your Closet Floors 'T is they will make your Bed and Table a Snare Bring you to shame want and care They are shameless disguised Mummers Trepanners of all in and out Comers They sound Trumpets Fifes and Drums Beat up your Quarters and lick up your Crums Away with these Rascals to the Pit of Hell Without them the World would do all so well Send 'um all full and fasting Into Torments everlasting These are your Jugling Lads and Lasses That taste in all your Pots and Glasses These drop Poyson into your Cup Which they and their Imps must drink all up Wise mens Wits are not decay'd But Fools and Asses will be betray'd But if ye have Spirits rough and enough You shall shake them off be they ne're so tough And turn them going with a Kick and a Puff A Crotchet comes newly into my Crown Concerning the Bumkin Country-Clown The Shop 's a cheat the Court 's a Charmer But no Knave 's like to the Country Farmer His Landlord and his Parson he rides Spite of their Wealth and Wit besides His blundering clung Pate plods To undo both or set them at odds No Reason or Religion can perswade To drive him from his sharking Trade He is of such tough devilish Mettal made Mettal to th' back a Bilbao Blade But all won't do he never thrives Tho he bury ne're so many Wives The Plow is an honest Calling But cannot keep the Knave from falling He that deals in Grass and Hay For Debt is ready to run away The Butcher for him is too cunning Cheats him for all his Dunning The Grasiers and Plow-Joggers Are both turn'd Jockies and Petyfoggers They 'l be too crafty if they can For the Priest and the Gentleman But the rugged rough-hewn Swain Is the greater Rogue o' th' twain He 'l sell his Soul to the Devil for Gain He 'l shave his Landlords Woods and Groves Cut down all the Trees in his Hedge-Rows Poach his Game by Water and Land Venison is at his command Without and beyond all Reason Drives the fattest Land out of Season Leaves all barren and bare To starve a Cony or a Hare Ruines his Houses Orchards and Gardens Leaves his Children to the Churchwardens Curses and damns all his Betters Till the Jaylor keeps him in Fetters ‘ Just now another Whimsy comes into my head ‘ Not the first time I 've been found with a Lord in Bed ‘ In those days I was wo'd and courted ‘ By as many Blades as to Penelope resorted ‘ Only I entertain'd all and bid 'um stay ‘ But she like a Fool sent 'um all away Thais and Lais and Hellen I scorn'd And Venus by whom Vulcan was Horn'd Cleopatra had the Fame Of a most delicate charming Dame ‘ But if I had come in Mark Anthony's way ‘ I wou'd have made him more mad I dare say ‘ For I shou'd have giv'd him fairer Play ‘ In those days when I was brisk and gay ‘ My Beauty and Wit would Caesar betray ‘ But I have studied hard since then ‘ And not left to keep company with Men. ‘ And have traverst the World too and agen ‘ And got more Experience than Vlysses's ten ‘ Mark Antony did shamefully dote ‘ Upon a rank Tawny she Goat ‘ Still I gave my mind to study ‘ And held out bravely both comly and ruddy ‘ I have got and bred up many a Hag ‘ And will as long as I can wag ‘ And for this I have great cause to brag ‘ By long Travel through Sea and Land ‘ I gain to practise by Hand ‘ And thereby it hath been my Lot ‘ To send thousands to the Pot. ‘ Revenge is sweeter than Honey ‘ Better than Power Honour or Money ‘ To Learning this hath me invited ‘ By which this Satyr is endited ‘ At which Honest men must be delighted ‘ But Rogues and Rascals may be frighted ‘ For which by them I shall be spighted ‘ My business is Baseness to reveal ‘ Not to teach men to kill or steal ‘ In their Colours I have pourtray'd ‘ Baseness e're since I was a Maid ‘ I 've many Brats as bad as my self ‘ But like me none are giv'n to Pelf ‘ The Hollander I do bewitch ‘ The Jew is troubled with the Itch. ‘ What do the French and Spaniards all ‘ The Italian's always wagging his Tail ‘ The German loves a Pot of Ale ‘ 'T is Wine pure Wine revives sad Souls ‘ The Scholar loves the Cheering Bowls CANTO XI You 'l say there 's neither good nor bad Then Stoick be neither merry nor sad There is no Judgment to be had Of any thing therefore by the same intent There 's no Reward nor Punishment There 's no need of Parliaments All is frolick all is free You may be all as bold as we All is secure all is well There 's no Heaven nor Hell There 's no Lawgiver no Command No body can understand There is neither Wind nor Water Hot or Cold no such matter Nothing need to be lookt after 'T is the most damnable Proposition That e're deserv'd a Prohibition The Law of all things is most crost All Labour all Reward is lost There should be no hanging nor burning by right If Vertue and Vice be extinguish'd quite I have no more Will than a Horse or a Cow I have no more Wit than a Dog or a Sow Nor so much neither for they may be taught In their kind what is good or naught By this there 's neither Poverty nor Riches By the same Reason there 's no Witches There is neither Black nor White There is neither Day nor Night Nothing is in or out of sight No pain nor no delight No love nor no despight No wrong nor right Sense and Reason Good Night Then there can be no Accusing No Choosing nor no refusing You can neither sleep nor wake You can neither give nor take Nor you cannot merry make But you may your Wit forsake When there 's no sorrow nor laughter How can good or bad luck go afore or after Take no care for Son or Daughter You can wrong none nor none can wrong you 'T is a fine World to live in if we knew how A short life and a pleasant There can be no Damage Feasant Burn your Books there 's no need of Reading Cut out your Tongues there 's no cause of Pleading who 'l endure to the Terms to trudge What Fools are we to suffer a Judge You can neither live nor dye Tell me the reason why I can neither affirm nor deny I am neither True man nor Spy There is neither Fool nor Wise Reality nor False disguise Never fear Truth nor Lyes You shall be troubled with no Flies You have no Friends nor Enemies You may go in any Disguise There is neither Toad nor Frog At this rate neither Hog nor Dog Nothing 's finisht nothing's began Nothing 's either Horse or Man The World is utterly undone All things fly to confusion And there
