'T is more than he can hope to do And that will disingage my Conscience Of th' Obligation in his own sense I 'll make him now by force abide What he by gentle means deny'd To give my Honor satisfaction And right the Brethren in the Action This being resolv'd with equal speed And Conduct he approach'd his Steed And with Activity unwont Essay'd the lofty Beast to mount Which once atchiev'd he spurr'd his Palfrey To get from th' Enemy and Ralph free Left Danger Fears and Foes behind And beat at least three lengths the Wind. AN HEROICAL EPISTLE OF HUDIBRAS TO SIDROPHEL Ecce iterum Crispinus WEll Sidrophel though 't is in vain To tamper with your Crazy Brain Without Trepanning of your Scull As often as the Moon 's at Full 'T is not amiss ere y' are giv'n o'er To try one desp'rate Med'cine more For where your Case can be no worse The desp'rat'st is the wisest course Iâ—'t possible that you whose Ears Are of the Tribe of Issachars And might with equal Reason either For Merit or extent of Leather With William Pryn's before they were Retrench'd and Crucifi'd compare Should you be deaf against a noise So roaring as the Publick Voice That speaks your virtues free and loud And openly in ev'ry croud As loud as one that sings his part T' a Wheel-barrow or Turnip Cart Or your new Nicknam'd old Invention To cry Green Hastings with an Engine As if the vehemence had stun'd And torn your Drum-heads with the sound And ' cause your Folly 's now no news But over-grown and out of use Persuade your self there 's no such matter But that 't is vanish'd out of Nature When Folly as it grows in years The more extravagant appears For who but you could be possest With so much Ignorance and Beast That neither all mens Scorn and Hate Nor being Laugh'd and Pointed at Nor bray'd so often in a Morter Can teach you wholesome Sense and Nurture But like a Reprobate what course S'ever's us'd grow worse and worse Can no Transfusion of the Blood That makes Fools Cattle do you good Nor putting Pigs t' a Bitch to Nurse To turn 'em into Mungrel-Curs Put you into a way at least To make your self a better Beast Can all your critical Intrigues Of trying sound from rotten Eggs Your several New-found Remedies Of curing Wounds and Scabs in Trees Your Arts of Fluxing them from Claps And Purging their infected Saps Recov'ring Shankers Chrystallines And Nodes and Botches in their Rindes Have no effect to operate Upon that duller Block your Pate But still it must be lewdly bent To tempt your own due Punishment And like your whimsey'd Chariots draw The Boys to course you without Law â—s if the Art you have so long â—rofest of making old Dogs young In you had Virtue to renew Not only Youth but Childhood too Can you that understand all Books By judging only with your Looks Resolve all Problems with your Face As others do with B's and A's Unriddle all that Mankind knows With solid bending of your Brows All Arts and Sciences advance With screwing of your Countenance And with a penetrating Eye Into th' abstrusest Learning pry Know more of any Trade b' a hint Than those that have been bred up in 't And yet have no Art true or false To help your own bad Naturals But still the more you strive t' appear Are found to be the wretcheder For Fools are known by looking wise As Men find Woodcocks by their Eies Hence 't is that ' cause y'have gai'nd o' th' Colledge A Quarter-share at most of Knowledge And brought in none but spent Repute Y' assume a Pow'r as absolute To Judge and Censure and Controll As if you were the sole Sir Poll And saucily pretend to know More then your Dividend comes to You 'll find the thing will not be done With Ignorance and Face alone No though y' have purchas'd to your Name In History so great a Fame That now your Talent's so well known For having all belief outgrown That ev'ry strange Prodigious Tale Is measur'd by your German Scale By which the Virtuosi try The Magnitude of ev'ry Ly Cast up to what it does amount And place the big'st to your account That all those stories that are lay'd Too truly to you and those made Are now still charg'd upon your score And lesser Authors nam'd no more Alas that Faculty destroys Those soonest it designs to raise And all your vain Renown will spoil As Guns o're-charg'd the more recoyl Though he that has but Impudence To all things has a fair Pretence And put among his wants but shame To all the World may lay his claim Though you