W. XVI Experiences of I. I. VVHen I was in the midst of my wealth and worldly enjoyments I was vain covetous and wholy had my heart taken up with the things of the World little or nothing minding the things of God or thinking of a change but went on in presumption putting the evil day far off minidng only for the present what pleased the flesh untill about eight years since I had many outward crosses befell me and was in some want and then being under that dispensation I was much troubled and full of grief I sought to the Lord and begged deliverance from my afflictions and distresses as to outward wants but had not an heart to consider what was the cause or to seek out the mind of God in it until I heard Dr. Holmes shewing sin to be the cause of all our crosses The consideration hereof did come close unto my spirit and I had a clear conviction of my vanity and foolish doting on worldly things which had justly provoked the Lord I hope for my good to lay those crosses upon me which though they were for a time bitter yet God hath since sweetned But my sorrow was then doubled and I was dejected not only for my outward crosses but more especially for my carnal heart and vain conversation whereby I had stirred up the anger of the Lord against me I went to the Ordinances hoping to find comfort from the Word but the weight of my sins and my sufferings so pressed me down that I found much heaviness My sins especially lay heavy upon me and I saw little hope of comfort yet the Lord was pleased to work in my heart a loathing of sin as well as trouble for the affliction it had brought upon me But about a year since I heard Master W. prove by Scripture in a Sermon very effectual to my comfort that those who have been the greatest of sinners if they do heartily and really repent and turn to God by faith in Christ and lead a new life the Lord will receive them to mercy Hereupon I argued with my Soul that though I had been a great sinner yet the Lord had brought my heart to a loathing of those sins I loved and of all sins and to turn to the Lord and sincerely to desire to serve him That therefore there was hope of mercy for me I heard Mr. W. Mr. M. and others and frequented divers meetings where I found much comfort Those several places of Scripture in which I chiefly found comfort from the Promises of God are Matth. 11.28,29,30 where Christ saith Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest Take my yoke upon you and learn of me for I am meek and lowly in heart and ye shall find rest unto your Souls for my yoak is easie and my burden light This made me to hope that as the Lord hath given me an heavy heart laden with the sense of sin so Christ Jesus will give me comfort for in the 12 verse of the same Chapter it is said a bruised reed shall he not break and and smoaking flax shall he not quench And though I had dishonoured Christ yet I had not blasphemed the Holy-ghost and therefore had incouragement to believe from the words of Christ Luke 12.10 Whosoever shall speak a word against the Son of Man it shall be forgiven him but unto him that Blasphemeth against the Holy Ghost it shall not be forgiven I was comforted to wait upon the Lord in hope because he had humbled my Soul and opened mine eyes to see mercy offered to me and this was strengthend from that example Lament 30.20 to verse 26. My Soul hath them still in remembrance and is humbled in me This I recall to mind therefore have I hope It is the Lords mercy that we are not consumed because his compassions fail not They are new every morning Great is thy faithfulness the Lord is my portion saith my Soul therefore will I hope in him The Lord is good unto them that wait for him to the Soul that seeketh him I was much incouraged from hence to seek the Lord and hope in his mercy My conscience told me I was a great sinner and deserved death and Hell but my hope was in God and strengthened from that promise Ezek. 18.21,22,23 If the wicked will turn from his sins that he hath committed and keep all my Statutes and do that which is lawfull and right he shall surely live he shall not dye All his transgressions that he hath committed they shall not be mentioned unto him In the righteousness that he hath done he shall live Have I any pleasure at all that the wicked shall dye saith the Lord God and not that he should turn from his ways and live And the Lord was pleased to put into my spirit a very great resolution to serve him for the time to come and I praise my God I have had since much joy in duties of Piety and much sweetness from the Word of God and goldly Ministers I have no desire to enjoy the pleasures and vanities of the World as I have done but my heart now takes delight in God and communion with his people and the Lord hath given me an heart in discern a beauty and desirableness in the ways of God which are more joyful to me now than ever sin was formerly and when I come at the Ordinances I often find and feel such heavenly refreshments from the Lord upon my heart that it makes me exceeding full of joy There is such a love upon my heart to God that I dare not willingly offend him in any thing I rejoyce to hear his name spoken of and his glory exalted And I find a very great affection drawn by the power of God from my heart