Heaven I had always observed that they counted wounds of conscience for sin melancholy sits And if the wound were deeper and more smarting than ordinary then they esteemed them maddish upon whom it was and that it befel them for being guilty of some soul secret sin worse than themselves had ever committed And I did fear if they knew my case they would think no better on 't In which respect I was very careful to hide it from them Being at this set I turned aside from my black thoughts and said to my heart as Solomon in another case Goto I will try thee with mirth I sought diversion in merry company and would thereby have abated the rage of my guilty conscience as Cain sought to do by building of Cities This remedy encreased the disease for it multiplied sin in me and God thereupon multiplied my sorrows The Way being by his Providence thus hedged up with thorns about me I knew not how to get out This path at length he discovered to me that if I would ever be at peace I must get my sin pardoned in regard that it was most evident that all my anguish and torment proceeded from the guilt of unpardoned sin This I forthwith closed with being under clear conviction of the truth of it Then thought I If I would have my sins pardoned and get God to be my friend I must serve him better than I have done yet Here I fell most intâ—ntly upon seeking Righteousness by the works of the Law I read the Bible and the Practice of Piety and such other Books as I could get that treated of a godly and devout conversation I set upon private Pâ—ayer and as a help to it gâ—t Prayer-books which I did use having been so ignorantly educated as to know no better From these written Prayers I cannot say I found not any help but very little I am sure they being too dull and lazy a way to quicken a poor soul that was gasping for life When Children are very young they will swallow meat of the Nurses chewing but when thâ—y are grown and have teeth they use them and loath that which is prepared by others Thus it was with me in this case having then no prejudice begotten in me against them by conversing with those that were formerly called Puritans Sectaries Schismaticks and now called Phanaticks of which sort of People I then knew not any nor had read their Books But I do discharge my conscience upon my dying-bed in declaring my experience for the information of such as need it praying earnestly that the Testimony of a poor consumed dying creature might prevaile with those to whom the knowledge hereof shall come who think it worship enough to reade over a Prayer certain times in a day to distrust their condition before it is past cure I have nor parts and if I had I would not here imploy them to dispute the point of stinted forms of Prayer invented by some for the use of others Only this I did experience that the immediate sighs groans and longing desires of my heart sometimes expâ—est without words sometime in such words as occurred to my memory were graciously answered and consequently accepted of God and consequently to that wrought by his Spirit whose office is to be an Advocate in us as Christ is for us let the blind carnal world think and speak what they please to the contraty My wants were such as I found no printed Prayer that took notice of them and whether those Form-makers ever knew them or no I will not judge but if the Form-users were as hard followed as I was I believe they would cast away their crutches and scramble forward with their own legs I think their distress would not allow them time to look for a book A Prisoner condemned at the Bar begs for his Life without the help of a Petition written and such was my case But to return from this digression to the relation of the state I stood in at this time It was as I said a little before a state of righteousness by personal obedience for I was them of the works of the Law as the Apostle's phrase is Gal. 3. 10. I say of the works of the Law as of a trade in which I thought to earn eternal life and consequently I was under the curse because it is written Cursed is every one that continueth not in all things written in the book of the Law to do them It is nothing I can boast of and very little I can say as to what I did in this case to render my self well-pleasing to God and acceptable in his fight but what I could I did in works of piety and charity I thought most reverently of all persons in whom I did diseern a strict and circumspect conversation or would at any time speak of God or Holiness with any zeal or affection My indignation being no less kindled against the contrary especially those who were called the Clergy What I then observed among some of that rank was then is still and for ever will be the abhorrency of my soul but to mention it I am ashamed Unhappy Englant who art greatly infested with this generation For if Salt hath lost its savour wherewith shall it be seasoned and if the blind lead the blind both must fall into the ditch I was for some years tossed in this Sea where I found no calm nor any bottom to cast anehor in having the knowledge of sin but not of grace I judged my self the worst of sinners and oft wish'd I had never been born increasing my sin by that wish Walking sometimes alone when my fellows were in the pleasure of their childish sports I thought them blessed in comparison of my self as being not guilty of such sins as I was guilty of By these steps did the work of deep humiliation and bitter mourning for sin proceed in me And to that precipice was I brought that though God put under his hand secretly and did support me yet in mine own thoughts I was oft at the brink of utter despaire The dreadful consideration of appearing before the Judgement Seat of Christ came into my mind The first representation I had of him was that to him was committed the Judgment of the great Day and that he would exercise that Authority to my Condemnation unless I obtained mercy and favour from him Now notwithstanding I had oft read the story of Christs sufferings and wept in reading it being greatly affected with it and had a very high reverence about the Sacrament of his Supper being instituted to preserve the memorial of those sufferings Yet now I perceive and have done long that those were but humane passions working upon an object of great sorrows but no sanctified affections moved through a due sence of the meritorious cause of Christ's passion and consequently altogether without any saving knowledge of him Let such as resemble me in that frame of heart know that they deal
