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ID	Title	Author	Corrected Date of Publication (TCP Date of Publication)	STC	Words	Pages
A91655	The first [second] book of the works of Mr. Francis Rabelais, Doctor in Physick, containing five books of the lives, heroick deeds, and sayings of Gargantua, and his sonne Pantagruel. Together with the Pantagrueline prognostication, the oracle of the divine Bachus, and response of the bottle. Hereunto are annexed the navigations unto the sounding isle, and the isle of the Apedests: as likewise the philosophical cream with a Limosm epistle. / All done by Mr. Francis Rabelais, in the French tongue, and now faithfully translated into English.; Gargantua et Pantagruel. English. 1653	Rabelais, François, ca. 1490-1553?; Urquhart, Thomas, Sir, 1611-1660.; Hall, John, 1627-1656.	1653 (1653)	Wing R105; Thomason E1429_1; ESTC R202203	215,621	504

I prethie go on in this torcheculaife orw ipe-bummatory discourse and by my beard I swear for one puncheon thou shalt have threescore pipes I mean of the good Breton wine not that which growes in Britain but in the good countrey of Verron Afterwards I wiped my bum said Gargantua with a kerchief with a pillow with a pantoufle with a pouch with a pannier but that was a wicked and unpleasant torchecul then with a hat of hats note that some are shorne and others shaggie some velveted others covered with taffitie's and others with sattin the best of all these is the shaggie hat for it makes a very neat abstersion of the fecal matter Afterwards I wiped my taile with a hen with a cock with a pullet with a calves skin with a hare with a pigeon with a cormorant with an Atturneyes bag with a montero with a coife with a faulconers lure but to conclude I say and maintain that of all torcheculs arsewisps bumfodders tail-napkins bunghole-cleansers and wipe-breeches there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose that is well douned if you hold her head betwixt your legs and beleeve me therein upon mine honour for you will thereby feele in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure both in regard of the softnesse of the said doune and of the temperate heat of the goose which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest of the inwards insofarre as to come even to the regions of the heart and braines and think not that the felicity of the heroes and demigods in the Elysian fields consisteth either in their Asphodele Ambrosia or Nectar as our old women here use to say but in this according to my judgement that they wipe their tailes with the neck of a goose holding her head betwixt their legs and such is the opinion of Master John of Scotland aliàs Scotus CHAP. XIV How Gargantua was taught Latine by a Sophister THe good man Grangousier having heard this discourse was ravished with admiration considering the high reach and marvellous understanding of his sonne Gargantua and said to his governesses Philip King of Macedon knew the great wit of his sonne Alexander by his skilful managing of a horse for his horse Bucephalus was so fierce and unruly that none durst adventure to ride him after that he had given to his Riders such devillish falls breaking the neck of this man the other mans leg braining one and putting another out of his jaw-bone This by Alexander being considered one day in the hippodrome which was a place appointed for the breaking and managing of great horses he perceived that the fury of the horse proceeded meerly from the feare he had of his own shadow whereupon getting on his back he run him against the Sun so that the shadow fell behinde and by that meanes tamed the horse and brought him to his hand whereby his father knowing the divine judgement that was in him caused him most carefully to be instructed by Aristotle who at that time was highly renowned above all the Philosophers of Greece after the same manner I tell you that by this only discourse which now I have here had before you with my sonne Gargantua I know that his understanding doth participate of some divinity and that if he be well taught and have that education which is fitting he will attain to a supreme degree of wisdome Therefore will I commit him to some learned man to have him indoctrinated according to his capacity and will spare no cost Presently they appointed him a great Sophister-Doctor called Master Tubal Holophernes who taught him his A B C so well that he could say it by heart backwards and about this he was five yeares and three moneths Then read he to him Donat facet theodolet and Alanus in parabolis About this he was thirteen years six moneths and two weeks but you must remark that in the mean time he did learn to write in Gottish characters and that he wrote all his books for the Art of printing was not then in use and did ordinarily carry a great pen and inkhorne weighing above seven thousand quintals that is 700000 pound weight the penner whereof was as big and as long as the great pillar of Enay and the horne was hanged to it in great iron chaines it being of the widenesse of a tun of merchand ware After that he read unto him the book de modis significandi with the Commentaries of Hurtbise of Fasquin of Tropifeu of Gualhaut of Jhon Calf of Billonio of Berlinguandus and a rabble of others and herein he spent more then eighteen yeares and eleven monethes and was so well versed in it that to try masteries in School disputes with his condisciples he would recite it by heart backwards and did sometimes prove on his fingers ends to his mother quod de modis significandi non erat scientia Then did he reade to him the compost for knowing the age of the Moon the seasons of the year and tides of the sea on which he spent sixteen yeares and two moneths and that justly at the time that his said Praeceptor died of the French Pox which was in the yeare one thousand foure hundred and twenty Afterwards he got an old coughing fellow to teach him named Master Jobelin Bride or muzled doult who read unto him Hugotio Flebard Grecisme the doctrinal the parts the quid est the supplementum Marmoretus de moribus in mensa servandis Seneca de quatuor virtutibus cardinalibus Passavantus cum commentar and dormi securè for the holy days and some other of such like mealie stuffe by reading whereof he became as wise as any we ever since baked in an Oven CHAP. XV. How Gargantua was put under other School-masters AT the last his father perceived that indeed he studied hard and that although he spent all his time in it did neverthelesse profit nothing but which is worse grew thereby foolish simple doted and blockish whereof making a heavie regret to Don Philip of Marays Viceroy or deputie-King of Papeligosse he found that it were better for him to learne nothing at all then to be taught such like books under such School-masters because their knowledge was nothing but brutishnesse and their wisdome but blunt foppish toyes serving only to bastardize good and noble spirits and to corrupt all the flower of youth That it is so take said he any young boy of this time who hath only studied two yeares if he have not a better judgement a better discourse and that expressed in better termes then your sonne with a compleater carriage and civility to all manner of persons account me for ever hereafter a very clounch and baconslicer of Brene This pleased Grangousier very well and he commanded that it should be done At night at supper the said Des Marays brought in a young page of his of Ville-gouges called Eudemon so neat so trim so handsom in his apparel so spruce with his