have try'd that nothing's born With greater ease than Publique Scorn That all affronts do still give Place To your Impenetrable Face That makes your way through all affairs As Pigs through Hedges creep with theirs Yet as 't is Counterfeit and Brass You must not think 't will always pass For all Impostors when they 'r known Are past their Labor and undone And all the best that can befall An Artificial Natural Is that which Madmen find as soon As once th' are broke loose from the Moon And proof against her Influence Relapse to e're so little Sense To turn stark Fools and Subjects fit For sport of Boys and Rabble-wit Annotations TO THE SECOND PART But now t' observe c. THe beginning of this Second Part may perhaps seem strange and abrupt to those who do not know that it was written of purpose in imitation of Virgil who begins the IV Book of his Aeneides in the very same manner At Regina gravi c. And this is enough to satisfie the curiosity of those who believe that Invention and Fancy ought to be measur'd like Cases in Law by Precedents or else they are in the power of the Critick A Saxon Duke did grow so fat This History of the Duke of Saxony is not altogether so strange as that of a Bishop his Country-man who was quite eaten up with Rats and Mice King Pyrrhus cur'd his Splenetick And testy Courtiers with a kick Pyrrhus King of Epirus who as Pliny says had this occult Quality in his Toe Pollicis in dextro Pede tactu Lienosis medebatur L. 7. C. 11. In close Catasta shut c. Catasta is but a pair of Stocks in English But Heroical Poetry must not admit of any vulgar word especially of paultry signification and therefore some of our Modern Authors are fain to import foraign words from abroad that were never before heard of in our Language 'T was he that made St. Francis do c. The Ancient Writers of the Lives of Saints were of the same sort of People who first writ of Knight-Errantry and as in the one they rendred the brave Actions of some very great Persons ridiculous by their prodigious Lies and sottish way of describing them So they have abus'd the Piety of some very devout Persons by imposing such stories
the skin You 'l find about her no such thing It may be so yet what we tell Of Trulla that 's improbable Shall be depos'd by those have seen 't Or what 's as good produc'd in print And if they will not take our word We 'l prove it true upon record The upright Cerdon next advanc't Of all his Race the Valiant'st Cerdon the Great renown'd in Song Like Hâ—rc'les for repair of wrong He rais'd the low and fortify'd The weak against the strongest side Ill has he read that never hit On him in Muses deathless writ He had a weapon keen and fierce That through a Bull-hide shield would pierce And cut it in a thousand pieces Though tougher than the Knight of Greece his With whom his black thumb'd Ancestor Was Comrade in the ten years War For when the restless Greeks set down So many years before Troy Town And were renown'd as Homer writes For well-sol'd Boots no less than Fights They ow'd that Glory only to His Ancestor that made them so Fast friend he was to Reformation Until 't was worn quite out of fashion Next Rectifier of Wry Law And would make three to cure one flaw Learned he was and could take note Transcribe Collect Translate and Quote But Preaching was his chiefest Talent Or Argument in which b'ing valiant He us'd to lay about and stickle Like Ram or Bull at Conventicle For Disputants like Rams and Bulls Do fight with Arms that spring from Skulls Last Colon came bold man of War Destin'd to blows by fatal Star Right expert in Command of Horse But cruel and without remorse That which of Centaure long ago Was said and has been wrested to Some other Knights was true of this He and his Horse were of a piece One Spirit did inform them both The self-same Vigor Fury Wroth Yet he was much the rougher part And always had a harder heart Although his Horse had been of those That fed on Man's flesh as Fame goes Strange food for Horse and yet alass It may be true for Flesh is Grass Sturdy he was and no less able Than Hercules to cleanse a Stable As great a Drover and as great A Critick too in Hog or Neat. He ripp'd the Womb up of his Mother Dame Tellus ' cause she wanted fother And Provender wherewith to feed Himself and his less-cruel Steed It was a question whether He Or 's Horse were of a Family More Worshipful till Antiquaries After