had done enough and enough my heart being farre from God and not once assaying to come neere vnto him Here I would aske a question of the common sort of people young and old I would aske you for no harme Is not this your religion I meane to say your praiers to heare seruice I will not put in to say seruice without any special stirring of your heart not actually minding that you are in talke with God nor so affected as they who perceiue themselues to be so neere vnto euen before the face of that Almightie King who is terrible vnto the Kings of the earth they are his seruiters I take that blessed God to witnesse against my soule if I speake vncharitably or idlely I am perswaded that I haue good reason to feare that a great many of you haue little religion in your hearts but content your selues with saying and hearing and some outward ceremonies Then I can tell you what religion is the fittest for you Euen that which you call the old religion for that wil so furnish you with outward workes and ceremonies that you shall not dreame of medling with your heart You see the deuoutest of them can swallowe downe into their soules lying forswearing murther and treason They make no bones of such matters And why Because the ceremonie-law of Rome serueth their turne I speake vpon my conscience for the glorie of my Lord God and for the good of my countrey It pleased God that specially by the meanes of M. William Olney of Tachbrooke neere Warwicke who tooke me from my poore parents I was in some sort continued at schoole About foureteene or fifteene yeares of age I fell into acquaintance with diuerse that fauoured the Popes religion among whom one lent me a booke thus intituled A defence of the censure giuen vpon two bookes of William Charke and Meredith Hanmer ministers which they wrote against M. Edmund Campian priest of the societie of Iesus and against his offer of disputation This little booke beeing one of the most dangerous bookes that euer I read for they bee little ones that either doe good or harme vnto the greatest number of people did thoroughly distast me with the Protestant-religion before religion was in mine heart A principall case of my distast was the many euill reports which with great pretence of truth it signifieth touching the liues of Luther Caluin and Beza bringing in this reason withall that the authors and beginners of an extraordinary reformation in the Church of God should at the least be ordinarie honest men in life and conuersation which those men were not if that booke be true Here I humbly entreat all people to take knowledge of two things which I haue found true by experience First it is not safe for a man to betake himselfe to this or that side in controuersie of religion vntill his heart and life bee setled in some vprightnesse of obedience vnto God Can a man iudge of colours before he bee borne No. Then how can a man rightly discerne the truth in questions touching the mysterie or secret of godlines he not beeing renewed by the spirit of God Although he haue great learning or depēd vpon the iudgement of great learned men yet Sathan the deuill will haue an hand in him because they which doe not conscionably obey God are subiect to be wrought vpon by him Eph. 2.2 The second thing that I would desire you to take knowledge of is this When a man is well assured that he is entred into a conscionable course of obeying the commandements of God which is the practise of repentance to settle his iudgement touching this or that controuersie in religion hee must not bee lead by the sermons or books or liues of men but principally hee must apply himselfe vnto the grounds of his faith which are two God and Gods word How shall he apply himselfe vnto God By verie often humble and earnest prayer that he will vouchsafe for Iesus Christs sake to giue him the spirit of reuelation the inlightening of minde to perceiue the holy truth S. Paul telleth vs plainly that the secrets of God cannot be rightly known but by the spirit of God 1. Cor. 2.10.11 And our Lord Iesus hath giuen vs this assurance that if we doe earnestly pray vnto God for the holy Ghost hee will giue him vnto vs Luk. 11.5 6 7 8 c. How shall a man apply himselfe to the word of God In following the example of the Iewes that dwelt at Berea who when S. Paul preached vnto them receiued the word with all readinesse But how They searched the Scriptures dayly whether those things which S. Paul deliuered vnto them were so as he said yea or no Act. 17.11 And for your encouragement see what followed Act. 16.12 Therefore many of them beleeued If any say hee cannot vnderstand the word of God I answer he may bee sorrie and ashamed to say so for to what end hath God giuen