Seld they displease their husbands to their end Alwaies to please them well they doe intend Neuer in them one shall finde shrewdnes much Such are their humors and their grace is such 34 To my Lady Rogers GOod Madame in this verse obserue one point That it seemes the Writer did appoint With smoothest oyle of praise your eares to noynt Yet one his purpose soone may disappoint For in this verse disparting but a point Will put this verse so clearely out of ioynt That all this praise will scant be worth a point 35 To her Daughter vpon the same point reading the same verse with another point DAmes are indude with vertues excellent What man is he can proue that they offend Daily they serue the Lord with good intent Seld they displease their husbands to their end Alwaies to please them well they doe intend Neuer in them one shall find shrewdnesse much Such are their humors and their graces such 36 MY Mall the former verses this may teach you That som deceiue some are deceiu'd by showes For this verse in your praise so smooth that goes With one false point and stop did ouer-reach you And turne the praise to scorne the rimes to prose By which you may be slanderd all as Shrowes And some perhaps may say and speake no treason The verses had more rime the prose more reason 37 Comparison of the Sonnet and the Epigram ONce by mishap two Poets fell a-squaring The Sonnet and our Epigram comparing And Faustus hauing long demurd vpon it Yet at the last gaue sentence for the Sonnet Now for such censure this his chiefe defence is Their sugred taste best likes his likresse senses Well though I grant Sugar may please the taste Yet let my verse haue salt to make it last 38 Of an accident of saying grace at the Lady Rogers who vsed to dine exceeding late Written to his wife MY Mall in your short absence from this place My selfe here dining at your mothers bord Your little sonne did thus begin his grace The eyes of all things looke on thee ô Lord And thou their foode doost giue them in due season Peace boy quoth I not more of this a word For in this place this Grace hath little reason When as we speake to God we must speake true And though the meat be good in taste and season This season for a dinner is not due Then peace I say to lie to God is treason Say on my boy saith shee your father mocks Clownes and not Courtiers vse to goe by clocks Courtiers by clocks said I and Clownes by cocks Now if your mother chide with me for this Then you must reconcile vs with a kisse 39 Of Don Pedro and his Poetry SIr I shall tell you newes except you know it Our noble friend Don Pedro is a Poet. His verses all abroad are read and showne And he himselfe doth sweare they are his owne His owne t is true for he for them hath paid Two crownes a Sonnet as I heard it said So Ellen hath faire teeth that in her purse She keepes all night and yet sleepes ne're the worse So widdow Lesbia with her painted hide Seem'd for the time to make a handsome bride If Pedro be for this a Poet cald So you may call one hairie that is bald 40 A comfort for poore Poets POets hereafter for pensions need not care Who call you beggers you may call them lyers Verses are growne such merchantable ware That now for Sonnets sellers are and buyers 41 Against a foolish Satyrist I Read that Satyre thou intitlest first And layd aside the rest and ouer-past And sware I thought that th' author was accurst That that first Satyre had not been his last 42 An Epitaph in commendation of George Turberuill a learned Gentleman WHen rimes were yet but rude thy pen endeâ—uoreâ— To pollish Barbarisme with purer stile â—heÌ„ times were grown most old thy heart perseuered â—incere iust vnstaind with gifts or guile â—ow liues thy soule though froÌ„ thy corps disseuered â—here high in blisse here cleare in fame the while To which I pay this debt of due thanks-giuing My pen doth praise thee dead thine grac'd me liuing â—3 To the Queenes Maiestie when shee found fault with some particular matters in Misacmos Metamorphosis O Read Soueraign take this true though poore excuse Of all the errors of Misacmos Muse 〈◊〉 hound that of a whelpe my selfe hath bred â—nd at my hand and table taught and fed When other curres did fawne and flatter coldly â—id spring and leape and play with me too boldly For which although my Pages check and rate him Yet stil my self doth much more loue theÌ„ hate him â—4 To the Ladies of the Queenes Priuy-chamber at the making of their perfumed priuy at Richmond The Booke hanged in chaines saith thus FAire Dames if any tooke in scorne and spite Me that Misacmos Muse in miâ—th did write 〈◊〉 satisfie the sinne loe hâ—re in chaines â—or aye to hang my Master he ordaines â—et deeme the deed to him no derogation But doome to this deuice new commendation Sith here you see feele smell that his conueyance Hath freed this noysome place from all annoyance Now iudge you that the work mock enuie taunt Whose seruice in this place may make most vaunt If vs or you to praise it were most meet You that made sowre or vs that make it sweet 45 To Master Cooke the Queenes Atturney that waâ— incited to call Misacmos into the Starre-chamber but refused it saying he that could giue another a Venâ—e had a sure ward for himselfe THose that of dainty fare make deare prouision If some bad Cookes marre it with dressing euill Are wont to say in iest but iust derision The meat from God the Cookes came froÌ„ the diuell But if this dish though draffe in apparision Were made thus sawst a seruice not vnciuill Say ye that taste and not digest the Booke The Dee'le go with the meat God with the Cooke 46 Against Lynus a Wryter that found fault with the Metamorphosis LYnus to giue to me a spightfull frumpe Said that my writings sauourd of the Pumpe And that my Muse for want of matter takes An Argument to write of from the Iakes Well Lynus speake each Reader as he thinks Though thou of Scepters wrat'st and I of sinks Yet some will say comparing both together My wit brings matter thence thine matter thither 47 Of Garlick to my Lady Rogers â—F Leckes you like and doe the smell disleeke Eate Onions and you shall not smell the Leeke 〈◊〉 you of Onions would the sent expell â—ate Garlick that will drowne th'Onyons smell But sure gainst Garlicks sauour at one word I know but one receit what 's that go looke 48 A dish of dainties for the Diuell A Godly Father sitting on a draught To doe as need Nature hath vs taught â—umbled as was his manner certaine prayers â—nd vnto him the Diuell straight repaires â—nd boldly to reuile him he begins â—lleaging