th' ad almost por'd out their Eies Did very learnedly decide The business on the Horse's side And prov'd not only Horse but Cows Nay Pigs were of the elder house For Beasts when Man was but a piece Of earth himself did th' earth possess These Worthies were the Chief that led The Combatants each in the head Of his Command with Arms and Rage Ready and longing to engage The numerous Rabble was drawn out Of several Countreys round about From Villages remote and Shires Of East and Western Hemispheres From forain Parishes and Regions Of different Manners Speech Religions Came Men and Mastives some to fight For Fame and Honor some for sight And now the field of Death the lists Were entred by Antagonists And bloud was ready to be broached When Hudibras in haste approached With Squire and Weapons to attack them But first thus from his Horse bespake them What Rage O Citizens what fury Doth you to these dire actions hurry What Oestrum what phrenetick mood Makes you thus lavish of your bloud While the proud Vies your Trophies boast And unreveng'd walks ghost What Towns what Garrisons might you With hazard of this bloud subdue Which now y' are bent to throw away In vain untriumphable fray Shall Saints in Civil bloudshed wallow Of Saints and let the Cause lie fallow The Cause for which we fought and swore So boldly shall we now give o're Then because Quarrels still are seen With Oaths and Swearing to begin The Solemn League and Covenant Will seem a meer God-dam me Rant And we that took it and have fought As lewd as Drunkards that fall out For as we make War for the King Against himself the salf-same thing Some will not stick to swear we do For God and for Religion too For if Bear-baiting we allow What good can Reformation do The Bloud and Treasure that 's laid out Is thrown away and goes for nought Are these the fruits o' th' Protestation The Prototype of Reformation Which all the Saints and some since Martyrs Wore in their Hats like Wedding-Garters When 't was resolv'd by either House Six Members quarrel to espouse Did they for this draw down the Rabble With zeal and noises formidable And make all Cries about the Town Joyn throats to cry the Bishops down Who having round begirt the Palace As once a month they do the Gallows As Members gave the sign about Set up their throats with hideous shout When Tinkers bawl'd aloud to settle Church-Discipline for patching Kettle No Sow-gelder did blow his Horn To geld a Cat but cry'd Reform The Oyster-women lock'd their Fish up And trudg'd away to cry No Bishop The Mousetrap-men laid Save-alls by And ' gainst Ev'l Counsellors did cry Botchers left old Cloaths in the lurch And fell to turn and patch the Church Some cry'd the Covenant instead Of Pudding-pies and Ginger-bread And some for Broom old Boots and Shooes Baul'd out to purge the Common's House Instead of Kitchinstuff some cry A Gospel-preaching-Ministry And some for Old Suits Coats or Cloak No Surplices nor service-Service-book A strange harmonious inclination Of all degrees to Reformation And is this all is this the end To which these carr'ings on did tend Hath Publick Faith like a young heir For this tak'n up all sorts of Ware And run in t ' ev'ry Tradesman's book Till both turn'd Bankrupts and are broke Did Saints for this bring in the Plate And crowd as if they came too late For when they thought the Cause had need on 't Happy was he that could be rid on 't Did they coyn Piss pots Bouls and Flaggons Int ' Officers of Horse and Dragoons And into Pikes and Musqueteers Stamp Beakers Cups and Porringers A Thimble Bodkin and a Spoon Did start up living men as soon As in the Furnace they were thrown Just like the Dragon's teeth b'ing sown Then was the Cause all Gold and Plate The Brethrens off'rings consecrate Like th' Hebrew-calf and down before it The Saints fell prostrate to adore it So say the Wicked and will you Make that Sarcasmous Scandal true By running after Dogs and Bears Beasts more unclean than Calves or Steers Have pow'rful Preachers ply'd their tongues And laid themselves out and their Lungs Us'd all means both direct and sinister I' th' power of Gospel-Preaching Minister Have they invented Tones to win The Women and make them draw in The Men as Indians with a Female Tame Elephant enveigle the Male Have they told Prov'dence what it must do Whom to avoid and whom to trust to Discover'd
