will make you an example whilst you live He is one that will doe more with a gray Goose wing than ever Robin Hood could do and is very dangerous if once he puts his hand too 't Foure pence a sheet hath furnisht him with a new Suit and he somtimes executes the place of a Gentleman-usher upon his Mistris He is a man generally of no solidity except by his much costivenes with continuall sitting yet a man of great study insomuch it hath so stupified him that he lookes for his pen when it stickes in 's eare Littleton is too obscure for his capacity and not one amongst forty of them can reade Law French He is commonly a good fellow and loves to gaine no more than hee meanes to spend He hath a piece of Iudas his office the Carriage of the Bagge which were it full of Peeces as it is of Papers he might chance to shew his Master a tricke fort 't Hee aspiers sometimes to his Masters daughter but being stav'd off there hee choppes upon the Chamber-maid and there stickes fast he hath lookt for preferment till age hath dimm'd his eye-sight and is now endeavouring to goe Clarke of a Band in the next voluntary Voyage which if hee speed the Leagre so belouzeth him that hee returneth with much Humility and poorely prostrates himselfe for a halfe-penny a sheet He is a meere Clarke without any other quality and hath seldome any commendation but hee writes a faire hand 14. A Carle or Farmers Tenant IS a kinde of a Mole perpetually delving in the earth for his dinner and is of as great judgement as Aesops Cocke esteeming his corne more than precious stones He is a fellow of a very great stomacke which his Landlord can quaile sooner than his poore dinner pacifie And is somewhat of the natures of a Hogge looking still downeward whilst hee chawes and gathers the Acornes not knowing the Tree whence they fell and seldome looks up but for a shower He is the wretched Modell of our forefathers misery and that which was Adams curse is his calling Sorrow the sweat of his face and a barren field are his wrackt rents and revenewes and a griping Landlord his intollerable griefe Yet hee riseth early with the Larke and whistles as he thinkes to the tune she sing when his broken notes demonstrate nothing but Musicke for a horse and according to that whistle is his singing of Psalmes the cause of so much discord in the Countrey Quire When hee tils the earth he tallowes it with his own grease and endures it the better for the dunging of his ground His harvest is his greatest happines which is more welcome to him then the Sabbath and in reaping time hee wisheth none lest he should loose more in that one day than get in the other sixe for though he acknowledgeth godlinesse to be great gaine yet his greatest is his graine He is the soyle on which all Citizens and Idle folke feede the very drudge and doghorse of the world one that dares not eate the fruit of his labour lest his rent should fall short and he be turn'd forth of his toylesome Vineyard His hands are his lands his pleasures reall paines his Crops carking Cares his food the bread of sorrow his cloathes the skinnes of his outworne Cattell and taglocks of his travell his whole life a continuall toyle and his worke an endlesse warfare His greatest comfort is his lawfull Calling and his moyling in the earth a meanes of his mortification Every Clodde he turnes over is the embleme of his misery And his Colter and Share the emblemes of his grave the which hee is alwayes digging 15 A double benefic't Parson IS a Master of Arts or Crafts who by favour and coyne hath caught a degree a yeer too soon and now lies for all the livings he can lay hold of Hee hath already rung his Bells for two Parsonages and not sufficiently prefer'd by those is putting in for a Prebend or two to make himselfe more compleat in his Taffeta Tippet and more curious Cassacke Simony and he are Correlatives and that which hee obtaines by Simony he retains by Subtilty His Degrees give him a Doctor tho a very dunce and his device is now for the next Deanery to which Musicke money must be the master of the Organs if hee meanes to sing in that Quire Hee hath two Pulpits and one Sermon which he preacheth at both his Parishes at his primer induction and then a couple of silly Curates read out the rest of his Incumbrency for the twentieth part of his Parsonages He is one who hath the cure of others soules and yet by his account cares not for his owne and the more 's the pitty is clad with the fleece without feeding the flocke His Pulpets and he are so falne out that they hate one another and 't were no matter if he had falne out of them long ago His greatest study