that will runne from him And the Apostle Paul commands the husband to giue vnto the wife due beneuolence 1 Cor. 7 3.5 and the wife to giue the same to the husband which cannot be without this cohabitation yea he especially forbids them to defraud each the other vnlesse it be by consent and afterwards to come together againe Which doth necessarily import the abode in one home So that the married man or woman may not abide or dwell where each of them pleaseth but they must haue the same habitation as one bodie I deny not that the seruice of the countrey and needefull priuate affaires may cause a iust departure for euen a long time but a wilfull and angry separation of beds or houses must not be tollerated And if it so fall out that either partie doe frowardly and peruersty withdraw him or herselfe from this matrimoniall society which fault is tearmed desertion the man or woman thus offending doth so far violate the couenant of marriage that the thing being found incureable through the obstinacie of that party after iust care had to redresse it the other is loosed from the former band and may lawfully after an orderly proceeding with the Church or Magistrate in that behalfe ioyne him or her selfe to another Of which there is very great reason First because such a separation is a wilful frustrating of the proper purpose end of matrimony annihilating the same through his default and sinnefulnesse euen presumptuous which is found guilty and for this cause deserueth yea constraineth that hee should bee reiected as no longer a yoke-fellow Secondly because such vnfaithfull desertion is almost neuer separated from adultery as the Apostle intimateth in the forenamed place saying Lest Satan tempt you for your incontinency 1 Cor. 7 5. Hee doth vnauoidably cast himselfe vpon vncleannesse that so lewdly casts off marriage which he might auoide And for this matter wee haue receyued cleare direction from the holy Ghost by the Apostle who saith 1 Cor. 7.15 If the vnbeleeuer depart let him depart a brother or a sister is not bound in such thing In which words he permits not to the vnbeleeuer such separations as lawfull but casts the fault vpon him alone and after frees the other party from the band by which he or shee was formerly tied as if hee had saide If he will needes be gone let him and trouble not your selues about it the sin lyes wholly vpon his owne soule A Christian man or woman when cases of this nature fall out is no longer tied to the former couenant nor to the former partie which hath himselfe first broken it Neither is this any whit contrary to that of our Sauiour who forbids a man to put away his wife marry another vnlesse it be for adultery Matth. 19 9. For we allow not to him or her any such liberty of putting away but vpon that only cause Yet if he or she be wrongfully put away the yoke-fellow withdrawing him or herselfe out of the way so that there be no hope to recall them or else not returning vpon good perswasion or meanes vsed we yeelde with the Apostle a freedome to the party so wronged And these things you see may well stand together No man may lawfully forsake his wife nor the wife the husband but in case of adultery to marry another and yet any man or woman being wrongfully forsaken by his or her yoke-fellow may lawfully then marry another as being disburdened of the former yoke without any sinne on their parts in that thing procuring it Onely we professe that in cases of this nature a iust and orderly course must bee taken Euery one may not headdily and vpon a sudde carue to themselues but seeke direction and craue helpe from the Church and Magistrate whose dutie bindes them to prouide remedy for such inconueniences So that this thing also must bee diligently auoided by married people that they doe neuer vpon occasion of discontentment or the like absent themselues or runne away from each other which to doe were to vntie that knot which God before had knit betwixt them and to separate the things which God and man by Gods allowance had conioyned Yea they must not alone beware of making an vtter rent and totall breach in their society but auoid also those smaller iarres and cracks that make way thereunto They must not through passionate fallings out and proud distasting of each others behauiour separate house bed or table no not for a short space They must not seeke occasions of long and needlesse absence through carelesnesse or slight respect each of other or following vaine pleasures and company-keeping abroad For is it not a madnes to procure a strangenesse betwixt themselues which ought to bee most familiar And were it not better not to depart than to make an open iarre of that which might haue beene priuately reconciled 5. And for the maine and principall duties required in matrimony viz. chastity and cohabitation so much The lesse principall follow to which men and women are indeed bound by their promise and vow but yet not with so much strictnes that any offence in them should make the former bargaine voide wants in these matters doe stretch the corn of matrimony and giue as I may say a sore gird vnto it but breake it not onely they breake Gods Commaundement exceedingly that haue not in these things also great care to confirme that vnion which should bee made indissoluble by their diligence Now these also are of two sorts whereof the first respecteth their ordinary