your Native Insolences That to your own Imperious Wills Laid Law and Gospel Neck and Heels Corrupted the Old Testament To serve the New for Precedent T' amend its Errors and Defects With Murther and Rebellion-Texts Of which there is not any one In all the Book to sow upon And therefore from your Tribe the Jews Held Christian Doctrine forth and Vse As Mahomet your Chief began To mix them in the Alchoran Denounc'd and pray'd with Fierce Devotion And bended Elbows on the Cushion Stole from the Beggars all your Tones And Gifted Mortifying Groans Had Lights where better Eyes were blind As Pigs are said to see the Wind Fill'd Bedlam with Predestination And Knights-Bridge with Illumination Made Children with your Tones to run for 't As bad as Bloody Bones or Lunsford While Women Great with Child miscarri'd For being to Malignants marri'd Transform'd all Wives to Dalilahs Whose Husbands were not for the Cause And turn'd the Men to Ten-Horn'd Cattel Because they came not out to Battel Made Taylors Prentices turn Heroes For fear of being transform'd to Meroz And rather forfeit their Indentures Than not espouse the Saints Adventures Could Transubstantiate Metamorphose And charm whole Herds of Beasts like Orpheus Inchant the King's and Churches Lands T' obey and follow your Commands And settle on a New Free-hold As Marcly-Hill had done of Old Could turn the Covenant and translate The Gospel into Spoons and Plate Expound upon all Merchants Cashes And open th' intricatest Places Could Catechise a Mony Box And prove all Powches Orthodox Vntil the Cause became a Damon And Pythias the wicked Mammon And yet in spight of all your Charms To conjure Legion up in Arms And raise more Devils in the Rout Than e'er ywere able to cast out Y' have been reduc'd and by those Fools Bred up you say in your own Schools Who though but gifted at your feet Have made it plain they have more Wit By whom you have been so oft trepan'd And held forth out of all Command Out-gifted Out-impuls'd Out-done And Out-reveal'd at Carryings on Of all your Dispensations Worm'd Out-providenc'd and Out-reform'd Ejected out of Church and State And all things but the People's Hate And spirited out of th' Enjoyments Of precious edifying Employments By those who lodg'd their Gifts and Graces Like better Bowlers in your Places All which you bore with Resolution Charg'd on th' Account of Persecution And though most Righteously opprest Against your Wills still acquiest And never Hum'd and Hah'd Sedition Nor snuffled Treason nor Misprision That is because you never durst For had you preach'd and pray'd your worst Alas you were no longer able To raise your Posse of the Rabble One single Red-Coat Sentinel Out-charm'd the Magick of the Spell And with his Squirt-fire could disperse Whole Troops with Chapter rais'd and Verse We knew too well those tricks of yours To leave it ever in your Powers Or trust our Safeties or Vndoings To your disposing of Out-goings Or to your Ordering Providence One Farthings-worth of Consequence For had you Pow'r to undermine Or Wit to carry a Design Or Correspondence to trepan Inveagle or betray one Man There 's nothing else that intervenes And bars your Zeal to use the means And therefore wondrous like no doubt To bring in Kings or keep them out Brave undertakers to restore That could not keep your selves in pow'r T' advance the Intersts of the Crown That wanted Wit to keep your own 'T is true you have for I 'ld be loth To wrong ye done your Parts in Both To keep him out and bring him in As Grace is introduc'd by Sin For 't was your zealous want of Sense And sanctifi'd Impertinence Your carrying business in a Huddle That forc'd our Rulers to New-Modle Oblig'd the State to tack about And turn you Root and Branch all out To Reformado One and All T' your Great Croysado General Your greedy slav'ring to devour Before 't was in your Clutches Pow'r That sprung the Game you were to set Before y' had time to draw the Net Your spight to see the Churches Lands Divided into other Hands And all your Sacrilegious Ventures Laid out on Tickets and Debentures Your Envy to be sprinkled down By Vnder Churches in the Town And no Course us'd to stop their Mouths Nor th' Independants spreading Growths All which consider'd 't is most true None bring him in so much as you Who have prevail'd beyond their Plots Their Midnight Junto's and seal'd Knots That thrive more by your Zealous Piques Than all their own rash Politicks And