ignorant of as how shou'd he be otherwise swallowed down amongst the Pap and ever since has worn his Brains in his Guts instead of Gutts in his Brains But this is but the effect of Envy that speaks well of no Body any more than another foul Calumny of the same Batch that they Rambled to t'other End of the World upon new Discoveries where being surprized by the Cannibals they got 'em out of his Ears with a Skewer as folks pick Marrow-bones and eat 'em as a rare Dainty with Pepper and Vinegar others that being close pursued and conscious they were the most precious things he had about him he ' ene sneez'd 'em out of his Nose as the Bever bites off his more valuable Moveables when in the same circumstances and left 'em for a Bait to catch the Gudgeons with upon a fair Cabbidge-leaf just in the High◠way But 't is certain from his own Mouth 't was another sort of substance tho' much of the same consistence which fell from him in his flight from these Obstreperous and Carnivorous Anthropophagi and the Truth is the only Ramble his Brains ever made were into his Pen as he was nibling it to get out these excellent works For his Eyes if they they did not ramble in his Mothers Belly because there perhaps the modest Fool might keep 'em shut 't is certain they fell a gadding as soon as ' ere they came abroad and will never lie still more till many a fair Year after he 's buried if they do then Let those who have no further to Ramble than the Play-house admire the fair full Eye the tip the twinkle the ogle or what you please to call it but he gives you his Honour upon 't which will pass for a Pot of Ale at any blind Ale-house in Christendom that of all the Eyes in the World he envies those that squint because they can look nine ways at once and he heartily wishes his Eyes were Diametrically retrograde to each other for he had much rather look all round about than just before him The truth is his own Eyes as they are do him no inconsiderable Service of which you 'll know more when I tell you what Rambles they and their Fellow-Travellers his Fingers have had together His Nose Rambles not to an Hospital but a Kitchen which smoaks in every Country and his Table is cover'd in every Hamlet from hence to the Antipodes so generous is his Stomach that he scorns the queasie morose temper of those who never eat unless they are sure they are Welcome and the Meat clean dress'd whereas he 'd not refuse a Dinner thô with an old Usurer who gave him as many Curses for every bit he eat as there have been drops of Water in the Thames running by Greenwich this 700 Years nor stand out at an Invitation thô made by the Hottomtots on the Cape of Good-Hope to one of their T d-Puddings and no other Claret to make it go down but the Indians Delight the gravy of half a dozen fat Toads mellowing in a Jar for half a Year before the Feast To let alone therefore the Rambling of his Tongue which all the World knows has such a way with it his Teeth and Pallat are of all Nations and Religions as well as that He can Feast very conformably on a good decent Mince Pye or Canonical Pot of Plumb-Porridge he can edifie on a brotherly Capon and think Sack-posset a very comfortable and enlarging Dispensation he can Fast and Mortifie on Sturgeon Turbet Mullet or Shell-fish with e're a portly Fryer of 'em all ay and munch Locusts with the poor Maronites in Mount Libanus rather than let his Gutts cling together while he eats Pudding and Sallat with the Bramin when he can get no better Food He is not such a Hog as not to eat Flesh of a Iews dressing because 't was cut with its Throat towards Ierusalem nor is not such a Iew as to refuse a good sliver of a Hog if he meets it handsomly upon Governours-Island or any other place on this or t'other side on 't I promis'd to tell you what Rambling Hands he has O they are a pair of little Wanderers as ever went where they had no business not that they ever dived into any Pockets besides his own which they seldom take any Money from much less from another he scorns it Sir you don't know him or else he has a Sword and Pistol at your service for be it known t' ye he 'll ne're make use on 't unless to present at the Bushes and furiously throw 'em over the Hedge But they strole in conjunction with his Eyes over all the Learned World as his Feet over the natural one cropping here and there nay one may venture to say every where such delicate choice Flowers as present themselves to his Inquisitive Peepers His Feet are of the same Humour with all the rest of his Body and they so infect his Leggs that he has much ado to keep up the Confederacy between 'em they have such a huge mind to be running away from one another so that 't is fear'd he 'll in time grow splay-footed and from their Body too as sweet a one as 't is as Dr. Faustus's did from him when the Countrey-man pull'd to wake him What shou'd I tell you of his Soul since his Body is the very Picture on 't and if you know one you can't miss o' t'other among a thousand 'T is like Gresham-Colledge or the Anatomy-School at Leyden hung round with a thousand Knick-knacks that rambled thither some of 'em half the World over But what pains he takes to show 'em all and does it with as much Decorum and gravity as the old Fellow used to show the Tombs at Westminster so that in his own words his ill Luck lies not so much in being a Fool as in being put to such Pain to express it to the World But shou'd the Frollick go round and all the World write a Book of their Lives and Rambles as he has done he 'll ask one civil Question Who wou'd be Fool then To summe up all his Character in two Words He is Inquire within and you may know further Evanders CHARACTER THE Author of these Rambles Review'd by himself Modesty may Iustice claim Truth and I may do the same EVander is a Person without Flattery endu'd with all Accomplishments that Nature ever cramm'd into a Gelly of Stars to make a Chees-cake of Like the rising Sun round the Head of his Apollo he is always imploy'd in circumnavigating the Sphincter of some Myoptical Primogenity and sure I am that should Diogenes his Tub come to Life again he would be the first Man chosen by the States of the Moon to craok Chesnuts with a pair of Butter-firkins But to be less Ciceronian He is one of an indifferent Stature neither so high as the Monumental Irish ma◠nor full out so humble as that Modicum 〈◊〉 Mortality that crawls about with
enter the Lifts with him in Poetry Rapture for Raâ—ourâ— my Pen and Ink to his Budgeâ— and let him drop as long as he wou'd as the Blind Bâ—ggâ—r and the Knight did their Gold I 'd not fear keeping pace with him 'T was this I say which brought me to be as you see Gentlemen I vow there 's no cheat in me be ye but Judges now take the last Verse Ah â—ohn Aâ— Nan and so away How soft how natural and easie is't not fine is't to be match't agen O Envy Envy Thou dumb Beast thou If thou woot n't speak hold thy tongue while I explain to such as better deferve it the meaning of that Verse whereof thy Ears are not worthy Ah Iohn Ah Nan You must know my Name Hold hold I cry ye mercy Mr. Reader 't was out before I was aware on 't you must know a Friend of my Fathers Name was Iohn and he had a Sister her Name was Nan so these two he call'd upon the very last words ever he said in this World and then he dy'd for good and all and I won't disturb him no more and cou'd almost resolve not to tell you a word more about him but 't is hard for Friends to part why spare me a Page or two more you 'll be never the poorer your selves at the years end and be obliging complaisant and Civil as I'lâ— be to you when you write a Book and don 't give me the Lâ—â— or call me Flatterer when I assure you my Father was one of the rarest Men in the World and that I Dream'd of his 〈◊〉 three Days before I heard on 't Tho' I 'm confident 〈◊〉 have been falser things Chronicled than either of these But I must give you a little more of his Character 〈◊〉 fancy he 'll ne'r rest in peace which indeed may 〈◊〉 he made up of whatever is good in other men as the 〈◊〉 Venus was from all the fine Women â—'the Country But I 'll give you only some of the most remarkable 〈◊〉 and let the rest lye mellowing till a Second Edition He was capable of euery thing and proud of nothing â—ay rather actually Master of all things of all the Perfections that cou'd be sound or named He had a Tongue fit to converse with Angels and 〈◊〉 yet better than that Tongue for 't was so full of Virtue and 〈◊〉 that 't was never to be exhausted By an unparallelâ—d reach of understanding he soar'd above the highest all other Perfections being so far from matching his that they deserve not to be mention'd and the great distance between 'em made 'em appear like a little point scarce to be seen and less to be regarded In a place of Athens when one nam'd Plutarch the Eccho answer'd Philosophy if he 〈◊〉 tells the Story don't