vs follow still the Apostles lore Apostata's thou follow'st euermore They bid refresh the poore with Almes-deedes Thou rauish dost the poore with all misdeedes They promist ioyes eternall neuer wasting You merit noyes infernall euerlasting 18 Of Sheepe turned Wolues WHen hearts obdurate make of sin an habitâ— High frowning Nemesis was wont to senâ— Beares Lions Wolues and Serpents to this end To spoyle the coasts whereso good folke inhabite Now since this age in habite and in act Excels the sinnes of euery former age No maruaile Nemesis in her iust rage Doth like or greater punishment exact And for this cause a cruell beast is sent Not only that deuoures and spoyles the people But spares not house nor village Church nor Steeplâ— And makes poore widdowes mourn Orphants lameÌ„â— You muse perhaps what beasts they be that keep Such beastly rule as seld was seene before T is neither Beare nor Lyon Bull nor Bore But Beasts then al these beasts more harmeful sheâ—â— Loe then the mystery from whence the name Of Cotsold Lyons first to England came 19 Of Lynus borrowing WHen Lynus meets me after salutations Courtsies and complements and gratulations He presseth me euen to the third deniall â—o lend him twenty shillings or a royall But of his purpose of his curtsie fayling He goes behind my backe cursing and rayling Foole thy kind speeches cost not thee a penâ—y And more foole I if they should cost me any 20 Of one Master Carelesse WHere dwels Mr. Carelesse Iesters haue no dwelling Where lies he in his tongue by most mens telling Where bords he there where feasts are fouÌ„d by smelling Where bites he all behind with all men yelling Where bides the man oh sir I mist your spelling â—ow I will read yet well I doe not wot â—ut if that I to him shall point his lot In Shot-ouer at Dogs-head in the pot For in that signe his head oft ouer-shot 21 Against Momus in praise of his dogge Bungey BEcause a witty Writer of this time Doth make some mention in a pleasant rime Of Lepidus and of his famous dogge Thou Momus that dost loue to scoffe and cogge Prat'st amongst base companions and giue'st out That vnto me herein is meant aflout Hate makes thee blinde Momus I dare be sworne He meant to me his loue to thee his scorne Put on thy enuious spectacles and see Whom doth he scorne therein the dogge or mee The Dogge is grac't compared with great Bankes Both beasts right famous for their pretty prankes Although in this I grant the dogge was worse He onely fed my pleasure not my purse Yet that same Dogge I may say this and boast it He found my purse with gold when I haue lost it Now for my selfe some fooles like thee may iudge That at the name of Lepidus I grudge No sure so farre I thinke it from disgrace I wisht it cleare to me and to my race Lepus or Lepos I in both haue part That in my name I beare this in mine heart But Momus I perswade my selfe that no man Will deigne thee such a name English or Roman I le wage a But of Sack the best in Bristo Who calles me Lepid I will call him Tristo 22 Of Faustus NOw Faustus saith long Epigrams are dull Lowt Larks are lothsom wheÌ„ ones panch is fulâ— Yet whom the short doe please the long not weary I wish them neuer weary euer merry 23 Of summum bonum WHile I of summum bonum was disputing Propounding some positioÌ„s som confuting â—ld Sextus sayes that we were all deluded â—nd that not one of vs aright concluded â—nowledge sayth he is only true felicity â—traightwayes a stranger askt me in simplicity â— Sextus learned no quoth I by this light â—hen without light how iudgeth he so right He doth but ayme as poore men vallew wealth The feeble value strength the sicke man health 24 To Mall to comfort her for the losse of her Children â—Hen at the window thou thy doues art feeding Then thinke I shortly my Doue will be breeding â—â—ke will loue like and so my liking like thee 〈◊〉 I to doues in many things can like thee â—oth of you loue your lodgings dry and warme â—oth of you doe your neighbours little harme â—oth loue to feede vpon the firmest graine â—oth for your liuings take but little paine Both murmur kindly both are often billing Yet both to Venus sports will seeme vnwilling Both doe delight to looke your selues in Glasses You both loue your own houses as it passes Both fruitfull are but yet the Doue is wiser For though she haue no friend that can aduise her She patiently can take her young ones losse Thou too impatiently doost beare such crosse 25 Of the excuse of Symony CLerus I heare doth some excuse alledge Of his and other fellowes sacriledge As namely that to some against their wills That men are bound to take the lesse of ills That they had rather no man need to doubt Take Liuings whole then such as his without And therefore we must lay this haynous crime Not vnto them forsooth but to the time Alas a fault confest were halfe amended But sinne is doubled that is thus defended I know