my Readers who peruse this Book Be not offended whil'st on it you look Denude your selves of all deprav'd affection For it containes no badnesse nor infection 'T is true that it brings forth to you no birth Of any value but in point of mirth Thinking therefore how sorrow might your minde Consume I could no apter subject finde One inch of joy surmounts of grief a span Because to laugh is proper to the man CHAP. I. Of the Genealogy and Antiquity of GAR GANTUA I Must referre you to the great Chronicle of Pantagruel for the knowledge of that Genealogy and Antiquity of race by which Gargantua is come unto us in it you may understand more at large how the Giants were born in this world and how from them by a direct line issued Gargantua the father of Pantagruel and do not take it ill if for this time I passe by it although the subject be such that the oftener it were remembered the more it would please your worshipfull Seniorias according to which you have the authority of Plato in Philebo and Gorgias and of Flaccus who saies that there are some kindes of purposes such as these are without doubt which the frequentlier they be repeated still prove the more delectable Would to God every one had as certaine knowledge of his Genealogy since the time of the Arke of Noah untill this age I think many are at this day Emperours Kings Dukes Princes and Popes on the earth whose extraction is from some porters and pardon-pedlars as on the contrary many are now poor wandring beggars wretched and miserable who are descended of the blood and lineage of great Kings and Emperours occasioned as I conceive it by the transport and revolution of Kingdomes and Empires from the Assyrians to the Medes from the Medes to the Persians from the Persians to the Macedonians from the Macedonians to the Romans from the Romans to the Greeks from the Greeks to the French c. And to give you some hint concerning my self who speaks unto you I cannot think but I am come of the race of some rich King or Prince in former times for never yet saw you any man that had a greater desire to be a King and to be rich then I have and that onely that I may make good chear do nothing nor care forany thing and plentifully enrich my friends and all honest and learned men but herein do I comfort my self that in the other world I shall be so yea and greater too then at this present I dare wish as for you with the same or a better conceit consolate your selves in your distresses and drink fresh if you can come by it To returne to our weathers I say that by the sovereign gift of heaven the Antiquity and Genealogy of Gargantua hath been reserved for our use more full and perfect then any other except that of the Messias whereof I mean not to speak for it belongs not unto my purpose and the Devils that is to say the false accusers and dissembled gospellers will therein oppose me This Genealogy was found by John Andrew in a meadow which he had near the Pole-arch under the Olive-tree as you go to Marsay where as he was making cast up some ditches the diggers with their mattocks struck against a great brazen tomb and unmeasurably long for they could never finde the end thereof by reason that it entered too farre within the Sluces of Vienne opening this Tomb in a certain place thereof sealed on the top with the mark of a goblet about which was written in Hetrurian letters HIC BIBITUR They found nine Flaggons set in such order as they use to ranke their kyles in Gasconie of which that which was placed in the middle had under it a big fat great gray pretty small mouldy little pamphlet smelling stronger but no better then Roses In that book the said Genealogy was found written all at length in a Chancery hand not in paper not in parchment nor in wax but in the bark of an elme-tree yet so worne with the long tract of time that hardly could three letters together be there perfectly discerned I though unworthy was sent for thither and with much help of those Spectacles whereby the art of reading dim writings and letters that do not clearly appear to the sight is practised as Aristotle teacheth it did translate the book as you may see in your pantagruelising that is to say in drinking stifly to your own hearts desire and reading the dreadful and horrifick acts of Pantagruel at the end of the book there was a little Treatise entituled the Antidoted Fanfreluches or a Galimatia of extravagant conceits The rats and mothes or that I may not lie other wicked beasts had nibled off the beginning the rest I have hereto subjoyned for the reverence I beare to antiquity THE Antidoted Fanfreluches Or A Galimatia of extravagant conceits found in an ancient Monument No sooner did the Cymbrians overcommer Pass through the air to shun the dew of summer But at his coming streight great tubs were fill'd With pure fresh Butter down in showers distill'd Wherewith when water'd was his Grandam heigh A loud he cryed Fish it Sir I pray ye Because his beard is almost all beray'd Or that he would hold to 'm a scale he pray'd To lick his slipper some told was much better Then to gaine pardons and the merit greater In th' interim a crafty chuff approaches From the depth issued where they fish for Roches Who said Good sirs some of them let us save The Eele is here and in this hollow cave You 'll finde if that our looks on it demurre A great wast in the bottome of his furre To read this Chapter when he did begin Nothingbut a calves hornes were found therein I feel quoth he the Miter which doth hold My head so chill it makes my braines take cold Being with the perfume of a Turnup warm'd To stay by chimney hearths himself he arm'd Provided that a new thill horse they made Of every person of a hair-braind head They talked of the bunghole of Saint Knowles Of Gilbathar and thousand other holes If they might be reduc'd t' a scarry stuffe Such as might not be subject to the cough Since ev'ry man unseemly did it finde To see them gaping thus at ev'ry winde For if perhaps they handsomely were clos'd For pledges they to men might be expos'd In this arrest by Hercules the Raven Was flayd at her returne from Lybia haven Why am not I said Minos there invited Unlesse it be my self not one 's omitted And then it is their minde I do no more Of Frogs and Oysters send them any store In case they spare my life and prove but civil I give their sale of distaffs to the Devil To quell him comes Q. R. who limping frets At the safe passe of trixie Crackarets The boulter the grand Cyclops cousin those Did massacre whil'st each one wip'd his nose Few ingles in this