to such as seem to be his people J. J. XVII Experiences of E. C. ABout nine years agoe at the Birth of a Child I had very great temptations of destroying ing my self and have had oftentimes a knife put into my hand to do it so that I durst not be left by my self alone and when I had considered what the causes might be my Conscience did hint most my neglecting of duties which I had many opportunities to have performed they being the Ordinances of God Thus I continued till two years agoe I buryed a Child which was a very great trouble to me to part with and then was I more fully convinced of sin which caused my burthen to be the greater so that I could seldom have any other thoughts but of desperation but the Lord kept me by his great mercy so that sometimes I could pray with devotion and discern the Lord to remove this great trouble from me I did plainly find that those great temptations were very much lessened which was a very great comfort unto my spirit but yet this still was upon me that I could read the Promises but I found none of them to belong to me
of the love of God in Christ Jesus whereby I did find much comfort to my Soul and since hearing some able Ministers of the Gospel hold forth most precious truths I found much comfort And more particularly Mr. Bridges of Yarmouth opening that comfortable Scripture Pfal 41.11 Why art thou cast down O my Soul why art thou disquieted within me trust in God c. His Doctrine was That a godly man had no just cause to be discouraged whatsoever his condition was either the sence of sin or the temptations of Satan or trouble or afflictions that a man had cause to be humbled for the least sin but not to be discouraged at the greatest from trusting in God but to rely upon the Lord by Faith in Christ whatsoever his disincouragements were which hath since caused me to walk in a thankful posture towards God for his unspeakable mercy and It is my great grief that I can be no more thankful seeing I have received so much mercy from God whom I do daily offend which hath made me with Paul to cry out O wretched man that I am who shall deliver me from this body of death But that the next words produce comfort blessed be God through Jesus Christ Yet after this it pleased God to suffer me to fall into a sinful condition by being too confident in my own strength which fall cost me abundance of tears sighs and sobbings of heart even as David said to the breaking and drying of my bones It made me walk sadly for many months together even to despair of any help And seeing I had brought so much dishenour to God and scandal to the Gospel and reproach to the Professors thereof this did much press my soul Considering what a Professor I was before in standing for the glory of God and opposing all gainsayers and for me to fall Oh! this did make such gashes in my soul that the consideration thereof caused rue to walk sadly and sorrowfully and with so much shame that I could not indure to go in the streets But that urgent necessity forc'd me to go out for comfort Then it pleased God by special providence to east me under Dr. Homes his Ministry and he treated on that subject concerning backsliding out of Jer. 14 v. 7. O Lord though our iniquities testify against us yet do thou it for thy name sake for our back slidings are many c. which Sermon was by the working of the Spirit of God effectual unto me for I was almost under despair before but the Lord was pleased to give me much comfort from this Doctrine That Saints may be guilty of many backslidings yet they should not despair for that was a greater sin The Doctor made this Use That if Saints might break their peace wicked and unregenerate men might break their necks A second use was that a Saint should beware of backsliding and make all speed to go to Jesus Christ for more strength to keep and uphold him for the future This did give me some comfort and caused me to set upon the work of seeking to Jesus Christ more earnestly because Christ told Paul that his grace was sufficient for him I had rested in that little mustard-seed-faith I had before but now it did begin to spring and blossom to the praise and glory of Jesus Christ that he should as it were snatch me as a Brand out of those burnings of Hell and establish my poor soul by his free grace to see all my iniquities laid to the charge of Christ as Isa 53. v. 5. All we like sheep have gone astray we have turned every one to his own way and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquities of us all Which Scripture being opened by a worthymember of that Church Mr. F. it did much strengthen my Faith in the Application when I came to consider First That it was iniquity that the Lord Jehovah laid on Christ Secondly That it was my iniquity that was thus laid on him Thirdly that it was the Lord himself that did lay it on him And Fourthly That the Lord had done it already it was not now to do All these points did much comfort me seeing they were back'd by Scripture and such a caution given by the Apostle Paul Heb. 3.12 saying Take heed lest there be found in you an evil heart of unbelief c. Which is a great sin and plague to any poor Soul this wrought much with me but then applying several other Scriptures to the everlasting praise of Jehovah and to