a right wise man sings and beleeues Where no Receiuers are there be no Theeues 26 In commendation of Master Lewkeners sixt description of Venice Dedicated to Lady Warwick 1595. LO here 's describ'd though but in little roome Faire Venice like a Spouse in Neptunes armes For freedome emulous to ancient Rome Famous for counsell much and much for Armes Whose stories earst written with Tuscan quill Lay to our English wits as halfe conceal'd Till Lewkners learned trauaile and his skill In well grac'd stile and phrase hath it reueald Venice be proud that thus augments thy fame England be kind enricht with such a Booke Both giue due honor to that noble Dame For whom this taske the Writer vnder-tooke 27 Of one that gaue a Benefice A Squire of good account affirm'd he went A learned man a Liuing to present But yet that Squire in this did breake no square He purposed thereof to keepe a share â—o set two sonnes to schoole to make them Clarks He doth reserue each yeere an hundred markes Ah said the Priest this card is too too cooling I set your sonnes nay they set me to schooling 28 Of Faustus fishing WIth siluer hooke Faustus for flesh was fishing But that game byting not vnto his wishing He said he did being thus shrewdly matcht Fish for a Roach but had a Gudgen catcht Faustus it seemes thy luck therein was great For sure the Gudgen is the better meat Now bayt againe that game is set so sharpe That to that Gudgen thou mayst catch a Carpe 29 To his friend Of his Booke of Aiax YOu muse to find in me such alteration That I that may denly to write was wont Would now set to a Booke so desperate front As I might scant defend by incitation My Muse that time did need a strong
THE MOST ELEGANT AND WITTY EPIGRAMS OF Sir Iohn Harrington Knight DIGESTED INTO FOVRE Bookes Three vvhereof neuer before published Fama bonum quo non foelicius vllum LONDON Printed by G. P. for Iohn Budge and are to be sold at his shop in Paules Church-yard at the signe of the Greene Dragon 1618. THE EPISTLE TO ALL Readers that Epigrams must bee read attentiuely that Legere non intellegere est negligere WHen in your hand you had this Pamphlet caught Your purpose was to post it ouer speedie But change your minde and feede not ouer-greedy Till in what sort to feede you first be taught Suppose both first and second course be done No Goose Porke Capon Snites nor such as these But looke for fruit as Nuts and Parma-cheese And Comfets Conserues Raisons of the Sunne Then taste but few at once feede not too fickle So shall you finde some coole some warme some biting Some sweet in taste some sharpe all so delighting As may your inward taste and fancie tickle But though I wish Readers with stomacks full Yet fast nor come not if your wits be dull For I had liefe you did sit downe and whistle As reading not to reede So ends th' Epistle TO THE RIGHT HONORABLE GEORGE MARques Buckingham Viscount Villeirs Baron of Whaddon Iustice in Eyre of all his Maiesties Forrests Parks and Chases beyond Trent Master of the Horse to his Maiestie and one of the Gentlemen of his Maiesties Bedchamber Knight of the most Noble order of the Garter and one of his Maiesties most Honourable Priuie Councell of England and Scotland Most Honoured Lord THis posthume book is furnished vvith worth but it wanteth a Patron A worthier theÌ„ your â—elfe the Booke could not find nor your Lordship a more patheticall Poet to Patronize If in Poetry Heraldry were admitted he would be found in happinesse of wit neere allied to the great Sydney yet but neere for the Apix of the Coelum Empyrium is not more inaccessable then is the height of Sydneys Poesy which by imagination we may approch by imitation neuer attaine to To great men our very syllables should be short and therfore I make my Conclusion a Petition That your Lordshippes acceptation may shew how much you fauor the noble Name and nature of the Poet and Booke VVhich deigned by your Lordshippe I shall thinke my paines in collecting and disposing of these Epigrams well placed and euer rest Your Lordships most bounden seruant I. B. Sir IOHN HARRINGTONS Epigrams the first Booke Against MOMVS 1 That his Poetrie shall be no fictions but meere truths SCant wrate I sixteene lines but I had newes Momus had found one fault past all excuse That of Epistle I the name abuse No gentle Momus that is none abuse Without I call that Gospel that ensues But read to carpe as still hath been thine vse Fret out thine heart to search seeke sift and pry Thy heart shall hardly giue my pen the ly 2 Against Sextus a scorner of Writers OF Writers Sextus known a true despiser Affirmes that on our writings oft he lookes And confesseth he growes ne're the wiser But Sextus where 's the fault not in our bookes No sure t is in your selfe I le tell you wherefore Bookes giue not wisedome where was none before But where some is there reading makes it more 3 Against Lesbia both for her patience and impatience LEsbia I heard how ere it came to passe That when old Pâ—leus call'd thy Lord an Asse You did but smile but when he cald him Oxe Straight-waies you curst him with all plagues pox There is some secret cause why you allow A man to scorne his braine but not his brow 4 Of a poynted Diamond giuen by the Author to his wife at the birth of his eldest sonne DEare I to thee this Diamond commend In which a modell of thy selfe I send How lust vnto thy ioynts this circlet sitteth So iust thy face and shape my fancies fitteth The touch will try this Ring of purest gold My touch tries thee as pure though softer mold That metall precious is the stone is true As true as then how much more precious you The Gem is cleare and hath nor needes no foyle Thy face nay more thy fame is free from soile â—oule deem