his word but to be vnderstood euen of very simple folke for of all the books in the world there is none that hath more plainenesse in it then the booke of God hath Many fine schollers haue no minde to reade Gods word because it is so plaine It is certainely one of the maine drifts of Sathan the deuill to make people beleeue that Gods word is hard to bee vnderstood because he would not haue them to vnderstand it for he knoweth that nothing in all the world is so great an hinderance vnto him as Gods word beeing vnderstood Now I will goe forward in my confession I went first to Oxford and then to Cambridge At Oxford I was in Gloster Hall about foure yeares first and last at Cambridge I was in Emanuel Colledge not so long but to that Colledge I am singularly bound Afterward I tooke vpon me to be a schoolemaster and then entred into the ministerie in the yeare of our Lord one thousand fiue hundred nintie and sixe The next yeare after vpon the commendation of diuerse reuerend Ministers in Kent namely my fatherly friend Doctor Milborne of Seuenoke M. Bust of Penshurst M. Deiose of Chiddingstone M. Smith of Chelfield I obtained of Archbishop Whitegift a generall licence to preach I haue beene a minister eighteene yeares and so much more as since the sixeteenth day of May last for as vpon that day Doctor Young Bishop of Rochester gaue mee orders at Bromeley in Kent All this while vntill this verie yeare one thousand sixe hundred and foureteen my heart continued in that inward behauiour wherwith it was first possessed in my childhood Now let me goe backe againe and make report how the Father of mercie hath striuen with me from my youth yea and nowe in good and comfortable measure blessed be his name vanquished the setled wickednesse of mine heart Euer since I had any vnderstanding of Gods will something hath been working vpon my mind perswading me very earnestly to forsake sinne and wholly to submit my selfe
HALLELV-IAH Praise yee the Lord FOR THE VNBVRTHENING of a loaden Conscience By his grace in Iesus Christ vouchsafed vnto the worst sinner of all the whole world I Come and heare all yee that feare God and I will tell you what hee hath done for my soule O magnifie his Name with mee and let vs exalt his Name together Printed by CANTRELL LEGGE Printer to the Vniuersitie of Cambridge 1618. And are to be sold by MATTHEVV LAVV in Pauls Church-yard at the signe of the Foxe THE DEDICATION ⧠To the right high and mightie Prince and most valiant Conquerour IESVS CHRIST God and man crucified My most gracious good Lord Sauiour and Master THou art gone vp on high thou hast lead captiuitie captiue thou hast receiued gifts for men yea for the rebellious also that the Lord God might dwell among them I will praise thee O Lord my God with all my heart and will glorifie thy name for euermore For great is thy mercy towards me and thou hast deliuered my soule from the lowest hell Let the speaking of my mouth the writing of mine hand and the thinking of mine heart be pleasing in thy sight O Lord my strength and my Redeemer Amen Amen ⧠To those learned men which in Cambridge haue authoritie to iudge of bookes before they be there imprinted REuerend Masters my dutie premised I humbly pray you to giue way vnto the glorifying of the grace of God in Iesus Christ as you will answer vnto his glorious maiestie when he shall call you to giue account of that your office Thus beseeching God to blesse you and that noble Nurcery of Christianity with all aboundance of knowledge and holinesse I rest At your correction in the Lord Iesus RICHARD KILBY THE VNBVRTHEning of a loaden Conscience WHosoeuer you are that shall purpose to read or heare any part of this booke I beseech you that of your charitie you will grant vnto me these two requests First to beleeue that I in making and putting foorth this booke intended the glorie of my Sauiour the good of Christened people and the hurt of no creature Secondly to shew such fauour compassion and patience towards mee as you your selfe towards your selfe expect from the Lord Iesus Now I beginne IT pleased the good Lord God to vnburthen my conscience by repentance and beleefe in Iesus Christ whereunto with verie much adoe I was brought by the knowledge of Gods word and the consideration of mine owne verie miserable and most dangerous state Among those parts of the holy Bible which God made me in some measure to vnderstand I had speciall vse of his tenne Commandements and therewith also of the first verse of the 20. chap. of Exodus as here it followeth Exo. 20.1 And c. This first word hath respect vnto some things mentioned in the chapter next before specially the Lords comming downe from heauen vnto the top of mount Sinai in