CONVERSION EXEMPLIFIED In the Instance of a Gracious Gentlewoman Now in Glory Wrâ—tten from her own mouth and Appointment by her dearest Friend And Published in pursuance of her desires for common benefit but especially for her near Relations in the flesh London Printed in the Year 1669. AN EPISTLE TO THE READER READER THe following History contains a Natrative of the Work of Conversion upon a Gentlewoman why now enjoyes the harvest of that seed time in Glory At the day of Judgment she will come again brâ—nging her sheaves with her having as you may here read sown in tears The unusual way of her translation out of the power of Satan into the Kingdom of Christ imprest so deep upon her heart so oft as she reflected on it as though her conscience was sprinkled with the blood of the Covenant yet she could not quietly think on dying till she had caused as much as in so languishing an estate as she was in she could call to mind to be written down that by the publishing of it God might be glorified and souls by her example receive some guidance comfort and establishment The greatest discouragement she herein met with was from a secret stirring of vain ostentation which she was so great an enemy to as she sometime thought it were better not let these things be known than to encline to seek her own name in them But she then considered that if a Christian should omit service till he be perfectly free from sinful self-seeking no duty should be done on this side Heaven â—herefore she proceeded in her purpose only desiring that her name should not be printed with it It would fill a bigger book than this which she directed to be written to give the Grace of Christ in her its full due But my design is brevity to which yet I am not under so strict an Obligation as to make me wholly silent while I have a duty to discharge to a Saint whose Faith though she be dead speaketh so exceeding loud Permit me then to write her Character truly and shortly In freedom from guile she was as if she had been twin-sister to Nathaniel and sole-daughter and heretrix to plain-hearted Jacob. Love to Christ and his Members burnt so hot in her in this frigid age wherein all seek their own as it drank up her radical moisture in a degree to the shortning of her life She did bear the suffering of enemies very uneasily but the wants of friends and relations especially if they were in Christ mingled her pleasant things with gall and wormwood Except in a very few instances I never knew such a Wife such a Child such a Sister such a Mother-in-law such a Friend for reality and ardency of love 'T is prodigious to this luke-warm age to lose such a pattern in the prime of her dayes Such was herself denial humility and constant sence of sin as seldom did any sound come from her lips in which she did not complain of and condemn her self and in private it was her constant practice Never such a sinner pardoned and saved was her daily cry In the description of natural and moral Excellencies I have seen Volumes written of Subjects much inferiour I shall satisfie my self in saying only That in her I have seen an end of those Perfections The heart and bowels are of great use in Nature being both architectonical paris and the seat of affections They were in her of so tender a composition as the fall of her earthly tabernacle at them commenced being deeply wounded at the calamities of Sufferers who sometimes on one side sometimes on another this divided Kingdom hath exposed to that condition Without repentance I am assured God will have an account of her blood of many instruments of cruelty who little think they had any hand in it sins of ignorance being in their nature no more venial than those against knowledge though they are less heinous Her eyes were wholly deprived of their beloved rest from Friday night till Tuesday afternoon when death closed them so far as those about her could discern Much about two compleat dayes and nights she wrestled under more immediate gripes of death and it was that what God had in so great plenty given her might have its due exercise for his glory It was indeed a time of sharp tryal but not the least prevailing against her faith and patience Her saying was My pain is great but God is good still He restrains Satan from troubling me in the least I feel no ravishing joy but I have setled peace in believing I was wont to be troubled at the consideration of the putrâ—faction of my body in the grave that it must be separated from the society of men and be wrapt up in darkness but I am now beyond all those things and long to be at rest In words to this purpose she oft exprest her mind Once she said It is hard work to be under the Arrest of Death as I am with all my sences in their free exercise She oft expressed fear of being held long under those pains yet with child like submission like that of Christ when he prayed that the Cup might pass from him which he was drinking And they were both heard in the thing they feaâ—ed for the Cup passed from Christ so soon as his prayer was ended and her patience was protracted till Death had set her free On the Monday morning before she dyed a worthy Friend of Mr. Caryl hers and choice Minister of the Gospel came to see her and spake to her of the Glory she was going into and the way God had led her in unto it and prayed with her When he had taken his leave she told me she perceived he was sent of God to scatter some Clouds that were gathering about her when he came in but his gracious Words had chased away that darkness During the seven years wherein I enjoyed her she would very frequently issue forth in discourse of Eternity and often would say What shall I do when I come to lanch into that Ocean The frequent contemplation of it made it easie to her at last for when her time came to change her station she did it with such chearfulness that her dear Friends and Acquaintance seeing her had their sorrow for parting with it ballanced with Joy So deep was the sence she had of the state of souls departed in regard of the unchangeableness of their condition as I have known her shed plenty of tears for some whose lives gave little hopes though she had no relation to them None needed other attractive of her love than to walk with God and endeavour to rescue souls from Satan She loved Children exceedingly and could not bear their hard usage and would frequently say she hated the name of a Mother-in-law and could not endure to think her self in that relation because it was generally the occasion of so much cruelty and wrong When she met with any poor