society the second looketh to the society of the marriage-bed Againe those which concerne their ordinary society are of two sorts Some bee mutuall pertayning to both others speciall pertayning to eyther of them 6. The mutuall therefore that wee may speake of them in order are requyred both of man and wife though not in an equall measure of both For in all these common duties the husband should bee most abundant knowing that more of euery grace is looked for from him then from the weaker vessell Wee call them not therefore common or mutuall because both should haue a like quantity of them but because both must haue some of all and the husband most of all And for these common duties you must know in generall that whatsoeuer is requyred of all men and women generally towards other by the Law of Christianity and Charity as they bee men and neighbors the same is in an higher degree and larger measure requyred from the husband toward the wife and from her to him So that looke what the Law of Loue or Religion bids thee performe to any person as a man or Christian that it bindes thee much more diligently and carefully to performe to thy yoke-fellow The neerer band of matrimony weakens not but confirmes the more common of humanity But it shal be needfull more particularly to describe these common duties 7. They bee of two kindes The
former respecting themselues the latter their families Vnto themselues they owe in common first loue secondly faithfulnesse and helpefulnesse ioyned together a faithfull helpefulnesse and an helpefull faithfulnesse As for loue it is the life the soule of marriage without which it is no more it selfe than a carcase is a man yea it is vncomfortable miserable and a liuing death For this all must labour as all will yeeld that take marriage vpon them The want of this causeth defectiuenesse in all other duties the abundance of it supplyeth what is wanting in the rest Loue seasons and sweetens all estates Loue breakes off and composeth all controuersies Loue ouer-ruleth all affections it squareth all actions in a word it is the King of the heart which where it preuayleth marriage is it selfe indeede viz. a pleasing combination of two persons into one home one purse one heart and one flesh But to commend it and the good effects of it which all doe confesse were needlesse paynes Let vs rather shewe what a kinde of loue it must bee and how it may bee gotten 8. This loue therefore which wee speake of must bee first spirituall then matrimoniall Spirituall I say that is grounded principally vpon the Commaundement of God that requyres it for I speake of Christians not vpon the face fauour proportion beauty dowrie nobility gifts or good parts of him or her to whom it is due for that naturall loue which builds it selfe vpon such sandy considerations as the fore-named will either bee blowne downe by some storme or tempest of displeasure or fall of it selfe or else degenerate into iealousie the most deuouring and fretting canker that can harbour in a married persons brest but spirituall loue that lookes vpon God rests vpon his will yeeldes to his Commaundement and resolues to obey it cannot change it selfe because the cause thereof is vnchangeable Thou louest thy Wife for that shee is faire well-spoken courteous of good feature brings much and is huswifely It is well But what will become of thy loue when all those things faile as all may the most must faile Thou louest thine husband because hee is a proper man and hath an actine and able body is of good health wit carriage because hee is kinde louing of faire condition vseth thee well But where shall we finde thy loue if an alteration come to these things as to all earthly things it may come Loe then how there is no constancy or firmitude in other causes But he which loues his wife and shee which loues her husband because God hath so bidden the maker of all things hath enioyned it the Lord and Master of the heart who alone may command the very affections appoints it so shall finde his or her loue lasting and durable as God alters not and his Law continues alwayes the same This right foundation of loue is Gods Commandement and then it is spirituall when built vpon this rocke 9. It must be also matrimoniall Wee are to loue our friends our kindred our neighbours yea forreiners and our vtter enemies euen all men euery-where but the nuptiall loue of yoke-fellowes is a speciall and peculiar loue farre more deare and inward than all or any of all these It is the fixing of their hearts in the good liking each of other as the onely fit and good match that could bee found vnder the Sunne for them The husband must rest his heart in his wife as the best wife that the world could haue yeelded him The wife must settle her very soule vpon her husband as the best husband that might haue beene had amongst men for her Thus doing they should loue perfectly thus striuing to doe they loue intirely They may lawfully thinke others better men or women but none a better husband or wife for them than their yoke-fellow for this were to admit the desire of changing which cannot stand with true loue Who would change his Childe with any man Euery mans owne son pleaseth him best though perhaps his qualities displease so should the husband so the wife They therefore that are still vpbraiding each other with the by-past matches which they might or should