most Tragick issue Our blessed Lord hath inform'd his Disciples that they should weep and lament but the World should rejoyce that they should be sorrowful but their Sorrow should be turned into Joy and their Joy no man should take from them But the wicked is driven away in his wickedness Before the Pots can feel the thorns God shall take them away as with a Whirl-wind both living and in his wrath Thy Soul-friend and Servant for Jesus sake London Feb. 3. 1681. SATAN'S Methods and Malice BAFFLED c. I Hannah Allen the late Wife of Hannibal Allen Merchant was born of Religious Parents my Father was Mr. John Archer of Snelston in Derby-shire who took to Wife the Daughter of Mr. William Hart of Vttoxeter Woodland in Stafford-shire who brought me up in the fear of God from my Childhood and about Twelve Years of Age for my better Education sent me up to London in the Year 1650 to my Father's Sister Mrs. Ann Wilson the Wife of Mr. Samuel Wilson Merchant then Living in Aldermanbury and after some time spent there and at School I being not well in Health had a desire to go down for a time to my Mother being a Widow my Father dying when I was very young where I staid almost two Years In which time and a little before my going down it pleased God to work in me earnest breathings after the ways of God but the enemy of my Soul striving to crush such hopeful beginnings in the bud cast in horrible blasphemous thoughts and injections into my mind insomuch that I was seldom free day or night unless when dead sleep was upon me But I used to argue with my self to this purpose Whether if I had a Servant that I knew loved me and desired in all things to please me and yet was so forced against his will to do that which was contrary to my mind whether I would think ever the worse of him seeing I knew what he did was to his grief And by such thoughts as these it pleased God to give me some support wherein his goodness did the more appear in casting such thoughts into my mind I being young and also bearing this burthen alone not so much as acquainting my Mother with it but by degrees these Temptations grew to that height that I was perswaded I had sinned the Unpardonable Sin With these dreadful Temptations I privately conflicted for some Months not revealing it as I said to any one thinking with my self that never any was like me and therefore was loath to make my Condition known I would often in my thoughts wish I might change Conditions with the vilest Persons I could think of concluding there was hopes for them though not for me that Scripture in the 57. of Isa the two last Verses did exceedingly terrify me But the wicked are like the troubled Sea when it cannot rest whose waters cast up mire and dirt There is no peace to the wicked saith my God In this sad and perplexed state upon a Sabbath day my Mother having been reading in the Family in one of blessed Mr. Bolton's Books and being ready to go with them to Church I thought with my self To what purpose should I go to hear the Word since as I thought all means whatsoever for the good of my Soul were in vain but the same time I carelesly turning over Mr. Bolton's Book as it lay on the Table lighted on a place that directly treated on my Case which it pleased God so to bless that I was so much comforted and strengthned that I recovered for that time from my Despairing condition and so continued for several years with good hopes of the love of God in Christ towards me yet still continually assaulted with Temptations but with less violence than before After my abode in the Countrey almost two years with my Mother I returned to London to my Uncle and Aunt Wilson by whom about a Year and four Months after I was disposed of in Marriage to Mr. Hannibal Allen but still lived with my Uncle and Aunt Wilson till after my Uncle dyed and was about this time admitted to the Sacrament by Mr. Calamy with good approbation And in the time of his Life I was frequently exercised with variety of Temptations wherein the Devil had the more advantage I being much inclined to Melancholy occasioned by the oft absence of my dear and affectionate Husband with whom I lived present and absent about eight Years and soon after he went his last Voyage I went into the Countrey to live with my Aunt Wilson who was now a Widow and returned to live at Snelston with my aged Mother she being Married again and living elsewhere but in few Months after I heard of the death of my Husband for he dyed beyond Sea I began to fall into deep Melancholy and no sooner did this black humour begin to darken my Soul but the Devil set on with his former Temptations which at first were with less violence and frequent intermissions but yet with great struglings and fightings within me as I would express it to my Aunt I am just as if two were fighting within me but I trust the Devil will never be able to overcome me then I would repeat several promises suitable to my condition and read over my former experiences that I had writ down as is hereafter expressed and obligations that I had laid upon my self in the presence