Honest Man pray let me have that Ballad Have you any thing against Bishops Bookw. Yes Sir. There is Little Laud in Limbo and Lambeth Fair and Rome for a Corner'd Cap and the Character of a Bishop Scut I shall think the better of you Ballad-men hereafter The price of them Bookw. Two Groats Scut Very cheap If I get the Living I 'll have thee my Clark. Fant Hang you Rascal I 'll venture in I 'll serve your Turn Scut Nay Sir I 'll give them a Character of you you Popeling I 'll be there as soon as you I warrant you They justle at the Door Exeunt Bookw. These are brave Times I 'll lay Ten Pound the Basket-maker carries it away Exit Enter a Tinker singing Tinker When Alexander cross'd the Seas King Pippin and Diogenes Mul'd Sack is good to cure the Fleas Tom Tinker lives a merry Life And is o' th' mending hand A Copper Nose a Brazen Face He hath at your Command Come come Have you any Work for a Tinker Have you any Bellows or Bowls to mend Any Dishes Kettles or Skillets or old Frying-Pans to mend Come come I can mend Platter-Faces or Crack'd Maiden-Heads or Tipt Cuckold's-Horns Who will buy a brave Candlestick My Wares are all sound but I must crack of them to make them sell the better He that useth this Candlestick shall do more with a Week than another with a Quarter and he that tells his Gold by this Candlestick without ever a Candle in 't shall not find it Light. I 'll warrant this was the Candlestick Diogenes sought for an Honest Man with I was offer'd Moneys enough for it two Years ago by an old Blade to set upon an Altar in his Chancel But now Conformity burns and stinks in the Socket and Wax-Candles wax dim and are like to go out in a Snuff yet it serves a Papist to light him to Rome For the Pope's Fire begins to burn Blew and it 's thought he wants a pair of Tongs to turn up his Purgatory-bottom-Cake Come who buys it That the Tinker may have some better Mettal to melt into Ale. He that will chaffer shall have this Prolonger into the Bargain O brave Prolonger If Patents and Monopolies had had Prolongers they had not gone out yet You that are the Lights of the Church have Extinguishers enow but your two Steeples like double-wick'd-Candles wont Prolongers Ship-Money Star Chamber High-Commission Michaelmas Term all want Prolongers But I shall prolong the time and take nothing But who comes here Another Black Coat Sure here is some Carrion here-abouts I see so many Crows stirring Have you any Work for a Tinker Enter Fantastes Fant This is as brave as can be I 'll set him on Work now Jovial Tinker Where 's the best Liquor Ha Tink God bless your Learning Master There is good Liquor I never Drunk quicker And if thou 'lt follow me Thou 'st find Chink And I 'll find Drink And so we 'll Merry be Master will you set a poor Tinker on Work Fant Alas What Work should Scholars have for Tinkers Tink What Master will you give me leave You are but Tinkers your selves many of you Fant As how prithee Tink How Why you keep such a Hammering of a poor Text before you can hit the right Nail on the head and then in stopping one Hole you oftentimes make two Fant Thou' rt a mad Blade Tink Nay and none but Scholars and Tinkers carry all their Tools about them to mend this Brass and Iron Age. Fant Hark thee Tom canst Fight lustily Tink Ay Faith therein we differ You Black Coats are Cowards and we are not Yes I can play at Quarter-staff a little Fant Wilt thou be true to me Tink Will I not Bully Hector try me Fant Why Sirrah here is a Living void here in Town and I am come to try my Fortune for it Here even now I met with a Roguish Sniveling New-English Basket-maker that does abuse me and all Scholars as past Wouldst thou think that he is gone in here to get the Living from us all Tink Does he snivle in the Nose Master Fant Ay Tom that he does Tink By Iove I 'll sell him a pair of Snuffers Fant Stand here and watch for him and search his Pockets and thou shalt see what Authors he reads Look you There 's Twelve-pence for thee and meet me half an Hour hence at the Ale-House and whether thou speedest or not I 'll give thee half a dozen of Ale and we 'll Laugh and be Merry Tink Hark you Master I 'll make him down on his Knees and pray for Bishops e're I have done with him Let me alone Fant Be sure you Pay him