fire and the comming of the Israelites out of their campe beeing brought forth by Moses to meet with God Touching the comming forth of the people I find that they were first prepared by cleansing themselues and washing their clothes secondly limited that they should not come too neere vnto the hill thirdly presented and set before the face of God by Moses Hereby I learne that whensoeuer I am to reade or heare Gods word to pray or to sing vnto him I must first prepare my selfe by putting away all euill thoughts and naughty affections secondly I must be very humble auoiding all presumption thirdly I must present my selfe before the maiestie of God in the name of Iesus Christ euen as if hee tooke mee by the hand and brought me into the presence of his Father The neglecting of these three necessarie points I know by mine owne experience is verie dangerous for the doing of holy seruices with an vnreuerent heart is a readie way to make a partie most vncapable of Gods grace because the custome of abusing the meanes of saluation doth not onely prouoke the Lord vnto great indignation but also hardeneth the heart and bringeth it to that passe that without some extraordinarie meanes it cannot be effectually wrought vpon And God c. God is the first beginning as of all good so specially of religion therefore he that will be religious must first and foremost steadfastly beleeue that there is a God Heb. 11.6 And God spake c. The second ground or beginning of religion is the word and speech of God which holy men by his direction and appointment did write in the books of the olde and new Testament It is a speciall fauour of God to make his word knowne vnto any man woman or child because the propertie of it is to make vs wise and holy fit for euerlasting blisse in heauen 2. Tim. 3.15.16 Whereas our Sauiour Christ made his Apostles Ministers of his word and gaue them commission to ordaine others and those also to ordaine others from time to time vntill the worlds ende is a question how the Ministers of the now publikely allowed Church of England can prooue their calling from Christ by the Apostles c. seeing that the now church of Rome is between them and the Apostles time I will breifly declare my setled beleefe in this point by way of comparison A certaine noble man did by his will appoint that a great part of his goods should be employed to such and such good vses so and so vntill the worlds end for the performance of this he did chuse certaine feoffers of trust giuing order that they should choose others and those others from age to age The first feoffers had in their time very much adoe to keepe the noble mans will from beeing wronged Many hundred yeares after that it came to passe that some beeing orderly chosen feoffers were fully perswaded that in many things the wil was wronged Hereupon they claimed reformation but others resisted them yea and pursued them to the death killing diuerse of them Those which escaped the hands of their aduersaries continued their claime of reformation and made choise of others to succeede them in their office These be the ministers of the Church of England If an honest man were asked what is in this case to be done he would say the written will is to be stood vpon and to be made knowne The Bible is that wil which the Romane feoffers haue no mind to make known nor can endure the publishing thereof in vulgar languages that all people might heare it read in their Churches alleadging this reason that as they iudge if common people had Gods word in their owne tongue they would rather take hurt then good by it To my silly vnderstanding this is a very strange reason Of all other books is Gods booke so dangerous Then why did the Lord giue his word the old Testament vnto his beloued nation the Israelites in their owne tongue yea and lay such charge vpon them to read it and to heare it
What was the reason that when a woman said vnto Christ Luk. 11.27 Blessed is the wombe that bare thee and the pappes which thou hast sucked I say what was the reason that our Lord made her this answer 28. Yea rather blessed are they that heare the word of God and keepe it I say againe why did he say so if it be better for people not to heare then to heare Gods word By the way bee it remembred that the Sonne of God saith It is a blessednes to heare Gods word and the Pope who taketh vpon him to be the deputie of the sonne of God he saith it is not a blessednes he forbiddeth it If any vnderstanding conscionable Romane catholike were betweene God and his owne soule to tell what he thinketh to be the maine cause why the Pope doth not allow Gods word to be commonly bought and sold in Italie Spaine c. and so to bee read in churches my