had these tryals of me abroade neuer mistrust my secrecie at home Em. I wil credit thee and now receiue this embrion of knauerie brieflie as I deliuer it I vnderstand since our priuate arriuall heere at Genoa that the Duke my father hearing of my surprisal from Monta sancta attended with a hundred Knights is gone to seeke a needle in a bottle of Hay Io. Or rather to catch a quicke Eele by the Em. Teeth as I haue done you sir Io. Nay and you breake iestes a my teeth once I haue done with you Em. If the breaking of the iest kept your teeth whole t was well broken but to the purpose as well to trie what mettle our Genowaies wits are made of as also to put my Brothers humor to the test I intend to dance a prettie change with my name for by nothing else I am sure they can knowe me being in my infancie carried to my Aunts at Pisa then insteed of Emilia call me Tristella Io. Agreed but what man i' th mist is this Em. I know not yet le ts walke and take occasion to confer with them Enter Polymetes reading end Inlis taking Tobacco Ioc. Yet keep without eye-shot so long as you can Poly. O moste Diuine Iul. Tobacco the best in Europe 't cost mee ten Crownes an ounce by this vapor Pol. Art not asham'd Iul. Of your foppish humor yes by this Element villanously asham'd pox on 't leaue it you are a scholler goe but to antiquitie reade the Chronicles you may finde some of your Ancestors chronicled for winning a Wenches fauour for loosing their armour but few for wit and Schollership Souldiers Scollers could neuer set their horses together especially in this kicking age but who comes heere one she-Satyre or other to pitch vp her Tent cast downe her gauntlet and proclaime thee coward for not stabbing her when shee gaue thee the moste plaine apparant and open lye Em. Ioculo we are fallen into their eyes Ioc. Thei le hardly see their way then for we are shrew'd moats but al 's one I le giue occasion of quarreil answert you as you can iustle Iulio Iul. Your reason Sir Ioc. To make thee recoile or with the Souldier to fall off i' st your countrie manner to corriue a leader being vpon or before present seruice as I am Iul. Pardon me sir I did not see your charge Would I had neuer seene her for her eye Hath set my thoughts in a strange mutenie Pol. What in loue Iulio Iul. No Prince loue 's in me I like a slaue indure loues tyrannie Ioc. Madam your Brother Pol. Slaue to all slaues be he that snares his eye In a weake Syrens Cob-web flatterie Iul. God saue faire sweete Em. Amen from such as you Iul. You had said for such had your tongue gone true Em. Why then belike I lye Iul. I would you did within my Curtens Em. Marry loue forbid Iul. Nay loue is willing for he cries le ts goe Em. Then loue hath two tunges for he tels me no so pray let 's part Iul. What and our lips not meete Em. Now fie vpon 't like Broom-men in the street Y' are a young wooer or else much to rude To shew this kindnesse fore a multitude But by the blush that colours ore your face You would scarce doo 't in a more priuate place Po. This same strāge thing i' th likenes of a womā Tastes of much wit though I not loue her sex I le arme my thoughts to cracke a iest with her What graueld lulio Em. No but run a Land Is your wits shipping any better mand Pol. Yes will you board it Em. No I dare not venter Pol. Make but a shot in iest and you may enter Em. You are a Scholler Pol. I haue seene some Schooles Em. You came not ore i' the last fleet of Fooles Pol. You tooke my roome vp Em. I pray tak 't agen Wee le haue no women fooles saile amongst men Pol. Your wit 's much currish Em. Why 't bites not you It feedes on fooles flesh so wisemen adieu Iul. Please you accept the curtsie of the towne Em. I need not I haue curtsies of mine ownes ther 's one for you Pol. How chance your wit 's so free Em. Onely to out-goe Iadish company Iul. Here are none such Ioc. Take heede for if you tire Shee le keepe her pace and leaue you in the mire Pol. A womans feature but a Schollers tongue In quick discourse Philosophers nere wondred More at the strange conception of the windes Then I admire how she attain'd this wit Did not true learning make the soule diuine She hath spoke enough to make me conuertine Iul. My loues are sound wait but your reply A short lin'd accent either no or I Em. I am not too seueare nor yet so kinde To fall for euerie idle puff of winde But farwell I le take counsell of my pillow Pittie fresh youth should wither in