Devil that they do you no hurt Then be sure to keep your Chamber it will keep you I kept mine many a long year and nothing came But at last Thanks to my Stars and these good Times it came to the purpose Ty. Yes Sir I know this to be true for my Mother would be continually preaching this Lesson to my Father Ru. Then you must never examine your Cause whither it be good or bad If it be good and of no great concernment it will carry it self If bad there 's your Master-piece to help it out Every Fool can manage a good Cause but He 's your Man can set the Nose to which side he pleases and make something out of nothing Ty. I hope I shall have the grace to put it in practice and wish my Father were alive to thank you Ru. Then if at any time you find you have the worst end of the staffe Leave your Cause and fall upon the person of your Adversary Put it out boldly and enough of 't and somewhat must stick No matter how true or false it begets a prejudice to the person and many times forjudges the Cause For Example now to give you an instance in a Gentleman a friend of mine a great Master of this way of pleading A Gentleman with a long comely beard demurrs to his Clients Bill My friend takes him at first hop and demurrs to his beard calls it a Vow-beard and that he had made an Oath not to cut it till the King came in And heark you had he had Twenty Arguments he might have better spar'd the other Nineteen than that One I could tell you of as good a one of my own and upon as great a Person as any this day in Europe Ah! how I firk't him up with a Chip of the old Block and Twenty as good But enough of this now The thing is sufficiently known and it ill becomes a man to set out his own Vertues But try this and do it boldly and never doubt of Clients A modest Lawyer A silent Woman A Paradox in Nature Ty. I can but thank you still Sir Ru. I had almost forgot one thing and no way inferiour to any of the rest If you find any Commotion in the State be sure to strike in with the first If you get nothing Cantabit vacuus You 'll pass in the Crowd If you do you 'll have money enough to purchase your pardon and perhaps too get in to be some great mans Advocate Chew the Cud upon this for the present and as I find you growing up to 't I shall instruct you farther Exeunt ACT. I. SCE. 5. Enter Whitebroth Coughing Mrs. Whitebroth Beatrice Cis Timothy laden with Books Wh. I Do profess this Mr. Scruple is a singular man M. W. I indeed is he I never edify'd under any man like him But how d' you my Lamb How d' you Tim. A vengeance over grown one I have seen many a Ram in my time has not been so big by the head and the horns Aside Whitebroth Coughs all the while Bea. How do you Sir You don't look well Wh. Nothing but a Cold my Child nothing but a Cold I hope ' twill away again He Coughs again M. W. Cis Cis A stick of Licoras Cis. Enter D. D. and his wife Cis. I have some Candid Ginger forsooth M. W. Here Chick prithee bite a bit of 't 't is the most soveraign thing next a Pepper posset as can be D. D. Save your good Worship It fell in an ill time I am afraid it may beget an obstruction of justice by hindring your Worships sitting on the Bench. Wh. How d' you Neighbours both How d' you you 're welcome Coughs I am afraid I sate a little too long in the cold Again Come Neighbour Diligence you and I 'll walk in and leave the Women to entertain Mr. Scruple D. D. I wait upon your Worship Exeunt Wh. D. D. M. W. Timothy Tim. Madam M. W. Quickly good Timothy quickly Run in and get the Towels ready After good Cis after him and see they be through warm Exeunt Tim. Cis. Enter Scruple Oh Mr. Scruple Mr. Scruple Alas good man how he sweats Tim. Tim. Tim. A Towel Tim a Towel quick quick quick Enter Tim. Tim. Here forsooth M. D. Now blessing o' your heart good Mr. Scruple you have taken a great deal of pains to day Tim. Or his Lungs have which is all one Aside M. W. Truly and indeed a great Pains-taker They pull him down into a low Chair and rub him Come Mr. Scruple You have stood long to day Pray sit down We must Rule you here Will you have a Caudle Sir Alas poor man How wet the Collar of his Shirt is Feel Diligence I prithee feel M. D. Now beshrew me but 't ' as work 't quite through his Doublet Coat Cloak and all Sc. Hum I am refreshed yea in good sooth I am M. W. Will you have a Lemmon Posset Sir Sc. I fear me it is too cold M. W. Will you go to Bed Sir Or have a fresh Shirt How do you Sir Tim. Troth very ill upon a Text. Aside Sc. I am well enough only a qualm a qualm M. W. What say you to your Collar of S' S. then Sc. That would not be amiss There 's no false Latine in 't M. W. Quickly Tim quickly A Pint