is how hee may wracke his Tythes to a higher Rate and then feed at ease like a Boar in a Frank. He 's very fearefull of another Parliament lest one of his Livings should fall short of his reckoning He hath fisht till hee hath fill'd his bagge then sits down to fill's belly and lends little or naught to the distressed Hee is one whom God hath falne out with for his two little teaching and his Neighbours for too much Tything He will sooner convert the Gleabe into a pasture than a soule to his Master and is of this opinion that if he hires one his duty is perform'd He is the cause of so many poore Schollers and his over-bidding the debarring of their gifts or forestaller of their Markets and yet he is so ill inclin'd that
up with the unctious Element of Ale that his wicket is not wide enough for his passage and therefore his gates are daily open lest they should prejudice his guts His chiefest livelihood is by the commings in of others and not of his own He is as greedy of guests as the Devill of soules and as loath to part with them which makes him so often goe gaping to the Gate with a Tapster or Oastler in 's mouth gaping for new guests His thred-bare Salutation is alwayes welcome Gentlemen which very words do winde in the Tapster and consequently a frothy Jugge and it 's ten to one but ere you have ended that hee is entred into some strange tale perhaps collected out of his last nights dreame and as true too for herein consists his best faculty in ministring cause of mirth and newes to his weary and welcome Travellers things to which he knowes mans Nature is much addicted for he reads more men than Bookes and should be wise but that his head 's too little for his body yet if he catch your horse in arrerages you 'll find him cunning enough for hee 'll raise his Crest so hye that he 'll makâ— the doore too little for him He is a great husband in hiâ— drinking for hee is neveâ— drunk at his own cost which makes my Ostesse bear with the bestowers the better and perhaps may requite them with a nights lodging for in a time of need He cannot subsist without company tho he be Cuckold for 't and is never melancholly but when Gallants passe by his gates without tarrying or tarry till he is forc'd to trust them and then he mournes i' th Chine for a moneth after His greatest trouble is that Physitians tell him he is subject to the Dropsie which he will not beleeve till hee sees it and then he and his purse are purged together of some of their sinister and superfluous gaine Drunkennesse and gluttony are his best guests of which hee is both entertainer and partaker grows fat by profusenes rich by riotous revellings which tho it somtimes disturbs the peace of his little common-wealth yet the payment of the reckoning workes his pacification with an all 's well that ends well His trade cannot faile so long as men have mouthes and mony which he knows will be till both his lease and hee expire He is a man of little or no faith the cause hee doubts his salvation yet bezils up and downe till hee waddles into his winding-sheet and then goes a journy he knowes not whither and it is wel for him if at the end of his travell hee findes an Inne not worse than his owne 27 A common Drunkard IS a reasonable beast and a sensitive man a strange Monster halfe man halfe beast swimming in the Ocean of Bacchus and like the Whale belching and foming out of his mouth and nostrils abundance of that frothy and unsavoury Element he so lately ingurgitated and swallowed to the amazement of those smaller fishes that flocke together about him and is drowned in his owne orbe One whose essential parts are so obscured his sense so dulled his eyes so dazeled his face so distorted his Countenance so deformed his joynts so enfeebled and his whole body and mind so transformed that he is become the childe of folly the derision of the world and is led like the Oxe to the slaughter as his owne executioner yet in all this his head beares the greater sway and his feet are not swift to do mischief His belly is his god the which he over-cloyes with drink-offerings and he is alwayes indebted to my Ostesse and his belly to him but he never to that so long as his Purse Credit or shame can make even with it He is one that either spues himselfe out or gives occasion to be spurn'd out of all civill company Apt to any thing he can stand to execute except Vertue a meere stranger to him Noddy is his usuall game and for Ale too till hee growes so stunified that he nods his Nose upon the Noddy-boord and in revenge strikes his opposite for the wrong offered and there the game ends and fray begins and then cals