Illumination or an Anointing which teacheth all things the will is altogether incapacitated to chuse aright Nor am I ashamed to acknowledge those whose labours God hath used to inform and edifie me Mr. Pemble upon Faith and Grace was a book I took much pleasure in as that which made things clear to me which I formerly understood little of I understood the better what was written by him because I had experienced the truth of his Notions So much for freedom of will As to Perseverance which is another truth much opposed I have establishment in it from John 10. 28. And I give unto them eternal Life and they shall never perish neither shall any man pluck them our of my hand My Father which gave them me is greater than all and no man is able to pluck them out of my Fathers hand This saying of our Lord preserves me from being infected with that câ—â—nal â—otteâ— racking Opinion that a true justified person may fall from that state and that Chrisâ— and Satan change members dâ—â—â—y I proceed to the last stage of my travels about which I intend any farther discourse and that was Whitehall for thither the hand of providence led me and in a short time after I came thither I met with a change of my condition from single to married The dealings of God with me in this place and state were too remarkable to be past over in silence New relations call for new dâ—ties new duties require new graces and are as I said before attended with new tryals for sin sticking close to the whole man endeavours to promote it self by 〈…〉 currence in this world The sorrows and bitterness that every enjoyment in this life is attended with derives its Original from sin And although the comforts I met with in Marriage were many and such as that state affords to few in sundry particulars yet I found vanity enough in it also teaching me to say Arise and go hence for this is not thy rest Yet in all my straits still he was near that helped me and how bad soever my naughty heart behaved it self yet he that for his own sake loveth and saveth did deliver me God gave me to find favour in the eyes of the Governours and chief Persons in that Court and generally I did not observe any to be an enemy to me as first till some began to despise and hate me partly for my Profession and partly out of some little envy which those places abound with Now for a persons of my years and interest not to begin a building of worldly happiness upon such a foundation is very unusual For my part I am willing to take to my self the shame of confessing that I fell into this share only through Mercy it held me not long the Lord soon shewing me experimentally that Men of high degree are aâ—lyâ— and shewing me good reason why he commanded me to cease from them To relate the particular Tryals that here I met with would argue my memory over tenacious of such things and appear uncomely in other respects The miscarriages of Professors in this age is too notorious and God hath made their sufferings as visible To set forth God's dealings with me in those times is that which I am carrying on I remember that my approach to Marriage was with great perturbation of mind for though my affections were deeply engaged â—â— him that God provided for me and have from thence to this day grown up and that upon such principles as will endure when my relation to him as a wife shall cease yet worldly cares did present themselves to me in great multitudes the Devil providing instruments to help that business of his forward who frequently told me how unhappy I should be if such things and such things fell out I dare say the parties sought my good in it Peter did his Masters when he prayed him to spare himself yet was their discourse to me as Peters was tempting to sin It would be very unhansome to enter into the particulars of the things but in the toss and heat of them all my heart was up to God for a word of support who gave it me in the words spoken to Joshua Chap. 1. vers 5. repeared by the Apostle Heb. 13. 5. I will never leave thee nor forsake thee Upon my first reflections on this text I knew not what to make of it nor understood that it was to my case but a while after being in company with a very eminent Divine upon what occasion I know not now he sell into discourse upon that Scripture and said That it was evident from the foregoing verse that that Promise was by the Apostle mainly intended to arm people against those worldly cares that attend a married life His words brought me to remembrance how it had been by the immediate Voice of God whispered to me when I was exercised with those kind of distractions and I was surprized with such sudden comfort from it that though I said nothing my very looks discovered it to the party who enquiring of me found the relation of it which now I make At another time being under the fear of many dangers which I foresaw I was like to meet with I was relieved by reading If. 48. 17. Thus saith the Lord thy Redemer the holy One of Israel I am the Lord thy God which teachetâ— thee to profit which leadeth thee by the way which thou shouldst go Hence God confirmed me in the belief of his continued care over me in my wilderness walk and removed in some measure my tormenting fears At another time having faln under some afflicting providence but what it was I have forgotten God directed me to look into the cause of it from Isa 48. 18. O that thou hadst hearkened to my Commandments then had thy peace been as a River and thy righteousness as the Waves of the Sea This place was applyed by me as a reproof for my carnal conversation and that not improperly for I believe God taught me so to apply it though I conceive withal that it was originally uttered as an Expostulation with those who pervert Gospel-Light and Gospel-Duties turning them into a covenant of works as the Jews then did and as many nominal Christians now do thereby forsaking a Spring of living Water for a crackt vessel or dirty puddle At another time I was seriously poring upon my self and turning my thoughts upon the frame of my heart I observed such emptiness of Grace such fulness of Sin fainting in my spirit I said within my self How can God take the least pleasure in so wretched a Creature Then was the saying of David 2 Sam. 23. 5. brought to remembrance Although my house be not so with God yet hath he made with me an everlasting Covenant ordered in all things and sure Hence I collected that if Davids happiness of whom God gives so high a Testimony depended on an everlasting well ordered Covenant as the only basis of it