this deare because from me you haue it â— deem your faith more deer because you gaue it This pointed Diamond cuts glasse and steele Your loues like force in my firme heart I feele But this as all things else time wasts with wearing Where you my Iewels multiply with bearing 5 Against Writers that carpe at other mens bookes THe Readers and the Hearers like my bookes But yet some Writers cannot them digest But what care I For when I make a feast I would my Guests should praise it not the Cookes 6 Of a young Gallant YOu boast that Noble men still take you vp That wheÌ„ they bowle or shoot or hawke or hunt In Coach or Barge on horse thou still art wont To runne ride row with them to dine or sâ—p This makes you scorne those of the meaner sort And thinke your credit doth so farre surmount Whereas indeed of you they make no count But as they doe of hawkes and dogges for sport Then vaunt not thus of this your vaine renowne Lest we both take you vp and take you downe 7 To my Lady Rogers the Authors wiues mother how Doctor Sherehood commâ—nded her house in Bathe I Newly had your little house erected In which I thought I had made good conueiance To vse each ease and to shunne all annoyance And prayd a friend of iudgement not neglected To view the roomes and let me know the faults He hauing view'd the lodgings staires and vaults Said all was excellent well saue here and there You thinke he praysd your house No I doe sweare He hath disgrac'd it cleane the case is cleere For euery roome is either there or here 8 Of Lesbia a great Lady LEsbia doth laugh to heare sellers and buyers Cald by this name Substantiall occupyers Lesbia the word was good while good folke vsd it You mard it that with Chawcers iest abusd it But good or bad how ere the word be made Lesbia is loth perhaps to leaue the trade 9 Of one that begd nothing and had his sute granted WHen thou dost beg as none begs more importunate And art deny'd as none speeds more infortunate With one quaint phrase thou doost inforce thy begging â—y mind vnto thy suite in this sort egging â—las sir this T is nothing once deny me not â—ell then for once content henceforth bely me not Your words so wisely plaste doe so inchaunt me Sith you doe nothing aske I nothing graunt yee 10 Another of asking nothing SOme thinke thee Lynus of a Fryer begotten For still you beg where nothing can be gotten Yet oft you say for so you haue been taught â—ir grant me this t is but a thing of nought And when indeed you say so I
that such prayers are deadly sinnes â—nd that it prou'd he was deuoyd of grace â—o speake to God in so vnfit a place â—he reuerend man though at the first dismayd â—et strong in faith thus to the Diuell said â—hou damned Spirit wicked false and lying â—espayring thine owne good and ours enuying â—ach take his due and me thou canst not hurt â—o God my prayer I meant to thee the durt Pure prayer ascends to him that high doth fit Downe falls the filth for fiends of hell more fit 49 Of Don Pedro his sweet breath HOw i st Don Pedros breath is still perfâ—m'd And that he neuer like himselfe doth smell I like it not for still it is presum'd Who smelleth euer well smells neuer well 50 Misacmos against his Booke THe Writer and the matter well might meet Were he as eloquent as it is sweet 51 Of Cloacina and Sterquitius THe Romanes euer counted superstitious Adored with high titles of Diuinitie Dame Cloacina and the Lord Sterquitius Two persons in their State of great affinitie But we that scorne opinions so pernitious Are taught by Truth well try'd t' adore the Trinitie And who-so care of true Religion takes Wil think such Saints wel shrined in AIAX 52 To the Queene when she was pacified and had sent Misacmos thankes for the inuention A Poet once of Traian begd a Lease Traian terror of Warre mirror of Peace â—â—d doubting how his writings were accepted â—â—inst which he heard some Courtiers had excepted â—â— came to him and with all due submission â—â—liuered this short Verse with this Petition â—â—are Soueraigne if you like not of my Writings 〈◊〉 this sweet cordiall to a spirit daunted 〈◊〉 if you reade and like my poore enditings 〈◊〉 for reward let this small sute be granted Of which short Verse I finde insu'd such fruit The Poet of the Prince obtain'd his sute 53 A Poets Priuiledge PAinters and Poets claime by old enroulement A Charter to dare all without controulement 54 To Faustus FAustus findes fault my Epigrams are short Because to reade them he doth make some sport I thanke thee Faustus though thou iudgest wrong Ere long I 'le make thee sweare they be too long 55 Against Faustus WHat is the cause Faustus that in dislike Proud Paulus still doth touch thee with a Pike 〈◊〉 breedeth in my minde a great confusion â—o thinke what he should meane by such elusion Trowst thou hee meanes that thou mightst make a PikemaÌ„ That caÌ„not be for that thou art no like man Thy crazed bones cannot endure the shocke Besides his manner is to speake in mocke Or i st because the Pike's a greedy Fish Deuoures as thou dost many a dainty Dish And in another sort and more vnkinde Wilt bite and spoile those of thy proper kinde Or doth he meane thou art a quarrell-piker That amongst men wert neuer thought a striker In this he sayes thou art a Christian brother That stricken on one eare thou turnest the other Or doth he meane that thou would'st picke a thanke No sure for of that fault I count thee franke How can thy tale to any man be gratefull Whose person manners face and all 's so hatefull Then Faustus I suspect yet one thing worse Thou hast pickt somwhat else What 's that a purse 56 Of mis-conceiuing LAdies you blame my verses of scurrilitie While with the double sense you were deceiu'd Now you confesse them