thâ—s way you may claim a share In carrying as you brag th' Affair Else Frogs and Toads that croak'd the Jews From Pharo and his Brick-kills-loose And Flies and Mange that set them free From Task-Masters and Slavery Were likelier to do the Feat In any indifferent Man's Conceit For who e'er heard of Restoratian Vntill your thorough Reformation That is the King 's and Churches Lands Were sequestred in t ' other Hands For only then and not before Your Eyes were opened to restore And when the Work was carrying on Who crost it but your selves alone As by a World of Hints appears All plain and extant as your Ears But first o' th' first the Isle of Wight Will rise up if you should deny 't Where Hinderson and th' other Masses Were sent to cap Texts and put Cases To pass for Deep and Learned Scholars Although but Paltry Ob-and-Sollers As if th' unseasonable Fools Had been a Cursing in the Schools Vntil th' had prov'd the Devil Author O' th' Covenant and the Cause his Daughter For when they charg'd him with the Guilt Of all the Blood that had been spilt They did not mean he wrought th' Effusion In Person like Sir Pride or Hughson But only those who first begun The Quarrel were by him set on And who could those be but the Saints Those Reformation-Termegants But e'er this past the wise Debate Spent so much time it grew too late For Oliver had gotten Ground T' enclose them with his Warriers round Had brought his Providence about And turn'd the untimely Sophists out Nor had the Uxbridge bus'ness less Of Non-sence in 't and sottishness When from a Scoundrel Holder-forth The Scum as well as Son o' th' Earth Your mighty Senators took Law At his Command were forc'd t' withdraw And sacrifice the Peace o' th' Nation To Doctrine Vse and Application So when the Scots your constant Cronies Th' Espousers of your Cause and Monies Who had so often in your Aid So many ways been soundly paid Came in at last for better Ends To prove themselves your trusty Friends You basely left them and the Church Th' had train'd you up to in the Lurch And suffer'd your own Tribe of Christians To fall before as true Philistines This shews what Vtensils y' have been To bring the King's Concernments in Which is so far from being true That none but He can bring in You. And if he take you into
many a horrid Fright And claw'd by Goblins in the Night Insulted on Revil'd and Jeer'd With rude Invasion of his Beard And when your Sex was foully scandal'd As foully by the Rabble handled Attack'd by despicable Foes And drub'd with mean and vulgar blows And after all to be debarr'd So much as standing on his Gaurd When Horses being spurr'd and prick'd Have leave to kick for being kick'd Or why should you whose Mother Wits Are furnish'd with all Perquisits That with your Breeding Teeth begin And Nursing Babies that Lie in B' allow'd to put all tricks upon Our Cully-Sex and we use none We who have nothing but frail Vows Against your Statagems t' oppose Or Oaths more feeble than your own By which we are no less put down You wound like Parthians while you fly And kill with a Retreating Eye Retire the more the more we press To draw us into Ambushes As Pyrates all false Colours wear T' intrap th' unwary Mariner So Women to surprize us spread Their borrowed Flags of White and Red. Display 'em thicker on their Cheeks Than their old Grand-mothers the Picts And raise more Devils with their Looks Than Conjurers less subtil Books Lay Trains of Amorous Intrigues In Towrs and Curls and Perriwigs With greater Art and cunning rear'd Than Philip Ny's Thanks-giving-beard Prepost'rously t' intice and Gain Those to adore 'em they disdain And onely draw 'em in to clog With idle Names a Catalogue A Lover is the more he 's brave T' his Mistress but the more a Slave And whatsoever she commands Becomes a Favour from her hands Which he 's oblig'd t' obey and must Whether it be unjust or just Then when he is compell'd by her T' Adventures he would else forbear Who with his Honour can withstand Since Force is greater than Command And when Necessity 's obey'd Nothing can be unjust or bad And therefore when the mighty Pow'rs Of Love your great Ally and yours Joyn'd Forces not to be withstood By frail enamoured Flesh and Blood All I have done unjust or ill Was in obedience to your Will And all the blame that can be due Falls to your Cruelty and you Nor are those Scandals I confest Against my Will and Interest