soundly Spare him not Exit Tink This is Handsome A Basket-maker get a Living He had best bring a pair of Hilts with him I 'll have a bout at Wastrels with him I 'll teach him how to baste a Pulpit Here he comes I 'll listen awhile what Tune his Nose is in that I may mend it Enter Goodman Scuttle Scut Ah as very a wicked Man as ever I came near a very Reprobate not any good word came from him But he must have Money Money 'T is a thousand pitties that such good Men as we should be put aside by such Carnal and Unsanctify'd Patrons Tink Have you any Work for a Tinker Yo Friend Will you set a poor Tinker on Work Scut Away away for Banbury I have no Work for such Fellows as you are Tink Yea but Sirrah Rascal I 'll Work for nothing Beats him Scut Oh Murder Murder Will you kill me Tink Sirrah It is revealed unto me that you have a mind to Preach and to leave your Trade Thus and thus and then thus you must thump the Cushion Beats him Come on you Knave You told never a Lye to day for the good of the Church did you Scut Yea indeed but I 'll do so no more Pray spare my Bife Tink Sirrah Will you lead me to a Cup of good Ale Scut Ay ay Tink And to a pritty Wench Scut Ay so it may be private Tink And will you love good Scholars Scut Ay indeed Tink And pray for Bishops Scut Ay and Arch-Bishops too Tink Nay now I see you are a dissembling Knave I 'll have you Silenc'd i'Faith You gaped for a Benefice Now gape gags him so now let me see what is in your Pockets Scut Awe awe awe He feels in his Pockets and pulls out a Book of Characters Tink Ay I 'll keep you in awe How now what 's here A Book of Characters O Sirrah you write Characters do you I 'll pay you in Words at length Here 's good Gear indeed Come on Now get up So let me see Pins his Book on his Back Come I 'll give you Induction you have your Orders about you Come Sirrah or I 'll choak thee Scut Au au au Exeunt Enter Marchurch alone March. Oh the blessed'st days that ever came I think when I was Born
THE BENEFICE A COMEDY By R. W. D. D. Author of ITER BOREALE Written in his Younger Days Now made Publick for promoting Innocent Mirth Ridentum dicere verum Quid vetat Licensed and Enter'd LONDON Printed to be Sold by R. Ianeway in Queens-Head Court in Pater-Noster-Row M.DC.LXXXIX TO THE READER 'T Is now several Years since these Papers of the most Ingenious Dr. R. Wild's first fell into my Hands Which having been the occasion of so much Innocent Mirth and Diversion not only to my self but to all I ever communicated them to I thought fit at length lest I should seem either Envious or Injurious to others not any longer to engross the Pleasure of them wholly to my self but to invite the Publick to share in this no contemptible Priviledg by the Publication hereof Which without the least Diminution Addition or Alteration is here presented to thee in the Author 's own Words A further Recommendation being needless to what will so assuredly Recommend it self being Read I shall only add That if Pure Wit Harmless Jest True Mirth and Good Design are taking I need not doubt but what followeth here will highly Please and Oblige thee to the Publisher Farewel Dramatis Personae INvention  Furor Poeticus An Humorous Poet. Pedanto A School-Master Comaedia A Girl Ceres The Goddess of Harvest Marchurch The Patron of a Living Ursley His Kitchin Wench Mar-Pudding A Cotquean Nephew to Marchurch Book-Worm A Young Divine Sir Homily An Old Curat Hob-Nail Marchurch's hind-Servant Phantastes A meer Scholar newly come from the Vniversity Goodman Scuttle A New-English Basket-Maker Two Watchmen  A School-Boy  Tinker and a Gypsie his Wife  Scena profiâ—gentis arbitrio THE BENEFICE ACT the First Behind the Curtain a School-Master at study writing with many Books before him and a little Boy under him with his Grammar in one Hand and Bread and Butter in the other Enter Invention and Furor Poeticus Invention comes in Studying After a Pause he steps back and calls Furor Poeticus Invention FVror Furor So Ho Ho. 