free from inciuilitie Take heede henceforth you be not misconceiu'd 57. How the Bathe is like Purgatory WHether it be a Fable or a Story That Beda and others write of Purgatory â— know no place that more resemblance hath With that same Purgatory then the Bathe Men there with paines doe purge their passed sinnes Many with paines purge here their parched skins â—rying and freezing are the paines there told Here the chiefe paine consists in heate and cold Confused cryes vapour and smoke and stinke â—re certaine here that there they are some thinke There fire burnes Lords and Lowts without respect Our water for his force workes like effect Thence none can be deliuered without praying Hence no man is deliuered without paying But once escaped thence hath sure saluation But those goe hence still feare recidiuation 58 Of going to Bathe A Common phrase long vsed here hath beene And by prescription now some credit hath That diuers Ladies comming to the Bathe Come chiefely but to see and to be seene But if I should declare my conscience briefely â— cannot thinke that is their Arrant chiefely For as I heare that most of them haue dealt They chiefely came to feele and to be felt 59 Of Plaine dealing MY writings oft displease you what 's the matter You loue not to heare truth nor I to flatter 60 Against Paulus BEcause in these so male contented times I please my selfe with priuate recreation In reading or in sweetest contemplation Or writing sometime prose oft pleasant rimes Paulus whom I haue thought my friend sometimes Seekes all he may to taint my reputation Not with complaints nor any haynous crimes But onely saying in his scoffing fashion These writers that still sauour of the schooles Frame to themselues a Paradice of fooles But while he scornes our mirth and plaine simplicitie Himselfe doth sayle to Affricke and Ind. And seekes with hellish paines yet doth not finde That blisse in which he frames his wise felicitie Now which of twaine is best some wise men tell Our Paradice or else wise Paulus hell 61 Of Caius hurts in the warre CAius of late return'd from Flemmish warres Of certaine little scratches beares the skarres And for that most of them are in his face With tant plus beau hee showes them for his grace â—et came they not by dint of Pike or Dart â—ut with a pot a pint or else a quart But he ne're makes his boast how and by whom He hath receiu'd a greater blow at home 62 Of two Welsh Gentlemen I Heard among some other pretty Tales How once there were two Gentlemen of Wales Of Noble bloud discended of his House That from our Ladies gowne did take a Louse These two thus goes the tale vpon a day Did hap to trauell vpon London way â—nd for 't was cumbersome to weare a boote â—or their more ease they needs would walke afoote Their fare was dainty and of no small cost â—or euery meale they call'd for bak't and rost â—nd lest they should their best apparell lacke Each of them bore his Wardrobe at his backe Their Arrant was but sore against their wils â—o Westminster to speake with Master Milles. â—o maruell men of such a sumptuous Dyet Were brought into the Star-chamber for a Ryot These Squires one night arriued at a towne To looke their lodgings when the Sun was downe And for the Inne-keeper his gates had locked â—n haste like men of some account they knocked The drowsie Chamberlaine doth aske who 's there They told that Gentlemen of Wales they were How many quoth the man is there
is great and still endures That oft it worketh admirable cures The barren by their vertue haue conceiu'd The weake and sick haue health strength receiu'd And many Cripples that came thither carried Go sound froÌ„ thence when they a while haue tarried But yet one cure on Marcus lately showne My Muse doth thinke most worthy to be known For while he bathes with Gascoyne wines Spanish Thereby old aches from his lymmes to banish Hunts after youthfull company entycing Them to the sports of bowling carding dycing His wantonnesse breeds want his want enforces Marcus by one and one sell all his horses Lo how the Bathe hath searcht his sicknes roote He can nay more he must goe thence afoote 8 Of a Lady that sought remedy at the Bathe A Lady that none name nor blame none hath Came the last yeere with others to the Bathe Her person comely was good was her feature In beauty grace and speech a louely creature Now as the Lady in the water staid A plaine man fell a talking with her maid That lean'd vpon the rayle and askt the reason Why that faire Lady vs'd the Bathe that season Whether 't were lamenesse or defect in hearing Or some more inward euill not appearing No said the Maid to him beleeue it well That my faire Mistris sound is as a Bell. But of her comming this is true occasion An old Physician mou'd her by perswasion These Bathes haue power to strengthen that debility That doth in man or woman breed sterrilitie Tush said the man with plaine short discourse Your Mistris might haue tane a better course Let her to Oxford to the Vniuersitie Where yong Phisicians are and such diuersitie Of toward spirits that in all acts proceede Much fitter then the Bathe is for the deede No no that will not serue the Maid replide For her that Physike hath already tride 9 To Sir Morris Barkly YOur father gaue me once a Dormant warrant But sending at Saint Iames tide to the keeper My men came backe as from a sleeuelesse Arrant And in a boxe I laid my warrant sleeper You Noble Sir that are his heyre apparant Will giue henceforth I hope a waking Warrant 10 Of Faustus the Fault-finder OF all my Verses Faustus still complaines I writ them carelesly and why forsooth Because he saith they goe so plaine and smooth It showes that I for them ne're beat my braines I that mens errors