Gargantua unto a better course the said Physician purged him canonically with Anticyrian ellebore by which medicine he cleansed all the alteration and perverse habitude of his braine By this meanes also Ponocrates made him forget all that he had learned under his ancient Praeceptors as Timothie did to his disciples who had been instructed under other Musicians To do this the better they brought him into the company of learned men which were there in whose imitation he had a great desire and affection to study otherwayes and to improve his parts Afterwards he put himself into such a road and way of studying that he lost not any one houre in the day but employed all his time in learning and honest knowledge Gargantua awaked them about foure a clock in the morning whilest they were in rubbing of him there was read unto him some chapter of the holy Scripture aloud and clearly with a pronunciation fit for the matter and hereunto was appointed a young page borne in Basche named Anagnostes according to the purpose and argument of that lesson he oftentimes gave himself to worship adore pray and send up his supplications to that good God whose Word did shew his majesty and marvellous judgement Then went he unto the secret places to make excretion of his natural digestions there his Master repeated what had been read expounding unto him the most obscure and difficult points in returning they considered the face of the sky if it was such as they had observed it the night before and into what signes the Sun was entering as also the Moon for that day This done he was apparelled combed curled trimmed and perfumed during which time they repeated to him the lessons of the day before he himself said them by heart and upon them would ground some practical cases concerning the estate of man which he would prosecute sometimes two or three houres but ordinarily they ceased assoon as he was fully clothed Then for three good houres he had a lecture read unto him This done they went forth still conferring of the substance of the lecture either unto a field near the University called the Brack or unto the medowes where they played at the ball the long-tennis and at the Piletrigone which is a play wherein we throw a triangular piece of iron at a ring to passe it most gallantly exercising their bodies as formerly they had done their mindes All their play was but in liberty for they left off when they pleased and that was commonly when they did sweat over all their body or were otherwayes weary Then were they very well wiped and rubbed shifted their shirts and walking soberly went to see if dinner were ready Whilest they stayed for that they did clearly and eloquently pronounce some sentences that they had retained of the lecture in the mean time Master Appetite came and then very orderly sate they down at table at the beginning of the meale there was read some pleasant history of the warlike actions of former times until he had taken a glasse of wine Then if they thought good they continued reading or began to discourse merrily together speaking first of the vertue propriety efficacy and nature of all that was served in at the table of bread of wine of water of salt of fleshes fishes fruits herbs roots and of their dressing by meanes whereof he learned in a little time all the passages competent for this that were to be found in Plinie Athenaeus Dioscorides Julius Pollux Galen Porphirie Oppian Polybius Heliodore Aristotle Elian and others Whilest they talked of these things many times to be the more certain they caused the very books to be brought to the table and so well and perfectly did he in his memory retain the things abovesaid that in that time there was not a Physician that knew half so much as he did Afterwards they conferred of the lessons read in the morning and ending their repast with some conserve or marmelade of quinces he pick't his teeth with mastick tooth-pickers wash't his hands and eyes with faire fresh water and gave thanks unto God in some fine Canticks made in praise of the divine bounty and munificence This done they brought in cards not to play but to learn a thousand pretty tricks and new inventions which were all grounded upon Arithmetick by this meanes he fell in love with that numerical science and every day after dinner and supper he past his time in it as pleasantly as he was wont to do at cardes and dice so that at last he understood so well both the Theory and Practical part thereof that Tunstal the Englishman who had written very largely of that purpose confessed that verily in comparison of him he had no skill at all And not only in that but in the other Mathematical Sciences as Geometrie Astronomie Musick c. for in waiting on the concoction and attending the digestion of his food they made a thousand pretty instruments and Geometrical figures did in some measure practise the Astronomical canons After this they recreated themselves with singing musically in foure or five parts or upon a set theme or ground at random as it best pleased them in matter of musical instruments he learned to play upon the Lute the Virginals the Harp the Allman Flute with nine holes the Viol and the Sackbut This houre thus spent and digestion finished he did purge his body of natural excrements then betook himself to his principal study for three houres together or more as well to repeat his matutinal lectures as to proceed in the book wherein he was as also to write handsomly to draw and forme the Antick and Romane letters This being done they went out of their house and with them a young Gentleman of Touraine named the Esquire Gymnast who taught him the Art of riding changing then his clothes he rode a Naples courser a Dutch roussin a Spanish gennet a barded or trapped steed then a light fleet horse unto whom he gave a hundred carieres made him go the high saults bounding in the aire free the ditch with a skip leap over a stile or pale turne short in a ring both to the right and left hand There he broke not his lance for it is the greatest foolery in the world to say I have broken ten lances at tilt or in fight a Carpenter can do even as much but it is a glorious and praise-worthy action with one lance to break and overthrow ten enemies therefore with a sharp stiffe strong and well-steeled lance would he usually force up a door pierce a harnesse beat down a tree carry away the ring lift up a cuirasier saddle with the male-coat and gantlet all this he did in compleat armes from head to foot As for the prancing flourishes and smacking popismes for the better cherishing of the horse commonly used in riding none did them better then he The cavallerize of Ferrara was but as an Ape compared to him He was singularly skilful in