haue had loue not soundly though they may smile vpon each other Marriage-loue admits of no equall but placeth the yoke-fellow next of all to the soule of the party louing it will know none dearer none so deare And of this quality is the loue we require 10. But how shall one that wants this loue attaine it and he which hath some portion thereof gaine a larger increase I answere there bee two things which will euen cement and glew the foules of man and wife together the first is that they take speciall notice of Gods gracious prouidence for good in their match They which looke to God as the match-maker and that in fauour take each other as loue-tokens from Heauen and therefore cannot but loue that well which comes as a signe of his fauour whom they striue to loue aboue all But they which see not his hand mercifully coupling them in this fellowship must needes fall out speedily seeing they want this third thing as it were the ligament and iuncture of their affections A matter of small value is not smally respected when it comes in good-will from a great friend and deare withall Hee that loues the giuer will loue his gift also though not so pretious So the husband or wife though not of the best parts shal be deare to the yoke-fellow that loues God if he or she resolue in their hearts God in great goodnesse hath bestowed this man or woman vpon mee Yea say hee or she be somewhat froward and sullied as I may say with ill conditions the dearenesse of the giuer wil counteruaile some blemishes in the gift Say the Lord did correct thee in giuing thee this husband this wife It was in sauour and for thy good Canst thou chuse but kisse and loue euen the rod that comes from a fathers hand But to this meanes adde a second which will also further vnto this and loue shall grow without faile Let married couples ioyne together in priuat prayer good conference singing of Psalmes and other like religious exercises betwixt themselues alone 2. Pet. 3.7 S. Peter would not haue the prayers of the married interrupted for hee knew full well that these were the best meanes of nourishment to their loues In these things the bright beames of Gods Image will shine forth which haue power to make them amiable each to other Heere they shall bring so much profite and good to each others soule euen to their owne feelings as will effectually prouoke their affections to bee mutually feruent Heere they shall see themselues to bee children of the same father seruants of one Master strangers of one Countrey Pilgrims trauailing both to one the same home So when the sudden land-floud of youthfull violent affections are quite dryed vp these fountaines of spirituall loue which prayer and other exercises
of Religion shall haue digged will still runne with a more moderate and sober but yet more lasting and constant streame Let them season their naturall society with this spirituall communion in the secret seruing of God and they shall auoyde the surfet of satiety which choaketh loue Religion will knit the hearts of strangers fast in one making them deare to each other euer after that for the space but of one moneth or weeke shall conuerse and ioyne together in the same how much more effectuall will it bee to fasten their soules that are tyed with so many and perpetuall bandes besides Therefore to you all that are to you that shall bee husbands and wiues bee this deliuered as a direction which if you faile to obserue you heare without profite Pray together one with and for another in secret conferre reade the Word of God together and sing Psalmes alone this will so riuet your hearts that no contention shall disseuer them For if you doe fall to some actions of vnkindnesse when you meete together againe in prayer in stead of faulting each other the husband will blame himselfe the wife herselfe she comming in Gods presence wil see the greatnesse of her owne sinnes hee of his and then the offences one of another shall appeare but small Thus they shall bee ashamed after to iarre considering they must shame themselues before God for iarring so that if any grudge arise prayer will heale and compose the same that it doe not fester rankle or grow to a continued hard conceite And let euery man aske counsell of his owne heart if the little praying together of husbands and wiues the seldome ioyning together in any good exercises be not the true cause of their little loue Fond hee or shee may bee that pray not betweene themselues louing they cannot be 11. And for the first common dutie thus much The second is faithfulnesse and helpefulnesse conioyned Prou. 31. Salomon sayth that the Husbandes heart may trust in his Wife If shee bee a good Wife shee must bee trustie to him how much more hee to her Hee sayth also that shee will doe him good all the dayes of her life It was the ende of her creation to bee an helper hee must bee a greater helper to her and doe more good by how much his place is better Now these two graces are well vnited when they bee carefull not to doe themselues or suffer through their carelesnesse or wittingly to bee done by any other any manner of hurt each to other and when they bee diligent so farre as in them lyes to doe and procure by others to bee done all good one to another Now man and wife must bee thus faithfull and helpefull first to each others foule in wife and due care to heale each others faults and chiefly to