greene willowe Iul. Appoint the place sweete I le not misse mine houte Em. At the three fooles Iul. I le meete Em. And make vp foure Pol. Sweet wordes kinde lookes what and a parting kisse Words lookes and lips crie all the wenche is his I am possest deuill loue perswades my minde That if to him to me shee 'le proue more kinde What 's Iulio made of hadst thou soule or sence Thou wouldst not prentise thy affections Nor tie thy fortunes to a strangers loue Iul. A little liking my Lord a ierk a trick or so but no pure loue I protest but be impartiall cast of the furd-gowne of hate and speake out of the naked Doublet and hose of iudgement is she not worthy to be beloued nay might not she and I liue passing well together Pol. Yes if to liue in bondage be no hell I thinke you two might doe exceeding well Iul. Well my Lord because I le bee no example of selfe-will I le breake off our meeting at the three Fooles and send for her to Court where I le put al my loue into one quart of Maligo your melancholly humor into another and he that hath done last shall for penance giue her a kicke a the lips and a pipe of Tobacco be my witnesse that 's all the loue I beare her Pol. Well Iulio How ere you iuggle if you doe agree You must be pleas'd to weare the keepers fee Exennt Actus Secundus Enter Count Lurdo and Adam Adam Sir I doe not loue to double with a womā if my friend much lesse with you my most vpright straight Count my yong Lord as I told you is turnd absolute prodigall Lur. How prodigall Adam Marry thus prodigall to frequent ordinaries is his ordinarie practise rubs out whole weekes together in bowling Allyes bandies away his pocket full of French-Crownes in a morning and counts it a prettie sport to procure heate Lur. Thou telst me wonders he that but last day Was neuer seene to walke without a booke Writ against pleasure and make bitter iests Of honest recreation turn'd dissolute I see no reason for 't the law and
LAVVTRICKES OR WHO VVOVLD HAVE THOVGHT IT As it hath bene diuers times Acted by the Children of the Reuels Written by Iohn Day LONDON Printed for Richard More and are to be solde at his Shop in S. Dunstanes Church-yard in Fleetestrette 1608 The Booke to the Reader HOnest Reader by thy patience this is the first time of our meeting it may be the last that 's as we shal agree at parting woot buy me the stationer thankes thee woot reade mee doe but picke no more out of me then he that writ put into me nor knowe me not better then he that made me such Mechanicke gods this hil of Pernassus harbors we haue a strange secte of vpstart Phisiognomers growne vp amongst vs of late that will assume out of the depth of their knowings to calculate a mans intent by the colour of his complexion nay which is miraculous by the character of his reporte and t is wonderfull to consider cannot an honest man speake to a knaue but his language must needes be scand a gallant to a Countrieman must his intent be to rob must a Cucckolde of consequent necessitie dwell at the Harts-horne and a Musitian at the Cat the fidle strange interpretations I say no more but if the Cobler wold look no further then the shoe-latchet we should not haue so many corrupt translations for mine owne part I reuerence all modest aduertisements and submit my selfe to any iudicious censurer protesting I neuer held my irregular course but my Inke hath been alwaies simple without the iuice of worm-wood and my pen smooth without teeth and so it shall continue Farwell Thine or any mans for a testar Who would haue thought it The Names of the Actors Ferneze Duke of Genoa Polymetes His Sonne Lurdo An olde Count Horatio A yong Count Horaetioe's Page Iulio A noble youthfull Gallant Angels A Noble Counsellor Adam Seruant to Polymetes Ioculo Page to Emilia Emilia Daughter to the Duke Countesse Lurdos wife Win Seruant to Count Lurdo 1 Gentlewoman 2 Gentlewoman 3 Gentlewoman Law-tricks OR Who would haue thought it ACTƲS PRIMƲS Enter Count Horatio solus Hor. DIuine inuention O how I could hug And like an amorous Louer court thy beauty That crownst me King of pleasures were my braine Fordg'd out of vulgar metall without fier And sprightly motion my big-swolne hopes Had bene still-borne but when deiected minds Out slept the golden pleasure of the night My serious meditations haue out-watch'd The glorious tapers that attend the Moone I turnd my thoughts into a thousand shapes Moulded the fashion of ten thousand plots Lik'd and