neuer loue to sooth Said they that say so may be thought but noddies For sample marke said I your Mistris bodies That sit so square and smooth down to her raines That that â—â—ne waste that wealth and wit doth waste Thinke you her Taylor wrought it vp in haste No aske him and hee le say he tooke more paines Then with old Ellens double-welted frock That sits like an old felt on a new block Who cannot write ill iudge of Writers vaines The worke of Taylers hands and Writers wits Was hardest wrought when as it smoothest sits 11 Of an ill Physician for the body that became a worse Surgeon for the soule A Certaine Mountebanke or paltry Leach Finding his Physick furdred not his thrift Thought with himselfe to find some further drift And though the skill were farre aboue his reach He needs would proue a Priest and falls to preach But patching Sermons with a sorry shift As needs they must that ere they learne will teach At last some foes so neerely doe him sift And of such words and deeds did him appeach As from his Liuing quite they did him lift And of the Patron straight they begd the gift And so the Mountebanke did ouer-reach Who when he found he was pursu'd so swift Gaue place vnto so sharpe and fierce a breach Shutting vp all with this shrewd muttering speach Well though said he my Liuing I haue lost Yet many a good mans life this losse shall cost A stander by that would be thought officious Straight as an heynous matter of complaint Doth with his speech the Iustices acquaint Alleaging as it seem'd indeed suspicious That to the State his meaning was pernitious The Leech thus touched with so shrewd a Taint Yet in his looke nor answer did nor faint Protesting that his mind was not malicious But if the course that he must take be vicious He flat affirmed it was curst constraint â—or of my Liuing hauing lost possession â— must said he turne to my first profession In which I know too well for want of skill My Medicines will many a man kill 12 Of Sir Philip Sydney â—F that be true the latter Prouerbe sayes â— Laudari à laudatis is most praise â—ydney thy works in Fames bookes are enrold â—y Princes pennes that haue thy works extold Whereby thy name shall dure to endlesse dayes â—ut now if rules of contrary should hold â—hen I poore I were drownd in deepe dispraise Whose works base Writers haue so much debased That Lynus dares pronounce them all defaced 13 Of impudent Lynus NOt any learning Lynus no God knowes But thy brute boldnes made some to suppose That thou might'st haue been bred in Brazen-nose A murren on thy pate 't would doe thee grace So were thine head so arm'd in euery place A Steele scull Copper nose and Brazen face 14 Against an vnthrifty Lynus MAny men maruaile Lynus doth not thriue That had more trades then any man aliue As first a Broker then a Petty-fogger A Traueller a Gamster and a Cogger A Coyner a Promoter and a Bawde A Spy a Practicer in euery fraude And missing thrift by these lewd trades and sinister He takes the best yet proues the worst a Minister 15 Of Faustus I Find in Faustus such an alteration He giues to Paulus wondrous commendation Is Paulus late to him waxt friendly No. But sure poore Faustus faine would haue it so 16 Of a deuout Vsurer A Merchant hearing that great Preacher SMITH Preach against Vsury that art of byting The Sermon done embrac'd the man forth-with Vnto his bord most friendly him inuiting A friend of his hoping some sweet aspersion Of grace would moue him to some restitution Wist him in token of his full Conuersion Release some Debters held in Execution Foole said he thinke you I le leaue my trade No but I thinke this Preacher learn'd and painefull Because the more from it he doth perswade 'T is like to proue to me more sweet and gainefull Was euer Iew of Malta or of Millain Then this most damned Iew more Iewish villain 17 Of a reformed Brother IN studying Scriptures hearing Sermons oft Thy mind is growne so plyable and soft That though none can attaine to true perfection Thy works come neere the words of their direction Thy counsell oft to fast and euer pray Thou louest oft to feast and euer play â—ackcloth and Cinders they aduise to vse â—ack Cloues and Sugar thou wouldst haue to chuse â—hey wish our works and life should shine like light Thy workes and all thy life is passing light They bid
beautious building After awhile leaue off his busie buying â—et all the while he liues but like a hilding â—is head growes gray with fresh vexations toyling â—ell Cosmus I beleeue your heire doth smile â—o thinke what you will doe after awhile For sure the Prouerbe is more true then ciuill Blest is the sonne whose Sire goes to the Diuell 49 Of neate Galla. THe pride of Galla now is growne so great She seekes to be surnam'd Galla the neat But who their merits shall and manners scan May thinke the terme is due to her good man Ask you Which way Methinks your wits are dull My Shoomakes resolue you can at full Neats Leather is both Oxe-hide Cow and Bull. 50 Of reuersing an error I Did you wrong at least you did suppose For taxing certaine faults of yours in Prose But now I haue the same in Ryme reherst My error nay your error is reuerst 51 Of good Sauce I Went to suppe with Cinna tother night And to say true for giue the diuell his right Though scant of meat we could a morsell get Yet there with store of passing sauce we met You aske what sauce where pittance was so small This Is not hunger the best sauce of all 52 Of a slaunder ON Lesbya Lynus raysed had a slander For which wheÌ„ as she thought to take an actioÌ„ Yet by request she tooke this satisfaction That being drunke his tongue did idly wander Came this from Viderit vtilitas Or else from this In Vino veritas 53 Of a Lady early vp