preuent the same If the Husband liue in any grosse sinne the Wife must labour by all kinde louing and Christian meanes to draw him out of it which if her own skill faile to effect she must procure a Physician for his soule as she would doe for his body being sick diseased Only if after all good meanes vsed he proue a dog a swine that grūts barks regards no admonitiō she hath now discharged her duty for the rest must wait and pray to God the great Physician of the soule to redresse the matter enioying still in the meane this comfort that she hath vsed the best meanes with faithfulnes to procure his amendment And so must the husband also deale with the wife yea they must both obserue the dyet temper and constitution as I may speake of each others soule till they perceiue what infirmities they be specially inclined and subiect vnto that so hee may with-draw from her she from him all occasions and prouocations to that euill and shun all occasions that might cause them so to ouer-shoot themselues And againe that they may apply all meanes to weaken and hinder the ouer-flowing of such faults and to stay them from extremity if they haue begunne to slip therein They must labour to be thus acquainted with the diseases and distemperatures of one anothers hearts not to vpbraide not to disgrace not to vilifie but to helpe and support one another by diligent auoyding all things which will cause such euils to breake out and vsing whatsoeuer will heale or mitigate the same So that they deserue to bee condemned as treacherous and vntrusty to one another that for their owne ease sake will quietly permit their yoke-fellowes to sleepe in any sinne almost Let the soule of the husband be infected with swearing with breach of the Sabbath with vniustice or any such like the wife feares an angry passion if she should admonish him and holds her peace and so deales he sometimes with her Is not this to betray one another to the diuell and damnation to suffer one another goe to hell in quiet And they be also most harmefull and mischieuous yoke-fellowes that are ready to spy into the frailties of one another with an euill and malicious eye to vpbraide to prouoke to vexe one another If hee perceiue his wife to bee passionately inclined hee is in heate and will doe this and this to vexe her shee also will doe so and so to anger him so that what infirmities they espy as it were gawled places or sores one vpon another they loue to fret chafe rubbe the same and make them worse Sorry helpe it is that such persons afforde vnto the soules of their married companions But they must be helpefull also and faithfull to each others body by a free and ready vnder-going any cost or paines to their power to procure whatsoeuer dyet Physick or other-like necessaries may make for the preseruing of health and preuenting or remedying of sicknes He must not thinke any paines or charges too much that is this way bestowed with wisedome and according to his power vpon her nor she which is spent vpō him They must auoide that niggardice which possesseth many folks harts that they cannot finde in their hearts to allow one another fire candle food conuenient or the expence of Physicke when sicknesse commeth This is not to be helpfull but to doe harme rather and argues a most vnlouing disposition Thirdly they must bee careful of others good name that they preserue it by honest secrecie and concealement They must shunne as a monstrous treacherie the publishing of one anothers faults and frailties or the discouering of one anothers secrets I meane those things which in hope of priuacie they haue communicated one to another The wife is worthy all hard measure that spreads abroad euery thing which shee sees amisse in her husband still complayning and crying out in euery company what an ill match she hath met withall And that husband cannot be requited with bad vsage sufficiently answerable to his deserts that can finde almost none other talke but what a bad wife he hath light vpon These bee
and raging passions wil smell so lothsomely in the wiues nostrils comming from the husband that she shal hardly chuse but first hate him and despise him after This distasteful bitternesse of speech and behauiour bewrayes impotency of affection and that great want of wisdome and this will produce great want of reuerence If thou be an husband and wouldest bee regarded tumble not thy selfe in those foule dirty and stinking guzzels of passionate rayling stryking or the like That which bewrayes so great folly must it not procure exceeding great contempt Secondly beware of vnthriftines that is another great enemy to authority and as a worme rottes and consumes the same Whatsoeuer man giues himselfe to drinking gaming ill-company keeping which three vices go commonly together shall at once lose his wit wealth estimation When drinke hath dispossessed reason gaming prouidence ill-company good conditions the carriage wil be foolish wicked beast-like and the person base hated loathed Neuer did vnthrift keepe his place as not his money For who can regard him that will not be worth any thing Thirdly lightnes must be auoyded foolish behauiour and carriage chyldish and vnsober trickes that haue no print or stampe of grauity vpon them these expose a man to contempt For if the husband put on a fooles Coate and take a bable in his hand and what else be these odde and toyish