Jesus Christ my Saviour this scripture was produced in Psal 68.16 compared with the Apostles words speaking of Christ Thoâ— hast ascended up on high and led captivity captive and received gifts for men even rebellious ones that the Lord God may dwell amongst them And that of Ezek. 16.7,8,9,10 A precious Scripture for troubled souls to be meditated on for comfort That a man being in his filth and guilt and all over with blood nay when no eye would pity him that then was a time of love to his soul Oh! mercy and free grace indeed Theâ— again considering The new Covenant to open blind eyes and to bring prisners out of prison to the glorious light and liberty of the sons of God and his proclamation Isa 55. Hâ—every one that thirsteth come and in that of Joh. 6. v. 37. him that cometh to Christ he hath promised in no wise to cast out Though thy sins he as Crimson and Searlet yea of such a deep dye as that with Paul I may say to be chief of sinners yet it pleased God to give me in refreshment from he same Scripture About two years since Providence cast my Lot at Westminster where I heard Mr. W. and having observed many honest people at hearing of the Word I then sought to the Lord by earnest prayer so to direct me by his blessed Spirit that my only aims might be for his glory the good of others and with comfort to my own soul It pleased the Lord to direct my heart notwithstanding all opposition of Satan and the persuasion of some others to resolve and to break through all opposition and difficulties and to joyn in the worship of the Lord God of our Fathers and so walk in his ways according to the strictest rule of the Gospel of Jesus Christ held forth in his Word M. H. XXXIV EXPERIENCES of L. P. ABout twenty years since I being then with Child was much troubled at some thoughts which God put into my mind touching my conversation which lay so fore and heavy upon me that I could not tell what to do Because I saw though I endeavoured as much as I could to do my duty to my God yet I was not able to live as I should and then I began to know what the worm of conscience meant I feeling what until then I was ignorant of and the blackness of my spirit was such with the burden of my troubled and afflicted soul that I could
judgment I rejoyce to hear this saying He that shall come will come and will not tarry 8. I desire sanctity of Life and help from my Father to discharge my duty in that Calling wherein God hath placed me 9. I long to hear him speak who saith in the Omega of the Revelation Behold I come quickly and my reward is with me even so come Lord Jesus come quickly Amen Amen M. K. XI Experiences of E. R. I was born and bred up of godly Parents yet Satan so far tempted me to commit that detestable sin of telling a Lye about eleven years of age against a Sister of mine who was shrewdly and severely corrected by my Parents for that fault tho' none of hers but mine and I had not grace at that time to lay it to heart but three months after I had a fit of Sickness and a grievous touch in my Conscience for that sin committed against God and my Sister that I saw nothing but desperation and feared that the horrors of Hell-fire would seize on my Soul and Body for this sin and Satan told me that there was no Salvation for me for God knew me not neither would he own me but if I would either hang my self or cut my throat or take the bedstaff to thrust down my throat then I should never he tormented more but look how an Ox dyed so should I. Then I cryed out to my Parents and said that I was damned and that there was no Salvation for me but that I must go to Hell my Parents watched me and searched narrowly to see what instruments I had prepared Then the Devil tempted me to rend the pillow and pick out some of the feathers to swallow them down which I did and it had like to have cost me my life for I was very nigh death by this means My Parents sent for a Doctor to administer some things to me which he did and when I was a little recovered they sent for Mr. Knewstubs Minister in Edmonds-bury and Mr. Rogers Minister of Dedham who took a great deal of pains with me and asked me whom I did believe in I told them that I did believe in God that he would damn me they asked me if God would damn me because I did believe in him I answered no but it was for that sin committed against God and my innocent sister they asked me whether I was not sorry for that act I told them yes I had cause enough to be sorry for I must be damned for that sin then they asked me if I was sorry with all my heart for my offences I told them I had great reason to be sorry for by this I had lost the love of God and my interest in Jesus Christ they replyed that Christ had left sweet comforts for penitent sinners and they were to administer it unto them But I replyed it was for such a sinner as I was for there could be no Salvation for me They told me Christ dyed for sinners and such sinners as I was for they said I was a penitent sinner but I replyed Christ never dyed for such a one as I was neither could his mercy save me Then they bid me have a care how I did presumptuously go about to judge my own soul and that I was not fit to judge my self in the condition I was under for it was a greater sin in so doing than to comit that