conscience giueth me that he would say thus It is very likely that thereby many would bee drawne from his obedience and many things which are nowe in great request among the people should then bee despised As surely as the Lord God liueth I take this to be the main cause A great number of things in that religion could by no means stand if the book of God were commonly to bee had in the peoples owne language Therefore they are not suffered to heare God speake I appeale to the conscience of euery man whether it be likly that those things which are of God shall bee put out of request by the word of God It is not likely it is quite contrary I doe most humblie intreat all English men and women I entreat them in the sight of our Lord Iesus Christ that they will forbeare to beleeue the Romane religion vntill it haue Gods word and church-seruice read and said in peoples owne languages When you come to publike seruice call it masse or what you will are you not of the company that there ought to ioine in praier vnto God why then is not your prayer in your owne tongue why is it in Latine Let any man answer as I aske the question in the feare of God what reason is there that people should pray or ioine with any praying in a language which they vnderstand not Is it not much to be feared that Satan the Prince of darkenes hath a strong hand in this to keep poore people in blindnesse and ignorance I haue vpon my conscience and in charity without any thought of personall reproch vnto any one made bold to say thus much If any in zeale of that religion haue a minde to say so much yea tenne times so much to mee let him speake in the feare of God and in charitie and spare not Or if he list to flie vpon me with words of choller I will ioyne with him to say much more against my selfe then he can and yet leaue him to iudge himselfe without me When I am minded to reade any part of Gods booke I must kneele downe before the face of God and pray thus O most gracious and merciful Lord God thou hast of thy great goodnesse vouchsafed to giue vnto me thine holy Bible which is able to make me wise vnto saluation I do humbly thanke thee for it and heartily I beseech thy blessed Maiestie to giue me the grace that I may feruently reade it rightly vnderstand it and diligenty marke it thorough Iesus Christ thine onely Sonne my Lord and Sauiour Amen Besides the meanes and helpes to vnderstand the Scriptures as the proportion of Religion contained in the creed and commandements the circumstances of each seueral place and the comparing of one place with other places reading of expositions and hearing other mens iudgements our Sauiour giueth a very notable direction for the attainement of speciall aide from the spirit of God and it is a ready way for a man to come to the knowledge of the truth touching any necessarie point in controuersie And this it is To the Iewes doubting whether Christs doctrin were of God yea or no hee said If any man will doe the will of God he shall knowe of the doctrine whether it bee of God or whether I speake of my selfe Ioh. 7.17 The conscionable practise of those duties which are very plainely set downe in Gods word will in and through Iesus Christ be a meanes to procure vnto vs a gracious and comfortable inlightning of our minds to vnderstand the minde and meaning of God in his word daily more more for the secret of the Lord is with them that feare him and he will shew them his couenant Psal 25.14 If I come to a place of Scripture hard to bee vnderstood I will marke it and so stay my selfe in hope of grace from God at his good pleasure Reading any part of Scripture very leasurely and heedfully I must endeauour to take speciall knowledge of some principall notable points and then commend them vnto the blessing of God thus O most mightie and mercifull Lord God I do most humbly and heartily thanke thee for that thou hast made me in reading this part of thy Bible to vnderstand and mark this this c. I beseech thee that if I haue mistakē any thing I may haue grace to see mine error and to leaue it I beseech thee that those things which I haue rightly vnderstood I may well remember and as neede shall require profitably vse to thy good pleasure and glory in benefiting my selfe and others through Iesus Christ thy onely Sonne my Lord and Sauiour To whome with thee O Father and with the holy Ghost three persons and one onely good Lord God be all praise honour and glorie for euermore Amen Thus much of Gods word And God spake all these words saying Hee that made one commaundement made all the rest therefore I must not presume to breake any one of them but if I will not bee confounded I must vprightly intend and carefully endeauour to bee obedient