former respecting themselues the latter their families Vnto themselues they owe in common first loue secondly faithfulnesse and helpefulnesse ioyned together a faithfull helpefulnesse and an helpefull faithfulnesse As for loue it is the life the soule of marriage without which it is no more it selfe than a carcase is a man yea it is vncomfortable miserable and a liuing death For this all must labour as all will yeeld that take marriage vpon them The want of this causeth defectiuenesse in all other duties the abundance of it supplyeth what is wanting in the rest Loue seasons and sweetens all estates Loue breakes off and composeth all controuersies Loue ouer-ruleth all affections it squareth all actions in a word it is the King of the heart which where it preuayleth marriage is it selfe indeede viz. a pleasing combination of two persons into one home one purse one heart and one flesh But to commend it and the good effects of it which all doe confesse were needlesse paynes Let vs rather shewe what a kinde of loue it must bee and how it may bee gotten 8. This loue therefore which wee speake of must bee first spirituall then matrimoniall Spirituall I say that is grounded principally vpon the Commaundement of God that requyres it for I speake of Christians not vpon the face fauour proportion beauty dowrie nobility gifts or good parts of him or her to whom it is due for that naturall loue which builds it selfe vpon such sandy considerations as the fore-named will either bee blowne downe by some storme or tempest of displeasure or fall of it selfe or else degenerate into iealousie the most deuouring and fretting canker that can harbour in a married persons brest but spirituall loue that lookes vpon God rests vpon his will yeeldes to his Commaundement and resolues to obey it cannot change it selfe because the cause thereof is vnchangeable Thou louest thy Wife for that shee is faire well-spoken courteous of good feature brings much and is huswifely It is well But what will become of thy loue when all those things faile as all may the most must faile Thou louest thine husband because hee is a proper man and hath an actine and able body is of good health wit carriage because hee is kinde louing of faire condition vseth thee well But where shall we finde thy loue if an alteration come to these things as to all earthly things it may come Loe then how there is no constancy or firmitude in other causes But he which loues his wife and shee which loues her husband because God hath so bidden the maker of all things hath enioyned it the Lord and Master of the heart who alone may command the very affections appoints it so shall finde his or her loue lasting and durable as God alters not and his Law continues alwayes the same This right foundation of loue is Gods Commandement and then it is spirituall when built vpon this rocke 9. It must be also matrimoniall Wee are to loue our friends our kindred our neighbours yea forreiners and our vtter enemies euen all men euery-where but the nuptiall loue of yoke-fellowes is a speciall and peculiar loue farre more deare and inward than all or any of all these It is the fixing of their hearts in the good liking each of other as the onely fit and good match that could bee found vnder the Sunne for them The husband must rest his heart in his wife as the best wife that the world could haue yeelded him The wife must settle her very soule vpon her husband as the best husband that might haue beene had amongst men for her Thus doing they should loue perfectly thus striuing to doe they loue intirely They may lawfully thinke others better men or women but none a better husband or wife for them than their yoke-fellow for this were to admit the desire of changing which cannot stand with true loue Who would change his Childe with any man Euery mans owne son pleaseth him best though perhaps his qualities displease so should the husband so the wife They therefore that are still vpbraiding each other with the by-past matches which they might or should haue had loue not soundly though they may smile vpon each other Marriage-loue admits of no equall but placeth the yoke-fellow next of all to the soule of the party louing it will know none dearer none so deare And of this quality is the loue we require 10. But how shall one that wants this loue attaine it and he which hath some portion thereof gaine a larger increase I answere there bee two things which will euen cement and glew the foules of man and wife together the first is that they take speciall notice of Gods gracious prouidence for good in their match They which looke to God as the match-maker and that in fauour take each other as loue-tokens from Heauen and therefore cannot but loue that well which comes as a signe of his fauour whom they striue to loue aboue all But they which see not his hand mercifully coupling them in this fellowship must needes fall out speedily seeing they want this third thing as it were the ligament and iuncture of their affections A matter of small