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book_n	wood_n	write_v	year_n	73	3	4.1474	3	false

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ID	Title	Author	Corrected Date of Publication (TCP Date of Publication)	STC	Words	Pages
A66707	Poor Robin's jests: or, The compleat jester Being a collection of several jests not heretofore published. Now newly composed and written by that well-known gentleman, Poor Robin, knight of the burnt island, and well-willer to the mathematicks. Together with the true and lively effigies of the said author. Licensed Feb. 2. 1666. Roger L'Estrange.	Poor Robin.; Winstanley, William, 1628?-1698.	1667 (1667)	Wing W3075A; ESTC R221040	62,408	171

but having now so short a time to live he was resolved his Beard should take the same fortune with his head Another AFterwards when he was upon the Scaffold ready for to dye going to lay down his head upon the block he bid the Executioner stay a while till such time he had laid his Beard over the block for though said he the King gave you a Commission to cut off my head he gave you no Commission to cut that A Noblemans health CErtain Knights being drinking a health to a Nobleman of this Kingdome one of them to honour it the more put into the Glass some pieces of gold 〈◊〉 last it came to the share of a merry-disposed Gentleman to drink who having swallowed up all the wine turn'd the gold into his hand and put it in his pocket saying I never drank of any drink in my life but I could always make bold with the toast A Deformed wit ONe seeing a man of excellent learning crooked and deformed in body said Lord what a poor Cottage doth yonder good wit inhabit The toothless Miser AN over-pin'd Miser complain'd that he had almost lost all his teeth in his head with the Rheume one that stood by answer'd him it was more likely for want of use A New-fashion'd Coat of arms ONe seeing his enemies Arms fairly drawn on a wall took a pensil to draw the like underneath So in the first house he drew his enemies chiefe coat and all the rest of the Escutch●on he figured with twenty kinds of Pots Cups and drinking-Glasses and underneath wrote thus These my fore-fathers left me and I will increase them The Thiefes question ONe having done a robbery in one Shire was taken in another and brought before a Justice there who refused to meddle with him but return'd him to the Shire where he had done the Robbery the Thief thereupon said unto him I pray Sir if that be the Law let me ask you one question If a man be taken abed with his Neighbours wife this night what must he be sent thither again the next night A Rougish trick to a Stranger A Stranger coming to a Brook asked a Country-man on the other side if it were passable or no Yea Sir said he you may pass very well But plunging in he stuck there so fast that he had much adoe to get out again whereupon he curst and swore very bitterly at the man truly Sir said he I had thought you might for my Neighbour Parkers geese and mine pass over it every day The Country-man A Fellow that was hang'd was carted back again to the Town to be buried and the Coarse being set down a great many men and boyes stood gazing on it By chance a Country-fellow came by and seeing them stand so gazing Away away Sirs for shame said he you are able to put an honest man out of countenance so to gaze on him Of one spitting in the fire ONe sitting by the fire to warm him in very cold weather said that the fire was his friend and quickly after spit into it to whom one that sat by him said Indeed Sir you do not well to quench your friends love by spitting in his face A deep Question ONe having read in the story of the seven Champions how St. Georg● had killed the Dragon and delivered from death Sabra the fair maid of Egypt he said he wonder'd how men could invent such lies for there never was any Dragon neither was there ever any St. George to which anothor reply'd For St. George or the Dragon it matter'd not whether there were ever such or no but the greatest matter was whether there was a maid Of Madam Carlton MAdam Carlton commonly called or known by the name of the German-Princesse being by the procurement of her Husbands friends committed prisoner to the Gate-house one of those her back-friends went to give her a visit telling her he had a great desire to see her having heard much of her extraordinary breeding to whom she replied Alas Sir I am sorry you have lost your labour having left that in the City amongst my Husbands kindred who had such extraordinary need thereof Another of Her ANother of these her visitants among other discourse told her that marrying and hanging went by destiny to whom she answer'd that she had received from the destinies marriage and he in probability might hanging Hugh Peters and Oliver OLiver the late Usurper riding abroad one day in his Coach Hugh Peters was mounted on a Steed and followed after it chanced a sudden shower of rain to fall whereupon Oliver being unwilling his Chaplain should be wet sent him his Co●t to keep him dry which Hughkin modestly refused returning this answer to the Messenger that he would not be in his Coat for a thousand pound Pride and Hewson PRide and Hewson two of Cromwels pageant Lords the one formerly a Dray-man the other a Cobler these two meeting together