for drinke to drinke himselfe friends with them which friendly cup gives occasion of a second quarrell Hee is the Mault-worme of the Common-wealth that suckes in the juyce of the poore laborer and leaves his owne family so dry that they are either parcht with famine or burnt with thirst In briefe hee is the off-scumme of the kingdome and fit for nought but to set in the front of some vaine and voluntary voyage lest he should runne away in the Rere and rob his owne parish for ever after 28 An Elder Brother IS oft times the heire of Fortune and folly both together and will still maintaine the Proverbe Fortuna favet fatuos and as hee is heire so is he often executor to his fathers ill husbandry which sometimes gripes him so that it grindes his estate into a smaller quantity to the diminishing of the Mannor with the apurtenances Hee is so incumbred with such a Letany of Legacies for the smaller Infants that his wit is almost confounded with the very Catalogue of their names if not wholly distracted in the discharge of their portions for his braine generally is but shallow and consequently is soone empty as soone runs over He is not given to travell the Ambition of sharper wits for he is in perpetuall travell at home whose staidnesse his Low-Country brother takes advantage of by strong stratagems and designes of war till besides his Legacy he hath angled himselfe into coyne enough to purchase him a Company which hee dissolves into Dutch Ale and dries it up with more dul Tobacco His Lady with her Coach have run themselves out of their way her out of wits and him out of his mony to uphold her fancy â—nd the new fashion both together till the Mercer for his money gathers into his estate by morgage which he is as well able to redeem as to build Pauls or rule his wife His ambition is still to raise his house though he sels his land and live upon the Lease at the rate of the Purchaâ—e Hee sometimes hath wit or wealth enough to bee made a Justice for the Peace where his lookes bewray his learning and hee never speakes but to some or no purpose The Fates in Mercy made such for the reliefe of younger Mercuries and they make the best living and worst use on 't And thus I leave him that often leaves many behinde him to the Tyranny of Fortune whilest hee is studying his Pedigree 29. A yong Innes a Court Gentleman IS an Infant newly crept from the Cradle of learning to the Court of liberty from logicke to law both grounded on reason from his Tutor to the Touchstone of wits where he is now admitted amongst the brave imps of the Kingdome to grow Pillars of their Countrey Hee is his owne man now
and left to the view of faire vertue and foule vice the last of which layes siege to his tender Wals and often makes a shrewd Battery if not quite scales it He is one that for the most part forgets his errand and studies Poetry in stead of Perkins His greatest care now is how to carry himselfe according to the Dancing Art and holds it a greater disgrace to be Nonsuit with a Lady than Nonplus in the Law He tramples upon the Termes oft and holds it a base language about which to busie his more high and transcendeÌ„t thoughts When he aspires once to be a Reveller he then reveales himselfe to the full and when he should bee mooting in the Hall he is perhaps mounting in the Chamber as if his father had onely sent him to cut Capers and turne in the Ayre till his braines be adled and makes things meerly for ornament matters of speciall use His Recreations and loose expence of time are his only studies as Plaies Dancing Fencing Taverns Tobacco and Dalliance which if it be with Time is irrevocable and are the alluring baits of ill disposed extravagants He is roaring when he should be reading and feasting when he should bee fasting for his Friday-night supper doth usually equalize his weekely Commons and it 's to be feared he will exceed two meals in the weeke besides with lac't Mutton for whosoe're payes for his Commons hee 'll fall aboord He is a youth very apt to bee wrought upon at his first entrance and there are Fishers of purpose for such yong fry He atchieves much experience before he arrives at the Barre and then if ever begins to study when for his time he should begin to plead Amorous Sonnets warbled to the Vyoll are his Coelestiall Harmony and if you put a Case betweene you make a great discord Hee loves sense bettert than reason and consequently not so fit to make a Lawyer Wherefore I could wish his friends to cause him to retire before hee be too farre spent and to marry him before he be starke mad or a worse mischiefe if possible befall him 30. A Low-Countrey