lie so shou'd his Namâ— be mention'd 't wou'd certainly answer either VIRTUE or EVANDER's FATHER His Breast was a brave Palace a broad Street Where all Heroick ample Thoughts did meet Where Nature such a large Survey had ta'ne As other Souls to his dwel't in a Lane So look tall Hills on some small sneaking Valley So great Cheapside on little Scalding-Alley For his Body that rich Cabinet of a richer Iewel 't was even a fit match for what it contain'd He had a graceful and a full comely Countenance in which as if Nature had made a Mould on purpose for him we might perceive a duly composed Feature mixt of Gravity and Sweetness Ana His Meen so becoming that commanded Awe and Love together from all the Beholders Hiâ— Stature elevated somewhat above the common sort of ordinary tall Men The habit of his Body spare far from Câ—rpulency but exactly proportion'd His Hair was as black as the blackest Raven and curiously â—url'd as if it â—rept back agâ—n and long'd to kiss so sweet a Face Evander's true Father In a word his very aspect was such that any man that knew how might borrow Wit enough from it to serve him an Age Perfect Evander still For I protest now I think on 't I 've sometimes seen ingenious men stand stock still and stare upon my Face such as tis and after some Contemplation break out into a gentle smile as who should say they received extream Satisfaction â—the very beholding on 't He cou'd say what he wou'd and provâ— what he said and was so perfect as not to be capable of Improvement As many Virtues joyn'd in him as we Can scarce pick here and there in History Though ne'r so careful our Collections be Flower of all Flowers a perfect living Book In which whoever had but chanc't to look Wou'd soon confess unless small Understanders It did belong to some of the Evanders A Posie of Translations and Collections A very Rambling Chaos of Perfections Each pinn'd upon the Back so close of t' other No passage by to read this for the other More than old Writers Practice e'r cou'd reach Tho' them I 've read or Bunyan's self cou'd teach Down with fair Innocence each Night he lay As I with Iris Sol with Thâ—tiâ— gay When all the World we 've rambled round thro' all the livelong-Day ☜ ' BVY FATHER But first Pray bring me to London Bind me 'Prentice and then Ramble to t'other World as fast as you please tho' for all my stout heart seldom cou'd I think of his Death for almost 16 years after without half-crying my Eyes out But as we are jogging if along for London before he was Dead all this was what shou'd we light upon in the side of a warm Hedge but of all the Birds i' the Sky my Brother Cuckoo Was n't that a very strange thing Brother Critlck No truly not strange at all but what follows is stranger over against this Hedge was another Hedge and in that Hedge over against this Hedge was an old Ivy-Bush and in that Ivy-Bush was an Owl Now it being towards Evening and a fine Summers Evening 't was as one shou'd see in a Summers Day what do's the Cuckoo but crys Cuc-koo what do's the Owl but fall a 〈◊〉 and Whittoow-hooing what do I but stand still and let my Horse graze between 'em both to hear their melody If you are any thing learned I 'm sure you have heard of Apollonius's understanding the Sparrows Language and why may not I as well the Owls and Cuckoos O thought I wi' my self what a brave Recorder that Cuckoo's Bill wou'd make and then the Owls wou'd do for a Flagilet to a wonder But while I was admiring their Skill and Harmony I was so ravish'd with their Charming Musick that cou'd you believe it That I fell stark asleep under the Tree and my Mind being full of the Idea's which were in my Head e're I fell asleep they seem'd still to continue their Discourse which now I understood better so than while waking warbling out between 'em this following Song in Stylo recitativâ— But now I think on 't tho' I understood it you won't and therefore
of peace and Quietness for Decency Profit and such prudential Considerations lest it should obstruct the rolling forward of the other Two and twenty Globes yet behind in the Frontispiece and spoil the Sale of this and what comes after thereby cheating the World of a most inestimable Treasure now just ready to pop into their Libraries I say for such like Causes as these rather than any Necessity in the nature of the thing Evander Kainophilus and the Author laying their Heads together have resolved to give a sound and formal Answer that all the little snarful Criticks may for ever after hold their peace or have their Dogs Teeth broke out by the dint of ponderous Argument The main Objection then against this First Book last past as well as the whole Design is thus proposed by some wise ones namely That they don't know what to make on 't They can neither find beginning nor ending head nor tail nor can't for their Lives tell what the Author wou'd be at what he drives at or intends in part or whole What use what profit what account it turns to what 't is good for how it answers the Name how to reconcile Book and Title and make 'em kin to one another A Pocket-Library a Trap-stick 't is why ' tis'n't so much as a Catalogue and my Pocket is already sufficiently furnish't quoth one Spark with a Manuscript-Library of my own or Mistresses or Letters from Kainophil eternally to supply some certain Uses which only this new Library is like to be employed in However Paper is'n't yet so dear a Man must give Eighteen pence for a Weeks wiping Out you filthy Fellow you offend the nice Evander and deserve to remain as long imprison'd in the nasty place you prate of as the Iew who wou'd not come out on his own Sabbath But we shall have them anon and my Author has a Pen will firk ye if he setteth about it A Voyage round the World this quoth another Umph but what Page shall we find it in The Author has quite forgot it shatter'd the business out of his thin Skull and as the Panegyrist before him bin graciously pleas'd to ramble to somewhat else Here 's indeed a parcel of odd nonsensical Tales of Graffham and Dungrove and a Country Bumkin coming to London and flying in the Air and I know not what but what 's all this all this while to a Voyage about the World Why this is ten times worse than a Battel in Stylo recitativo The Man writes Short-hand quoth another witty Rogue and abbreviates Books into Pages them into Sentences and them into Words and between his Doggrel-Philosophy Prose and Poetry has shovel'd up such a Hodg-potch of stuff here as wou'd make a Hermit tear his Beard to hear it Very well when ye are out of breath 't is hop'd a Man may get room to speak for himself The first grave Complaint against this useful profitable ingenious admirable Book with modesty be it spoken is That People don't know what to make on 't And what if they don't Evander supposes 't would puzzle a good Logician to Analogyze all the famous History of the renowned Knight of the Mancha especially now P s has made nonscence on 't by shifting the Scene one Page in Spain and the next in England Perhaps I had never any mind you should know that I mean nor what to make on 't there lies all the Jest sometimes and why might not I intend my Book after the Tune of I lent my Mony to my Friend Or Riddle me Riddle me If Evander had obliged the World with the Second Edition of the Horn-book a Primmer in Folio or a new Protestant Tutor in Twenty four Volumes then 't had been enough to let the World have known what to make on 't Who knows not that those things are most admired which are least understood Unless the Infallible Church her self be foully out Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion nay it may be as much policy for me to have my Book unintelligible as for them to have their Prayers and all the rest of their Religion Not that I 'm a Papist for all that No I abominate both Flogging and Fasting as against the Light of Nature and as bad as Transubstantiation one of 'em as great an enemy to my Back as 'tother to my Belly but for Illustration or so now and then 't is lawful to pick a Flower if one can find it from e're a Dunghil in Christendom This supposing they could not understand it as another great Person said in a like case some years past I am't bound to find Sence both for my Book and my Readers 'T would be enough if I my self understood it whether others do so or no. And that I do I am my self the properest Judge But that the World mayn't think me morose or envious and to evidence the goodness of my Nature by its being so communicative I 'll e'ne for once make others as happy as my self Kainophilus will tweak the World 's great Nose open its Basin-Eyes lug its stubborn Ears and lead it into the most intimate meaning of all those precious things laid up in the sacred Archieves of those his admirable Works past present and to come He undertakes so clearly to demonstrate the pleasure profit and excellent advantage of