LEsbya that wonted was to sleepe till noone This other morning stirring was at fiue What did she meane thinke you to rise so soone I doubt we shall not haue her long aliue Yes neuer feare it there is no such danger It seemes vnto her course you be a stranger For why a dauncing banquetting and play And at Carowsing many a costly cup She sate the night before vntill t was day And by that meane you found her early vp Oh was it so why then the case is cleere That she was early vp and ne're the neere The end of the third Booke Sir IOHN HARRINGTONS Epigrams the fourth Booke 1 To an ill Reader THe verses Sextus thou doost read are mine But with bad reading thou wilt make theÌ„ thine 2 In lectorem inuidum WHo reades our verse with visage sowre and grim I wish him enuy me none enuy him 3 Of Table friends YOu thinke his faith is firme his friendship stable Whose first acquaintance grew but at your Table â—e loues your venison snytes quailes larks not you â—ake me such fare and take my friendship too 4 The Authour to his wife of partition SOme Ladies with their Lords diuide their state And liue so when they list at seuerall rate But I 'le endure thee Mall on no condition To sue with me a writ of such partition Twice seuen yeeres since most solemnly I vow'd With all my worldly goods I thee endow'd Then house plate stuffe not part but all is thine Yet so that thou and they and all are mine Then let me goe and sue my writ of dotage If I with thee part house or close or cottage For where this is my Lords and that my Ladies There some perhaps think likewise of their babieâ— 5 Of Treason TReason doth neuer prosper what 's the reason For if it prosper none dare call it Treason 6 Of the warres in Ireland I Prays'd the speech but cannot now abide it That war is sweet to those that haue not try'd it For I haue prou'd it now and plainely see 't It is so sweet it maketh all things sweet At home Canarie wines and Greeke grow lothsome Here milke is Nectar water tasteth toothsome There without bak't rost boyld it is no cheere Bisket we like and Bonny Clabo heere There we complaine of one reare rosted chicke Heere viler meat worse cookt ne're makes me sicke At home in silken spaâ—uers beds of Downe We scant can rest but still tosse vp and downe Heere I can sleepe a saddle to my pillow A hedge the Curtaine Canopy a Willow There if a child but cry oh what a spite Heere we can brooke three larums in one night There homely roomes must be perfum'd with Roses Here match and powder ne're offends our noses There from a storme of raine we run like Pullets Heere we stand fast against a showre of bullets Lo then how greatly their opinions erre That thinke there is no great delight in warre But yet for this sweet warre I le be thy debter I shall for euer loue my home the better 7 Of Women learned in the tongues YOu wisht me to a wife faire rich and young That had the Latine French and Spanish tongue I thank't and told you I desir'd none such And said One Language may be tongue too much Then loue I not the learned yes as my life A learned mistris not a learned wife 8 The Author to his wife of the twelue Signes how they gouerne MArke here my Mall how in this dozen lines Thus placed are the twelue celestiall Signes And first the Ram beares rule in head and face The stiffe-neckt Bull in neck doth hold his place And Twins mine armes and hands do both imbrace Then Cancer keepes the small ribs and the brest And Leo back and heart hath aye possest Then Virgo claimes the entrailes and the panch Libra the nauell reynes and either hanch Scorpio pretends power in the priuy parts Both thighes are pierst with Sagitaries darts Then Capricorne to knees his force doth send Aquarius doth to legges his vertue lend Pisces beneath vnto the feet discend Thus each part is possest now tell me Mall Where lies thy part in which of these In all In all content Yet sure thou art more iealous Of Leo's part and Scorpio's then their fellowes 9 Against Swearing IN elder times an ancient custome was To sweare in weighty matters by the Masse But when the Masse went downe as old men note They sware then by the crosse of this same grote And when the Crosse was likewise held in scorne Then by their faith the common oath was sworne Last hauing sworne away all faith and troth Only God dam'n them is their common oath Thus custome kept decorum by gradation That losing Masse Crosse Faith they find damnation 10 Of little pitie WHen noble Essex Blount and Danuers died One saw them suffer that had heard them tried And sighing said When such braue souldiers dye Isâ—t not great pitie thinke you No said I There is no man of sense in all the citie Will say 'T is great but rather little pitie 11 Of a Booke called the Gentle Craft I Past this other day through Pauls Church-yard And heard some reade a booke and reading laught The title of the booke was Gentle Craft But when I markt the matter with regard A new-sprung branch that in my minde did graft And thus I said Sirs scorne not him that writ it A gilded blade hath oft a