hinder a good Intent Shall the Discoveror for a Warrant stay 'Till the Thief or the Murderer be quite run away When the false Witness ' gainst the true Man cries Which shall the Judge believe his Ears or his Eyes When there is matter of Law to act The shift is to plead matter of Fact The Deed is wrong the Cause is right So Justice bids us all Good Night If then this way of Reasoning hold To do all wrong we may be bold A brave Rule much for their Credit Factum valet fieri non debuit So the grand Sophs by such false Rules Make selves and others Knaves and Fools They talk much of Womens Reasons But when did we justifie Treasons And slubber Crimes so slightly o're Suffer Hypocrisie to keep the Door That we are wicked we can't deny Yet we 're not so much given to lye In this they give us the Go-by Matter of Fact Matter of Right Ever maintain a deadly Fight O the Rogueries and Cheats That Men can work by such damn'd Feats They say Women cannot dispute But our Honesty can Men confute We profess no good therefore defie it They profess all good and deny it Surely we have as good Brains As they and do take as much Pains But they exceed us in the Main Because they get all the Gain Philosophy and History And every profound Mystery We dare agree with them for their Bones For all their Philosophers Stones They hide all Ill by their Gravity We discover all by our Pravity Why cannot we be given to Reading Tho they take up all the Pleading They 're glad to come to us a woing We 're more for knowing they for doing Video meliora proboque We can kill ye so can they and stroke ye We stand aloof from sacred Ares Because our guilt creates our Fears They draw nigh to holy Fires To sacrifice with foul Desires We offer at the Devil's Shrine Because to serve him we combine We 'l not compare with Men for Lungs But dare outvy them all for Tongues We can contrive and boldly charge And send them to look out at large As Underlings they act our parts While we study the Curious Arts. We can do more with a Words speaking Than they with all their pains in seeking We cut out they do the rest They are but our Apes at best We conquer and get the Day They carry all the Credit away Sic vos non vobis fertis aratra Boves Sic vos non vobis vellificatis Oves When all comes to all you Men are dull A great Cry but a little Wool All the Wit is on our side But you Men take all the Pride Mira vox aures me as percrepuit Factum valet Fieri non debuit The Man was hang'd wrongfully for good and all 'T is well done tho it should not have been done at all The Man 's turn'd out of Home and House Lands Goods and Chattels and 's not worth a Lowse He must bear it now 't is done The Constable cannot be out-run In a dark stormy Night what hope My Life and Estate lies at the end of a Rope Save me from the Turk and Pope And Land me at the Cape of good Hope I had rather be knockt o' th' head at the Altar Than basely to dye like a Dog in a Haltar Hearken well what the New Law saith Pay Debts by Debenturs or Publick Faith Panormitan Hottoman Bartolus Wesembeck Godofred joyn to Cajole us Navar Duns Covarâ—dvias School us Masters of Sentences befool us When cold they can heat us when hot they can cool us The Doctors be the Case good or bad Can make Clients merry or sad Maâ—â— them sober or make them mad St. Thomas of Aquine was a pretty Lad. St. Thomas of Becket was a man of great Fame But Aristotle was the Cock of the Game A Company of Witches shall get the Day Rout 'um and make 'um all run away Infatuate 'um besot 'um and blind ' um And make 'um leave all their Wits behind ' um Every Bufflehead and Pickeroon Gets him a Name and lyes a Bed till Noon As Famous as the Man in the Moon The Man of the Dwarfs or Giants Statures The Man of two Names and the Man of two Natures You need not for Lawyers and Schoolmen call For we know as much as the best of 'um all Intelligent Spirits are the Masters that teach us In nothing but Law can you over-reach us 'T is that Letter alone that strikes us dead Tho all the Arguments we knock on the head By murdering Weapons for want of good Reasons You may make what you please Felonies or Treasons So when a Cuckold is Cornuted Send him to the Hangman to be confuted Your Tutors can never be so wise or so good Because they at the best are but Flesh and Blood They understand by clear Intuitions You fetch a Compass by blind Propositions If a Thief in the Way that is called High For a Purse of Gold makes me Promise or Dyâ—â— Must I perform it Tell me the Reason why You say a Nude Pact's of no more force than a Lye And yet I am bound my Gold to bring As if it were the Word of a King Will Reason allow of any such thing You say Fallere fallentem non est Fraus But Honesty forbids such a Cause For I must not Cheat tho I be cheated But I may defeat rather than be defeated I hope my Promised Gold is not Escheated I presume if I have any Skill A forced Will is no Will Especially if you threaten me to kill When Questions are put for matter of Fact Should we not mind the Justice of the Act Should only Custom and Prescription Make good or bad against Jurisdiction How are wise Men out in this Cause When Wrongs are done contrary to Laws And yet because done in this Case The Fact before the Right takes place Farewel then all that 's good and just When wicked Customs prevail must Is it enough because they are acted Then bad need ne're be retracted Then all past Evils may keep their station Then there needs be no Reformation Let Wrongs be still say they for hear ye We must not Quieta movere To remove Dun Thiefs take no care For fear of Infecting the Air. Leave the Sick to dye amain For fear you should put them to pain Or for fear they should come again Take no Physick ' swage no Tumors For fear of stirring the Humors For fear of Surfets leave eating or drinking Use no Close-stool for fear of stinking If this be Honest or good Sense In Arts I never will Commence Farewel for ever studying Laws If we must make so many Flaws And whatsoever Wrong is done It shall be made right at the Long run How can that that ne're was True Be made True Give every thing its due A Spade's a Spade all 's Right or Wrong Else all we say or do is but a Song There are more Leaden Lesbian