leaping nimbly from one horse to another without putting foot to ground and these horses were called desultories he could likewise from either side with a lance in his hand leap on horseback without stirrups and rule the horse at his pleasure without a bridle for such things are useful in military engagements Another day he exercised the battel-axe which he so dextrously wielded both in the nimble strong and smooth management of that weapon and that in all the feats practiseable by it that he past Knight of Armes in the field and at all Essayes Then tost he the pike played with the two-handed sword with the backsword with the spanish tuck the dagger poiniard armed unarmed with a buckler with a cloak with a targuet Then would he hunt the Hart the Roe-buck the Beare the fallow Deer the wilde Boare the Hare the Phesant the Partridge and the Bustard He played at the baloon and made it bound in the aire both with fist and foot He wrestled ran jumped not at three steps and a leap called the hops nor at clochepied called the Hares leap nor yet at the Almanes for said Gymnast these jumps are for the warres altogether unprofitable and of no use but at one leap he would skip over a ditch spring over a hedge mount six paces upon a wall ramp and grapple after this fashion up against a window of the full height of a lance He did swim in deep waters on his belly on his back sidewise with all his body with his feet only with one hand in the air wherin he held a book crossing thus the bredth of the river of Seine without wetting it and dragged along his cloak with his teeth as did Julius Caesar then with the help of one hand he entred forcibly into a boat from whence he cast himself again headlong into the water sounded the depths hollowed the rocks and plunged into the pits and gulphs Then turned he the boat about governed it led it swiftly or slowly with the stream and against the stream stopped it in its course guided it with one hand and with the other laid hard about him with a huge great Oare hoised the saile hied up along the mast by the shrouds ran upon the edge of the decks set the compasse in order tackled the boulins and steer'd the helme Coming out of the water he ran furiously up against a hill and with the same alacrity and swiftnesse ran down again he climbed up at trees like a cat and leaped from the one to the other like a squirrel he did pull down the great boughes and branches like another Milo then with two sharp well-steeled daggers and two tried bodkins would he run up by the wall to the very top of a house like a cat then suddenly came down from the top to the bottom with such an even composition of members that by the fall he would catch no harme He did cast the dart throw the barre put the stone practise the javelin the boar-spear or partisan and the halbard he broke the strongest bowes in drawing bended against his breast the greatest crosse-bowes of steele took his aime by the eye with the hand-gun and shot well traversed and planted the Canon shot at but-marks at the papgay from below upwards or to a height from above downwards or to adescent then before him sidewise and behinde him like the Parthians They tied a cable-rope to the top of a high Tower by one end whereof hanging near the ground he wrought himself with his hands to the very top Then upon the same tract came down so sturdily and firme that you could not on a plaine meadow have run with more assurance They set up a great pole fixed upon two trees there would he hang by his hands and with them alone his feet touching at nothing would go back and sore along the foresaid rope with so great swiftnesse that hardly could one overtake him with running and then to exercise his breast and lungs he would shout like all the Devils in hell I heard him once call Eudemon from St. Victors gate to Monmartre Stentor had never such a voyce at the siege of Troy Then for the strengthening of his nerves or sinewes they made him two great sows of lead each of them weighing eight thousand and seven hundred kintals which they called Alteres those he took up from the ground in each hand one then lifted them up over his head and held them so without stirring three quarters of an hour and more which was an inimitable force he fought at Barriers with the stoutest and most vigorous Champions and when it came to the cope he stood so sturdily on his feet that he abandoned himself unto the strongest in case they could remove him from his place as Milo was wont to do of old in whose imitation likewise he held a Pomgranat in his hand to give it unto him that could take it from him The time being thus bestowed and himself rubbed cleansed wiped and refresht with other clothes he returned fair and softly and passing through certain meadows or other grassie places beheld the trees and plants comparing them with what is written of them in the books of the Ancients such as Theophrast Dioscorides Marinus Plinie Nicander Macer and Galen and carried home to the house great handfuls of them whereof a young Page called Rizotomos had charge together with little Mattocks Pickaxes Grubbing-hooks Cabbies Pruning-knives and other instruments requisite for herborising Being come to their lodging whilest supper was making ready they repeated certain passages of that which hath been read and sate down at table Here remark that his dinner was sober and thrifty for he did then eat only to prevent the gnawings of his stomack but his supper was copious and large for he took then as much as was fit to maintaine and nourish him which indeed is the true diet prescribed by the Art of good and sound Physick Although a rabble of loggerheaded Physicians nuzzeled in the brabling shop of Sophisters counsel the contrary during that repast was continued the lesson read at dinner as long as they thought good the rest was spent in good discourse learned and profitable After that they had given thanks he set himself to sing vocally and play upon harmonious instruments or otherwayes passed his time at some pretty sports made with cards or dice or in practising the feats of Legerdemain with cups and balls There they stayed some nights in frolicking thus and making themselves merrie till it was time to go to bed and on other nights they would go make visits unto learned men or to such as had been travellers in strange and remote countreys When it was full night before they retired themselves they went unto the most open place of the house to see the face of the sky and there beheld the comets if any were as likewise the figures situations aspects oppositions and conjunctions of the both fixed starres and planets