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Enter Furor Panting and Blowing Furor Good Master Invention Oh You are too quick for me You are in as much haste as a Schollar to get a Wife or an Heir to Sell his Land. Hey Presto Whip and away your Brains are as nimble as if Projections and Monopolies were alive again Invent. Come Furor you know I have a deal of Work to do since my name was Invention I never knew such a busie time Let me see my Table-Book What Business have I to dispatch Pulls out his Table-Book Ho! Bodkin the Taylor I must invent for him new Fashion'd Breeches with a Tippet here behind to turn up that Gentlemen may go to Stool and not Untruss Item I must invent a Plot how the Papists may escape the Purgatory of the Parliament Furor I have a Plot for that Let them put their Heads through an Hempen Rosary and say three Ave Mary's with a Wry-mouth and I 'll be their Bondslave they need not fear afterwards Invent. Memorandum I must invent a Plot how the Scots may get more Money when that they have is gone Fur. Pish That 's easie Let them come for 't Invent. Arm 's for a Welch-Man Fur. Two Trees Rampant and another Crossant a Ladder Ascendant an Hangman Couchant the Rope Pendant and the Fields Sable c. Invent. To help a Chamber-Maid to her Maiden-Head Fur. If she be Handsome she shall have mine Invent. Memorandum Parson T. M. must have a Sermon made against Christmas Pret. 2 s. 4 d. Hem. Mr. c. would learn to Preach after the New Cut. Fur. And that 's not the short Cut I 'm sure Invent. Item I must find out a Cure for one that 's sick of two Livings Fur. Let the Incumbent sweat three Weeks for Anger suck his Thumbs with Patience be soundly Cup'd twenty four Hours After that take the Wax of an old Commission for a Divine to be a Iustice of Peace and to it add a Quart of Abel's Wine a Pound of Brumfield's Soap that hath scaped a Scouring with an handful of Goring's Tobacco-roots mix them with the Oyl of Lambs Grease boyl them in a Corner'd-Cap from an Arch-Bishop to a Bishop from that to Dean from that to an Arch-Deacon from that to a Prebend and so to a Commissary if you can Decoct them so low then strain it through a Lawn-Sleeve let it cool Fiat Emplaistrum Lay this to one of his Temples and his Plurisy will leave him Invent. Item I must find out How many Religions there be in London Item Whether Strafford be dead with his Head off Item I must make Verses for a young Gentleman upon a Louse that was found in his Mistress's Head six Foot long upon the fifth of November last Fur. Avaunt Six-footed Monster if I catch thee My Pollux Onix quickly shall dispatch thee Invention looks about him Invent. Brother Furor where are we What Place is this It should be a Conventicle with so many Heads and Faces in it and all together in a Barn too Boy behind the Curtain As in presenti perfectum format in avi Invent. Heark Here 's a School I think Furor peeps within the Curtain Fur. Ay and here 's the old one in his Form as sad as if he had two Livings and had Sold one of them He looks as Melancholy as if some Woman had Scratch'd him by the Face for whipping her Boy Or if he were studying to Decline Hist Hist. Come hither little Boy Enter Boy Boy Now Gentlemen what 's your Pleasure Fur. Prithee what 's thy Master studying on He 's so close at it Boy Why He 's making a Play for an Exclusion Invent. And hath he done it Boy Done it I think he hath gnawed three Quills to the Hilts for a Line or two The Frost hath gotten into his Nose I think and till his Brains be thawed we shall not have a Drop more done in it I think if the Clasps and Keepers of Hope did not hold up the Breeches of Discretion He 'd do 't in 's Hose And yet he hath all the Play Books in the Country to help him Like the Cuckooe he sucks other 's Eggs Here he steals a Word and there he filches a Line as we Boys do for Theams He hath studied himself out of his Wits about it and if it should not take I hope it will not I believe it will be his last He 'll run away for shame Invent. And why do'st thou hope it will not take Boy Why Because I have never a Part in it But he shall come short of a Christmas Dinner my Mother says Kissing goes by Favour she says Pray ye Gentlemen step in to him while I run home to Breakfast Exit Boy Invention draws the Curtain aside Invent. By your leave Sir God bless your Learning Fur. Apollo bless thy Brains thy Brains so fickle And Souse them in