Sisters all glad But to open the Box were stark mad Much ado they venture to open 't at last And out flew a rare Fly all so fast The Lady returns to deliver her Charge But no Fly for which she was chid at large How could she be trusted with Souls Secrecy That could not be faithful in keeping a Fly And so this vain Motion did dye Manzers and Slaves had no Prohibition From any Incestuous Coition Because they were of a vile Condition They were never taken upon Suspicion No Matrimony ' mongst them no Possession Not free of any Profession Tho ne're so nobly born or bred To all Rights they must be dead Did this Curse come from Cham Or from the Devil and his Dam Or is it not a mere Sham Most contrary to Nature's stand To be made Brutes to be unman'd 'T is well Man and Wife are sure to hold That were by Rome's Law bought and Sold. 'T is a Rul'd Case in Bardish Rhimes Truth must not be spoke at all times The like for Punishment of all Crimes Such Laws would run well with Chimes 'T will rise high when 't is upon the Fretts There shall be no time for paying of Debts Patriarchs were no Judges but Doctors In those days when no Courts with Attorneys or Proctors Punishments were by War not Law The Sword no Word kept all in Aw 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Aes Alienum quando Remittitur Acceptilatio in Lege dicitur 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 shakes off the Onus Vsuram non facit vir bonus ‘ We Withces no body will own us ‘ If we fall no body will bemean us Stepsiades brought a Thessalian Hag To shut up the Moon in a Box or a Bag. To excuse Debtors from paying their Fine Because no Proof that the Moon does shine This was never no Practise of Mine Usurers reckoned every Night and Noon To the coming of the New Moon A Burning-Glass to scorch a Letter In Court to disprove a Deed the better Culpam in Jovem rejicias Say 't was the Gods not you that were Vicious Try if for that they will be Propitious 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 where 's all your Law If in an Indictment they find such Flaw 'T was 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 And her own Self Madam 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Choak'um with this Bolus at last Try if they can recover in haste If thou beest a Thief or Unchaste The Gods did as much Let them be Cast Nay they decreed me to do so and more I cannot be guilty therefore It must be put upon the Score For I was forc't behind and before Let no Serjeant come near my door Gods hid themselves in Caves and Groves To prosecute Murders and vilest Loves Why then if Mortals commit such Rapes May they not plead as just Escapes Curse us Witches be sure Bite our Noses Et Conspergitis nos Rosis Son prov'd it just to beat his Father if wild Because he beat him when he was a Child Socrates taught him to come off With Bis Pueri Senes a Scoff He made 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 a Clause For an Inferiour and Superiour Cause Lawyer like 't was very sad A bad Cause good or a good Cause bad Apollo his Malice could not smother Urging Orestes to kill his Mother For which the poor Soul complains He was clearly left in the Lurch for his pains But the Conscious Numen made him amends Made him and Menelaus Friends Repair'd his Throne for his own Ends. Never learn Justice from Jove above Nor Chastity from the God of Love Socrates but one Supreme Power own'd For which like a Fool he had like t' have been Ston'd But by favour that he might swallow no more They wo'd him to drink Hellebore This frighted Aristotle and Plato Seneca Cicero and Cato The Country Gods must not be deny'd When once the Senate had them Cry'd The Poets were all Rogues in the Letter They spake Wâ—rs but understood better Apollo was a good Bone-Setter ‘ Now I have my Cu and I must come in ‘ For me and mine to prove there can be no Sin ‘ Tho in Wickedness you be up to the Chin ‘ Never complain go through thick and thin ‘ Over Shoes and over Boots ‘ Pluck up Liberty by the Roots ‘ In Witches such as we be ‘ Cause we are forc't by a Decree ‘ I am of Opinion as such ‘ We can ne're play Rogues or Whores too much ‘ I am afraid of a Rod ‘ If I take in Vain the Name of God ‘ The Chain of Fates is so wonderful strong ‘ Against our Wills drives us all along ‘ We try sometimes but all 's but a dream ‘ There 's no striving against the Stream ‘ There 's a violent Motion above our own ‘ Whereby our free Actions are all overthrown ‘ T is in vain to use a Lanthorn and Candle ‘ When we take up Things with a wrong Handle ‘ We talk of Free-will at a monstrous high Rate ‘ But all 's over-rul'd by Fortune or Fate ‘ Nothing can Post or Antidate ‘ Things must be it seems as they must be ‘ Do your best or your worst all 's Destiny ‘ Puppets above dance nimbly and skip ‘ But the Hand below takes 'um upon the Hip ‘ If the Ass be lazy come up with a Whip ‘ It must come to pass all you do or say ‘ But the clean contrary way ‘ All this is Deceptio Visûs ‘ The Wires below makes all the Devices ‘ Alas Alas we 're all in a Dream ‘ When we think 't is Whey 't is Curds and Cream ‘ We are mistaken in every Theme ‘ There is a Mote in the clearest Sun Beam ‘ The Wind drives the Ship and the Water the Mill ‘ Paint what you can't will be a Rose still ‘ If Blood be spilt tho you do not kill ‘ 'T will be Manslaughter do what you will ‘ For none of us have Wit at will ‘ Pour in the Wines the Pot must fill ‘ Wrong must be done and the Wronger shall gain ‘ Ne're put the Conscience to too much pain ‘ The man is dead but he was not slain ‘ Every way turn to and again ‘ An Honest man must endure the smart and the loss ‘ No body wrong'd him 't was his Cross ‘ Never cry nor roar Poor Baby ‘ Sorte tuâ Contentus Abi. ‘ There 's a Lottery wipe your Eyes ‘ Ten thousand Blanks for one Prize ‘ Venter you may live or dye ‘ 'T is but the turning of a Dye ‘ Whatever haps if you be wise ‘ Forbear Murmurs Tears or Cries ‘ For all you do or suffer there are Spyes ‘ Few tell Truths and most speak Lyes ‘ I can't endure to think of Sacrifice ‘ 'T is an idle needless thing ‘ To tye an Ox to an Altars Ring ‘ The harmless Beast must rost and fry ‘ Because I deserve to dye ‘ And for telling of a Lye ‘ I 'le be judg'd by the Standers