value is not smally respected when it comes in good-will from a great friend and deare withall Hee that loues the giuer will loue his gift also though not so pretious So the husband or wife though not of the best parts shal be deare to the yoke-fellow that loues God if he or she resolue in their hearts God in great goodnesse hath bestowed this man or woman vpon mee Yea say hee or she be somewhat froward and sullied as I may say with ill conditions the dearenesse of the giuer wil counteruaile some blemishes in the gift Say the Lord did correct thee in giuing thee this husband this wife It was in sauour and for thy good Canst thou chuse but kisse and loue euen the rod that comes from a fathers hand But to this meanes adde a second which will also further vnto this and loue shall grow without faile Let married couples ioyne together in priuat prayer good conference singing of Psalmes and other like religious exercises betwixt themselues alone 2. Pet. 3.7 S. Peter would not haue the prayers of the married interrupted for hee knew full well that these were the best meanes of nourishment to their loues In these things the bright beames of Gods Image will shine forth which haue power to make them amiable each to other Heere they shall bring so much profite and good to each others soule euen to their owne feelings as will effectually prouoke their affections to bee mutually feruent Heere they shall see themselues to bee children of the same father seruants of one Master strangers of one Countrey Pilgrims trauailing both to one the same home So when the sudden land-floud of youthfull violent affections are quite dryed vp these fountaines of spirituall loue which prayer and other exercises
gouerne his wife prouoke her to accomplish his will with quiet pleasing and insinuating termes rather than open and expresse much lesse violent commandings vnlesse shee bee more then ordinarily vnruly Christ beseecheth his Church most an end which hee might with most right command Let the husband imitate that best husband and beware of Doe it or you had best and You shall whether you will or no I will haue it so to crosse you c. Such an husband will crosse himselfe most Violent things are neuer of long continuance And this is mildnesse in commanding 24. It must bee vsed in reprouing where it is rather more necessary by how much bitternesse is lesse to bee brooked and a reproofe lesse easie to bee borne And this must also be shewed in the matter and in the manner of a reproofe For the matter in not finding fault for euery trifle that he sees amisse nor chiding for euery infirmity Many things must be passed by yea all things that be not somewhat grosse and would endanger the wiues selfe if she should not heare of them roundly with none or halfe a word This effect of loue is very needfull towards strangers that it passeth by wants and weakenesses much more in the houshold and in the nearest couple of the houshold Charity is in this sense a great couer-fault it will see none but where they be and many it will see and not see and not speake of and it descends to a reproofe with a willing vnwillingnesse This vertue should abound in this society Heere Christs example must bee followed of all husbands He shuts his eyes as it were and will not spy out all his Churches faults hee will not marke extremely what is done amisse he knowes she is but dust and is assured that she cannot but offend in many things Yet hee puts it vp and not so much as checkes her vnlesse she comes to some wilfulnes in sinning Let all that be husbands doe likewise consider you be matched with women the weaker vessels thinke how many faults your selues haue and if they haue some wonder not that they be so many but that not more and with silence so much as is possible and when it is lawfull to be silent viz. in weakenesses and infirmities striue to amend them It is a great deale safer heere to bee defectiue than to exceed to be somewhat purblinde than too Eagle-eyed In this inwardnes of conuersation it is impossible but diuers wants shall offer themselues to be seene and he that will prye for them and take occasion vpon euery slight matter to draw forth his reproofe shal himselfe liue in perpetuall discontentment yeeld but little quiet to his wife For from hence shee will conceiue and that not without some cause that he loues her not much and this will cause their affections to warpe and chap till all be full of dissention Be not extreme heere be not rigorous but as a mothers tendernes of loue makes her not respect or obserue many deformities in her owne childe so stand thou affected to thine owne wife Pray to God against all her faults commend vnto her all vertues reproue not lesser wants natural weaknesses let her perceiue closely that thou knowest but art not willing to take notice of them that she may take the more diligent notice thereof herselfe and be more carefull to reforme them 25. Moreouer for the manner of reprouing when the thing is most needfull it must yet be gentle The words