the Premisses as to perswade any thing but an Vsurer to purchase 'em and lay 'em under the Pillow every night as Alexander did Homer He 'll prove as much beyond contradiction That 't is a true actual Voyage round the World ev'ry Word and Paragraph therein as Authentick as the renowned Mandevil and as Moral as the famous History of Reynard the Fox or the last Edition of the same Book disguised under the Title of the Hind and Panther And that in all these Heads the Design is carried on constantly the Method not confused though somewhat Cryptical and requiring a little study to crack the Shell and get out the Kernel The Frontispiece the Explanation the Title-page and Introduction make all this appear without any trouble of telling it The intent of the whole as therein appears being to give a Iournal of Life and a Description of the wide World and some Memoirs relating to the Actions of one particular Person from his Cradle to his Grave into which all the rest is most subtilly woven But who that Person is let none be so hasty to affirm Those who dare be so presumptuous we shall meet with 'em in the next Chapter and perhaps more severely in other places if they don't mend their Manners and mind their own Business Now this single Life whose soever 't is is Hieroglyphically delineated in the Twenty four Globes of the Frontispiece none but his own actual Rambles having the honour to be insculpt thereon wherein you see he is carried through all the Scenes of Life from his coming bare-b ' d into the World to his going in like manner out on 't which you
may see most pleasantly describ'd in the Twenty fourth and last Globe Through all which and every part of it you 'l find Directions for management of your self in any state of Life School-boy Prentice Traveller Soldier not too much tho' of that Lover Tradesman and what not with many pleasant and useful Digressions with or without Occasion some of which will cure the Melancholy if not as deep as any in Bedlam That ever any Man in his Senses but all are not Evanders should question the Usefulness of this Design and the past or following Volumes That in the first place 't was highly useful to Me which none need doubt I think the principal Verb I can assure 'em by my own Experience t' has turn'd a penny these hard times and the Thing Design and Method being all new and diverting has taken so well I have no reason to be sorry of having obliged the World since that has done as much by me agen an Evidence of which as well as of my Gratitude for it is this Second Volume Nor let any be so unjust to think the Usefulness of this Work is confined to the Author alone though Charity begins at home his design being more generous and communicative and tending to the profit of others as well as himself upon more accounts than two or three The first is because 't is so pleasant so diverting so tickling and all that to those who do but understand the whim on 't To see a Man describ'd and not describ'd playing Bo-peep with the World and hiding himself behind his Fingers like Merry Andrew clapping his Conjuring-Cap on and then crying Who sees me now thrusting his Head into a Bush and like a cunning sort of a Bird that comes from the Moon whither he is to take a Voyage in one of these odd Books and then defying all the World as Pembrook did to know him by his t'other end I say to see this ingenious Author as close under the name of Kainophilus as Achates and Aeneas in the Cloak of Venus seeing every Body and hearing what Folks say and censure of him and none seeing or hearing him What in the World can be a more pleasant Spectacle or better deserving the Motto over the door where this monstrous sight is to be seen Spectatum admissi risum teneatis amici But alas Evander's Person though diverting enough is far from being all the pleasant Humours of this Book Here are not only wise Ones but Fools of all sorts and sizes Cit. Fools and Bumkin Fools Prodigal Fools and Flint-fisted Fools Old Young and Middle-aged Quarto's Folio's and Decimo-Sexto's enough to furnish all the Shops from Temple-Bar to the Poultrey-Counter and if all this choice won't please ye your Stomachs must be too quâ—asie ever to eat Porridge with Evander How many Comical Remarks and Merry Fancies are stuck all over the Book like an Orange with Cloves a Lover with Flowers or a Mad-man with Straws or Feathers not to add a Traveller with Rambling Tales and Romances What think ye else of Evander's Character written by himself at the beginning of the Book an inimitable Piece and a Design hardly ever before attempted and that with as much Justice to himself as Diversion to the Reader What say ye Mr. Critick to all the Poetry which shines through every part of it as thick as the Stars in the milky way or the Vertues and Graces of the incomparable Iris Of the admirable and surprizing Novelty of both Matter and Method representing a Book made as it were out of nothing and yet containing every thing the sweetness of the Groves the pleasantness of the Country the purling of Streams and harmony of the Birds and whistling of the Winds and singing of the Cuckoes and Meditations of Evander Then o' t'other side the Grandeur of the City described in a method wholly new of which more anon and all the Rarities therein described the Stateliness of its Palaces the Magnificence of its Churches and the Honesty of its Booksellers which singular Subject richly merits a Volume as big as all Tostatus together But alas is here for want of room wedg'd up into one or two single Chapters though neither the last Book nor this nor their own nor all the Shops nor Walls in London or the World that 's a bold word are either strong enough or large enough or weighty enough to contain it But all this while how will I make profit of what 's only pleasant Why as easily as I make this Book and that before it If Pleasure be the chief Good as some Philosophers perhaps defensively and innocently enough if rightly taken have asserted then whatever is pleasant must undoubtedly contain all other goods under them and among them the profitable ones But not to mount the Argument above the vulgar Readers heads and perhaps my own too 't is plain enough that what 's so pleasant as this must needs be profitable too another way to the Body by chearing the Spirits sweetning the Blood dispelling black melancholy Fumes and making it as brisk as a Prentice just out of his Time a Crack't Tradesman newly Set-up again a jolly young Bridegroom on the Wedding-night or a fair Bride the next morning Then to the Mind what more innocently diverting keeping from a hundred worse Employments at once delighting and profiting and mingling utile dulci so exactly that there sha'nt be a scruple over or under on either side though weighed in Apollo's own Ballance Thus ye see how profitable the Book had been though t 'had been only pleasant But perhaps the grum sort of Readers will find fault with 't for that very cause they must have somewhat sowerer and stiffer to humour their Iackboot-Iudgments something that will bear reading a hundred times over without ever growing thread-bare that may exalt the Judgment improve the Mind and all that This they only call profit and without this it s beneath their supercilious Worships leisure so much as to cast a glance upon 't Well all this they shall have to please the grave Sirs whom by the leave of their Beards we must quarrel with for not acting like themselves condemning what they have never read or not sufficiently reflected on For which reason Kainophilus must be again forced to do violence on his modesty and point to the particular choice Jewels enshrined in this rich Cabinet by which may be easily guess'd how gravely and sagely he could have discours'd from one end to t'other wou'd the World have born it as easily as all Hercules is measur'd by his Foot or the former Fruitfulness of the Holy Land by some precious snips here and there to be found at this day I won't pretend to enumerate here all the sound pieces of good Philosophy Sence and Reason as strong as Love or Mustard which are scatter'd here and there all throughout the foremention'd Work though some such places I 'll direct you to for my own Credit as well as your