But if you go among the Moors They 'l turn such a Rascal out a Doors In some Case a man may not act in another man's Name Tho with his Consent Is not this a Shame He that shall begin an Action May stop it without a Fraction But why is there no Coaction To prevent endless Distraction To have the Thing and t' have the Right Seem to run parallel at first sight But all 's overcome by Might Sued to an Outlary and never know it Pay the Mony and nothing to shew it The Cheating Rogue you shall never find Have a care always before and behind This can't be revok't for many a Crown As soon turn Westminster Hall upside down For this have a care of the Men of the Gown The Law tells you what Fear is Just But be a Constant man you must But still have a Care whom you trust Because my Goods to a Carrier-deliver'd Are sold by him they can ne're be recover'd If an Officer steals the Kings Artillery He can only stand in the Pillory Or lye in Prison 'till the next Gaol-Delivery Or wear a Paper Livery An Interest as we read From Law not from Fact shall proceed Why not from both if there be need It is no part of my Creed Is there less Right Ask the King In the Action than the Thing Hallow Boys make all the Bells ring At every Turning and Winding A Debt is due at such a Time When the Cause is in its Prime To ask for 't Till that 's past it shall be a Crime To speak out of the Nick of Time Why should Counsel for Common-Strife Be refused for a man's Life Why should a Man Swear for the King That never knew of such a Thing He hath no Sin they say That Sins because he must Obey And because he don't say Nay On whom then shall the Fault lay He that obeys an unjust Command For an Innocent must stand 'T is no Justice worth a Straw To make Necessity a Law When once by Law a thing is Bad Necessity makes it good O mad Non Expressa non nocent Tales Honestatem non docent Tho Honesty be not exprest 'T is the meaning of all the rest And we must take the Sense that 's Best Or else we defile our own Nest Res Iudicata accipitur pro Veritate Makes Pro Judicii Majestate A Wrong Judgment is took for True Not so in Hell give 'um their Due Let Judges look better to their Causes Not to be excus'd by such lamentable Clauses The Condemn'd Innocents will never cease To condemn such Innocent Judges as these Just so the Physician kills by the Book As the Lawyer does by hook and by crook Ignorance and Bribery destroys Mens Lives and Fortunes O brave Boys This makes for us for to these we are Saints We never admit of unjust Complaints Examine how by Lawyers Skill Causes are grounded in a Mill. The best Rule is Non remittitur Peccatum But least observ'd Nisi restituatur Ablatum It runs in Rhime and is great Reason And the performance ne're out of Season But you shall find men of the best Constitution Never guilty of so good a Conclusion Alas it would be counted Intrusion To bring into the World such monstrous Confusion Shall a Cause be cast for lack of a Letter Or a false Name by a Rascally Setter Or the misdating a Minute of Time Be counted an Incorrigible Crime ' Cause solemn Forms must not be chang'd Therefore a True man must be hang'd By a Mistake Truth is Confuted So is many an honest Man basely Cornuted Why do Jurisconsults tell such Stories Durior est Causa Petitoris The wronged Supplicant hath favour Lesser Than the cursed Oppressor And all because he is Possessor As if thereby his Crime were Lesser If these things be done by these Law Rooks The Devil sends Meat and the Devil sends Cooks In Causes of Gain 't is much observ'd The Rule is First come first serv'd Should it be so in Justice too Then run Boys for Game Alas Aloo Righteous Dealing shall never find room When Justice and Charity begins at home A man of Estate and flourishing Condition Shall never be taken upon Suspicion But a poor Honest man is ever neglected And without cause is ever suspected If a good Cause be not put in a right state Shall a Judge therefore put it out of Date For a small failure that may be Recruited Shall an Honest man forthwith be Nonsuited In Formâ Pauperis to Sue Is the same as to come short of your Due If a Process by a Knave be unduly took An Honest man for his Cause may go look Estates we may say without Suspicion Are Absolute or on Condition That is to say Allode or Fee A◠Goths and Vandals did agree Littleton labours Tooth and Nail To make them Fee Simple or Fee Tail Fee Simple is a Contradiction And for the Tail it lacks Friction Simple and Absolute are all one As is a Fee and a Condition Whip'um soundly my Maid Alecto For a Contradiction in eodem Adjecto When there is most need of Reges Inter Armasilent Leges It is the Burden of a Song A Post Fact shall increase no Wrong In all my Spells past and gone I ne're met with the Spirit Formedon The Romans never heard of Battels As now there are 'twixt Lands Goods and Chattels An Heir and an Executor divided For this our Law is much derided What is that horrid Affidavit Of Felonice Murderavit If the Law be the bare Letter How shall Equity fare better I like well the word Habendum I can't endure his Fellow Reddendum To abate a lawful Writ To make causeless Demurrer is not fit To be judg'd by old Reports Are the Benches Dernier Resorts Tho there 's variety in Cases As much or more as there is in Faces To kill a Thief se Defendendo Deserves not a Reprimendo But what if Ego me Suspendo Then of a Fool there is an Endo John an Okes and John a Stile Dwell but within half a Mile Baron and Feme Felons together Shall not both hang in wind and weather The Man is streightned with a Rope But the good Wife shall have her Scope Shee s reckoned nothing at all Accessory nor Principal Because she must be always at hand To obey her Husband's Command He bids her steal let him bid her be Hang'd Tho a Feme doth steal or kill She is suppos'd to have no Will. We can't come off so when we do harm Tho we be under Covert Barn What is the Action upon the Case He seems to have a broad brazen Face He looks to be always the same Yet he ever lackt a Name Reason Reason of Law Reason of State How it swells to a wondrous Rate To be condemned for Fraud or Theft To lose his Right hand of which he was bereft What think you Shall he lose his Left Murder and Manslaughter Which is which Mother or Daughter We shall