More than is daily done of course By all men when th' are under force Whence some upon the Rack confess What th' Hang-man and their Prompters please But are no sooner out of pain Then they deny it all again But when the Devil turns Confessor Truth is a Crime he takes no pleasure To hear or pardon like the Founder Of Lyars whom they all claim under And therefore when I told him none I think it was the wiser done Nor am I without Precedent The first that on th' Adventure went All Mankind ever did of course And daily does the same or worse For what Romance can shew a Lover That had a Lady to recover And did not steer a nearer Course To fall aboard in his Amours And whaâ— at first was held a Crime Has turn'â— to Honourable in time To what a height did Infant Rome By Ravishing of Women come When Men upon their Spouses seiz'd And freely Marry'd where they pleas'd They ne'r Forswore themselves nor Ly'd Nor in the Minds they were in Dy'd Nor took the pains t' address and sue Nor plaid the Masquerade to wooe Disdain'd to stay for Friends Consents Nor juggled about Settlements Did need no License nor no Priest Nor Friends nor Kindred to assist Nor Lawyers to joyn Land and Money In th' Holy State of Matrimony Before they setled Hands and Hearts Till Alimony or Death departs Nor would endure to stay until Th' had got the very Bride's Good Will But took a wise and shorter Course To win the Lady's Down-right Force And justly made 'em Prisoners then As they have often since us Men With Acting Plays and Dancing Jiggs The luckiest of all Love's Intrigues And when they had them at their pleasure Then talkt of Love and Flames at leisure For after Matrimony's over He that holds out but Half a Lover Deserves for ev'ry Minute more Than half a Year of Love before For which the Dames in Contemplation Of that best way of Application Prov'd Nobler Wives than e'er were known By Suit or Treaty to be won And such as all Posterity Could never equal nor come nigh For Women first were made for Men Not Men for them It follows then That Men have Right to every one And they no Fâ—eedom of their own And therefore Men have pow'r to chuse But they no Charter to refuse Hence 't is apparent that what Course So e'er we take to your Amours Though by the indirectest way 'T is no Injustice nor Foul Play And that you ought to take that Course As we take you for Bett'r or Worse And gratefully submit to those Who you before another chose For why should every savage Beast Exceed his Great Lord's Interest Have freer Pow'r than he in Grace And Nature o'er the Creature has Because the Laws he since has made Have cut off all the Pow'r he had Retrench'd the absolute Dominion That Nature gave him over Women When all his Pow'r will not extend One Law of Nature to suspend And but to offer to repeal The smallest Clause is to rebell This if Men rightly understood Their Privilege they would make good And not like Sots permit their Wives T' encroach on their Prerogatives For which Sin they deserve to be Kept as they are in Slavery And this some precious Gifted Teachers Unrev'rently reputed Leachers And disobey'd in making Love Have vow'd to all the World to prove And make yâ—â—â—ffer as ye ought For that uncharitable Fault But I forget my self and rove Beyond th' Instructions of my Love Forgive me Fair and only blame Th' Extravagancy of my Flame Since 't is too much at once to shew Excess of Love and Temper too All I have said that 's bad and true Was never meant to aim at you Who have so Sov'rain a Controul O'er that poor Slave of yours my Soul That rather than to forfeit you Has ventur'd loss of Heaven too Both with an equal Pow'r possest To render all that serve you Blest But none like him who 's destin'd either To have or lose you both together And if you 'l but this fault release For so it must be since you please I 'll pay down all that Vow and more Which you commanded and I swore And expiate upon my Skin The Arrears in full of all my Sin For 't is but just that I should pay Th' accruing Penance for Delay Which shall be done until it move Your equal pity and your Love The Knight perusing this Epistle Believ'd h 'had brought her to his Whistle And read it like a jocund Lover With great applause t' himself twice over Subscrib'd his Name but at a Fit And humble distance to his wit And dated it with wondrous Art Giv'n from the bottom of his heart Then seal'd it with his Coat