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ID Title Author Corrected Date of Publication (TCP Date of Publication) STC Words Pages
A16799 Strange nevves out of diuers countries neuer discouered till of late, by a strange pilgrime in those parts. Breton, Nicholas, 1545?-1626? 1622 (1622) STC 3702.5; ESTC S104700 16,963 28

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No man must build castles in the aire for feare they breake his necke in the falling 30. No man mustly open his wiues secrets lest she commit them rather to a wise friend then a foolish husband 31 No man must leaue an old friend for a new for feare he lose by the exchange of his credit 32 No wise man must marry a foole lest shee waste his goods and corrupt the perfection of his capacitie 33 Beggers must keepe from the Alehouse for feare they drinke out the reuenue of charitie 34. Rich men must not counterfet pouertie lest the thiefe discouer the truth of their dissembling 35. No man must be wise in his owne conceit lest he proue a foole ere he be aware 36. No man must talke to himselfe as he walkes lest he be thought to be mad or making verses 37. No Bankerout must purchase land lest hee be thought to cozen his Creditors with his breaking 38. No man must conuerse with a witch for feare he go to the diuell by Atturney 39. No man must put his land into mony lest the Bankerout runne away with his inheritance 40. No man must cary two faces in a hood for feare that the diuell be in one of them 41. No woman must crie when she weepes lest it be thought more for curst heart then any other cause 42. No man must haue two wiues lest one proue too much to be well managed 43. No meetings but for meriment 44. No bargaines but for a bag-pudding 45. Friends must not fall out 46. Neighbours must be friends 47. Patience was neuer angrie and quietnesse was a goodly hearing 48. Fathers darling and mothers nowne childe must be brethren and sisters children and cousin Varmins remoued must trust to the world as they finde it These were the chiefe Articles agreed vpon among his Ninnihammers which being published among poore fo●l●s were kept as well as they could hit on it Now to the purpose such a Commonwealth for a dog being gouerned by Apes and Asses the great Foole of all must needs be a strange beast and yet in the shape of a man he walkes strangely through the world and one thing among other he hit on strangely to saue charges in charitie hee tooke this order for beggers that rather then they should lacke lodging they should sit in the stockes and in stead of almes perswade them to fasting because abstinence is a fit preparation to prayer This little worshipful Iohn a Nods in stead of a mistakē gentleman hath bin in his youth brought vp in learning how to reade ilfauouredly and to write worse and yet with much adoe after his schoolemistris an old woman with spectacles had taught him his Primer and the Clerke of a country Church had taught him to write a Copie or two and put his name to a bill Lobligatorie he grew to such a delight in reading of Ballads and hearing of olde stories that he bought at the second hand out of the Librarie of little learning some few bookes of his mothers language which hauing kept long in an old chest did now serue him for his Librarie which bookes sometime asse he was able to finde idle time which at the best is little better he would now and then take out of his course cabbinet and reade by peece-meales as it came into his addle braine the names whereof as I found them set downe were these I meane chiefly those whom his little vnderstanding tooke most pleasure in Presidents of Imperfections Newes of no importance and Labour in vaine And first for Presidents of Imperfections He that would put out his eyes because he would see no vanities would be a blind man and so an imperfect man He that would cut out his tongue because he would tell no vntruthe should be a dumbe man and so an imperfect man He that would cut off his hands because he would take no bribes should be a lame man and so an imperfect man And as of men so of women A maide is no perfect woman because without the helpe of man she is onely called a Maide and not a woman A widow is an imperfect woman because with the losse of her man she loseth the title of a woman and is onely called a widow but not a woman A barren woman is no perfect woman for a woman was created to increase an multiply till therefore she haue brought forth children she is an imperfect woman except the fault be in the man and then he is an imperfect man to put such imperfection vpon a woman A whore is no perfect woman for euery woman is either a maide a wise or a widow and being neither of these she must needs be a monster and so an imperfect woman A painted woman is no perfect woman for all women by nature are either faire or foule but if an artificial faire be set vpon a foule complexion it makes but a speaking picture and a picture is no perfect woman These and such like were his Presidents of imperfections which for his poore instruction he would take some idle humors to bestow his blind sight vpon The next booke was intituled Newes of no importance which I found set downe as followeth First in the Gulfe of small grace neare to the coast of Comgligrande vpon the fourteenth day of the fifteenth moneth in the strange yeare of foule weather it is said that in the passage boate betweene Verola and Gon●ria two dangerous places for infection the boate entring into the Lake of Lasciuiousnes a very vnwholsome harbor with ouercharging the vessell perished a great number of poore people who bringing but common ware to the market and their greatest losses being Asses and galled Hackneys it seemed there was no great misse of them for I find nothing worthy nothing written of them and therefore being Newes of no importance they serued onely for a tale of a tub to exercise the braines of such a Hogshead Secondly from the land of Vnluckinesse in the citie of Sinfulnesse it was reported that Sir Henrie had land Sir Lawrence litle wit and Sir Ninny nothing worth three Knights of the Order of Saint-Asse men of infamous memorie after that they had runne through the courses of expences without euer hope of recouerie of either coine or credit going in the gulfe of Canavery to see a Beare hunt a wilde ducke fell by chance into a But of Malligo where they were drowned horse and foot what became of their Funerals or Epitophs vpon their deaths hauing no matter in their liues to be recorded I can say nothing but that the Newes being of no great importance it is no matter for their passage out of life but for feare of their passage to no better and so let them go and as many fooles as will follow them Thirdly in the Iland of Saint Elfe the great Ladie of little worth which was no lesse kinde to her neighbours then readie to entertaine strangers and for her recreation had set vp many May-poles in