Pride told Hewson he saw a piece of Coblers wax sticking upon his Scarlet Cloak No matter for that said Hewson a handful of Brewers grains will wipe it off well enough The Parson and the good Wife A Parson preaching a Sermon on a Good-Friday said Now which of you all in honour of this good day will not forgive his enemy with all his heart A woman hearing him say so stept forth and said Sir I do Whom said the Parson Marry quoth she whosoever will do so much as kill the knave my Husband The Parson and Church-Warden A Parson riding into the North of England it was his chance to stay at a small Village on a Sunday where they had no Minister at that time whereupon he offer'd to bestow a Sermon on them which the Church-Warden being informed of went to him and asked him if he were Licensed to preach Yes said the Parson that I am and there-withall drew out of a Box his License asking the Church-Warden if he understood Latine No said he I do not yet however let me see it perhaps I may pick here and there a word out of it No quoth the Parson I will have no words pickt out of it for that is the way to spoile my License Dr. Adams and Dr. Low TWo Ministers whereof the one was named Mr. Adams the other Dr. Low being to preach before a great Auditory the Doctor chose for his Text this place of Scripture Adam where art thou he having done Master Adams stepped up and took for his Text the following words viz. Low here am I. Dr. Heylin DR Heylin the famous Cosmographer being sent for to his Elder Brother● by a Serving-man who had a long time retained to that Family as they journeyed along they lost themselves in a Wood the Serving-man being quite at a loss desired the Doctor to ride before which he a● good reason was refusing the man in ● pelting chase said I have heard my old Master your Father say that you writ a book of a● the whole World now if you

Ale Punch Metheglin Perry Vsquebah and Coffee As good as ere was drunk by Persian Sophy And sometimes Brandy Chocolet Stepony Which thither did invite many a Croney Where whilst they sat a drinking of their Ale Each man by turns did tell a merry tale Which I had printed in one Book for sport too Neither in Twelves nor Octo but in Quarto That Book of mine and if you do resort to 'T will make you laugh and smile and if not fart too But yet I must confess I can't deny it This following Book unless I should bely it Surpasses mine in so many degrees As Water is by Wine or Chalk by Cheese Long-Meg of Westminster on the Book AMongst the men next give a woman place too Who once did live in great renown and grace too And for being tall and kept a filthy stir Men stiled me Long-Meg of Westminster Many mad pranks I plaid and many a gamble Whilst in this lower Orbe I had my ramble For which my name grew great and thundred so Lowder then Cannon-shot or Bell of Bow And be it known unto all Christian people It mounted higher far then is Pauls-steeple That since the days Eve woo'd our father Adam Was never known a stouter strapping Madam But now I fear as sure as Egs are Egs too And that mens Bodies are born by their Legs too These Jests puts down my fame have me out-stripped As School-boys puts down hose when they are whipped Hobson the merry Londoner in praise of this Book FOrth from the hollow Caverns of old Tellus I come to spend my breath like winde from Bellows To tell the world this Book it hath no f●llows Read it 't will cure the jealous of the Yellows The rich of Pride the sad of Melancholy The poor of Spleen the simple-man of folly It is the onely Vniversal Doctor 'T will cure thee of the P if thou hast knockt her There 's no disease of care nor yet of grief too But reading this it gives the minde relief too Then if for to be cur'd thy minde be willing Pull out thy purse the price is but a shilling Archy in praise of this Book AMongst the train of nimble wits next march I King Charles the Martyrs Jester famous Archy Valiant I was as was french Knight de Amadis And full of mirth as Egge-shell with meat cramb'd is And which o' th' matter sets a higher rate too Jested my self into a good Estate too Now since my censure must pass on this Book I durst avouch if that thereupon you look You 'll finde rare jocund tales both new old too By several men and at several times told too For what Taylor of Coriats works once utter'd Th' were good as tosted Cheese or Fish that 's butter'd Might in a better sence of these be taken They 're good as powder'd Beef or Egs Bacon Poor Robin on himself LAstly for to bring up the Rear In my own person I appear To make it known unto the world What falshoods have on me been hurl'd One says I'm this another that And most do prate they know not what For like to Geese in mud that paddle Each broods his Eggs and all prove addle One says that I a Parson am He heard me Preach and knows my name And if that lyes be true then he Has hit the truth assuredly But if that it be otherwise Then truth is truth and he tells lyes Another in me a Lawyer sees That in false case I ne'er took fees But sure the mans in 's judgement's blind For why such Lawyers few can finde Another doth affirm me for A Doctor or a Quacksalver Or if you will a Mountebank Where Jack Pudding on Stage is crank And that I do cure each disease Lost Maiden-heads or what you please But were I