and behauiour vsed to declare and presse the fault vpon her must be milde and such as breathe forth loue pity A reproofe must be applied as a plaster not with rating but with moaning rather It cannot be auoided no not in the best but this medicine wil be needed yet the husband must remēber not to vse more roughnes than is fit to his owne flesh Reproofe of it selfe as it were a potion goes against the stomack we neede not by our bitternes make it more lothsome as it were by a foule vnsightly cup. The mothers care must be shewed heere She giues the childe worme-seede to kill the wormes and raisins to till downe the worme-seed so must a man reprehend to reproue the fault and yet with great louingnes of speech and countenance to sweeten the reprehension No patient was neuer yet so sicke and desirous of health that he could be perswaded to drinke a potion scalding hot that which burnes the lips would neuer finde admittance into the stomack though it were the most wholsome drink It is iust so with a reproofe if it scalde the eare as I may so speake with vpbraiding and disgracefull speeches with bitter taunts scoffes and mocks with vilifying and rayling words with a fierie looke and as arkling eye with a raging exaltation of the voyce and demeanure of the body it will neuer gaine passage to the hart Compassion loue kindnes declaration of ones sorrow for the fault desire of their good and will of their amendment these be the things that frame the will to accept an admonition and do much helpe the kindly working of it I am not against the wholesome earnestnesse of reprouing and that sharpnes which in some cases God commands this may stand without bitternesse without violence of words and gesture without that fiercenesse against which we speake A thing need not to be key-cold though it scalde not there is a large difference betweene these two Then an admonition is healthfully sharpe and earnest when a man in plainnesse with good termes layes open the absurdity naughtinesse and danger of the sinne enforcing these considerations vpon the heart and conscience of the party euen somewhat lamentably and with some mouing but still with declaration of sorrow more then anger and this ought to bee done In one word therefore let thy reproofes bee warme not hot And thus much for the practise of mildnes 26. The third vertue to bee shewed by the husband is Iustice the soule of gouernment the true temperature of authority without which it rots and putrifieth and degenerates into the most fulsome and stinking carrion of tyranny Now the husband must deale iustly with his wife in foure things First in allowing her sufficient maintenance agreeable to his place and ability and that willingly and with a liberall hand Hee must not thinke himselfe so absolutely Lord of all but that shee must also haue the free and plentifull vse of all according as his calling requires and his sufficiency will beare Indeed if she should exceede both or either of these his authority must sound retraite vnto her lauishnesse neither must he weaken much lesse ouerthrow his estate by pranking her body and feeding her tooth this were after a sort to kill himselfe her his children and whole family with fondnesse towards her a part full of vnrighteousnesse But let her be made equall partner of that which her husband hath So be it she cut her coate according to her cloath
of Religion shall haue digged will still runne with a more moderate and sober but yet more lasting and constant streame Let them season their naturall society with this spirituall communion in the secret seruing of God and they shall auoyde the surfet of satiety which choaketh loue Religion will knit the hearts of strangers fast in one making them deare to each other euer after that for the space but of one moneth or weeke shall conuerse and ioyne together in the same how much more effectuall will it bee to fasten their soules that are tyed with so many and perpetuall bandes besides Therefore to you all that are to you that shall bee husbands and wiues bee this deliuered as a direction which if you faile to obserue you heare without profite Pray together one with and for another in secret conferre reade the Word of God together and sing Psalmes alone this will so riuet your hearts that no contention shall disseuer them For if you doe fall to some actions of vnkindnesse when you meete together againe in prayer in stead of faulting each other the husband will blame himselfe the wife herselfe she comming in Gods presence wil see the greatnesse of her owne sinnes hee of his and then the offences one of another shall appeare but small Thus they shall bee ashamed after to iarre considering they must shame themselues before God for iarring so that if any grudge arise prayer will heale and compose the same that it doe not fester rankle or grow to a continued hard conceite And let euery man aske counsell of his owne heart if the little praying together of husbands and wiues the seldome ioyning together in any good exercises be not