dislik'd so many that my brayne The mother of Inuention grew barrayne Almost past bearing still my laboring thoughts Conceiu'd a yet more strange and quaint Idea Gaue it proportion and I brought it forth And that blest infant of Inuention Beyond all hope hath my contentment woon And that 's Loues heauen I loue a face more faire Then Cintheas as hue that seems aboue compare But hell her husband with a iealous eye Vshers her steps oh wedded slauery This tender rose whom artles marriage Hath grafted on a nettle testy age Haue I vngrafted made himselfe vntie The knot of wedlock thanks sweete industrie Enter Count Lurdo meditating And here a comes that which most heaps my fame His wit 's well spoken of Lu. This wit 's a sprightly thing Ho. For such as haue 't Lu. It not alone doth bring Publique applause but knowledge i' the law Teacheth to speake in distance Ho. How the daw Scoures ore his rustie phrases honord Count How growes your plot Lu. My thriuing fortunes mount Aboue suppose euen to my harts content Wee are diuorc'd Ho. My hopes are preualent Lu. You know the cause on 't two sufficient men Swore her a harlot and the partiall Bench Inspirde by my good Angels Angels wings Sweepe a cleare passage to the seat of Kings Seald our diuorce Ho. But doth her brother swallow This grosse abuse Lu. Abuse away away They know me rich Horatio chinke chinke Whilst this holds out my cause shal neuer sincke Enter Duke Ferneze and Angele Ho. See where a comes his sad complexion weares Griefs mourning liuery he is clothde in teares Ang. Whence springs this sorrow Fer. For my sisters shame My sister oh my sister whose repute Hung like a Jewell on her sexes forehead Ang. And what of her Fer. Shee is o no she was Pure as the Diamond cleere as christall glasse But now O hell her credit is more foule Then speckled scandall or black murders soule Ang. I cannot thinke it Lu. But I know 't too true She was my wife and by her meanes my head Was fayrely tupt and you will buy a Lanthorne Bespeake my sconce t is ready hornd and all Ho. Not yet but I le take order that it shall Fer. And are yee parted Lu. What a question 's that Shall I weare crackt rings Diamonds with a flaw I le carry coles and you wil no hornes I know the law An. Is this your griefe Fer. This is inough to make Patience turne she that was the paterne To whose proportion all our courtly dames Cut out their actions she to fall a signe Lu. More will fall shortly Fer. Her shame Lu. Growes here who euer broacht the wyne The butt stands here my forehead bears the signe Ho. It merrits none the shame 's nor yours nor his That foot 's euen made that neuer treads a misse Beauty came first from Heauen Prometheus Stole it to make proud women bewteous Now stolne goods thriue not women steale from men Then blame not them to seeke their owne agen Kings haue for this bene felons and t is prou'd He neuer was diuine that neuer lou'd Lu. I finde no law for this Ho. Custome you proue And what 's more Auncient then to pilfer louet Lu. A quillet well applide Ho. Then bury griefe Yf this be fellonie my self 's a theife Lu. A nimble witte iust of the length of mine But come my leidge forget it so will I Our infant griefs must be old men and die Fer. Not whilst hir fault suruiues What newes with thee Enter Heratio's Page Pa. I bring your honor comfortable newes Your sonne 's return'd from Pisa Fer. A comes ill And yet I hope his blest arriue will kill This monster griefe Ho. He is a toward Prince Fe. Toward inough and yet most strangely wean'd And wedded from this worlds societie Lu. A parlous youth sharpe and sattyricall Would a but spend some study in the law A would proue a passing subtle Barrister Hor. Ha's a quick wit Lur. And a speakes Latin too Truely and so few Lawyers vse to doe Enter Prince Polymetes with a Booke Poly. Health to this honour'd presence passing good Aug. Welcome sweet Prince Poly. Thanks superpassing good But honord father see how he proceedes Learning was first made pilot to the world And in the chaire of contemplation Many degrees aboue the turning cloudes Held in his hand the nine-leaf'd marble