not know them asunder hereafter Chance-medly to Murther is no near Kin 'T is a Misery no Sin In Natures Laws they are not skilful That say all other Homicide is not Wilful Is it not a sudden Passion Excuses for Life lost in such a fashion Tho there were no Malice Prepense To aggravate so great Offence Because every mad Fool is crost A wise Man's life must not be lost Malice Passion and Pride shews By giving of such fatal Blows Omnia quae movent ad mortem Must undergo the same sortem The Law requires Life Lands and Goods For the Wilful spilling of Bloods No Life but Goods only for Manslaughter 'T is pity it should be so hereafter Tho it be Se Defendendo It shall have the same Reprehendo But that which is of all the Core Felo de se suffers no more If a Thief rob and break no door Is he no Felon therefore And if he chance in fear to fly for 't Doth he then deserve to dye for 't Fear no harm shall come near ye Idem est non esse non apparere Trust Aristotle 's Ipse dixit Qui benè latuit benè vixit The Eldest Male must sole Inherit Tho the rest have much more Merit What shall they do for better or worse But Beg or Steal or take a Purse This will extort many a Curse This makes them march against their Will Along with us up Holborn Hill With many a Jack and many a Gill Who all at Tiburn hang their fill We never wear Purple-Gowns But we command Scepters and Crowns The Men that most converse in Books Look upon us with wry Looks Because we prove them the greatest Rooks. Whether a Custom may break a Law Whether I stumble at a Straw Elopement from a Husbands Bower Forfeits clearly the Wives Dower The Man loses nothing though by wilful Mistake He from his Wife Elopement make Why should the Man only be free From Matrimonial Treachery Ask the Fair rich Lady Pomona If Lands as well as Chattels be not Bona. Magna Charta de Foresta Statute of Marlebridge are the Best-a The great Petition of Right We get no benefit by 't No Habeas Corpus can shent us Latitat or Non est Inventus Exigents or Certioraries We are in the Land of Fairies Our Distringas's at the Tree Where the Hangman gets his Fee The worst of all that can befall us Is at the Gallows to Enstall us Nil Factum quod non factum Prius Seldom such Justice you deny us How sometimes is a Service choakt Interlocutory Judgment Revok't Many Escheats and Primer Seisins Are contrary to Sense and Reasons Prodigals Madmen Fools by Right Should have their Guardians all alike And their Estates by Publick Cares Prescrib'd for their wiser Heirs If my stollen Goods be dropt or waiv'd For me they never shall be sav'd The Reason why I am defeated Is because they are Escheated I am risen on the wrong side I must not take them if brought by the Tide For help I know not who shall be my Guide And which is worse I must not Chide Buyers of Justice must sell at last The Devils do not all so fast Rhadamanthus a brave Lad Scorns to do a Deed so bad Politick and Personal Capacities Are contrary to all Veracities An Outlary you may stick if you will As you do a Bear or Bull. He that to kill is an Instigator Deserves death as much as the Perpetrator What think you of Writs of Error To Innocent Sufferers a Terror Supersedeas Procedendo's Rules of Court are no Amendo's Never Question Pope Joan-a Moritur Actio cum Personâ Writs of false Date The Via Lata False Charges of Rata pro Ratâ Or if you please Pro Re natâ Corpus cum Causa I ken well Corpus cum Causa I can't tell Mala Grammatica non vitiat Chartam Sed Mala Causa spoliat Partem 'T is true as they say at Falerno Beato il Filiolo qui Padro in Inferno I 've made my self a great Dictator A Magisterial Arbitrator I censure Lawyers and Sophies Vaunting with Triumphant Trophies Not without just Cause I 'le assure you We have no Reason to endure you We tell them their own more clearly Than they that pretend to love'um so dearly Others are Meal-mouth'd dare not speak We fear no Vengeance to wreak Tho we don't do we dare tell Truth More than the best that cry Your Servant forsooth We hold not fit to deal Cum Regibus Nemo debet esse Sapientior Legibus I may venture into Curiam Actus Legis non facit Injuriam There 's no Writ ad Procedendum A Communi observantiâ non est Recedendum How can there be a Legitimation Of a Bastard Generation Can Edicts Seals or Decrees Purge the Dross of a Spurious Disease When Blood in Nature is polluted How can it be by Law diluted The Law grants Priviledges when none due But no Law can make Falshood true Civils not Morals change I am a Dotard Once a Bastard and ever a Bastard We find in Classical Records The Lawyers then were Roman Lords As Noble Patrons they did plead For poor Clients but scorn to be Fee'd No Mercenary Tongues there When Justice was Mistress of the Chair 'T is an intolerable Abuse When hackney Tongues and Pens are in use Then Justice freely had its play Equity Rigor did allay All were punish'd that went astray The Righteous Case got the Day The Common Judge was Praetor and then Able to give Right to all kind of Men. By this in glory peace and health Florisht that famous Commonwealth The Law sleeps but never dyes Teach me a new way to make Lyes 'T is a dangerous Innovation To revive Truth by Reformation By no means let all Ill lye quiet 'T is dangerous to change Diet. Whether Ingratitude make void a Gift When lowzy whether I want a Shift Before a Monk creeps to his Cell He makes his Will then ring the Bell. For the Razor passing his Crown Into Hades sends him down And now he 's dead he can't Revoke The last Words that e're he Spoke How can this be Rectum in Curia Summum Jus Summa Injuria The Heir shall meddle with the Land But of Goods he has no Command For the Reason I am at a stand The Abating of a Writ Is the Abating of Wit Elegits Fieri Scire facias Ad satisfaciendum Capias For Twelve-pence stole out of Box a Thief must dye For less if taken from a Person Why I 'le be an Honest man live or dye I am for the Custom of Gavel-kind By which no Child is left behind The youngest 'fore the Eldest I never saw Prefer'd but by Nottingham Law He that 's best born is call'd a Mulier Is not this a Common Law Peculiar Shall a Judge condemn by a Process right sent The Man that he knows to be Innocent Justice is ever in Laws well meant For this find out an Expedient Forms must not