of God and would say Aunt I hope I write not these things in Hypocrisie I never intended any Eye should see them but the Devil suggesteth dreadful things to me against God and that I am an Hypocrite At the first I began to complain that I found not that comfort and refreshment in Prayer as I was wont to do and that God withdrew his comforting and quickening Presence from me When I had seen the Bible I would say oh that blessed Book that I so delighted in once the Devil was strongly assaulting my Faith and I seemed ready to be overcome I answered the Tempter within my self in the bitterness of my Spirit Well if I perish God must deny himself See the difference betwixt the voice of Faith and the Language of Despair At another time I cannot be saved because God cannot deny himself The truth is it had been most of all worth the Publishing my Expressions in the time of my Combating with Sathan at the beginning of my Affliction but those passages are most of all forgotten One hour my hope was firm and the next hour ready to be overwhelmed This began in Feb. 63. but it grew worse and worse upon me notwithstanding such means was used both by Physick and Journeys to several Friends for Diversion The last Journey I took upon this account was to a good Friend of mine a Minister Mr. John Shorthose who was related to me by Marriage who lived about Thirty Miles distance where I still grew much worse and my continual course there was to be asking him
aim was to make away my self just before the time came for I thought I had better go to Hell sooner than hear the Word still and thereby encrease my Torment and heap up wrath against the Day of wrath as I often exprest it I would sometimes say to my Cousin Walker will you not pity me that must as sure as that there is a God for ever burn in Hell I must Confess I am not to be pitied for did you know me you would abhor me and say Hell was too good for me yet however pity me as I am your fellow-Creature and once thought my self not only a Woman but a Christian and tho' I was such a dreadful wretch as now it appears yet I did not know it I verily thought my self in a good condition and when you see me come to my horrible End which I am sure will be ere long tho' you must loath me yet I say pity me Yes he would say if I thought it was true I would pity you but I do not believe it I used to say God could not save me and the reason I gave was that God could not deny himself I found within my self as I apprehended a scorning and jeering at Religion and them that profest it and a despising of 'em when I came to the heighth of my distemper the strugling and fighting that was in me continually at first while I combated with Satan left me When I complained how vile I was my Friends would tell me It was not I but the Devils Temptations I would Answer No it is from my self I am the Devil now the Devil hath now done his work he hath done tempting of me he hath utterly overcome me Then why are you so troubled would some say I would Answer Have I not cause to be troubled think you that am assuredly given up to the Devil and Eternally Damn'd I would write in several places on the walls with the point of my Sizers Woe Woe Woe and alass to all Eternity I am undone undone for ever so as never any was before me Upon some sudden occasion I would sometimes smile but when I did I would exceedingly check my self and be the more troubled afterwards Mr. Walker endeavoured to get Mr. Baxter to come to me but he still missed of him when he came to Town No said I God will not let Mr. Baxter come to such a Wretch as I am but I had then a secret desire to see him rather than any one else And to my best remembrance my Cousin Walker told me that he asked me if I would believe better of my self if Mr. Baxter told me my condition was safe and that I answered Yes When another Christian Friend Mr. Mason brought me acquainted with any of Gods People I would say Alass Mr. Mason you 'l dearly repent this and how must I Curse you in Hell for all that you did in kindness to me What is here writ of Mr. Blake and Mr. Mason is but to hint what may be said of my Carriage towards them The next Spring which was in May 1665. My Aunt Wilson came up to London being restless in her mind till she saw me when I heard that my Aunt was come to High-Gate to her Brother's House and did not come to London till Monday I often said I hoped to have seen my Aunt before I dyed but now I shall not this fire within me will kindle and burn me before Monday on Monday my Aunt came I being taken with the first sight of her went with her to dinner to a Friends house in the Old-Jury Mr. Hatt's House who afterwards Married her but was at my old Language still every Day That the Fire would kindle within me and burn me the Sickness then encreasing my Aunt resolved to take me down again into the Countrey which I was very glad of for there I thought I should live more privately and be less disturbed for so I accounted of the kind visits of Friends A week before Midsummer we set forward toward Darby-Shire and an uncomfortable Journey