vnto all the commandements of God Psal 119.6 Exod. 20.2 I am the Lord c. This word Lord in the Iewes language is called Iehouah and signifieth such a one as is of himselfe and giueth beeing vnto all things else specially vnto his own promises which hee most faithfully and powerfully performeth in due time This wonderfull Lord is thoroughly knowne of none but himselfe yet vnder his gracious correction I do thus conceiue of him The Lord Iehouah is a spirit single durable vnmeasurable mightie wise holy blessed and glorious God is a spirit Ioh. 4.24 A spirit hath not flesh and bones Luk. 24.39 Then how is man saide to hee like vnto God In the nature and properties of the soule Why doth the Bible sometimes speake of God as if he had eies eares hands c. It speaketh according to our capacitie because God would haue vs to be plainely and fully perswaded that he hath sight hearing knowledge power
no wisedome nor safetie in so doing Fourthly though in purposing to speake this or that your mind be very vpright yet make carefull choise of words and phrase for that which beeing vttered one way can not be ill taken may in an other sute of words seeme very harsh and be likely to do more harme then good O for a mortified minister Hee will not speake thus and thus because hee will but so and so because hee is willed This if I mistake not may bee called the meekenesse of wisedome which whatsoeuer any man can say to the contrarie doth most befit a minister of the Gospel specially in these latter daies wherein naturall corruption taketh vpon it to bee zealous and precise for Gods glory You neede not aske mee whether in that my great danger I vowed vnto God a strict reformation of life I did indeed But when my danger was ouer I performed not my vow Now I must fetch a compasse backe againe to speake of my diseases and of some troubles withall My bodie hath beene windie and rheumatike from my childhood by a naturall distemper as I take it of my liuer the hotenesse whereof hath caused much euill vnto mee In the winter sixe hundred and sixe I then beeing Curate of Southfleet in Kent after an extreame cough did sensibly perceiue blindnesse entred into mine eies for diuerse moates seemed to flie before mee which way soeuer I turned my sight yea and specially before my right eye a thing in fashion of a kind of chaine sometime folded or turned diuerse waies and sometime at length What infirmitie in the eie causeth this appearance let learned Physitians iudge Thus it hath all this while been with mee increasing more and more so that now I haue much adoe to write or to read and am forced to hold my eyes and the booke very neere together The next winter after in the great frost I was taken with a windie disease in the lower part of my breast which so grieuously vexed mee that I looked for nothing but death In the very extremitie of this painfulnesse Doctor Barlow then Bishop of Rochester who not long before by the death of Mr. Winter came to haue the Parsonage of Southfleet where I was Curat beeing by some thorough mine owne vndiscretion incensed against mee tooke an occasion to put mee out of the Curatship About that time I did set forth a little booke called The burthen of a loaden conscience Which hath occasioned many heauie burthens to be laid vpon mee by those whose holinesse is knowne vnto God and not vnto mee a many precise folke that know not other mens hearts howsoeuer they know their owne Mine old kind Schoole-fellow Mr. William Eyre fellow in Emanuel Colledge who twise before had beene my refuge vnder God vnderstanding that I was without place did by meanes of Mr. Iohn Cotton fellow in the same college help mee to the Curateship of S. Alkmunds in Derby of Derbyshier There I was a yeare and a quarter very louingly vsed My stipend was fully so much as euer before Also M. Robert Bate of little Chester gaue mee my dyet and lodging all that time his wife a vertuous woman now in heauen hauing a verie tender care of me because of my sickenes Vnwisely I left that place and put my selfe into a world of trouble by taking the Curateship of Alhallowes in the same towne In this great and burdenous charge I haue now beene almost fiue yeares During this time my windie disease together with a faintnesse grew so vpon me that I fell into diuerse deadly fits of the cholike not onely in cold weather but in the heate of summer Now I come to tell you of intolerable torments Grauell hath bred in me from my youth and oftentimes I was pained with it whereupon I vsed to take a great deale of small drinke and so auoided it I remember that my worshipfull friend M. Richard Sedly of Southfleete said once vnto me What will you do when your stomacke cannot receiue so