of Sack a Quart of Sider and a handful or two of Sugar and put 'um into the great Bowle Run Timothy Run Dear Child do thou help him Tim. Call you me this his Collar of S' S Aside You shall have it presently Exeunt Tim. and Bea. M. D. I am afraid you are not well Sir Sc. Yes I am so so You would not think how 't has recover'd me one would hardly believe what a rejoycing to my spirit it is to see you thus eager and as it were hungry for your food Ah-Be the same still you cannot lay out your selves nor I my self forth enough in these wayes Pray mark it We cannot lay out our selves forth enough one to another These often Duties put us into a spiritual posture of War Ah It is best fighting together Ah What a precious thing it is when we are both concern'd together and Ah Ah as a man may say wrap't up in one common Cause and Interest Ah Good sisterly women consider it and lay it upon your hearts The women answer him in a long drawn sigh Hui But how does Mr. Alderman Methought I heard him Cough ere while How does he M. W. Now indeed I think he sate a little too long in the cold He has gotten a heavy Cough of 't Sc. To see the frailty of mans Nature How weary of every thing that is good How irksom it is unto us I dare undertake he should have sate at a lewd Stage-play a whole Afternoon Nay with his Hat off too and Ah been nev'r the worse M. W. But are these Stage-playes such lewd things as you make them Sc. Why truly you are
M. D. I indeed Husband that you have and more behind your back than ever I told you of T. T. Comes up and salutes D. D. T. T. Worthy Sir your servants humble servant D. D. Alas good Captain Indeed and truly sweet Sir The Major and I are old friends T. T. And may you long continue so D. D. I thank you Sir Come my Joy shall 's walk I should be loth to have Mr. Alderman there before us M. D. I my Dear I stay for thee Exit D. D. Bil. But heark you Hussy He whispers her back Where shall you and I exercise Can 't you drop him or give him the slip for an hour or two M. D. Oh No No We are to be at Repetition at Mr. Alderman's 'T is Fryday Night But I shall see you anon Farewell good Major Your servant Sir Exit T. T. Your servant Lady Bil. Captain Prithee let 's meet to morrow in the Afternoon at Mother Formalls the Midwife's and bring your small Harlotry with you we 'll be merry T. T. A match A match Exuent ACT. I. SCE. 2. Enter Jolly Afterwitt Aft. You are so Wise I have observ'd This World Dwells most abroad seldom or nev'r at home Most men can counsel others few themselves Jol. Hah Sentences There 's somewhat troubles you What is 't And can you call me friend and yet Not let me bear my part Friends should be one Breath Hope Fear Will and Nill the same in common Aft. Why What were you the better if you knew You cannot give me ease Jol. However try A handsome Fellow And a fair Estate And wit at will Thou mayst command the Town Leave off this fooling Aft. I 'm beholding to you Can you with all your wisdom tell me now Where this shooe wrings me Jol. No Aft Then pray believe I know and if you are my friend forbear A further scrutiny Jol. My life in Love Not past that Boyes disease That troublesom itch Come We 'll be Jovial and divert the humor Aft. Suppose I were Is not the World the same Love is the Bond of Nature and without it The Universe were but a Besome unbound Sand without Lime Jol. I need no further Symptomes To make the Crisis Hah And you believe This dainty Phylosophical Poultis Will work the Cure If I have any skill There were a better Remedy Aft. For shame Thou Infidel to all that 's good or lovely May'st thou dye in thy Heresie and nev'r know What a good Woman means unless perhaps For thy conversion Jol. This was intended For a small Curse But I must thank my friend And if he were not turn'd Bigott I think Might satisfie him You 're in love forsooth All in good time But have you yet consider'd What ' t is How much more misery beyond it Then on this side of ' t you may fancy Castles And forty I know not what 's But they 're of Snow Come one good showre and farewell my sine Guegaw Aft. Thou' rt a strange Fellow What dost think of those Have gone before us and commend it too Jol. One Woodcock makes no Winter But I pray What are the persons Are they not concern'd These marry'd Men are like Boyes in the water Ask 'um how 't goes Oh! wondrous hot they cry When yet their Teeth chatter for very cold If you must love love on But go no further Women enjoy'd like Rivers in the Sea Lose both their Taste and Name suppose 'um Junoes In the pursuit they 're Clouds in the enjoyment Aft. Thou 'rt like the Fox that having lost his Tayle Would fain perswade