Yours to the Antipodes and back agen KAINOPHILUS The Impartial Character OF A Rambler By the Author of the BOOK HE 's a thing wholly consisting of Extreams A Head Fingers and Toes for what his industrious Toes do tread his ready Fingers do write his running Head dictating But to describe him more exactly He is is made up of a large Head and Ears some Brains and most immoderate Tongue Toes and Fingers a very Carrier or Foot-post will draw him from any Company that has not been abroad excepting always his dear Iris for she is ever new meerly because he 's a sort of a Traveller But a Dutch Post ravishes him and the meer Superscription of a Letter thô there 's ne're a Bill in 't from Boston Italy or France sets him up like a Top Colen or Germany makes him spin and without Whipping too there 's the wonder and at seeing the word Vniverse America Flanders or the Holy Land thô but on the Title of a Book he 's ready to break Doublet let fall Breeches in a civil way and overflow the room with all those Wonderments have surpriz'd him in these flourishing Countreys If he has no Latin or Greek he makes it up with abundant scraps of Italian Spanish French and Dutch and thô he has little more knowledge in any of 'em than Comestato Parlez vous or How vare ye Min-heer and can hardly buy a Sallat in one Language or a Herring in t'other yet when he comes home he passes with himself and other like him for a monstrous learned Creature a Native of every Countrey under Heaven whereas indeed he 's a meer Babylonian he confounds all Languages but speaks none and is so careful to jumble together the Gibberish of other Countreys that he almost forgets his own Mother Tongue as the Roman Orator did his Name only the Writing the History of his Travels makes him remember it agen All his Discourse is shap'd into a Traveling Garb and is the same with his Manners and Haviour looking as if 't was contriv'd to make Mourners merry He 's all the strange shapes round the Maps put together one Legg a Hungarian t'other a Pole one piece of him a Turk and the next a Tartar or Moscovâ—â—e but if you look on his Face you 'd swear he 's a Laplander so much has Travelling Wind Sun and Rain discoulour'd it and alter'd it However chast his Body may be his Mind is extreamly prolifick his thoughts are a perfect Seraglio and he like a great Turk begets thousands of little Infants Remarks Fancys Fantasticks Crochets and Whirligigs on his wandring Intellect and when once begot they must be bred so out he turns 'em into the wide World to shift for themselves after he has put a few black and white Raggs about 'em to cover their Nakedness But to look upon 'em when they once get abroad to see how hugely they favour their Father Do but view 'em all over and Here 's that will cure your Corns Gout Chollick and what you please or as the most excellent Saffold 'T will cure every cureable Disease You have heard of the Monkey that cured the Cardinal Undâ—â— the Colledge and break Apothecarys â—Hall as easily as one of their Glasses Thereâ— no Man who for his sake wou'd n't neglect any thing but Business that is to say wou'd not be glad of his Company when he has nothing else to do He 'll asâ— you how you do where you have been what News how is 't if you have Travelled and above all when Publish'd How you like his Rambles han't they a fine Frontispiece Ay a very fine one there 's Art there 's Thought well and then for the Uerses before it I say Coriat's Book was but a Horn-book to 't they no more deserve to be compared together than Pilgrims Progress and Burton's Wonderments and so he would Ramble on to the End of the Chapter did not you out of Civility give him a gentle tweak by the Nose or kick on the Shins and ask him whether he knew what he was talking of Yet as good let him alone for if you get him out of this Impertinency he 'll ramble into a thousand more rather than want the Humanity of vexing you but then such courteous ones they 'll be for he 's the very Pink of Courtesie that ye can't for your Teeth find in your Heart to be angry with him If he chances to be Shipwrackt he can't be angry with the Sea or Winds Nay is rather pleas'd with 'em for giving him opportunity to describe a Storm more lively and tell the World what direful Dangers he escaped when he swum ashore like a Caesar with his Sword in one hand and his Commentaries in t'other He 's averse to nothing that has Motion in 't and for a Lowse he dearly loves such a painful Fellow-Traveller who Rambles over his Microcosm or lesser World as he the greater nibling and sucking here and there whenever he finds any thing agreeable to his Palate He 's generally for Foot service and thinks that much more brave than the Horse scorning to ride upon four Hoofs when Nature has given him ten Toes to support him But if he should be forc'd into such Circumstances by the surbating his Feet he envies those happier Criminals who have their Leggs ty'd under their Horses belly and thinks the most commodious way of riding is with his Face toward the Taâ—l for then he can't see any danger 'till he 's past it Other People are for walking with a Horse in their Hands he 's o' the contrary for riding with his Staff in his Hand or rather Walking with a Horse between his Leggs for his Feet still move at the same rate as if they touch'd the ground and were imployed in their own natural motion What 's other Mens Recreation is his business and yet he makes rather a pleasure of a Toyl than a Toyl of a pleasure for tho' he Ramble with all his might as when he rides every part of him works yet the more pain the more content and the Fatigues he meets with in all give such an odd sort of a pleasure as a Boar has when scrubbing his brawny Back against a Tree or an Irish man scratching where it itches I told you he Rambles with all his might and 't is true enough for he sets his Heart upon 't and there 's not one particle of his Body nor immaterial Snip of his Soul but Rambles as fast as his Legs nay some much faster To begin with his Brains for he has Brains some think they rambled from him in his Infancy and dropping then out of his Nose his Nurse good Woman being feeding him with Pap opportunely caught 'em in the Spoon and because the little Bantling shou'd n't be upbraided for want of 'em when he came to age put 'em in agen with the addition of a little of the gravy of her old gums tho' in the wrong place which he poor Innocent being
meet him agen as oft as you reflect how often those filthy Fellows have bin peeping in ' em well I 'm heartily glad I e're learnt to write if 't were for no other end than thus to paint these grim Fellows to the World in their own Colours and those as stinking ones as they e're made me paint my Breeches with Thus will I them whip strip and quarter Who my poor Buttocks once did martyr Alas that 's not the way to deal with humane Nature there requires a great deal of art to form such tender things as youth I 'm very confident the Reason why we speak no more Latin nor more fluently in England is because these Intendants of School-Masters Dragoon us thus out of our Mother Tongue they use us not like rational Creatures A Dog that is taught to fetch and carry has more sweet words and sewer sowre knocks and blows than we poor Curs generally meet withall which before we can come to tast the sweets of Learning and good Authors sets us against even what ever looks like a Book so that indeed I wonder how I came so much as to trade in ' em Not but that I iustly honour and respect those ingenious men who little other than devote themselves for their Countreys sake to beat Greek and Latin as Oldham wittily calls it and drive Learning if possible into such Block-heads as I was not Who by mild Arts and attempring their Methods to the disposition of the Lads they have to deal with can do more in four years with 'em than others in seven ten or ten hundred The Happiness of those Youth who fall into such hands is more than they are sensible of and 't is confess'd the Reason why so many Tyrants Fools and Dunces who usurp that honourable Employment is because the World has seldom wit enough to give such as are otherwise their due respect and encouragement However 't is happy was I when my Father took me home out of their Purgatory and taught me himself But first I must tell you what were my chiefest Rambles while in their Jurisdiction Two or three I had which were like to be very long ones I being just upon the Tiptoe to see my great Grandfathers One day while at School at Dungrove the place where I now boarded returning home about the time that Sols fiery footed Steeds began to make the Ocean hizz with thrusting their hoofs into 't being attended with all my play-fellows for they honoured me after we had embraced one another for we were civil and taken a kind Farewell which had like to have been our last As I was Rambling home by a stragling River that sneaks through the Town of Latmus and gazing sometimes on the lofty Hills and flowry Dales and sometimes on the stately Swans that did now in Triumph ride in the Sedgâ—s of the meandring Streams I think those Swans were Geese tho' to tell truth and by and by listning to those feather'd people that were warbling out their ravishing Ditties in a sullâ—n Grove and coo and coo unto each others moan Owls Cuckoes Phoenicopters Rooks and Phoenixes why just then all of a sudden before I cou'd say what 's this or knew where I was my Noddle now swimming with a million of Fancies as I alwayes had a very working Brain and I not minding my