the true cause of their little loue Fond hee or shee may bee that pray not betweene themselues louing they cannot be 11. And for the first common dutie thus much The second is faithfulnesse and helpefulnesse conioyned Prou. 31. Salomon sayth that the Husbandes heart may trust in his Wife If shee bee a good Wife shee must bee trustie to him how much more hee to her Hee sayth also that shee will doe him good all the dayes of her life It was the ende of her creation to bee an helper hee must bee a greater helper to her and doe more good by how much his place is better Now these two graces are well vnited when they bee carefull not to doe themselues or suffer through their carelesnesse or wittingly to bee done by any other any manner of hurt each to other and when they bee diligent so farre as in them lyes to doe and procure by others to bee done all good one to another Now man and wife must bee thus faithfull and helpefull first to each others foule in wife and due care to heale each others faults and chiefly to preuent the same If the Husband liue in any grosse sinne the Wife must labour by all kinde louing and Christian meanes to draw him out of it which if her own skill faile to effect she must procure a Physician for his soule as she would doe for his body being sick diseased Only if after all good meanes vsed he proue a dog a swine that grūts barks regards no admonitiō she hath now discharged her duty for the rest must wait and pray to God the great Physician of the soule to redresse the matter enioying still in the meane this comfort that she hath vsed the best meanes with faithfulnes to procure his amendment And so must the husband also deale with the wife yea they must both obserue the dyet temper and constitution as I may speake of each others soule till they perceiue what infirmities they be specially inclined and subiect vnto that so hee may with-draw from her she from him all occasions and prouocations to that euill and shun all occasions that might cause them so to ouer-shoot themselues And againe that they may apply all meanes to weaken and hinder the ouer-flowing of such faults and to stay them from extremity if they haue begunne to slip therein They must labour to be thus acquainted with the diseases and distemperatures of one anothers hearts not to vpbraide not to disgrace not to vilifie but to helpe and support one another by diligent auoyding all things which will cause such euils to breake out and vsing whatsoeuer will heale or mitigate the same So that they deserue to bee condemned as treacherous and vntrusty to one another that for their owne ease sake will quietly permit their yoke-fellowes to sleepe in any sinne almost Let the soule of the husband be infected with swearing with breach of the Sabbath with vniustice or any such like the wife feares an angry passion if she should admonish him and holds her peace and so deales he sometimes with her Is not this to betray one another to the diuell and damnation to suffer one another goe to hell in quiet And they be also most harmefull and mischieuous yoke-fellowes that are ready to spy into the frailties of one another with an euill and malicious eye to vpbraide to prouoke to vexe one another If hee perceiue his wife to bee passionately inclined hee is in heate and will doe this and this to vexe her shee also will doe so and so to anger him so that what infirmities they espy as it were gawled places or sores one vpon another they loue to fret chafe rubbe the same and make them worse Sorry helpe it is that such persons afforde vnto the soules of their married companions But they must be helpefull also and faithfull to each others body by a free and ready vnder-going any cost or paines to their power to procure whatsoeuer dyet Physick or other-like necessaries may make for the preseruing of health and preuenting or remedying of sicknes He must not thinke any paines or charges too much that is this way bestowed with wisedome and according to his power vpon her nor she which is spent vpō him They must auoide that niggardice which possesseth many folks harts that they cannot finde in their hearts to allow one another fire candle food conuenient or the expence of Physicke when sicknesse commeth This is not to be helpfull but to doe harme rather and argues a most vnlouing disposition Thirdly they must bee careful of others good name that they preserue it by honest secrecie and concealement They must shunne as a monstrous treacherie the publishing of one anothers faults and frailties or the discouering of one anothers secrets I meane those things which in hope of priuacie they haue communicated one to another The wife is worthy all hard measure that spreads abroad euery thing which shee sees amisse in her husband still complayning and crying out in euery company what an ill match she hath met withall And that husband cannot be requited with bad vsage sufficiently answerable to his deserts that can finde almost none other talke but what a bad wife he hath light vpon These bee