pure Heliconian Pickle Invent. Marry and Soust Hog's Head is no ill Meat Furor Pedanto Gentlemen you are welcome Ye take me at a hard Task here Fur. Why Prithee Pedanto what 's thy Negotium Ped. Why Gentlemen my Trade is to teach Wild-Geese how tâ— fly in the Figure of Criss-Cross-Row That is to say in English I am a School-master and here against Christmas I am blowing my Nose for a Dialogue Invent. A Dialogue What 's that It 's neither Prologue nor Epilogue nor Tragedy nor Comedy nor Pastoral nor Satyr nor Masque nor Morrice-Dance What 's a Dialogue Ped. Why Gentlemen a Dialogue is a Poetical Pudding or the Muses Hodg-Podg a Discourse like that between Dr. Faustus and the Devil or two or three Men in a Pig-Market That 's a Dialogue Invent. May I be so bold as to peruse your Library Ped. Yes Sir if you please see the Books I have borrowed for the Business Invention takes up the Books looks in them and speaks Invent. Plautus A subtile Diver into Man and yet The fate of Poets Poverty and Wit Pimp Mercury and Cuckold-making Iove Amphitrion's Horns and Alcamena's Love Could not find out a better Quill nor we A better Father for our Poetry Fur. And yet he came off in his last Act like a Costive Man from the Stool without wiping His Splay-feet were too broad for Verse He 'd been a pretty Fellow but that they fed him with Mill-Corn and Pottage So take him Jaylor Invent. Ben. Iohnson Great Brick-bat Ben the Envy of thy Days Thy only English Brow deserves the Bays Others did wear the Ivy-Bush as Sign Not of their Wit but Lattice-face and Wine But thy Industrious Brain great Ben did seem To make the Lawrel which thou wore grow Green. Thine are the Tragicks and the Comick Lays And thou' rt th'Refiner of our Drossy Phrase And so thy Alchymy I dare be bold Hath turn'd our baser Mettal into Gold. Fur. Pritty Pritty An ordinary Wit would make him Piss and Stink at th'Stake like an old Bear. And then damnable tedious and costly too Every half quarter of an Hour a glass of Sack must be sent of an Errand into his Guts to tell his Brains they must come up quickly and help out with a Line So take him Jaylor Invent. Shakspear His Quill as quick as Feather from the Bow O who can such another Falstaff show And if thy Learning had been like thy Wit Ben would have blusht and Iohnson never writ Fur. Pish. I never read any of him but in Tobacco-papers and the bottom of Pigeon-Pies But he had been a Curate to the Stage so long that he could not choose but get some ends and bottoms I and they were his Fees too But for the fine and true Dramatick Law He was a Dunce and scribled with a Straw Invent. Beaumont and Fletcher The Muse's Twins and in our English Sphere Castor and Pollux so they did appear 'T is thought when they were Born Appollo's Will Was to divide th'Two-top't Parnassus Hill That Beaumont Lofty Beaumont might have one And Fletcher take the other for his Throne Fur. A pair of Journey-Men They write both with a Quill Thus have I seen two Grey-hound Puppies play With one another's itching Tails all day A couple of Cowards Part them and like two Worms they would shrink in their Heads Marry Take them together and let them spit in one another's Mouths and they would do smartly They would Club for Verse One find Rhyme and another Reason So take them Jaylor Invent. Tom Randolph's Poems A sweeter Swan did never Sing upon The Downy Banks of Oylie Helicon Methinks I see the Fates and Muses fight Who 's Chaplain Tom should be and in despight Like Iealous Lovers bring him to his Herse That they might kiss his Chin and read his Verse Fur. 'T was Tom a Bedlam not Tom Randolph sure His Wit 's too Violent long to endure Pitty so rare a Fancy should have found An Helicon so deep as to be drown'd Tom's dead and every Muse hath vow'd to be For Stafford's sake a Stafford's Niobe Take him Jaylor Invent. These Authors are as good as you can have Have you done the Dialogue Ped. Alass Gentlemen I am allowed no fuel to my Sacred fire of Poetry but I am fain to Curb and Curtail my Fancy I scorn a Dialogue as I do Toys and Pamphlets I had intended to have had my Scene Delphos Apollo and the Nine Muses should have been in a Masque But we have no Clothes unless we would dress them like Gypsies or Butter-Queens with Baskets on their Arms. I would have had an Oracle Priest Poet and Notaries And that Oracle should have told Fortunes All these Poet's