Smock Sinner or so Commute soundly and you shall be let go Fee Ogg the great Comissary before and behind Then Sin on you know my mind To Females all Males must be kind But Poor Whores no favour find Norfolk Swains that drive the Cows Whistle Littleton at their Plows Essoins Withernams Vouches Recapia's are stuffed in Leathern-Slowches The Salick Law is a rare Tool Excludes Females from all Rule Let no-Woman Fee Inherit Because in Wars they cannot Merit As freely Father goes to the Bow As the Son handles the Plow From the Females or Heirs Male A Fine past cuts off the Entail For a Recovery you may Rail No stopping a Ship under Sail. Pantomimi Histriones Wizards Egregii Nebulones Vox Populi vox Dei 't is confest Is as True as all the rest A Populo ad Regem Modus Conventio vincunt Legem It drives Shopkeepers into Nets When Priviledg'd men must pay no Debts Anaxarchus had the heart of a Porter That could endure to be bray'd in a Mortar Customs of contrary Feature Should they be call'd a Second Nature To say this Point is Law is in dark to grope Unless it agree with the whole Scope From Truth how can Falshood come Or Lyes harbour in Truths Room If all are inevitable Fate All Good or Bad 's quite out of Date Whether it be fair or just Men more than Brutes continual Lust How does Reason rule the Rost When Lasciviousness rides Post They couple only for a Brood Men for every wanton Mood They take their times for Generation Men at all times without Moderation What Witches were at the taking of Troy Fair Helena stole by the Roaring Boy Paris was that unlucky Toy Both fit to be call'd the Witches Joy Two contrary Parties Hallow Boys Hallow Jupiter in Troiam pro Trojâ stabat Apollo 'T is good well sung in Catches or Canto's 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Which with a Pipe of Smoke to blow to Is Dimidium plus Toto 'T is time to bid your Companions be gone The Farthest about 's the nearest way home The Whole is greater than the Part That 's safe But the Contrary Thou lyest Ralph Every Effect hath a Cause There should be Reason in all Laws Clerks if you rightly apprehend 'um Hold Dignities in pure Commendam ' Cause men of Parts cannot be found While they are living above ground No harm for Wrong done shall come near ye Idem est non esse non apparere A Minor acts not without a Tutor An old Incumbent hath a Coadjutor And a Mistress hath a Suitor Status Naturae status Belli Is worse than Cock-broth in Gelly Jus unicuique ad omnia O rare Look out sharp the World 's a great Fare Nothing 's good but wha't 's Commanded Why should any man be hang'd or branded Nothing 's bad but what 's Forbidden Let Thieves and Rogues do as they 're bidden It should seem by all these Flaws Definitions are dangerous in Laws Go and be bound and pay the Debt You 're just taken in a Net I am all in a Sweat Come hang Laws they that have Brains To know or do them will take no pains For to be sure they 'l get no gains And they have many unlucky Strains For they keep us all in Chains 'T is better to be free and then We may be said to live like Men. Reason of State Reason of Law Right or Wrong keeps all in Aw Trust no Man if you would live brave Keep a good Word for a Knave Oblige all the World please every Man By hook or by crook Catch that catch can Study Men more than Books That will make you gentile Rooks. Get a Picklock for the Law To open every Crevise and Flaw Get Pincers and a lusty Screw To wrest from every Man his due Where Rocks are get Axes and Hammers Spades Pickaxes and Rammers Let all your Implements be ready And be sure to hold your hand steady Look big stand all in your Robes Like a Conqueror of both Globes From you every Line or Word Cuts more than a Two-handed-Sword Truth must not be spoke you say at all times The way to huddle up the basest Crimes To be an Informer is thought a Disgrace Then how shall Capital Laws take place Never of any Tale-bearer tell Tho you love me never so well But if I get a Friend in a Corner He will tell me the false Informer He that is an Inventor of Lyes By him many an Innocent dyes Deserves to be made a Sacrifice For shall not the good Law punish him sore And not suffer him to live to kill any more Is it not good for the Common-weal To reward him that shall Felons reveal Is he my Friend that will see me misus'd Or behind my back not tell me by whom I 'am abus'd Consider this Case better and try And do as you would be done by 'T is come to a fine pass you 'l say when Witches with Maces Authoritatively must Resolve Conscience-Cases For this call us no more Brazen Faces Nor load us with foul Disgraces We understand some Common Places Marcus his Scholars loosely taught That tho by all kind of Vice debaucht Yet no more tainted by these ugly Steams Than are by Dunghils the Suns Beams Sesostris was first Institutor of Fees To Souldiers he gave the best Aegyptian Lees. He fed them and taught them all in Warring And by this Tye restrain'd them from Jarring They must keep strict to Military Art From which Mechanicks might never depart And to preserve Families from falling The Son must be of his Father's Calling And so a Captain as well as a Cook His Father's Profession ne're forsook If he dye for his Inheritance he might go look 'T were good if Scholars were so kept to their Book But our Laws would never this Custom Brook To Souldiers and Priests so much good Land Preserv'd them close to the Kings Command Better than the old Praetorian Band. He also freed them from Taxes and Gabels Whose Names were listed in Warlike Tables So much Bread and Flesh he daily did award To all the Yeomen of his Guard They served their Master the rather Because he was their Foster Father Nomus Thebaeus assign'd to Regiments Panopolitus or Chemnitus all in their Tents Turk to this day prosecutes the same Intents For Love and Gratitude strong Arguments So Janizaries and Timariots Are hindred from Rebellious Plots The Roman Agrarian Law Kept Souldier and People all in Aw The Linotrophi not for Name With the Feudatories were much the same 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 divided into Nomi Pannels Betwixt Nilus and Ostia Channels A wise Lady was once in hope To get License from the Pope For Women as well as Men to hear Confessions Resolve Cases and pardon Transgressions His Holiness his Answer did delay And bid her wait till such a day And gave her a Box to bring with her own hand But not to open it by strict Command The good Lady and her