we had for by the way I would not eat sufficient to support Nature when I was come to Snelstone again I was where I would be for there I could do what I pleased with little opposition there I shunned all Company tho' they were my near Relations nor could I endure to be present at Prayer or any other part of Gods Worship nor to hear the sound of reading nor the sight of a Book or Paper tho' it were but a Letter or an Almanack The Lady Baker was pleased to write me several Letters which I would not so much as look on nor hear read by others one being brought me and I prest much to receive it tore it in pieces Nay I would strike the Horn-book out of my Childs hand but that would trouble me as soon as I had done it I would wish I had never seen Book or learned letter I would say it had been happy for me if I had been born blind daily repeating my accustomed Language that I was a Cursed Reprobate and the Monster of the Creation One Sabbath-day being disturbed about some small trifle I fell into violent passion weeping even to roaring and cry'd out I was made to be damn'd God made me to that very end to shew the power of his Justice more in me than in any other Creature My Aunt sometimes would tell me that my expressions were so dreadful she knew not how to bear them I would answer roundly but what must I do then that must feel them I would often say to my Aunt Oh you little know what a dismal dark condition I am in Methinks I am as dark as Hell it self my Aunt would say Cousin would you but believe you were melancholy it might be a great means to bring you out of this Condition Melancholy would I say I have Cause to be Melancholy that am as assuredly Damn'd as that there is a God and no more hopes of me than of the Devils I have more Cause to be Melancholy than they have it 's a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the Living God Heb. x. vers 31. My Aunt would persuade me to seek God in the use of means from that Argument of the resolution of the four Lepers in the 2 King vii 4. I would Answer with scorn I have heard that often enough One fit my humour was such that when Friends would have argued with me about my condition I would not speak but only give them some short scornful Answer and no more but I would be sometimes in one temper and sometimes in another my Aunt would take the advantage of my best humour to talk with me then and the main thing she designed in most of her Arguments with me was to convince me of the fallacy and delusion that was in my Opinion That it was so infallibly revealed to me that I was Damn'd but alass all took no place with me but
Questions whether the truth of Grace could consist with such sins for then I began to fear I was an Hypocrite and that place I thought upon with much dread in Job viii 13. The Hypocrites hope shall perish nor had I any ease longer than I was thus discoursing with him for though he often silenced my Objections and I seemed for the present to be much satisfied yet he was no sooner gone from me but my troubles returned afresh insomuch that his Wife would often send for him home when he was but gone into the Fields While I was there the Devil would suggest something to this purpose to me That when I was gone from him he would torment me After some stay there I returned home again where quickly I began to grow into deep Despair It was my custom for several years before to write in a Book I kept for that purpose in Short-Hand the Promises together with my Temptations and other afflictions and my experiences how God delivered me out of them mixing therewith Prayer and Praises which practice I continued till I was overwhelmed with despair some few passages whereof are here inserted as they were written in my deep distress This Book in my Affliction I would oft say would rise up in Judgment against me As I was walking with my Cousin Mrs. Shorthose a Woman cursed and sware sadly Ah Cousin said I I have abhorred such Company all my Life therefore I hope they shall not be my Companions to Eternity This being the 20th Feb. 63. is a time of great trouble and bitter Melancholy and one great cause is for want of the light of God's Countenance and for fear that if I should have any mercy shewed me I should abuse it and my wretchedly deceitful heart be drawn aside from God for I am only fit for the School of Affliction and on the other hand if God should send some further trials I should sink under them and my Life be made a burthen to me But Lord sure this is the voice of my wretched unbelieving heart The Lord for Christ's sake fit me for what ever thou wilt do with me that I may have power again Sin and Satan and enjoy the light of thy Countenance and then do with me what thou wilt Oh that I might prevail with my Lord for Christ's sake for graces suitable to every condition and that I may be able to improve every mercy and every affliction to thy glory and the comfort of my poor Soul and that I may be useful in my Generation and not be burthensom Lord pity my state for Christ's sake who hath never left me in my trials The sixth of April 