Ghosts should have come in their Winding-Sheets But in truth we have not so much Linnen in the Town as would have dress'd them I had much ado to borrow an old Doublet to act a Tinker in and am fain to pay for Hair to make Beards of as if the Horse-Tail was the Golden-Fleece Fur. Difficile est Satyram non scribere He overthrows all the Books Must Poet's Fancies thus be starv'd and tortur'd Avant ye Bastards of Parnassus Mount Forswear the Stage Undoff your Comick Sock Which being sold this Ignorant Age will scarce Bestow the washing of th'Illiterate World Poets were once Crowned and Godded too Now not a Penny to buy them Ink withal And no more Sack than what they take in Spoons He snatcheth away the Quills As dying Men do from your dirty Nurses Away with that same Quill away with 't Boy I would some Prentice would light on 't to cross his Master's debt-Debt-Books when he 's Drunk Or some Elder-Brother find it to Subscribe to Ten i' th' Hundred Or it would serve a whole Corporation to set their Marks to a Petition against Bishops May it be so full of Teeth as to write a Libel first and then the Sentence against the Libellor's Ears But to lie sucking of the Fingers thus Making a Plot fit for the Theatre Or Roscius to present and have no Scene No Clothes no Properties no Candle scarce 'T is this makes Furor mad makes Furor fret Wit that should nothing want doth nothing get Ped. But my Credit lies at stake Gentlemen There 's never an empty Head of my Trade hereabouts but ventures to be Witty and therefore something must be done and something in English too because here 's Gentlemen will be present at it and something for the Times and all out of Nothing Invent. And something shall be done Furor shall we conjure Fur. Furor shall conjure and I 'll raise the Poets and charm their Quills to write a Satyr for thee A Satyr that shall Sting and Lash and Scratch sharp like a Razor that shall make Men hang themselves And those Nine Brats of Helicon shall leave their Horse-Pool to come and grease thy Buskins with their Sweat. Invent. Speak shall it be a Tragedy or a Comedy a Pastoral or Satyr Invention
thee give me the rest in Books Hast thou not pretty Knacks Bookw. Yes here 's a Cobler's Sermon I have but one of them of thirty left since morning And Father Phillips philip'd too New come out Fur. Well said give me them Bookw. Almanacks Almanacks Almanacks New Let me see It 's cold I 'le go spend my two-pence at the Ale house and hear what News and come again Exit Rediâ—t God save me Here comes Fantastes of our Colledg A pritty Scholar yet a meer Animal He comes for the Living too Faith I 'le sit down a little while and see the Issue Enter Fantastes like a Scholar with one Boot Russet and the other Black. Fur. Alas here comes another Aristotle in a black Cover Ha ha ha his Boots are of two several Opinions or else of two several Vniversities The one of Cambridg the other of Oxford God bless him what a fatal Cap he hath on It looks as if it had served an Apprentiship at the Gallows to teach those that are hang'd Blind-man's Buff. Fantastes opens his Box. Fantastes Let me see my Colledg-Letters Oh safe My Orders Oh safe My Petition Oh! Come I 'le read it over once more First I must premise two Legs that 's the least But how if there should be Gentlewomen I never kist any Body in a black Bag in my Life Fur. What Man Set a good Face on 't You are not the first Scholar that kiss'd a Lady They say they 'l turn their Cheeks And then I 'le do Quicquid in Buccam Venerit I do not remember any thing in Aristostle concerning Kissing Fur. Unless in his Posteriorum Fant 'Faith I 'le turn and blow my Nose if any come by as if I did not see them And for my Hat Here thus Or rather thus Nay better thus Most Propitious Patron AS I was Equitating in these Rural Dimensions the intelligence of the Vacuity of your Worship 's Ecclesiastical Donation did dexterously occur and perforate my Auricles And forthwith gratifying my Beast with a Measure of Pinguifying Provender I did approperate to your resplendent Habitation to impenetrate the Beneficial Presentation to me A profound Aristotelian Sir Fortune hath not Beatify'd me with Mundane Promotions neither have I conglomerated any Terrestrial Substance But if you please with