way in tumbled I into the River hugging the waves so tenderly you can't imagine But not to tell you what Discourse the Water-Nymphs and I had together how they took me down with 'em to their External Palaces and Sea-green dining Rooms all hung with watchet Silk and deckt with Corall and Mother o' Pearl I 'll warr'nt you the cheapest thing amongst it Not to puzzle or Gagg your belief with such odd Accidents this I 'm sure you 'll all credit that when I was under water I was in danger of drownding and had I continued there but one four and twenty hours I had certainly been dead to this day and there had been an end of Kainophilus and all his Rambles but as my better Stars wou'd have it who shou'd lie sleeping just by the water-side but one Mr. I. R. not Iames Rex but another whose Name begins with the same Letters methinks I have him still before my Eyes how he startled when I flounc'd into the Water thinking belike t 'had been some Spaniel Dog or other how after I was under Water he got upon his Breech rubbed his Eyes and lookt about him to see what was the matter for he has told me all the story since and lastly how he saw my Heels capering up like the Handle of a Milk-â—ail when carried away by the stream and catching me hold by the left Leg pull'd me out in spite of half a Tun of water both in my Cloaths and Belly and held me up by the Heels so long till I thought my Guts wou'd have dropt out at my Mouth or at least I should have gone to Stool at the wrong end Nor yet cou'd I find ' i' my heart to be angry with him so grateful is my Nature for thus saving my Life when I was within six Gasps precisely of feeding the Fishes I say precisely for sure I shou'd best know the measure of my own Belly for that must unavoidably have burst with six go-downs more of that uncomfortable Element So there 's an end o' that Ramble Fate held its own and he that is born to dye in his Bed shall ne're be drown'd But alas alas how various are the chances that assail us mortal men how constant is Fate in Inconstancy that Flower I had out of English Parnassus Another sad accident show'd I was Bullet-proof as well as water-Proof for playing with a particle of Lead by Liquefaction and Comprehension upon condensation metamorphiz'd into a globular Form or as I said before a Leaden-bullet not chawing it to shoot any body with on my honour the Pontcullis not being shut down close enough in it rolls at the Gate of my Stomach and stopt all passage of breath it self Now while I was snorting and snufling grunting and groaning When Death in Leaden slumbers hover'd ore My strength decay'd and I cou'd strive no more Then lo a-gentle Maid from Heav'n sent Thrâ—st down up Throat a natural Instrument Call'd her fore-finger and with many a thump Against my groaning back and sounding rump To her much joy and my no little pain Vp with a jerk the Bullet leapt again But think ye this is all no Death has n't yet done wi' me and I was just turning over by an odder whim than either of these For as I was expatiating in Dungrove Fields my Mind and Body rambling alike neither cared or knew whether I out of a Childish wantonness gathered a bearded Ear of Grass or Corn and put it into my Throat thrusting it down so far that when I went to pull it up again being against the grain there it stuck and might have done till 't had
it And what do me I but precisely follow so good and laudable Authority and Example taking my rise at Graffam in order to this Hop-stride-and-Iump round the World This Description of all the World I begin early and intend to prosecute farther than ever any did before me I Begin my Rambles at nothing which I soon make something of and by that time I have done poor Vander will be nothing agen And yet that nothing something too for I 'm no Atheist but yet such a something as is between something and nothing What if I observe some minute passages in the prosecution of my Rambles the more exact still and perfect will the Iournal be and why mayn't I make as great a splutter with my Dialogue with Owls and Cuckoes as grave Authors do of Apollonius's Confabulation with the Sparrows and Oxen since I dare venture one of these Books to a Brass-Farthing one is as true as another Then for the gravity of some passages I wou'd make the same Excuse Osborn does and Cabbage his very words 't is n't the first time perhaps nor wou'd either he or you be ever the wiser in a case of like nature but not having the Book by me at present you must be content with the Quintessence on 't Some People quoth he may very gravely blame me for inserting some such slight Circumstances as these in my History I think that he then mention'd was the colour of Queen Ann's Hair Ay but let 'em consider He goes on so far till he 's out of sight and were Kainophilus to be made a Viscount he can't remember what 's next But will tell you what 's more to the purpose as he was saying before this Work is a fair and lawful Description of A Ramble round the World 'T is true here 's yet but a small part on 't describ'd nor I 'll assure ye have ye any more yet than a small part of this Ramble and yet that small one great enough too if consider'd in it self though but little in regard of the whole World nay all the Universe which as appears from the Frontispiece and Verses before the First Book he threatens to ramble all round every nook and crook on 't before he has done with 't Once more Mr. Kainophilus How comes this to be a Voyage round the World when we never yet met ye so much as in a Sculler crossing the Water You have bin indeed as ye told us before sailing and rowing and tugging by Land when ye â—ot a Horse-back where ye make tempestuous work on 't and your Vessel Reels tâ—rribly But all this is nothing to Sea-service and we never heard of a Voyage by Land since we were Christen'd till ye were pleas'd to bring the word into the World How Evander not understand true English who has been an Author these three and twenty years and cou'd almost read his Criss cross-row in his Mother's Belly Who has so many English Dictionaries in his Study and another in his Head bigger than all together and yet there 's still room to spare both for Brains and Projects Does not he nay now you ruffle his smooth Soul alter his fair Body and discompose him all over If ye go on at this rate with making Objections a Man does not know how to answer for their number I mean not their weight ye shall e'ne write your self and let the World laugh at ye for Evander will be your Fool no longer But not to over-rule this Plea we 'll for once joyn issue and giv 't a fair Answer This Voyage round the World was made in the Ship of Fancy which every one knows like the Cossaks Boats sails as well by Land as Water And now I hope you are satisfied One Objection more I ingeniously raise my self not to put others to the trouble I have pretty frequently mention'd the Famous Bunyan in the past and may perhaps in this present and future Rambles but can assure the World notwithstanding a flurt of Fancy now and then intended it with all the Reverence he deserves But if o't'other side any malicious Person should be displeased with me for quoting such a Tinker of an Author let 'em know I have a topping Example for the same which to vindicate both my self and him shall be here inserted and therewith I intend to close this Chapter See New Observator Vol. 2. Numb 27. ADVERTISEMENT MR. John Bunyan Author of the Pilgrims Progress and many other excellent Bookâ— that have found great acceptance hath left behinâ— him ten Manuscripts prepared by himself for thâ— Press before his Death His Widow is desired to Print them with some other of his Works which have been already printed but are 〈◊〉 present not to be had which will make together a Book of Ten Shillings in Sheets in Folio 〈◊〉 Persons who desire so great and good a Worâ— should be performed with speed are desired to send 〈◊〉 Five Shillings for their first Payment to the Undertaker who is impowred to give Receipts for the same CHAP. II. A word of Reproof to all such as pretend they know the Author of these Rambles SO great a Glory do I esteem it to be the Author of these Works that I cannot without great injury to my self and Justice endure that any shou'd own 'em who have nothing to do with 'em like the Fellow at Rome who pretended to Virgil's Verses But I need take no other way to confute these Plagiaries than Virgil himself did requiring the Tally to his Vos non vobis Let any Man write on at the rate this is already written and I 'll grant he is the Author of this Book that before and all the rest to the end of the Chapter No there is such a sort of a whim in the style something so like my self so Incomprehensible not because 't is Non-sense that whoever throws but half an Eye on that and me together will swear 't was spit out of the moth of Kainophilus This by the bye But 't is not the main business of this Chapter to assert what few will be so impudent to deny and what I could give Demonstration of by letting 'em see me write these very words which they read here and subscribing under it Yours Yours Yours in ten thousand Obligations of Love and Service Kainophilus Vander. The main work in hand is what the Contents explains in Short-hand To rebuke those at least over-bold Persons who pretend to know who this Kainophilus is and that better than I my self do which seems a very hard case in my simple Judgment Comes ye one grave and good Man to me I beg your Pardon 't was but a slip to a Friend of mine and thus accosts him Are n't you asham'd Mr. thus to expose your self and your Friends to all the World Why have you no sense of Honour in ye to write such a confounded silly Book as this of your self ay of your self there 's the Jest on 't I protest I 've