sin of lying against God for God was a God of mercy but I had no mercy thus rashly to judge my own soul I replyed that they were as bad as I for they came to help to carry my soul into Hell headlong they told me no but they would ingage their souls for my soul that I should sind comfort from them in Christ Jesus with that I cryed out O happy day would that be that I might find comfort before my departure they told me that Christ was a Christ of tenderness that I was a beloved Christian and Christ was preparing comfort for me and it was Christ that had opened my eyes to see my sin and he would also open my heart to loath sin and he would pardon my sin yet I told them no that he would never open my heart but with terror for I was born to be damned and must be damned and that Christ never dyed for such a sinner as I was this I spoke with great sighing and they asked me what made me think so I told them that I saw nothing but Death and Hell and confusion of body and soul they asked me why I sighed and wept so sore I told them because now I was going into Hell for the Devil with his chains was ready to throw me into the utter pit of darkness they said Wherefore I told them for offending the Lord my Creator did wish my self to be in Hell that I might be out of misery and might no longer feel the vengeance of God with that they went to prayers each of them an hour and when the last Minister prayed I cryed out O Lord my God my King and Saviour have mercy upon me a poor distressed sinner Then Master Rogers came to me and took me by the hand and said That he was glad to hear me call upon the Lord yet I said I should be damned for I was none of his and that the Lord was none of my God The next morning I had some comfort but that left me again and I was under the same condition of ebbings and flowrings for sixteen weeks together before I had any firm hopes of my Salration and having taken no rest a long time I fell into a slumber and in my sleep I imagined there did appear unto me a little child in white with an apple in one hand and a white wand in the other and he carried me til I came into a place where I did see much terrour of fire and shreeking and a great deep ditch where was nothing to hold by yet I must go over that burning lake and he took the white wand and laid it over the ditch and bad me tread upon it and fear not but I refused then he came and took me by the hand and trundled his apple on the wand which bowled over very level and with that I said It is the Lord therefore I will venture and did venture over with this child in my hand and when I came to shore I cryed out with fear my Lord my God and my Saviour am I in Hell or am I redeemed out of Hell with that I awaked being in a great passion and fear and there being my friends about me they told me I was redeemed out of Hell I asked How could they tell had they been there for I told them that I had been newly there then I cryed out Oh! where is that sweet Babe that was with me they asked me what Babe and what was the shape of it I declared unto them as before and they told me That
scould not say God was mine or had discovered him self to me in pardoning my sins yet this I had often thoughts of that I would throw my self upon Christ and if I perished I perished and since I bless God I have found some satisfaction in several places of Scripture As First In Matth. 11.28 Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest And feeling such a burthen then upon my Soul I relyed upon that true rest Another is in 1 John 2.2 And he is the reconciliation for our sins and not for ours only but for the sins of the whole World I being one in the World I applyed this to my self and in 1 John 114. The Father sent the Son to be the Saviour of the World Another place of Scripture is John 3.17 For God sent not his Son into the World to condemn the World but that the World through him might be saved And in verse 35. He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life Upon this account I said I believe Lord help my unbelief And in the sixth Chapter of John and 67 and 68 verses Jesus said unto his Disciples Will ye go from me also Peter said unto him Lord whither shall we go for thou hast the words of eternal life So that I will now wait upon the Lord for a further manifestation of himself unto my Soul in the use of his Ordinances although I have not in times past been fed with the Childrens bread yet now I do believe I shall not be denyed those crums of Spiritual comforts to nourish and refresh my wearyed Spirit for God saith Isa 55.1 Ho! every one that thirsteth come ye to the waters and he that hath no money come ye buy and eat yea come buy Wine and Milk without money and without price And I praise God I have found of late a very great manifestation of Gods working a change upon my heart and drawing me by true faith to himself 1. About a quarter of a year since I heard Mr. B. on the luke-warmness of the Church of Laodicea shewing that the Lord would refuse none that come to him in humbleness of Spirit and sincerity of heart then I thought surely I might make use of these full promises made to those that come to him and it put me to search the Scriptures which I did and found a greater influence upon my spirit in the understanding