much drinke Ah gentle M. Sedly the time is now come and now I can doe nothing to help my selfe but call vpon the name of God About the end of Iuly in the yeare sixteen hundred and twelue I was taken with many fits of cholike and stone one fit anon after another Then I cried God mercie and promised zealous amendment of life The fittes left me but I amended not The next sūmer after I had some three or foure seuerall fits Now marke I pray you and beleeue me I beseech you The second of Nouember last 1613. at night I going to bed felt a fit of the cholike and stone comming vpon me Wherefore I beeing in great anguish praied earnestly vnto God that for his mercies sake he would then ease me of that paine with condition that if I did not presently enter into a very reformed course of life the disease should returne vpon mee and kill me It presently was gone and all that night I had quiet rest The morrowe I performed not my promise Towards night I felt a threatning of it again and therefore according to Doct. Bambrigs direction I tooke purging pills to preuent it which kinde of Physicke had formerly eased me The pills wrought yet the morrowe morning a violent fit came vpon me How grieuously I was that day tormented some that in kindnesse came to see me namely M. Thomas Stringer and M. Iohn Haughton do I am sure very well remember My breast quaked as a leafe shakē with the wind You may thinke I had then great cause to feare that the wrath of my Lord was kindled against me I humbly besought him to rebuke the disease yet once more and then vnlesse I forced my selfe to enter in at the strait doore of repentance no more He is a gracious Lord his name bee praised At euen he rebuked the disease and it left me yet all that night I was glad to haue Mr. Duxburie sit with me I was so weakened one while I was vp an other while downe and O my good Lord what I thinke vpon thou knowest my soule most humbly and lamentably appealeth vnto thine infinite mercie After this I purposed as I thought very steadfastly to reforme my selfe according to the word of God yea so farre forth that I wrote vnto Cantrell Legge Printer in Cambridg a note to be set before the fift impression of my former little booke In that note bearing date Nouemb. 27. 1613. I signified that my conscience was vnburthened that I would shortly publish the manner thereof whereas God knoweth I was farre short of beeing vnburthened Nowe yet marke I pray you All my former fits were about the right kidnie In Ianuarie and Februarie I felt a painfull gathering of somewhat about my left kidnie which prickingly continued causing a grieuous torment in the water passage out of my bodie Many times my water came drop-meale with burning paine That long practised religious Physitian Doct. Hunton of Newarke vpon
againe Afterward beeing very much wearied I had a minde to goe and refresh my selfe in company the bane of Sabbath day keeping and went first to one house then to another ending the day very heathenishly Monday after supper my minde pretended reason to draw me abroad therefore out I went To ease my strangurie I dranke at one house much beere at an other whaie in stead of beere Thursday a great heate with a deadly faintnesse came vpon me my left kidney was sore pained and thereupon I was grieuously tormented in the passage of my water The 29. of May beeing Sabbath I took a course â—ore easie for my selfe and as I verily beleeue more profitable for the parish In the forenoone I preached a sermon and at euening prayer after the second lesson I asked a youth who was well prouided to answer three or fowre questions touching the foundation of Religion Then I made those short answers plaine and prooued them out of the Bible in halfe an houres space I humbly aduise all young Preachers that they will not imagine they can build Ierusalem suddenly for sudden buildings will soone fall downe I maruell how it commeth to passe that in some places euen where learned Preachers haue killed themselues with sore labours the greater number of people are grossely ignorant yea I say it againe and can prooue it very grosly ignorant I trust I am vnder protection and that maketh me the bolder to speak my minde in the feare of God and loue of my Countrey The common sort is much neglected for neither matter of doctrine nor manner of speach is fitted vnto their lowe and small capacitie Most people for some three quarters of an houre if they vnderstand the words and perceiue the matter concerning their saluation to be plainely prooued out of the booke of God which for ought I know is of greater reuerence with them then with many of higher degree and greater vnderstanding I say if they bee plainely and briefly taught