your perspicuous Luminaries to contemplate and perscrutate these Testifications you shall be animadverted of my Deportment in the Oxfordian Society in my modification for Literature Here is moreover in this Membrane with the cerous Assignments the Episcopal Assign to gratify your Supplicant ponderating the Premises you shall vivificate the mortiferous Essence of my Intellectuals and invocate into this Domical one that will not contaminate your Family but perprecate the Deities for the longitude of their Benediction upon your Propagation And remain Your Incarcerated Creature Fantastes There 's Rhetorick in every word I 'me sure Fur. In troth I hope some body will take him for a Conjurer and beat him soundly or else throw him into Goal for Coining false English and then he will be Incarcerated indeed Fant I fear nothing but that I come too late These Livings they are like Herrings They are Novelty but they will not keep long Fur. I fear your's will be a Shotten one Fant These scurvy Boots How shall I make them both of a Colour I 'll black them with the inside of my Coat Enter Goodman Scuttle Scuttle Now verily and indeed I am glad that I am called out of New-England The Brethren there do multiply too fast and the Sisters are not plentiful in their Benevolence towards us so as they be here And then many of them do Back-slide from what I did there deliver to them Truly I will quite leave my Basket-making unless now and then a Cradle for some Elect Babe Sure if I do not get this Living as Marchurch by report is a Carnal Man I can by my Short-hand and Repetition get a Competency Fur. This Fellow hath the Living's fresh scent in his Nose too Fant How now Who 's this Nay as long as he is not in Black I care not It may be he is some Servant in the House God save you Sir. Scut aside God save you Ha! Truly Popery at the very first word These Vniversity Men are all in some measure corrupted with it For tho I know I shall be saved yet he knows not what I am He might have said the same to some Reprobate Hell-hound and to him it is Popery I will not answer so vain a Word Fant Do you live here I pray you Scut aside Truly this Arminian's business is revealed unto me He comes about the Living as well as I and being wicked as he is I ought to deceive him for the Churches good I will Lye unto him Yes Sir I do Inhabit here Fant Inhabit here Nay if you can vary the Phrase have at you Is the Regulator of the Domicil segregated from his Negotiations I pray you Sir Scut Ah Sir these Popish words become you not They edifie not If I were to write you a Sermon I have not a Character for such words I pray you speak teachably and plainly Fant Is the Gentleman of the House at home can you tell me Scut No indeed he is not at Home he is newly rid Abroad Fant When will he return again Scut Not this Week I believe What 's your Business I pray you with him Fant Is his Living void can you tell me Scut Ha! I thought so Yea truly it is void but it is in vain for such as you are to look after it Fant Why so Scut Why truly you are prophane Men and Idolatrous and can do nothing but with Study and Popish Books I wonder what you should do at a Colledg so long No good I warrant you Fant What! We read Philosophy Logick Divinity We learn the Tongues Hebrew Greek and Latin to fit us for the Church and all little enough Scut Ah! I thought that would be your Answer Does not the Pope the like I dare my self Preach with you for the Living and he that gives over first shall lose it Fant What Trade are you Sir You talk madly Ah! such as you are have undone us all Scut Nay you vile Priest such as you are And I intend to get this Living If such Wretches as you are get it you must be Parson and have Tithes No no. I 'll at Composition and stand to their Benevolence Fant O Domine is't come to this Surgit Bookworm Bookworm I'll set them together by th' Ears Come Who buys a Ballad Sings God prosper long our Noble King c. Who buys a new Ballad He sings again I am confirm'd a Scholar can Be this or that or any Man And Ovid taught all Students this To make a Metamorphosis And when he cannot change a Groat He 'll turn his Skin and change his Coat Scut Do you hear Sir Scholar You Black-Coats can be any thing and Temporizers I 'll buy it of him