of the Word than before 2. I am in all things that I do fearfull of offending God and my desire is to do all things to his glory 3. My love to God is so hearty that I delight to be meditating of God and to have communion with him and could wish that I might be wholly if it were possible with God and my heart is never so at rest as when I am reading of his Truths and hearing others speak of them 4. I am so little affected to the World that I account it nothing I can willingly leave all for God and I hope suffer any thing for God if he should please to call me to it so far as I can judge of my own heart but herein trusting in the power of Christ 5. Sin is loathsom to me so that the affections that I did bear to some evils are gone and I now loath them more than before I loved them 6. I have many consticts between the flesh and the spirit but I find in those strivings my heart most cleaving to follow the mind of God knowing that if I give way to sin Satan enters and with all my Soul I desire and delight to follow the leadings of Gods Spirit 7. In all things the resolutions of my heart are for doing those things that may please God and that without delay being fearful to offend God which through infirmity I do I have great trouble in spirit for it and my resolutions are always against every thing that may hinder my peace with God 8. I find in my heart so great a peace between God and my Conscience that should God now call me I shall be very well contented to go to my Saviour 9. I do not doubt of Gods love to me because he hath drawn forth my heart sincerely to love him 10. My love hath been always from a Child to the people of God and my heart hath been ever troubled when I have heard them evil spoken of 11. My affections are great to the Ordinances and my heart longeth after them and when at any time I come with a cold heart to Duties yet my heart is frequently warmed and inlarged in those duties E. C. XVIII Experiences of D. M. SOme years since through many crosses increasing upon me like an armed man I slew unto God to seek his mind by prayer and he discovered to me that it was for my sins which were then set before me which caused in to feel the hand of God by afflictions upon me that sin was the cause of my sufferings which lay very heavy upon me and terrified me so that I thought I had been in the way to damnation And that if it had been in the way to Salvation every affliction would not come so upon me greater than I thought I could be able to bear In particular the Lord discovered to me that I had too much loved my Husband in making an Idol of him and therefore he justly became a great terror to my spirit for he grew an enemy to goodness and so an hindrance to me in coming to Christ And while I thus doted on him he went away from me I feared through the sense of that and other sins together with the aggravations of my afflictions that God did not love me Yet it struck into my heart that God did not strike willingly and therefore I endeavoured to see what was the mind of God in it who had taken away my Husband Goods and all from me namely that he had done it that I should not hang upon husks but should love him And I found that I had loved the world too much and set my heart too much upon these Creature-comforts and therefore the Lord took them away from me This wrought upon me great troubles and despair so that I cryed till I was almost blind And I had great feâ—… and trembling upon me that I could not pray not hear with profit but thought it was in vain for me to pray whom God loved not and whom I had so offended About a quarter of a year after I had a temptation by Satan to drown my self in a Pond near Leeds in York-shire weither the Devil led me telling me that I might do it there it being a private place where no body could see me and I came to the Pond side but by the providence of God having a great love to a young Infant I had I took that Child in my Arms and when I came to the place I looked upon the Child and considered with my self what shall
my self to be something when being seriously weighed I became nothing for I knew God but as a natural man doth even by way of discourse I being as I conceive since much in the posture of the proud Pharisee I could say I thank God I was not such a person as was given to lewdness or vice as others were And being thus in my natural condition I thought I had need of nothing when I was as the Church of the Laodiceans wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked and that which was worst I knew not that I was thus in ignorance walking in darkness till the Lord brought me forth into the light First By convincing me of sin Secondly Convincing me of righteousness The first was according to my remembrance about seven or eight years since I being in discourse with a friend concerning something which did much displease me wherein my answering was very cross and my words very full of anger I began to espy my self full of malice and envy which did much reflect upon my own heart and caused a wonderful grief unto me and having never taken notice of any such thing before it was so much the more strange to me but calling my self to a strict examination what foundation I had laid when the Building began to prove so rotten