the rest to make 't a fashion Prithee give over Jol. Troth I 've scarce begun Suppose her handsome She 's a Honey-pot I' th' Sun If otherwise you 'll ne're endure her If honest Insolent though ne're so ugly She thinks you are beholding to her for 't And yet who knows how long she may be so Is she the Map of Modesty perhaps 'T is but your own Opinion Love is blind There 's many pass for such whose Husbands yet Could if they durst tell you another Tale. Is she a Housewife Can she make a Band Order a Dairy Cure a broken Shin Examine your Accounts and at Years end Pray tell me what you 've sav'd Is she high born Twenty to one She 's proud and quickly scorns you What are you better for those doughty Acts My Lord Her great great Grandfather perform'd The Lord knows where Or t' ave her Portion paid you In Genealogies Gilt Spurs and Cantons Aft. Come I can hold no longer Have you done Jol. With your good patience a word Consider 'T is like a Battel to be fought but once And therefore if it must be so Be sure She be your Equal and if possible Vertuous At least not tainted with her Mothers Vices And now if after this thou dar'st be wiving Th' art a bold Fellow and that 's all I 'll say Heav'n keep thee yet within the power of Heleboure Aft. Prithee be n't so severe Thou art my friend And I 'll deal plainly with thee That Estate Which you believe so fair And were 't not for My father's Debts and some small slips of mine Might have look't somewhat like it is at present At that low Ebb That if I don't look to 't In time 't will be quite past Recovery Come The Red Petticoat must piece up all Jol. 'T ' as a half-face of Reason As you say Desperate Causes must have desperate Cures But what is he has got this hank upon ' t Aft. Did you never hear of Alderman Whitebroth Jol. I there 's a Jew indeed I 'll tell thee what He has a Daughter Thou shalt have her too Though it be but to be reveng'd of him Aft. There spake my friend O but her father Jol. What Aft. Will never give consent Jol. To choose She 'll make The better Wife to justifie her folly Aft. Prithee be serious Jol. Good faith I am And if thou hast her not one way or other I 'll be thy Bondman We 'll about it streight Exuent ACT. I. SCE. 3. Enter Mopus Solus with a Book c. Mo. SAturne and Jupiter come to a Trine in Taurus and Capricorne Huh We shall have strangers come to Town and their Wives nev'r miss 'um in the Countrey Next Month they all meet in the house of Mercury he being Lord thereof and Significator of Speech It may intend Advocates Cryers of Courts Splitters of Causes Oysters Wives and Broom Men Hold Saturne nothing but this malevolent Planet in the sign Virgo in conjunction with Venus in her detriment Beware Women of green Gowns Great men of Stone and Collick and Costermongers of rotten Pippins Agen Pars torturae coupled with the Catabibason That is to say The Dragons Tayle Huh Huh Children shall be subject to Convulsion sits young Wenches to the Falling Evil and old Women to Cough out their Teeth He makes a pause But all this is no Money Many an honest man
has but one House and maintains his Family very well But I am such an unlucky Rogue the whole 12 will hardly pay my Rent Now a Pox take these Citizens and then a Man may get some money by 'um They are so hidebound there 's no living by 'um So Clunchfisted a man would swear the Gout were got out of their feet into their hands 't is death to 'um to pluck 'um out of their pockets I am sure my Bills bid as high as the proudest They Cure all Diseases and Resolve all Astrological Questions and yet they 'll hardly quit cost for pasting 'um up Here dwells an Astrological Physitian Reads one And there let him till I trouble him Answers another His Majesties most excellent Operator sayes one Yes upon a Post quoth another And thus you see how an Artist is valu'd O Ignorance Ignorance Well may'st thou be the Mother of Devotion but I am sure thou art the Stepdame of Art If it were not for the good Women with their Groats and their Vinegar Bottles and now and then a young Wench to enquire of her Sweet-heart I might ev'n hang my self Nay which were worse my wife would cry her Trade were the better o' th' two But Husht I hear some body coming Ten to one but 't is my young Squire with his Mercers Wife to have her Fortune read I could with less trouble and more certainty have told her Husband 's I hear 'um Husht My Wife understood their meaning well edough shemight have put 'um together without troubling me Enter Mrs. Mopus Oh is it you How goes all Causes M. M. But ill enough I 'm sure I wonder what I 'm the better for a Husband in you Here you sit moping and moping