Doctor I 'd be trying To cure that party of his lying Another says it is a Knight Robin's Almanack does write Another says it is a Squire And I say each of them 's a lyar One did report I was a Vulcan Because they say I love a full Can Another in his words did vary Said I was an Apothecary A third whose brains were something adler Aver'd for truth I was a Sadler A fourth hath an Opinion newer That I love Beer and am a Brewer But he had been a truer hinter That I love Wine and am a Vintner For though in trade from truth they vary I must confess I love Canary Now I have told you what I am not But what I am to tell I cannot For he who can himself conjecture Is wiser then our late Protector Who had forgot he was a Brewer And could above him none indure Nor think I he could prophecy When dead his head should mount so high Or that his Trunk with two on 's fellows Should buried be under the Gallows But they who do desire to know me If they such love or kindness owe me Come to Limehouse neer to Dicks-shore A mile from Aldgate if not more Neer unto Signe of the White Lyon Hard by 's a Shop if you cast eye on ● may be found without all doubt Always within if not gone out There do I sit some certain hours Contemplating the starry powers And from that place as may be guest Brought up Will Summers and the rest Brom Elyzium or from Limbo To make Verse like rime in Crambo 〈◊〉 commendation of this Book As you may read if there you look Now I imagine in all reason I 've writ enough at this same season And those who like not this Epistle Lay the book down and go whilstle P.R. WRitten at Lime-house neer Dick● shore The day o' th' month five and a score The month April th' hour Eleven Year Sixteen Hundred Sixty Seven POOR ROBIN'S JESTS OR The compleat Jester The Lady and Tenant A Lady inviting some of her Tenants to Dinner at a Christmas as soon as Grace was said fell to commending her meat saying there was a Sir-loyn of Beef the Ox whereof cost ten pounds and a Capon that cost half a Crown c. A poor man sitting at the lower end of the Table hearing her discourse fell straightways upon the Capon before the others were past their roast Beef the Lady seeing that called to him saying My friend eat some of that roast Beef No Madam said he an Ox of ten pounds is too dear meat for me a Capon of half a Crown will serve my turn well enough I thank you Another THe same Lady carving a wing of a most dainty Bird to another of her Guests told him that those sorts of Birds were worth no less then five pounds a dozen To whom the fellow said If you please Madam I will content my self with Beef or Pork and give me my share of those Birds in money Will. Summers and Cardinal Woolsey WIll Summers that was first Cardinal Woolsey's Fool hearing that his Master was like to be Pope came running to the Cardinal and with great expressions of joy

number but not in the singular R.H. A Gentleman was commending the Wine at the Rose in Newgate-market I cannot tell said one what praise the Wine deserves but I am confident there no better Wine in London then the Ale 〈◊〉 the Unicorn in Queens-head-alley The Traveller and King Henry the Eighth A Gentleman of King Henry the Eight● privy Chamber went to Travel and upon his return the King asked him dive● questions concerning his journey among others what he had seen memorable in t● City of Venice To which he replyed the truely he had taken little notice thereof For said he I onely gallop'd post thorough● by night and so came away The Captain in 88. THe Naval fight against the Spaniards 1588 was pourtrayed in a curio● suit of hangings which are still preserve● and adorn the Parliament-house together with the lively Effigies of the most emine●● Commanders and Captains in that fight A Sea-Captain who had been in that service looking on the Hangings and not fin●ing his Effigies there seemed very angry saying he deserved a place there better then some others that were in it To whom one said Be content Captain and make not this ado you are reserved for another Hanging The Justice of Peace and Constable A Lubberly Constable went to apprehend a Shoomaker within his house but the Shoomakers wife so well bestirred her that she soundly basted the Constable whiles in the mean time her husband got away The Constable thereupon went to ● Justice of peace and complained unto him of the battery and of the Shoomakers wives misusage alleadging that if such a thing were not severely punish'd it would ●end much to his Worships disgrace Whereto the Justice answered Seeing as thou say'st the disgrace will be mine I forgive the Shoomakers wife The Country-man and Astrologer W.L. A Country-man having his wives honesty in suspition went one morning betimes to an Astrologer to be resolved of his doubts the Wizard was not then up and the Country-man having extraordinary occasion untrust a point upon the threshold At last the Astrologer came down and smelling what was done in ● great chafe he said If I knew who it was tha● did this nasty trick I would have him severely punisht The Country-man hearing him say so Nay then said he a die● Wizard I 'll home again to my Jenny if y●● know not who it was that shit at your door ● am sure you know nothing of my wives honesty The Country-man and Doctor ANother Country-man suspecting that ● young Shepherd was over-familia● with his Daughter he went to a Doctor who was famed for a great Sooth-sayer i● that Country and presented him with ● couple of Capons desiring to be resolved 〈◊〉 his foresaid jealousie The Doctor having received the present took a great Book an● turning over divers leaves made a rumbling to himself as though he conjur'd at la●● taking his spectacles off his Noise he asked the Country-man both their ages who told him that his Daughter was fifteen years of age and the Shepherd two and twenty Nay then said the Doctor if they be of that age byrlady friend it may very well be so indeed The fellow and his Dogs A Gentleman sending a brace of Greyhounds to a Knight the Knight ask'd the Messenger that brought them if they were good Dogs or no Good Dogs quoth the fellow here is this pointing to one of them the best that ever ran upon four legs and this other here is five times better then he A Noble-man and his Page A Noble-man sent his Page with a Peacock between two curious Venice-Dishes to another Earl Now it chanced that as the Page went to take off the upper dish to shew the Earl the present it fell down and broke all to pieces however the Earl received the Peacock and sent one of his Gentlemen with the Page to excuse him to the Noble-man Who hearing of the mischance asked the Page angerly how he broke it the Page trembling let the other fall out of his hand which likewise broke all to pieces and then said Even thus and like your honour I broke it The poor Man and hasty Cook A Poor man in the City of Paris went to a Cooks shop to have had some meat but the Cook was so busied about serving higher Guests that in the mean time the mans stomack was satisfied with onely the smell of the meat and so would have gone away but the covetous Cook would be paid for his dinner which the man refusing at last it was agreed to be decided by the next person that came by which chanced to be the arrantest Idiot in all the City he calling for a couple of pewterdishes bid the man put his mony betwixt them and then decreed that the Cook should rest satisfied for the smell of the meat with onely the gingling of the mony A wise reason of a Fool. A Fool lying asleep in an open field had prick'd his staff in the ground before his face to fence him from the winde and telling one the reason why he did so the other said That could no ways shield him Why said the Fool can the winde think ye blow thorough the staff A rich Heir A Rich Heir was by his Unkle beg'd for a Fool who used always to have him with him whithersoever he went It chanced one time they were at a Gentlemans who had the picture of a Fool drawn in his Hangings The Fool watching his opportunity with a pen-knife cut that Picture out of the Hangings and being reprehended for it he said You have more reason to thank me for it for if my Unkle had spyed it he would have beg'd the Hangings as he beg'd my Lands A witty answer of a Fool. A Serving-man made his Masters Fool believe he would cut off his head The Fool thereupon ran straight to his Master and told him of it who answered Fear not he shall not cut off thy head if he do I 'll hang him the next day after Nay I pray replyed the Fool rather hang him a day before Another ONe chid a Fool for throwing dust into his eyes the Fool answered Truely I took you for a Letter A witty answer of a mad-man A Country-man coming to London went to see the mad-folkes in Bedlam one of them asked him what place he came from he replyed from Newarke The mad-man then asked him what business he had in Town he told him onely to see them And come you hither onely to see us said he believe me brother I am not here for so great folly The Fool and Dog A Fool was bitten by a Dog the next day the Fool found him asleep in the grass and knockt out his brains saying He that hath Enemies let him have a care how and where he sleeps Good to watch as well as pray A Gentleman being at his prayers in the Church a Cut-purse pickt his pocket and complaining thereof one told him If he had watched as well as pray'd he had

so well knew a● the World me thinks you might easily find the way out of a Wood. Dr. Donne DR Donne having privately married Si● George Moors daughter whose name was Anne falling into his Fatherinlaw● displeasure he with a Diamond-ring wrote thus on the glass-window John Donne Ann● Donne done and undone Of Pope Adrian POpe Andrian the sixth being minde● to throw Pasquins Image into Tyber● to take away the cause of Libelling which was then used under the name of th●● ●mage The Duke of Sesa said unto him ●f your Holiness throw Pasquin into Tyber he will then turn Frog and croke both day and night whereas now he only crokes a day time The Pope and St. Peter IT is said of a certain Pope that when he was dead he went to Heaven●ates and knocked there St. Peter de●anding who he was he said the last de●eased Pope then said St. Peter If you be ●he Pope why do you knock since you ●ave the keys to come in at your pleasure ●o whom the Pope answer'd that his Prede●essors indeed had the keys but since that time ●e wards were alterd The Spanish Bishop and Shepherd A Spanish-Bishop seeing a Shepherd sunning himself said unto him I wonder ●at Shepherds now adays are not as they ●ere in time past when great Prophets ●nd