by ‘ I had spoke Truth I 'le try by my Troth ‘ 'T is either good or bad or both ‘ 'T was the Lot that was own'd then in good Sooth. ‘ If it be bad and better haps ‘ It is your good luck Boys throw up your Caps ‘ But have a care of After-claps ‘ Hallow Boys one and all ‘ We shall either Rise or Fall ‘ Never bemoan Man never be sad ‘ We shall have a living a good or a bad ‘ Whatever it be once it will fall ‘ Nothing venture nothing have the Devil take all ‘ Why then should any just Laws be us'd ‘ When Good or bad can't be chose or refus'd ‘ And still no body can be abus'd ‘ I 'le sin out my Sin if it must be so ‘ No Body knows which way 't will go ‘ But 't is a hard Fate to be forc't to do Evil ‘ And for that to be forc't to go to the Devil ‘ In vain then to Cry or Snivel ‘ To blow Meat the Butcher must have a Scyvel ‘ I 'le take no more care then I 'le do what I please ‘ I shall have Trouble or I shall have ease ‘ But still do or suffer there 's no Body minds me ‘ Yet still some Body stands behind me ‘ I move like a Puppet to and fro ‘ And know not whether I move or no. ‘ The Satyr blows hot and cold ‘ 'T is all alike to young and old ‘ When Waters are crost with a contrary Wind ‘ The Ship is tost before and behind ‘ It should then either stop or stay ‘ Or be mov'd to a contrary way ‘ There 's Will or no will Reason or none ‘ Then leave me to my self alone ‘ And I 'le leave 'um now to pick this Bone ‘ If I thought I were not a Witch or a Whore ‘ I should never endure my Self any more They come off with a Certiorari Res noluit male Administrari 'T is no Thanks to the Administrators When they themselves are the Judge Arbitrators 'T is long of their Causes in these Cases That puts things thus all out of their Places 'T is much to Wise mens Disgrace That dare Reason so much deface In vain they hope to be Excus'd When Reason is by Reason abus'd And against all Reason refus'd They that have given the deadly Draught Tho it kill not 't is naught 't is naught These men to true Reason will ne're be brought The Reason is they are better fed than taught ‘ I know better than so the unlucky Bird sings ‘ 'T is true nor do I believe such Gins ‘ That screw my Soul to worser things ‘ In plain terms 't is to deny ‘ Justice and all Deity ‘ And therefore such false Rules I defie ‘ The fault is my own I deserve to dye ‘ I am a Witch I tell you the Reason why ‘ Because I did wilfully Vertue deny ‘ 'T is neither better nor worse ‘ I have justly invok'd my Curse ‘ 'T is in vain to use any more Discourse ‘ Set the Saddle on the right Horse ‘ Alas some Sciolists do but prate ‘ 'T is just as the Stars would ha 't ‘ We are all bewitcht when plain Bitchery ‘ Is called Conjuring or Witchery ‘ The Dog they say excuses the smell ‘ The Lady is perfum'd very Well ‘ But the Toad Cur stinks like Hell ‘ For Right Reason ring out the Bell ‘ There 's many such a Develish Spell Thieves Murderers Witches Burn'um Stone'um De Mortuis nil nisi Bonum Gavelkind Land de Haereditate dividendâ To younger Brothers Familia Erciscenda ‘ Take your Conge make your Leg ‘ To them that have brought you to Beg. ‘ If you be of a good Constitution ‘ Rob all you can and make no Restitution ‘ Take all good Turns and make no Retribution ‘ Do all Harm ther 's no Prohibition ‘ All fare alike there 's no Praeterition ‘ Will you call an Eunuch chaste ‘ Or him Patient that 's ty'd in Fetters fast ‘ Had Bajazet no Tyrant Rage ‘ ' Cause shut up in an Iron Cage ‘ A Lion may be a Lamb at these rates ‘ Because he is shut up in Grates ‘ So is good or bad by force of Fates Where sits the Legislative Power Ruling in his Majestick Tower In the Noble or Vulgar Race In the Prince or Populace Kings do Jus facere Jus dare Judges Jus dicere I 'le Swear ye Did the high Power of Life and Death From the lowest Root take breath What Supremacy is in the Feet When or where could all the World meet Tribunes Ephori represent Who knows the Multitudes Intent 'T is a few Pragmatical Squires That Rule Publick Desires Kindle not quench Everlasting Fire These Lead the Vulgars by the Nose And do all Business under the Rose Who then shall Rebellions compose Factions or Seditions disclose A Coblar cries Mio non Consento Il Popôlo non Contento The Mobile swells all in Waves And are driven by Fools and Knaves ' Til they make themselves Slaves And go all Beggars to their Graves But when good Princes have their Will By Gods Laws 't is Freedom still So the Rabble is befool'd To Rule and be over-rul'd But when Supremacy is lodg'd In One or Few the Rout is dodg'd They 'l cheat themselves and be cheated ' Til all there Madness be defeated From themseves they can't Appeal Where is then their Common-weal Who does Liberty from them steal When they Rage Murmur and Grudge Who shall Moderate or Judge When they Head all in a Riot What Power shall the Tumult quiet If all croud to steer at the Helm The Vessel needs must overwhelm Who is able to Rule alone When all shall rush upon the Throne When all on Power make Intrusion It must needs produce Confusion All are Slaves when all Command Who can Obedience understand Status Belli Status Naturae Each to his Fellow is a Fury None can be tryed by a Jury Il Popôlo is a Wide Ring Dance in a Circle's an endless thing Vnicuique Jus ad omnia Quare Get what you can I 'le ne're spare ye And if I prove the Better Man I 'le get all agen from you if I can If you invade your Neighbours Lands He 'l fight you upon Calice Sands And then where are your Demands Your Right on a ticklish Bottom stands Anacreon refus'd five Talents of Gold By Polycrates given him and told That for Cares he would not be sold 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Deserv'd the Title 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Another greater Fool than He Threw all his Wealth into the Sea But few such Fops this day we see Yet Fools flock to good Company They say De Mortuis nil nisi Bonum Thieves and Murderers never stone ' um Do all mischief live or dead Expect not to be punished Nor so much as mentioned Why then should Vertue be rewarded If Vice must not be regarded These are simple silly Themes The Off-spring of