first book of this Translation being written Originally in the French Tongue as it comprehendeth some of its bruskest dialects with so much ingeniositie and wit that more impressions have been sold thereof in that language then of any other book that hath been set forth at any time within these fifteen hundred yeares so difficult neverthelesse to be turned into any other speech that many prime spirits in most of the Nations of Europe since the yeare 1573. which was fourescore yeares ago after having attempted it were constrained with no small regret to give it over as a thing impossible to be done is now in its Translation thus farre advanced and the remainder faithfully undertaken with the same hand to be rendered into English by a Person of quality who though his lands be sequestred his house garrisoned his other goods sold and himself detained a Prisoner of warre at London for his having been at Worcester fight hath at the most earnest intreaty of some of his especial friends well acquainted with his inclination to the performance of conducible singularities promised besides his version of these two already published very speedily to offer up unto this Isle of Britaine the virginity of the Translation of the other three most admirable books of the aforesaid Author provided that by the plurality of judicious and understanding men it be not declared he hath already proceeded too farre or that the continuation of the rigour whereby he is dispossest of all his both real and personal estate by pressing too hard upon him be not an impediment thereto and to other more eminent undertakings of his as hath beene oftentimes very fully mentioned by the said Translatour in several original Treatises of his own penning lately by him so numerousty dispersed that there is scarce any who being skilful in the English Idiome ar curious of any new ingenious invention hath not either read them or heard of them The ERRATAES of the First Book Upon the margin of the first eight verses IXLXGPX PAge 13. line 11. for pray read pray'y p. 26. marg for fermele r. fermee p. 36. l. 22. for monocorsing r. monocordising p. 37. l. 19. for Seamsters r. Seamstresses p. 46. l. 16. for borne r. carried p. 15. l. 25. for arswersie r. arsiversie p. 79. l. 18. for hoparymated r. hopurymated p. 90. l. 29. for pursley r. parsley p. 92. l. 5. for kiriele r. kiriels p. 107. l. 28. for sore r. fore p. 113. l. 21. for charantou r. charanton p. 123. l. 5. for Suedevede r. gue de vede p. 123. l. 16. for stussed r. stuffed p. 127. l. 5. for blade r. blades p. 149. l. 24. for entrance r. entrance there p. 157. l. 19. for marousle r. marousle p. 159. l. 7. for feet r. foot p. 161. l. 25. for in ran him r. ran him in p. 176 l. 9. for elder tree r. alder-tree p. 177. l. 21. for mae vi r. mavie p. 184. l. 22. for ough r. cough p. 186. l. 19. for sable r. shable p. 192. l. 8. for five r. six p. 196. l. 18. for vertebrae r. verteber p. 200. l. 15. for five r. six p. 201. l. 2. for argy and r. Argy this of St. Nazarand p. 224. l. 16. for gnaw r. grow p. 242. l. 9. for sparrow-hawks r. sparhawks p. 251. l. 20. for they r they 'l p. 253. l. 15. for lest r. lost The EKRATA of the Second Book PAge 4. of the Prologue line 17. for roll-book r. jollie book p. 2. l. 19. for their regular r. the irregular p. 18. l. 3. for be the r. be they p. 26. l. 31. for bury r. burne p. 49. l. 14. for bumsquicbracker r. bumsquibcraker p. 77. l. 27. for thirst r. thrust p. 80. l. 22. for patains r. patins Mr. HUGH SALEL TO Rabelais IF profit mix'd with pleasure may suffice T' extoll an Authors worth above the skies Thou certainly for both must praised be I know it for thy judgement hath in the Contexture of this book set down such high Contentments mingled with utility That as I think I see Democritus Laughing at men as things ridiculous Insist in thy designe for though we prove Ungrate on earth thy merit is above THE AUTHORS Prologue MOst Illustrious and thrice valourous Champions Gentlemen and others who willingly apply your mindes to the entertainment of pretty conceits and honest harmlesse knacks of wit You have not long ago seen read and understood the great and inestimable Chronicle of the huge and mighty Gyant Gargantua and like upright Faithfullists have firmly beleeved all to be true that is contained in them and have very often past your time with them amongst Honourable Ladies and Gentlewomen telling them faire long stories when you were out of all other talk for which you are worthy of great praise and sempiternal memory and I do heartily wish that every man would lay aside his own businesse meddle no more with his Profession nor Trade and throw all affaires concerning himself behinde his back to attend this wholly without distracting or troubling his minde with any thing else until he have learned them without book that if by chance the Art of printing should cease or in case that in time to come all books should perish every man might truly teach them unto his children and deliver them over to his successors and survivors from hand to hand as a religious Cabal for there is in it more profit then a rabble of great pockie Loggerheads are able to discern who surely understand far lesse in these little merriments then the foole Raclet did in the institutions of Justinian I have known great and mighty Lords and of those not a few who going a Deer-hunting or a hawking after wilde Ducks when the chase had not encountred with the blinks that were cast in her way to retard her course or that the Hawk did but plaine and smoothly fly without moving her wings perceiving the prey by force of flight to have gained bounds of her have been much chafed and vexed as you understand well enough but the comfort unto which they had refuge and that they might not take cold was to relate the inestimable deeds of the said Gargantua There are others in the world These are no flimflam stories nor tales of a tub who being much troubled with the tooth-ache after they had spent their goods upon Physicians without receiving at all any ease of their pain have found no more ready remedy then to put the said Chronicles betwixt two pieces of linnen cloth made somewhat hot and so apply them to the place that smarteth synapising them with a little powder of projection otherwayes called doribus But what shall I say of those poor men that are plagued with the Pox and the Gowt O how often have we seen them even immediately after they were anointed and throughly greased till their faces did glister like the Key-hole of a powdering tub their teeth dance like the jacks of a paire of