demeanures can hee blame his wife though shee take vp laughter at him The bitter man is as a franticke head troublesome the vnthrifty man as a scald head fulsome the light man the Iester as a giddy head ridiculous Such will soone displease themselues though none goe about to vndermyne them But lâ—t euery godly man abhorre these base euils and striue for holynesse of conuersation that hee may bee indeede a gouernour and his superiority remaine entire vnto him 16. Yet what auailes to keepe authority if hee vse it not or how can it but rust without vsing Wherefore the husband must exercise his authority and wee must direct him for that purpose Now to the intent he may gouerne well it behoues him to know both the end of his gouernment and the manner of it The end of this as all other gouernment in Nations Kingdomes Countries Cities and Townes is not the satisfying of his desires or procuring of his ease pleasure credit which hath the chiefedome for then all things runne out of order as when a bowle is not set with a right byas but the good and benefit of the party gouerned to the glory of God the chiefe Lord and Gouernour of all Thus one thing alone being well obserued would stoppe out a great streame of inconueniences from breaking in vpon the family For therefore most men gouerne not well because they doe wholly serue themselues in gouerning and not the wife therefore they will doe any thing to please their owne humors though it bee neuer so dangerous to the wife which is the greatest absurdity in gouernment that can bee committed because they conceiue that the place was giuen them to fulfill their owne desires and not so much to procure their wiues good which conceit is altogether false For as the Ministers must watch ouer the soules of their flocke for their profite and saluation not for their own priuate wealth and aduantage so must the husband deale with his wife for this is the end why God hath ordained gouernours priuate and publique vnder him that the inferiours might the better bee drawne vnto him by meanes of them which alwayes should be as they be called their betters 17. And yet to intend this if he doe not in some measure attaine it were to little purpose so that as hee must aime at her good so must hee effect it by gouerning in a right manner to the nourishing and encreasing of whatsoeuer vertue rooting out and weakning of whatsoeuer corruption hee shall meete with in her Now then hee rules in a right manner when in ruling he rules himselfe by three principall vertues which are of greatest vse and note in all gouernments and in this domesticall kingdome as I may so terme it 18. The first of these three vertues is wisedome which is the sterne of authority that doth guide it in an euen and steady course that it dash not against those two dangerous rockes slauish feare on the one side and contempt on the other And the chiefe vse of wisedome is to carry ones selfe so that loue and reuerence may not enterfiere cut and so destroy each the other It s hard of an inferiour so familiar to be loued and not slightly set by harder to be reuerenced not slightly feared not hated Prudence therefore must so manage the matter that they may keepe these two affections in their due temper free from excesse free from defect so doing good according to the dignity of the place Now this wisedome must bee vsed in giuing commandements and reprooses with which two it is fit euery wise man should content himselfe in this society We dare not allow him to proceede so farre as to correct by blowes Indeed what Christian woman will carry her selfe so that a man of any indifferent good behauiour should neede to strike Let his wisdome rather appeare in abstayning from blowes preuenting the breaking forth of such enormities as may challenge them than in giuing them moderately and as he thinkes in due manner But for commandements and reproofes he may he must giue them and herein we will direct him as we are able 19. First in commanding hee must regard these two rules chiefly One is that he doe not command senselesse and vnreasonable much lesse wicked vnlawfull things that are grounded meerely vpon his wilfulnesse and no iust besides Such commandings make her take him for an heady foole not a wise head and that conceit neuer riseth but with the vtter ruine of reuerence and so of his authority The wife indeed should cast her eye onely vpon the lawfulnesse or vnlawfulnesse of the thing asking none other question but whether it offend God yea or no but the husband must consider further that that which hee giues in charge be discreete vsefull and commodious and whereof himselfe can yeeld some sufficient cause to make it appeare fit and needfull to be done He that doth not so shuts out his commandements as a childe doth his arrow a cock-height as they say not at any marke and what is more ridiculous than such childishnesse in a man of yeares Hee that bids his wife doe a thing without reason doth as if it were ride without a bridle If such a mans horse be not exceeding gentle and well broken he will sure either run out of the way or stumble and cast the rider So if such a mans wife be not more then ordinary in meekenes and patience she will either rebell against him or contemne him For the good that commeth from the thing commanded yeeldeth sufficiency of argument to the womans vn derstanding whereby shee may