a Man of Courage will defie him Let 'um keep company with their own Scholars Like to like quoth the Devil to the Colliers ‘ I 'm got into a strange Vein ‘ You see I have a working Brain ‘ And how shall I get out of this strain ‘ I have laboured a long Time ‘ To leave this way of Vulgar Rhime ‘ I am so crowed among the Rout ‘ I must sweat before I can get out ‘ And then I shall have another Bout ‘ But still I 'm resolv'd to be stout Courtesy Kindness Civility Ingredients to make up Gentility But to Cozen Lye and Flatter ‘ Makes all the Teeth of my Head chatter ‘ What if I 've none that 's no matter Ladies virtuous and fair Of Counterfeits have a care They are of a Dissembling Hue Yet you may distinguish the False from the True Great Ones flatter one another Every Interested Brother By mean Men they must be courted They love to hear all Lyes reported Prefer that to be the best Which makes for Private Interest Have a care to fill up your Chest That is to feather your Nest There is a Grand Devil that flyes Round about all the World in a Disguise 'T is Beelzebub the God of Flies Purposely to dazle Mens Eyes Puts a Mask of Virtue upon Vice And circumvents you in a Trice A perfect Crocadile A Cockatrice to beguile A glass-Eye and a Silver-Tongue Fair and foul old and young Above all take heed of a False Tongue I dare not own my Friend if I know He has a Great Man for his Foe I dare not say I or No I dare neither stop nor go ‘ Rogues I 'le make you all whist ‘ And stand still tho you 're all to be pist ‘ I 'le do with you what I list ‘ Rogues I have ye all at Command ‘ If I do but wink or wag my hand ‘ I 'le make you tremble if I Nod ‘ Down on your knees if I shake my Rod. He that complies against his will in Evil Goes down Hill more and more to the Devil After he has lost the right way He finds he can neither stop nor stay No matter for a Conscience Biter Per scelera ad scelus tutum est Iter. He that like a Fool shall say he 's frail Deserves to be tied to the Devil's Tail If his Boat to â—ail be slow The Devils may give him a Tow. 'T is a favour he does use to bestow And then you know whither ye must go But what if the Devil pronounces a Curse Stand says the Thief deliver your Purse Send him to Proserpine to Nurse He that 's clothed in Scarlet and Silk Shall suck a Witches or the Devils best Milk He and We like Doves shall be Billing That does bad when to do good he is willing For this I 'le help him to many a Shilling And Pounds too if it comes once to killing There will be old hugging At last it may come to tugging ‘ I 'le give him many a golden Wedge ‘ To set his greedy Tooth on edge ‘ And after all I 'le be his Pledge ‘ And leave him to starve under an Hedge Out of a Dunghill gain smells well Scum the Devil and rake Hell When your Conscience you sell Sup it up 't is very good Broth Infuse a Lye or a damnable Oath Such as to taste Old Nick wou'd be loth As Good eat the Divel as his Broth 'T is scalding hot by my Troth 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 in their dogged dumps Often put us to our Trumps But we return them as many Frumps And sett close upon all their Rumps Logarithus Algebra Cossa Frighted Frederick Barbarossa Systole and Diastole put a good face on Strike like a double Diapason Find me a Green for my Goose to graze on If a Knave of some small good by chance be an Actor He 's cry'd up by Fools for a great Benefactor He 's forc'd to choose best and leave the worse For which he 's branded with no less curse Trust him not twice for once well doing A Suiter's forc'd to go oft a Woing And perhaps to his own undoing After many repulses are past 'T is hazard if he speed not at last Who dares build upon the Lord's Waste He 's ever charitably kind To the man that 's going down the wind The meaning is when all is set down To turn him out of house and home He feeds the Spendthrift Gallant with Coyn The reason is his Estate to undermine He patches him up in City and Town On purpose at once to throw him down Master Scrivener this is your drift To get all he has and leave him to shift By this way you give Debtors a Lift. He 's never counted a right honest man That do's not at all times do all the good he can The Divel somtimes is good when he 's pleas'd He that has an Intermission is still diseas'd From him that ruffles in storms of Anger In a Calm expect the greatest Danger For still there sleeps a Dog in the Manger The man that is rarely in a distemper Is call'd the man of an even temper Have a care o' th the man that is passionate semper Night and day you must watch and ward Continually stand upon your Guard Plead ne're so much reason you can't be heard The man of good Principles never fear him You may oblige him and endear him To himself and his Friend he 's always true That gives to every one his due The man that eats another mans Bread Devours the Living and the Dead That Friend will ne're keep you from sorrow That lends Money to day demands it to morrow He that re-enters upon a day Or takes a Forfeiture is a Knave I say Your Pawn is lost for it is a crime You did not exactly keep your time To sell you the worst of my Wares I am willing But trust I must gain a Groat in the Shilling I le break on purpose to compound With my Creditors for Five Shillings in the Pound A Soph a Poet or a Rhetor Slubbers a Cause so don't a Praetor To colour over a rotten Post Over a Pot and a Tost Folly Prejudice Hatred Power Disjoynts true Reason every hour After Extortions to scape Hell Build a School creep to a Cell When Sin has left ye Fast and Pray Let Creditors for ever stay In a Goal Drink Roar and Whore Let Tenants be for ever poor Give no Satisfaction make no Restitution To your Honours Diminution Undo Families never cry Peccavi till you die Then let them their hearts out curse But never open your Purse No matter for Conscience or Good Name Be sure to play your own Game Pay nothing tho you be ne're so able When the Steed's stoln shut the Stable Let your undone Creditors come to your Table When you have got your Ends Drunk 'em Punk 'em make 'em Friends You are feasting they are pining You are rejoycing they are whining Deal a dole of Bread to