Common Souldier IS an idle fellow as weary of his owne Countrey as that is of him and lest hee should be prest some worser Voyage goes voluntary thither to avoid it One that hath tired al his friends here and is now transported thither to trouble the Boares there where hee is now admitted amongst a multitude of mischievous fellowes to learne all his postures the first of which is to double his Dutch Canne till his Tongue doubles betweene his teeth and then to fall out till hee be beaten into a stomacke And when that small quantity of coyne hee carried with him is exhausted he simply settles himselfe to foure shillings for eight dayes which he politikely poures down his gullet in a day and then lives by Virginian vapour a weeke after till his stomacke so wambles that hee is forc'd to lumber his upper Garment to supply his guts reserving still the Embleme of a Souldier his Sword and a Plimmouth Cloake otherwise call'd a Battoone By this time hee is well entred and will madly strike upon the least occasion which his School-fellows perceiving grow as mild now as heretofore they were malapert and will rather intreat him to drinke away his Choller or belt than force him to the field He is now growne to that height of valour that he runs over a Dutch Froken or else fals fowle upon her to the endangering of her firkin of Butter and more solid Cheese with no small effusion of teares from her fatter Ale-tub These with many other postures hee hath atchieved too by Stratagem and thinkes himselfe a Serjeant Major in these designes As for his Pike Musket he seldome troubles theÌ„ except sometimes upon meer compulsion to fill up a Company Halfe a year hath so qualified him that for want of supply he begges for a Furlow and then legs with it till hee arrives at his owne Shore with two hempteere napkins pin'd together at his shoulders for a shirt or else none at all Thus having spent his spirits he pensively creepes home with many creepers about him where having gathred up his crums tels such loud stories of the leagers he lay in discourses so superficially of the discipline of Warre that hee amazeth some Countrey Traine-Captaine insomuch that hee courteously takes him to the Alehouse and gives him a Colours for 't which he gratefully acceps and vowes hereafter rather to bee hang'd in his owne Countrey than to be abus'd by Belgicke Counterbuffes And though he hath not yet left his swearing yet hee hates lying Per dieu abominably And hath gain'd so much wit there that hee thinkes the name of a Souldier makes a man valiant rather than valour makes him a Souldier which he hath already forsworne 31. A Gentleman-usher IS a spruce fellow belonging to a gay Lady whose foot step in times of Yore his Lady followed for hee went before But now he is grown so familiar with her that they goe arme in arme the cause sometimes that he sleights the Gentlewoman and yet upon better advice pleaseth her againe in secret Hee is a man whose goings and standings ought to bee upright except his Lady be crooked and then 't is no matter though hee stoope a little to please her humour His greatest vexation is going upon sleevelesse errands to know whether some Lady slept well last night or how her Physick work'd i'th'morning things that savour not well with him the reason that oft times hee goes but to the next Taverne and then very discreetly brings her home a tale of a Tubbe His is still forc'd to stand bare which would urge him to impatience but for the hope of being covered or rather the delight hee takes in shewing his new Crisp't hayre which his Barber hath caus'd to stand like a print hedge in equall proportion He hath one Commendation amongst the rest A neat Carver and vvill quaintly administer a Trencher in due season His wages is not much except his quality exceeds but his vailes are great insomuch that he totally possesseth the Gentlewoman and commands the Chambermaid to starch him into the bargaine The smalnesse of his legs bewrayes his profession and feeds much upon Veale to increase his Calfe His greaâ—est ease is he may lye long in bed and when hee 's up may call for his breake-fast and goe without it A Twelve-moneth hath almost worne out his habit which his annuall pension will scarcely supply Yet if his Lady likes the carriage of him shee increaseth his Annuity And though shee saves it out o'th'Kitchin she 'l fill up her Closet 32. A Cuckold IS a harmlesse horned creature but they hang not in his eyes as your Wittals do the reason of his honesty and th 'others knavery He confidently gleans after the reapers not thinking of stealing and kindly embraceth the leavings of his neighbors and is aswel satisfied as if he had the