little Organs or Virginals when they are played upon and that they foamed from their very throats like a boare which the Mongrel Mastiffe-hounds have driven in and overthrown amongst the foyles what did they then All their consolation was to have some page of the said Roll-book read unto them and we have seen those who have given themselves to a hundred punchions of old devils in case that they did not feele a manifest ease and asswagement of paine at he hearing of the said book read even when they were kept in a purgatory of torment no more nor lesse then women in travel use to sinde their sorrow abated when the life of St. Margarite is read unto them is this nothing finde me a book in any language in any faculty or science whatsoever that hath such vertues properties and prerogatives and I will be content to pay you a quart of tripes No my Masters no it is peerlesse incomparable and not to be matched and this am I resolved for ever to maintaine even unto the fire exclusive And those that will pertinaciously hold the contrary opinion let them be accounted Abusers Predestinators Impostors and Seducers of the People it is very true that there are found in some gallant and stately books worthy of high estimation certain occult and hid properties in the number of which are reckoned Whippot Orlando furio so Robert the devil Fierabras William without feare Huon of Bourdeaux Monteville and Matabrune but they are not comparable to that which we speak of and the world hath well known by infallible experience the great emolument and utility which it hath received by this Gargantuine Chronicle for the Printers have sold more of them in two moneths time then there will be bought of Bibles in nine yeares I therefore your humble slave being very willing to increase your solace and recreation yet a little more do offer you for a Present another book of the same stamp only that it is a little more reasonable and worthy of credit then the other was for think not unlesse you wilfully will erre against your knowledge that I speak of it as the Jewes do of the Law I was not born under such a Planet neither did it ever befall me to lie or affirme a thing for true that was not I speak of it like a lustie frolick Onocrotarie I should say Crotenotarie of the martyrised Lovers and Croquenotarie of love Cuod vidimus testamur It is of the horrible and dreadful feats and prowesses of Pantagruel whose menial servant I have been ever since I was a page till this houre that by his leave I am permitted to visit my Cow-countrey and to know if any of my Kindred there be alive And therefore to make an end of this Prologue even as I give my selfe to an hundred Panniers-full of faire devils body and soule tripes and guts in case that I lie so much as one single word in this whole History After the like manner St. Anthonies fire burne you Mahooms disease whirle you the squinance with a stitch in your side and the Wolfe in your stomack trusse you the bloody flux seize upon you the curst sharp inflammations of wilde fire as slender and thin as Cowes haire strengthened with quick silver enter into your fundament and like those of Sodom and Gomorrha may you fall into sulphur fire and bottomlesse pits in case you do not firmly beleeve all that I shall relate unto you in this present Chronicle The Second Book of RABELAIS Treating of the Heroick Deeds and Sayings of the good PANTAGRUEL CHAP. I. Of the Original and Antiquity of the great Pantagruel IT will not be an idle nor unprofitable thing seeing we are at leasure to put you in minde of the Fountain and Original Source whence is derived unto us the good Pantagruel for I see that all good Historiographers have thus handled their Chronicle not only the Arabians Barbarians and Latines but also the gentle Greeks who were eternal drinkers You must therefore remark that at the beginning of the world I speak of a long time it is above fourty quarantaines or fourty times fourty nights according to the supputation of the ancient Druids a little after that Abel was killed by his brother Cain the earth imbrued with the blood of the just was one year so exceeding fertil in all those fruits which it usually produceth to us and especially in Medlars that ever since throughout all ages it hath been called the yeare of the great medlars for three of them cid fill a bushel in it the Calends were found by the Grecian Almanacks there was that yeare nothing of the moneth of March in the time of Lent and the middle of August was in May in the moneth of October as I take it or at least September that I may not erre for I will carefully take heed of that was the week so famous in the Annals which they call the week of the three Thursdayes for it had three of them by meanes of their regular Leap-yeares called Bissextils occasioned by the Sunnes having tripped and stumbled a little towards the left hand like a debtor afraid of Serjeants coming right upon him to arrest him and the Moon varied from her course above five fathom and there was manifestly seen the motion of trepidation in the firmament of the fixed starres called Aplanes so that the middle Pleiade leaving her fellowes declined towards the Equinoctial and the starre named Spica left the constellation of the Virgin to withdraw her self towards the balance known by the name of Libra which are cases very terrible and matters so hard and difficult that Astrologians cannot set their teeth in them and indeed their teeth had been pretty long if they could have reached thither However account you it for a truth that every body then did most heartily eat of those medlars for they were faire to the eye and in taste delicious but even as Noah that holy man to whom we are so much beholding bound and obliged for that he planted to us the Vine from whence we have that nectarian delicious precious heavenly joyful and deifick liquour which they call the piot or tiplage was deceived in the drinking of it for he was ignorant of the great vertue and power thereof so likewise the men and women of that time did delight much in the eating of that faire great fruit but divers and very different accidents did ensue thereupon for there fell upon them all in their bodies a most terrible swelling but not upon all in the same place for some were swollen in the belly and their belly strouted out big like a great tun of whom it is written ventrem omnipotentem who were all very honest men and merry blades and of this race came St. Fatgulch and Shrovetuesday Others did swell at the shoulders who in that place were so crump and knobbie that they were therefore called Montifers which is as much to say