able to subsist without a sort of Order and Government among ' em They are indeed as perfect a Corporation as any Company in England and use as much Method in the sending out Parties this scowring one Street and the other another none interloping on the Province or Walk as they call it that does not belong to ' em So that the Thief-catchers either the Marshal's Man or others whose business 't is has 'em at what Command he pleases sends for the Heads of 'em and for a Summ of Money recovers your Watch Sword or Guinea as oft as you please to lose'em To this degree of Wickedness was this unhappy undone young Man now risen and had as was thought but one step now between that and the Gallows but by good Fortune for him he came to a more honourable end and Justice overtook him without the help of the Hangman for it chancing that two Gentlemen quarrell'd in Fleet-street and drew upon one another he coming by officiously pretended to part the Fray and running between the fierce Combatants seiz'd one of 'em in his Arms while another of his Companions prepared to pick his Pocket But the other Gentleman whether out of rage that he cou'd not come at his Adversary so resolving to reach him thro the other or by a mistake made a fatal pass and ran poor Pick-pocket thro the Back that he fell down dead with an Oath in his Mouth and never spoke word after CHAP. VII The Chapter of the Booksellers STAND not a Foot further at the hazard of your Ears and well if you come off so Evander make your self ridiculous as long as you please but let us alone you were best 〈◊〉 Or What Sir What mean you Sir What wou'd you be at Sir don 't you know as well as I and every body else that has seen or â—heard of me that Evander ne're saw fear but in the face of an Enemy Or Sir steps in a desperate Hyper-Gorgonick Mortal who lives not above one Semidiâ—meter of the Earth from Westminster-Hall Or I 'le cut your Throat I 'le shoot ye in the Head I 'le pash out your Brains with the heel of my Shoe hold there I 'le rip out your great and small Guts and make Tripes and Fiddle-strings of 'em and after I have done all this Beat ye till you 'r as black as a Raven Umph truly that 's very hard to a man that endeavours to get an honest Livelihood in the way of his Trade and hurts no body What is 't this young Man has done certainly he has been truanting a little or has been formerly Petticoatized that he 's so desperately afraid of the Lash Had he been one of the naughty Youths of the Town that sit all the Day between the Comb and the Glass that dress as it were in Print only to have the Ladies say Look what a delicate Shape and Foot that Gentleman has had he not been a careful industrious studious sober honest Man who makes it his business to keep his Shop oblige his Customers nay rather than be idle or gad abroad turning his Books and dusting his Shelves then there might have been some reason for his Apprehension But alas all the World knows him a great Trader both in London and the Country a grave staid facetious Person never out of temper or humour discreet to a Miracle uncapable of being affronted or scandaliz'd so fair is his Name and so sweet his Disposition And this Character he had had if he cou'd have staid for 't without all this trouble but has by this strange and unwonted fit of passion ten to one but he had been in Company before and no man alive is always the same so discomposed my Thoughts as well as his own that all the design'd Method is overturn'd and instead of a formal orderly Visit intended to the principal Booksellers the Glory of Trade and of London must now be forc'd to take 'em higgledy-piggledy and so lose a great many of 'em that Fame and Immortality designd 'em for which irreparable Loss they may blame this young Man's intempestive rashness not our unjust Partiality 'T was the intention of Kainophilus as he has before recommended to the raw unexperienc'd Apprentice the necessary Accomplishments of Religion Temperance and Fidelity by showing the Mischiefs and Dangers of the contrary Vices so to have proceeded on the next Virtue as necessary very near to the happiness of a young Man as any of the other namely Industry And as he had recommended the past Virtues by showing the ill face of their contraries he wou'd havâ— endeavour'd to have demonstrated this by its own Light and that with no disadvantage in the Example of Evander The Scene I had laid to reduce this into action was the City of London the Dress and Form in which I appear'd thereon most convenient for Expedition accouter'd like the Boys that run with the Gazet my Hat under my Arm my Note in my Hand and I almost breathless tripping it through the Streets like a Roe-buck and calling in at all the Booksellers and giving you a little touch of their vertuous Qualities for the Proverb is sufficient Evidence tho' there 's Knavery in all Trades else we have none in ours tho' there may perhaps be a little Foolery now and then of which some may think these Books an Instance but some wiser than some and those think otherwise However whether they do or no I must mind my business and what it is squint back to the Frontispiece and there you 'll find it Globe the V. Where he vamps about Town for Caesar and Strada The Horn-book Morocco Iohn Bunyan Granada I ask your Pardon once more dear Reader I feel I have Rambled away from the Booksellers and faln among the Books agen but they 're so near kin you 'll easily pardon it and I make no question the Booksellers wou'd entirely forgive me shou'd I forget 'em altogether However I take 'em all to witness against this dogrel-Dogrel-writer in ordinary who insinuates in his roguy Rhymes as if I was employ'd in nothing but Godly Books Plays and Horn-Books whereas I appeal to all you that know me whether I han't very often been at your Shops both for Quarto's and Folio's and sometimes lugg'd home some reverend Commentator that was like to break my Back before I got thither Not but that as I told you before I profess as deep a Respect and Veneration for the worthy Mr. Bunyan as the very Man that prints him and the truth is that devout Author has always had the good Fortune to fall into the hands of as religious Booksellers The lewd World 't is true will scoff and jeer but who can help it if we are safe in our own Integrity and can so easily despise ' em Thus were my dear Friend and Name-sake Iohn yet living shou'd I hear any ugly Stories or Rhymes of him as one very scandalous one I with detestation remember In Cases of
Conscience so far he has gon Resolving of others he has quite lost his own Abominable but I say in such a Case thus wou'd I endeavour to comfort him were there any need on 't Truly dear Brother The World has thought Evander is a Man endow'd with some Sense yea and that above his Neighbours but if I am a proper Judge in this Case I protest on the word of a Rambler I had many fine things more to hold forth on this Subject but I know not how it comes to pass on the sudden they are all lost agen like Friends in a Crowd I am just in the same Condition with that forecited Great Person when he cou'd n't tell what was next in his Sermon my Head is as it were in a Pudding-bag and I han't a word more to say tho 't were to get it out agen What a noise here has been about one poor Author what shall we then do when we meet with 'em in the next Chapter all together Sure all Bedlam wou'd scarce hold ' em And now I am about Godly Books commend me to Dunton's Blessed Martyrs which I remember among other things I had once upon my Note I shall never forget that Remarkable Person tho I were to live as long as his Raven I had the Honour that time to see and discourâ—e with him and I confess the World is in the right that he 's something like that Evander which makes such a splutter in 't but I'am still of the same mind I was before they can never prove I am he So much however I 'll acknowledge That there is a great Intimacy and Acquaintance between us offer'd I must own first on his part tho mine