are as wanton as kitlings for they will play with a mouse till they haue wearied her of her life and for the aged they are so melancholik that the youthfull haue no pleasure in them For Louers they are so foolish that they will weepe if they haue not their wils but if the Groome get his Bride he will so pranke it and she so prinke it that while it is hony Moone there wil be such ioy as if Summer should neuer heare of Winter Languages they haue not many and few that speake one wel and for learning it is most in obseruation for as the Gander goes the Geese follow Their husbandrie is most in turning vp of fat earth and their corne is Rie and Oates which they sow in the Spring and reape in the Fall Diseases they haue not many for labour sweates out ill humors but for their womē they are ful of qualmes especially when they haue declined with the masculine gender Their trafficke is much for trumpery and if they saue their stockes whole they thinke they haue made a good market Their Aduentures are fearfull for they endanger the body for the soule and their mindes are so fantasticke that their wits are like weathercocks Friendship they regard not but take it as they finde it and for loue it is so light that they know not how to take hold of it They haue among them certaine Fortune tellers which vse commonly among fooles and for knaues they are so cunning that they go vnder the shadow of honest men Some odde shauers they haue among them called Die Doppers whose diuing or dopping somtimes proues deadly for they will diue so closely into your pocket for your purse that you can hardly see them till they be vpon the gallowes Other kinde of close mates there are that cary Rings in their mouthes to keepe their tongues within their teeth and they are called Squiers but they are onely of the order of the Apple their names are often recorded in a Court of Correction where the Registrer of Rogues makes no little gaine of Rascabilians Other kind of subtill companions there are which are called Setters which finding yong heads that are too narrow in the browes will feed their humors with such follies as may either bring them to beggery or in the height of an idle braine for words aboue wit breake the backs of their estates or send them to heauen in a string Now these they say are great with the Diuell for they do a great deale of mischiefe in the world their names are onely found in the notes of destruction for by their hellish courses they sell themselues to damnation Other kind of knick-knackers there are which betwixt knaue and foole can make an ilfauourd passage through the world Schollers they haue many that are perfect in the home-home-book who when they were yong were taught their crosse-row and to spell and put together before they could well reade They had moreouer a kind of Rimers which were great proficients to the Players and Pedlers which are the fooles of Poets for they taste little of Poetry more then the last two letters but for the pot they may well challenge that badge for it is the maintainer of their Muses Now among all these they haue a kinde of Naturals which get the start of better wits for they are prouided for the backe and the belly without care or labour and somtime haue accesse where better braines are barred out and if they be she-fooles they are kept fine and cleanly to come and play with children and aged people But among all these it is set downe that there is one great foole of their owne chusing that for a certaine time hath the commandement of most part of them who during his time may do very much in little matters who with his copesmates hauing in his hand the staffe of smal strength and willing to shew the greatnesse of his little wit for to make a Stable of his gouernment to the subiects of his Supernoditie set downe certaine Articles to be obserued and carefooly to be lookt vnto as they would answer it at their pleasure and those scarce worth the printing yet were to be read in Markets Faires Wakes and merrie meetings vpon such dayes as should be thought fit for such a purpose First that no sword should be carried before any of his Magistrates for all should be obeyed for good fellowship Secondly that no man without legs should haue armes lest a coate without sleeues should make a Iacke an Apes a Gentleman Thirdly that no man should keep two men in one Liuery lest the coate should not be fit when it came to wearing Fourthly that no man should blush at the telling of a lie because it was more common then truth 5. No man must commit any secrets to a woman lest it burst her heart before she haue reuealed it 6. No man must kneele to a dead image while there is one aliue for the purpose 7. No man must go on foote if he may ride lest his horse be founderd in the stable 8. No Landlord must let his trees grow too long lest they proue dotards 9. No widow must be afraid to marry because one man may be like another 10. No man must die for loue lest a Goose graze on his graue 11. No man must denie his neighbours Goose his Gander for feare of wanting Goslings at Goose Faire 12. No tradesman must be idle for feare his wife be oue●busie● in prouiding for implements 13. No Sea-man must keepe his frigot vntrimd lest she lose the opportunitie of a good voyage 14. No man must be iealous of his wife for feare it should not be without cause 15. Euery childe should know is owne father if he could 16. Euery woman should know her husband from another man if she likt him 17. No foule woman should weare any Mask for feare of abusing the hope of beautie 18. No faire woman should be painted lest Art should put downe nature 19. Euery woman must keepe close her husbands secrets for feare of losing the comfort of her knowledge 20. Women must be honored for their wit when they make fooles of the wisest men 21. Women must be pited for their trauell for they take more paines in bearing of one childe then a man doth in getting of twentie 22. No man must be too learned for feare he be thought to coniure 23. No man must be too wise lest he be troubled with too many fooles 24 No man must marry a scold for feare he disquiet his neighbours and be put to the height of his patience 25. No man must lend any mony to thinke euer to haue it againe 26. No man must borrow more then he can pay for feare of the losse of libertie and credit 27. No man must meddle with an Vsurer for feare that interest eate out the whole stake 28. No man must grow inward with a theefe for feare of execution after infection 29.