64. The truth is I know not well what to say for as yet I am under sad Melancholy and sometimes dreadful Temptations to have hard thoughts of my dearest Lord The least assenting to which by his grace I dread more than Hell it self Temptations to impatience and despair and to give up all for lost and to close with the Devil and forsake my God which the Almighty for Christ's sake forbid These Temptations were with dreadful violence Besides my Melancholy hath bad effects upon my body greatly impairing my Health Truly there is sometimes such a woful confusion and combating in my Soul that I know not what to do And now my earnest Prayer to my Lord is this which I trust for Christ's sake he will not deny me though I cannot beg it with such earnest affections as I should yet I hope my heart is sincere that for my sweet Redeemer's sake he would preserve me from Sin and give me strength of Faith and Self-denial and patience to wait upon him and submit to him and let him do with me what he pleaseth My God I know thou hast for ever adored be thy Majesty appeared for me in many great and sore straits for the Lord Jesus sake now appear in mercy for me that I may have exceeding cause to bless thee for this thy mercy also and give me an assurance that thou art mine and that thou wilt never leave me till thou hast brought me to thy Self in glory The 12th of May 64. Still my time of great distress and sore trials continues sometimes the Devil tempts me wofully to hard and strange thoughts of my dear Lord which through his mercy I dread and abhor the assenting to more than Hell it self in a word every day at present seems a great burthen to me My earnest Prayer is For the Lords sake that if it be thy holy will I might not perish in this great affliction which hath been of so long continuance and is so great still notwithstanding means used however for the Lords sake let it be Sanctified to my eternal good and give me grace suitable to my condition and strength to bear my burthen and then do with me what thou wilt I know not what to say the Lord pity me in every respect and appear for me in these my great straits both of Soul and Body I know not what to do I shall be undone This I write to see what God will do with me whether ever he will deliver me out of such a distress as this that I may have cause to praise and adore his name in the Land of the Living Lord comfort me and support me and revive me for Christ's sake May 26th 64. I desire which the Lord help me to do exceedingly to bless and praise thy Majesty that hath yet in some measure supported me under these dreadful trials and temptations which do yet continue and have been woful upon me for almost four Months together For Christ's sake pity my case or else I know not what to do and do not deny me strength to bear up under my burthen and for the Lord's sake grant whatever thou dost with me that one Sin may not be in me unrepented of or unmortified Do with me what thou wilt as to the Creature so thou wilt subdue my sins and chain up Sathan and smile upon my Soul Lord I know not what to do only mine Eyes are up to thee the Devil still keeps me under dreadful bondage and in sad distress and wo but blessed be my God that he doth not lay upon me all afflictions at once that my Child is so well and that I have so many other mercies which the Lord open my Eyes to see especially that Christ is mine for the Lord's sake and then I have enough After this I writ no more but this and much more I writ before my last Journey aforesaid for by that time I came back I soon after fell into deep Despair and my language and condition grew sadder than before Now little to be heard from me but lamenting my woful state in very sad and dreadful Expressions As that I was undone for ever that I was worse than Cain or Judas that now the Devil had overcome me irrecoverably that this was what he had been aiming at all along Oh
you me of Possession I cared not if I were possest with a Thousand Devils so I were not a Devil to my self When some had told me that I had been Prayed for I would Answer I was the less beholding to them for it would but sink me the deeper into Hell I would often say I was a thousand times worse than the Devil for the Devil had never committed such Sins as I had for I had committed worse Sins than the Sin against the Holy-Ghost some would answer The Scripture speaks not of worse sins and can you be guilty of greater Sins than the Scripture mentions Yes said I My Sins are so great that if all the Sins of all the Devils and Damned in Hell and all the Reprobates on Earth were comprehended in one man mine are greater There is no word comes so near the comprehension of the dreadfulness of my Condition as that I am the Monster of the Creation in this word I much delighted I would say Let him that thinks he stands take heed lest he fall I once thought my self to stand but am miserably fallen When I was forc'd to be present at Duty I would often stop my Ears my Carriage was very rugged and cross contrary to my natural temper Here I practised many devices to make