Poets have liberty to paint and devise what they list after their own fancie but he was not satisfied with their answer and said He is not thus painted without a cause and I suspect that at his death there was some wrong done him whereof he requireth his Kinred to take revenge I will enquire further into it and then do what shall be reasonable then he returned not to Poictiers but would take a view of the other Universities of France therefore going to Rochel he took shipping and arrived at Bourdeaux where he found no great exercise only now and then he would see some Marriners and Lightermen a wrestling on the key or strand by the river-side From thence he came to Tholouse where he learned to dance very well and to play with the two-handed sword as the fashion of the Scholars of the said University is to bestir themselves in games whereof they may have their hands full but he stayed not long there when he saw that they did cause bury their Regents alive like red herring saying Now God forbid that I should die this death for I am by nature sufficiently dry already without heating my self any further He went then to Monpellier where he met with the good wives of Mirevaux and good jovial company withal and thought to have set himself to the study of Physick but he considered that that calling was too troublesome and melancholick and that Physicians did smell of glisters like old devils Therefore he resolved he would studie the lawes but seeing that there were but three scauld and one bald-pated Legist in that place he departed from thence and in his way made the Bridge of Gard and the Amphitheater of Neems in lesse then three houres which neverthelesse seems to be a more divine then humane work After that he came to Avignon where he was not above three dayes before he fell in love for the women there take great delight in playing at the close buttock-game because it is Papal ground which his Tutor and Pedagogue Epistemon perceiving he drew him out of that place and brought him to Valence in the Dauphinee where he saw no great matter of recreation only that the Lubbards of the Town did beat the Scholars which so incensed him with anger that when upon a certain very faire Sunday the people being at their publick dancing in the streets and one of the Scholars offering to put himself into the ring to partake of that sport the foresaid lubbardly fellowes would not permit him the admittance into their society He taking the Scholars part so belaboured them with blowes and laid such load upon them that he drove them all before him even to the brink of the river Rhosne and would have there drowned them but that they did squat to the ground and there lay close a full halfe league under the river The hole is to be seen there yet After that he departed from thence and in three strides and one leap came to Angiers where he found himself very well and would have continued there some space but that the plague drove them away So from thence he came to Bourges where he studied a good long time and profited very much in the faculty of the Lawes and would sometimes say that the books of the Civil Law were like unto a wonderfully precious royal and triumphant robe of cloth of gold edged with dirt for in the world are no goodlier books to be seen more ornate nor more eloquent then the texts of the Pandects but the bordering of them that is to say the glosse of Accursius is so scurvie vile base and unsavourie that it is nothing but filthinesse and villany Going from Bourges he came to Orleans where he found store of swaggering Scholars that made him great entertainment at his coming and with whom he learned to play at tennis so well that he was a Master at that game for the Students of the said place make a prime exercise of it and sometimes they carried him unto Cupids houses of commerce in that City termed Islands because of rheir being most ordinarily environed with other houses and not contiguous to any there to recreate his person at the sport of Poussevant which the wenches of London call the Ferkers in and in As for breaking his head with over-much study he had an especial care not to do it in any case for feare of spoiling his eyes which he the rather observed for that it was told him by one of his Teachers there called Regents that the paine of the eyes was the most hurtful thing of any to the sight for this cause when he one day was made a Licentiate or Graduate in law one of the Scholras of his acquaintance who of learning had not much more then his burthen though in stead of that he could dance very well and play at tennis made the blason and device of the Licentiates in the said University saying So you have in your hand a racket A tennis-ball in your Cod-placket A Pandect law in your Caps tippet And that you have the skill to trip it In a low dance you will b' allow'd The grant of the Licentiates hood CHAP. VI. How Pantagruel met with a Limousin who too affestedly did counterfeit the French Language VPon a certain day I know not when Pantagruel walking after supper with some of his fellow-Students without that gate of the City through which we enter on the rode to Paris encountered with a young spruce-like Scholar that was coming upon the same very way and after they had saluted one another asked him thus My friend from whence comest thou now the Scholar answered him From the alme inclyte and celebrate Academie which is vocitated Lutetia What is the meaning of this said Pantagruel to one of his men It is answered he from Paris Thou comest from Paris then said Pantagruel and how do you spend your time there you my Masters the Students of Paris the Scholar answered We transfretate the Sequan at the dilucul and crepuscul we deambulate by the compites and quadrives of the Urb we despumate the Latial verbocination and like verisimilarie amorabons we captat the benevolence of the omnijugal omniform and omnigenal foeminine sexe upon certain diecules we invisat the Lupanares and in a venerian extase inculcate our veretres into the penitissime recesses of the pudends of these amicabilissim meretricules then do we cauponisate in the meritory taberns of the pineapple the castle the magdalene and the mule goodly vervecine spatules perforaminated with petrocile and if by fortune there be rarity or penury of pecune in our marsupies and that they be exhausted of ferruginean mettal for the shot we dimit our codices and oppugnerat our vestiments whilest we prestolate the coming of the Tabellaries from the Penates and patriotick Lares to which Pantagruel answered What devillish language is this by the Lord I think thou art some kind of Heretick My Lord no said the Scholar for