the Advantage and Honour the Reason I can't guess unless that by his Skill in Physiognomy he knew I shou'd live to be a famed Author and therefore was willing to oblige me that he might afterwards have some good Copies from me However I must give him such a Character as he deserves and indeed as a near and dear Friend of his gave me under his own Hand-writing He is a Man so and so thus and thus neither full so high as the monumental Irish-man nor quite as humble as that Modicum of Mortality that walks about with him whom they who know no better think his next Neighbour I am to give him no Character that shall make him blush nor believe I can so punctual is he in all his Dealings however to avoid it will say not one Word more besides what I find in my Notes of that day's Transactions He 's famous for one thing That he 's generous to a Miracle has a swinging Soul of his own and wou'd part with all he has to serve a Friend and that 's enough for one Bookseller Tempora mutantur that 's no News but that Things shou'd change at such an odd rate wou'd be very wonderful did not we see a thousand Examples on 't every day and one of the strangest I know is in the Sign and other Appurtenances of this said Shop That ever a beautiful Angel with a delicate gilt Turkey-leather Bible into the bargain should in a few years be thus chang'd translated and transmogriphy'd into a thing as black as a Bugbear an ill-boding ill-sounding ill-looking Raven I have often wonder'd why the Party aforesaid shou'd chuse this Sign above all the rest and can imagine none but this following which lies somewhat out of the way of common Reading and Observation The Banner of the Danes or rather their Standard Royal had a Raven curiously wrought in 't as the Romans an Eagle The reason probably by the jetty Blackness thereof as a sort of a Foil to set off the natural whiteness of their own Skins the Danes being generally as all men know very fair-hair'd Fair-complexion'd Men And who knows but this Author having some where or other met with this Story hung up the Raven for his Sign upon the same reason But to come from the Sign to the Shop What difference There was formerly a very Spark liv'd in 't the young the wild the witty the gay and all that who was forc'd to march off for the famous Sham-Riot at Guild-Hall being actually concern'd in looking down from a Balcony and bewitching the poor Loyal Party at such a rate that hundreds of 'em cou'd n't speak a word for a week after See but what a Rambling Fate some Men have then he turn'd a Man of War so did not his peaceable Successor nor the as peaceful Evander both of which I am confident had rather have their Bodies quietly eaten by Worms than torn to pieces in Foreign Nations by howling Wolves or rapacious Vultures Well now my hands in I 'll on a little further and would fain call a little o' t'other side o' the way at one whose Conscience is streighter than his Sign but he 's so up to the Ears among great Persons and Business perhaps engaging for a 3d. Volume that I 'll not venture on him only your humble Servant Mr. a curious Shop this well built lightsom high well furnisht well if ever he quits it I 'll step in after him as has been done by others a hundred times over I 'd Ramble on as far as Cornhil were 't not for fear of being gored by one of Four Creeds but Oldham's dead and so there 's the less danger Among other April Errands the wise Author of the Poem sent me a Play-catching instancing in the Empress of Morocco and the Conquest of Granada A most abominable work that ever he should offer to desile my Fingers with meddling with a Play 'T is a Monkey-trick let me tell him to make use of poor Puss's Paw to scratch out the Chessnuts which he himself eats He never heard I warn't ye of the Devil that carry'd away a whole shoulder of a Play-house on his Back as easily as a Fox trusses a Goose. The sage Evander in vain rebuk'd him and ask'd the meaning on 't All I could get out of him was his Judgment of Plays in general which word for word I 'll insert as follows Moral Representations in themselves can never be unlawful may be very useful To see Vice represented like it self deform'd and odious though high and prosperous and at last thrown down and trampled by those who envy'd and admir'd it To see Vertue in its own Face all charming and lovely brave tho' unfortunate prest all round and wading through all and at last enthron'd prosperous and triumphant What can more tend to the advancement of one and depression of the other with those especially who are led by Sence more than Reason though this admits both The many of the present Plays 't is acknowledg'd generally take the quite contrary course especially the Comedies the best of which that I have seen take more care to express the Humours of the Countrey Vices and all than to amend 'em and these they dress in the loveliest colours of Wit and
liv'd in Loudon a Sect of persons pretending to perfection and perpetual Virginity all their Love being Angelick without the least mixture of Matter tho betwixt different Sexes every one having their particular Friend Thus things continu'd for some Months they admiring their own Purity and Sanctity above all Mankind when behold unluckily several of the Virgins began to burnish and thrive amain and at the usual time to the amazement of all the Society this their pure Friendsh sent several living Babes into the World After which they were forc'd to drop their Principles and be content with matrimonial Purity instead of that virginal one to which they at first pretended Love is the Greensickness in men it makes 'em stark mad for Toys and Trifles as Women are for Playster and Oatmeal Now you know what Love is I 'll tell you what 't was I lov'd She was indeed a Non-parel a She-Phoenix a half-Iris a Match for Evander Admir'd Mrs. Rachel thou Paragon of Beauty and Virtue Roses Stars â—allys Pinks Rubies Pearls and Violets nay more to make use of Similies at that time nearer to the purpose and more upon my Heart Rost-beef Mine'd-pies Gammon of Bacon Bottl'd-ale Foot-ball and Cricket-play For thy dear sake I cou'd neither eat Rost-beef mawl Minc'd-pies guzzle Plumb-porridge take the Ball a Hand-kick as high as Bow-steeple Balcony nor play at Cricket any more than a Trap-stick I lookt like a Mome a meer Ninny as I may say in Modesty and dared not so much as squint in the â—lasses as I went by the Cabinet-makers in Cheapside lest I shou'd discover a pair of Ears starting out of my Head two or three handfuls beyond the Standard and then out of indignation fall a breaking the Glasses and have ten pounds to pay for my Afternoons Ramble The truth is most of her Rubies and Pearls were those of her Teeth and Lips and she wore more sparkling Diamonds in her Eyes than either on her Fingers or in her Cabinet Her Estate I must confess was somewhat like a Mole-hill on the Globe of the Earth like Great Brittain in the Map when the Grand-Signior clapt his Thumb upon 't or all that Grecian's vast Estate and spacious Demeans which fill'd not so much as one single Line in the Description of the Globe In a word had she much or had she little I admir'd her I ador'd her I rav'd stamp'd storm'd fretted fumed foamed and wanted nothing but a Chain a Grate and a Truss of Straw to have made me as mad as any in Bedlam Ah! thought I with my self wou'd this dear Creature but love me I shou'd be as good a man as my Master a happier person than King Caesar and as magnificent as Heliogabalus no I shou'd never cease loving her or love her less 't is impossible had I her I shou'd not be content tho I went a begging with a wooden Dish and Leg and not feast tho I eat nothing but Sparibles and Pebble-stones Then wou'd I fall a rhyming for that 's the infallible Token of a true Stanch Fallback-fall-edge-Lover I robb'd all Sternhold and Hopkins of their Flowers and made Posies like any Firz-bushes not for their roughness but sweetness and largeness some of which here follow O Rachel dear attend and hear The words that I do say My plaints eke heed so mayst thou speed For ever and for ay My Heart is broke by Love's fell stroke My head also likewise I will maintain that I am slain By thy dead-doing Eyes Then put thy fist if that thou list Out of thy poke so kind And when I 'm dead pull off my Head Or I will look thee blind Now you steer and snicker Mr. Reader because to show the Sweepingness of my Genius I condescend to this humble sort of Poetry I 'll have you to know this was one of my first Essays but like one truly inspir'd as if I had undoubtedly wash'd my Lips in the Caballine Fount I immediately mounted to the very top of Parnassus grew a meer Adept in a twinkling and was most intimately acquainted with all the Sylphs and Gnomes call'd by the Ancients Nymphs and Demi-gods and Muses who taught me the true galloping Pindarick in which as if Pindars Soul had