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A13666 A short inuentory of certayne idle inuentions the fruites of a close and secret garden of great ease, and litle pleasure. By C.T. Thimelthorpe, C. 1581 (1581) STC 23952.3; ESTC S111413 51,625 158

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lyke so well as I procurde it to the presse with this title as you see and thought it as a tokē worthy to send vnto you to read whether beyng led there unto by the greate good affection I bare to the maker or by desart of the matter I know not but wel wee both know it is the naturall incliation of friendes one alwayes to thinke the best of an other Therefore as I know the first inuentor hereof ment nothing lesse then to put this forth to the publicke construction of the world to hasarde or aduenture the allowing or disalowing therof I wil not take vponme to geue out any showe of commendatiō therin at all Fyrst because I knowe it was not made to that intente and besydes least if it should happen to be cōdempned of others as a vayne and tryfling toy I should therewith also be condempned to haue made a partiall and vnworthye prayse But syr if you can rightly consider it as by the least byrde that flyes in the ayre by the least fish that swims in the Sea and by the smallest worme that creepes vpon the earth The omnipotent mighty power of God doth as fully playne appeare as by the hougest and greatest mōsters that beares life in this worlde euen so by the smalest booke that can be written by the most babling ballet that can be made and by the least word that can be spoken his strāge and wonderful workes in mā with his most liberall and incomparable guiftes vnto thē do as perfectly set forth and shew themselues as by the greatest volume that euer was written by the wayghtyest or wysest concept that euer was made or by the most eloquente or learned oration that euer was vttered The honest wyse and ciuil man doth as little despyse the worst and meanest begger that goeth by the waye as he geeatly honoureth the cheefest greatest prince that ruleth in the world euen so here the indifferent and wel disposed myndes wil as litle trippe or spu●ne at thys stumped lame and haui●nge toy as they would greatly fawne vppon or runne after a more fyne or pleasaunt inuention But ther is an old prouerb Figulus Figulo inuidit one Potter hateth an other the which to auoyd these may be sufficiently to assure you in that I know you are a craftes man in that arte that as for this vnskilful potter this small trifle and toy is the first that euer hee made who wil not iustify it to be lawful nor good in that he was neuer prentice thereunto and for any he intendes I dare bouldly say shall be the last vnlesse it be a little cup or cruese for his owne mouth yet syr if your friendly actions hadde at anye tyme bene agreable vnto your continual colourable showes you would haue inabled him long before this by your friendly instructions worthye of your felowship and company But vnderstanding he had though to verye small and litle purpose some smacke in this your art as only to take your vessels in hand and to reade them ouer you alwayes shooke hym of demaunding a double fee for the teachinge of your skill much like to amusition who vsed to take of hysschollare which had learned before they came vnto him double soulare deuble that he toke of others which neuer learned before sayinge that hee tooke double paynes with them as fyrst to make them forget that they had learned before and then to teach them perfectlye agayne who if now he were alyue shoulde surelye fynde as small resorte of schollers as I thinke you do in that you are so curyous in your art Therfore to imagine this short and vnpleasaunte sounde here at this tyme presented vnto your audable and pleasaunt eares to be but as a preludium vnto other conceytes that he wil stryue to marre your markets with any such lyke rough hewen or mishapen vessels it shal be in vayn for be intendes nothig lesse And as for this small conceipt here at this tyme being cast in a very litle mould wherin great want of an artifitial workman must needes appeare I hope you will not stryue to condemne but rather excuse though it hath neyther heade to begynne handle to houlde by nor foote to stand vpon though perhaps neare aboute the end you shall find it very imperfect and so ful of secrete chinks and litle crantse as it wil hardly hold liquor without leaking but if your graue head shal esteeme it as an ydle toy imagine it as it is the fruictes of an ydle place For phisicke sake I know you haue swallowed many vnpleasant and bitter pylles for friendship sake you may as wel at this time digest this trifling and ydle toy But if you shal answeare mee that your such Phisical rescerpts haue alwaies inforced you to vse the pap of an apple or els to roule them in suger otherwise they might haue stucke in your throate then for answeare agayne I can but aduise you for the more easy digesting of this my friendly conceipt sent onely as a token vnto you to the rest of my friendes to roule it in styd of an apple in the sott asd slyppery pappe of your gentle pattence or otherwyse in stead of a suger lofe in some sweete and sugred spice of your most frienly interpretation and in this for the old acquayntaunce of longe tyme continued betweene vs I hope I shal not fayle but misse of your willing friendly conformity and therfore now since I haue sufficiently declared vnto you the cause of the publishing herof with the dispositiō and intent of the deuisor and least I shoulde make this my foretrottīg shew or preamble which rightly should be but a breefe declaration of what is to come longer then this his whole rase which is very short and consideryng my old lesson worthy in euery act to be remembred and obserued quod satis est sufficit I commend me vnto you you vnto God and these few lines following vnto your friendly construction Your assured friend VVilliam VVouldwell A SHORT PRELVDIVM to the friendly Reader Interpone tuis interdum ga●dia curis TO mingle mirth sometymes vvith care and vsyng neither of them to much Preserues thy body vvel in health it keepes thy mynd in perfect state To glutte in sorrovv day and night from day to day from yeare to yeare Thou drovvnst thy selfe in drousy moodes it syngles thee from all thy vvites The hotchpot for varietyes sake is oft accepted of the best And taken as a daynty dish if kyndly mixt vvith diuers tastes Resceites of all preseruatiues vvhere shall you fynde more fyt for health Then vvher the skilful mixtures be in dayly practise to be made A sugred svveete and syluer sound the musicke mixt doth alvvayes yeeld VVith harmony so heauenly vvherein no man but greatly ioyes And here to make a vvindovv fight out of my mynd novv to your eyes Since mixtures make all thinges so good let this my hotchpot beare no blame A flickeryng