being but meer blockheads great tithe-calvs ignorant of all that which was needful for the understanding of the lawes for as it is most certain they had not the knowledge either of the Greek or Latine tongue but only of the Gothick and Barbarian the lawes neverthelesse were first taken from the Greeks according to the testimony of Ulpian l. poster de origine juris which we likewise may perceive by that all the lawes are full of Greek words and sentences and then we finde that they are reduced into a Latine stile the most elegant and ornate that whole language is able to afford without excepting that of any that ever wrote therein nay not of Salust Varo Cicero Seneca Titus Livius nor Quintilian how then could these old dotards be able to understand aright the text of the lawes who never in their time had looked upon a good Latine book as doth evidently enough appear by the rudenesse of their stile which is fitter for a Chimney-sweeper or for a Cook or a Scullion then for a Jurisconsult and Doctor in the Lawes Furthermore seeing the Lawes are excerpted out of the middle of moral and natural Philosophie how should these fooles have understood it that have by G studied lesse in Philosophie then my Mule in respect of humane learning and the knowledge of Antiquities and History they were truly laden with those faculties as a toad is with feathers and yet of all this the Lawes are so full that without it they cannot be understood as I intend more fully to shew unto you in a peculiar Treatise which on that purpose I am about to publish Therefore if you will that I take any medling in this processe first cause all these papers to be burnt secondly make the two Gentlemen come personally before me and afterwards when I shall have heard them I will tell you my opinion freely without any feignednes or dissimulation whatsoever Some amongst them did contradict this motion as you know that in all companies there are more fooles then wise men and that the greater part alwayes surmounts the better as saith Titus Livius in speaking of the Carthaginians but the foresaid Du Douet held the contrary opinion maintaining that Pantagruel had said well and what was right in affirming that these records bills of inquest replies rejoinders exceptions depositions and other such diableries of truth-intangling Writs were but Engines wherewith to overthrow justice and unnecessarily to prolong such suits as did depend before them and that therefore the devil would carry them all away to hell if they did not take another course and proceeded not in times coming according to the Prescripts of Evangelical and Philosophical equity In fine all the papers were burnt and the two Gentlemen summoned and personally convented at whose appearance before the Court Pantagruel said unto them Are you they that have this great difference betwixt you Yes my Lord said they Which of you said Pantagruel is the Plaintiffe It is I said my Lord Kissebreech Go to then my friend said he and relate your matter unto me from point to point according to the real truth or else by cocks body if I finde you to lie so much as in one word I will make you shorter by the head and take it from off your shoulders to shew others by your example that in justice and judgement men ought to speak nothing but the truth theresore take heed you do not adde nor impare any thing in the Narration of your case Begin CHAP. XI How the Lords of Kissebreech and Suckfist did plead before Pantagruel without an Atturney THen began Kissebreech in manner as followeth My Lord it is true that a good woman of my house carried egges to the market to sell Be covered Kissebreech said Pantagruel Thanks to you my Lord said the Lord Kissebreech but to the purpose there passed betwixt the two tropicks the summe of three pence towards the zenith and a halfpeny forasmuch as the Riphaean mountaines had been that yeare opprest with a great sterility of counterfeit gudgions and shewes without substance by meanes of the babling tattle and fond fibs seditiously raised between the gibblegablers and Accursian gibberish-mongers for the rebellion of the Swissers who had assembled themselves to the full number of the bum-bees and myrmidons to go a handsel-getting on the first day of the new yeare at that very time when they give brewis to the oxen and deliver the key of the coales to the Countrey-girles for serving in of the oates to the dogs All the night long they did nothing else keeping their hands still upon the pot but dispatch both on foot and horseback leaden-sealed Writs or letters to wit Papal Commissions commonly called Bulls to stop the boats for the Tailors and Seamsters would have made of the stollen shreds and clippings a goodly sagbut to cover the face of the Ocean which then was great with childe of a potfull of cabbidge according to the opinion of the hay-bundle-makers but the Physicians said that by the Urine they could discern no manifest signe of the Bustards pace nor how to eat double-tongued mattocks with mustard unlesse the Lords and Gentlemen of the Court should be pleased to give by B. mol expresse command to the pox not to run about any longer in gleaning up of Coppersmiths and Tinkers for the Jobernolls had already a pretty good beginning in their dance of the Brittish gig called the estrindore to a perfect diapason with one foot in the fire and their head in the middle as good man Ragot was wont to say Ha my Masters God moderates all things and disposeth of them at his pleasure so that against unluckie fortune a Carter broke his frisking whip which was all the winde-instrument he had this was done at his return from the little paultry town even then when Master Amitus of Cresseplots was licentiated and had past his degrees in all dullerie and blockishnesse according to this sentence of the Canonists Beati Dunces quoniam ipsi stumblaverunt But that which makes lent to be so high by St. Fiacre of Bry is for nothing else but that the Pentecost never comes but to my cost yet on afore there hoe a little rain stills a great winde and we must think so seeing that the Serjeant hath propounded the matter so farre above my reach that the Clerks and Secondaries could not with the benefit thereof lick their fingers feathered with gaunders so orbicularly as they were wont in other things to do And we do manifestly see that every one acknowledgeth himself to be in the errour wherewith another hath been charged reserving only those cases whereby we are obliged to take an ocular inspection in a perspective glasse of these things towards the place in the Chimney where hangeth the signe of the wine of fourty girths which have been alwayes accounted very necessary for the number of twenty pannels and pack-saddles of the bankrupt Protectionaries of five yeares respit