crept into Evander not Horace he thus fell a courting his Mistress tho in their way forgetting what he 's about rambles to a Tale of a Cock and a Bull and scarce says one word of her In imitation of Horace Book 2. Ode 20. NON usitatâ nec temui ferar Penna No Sternholds or Hopkinsian strain My buskin'd Muse Henceforth will use We such low thoughts disdain Biformis per liquidum aethera Vates A Bookseller and Poet too Nor Earth nor Heaven such wonders saw before Nor shall do more Tho strange 't is true Neque in terris morabor Longius invidiaque major Vrbes relinquam What shall I longer stay below Vngrateful London what wilt thou prepare What offers to detain me there If that e'nt fair hang fair E're I from thee and Envy go Non ego pauperum Sanguis parentum non ego quem vocas Dilecte Mecenas Obibo Nec Stygiâ cohibebor undâ Mistake me not I 'm now no more That Rambling poor Foot-post I was before Not that dark Wight that nameless Man His Father call'd dear John with his dear Nan Nor think I 'll still keep trotting here To Paul's Church-yard or th' Auctioneer Nor will I wade the Kennels thro' And spoil new Hose and handsom Shoe Jamjam residunt cruribus asperae Pelles album mutor in alitem Superne nascunturque leves Per digitos humerosque Plumae Tentoes farewel I 'm chang'd into a Fowl Some call a Goose but most an Owl I feel I rising feel from Rump to Crown My harsh black Hair melt to soft snowy Down And I have Goose-Quils of my own Then I rambled from Horace My Body a pick-pack on my Soul Rambles to view the spangl'd Pole Rambles a-round to search my Dear Vnwearied Walks from Sphere to Sphere Knocks at each door and asks Is Rachel here With Legs for Oars th' aetherial Waves I plough My Wings spread wide the Sails unfurl'd Now now just now I scamper away through the Fields of the Air to the End of the World There 's Flame there 's Salt Air and Spirits and all the four Elements together Show me such another Translation Application Improvement and all that and I 'll sell you my Skull to make a Close-stool of and use it as the King of the Lombards did for a Cawdle-Cup after you have done with'â— And then for Prose-Love I believe I went as far as any Man stabbing dying groaning hanging I made nothing of 't was my daily Employment and Recreation and I cou'd at last eat Knives or Rats bane as fast as a Jugler I grew careless toward any thing else I could neither see hear taste smell nor understand any thing in the world but what related to my charming Rachelia as I
shalt thou eat thy bread Solomon's Princess eats not the bread of idleness St. Paul laboured The High-Priests among the Iews had and the Great Mogul at this time hath a Trade at which as I heard in Leiden he is to labour every day And you may take notice that she is set out to us as skill'd in Cookery whose Brother was Solomon in all his glory Shall we eat and not work Shall we yawn away our precious hours Shall we think with the Lillies which neither spin nor labour our cloaths will grow upon us Alas Idleness is the Mother of all Mischief St. Austin says That he that is employed is tempted with one Devil but he that is Idle with a thousand I heard whilst I was in Holland of so great a Sluggard that as 't was said he never saw the Sun rising or setting in his whole life but would usually tell it for News at Noon that the Sun was up I remember I have read in an Italian History of one so Idle that he was fain to have one to help him to stir his Chaps when he should eat his Meat Such is the vileness of the Age we live in that Idleness is counted an Ornament and the greatest gentility is to do nothing whereas 't is Action only that is noble and not only the Celestial Bodies are in continual motion but he that is most high is Purissimus actus and besides the Contemplation of his own Goodness is ever at work in Acts of Providence and government of his Creatures 'T is Action that does keep the Soul both sweet and sound There is a kind of good Angel waiting upon diligence that ever carries a Lawrel in his Hand to Crown her The bosom'd Fist beckons the approach of Poverty but the lifted Arm does frighten Want How unworthy was that Man to live in the World of whom it was said He ne're did ought but only liv'd and dy'd Diligence and Moderation doubtless are the best steps to mount up to Preferment A Man is neither good nor wise nor rich at once yet softly creeping up those hills he shall every day better his Prospect till at last he gains the Top. A poor Man in Boston once found the Tag of a Point and put it in the lap of his Shirt One ask'd him what he could do with it He answers What I find all the year though it be never so little I lay it up at home till the years end and with all together I every New-years-day add a Dish to my Cup-board He that has the Patience to attend small Profits usually grows a great Man Polemon ready to die would needs be laid in his Grave alive and seeing the Sun shine he calls his Friends in haste to hide him lest as he said it should see him lying Seneca wou'd have a Man do something though it be to no purpose The Turks enjoyn all Men of what degree soever to be of some Trade The Grand Signior himself is not excus'd Mahomet the Turk he that Conquer'd Greece at the very time when he heard Embassadors did either Carve or Cut wooden Spoons or Frame something upon a Table This present Sultan makes Notches for Bows Cunus the Noble Roman was sound by the Fire-side seething of Turnips when the Samnite Embassador came for Audience Iulian the Emperor was ashamed any Man should see him Spit or Sweat because he thought continual labour should have concocted and dried up all such Superfluities Artaxerxes made Hafts for Knives Bias made Lanthorns Homer sung Ballads Aristotle was a Corn-cutter and Domitian the Emperour having no Rambles to write spent his time in killing Flies with a Bodkin Nicias the Painter was often so intent on his Trade as to forget Food and omit the reception of Nature's support Alexander never slept save with his Arm stretcht out of the Bed holding in his Hand a Silver Ball having a Silver Bason by his Bed-side that lest he slept too securely the falling of the Ball might awake him to Battle But why should I multiply Examples of this kind seeing here are enough to convince the Lazy how glorious a Vertue Diligence is and to authorize my Practice in writing my own Life and Travels seeing Emperors Kings and Nobles have employed their time on as trivial Subjects Montaigne says That nothing can be so absurdly said that has not been said before by some of the Philosophers And I am the more willing to expose my Whimsies to the Publick forasmuch as though they are spun out of my self and without any Pattern I know they will be found related to some ancient humour and some will not stick to say See whence he took it 'T is true I cannot deny but in this Book there are many things that may perhaps one day have bin made known to me by other Writers but if they have I have utterly forgot by whom But say they were all Collections Is the Honey the worse because the Bee sucks it out of many Flowers Or is the Spider's Web the more to be prais'd because it is extracted out of her own Bowels Wilt thou say the Taylor did not make the Garment because the Cloth it was made of was weav'd by the Weaver Therefore let no body insist upon the Matter I write but my Method in writing If I have borrowed any thing let them observe in what I borrow if I have known how to chuse what is proper to raise or relieve the Invention which is always my own for if I steal from others 't is that they may say for me what either for want of Language or want of Sence I cannot my self express 'T is true I have always an Idea in my Soul which presents me a better form than what I have in this Book made use of but I cannot catch it nor fit it to my purpose I can neither please nor delight my self much less ravish any one The best Story in the World would be spoyl'd by my handling If therefore I transplant any of others Notions into my own soil and confound them among my own I purposely conceal the Author to awe the temerity of those precipitous Censures that fall upon all sorts of Writings I will have my Reader wound Plutarch through my sides and rail against Seneca when they think they rail at me I must shelter my own weakness under these great Reputations But though there is nothing in this Book I have cudgel'd my Brains about yet I must confess during my ' Prenticeship I was a kind of Persecutor of Nature and would fain then have chang'd the dull Lead of my Brain into finer Mettal And to speak the truâ—h I have ever had a strange hankering after Learning but to atchieve it Nature was too kind to me she hope me to nothing but Patience and a Body yet what I have I usually have perfect for I read it so long before I can understand it that I get it without book 'T is confest I am a