and Iulio do you thinke I would haue maintaind her as I did but onely for affinities sake what saide I at first Nuncle did I not vrge affinities and you would see me hang'd say and I did not vrge affinitie Em. And yet you pleaded hard for a nights lodging Poly. Onely to try thy honesty by this Element aske my vncle else Enter Horatioes Page and Whisper with Polimetes Em. Hee 's a sweet womanist Lur No more a that neece y' are a wag Em. Well said old water Ratt But that my brother Coniurer should faile In the black Art Lu. In the black Pudding pish Of all arts else onely the law is firme Em. And yet that danceth changes euery Terme Po. Well iest on gallants and vncle you that make a pish at the black Art my books to the peece of Arras where Venus and Adonis stood kissing and the cuckoldly pandar Vulcan watch'd them and all your by waies to boot I raise vp my Aunt your late wife in the same proportion habit and gesture shee vsually wore in her life time Du. Do that I le sweare there 's vertue in thy Art Po. And if I do not say Philosophie is foolery Logique legerdemaine and Coniuring meere conicatching as indeed it is And now by vertue of this wand Each in his circle keepe his stand Now Belioll and Astaroth Sole commaunders of the North By Hecates head Erinnis snakes Stix and all infernall Lakes I charge you kneele to Proserpine And by her licence all deuine Dismisse the Countesse from those shades Where pleasure springs and neuer fades Festina cito citius come free Tenant of Elizium Enter Countesse she writes a little throwes downe the paper and departs Du. The Count look pale Ang. why starts Horatio Lu.. What writte the shadow Po. That these lynes will show Horatio base Horatio poysond me I was your sister right mine iniurie Du. Horatio Lu. Yes Horatio poisond her Reuenge it Duke be a true Irsticer Du. Reueng't I wil degenerous homicide What reason led thee to so dam'd a deed Hor. I lou'd her wood her my hot loue denide Changde into hate I poison'd her she dyde Du. Sounds this like truth Ho. And if you thinke I lye Aske Lurdo his damb'd tongue will answere I Duk. Had he a hand in 't Lur. No I will demurre Ad. Reuenge it Duke be a true Iusticer Lur. He gaue the poison Hor. And you laide the plot Ad. Knit vp two villaines in one riding knot Poly. What quillet now Iul. At non plus Em. Senceles mute Silence cries guiltie a lets fal the suite Lur. Hor. Our sentence guiltie Du Then be this your doome You shall be clos'de aline in her dead tombe Ang. Vrge a reprieue Lur. Our punishment defer Du. No we must be an vpright Iusticer To the execution Hor. Doe the world shal proue My heart 's as bolde to die as t wa's to loue Lur. Birlady so is not mine I de giue my goods For a good habous Corpus to remoue me Into another Countrie Du. Leaue demurrs Close them into that graue that dead mans Inne Pitie true vertue should be lodg'd with sinne Hor. Make roome deare Madam law this leaue doth giue To die by thee with whome I could not liue Lur. And wronged Countesse though I hated thee I come to take my latest sleepe with thee Countesse in the Tombe Cou. Kind thou art welcome and shalt euer haue My armes thy winding sheete my brest thy graue Du. Sister Po. Aunt Em. Madam Lur. My much wronged wife Cou. Iustice great Duke giue me my husbands life Both his and his if your demaund be why See she suruiues for whose death they should die Du. Aliue Lur. Vnblemish't Hor. S'blood I gaue her poison Pa. I could tell your honour a tale in your eare to the contrarie I must needes say your wil was good but my father being your drug-seller instead of a deadly poison gaue you a sleepie potion doe you remember the Eccho at the tomb though I plaid the knaue with you I did like an honest man with her Lur. Thou did indeede and I le requite thee well Pol. How now Vncle what thinke you of Schollership now Lur. As of the law good as it may be vsd But to my wife Duke Brother I le speake your part Receiue her loue and lodge her in your heart Lur. Nocte dieque Hor. What shall I doe then Du. Iustice shall merce thee and by our commaund We banish thee the Court though not our Land Your course is vertuous let your honour growe Till age hath cloath'd you in a robe of snow Lastly thy merrit is not triuiall That turnd to mirth a Sceane so tragicall Epilogue Who would haue thought such strange euents should fall Into a course so smooth and comicall Who would haue thought such treachery could rest In such a smoothe and vertuous seeming brest Who would haue thought a bud of this yong growth Should out of present wit ore-reach vs both And to conclude who would haue thought the eare Of your milde patience would so gently beare With these our weake deserts which if they please you ought T is lesse then we desire more then we thought FINIS