place where it shal appeare must needs be free and cleere of al company otherwise it will shew it selfe but as a playne and common star without any blasing or stemming at all Perhappes I haue appoynted secretlye to see some tumbling cast with some pleasant and mery slayghtes of iugling trickes and to draw more nerer vnto natural playne vnderstāding not vnlike but I haue appoynted to kis some pretye wench in a corner and now admittyng al this to be true as in many men it is daily seene would any of my friendes or acquayntance blame me to shew thē cunningly some colour of desire to craue for a time rather their roumth then their company I thinke none There is also an other kynd of people which do likewise and very often cunningly craue the riddaunce of company which be in the English frase the cormugions and couetous carles of this worlde their natural disposition is fyrst to scramble and scratch togeather if he cā a liuing equal with the best yeman gentleman or squyre in his countrey then stryuing to shroude himselfe vnder some ragged little cottage to serue no further then onely for necessity or if a large or fayre house then keeping his dores continually shut as though neuer at home contenting hymselse willinglye and all his houshold perforce with a sparinge and pinching dyet doth chiefly feede and altogeather delight himselfe with the oft telling and cōtinual sight of his money as young men commonly do themselues in the sight of their louers And now admit some young heads and merye companions knowing his abilitye vnderstāding his miserable beggerly mind husying their brayns cūningly to work him som slayghty prety slipry trick doe agree among thēselues vpon some high festiual day knowing that thē perhaps he hath a peece of biefe a calues ●●ad or an oxe foote in the pot do apoint ● meeting of many neighbours the verye same tyme to dyne with him bidden by a messenger in very good due order as though very sollomly biddē by him then dinner time drawing nere seruice beyng done euery man departinge to his house this pore miserable wretched miser doth sit stil in his seate fearing greatly that if sodaynly he should thronge or presse out among the thickest some or other would so cūingly minister such occation of talke with him as eyther to shame him or els to inforce him home to dinner but after a whyle looking oftentymes backward ouer his shoulder and spying some stil remaynig behynd not musing a litle at the meanig therof at lēgth rise th vp pulling his cap in his eyes passeth away by thē sneaking as though he had nothinge to say or meddle with any of them all but then euerye man rysinge vp with him greatly to his admiratiō and honoring him with cap and legge accepting that hys gesture as a stately and graue behauiour in him Some of them acco●pany him check by cheek with friend●y commendation and great thankes for his vnwonted and friendly curtesy and the rest following after hard vppon his heeles playnly to his sight intendinge to accompany him home to dynner as they thinke like bidden and welcome guestes but as he thinkes like mallape●t impudent and sausy marchaunts if now it were possible to beholde euen at this instant with our outward eyes the strange thoughts and ymaginatiōs of this pore distressed and miserable miser I think the meriest company of stage players that might be founde in a coūtrey would hardly make more sport then he him selfe would do alone for to see how glummishly hee glyeth aside like a bere at a s●ake and how manye stoppes and turnes he makes before he comes home and how priuily he bāneth them wishing the Deuill and his dam to choke them all the sight thereof no doubt if it were possible one horse face might laugh at an other woulde make any horse in the world to break his halter I can but wish that I hadde eyther Apelles or Zeuxes skil in the science of paynting and that I could as perfectly paynt him with his countenaunce according to my imagination as Zeuxes paynted his grapes or as Apelles his sheete which were so cunninglye done on both partes as euer since to bee had in great estimation but neuer to bee paternd the one of them Zeuxes as our bookes do report amonge many other of his notable workes paynted as before named a naked boy with a būch of grapes as though growing vpon his shoulders which were so perfite to the outward sight as the very byrdes of the ayre came and lited vppon the boyes shoulder continually picked vpon the grapes and though they found no sa● yet as appeared by their oft resort they could not be perswaded but the grapes they must needes bee and in that they could neuer pick out any iuice they seemed rather to impute it to the bluntnes of the bylles then to the drynesse of the grapes for they went continually to a stone which was fast by and alwayes whet their bylles and so still continued their resort vntil it was taken awaye The other paynter Apelles hearing of this excellent peece of worke destred Zeuxes that a day might be appoynted of meetinge betwixte them two before some gentlemen of their friendes acquaintāce and to passe away somtyme and to delight the sight of their friends desyred him to bringe of his workes what he thought good that he would do the like wherunto Zeuxes agreyng at the day appoynted among many other wonderful straūge and notable works he brought this naked boy with the grapes vppon his shoulders Apelles amonge diuers other lyke wyse very cuning and skilful works brought a table couered with a white sheete then in viewing euery man the others workes Apelle greatly commended the perfit colour and forme of the grapes nothing disalowing of al the rest then Zeuxes cōmendinge likewise no otherwyse then iust cause doth require the per●it workmāship in each point of Apelles desired after all that he would take away the white sheete which couered his table for hee would be glad if he might to see all thē Apelles smiling to hymself sayd friend Zeuxes since you are so desirous I wil not be so ingrateful as to deny you yet my meanīg was whē I first brought it not euer to vncouer it because I founde some fault with my selfe therin therfore was the more loth to show my fault vnto straungers but since you haue don all this at my request I wil not herein denye you yours therfore euen at your pleasure goe and take it of your self for I will bee loth to condempne my selfe I hadd rather an other manne shoulde condempne me Then saide Zeuxes na friende Apelles if so bee that you doubte any discredite therby I will not desire it for any money But Apelles answearinge I force not for the discredite among my frendes take it of and spare not Then Zeuxes drawing nere vnto