cannot tell whether his Master serves him or he his Master but I am sure they cannot wel live asunder Hee is now casting about for some Merchants Credite to set up for himselfe that his wife may keep the Barre to attract Custome and he leave his journey-worke and become as free to her as shee may bee to others 37. A good Husband IS a man who steeres all his course in a right line and weighes all his actions in an equall ballance a very good Mathematician for hee is alwayes within his Compasse but never runs circle so long as to make himselfe giddy Hee cuts out every into a Geometricall proportion to this Rule and estate nor doth his Sense too much over-rule his Reason Hee drinkes onely for thirst and eats only for hunger knowing superfluity to be the heyre of prodigality and liberality the daughter of good husbandry and Medium betwixt two extreames He is the sole happinesse of a good wife and the torment of a Waster His children never live to have cause to curse him nor his servants to accuse him for their want of wages He seriously viewes the folly of Profusenesse and is inwardly sorry to see the fall of any He is not so niggardly as to grudge himself or his friend a good meale but tasts freely though temperately of that God hath lent him and thinkes himselfe no loser by lending a little to the needy His moderate diet gives him longer dayes and his care in his calling frees him frō idlenesse the bait of his greatest enemy for in doing nothing men learne to do ill Hee loves not stolne waters though ne're so sweet but is satisfied with the brests of his owne bedfellow Hee educates his children in a Grace cannot want goods And thus hee passeth his pilgrimage with a peacefull Conscience and leaves the world with all goods mens applause so that his name dyes not with his nature His tything in his life time was so true and conscionable that the Parson preacheth his Funeral praise and perhaps gives him gratis his buriall in the Chancell 38. A Constant man IS one who hath limitted his Passions and set certaine bounds to his affections loving still in his course to hold the bridle firme in his hand lest carelesly letting the reines loose hee either stumbles dangerously or fals very foule His actions are solid not phantastike and he is very wary of promising any thing that he either thinks or knowes hee cannot performe for hee still casts beyond chance knowing a possibility and seeing a probability before he passeth his protestation Hee is one that keepes his mind within him the reason why he thinks and speakes both together without any jarre betweene his tongue and his heart His word is as good as his bond and his conscience the best debtor His love if possible is without lust or jealousie fixed on vertue where it stands firme as a rock Truth hath bound up his Temples and discretion hath so knit the knot that hee seldome makes his choyce so bad as to refuse it his word so large as to revoke it or his time so short as to piece it with delayes at its period Hee must needs bee very patient too else his constancy could not continue for impatiency breaks the fence of hope and stability and lets in despaire and levity a couple of wilde Cattel that may spoil a well growne field The wife that possesseth him is happy for there is sure hold of his word Shee findes him at his appointed houre which debarres her of many feats and she ne're eats her meat cold by staying for his comming Hee hath wealth enough if he hath but this one Vertue for all men believe him and dare trust him Time and experience have wrought him into every mans good opinion and he stands unmoved in all his dealings He hates a lyar as a thiefe and is the greatest friēd where he once professeth The world is now growne so wilde that few men are of his minde and fewer women the cause of so many cuckolds perjur'd persons and dying lovers 39. A jealous man IS one so strangely and strongly possest with the yellow Jaundis that he thinks all things of yellow colour which mistake proceeds from the defect of the eye not the object He is one whose mind is in a continuall labyrinth the further it goes the further perplexed the more it looks the more tormented and yet sees nothing but by imagination which foolish fancy lyes so heavy in his forehead that he takes it for a horne though it bee but a pimple i'th'flesh Hee consumes himself and his wives reputation both together by his too oftē causeles suspiciō and thinks a kisse tho before him a sufficient cause of divorce He is the scoffe of his neighbors and the bait that causeth many to nibble in jest