dudgeon haft And well I see this writer roues a shaft Neere fairest marke yet happily not hit it For neuer was the like booke sold in Poules If so with Gentle Craft it could perswade Great Princes midst their pompe to learne a tradâ— Once in their liues to worke to mend their souleâ— 12 Of the games that haue beene in request at the Court. I Heard one make a pretty Obseruation How games haue in the Court turn'd with the fashion The first game was the best when free from crime The Courtly gamesters all were in their prime The second game was Post vntill with posting They paid so fast 't was time to leaue their boasting Then thirdly follow'd heauing of the Maw A game without Ciuility or Law An odious play and yet in Court oft seene A sawcy knaue to trump both King and Queene Then follow'd Lodam hand to hand or quarter At which some maids so ill did keep the Quarter That vnexpected in a short abode They could not cleanly beare away their load Now Noddy follow'd next as well it might Although it should haue gone before of right At which I saw I name not any body One neuer had the knaue yet laid for Noddy The last game now in vse is Bankerupt Which will be plaid at still I stand in doubt Vntill Lauolta turne the wheele of time And make it come about againe to Prime 13 The Author to Queene Elizabeth in praise of her reading FOr euer deare for euer dreaded Prince You read a verse of mine a little since â—nd so pronounst each word and euery letter â—our Gracious reading grac't my verse the better â—ith then your Highnes doth by gift exceeding Make what you read the better in your reading Let my poore Muse your paines thus far importune To leaue to read my verse and read my fortune 14 Of King Henries wooing VNto a stately great outlandish Dame A Messenger from our King Henry came â— Henry of famous memory the eight â—o treat with her in matter of great weight â—s namely how the King did seeke her marriage â—ecause of her great vertue and good carriage â—he that had heard the King lou'd change of pasture â—â—pli'de I humbly thanke the King your Master And would such loue his fame in me hath bred My body venter so but not my head 15 Two witty answers of Bishop Bonner BOnner that late had Bishop beene of London Was bid by one Good morrow Bishop quondam He with the scoffe no whit put out of temper Reply'd incontinent Adieu knaue Semper Another in such kinde of scoffing speeches Would beg his tippet needs to line his breeches Not so quoth he but it may be thy hap To haue a foolish head to line thy cap. 16 Of Lynus borrowing LYnus came late to me sixe crownes to borrow And sware God damn him hee 'd repai't to morrow I knew his word as currant as his band And straight I gaue to him three crownes in hand This I to giue this he to take was willing And thus he gaind and I sau'd fifteene shilling 17 A good answere of the Poet Dant to an Atheist THe pleasant learn'd Italian Poet Dant Hearing an Atheist at the Scriptures iest Askt him in iest which was the greatest beast He simply said he thought an Elephant Then Elephant quoth Dant it were commodious That thou wouldst hold thy peace or get thee hence Breeding our Conscience scandall and offence With thy prophan'd speech most vile and odious Oh Italy thou breedst but few such Dants I would our England bred no Elephants 18 Of Quintus almes WHen Quintus walketh out into the street As soone as with some begger he doth meete Ere that poore soule to aske his almes hath leasure He first doth chafe and sweare beyond all measure And for the Beadle all about he sends To beare him to Bridewell so he pretends The Begger quickly out of sight doth goe â—ull glad in heart he hath escaped so Then Quintus laughes and thinks it is lesse charges To sweare an oath or two then giue a larges 19 Of Marcus his drunken feasting WHen Marcus makes as oft he doth a feast The Wine still costs him more then all the rest Were water in this towne as deare as hay His horses should not long at liuery stay â—ut tell me is 't not a most foolish tricke â—o drinke to others healths till thou be sicke â—et such the fashion is of Bacchus crue â—o quaffe and bowze vntill they belch and spue Well leaue it Marcus else thy drinking health Will proue an eating to thy wit and wealth 20 A good iest of a Crow A Baron and a Knight one day walking On Richmond greene as they were in talking A Crow that lighted on the raile by Fortune Stood becking and cry'd kaw with noise importune This bird the Baron said doth you salute Sir Knight as if to you he had some sute Not vnto me the Knight reply'd in pleasance 'T is to some Lord he makes so low obeysance 21 Of kissing the foote A Courtier kinde in speech curst in condition Finding his fault could be no longer hidden Went to his friend to cleere his hard suspition And fearing lest he might be more then chidden Fell to a flattering and most base submission Vowing to kisse his foote if he were bidden My foote said he that were too submisse But three foote higher you deserue to kisse 22 Of a sawcy Cator A Cator had of late some wild-fowle bought And when vnto his Master them he brought Forthwith the Master smelling nigh the rump Said Out thou knaue these sauour of the pump The man that was a rude and sawcy Lout What Sir said he smell you them thereabout Smell your faire Lady there and by your fauour Your fortune may meete with a fulsome sauour 23 Of a certaine Man THere was not certain when a certaine preacher That neuer learn'd and yet became a Teacher Who hauing read in Latine thus a Text Of erat quidam homo much perplext He seem'd the same with study great to scan In English thus there was a certaine man But now quoth he good people note you this He saith there was he doth not say there is For in these daies of ours it is most certaine Of promise oth word deed no man is certaine Yet by my text you see it comes to passe That surely once a certaine man there was But yet I thinke in all your Bible no man Can finde this text there was a certaine woman 24 Of Lesbia OLd widdow Lesbia after husbands fiue Yet feeleth Cupids flames in her reuiue And now she takes a gallant youth and trim Alas for her nay nay alas for him 25 The horne Cinquâ—-apace WHo wishes hopes and thinks his wife is true To him one horne or vnicorne is due Who sees his wife play false and will not spy it He hath two hornes and yet he may deny it The man that can indure when all men scorne And pardon open