out of Gods booke they will giue very diligent eare But if the Preacher confound their vnderstanding or be longer then ordinarie they leaue all and thinke thus When will yonder man haue done he hath no reason to make an ende The next Sabbath the fift of Iune I did follow the same order which I tooke the Sabbath before Thursday following I was drawne to a feast and so into much sinne for no sawce is so common at a feast as sinne Sinne maketh all the company merrie Sathan also hath his factors who beginne some one or other vngodly kind of merriment I am naturally such a one yea worse then the worst of them that are so disposed yet this I say While you liue blesse you froÌ„ those which are speciall ringleaders in matter of vnholy pastime for the deuil himselfe setteth them a worke Friday I dined with certaine strangers and so fell into forgetfulnes of God afterward comming into my chamber I prayed thus O Lord God how is it possible for him which seeth thee not to keep company with thee I beleeue that I am before thy face what aileth me then that I do not professe and shew foorth this my beleefe because there is no company to be had with most people if this beleefe be acted put into practise I my selfe should take it for an vncouth thing if an other in my companie should appeare to present himselfe before thy face Our disposition abhorreth to bee awed our mindes are full of vanitie wee are like vnto foolish schollers that loue not to haue their schoolmaster in their companie yea we are worse then they for when their master is with them though it be sore against their wil yet they acknowledge his presence and if he be a wise man tempering masterly grauitie with fatherly gentlenesse he shall in time winne those rude ones to be glad of his companie and very reuerently to loue him as the parent of their good education So wouldest thou graciously worke vpon vs if we would acknowledge thy presence but this is quite contrarie to the bent of our hearts O good Lord I beseech thee to be mercifull vnto vs. Amen That day in the afternoone I went to Church to bury an olde man named Richard Duke and thence I went into the town where beeing in companie I forgat God and what any man perceiued in my behauiour I knowe not Thence I came home and after some idle communication with some which I found in the house comming into my chamber my spirit was so ashamed to speake vnto God that I went prayerlesse to bedde The morrow beeing Whitsunday-eue I was so grieuously tormented that I dranke besides much beere foure quarts of water Whitsunday one preached in my place both forenoone and afternoone Munday by reason of ouerfull diet taken the day before the winde cholike began in my bowels which held mee all day and all night in sore paine yea though I vsed both purges and clisters it hung vpon me welnigh all the weeke following I must not tell how vnpatiently how abominably I behaued my selfe as I laie tormented with that fit O most holy Lord forgiue mee I beseech thee and of thine exceeding great mercy free me from the wicked bondage of my sinnes Amen Trinitie Sunday I should haue preached a sermon at Kirk-Ireton some eight miles from Derbie where one M. Storer sometime a baker in London hath giuen a sermon to be preached and certaine monie distributed that daie yearely for euer whether because the towne of Derbie is bound to see that worke performed I had beene sent as I remember foure times But my filthie strangurie now so vexed me that I could not ride Wherefore tarying at home I preached twise to mine own charge Were I able I would giue so much vnto the parish of Alhallowes in Derbie for euer as should keepe their owne Minister at home among them for it is a great company of people and hath great neede of continuall carefull guidance in the way of God The sixe and twentieth of Iune beeing Sabbath though in the morning I was sore troubled with the strangury yet God of his mercy inabled me to preach in the forenoone and catechize in the afternoone He that had seene how I studied mondaie and tuesday for matter of prayer and Psalmes vnto God in desire hope of deliuerance out of the bondage of sinne and after all that how quite contrarily I bent my course would verily be perswaded that he had seene not one man but two men in one outward likenesse the one with many teares pitifully crauing mercie at the hands of God and the other turning his backe to God and running away from him Tuesday euening I was at a place in the towne prophanely pleasing my selfe Beeing returned home and sitting downe in my chamber my minde left mee and went backe to the same place againe At last with much adoe I started vp and falling downe vpon my knees before the face of God