away my self sometimes by Spiders as before sometimes endeavouring to let my self blood with a pair of sharp sizers and so bleed to death once when the Surgeon had let me blood I went up into a Chamber and bolted the Door to me and took off the Plaister and tyed my Arm and set the Vein a bleeding again which Mrs. Walker fearing ran up stairs and got into the Chamber to me I seeing her come in ran into the Leads and there my Arm bled upon the Wall Now said I you may see there is the blood of a Cursed Reprobate I pleased my self often with contriving how to get into a Wood and dye there and one morning I cunningly got out from my Cousins and went into Smithfield where I walked up and down a great while and knew not what to do at last I tryed to hire a Coach but liked not the men there then I went into Aldersgate-street and asked a Coach-man what he would take to carry me to Barnet for then I meant to go into a Wood but the man upon some small occasion sadly Cursed and Swore which struck some Terrour into me what thought I must such as this be my Companions for ever and so went away from him and found one with a good honest look and with him I agreed and was to give him Eight Shillings who carryed me a good way beyond High-Gate and as I went along I thought am I now going to Converse with Devils with such like Thoughts as these I was discouraged from going on and called to the Coach-man and prayed him to drive back again and told him it was only a Melancholy Fancy By these and several other ways I thought to put an End to my Life but the watchful Eye of the Lord always graciously prevented me When I heard any dreadful thing cryed about the Streets in Books I would say Oh what fearful things will be put out of me ere long in Books I would say I should be called Allen that Cursed Apostate When I had tryed many ways to make away my self and still saw God prevented my designs I would say to my self Well I see it cannot be it must not be God will have me come to some fearful End and its fit it should be so that God may glorifie himself upon such a wretched Creature As I was going along the Streets a Godly Minister passing by me Oh thought I with what horrour shall I see that face at the great day so would I think by many others of Gods people that I knew either Relations or otherwise I said I exceedingly wondred that such a Pious man as I heard my Father was should have such a Child I used to say I would change conditions with Julian and that he was a Saint in comparison of me Nay That the Devil himself was a Saint compared with me I would say That the hottest place in Hell must be mine nay did you know me you would say it were too good for me tho' I poor Creature cannot think so When I complained of those dreadful Sins I said I was guilty of some would Ask me If I would be glad to be rid of 'em and to be in another Condition Yes said I so had the Devils who do you think would not be happy but I cannot desire it upon any other Account I would say I now saw that my Faith was only a Fancy and that according to an Expression of Mr. Baxters in a Book of his That the Love I formerly had to God was Carnal and Diabolical I would say to my Cousin Walker Tho' I am a damned Reprobate yet from me believe for sometimes the Devil speaks Truth that there is a God and that his Word is true and that there is a Devil and that there is an Hell which I must find by woful Experience I would often Ask my Cousin Walker What those that came to visit me thought of my Condition he would Answer Very well I much wondred at it and would do what I could to discourage 'em from coming yet if at any time I thought they neglected me I would be secretly troubled as afterward I said I was wont earnestly to Enquire whether it was possible that the Child of such a Mother as I could be saved yet I would say I was without Natural Affection that I Loved neither God nor Man and that I was given up to work all manner of wickedness with greediness We see no such thing by you would some say I would Answer I but it is in my heart Why doth it not break out in Act say they It will do ere long said I. The Devil would bring many places of Scripture to my mind especially Promises as I said to Jear me with them because once I thought I delighted in them but was miserably mistaken which did much terrifie me I would with Dread think with my self if the men of Beth-shemesh were so destroyed 1 Sam. vi 19. but for looking into the Ark what will be my Condemnation that have so often medled with the Holy Ordinances of God as the Word and Sacraments and now proved to be only a Cursed Hypocrite and nothing to do with them I thought with my self then I would not partake of the Sacrament of the Lords Supper for a thousand worlds When any Friend desired me to go to hear the Word of God I would earnestly beg of them to let me alone saying I had Sermons enough to Answer for already and that it would add to my great Account if they offer'd to compel me to go I would desire them to let me alone and I would go with them the next time if I lived till then but my