that hee might vexe in good earnest He commonly dreames of his wife though never so broad awake and would keepe her in a Chest but for feare of picking the locke which sets the greater edge to her appetite and the greater madnesse to his misbeliefe His braines are in perpetuall agitation and in his fantafie being a kind of frenzy fees so many loose passages in her and lascivious embraces by his supposed Corrivals that hee 's starke mad at last with melancholy musing He lives in hell upon earth and is so besotted that hee cannot see when he is well Hee is so farre gone in his disease that all Physitians have given him over knowing there is but one medicine amongst all to cure him of this malady which is to see that really acted which he so stedfastly supposed which no doubt will shortly bee effected to the full recovery of the coxcombe and the manifestation of his error in s forehead an ornament fit for him 40. A desperate man IS one who hath forgot God the world the devils his Neighbor and himselfe and runs with precipitation into any danger All his actions are violent and therefore cannot bee permanent He is a man of no faith at all the reason he can apprehend no mercy from his Maker but all Justice He still goes with Cain's feare about him whilst hee himselfe makes a trade of murthering nor scarce toucht for 't till his fatall and then it fals so heavy that he cannot beare it He is a man of no staidnesse for he leaves a Rock to build upon the Sand. Some thinner sculs thinke him valiant because he dares stab or do any sudden mischiefe but the Schooles deny it approving valour to bee mixt with discretion which a desparate man altogether wants besides valour is vertue springing from fortitude but rashnesse a vice arising from passion He is one no way fit for any place either in Church or Common-weale for he that cānot guide himselfe is most unfit to governe others Hee is a man of small or no hope for hee is left to himselfe and then scarce a man Hee doth all things without premeditation the reason why so many disasters attend the end of his actions which he commonly feeles before he sees All that know him shun his society not so much for feare of him as the law knowing that his fury will force them to some further inconvenience Hee is setled and vested in this villany and takes a pride to be talked of for his treachery and is still glorifying in his owne shame New-gate or a worse place wil shortly take possession of him if he mend not his manners for a gracelesse man is good for nought but a Gallowes FINIS A true friend IS a Fountaine that cannot be drawne dry but alwayes affords some fresh and sweet waters to him whose necessities and extremities enforce him to fetch it He is a mans second selfe as deare as a good wife more deare than a brother else the wisest King had beene mistaken but our times justifie his Proverbe true which hee knew before He is Solamen in miserijs a Copartner in distresses with you and inwardly not fainedly beare halfe the burthen Love and you that 't is a question reciprocally answering each other in affection and are equally sensible of each others defects or disturbances Hee is no Meteor or Comet no nine dayes wonder or wandring Planet but a fixed starre by whose operative influence his needy is nourished For he is not compos'd of words but actions alwayes ready at a dead lift to draw Dun out of the myre Not onely a bare Counsellor to goodnesse and so leave you without meanes of prosecution the niggardly wisedome of these times but an assister in the way and goes on the first mile with you for company and lookes after you in the rest of your journey if he doth not travell throughout the same Hee never aymes at any of his owne ends in doing courtesies but doth them freely and quickly not drownding his good deeds in the dull performance for Qui citò dat bis dat He that gives timely gives twice He 's a certaine perpetuity that cannot bee lost by non-payment of Rent and ought to bee loved above fee-simple He is the pillar of constancy the very touchstone of Truth One that lookes upon men with the eye of Religion and is not rounded in the eare with worldly applause for it Hypocrisie and vain-glory are as farre from his hearths as the contrary Poles are from each other for his right hand shall not know what his left hand doth Hee is in these iron dayes Rara avis in terra a blacke Swan or a white Crow as rare as the Phoenix and such a precious Jewell as the Indies cannot afford his parallell He is most happy that hath him and I advise him to make much of him for he hath great fortune indeed if he findes a second FINIS