it pleased the Lord that thereby I grew more and more sensible of my own miserable condition as being in the state of nature a child of wrath finding my self a lump of sin and uncleanness and at a far distance from the ways of God and to be in probability of nothing so much as of damnation and ready to be cast into Hell for my sins finding my self out of Christ and not any hope that I should ever gain an interest in him for I saw that without Faith it was impossible to please him and that without Faith I could not think of any way to please him being lost in false ways of my own invention And considering also that Paul counsels the Corinthians to examine them selves whether they were in the faith and saith he Know ye not your own selves whether Jesus Christ is in you except ye be Reprobates and following this course I could not otherwise judge but that I was a Reprobate and this condition was very burthensom unto my spirit and neither in hearing or reading could I for the time find any ease of this my trouble but still I did apprehend the Lord as an angry Judge requiring satisfaction of me for my sins Thus I languished not knowing which way to steer my thoughts but oftentimes crying out to the throne of grace what shall I do to be saved Sometimes I should perswade my self it was altogether impossible for me to think of being saved or ever to gain so much faith as to believe that Christ dyed for my sins for I thought it would be a very great presumption in me to attempt any such thing having often had thoughts of destroying my self It is my desire that I may never forget the providence of God in keeping me from all dangers in this my extream doubtful condition wherein I made not any one acquainted with my trouble but the Lord whose work it was to deliver me In this my spiritual Londage when I have heard godly men incouraging poor Souls to believe in Christ I have thought that others might but I durst not presume because I was no better qualified for if I could find my self more holy or more godly or fuller of goodness then there would be some hope that I might believe and hope for the favour of God and that Christ dyed for me But afterwards God put into my heart to consider that seeing By the deeds of the Law no flesh can be justified for I thought before I must have done something that should have proved meritorious and beginning to be acquainted with an emptiness in my self and an inability of my own to do any good and find that it must be given me from the Lord Christ being all in all to the Saints Upon this consideration I cast my self upon God saying Lord I am thy workmanship do with me what seemeth good unto thee If thou dost damn me I have deserved the severest of thy judgments thou art just although I am for ever justly miserable And one day reading of Mr. Perkins his Book treating of the smallest degree of saving-faith which did express that a desire to believe was faith it self I was something comforted to hear of this knowing that none could more desire it than I did and upon this a while I rested satisfied But not long after I found it a reed whereon I had leaned and grew again very restless and was beat off from this stay by having the opportunity of another Book which made me to understand that the poor man knew full well that a desire to be rich and to be rich indeed were two several things And so a desire to believe and faith it self was not the same For as all that desire to be rich are not rich so all that desire to believe do not believe Being thus drove from my other principle I began to see a more emptiness in the creature and a greater fulness in the Creatour And this last book by the blessing of God through his grace did inform my judgment in many things which were very comfortable to me As that the love of God was the cause Christ was given for sinners and that he became a full satisfaction to God for sins and if we staid from Christ till we were full of good works it might be a symptom we should never believe For it shewed that we must be ingrafted into Christ by faith before we could bring forth good fruits for without me ye can do nothing saith Christ And whatsoever is not of faith is sin These and many such like expressions in the Scripture which God put into my mind were very comfortable to the refreshing of my dull and weary spirit many times but yet fears in intervals possessed me as not finding Christ to be made mine by Faith For I could not say in particular that God was my God nor see that there was a reconcilement made between God and my Soul Sometimes I would perswade my heart to venture to believe in Christ for the pardon of my sins But presently objections would thwart my resolutions by concluding that I was too great a sinner And it was not absolutely said that Christ dyed for me In this condition I was for about four years before I did thoroughly apprehend the love of God in Christ Jesus unto me Yet the Lord was pleased at last to work effectually upon me by many sweet promises out of his Word which did wonderfully rejoyce my Soul As John 13.15,16 Whosoever believeth in the Son shall not perish but have everlasting life This very word whosoever did work so kindly and with such a sweet efficacy upon my heart that I was constrained