Kings refused not to keep Sheep and ●o them also the Angels told the birth of ●ur Saviour to whom the Shepherd an●●er'd Neither are Bishops now adays as in old ●●me at divers of whose deaths Bells are said to ●ng of themselves and now can scarcely be ●●de to ring with mens strength Bishop Bonner BIshop Bonner being at the time of the Reformation degraded from his Bishoprick one thinking to put a jest upon him desired a piece of his tippet to heelstall his hose to whom Bonner answer'd that his tippet was not fit for that purpose but told him he had a foolish head of hi● own which would serve very well to line his Hat Another time riding abroad one met him and said good morrow Bishop Quondam to whom Bonner replyed Adi●● knave semper idem The Spanish-Fryar A Spanish-Fryar had a Bishoprick in India granted unto him but he desiring not to go out of his own Country th●● spake to the Kings Secretary Sir knowing that a Bishops place is a dangerous thing 〈◊〉 undertake and being conscious of my own insufficiency I am in the mind that to take i● upon me is the high-way to Hell and to go to Hell by India is a great way about wherefore I pray assign me some nearer Sea or no● at all The Bishop and his Chaplain A Bishops Chaplain helping his Lord on with his Rotchet it being the first time ●nd he not very perfect at it he said unto him My Lord methinks your Sleeves are ●ery strait True answer'd the Bishop for I have been these twenty years in getting them 〈◊〉 and never till now could do it Reason for this ANother said that the chief reason why the Anabaptists would have had the ●ells down out of the Churches was because of the Ropes being conscious to them●elves what they had deserved A useless Library A Scholar having a great Library and seldome or never coming at it to Study one said unto him It seems Sir that 〈◊〉 and your books are at a truce Peter Martyr PEter Martyr Chronicler to the King of Spain having a long time sued for a ●ishoprick and hearing at last that four Confessors were made Bishops at once ●aid Faith amongst so many Confessors one Martyr would have done very well The Bishop and Student A Young Student in Spain for some ● demeanors he had committed ● summoned before a Bishop who had a ve● reverend beard who after several Reaso● and Arguments in his defence at last ple●●ed Conscience What you talk of Co●science saies the Bishop and have never beard yet I cry you mercy quoth the S●●dent then for I perceive if Conscience g●● beards your Lordship hath got a very large 〈◊〉 A Request answered ONe desired a Gentleman to speak ● him to a certain Bishop that his Lo●●ship would be pleased to forgive him a De●● to whom he answer'd his Graces power ● to bind and not to loose The Abbot and the Messenger THere was a Bishop that sent six ● Capons to an Abbot whereof the Messenger eat up one of them by the way The Abbot having read the Bishops Letter and understanding that he had sent him ● Capons bid the Messenger thank his Lordship from him for five of them and as for t● sixth pray thank him thy self King Henry the eighth and the Abbot HEnry the eighth being abroad on hunting through the eager pursuit of his Game lost his attendants at length he wandred to the Abby of St. Albans where unknown he dined with the Abbot and fell so stoutly on that the Abbot taking notice thereof said he would give a hundred pound he had so good a stomach for quoth he my stomach is so queasie that I am ready to Surfeit with the pestle of a Larke or the wing of a Partridge The King remembring his words the next day sent for him up by a couple of Pursevants and without shewing any reason clapt him in the Tower where he was fed for a Fortnight with onely bread and water at last the King sent him a Rib of roast Beef on which he fed so heartily and made so deep an impression that the King stepping from his Coverture wherein he stood to see what the Abbot would do demanded of him his hundred pounds saying Since I have been your Physitian and recovered your stomach pay me my mony which the Abbot was forced for to do Another of King Henry the eighth and the Abbot of Glastenbury THe same King Henry having a months ●●nd to the Abbot of Glastenburies Esta●e who was one of the richest Abbots in England sent for him to his Court and told him that without he could resolve him three Questions he should not escape with his life The Abbot willing to get out of his clutches promised his best endeavours The Kings Questions were these First of what compass the world was about Secondly how deep the Sea was and Thirdly what the King thought The Abbot desired some few days respite which being granted he returned home but with intent never to see the King again for he thought the questions impossible to be resolved This his grief coming at last to the ears of his Cook he undertook upon forfeiture of his life to resolve those Riddles and to free his Master from danger The Abbot willingly condescended So the Cook got on the Abbots cloaths and at the time appointed went to the Court and being like the Abbot in Physiognomy was taken by all the Courtiers to be the same man when he came before the King omitting other circumstances h● thus resolved his three questions first of what compass the world was about he said It was but twenty four hours journey and