all day upon a Book and at Night you 're as sleepy as a gib'd Cat. Mo. Oh ho I'm in thy debt but thou shalt be paid it altogether Is it not better to receive a 100 l. at one payment than to dribble't out by shilling and shilling M. M. But you 'd be loth though if your Wife had an occasion that she should borrow though 't were but sixpence Mo. Thou sayest right But I dare trust thee further Prithee go in and look after the House we shall have some or other come popping in presently M. M. To mighty purpose 'T is well you get so much Methinks Trading is grown extream dead Time was when your honest Citizen's Wives and no ordinary Madams and their Gallants would come and be merry here But now Mo. A little patience good Wife 't 'as been a long Vexation the Gentry are not come to Town yet and yet we have some doings too M. M. Yes A Company of Fribbles enough to discredit any honest House in the World No I 'd have you to know I am for none of your Skip-Jacks No Give me your Persons of Quality there 's somewhat to be got by them Besides a Woman need not be asham'd to sit Jig by Joule with the best of the Parish and who dare say Black is her eye Mo. Prithee be quiet I expected a young Squire and his Mistriss but I believe she could not get out her Husband is so jealous of her M. M. Now out upon her Could she not have took another Woman out with her He has been a good one himself I warrant you that shall offer to suspect two Women together Marry hang these jealous-headed Coxcombs these Ass-Cuckolds that believe their Ears to be Horns And such have you been in your time too That you have Mo. Well Well Go in All shall be mended Prithee in M. M. No indeed I don't intend it I must have some money first Do you think I can go alwayes in one Gown Pray don't mistake yourself Besides I must buy the Child a new Coat and Mr. Scruple expects I should carry him something for his pains amongst us Indeed Husband he is a precious able man Mo. Yes He is able Able to speak more with ease than another man can hear with patience Away you fool M. M. Nay good Husband How do you think a Woman can love you if you will not let her do as the rest of her Neighbours I warrant you for them not one of them mist the meeting to day and I hope you have found that they are not the worst Customers we have Marry come up here She strikes the Book out of his hand 'T is a fine thing that a Woman can have no money but what she mustask her Husband for and then too to have all this Clutter about it Give me some money or I 'll make my complaint to Mr. Scruple Mo. Be quiet and thou shall 't have any thing I must ev'n stop her mouth to be rid of her This and the next aside If once she set up her Clack the Cataracts of Nile are but still Musick to 't Come we 'll in and see what may be done Exeunt ACT. 1 SCE. 4. Enter Runter Tyro Ru. INdeed your father was my old acquaintance and very good friend Ah! How it tickles my Lungs to think how many mad Frolicks we have had at Robbing of Orchards and stealing Pudding-pyes I hope I may take it for granted that you visited the University Pray which of ' um and what Colledge Ty. Gotam Colledge Sir in the University of Rumford Ru. My Fellow Collegiate You and I must be acquainted Pray how goes the old difference between the Scholars and the Townsmen Is the breach so wide that you believe it irreconcilable Ty. Indeed I cannot tell But it is thought 't will hardly be compos'd unless the Rams would forbear marrying Ru. The more 's the pity A Graduate I hope Sir Ty. Yes Sir A small one A Batchelor o' th' Law I went out Batchelor last Horse-fair Ru. And I Doctor in the Throng We must be better acquainted You 're come up to study Ty. Yes Sir My Mother would have it so Ru. Then let me advise you Study both Laws but chiefly the Civil You would not think what an advantage 't is to be a general man Ty. Sir I shall follow your directions Ru. Then when you come to practice you must get you a good brass Towel and a steel Countenance and ever carry in your green Bag so much patience as not to be discourag'd at any thing for I am to tell you a great Truth That our Profession Rotts at the wrong end The young ones dye and the old ones live But how I pray Even like Bawds and Medlars never Ripe till Rotten That is to say seldom or never get money till they are past the use of 't And then perhaps what with a little favour and a great deal of money they may chance to arrive at last to the height of sleeping out a Cause Ty. I thank you Sir and I hope I shall be able to remember it Ru. Then you must ever be obsequious to great men not that you expect any good from 'um but as the Chineses worship the