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ID Title Author Corrected Date of Publication (TCP Date of Publication) STC Words Pages
A33424 The character of a London diurnall Cleveland, John, 1613-1658. 1644 (1644) Wing C4661; ESTC R171390 4,680 10

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THE CHARACTER OF A LONDON DIURNALL Printed in the Yeare 1644. THE CHARACTER OF A LONDON DIURNALL A Diurnall is a puny Chronicle scarce pin-feather'd with the wings of time It is an History in Sipp●ts the English Iliads in a Nut-shell the Apocryphal Parliaments booke of Maccabees in single sheets It would tyre a Welch-pedigree to reckon how many aps 't is remov'd from an Annal For it is of that Extract onely of the younger House like a Shrimp to a Lobster The originall sinner in this kind was Dutch Galliobelgicus the Protoplast and the moderne Mercuries but Hans●en Kelders The Countesse of Zealand was brought to Bed of an Almanack as many Children as dayes in the yeare It may be the Legislative Lady is of that Lynage so she spawnes the Diurnalls and they at Westminster take them in Adoption by the names of Scoticus Civicus Britanicus In the Frontispice of the old Beldame Diurnall like the Contents of the Chapter sits the House of Commons judging the twelve Tribes of Israel You may call them the Kingdomes Anatomy before the weekly Kalender For such is a Diurnall the day of the moneth with what weather in the Common-wealth 'T is taken for the Pulse of the Body-Politique and the Empetick-Divines of the Assembly those spirituall Dragooners thumbe it accordingly Indeed it is a pretty Synopsis and those grave Rabbyes though in point of Divinity trade in no larger Authors The Country-Carryer when he buyes it for their Vicar miscalls it the Vrinall yet properly enough For it casts the water of the State ever since it staled bloud It differs from an Aulicus as the Devill and his Exorcist or as a black Witch doth from a white one whose office it to unravell her inchantments It begins usually with an Ordinance which is a Law still-borne dropt before quickned by the Royall assent 'T is one of the Parliaments by-blowes Acts onely being legitimate and hath no more Syre then a Spanish Gennet that 's begotten by the wind Thus their Militia like its Patton Mars is the issue onely of the Mother without the concourse of royall Jupiter Yet Law it is if they Vote it though in defiance to their Fundamentals like the old Sexton who swore his Clock went true what ever the Sunne said to the contrary The next Ingredient of a Diurnall is Plots horrible plots which with wonderfull Sagacity it hunts dry-foot while they are yet in their Causes before Materia prima can put on her Smock How many such sits of the Mother have troubled the Kingdome and for all Sir Walter Earle looks like a Man-Midwife not yet delivered of so much as a Cushion But Actours must have their Properties And since the Stages were voted downe the onely Play-house is at Westminster Suteable to their Plots are their Informers Skippers and Taylours Spaniells both for the Land and the Water Good conscionable Intelligence For however Pym's Bill may inflame the Reckoning the honest Vermyn have not so much for Lying as the Publique Faith Thus a zealous Borcher in Morefields while he was contriving some Quirpo-cut of Church Government by the help of his out-lying Eares and the Otacousticon of the Spirit discovered such a Plot that Solden intends to combate Antiquity and maintaine it was a Taylours Goose that preserved the Capitol I wonder my Lord of Canterbury is not once more all-to-be-Traytor'd for dealing with the Lions to settle the Commission of Array in the Tower It would doe well to crampe the Articles Dormant besides the opportunity of reforming those Beasts of the Prerogative and changing their prophaner names of Harry and Charles into Nehemiah and Eleazer Suppose a Corne-cutter being to give little Isaack a east of his Office should fall to pareing his Browes mistaking the one end for the other because he branches at both This would be a Plot and the next Diurnall would furnish you with this Scale of Votes Resolved upon the Question that this Act of the Corne-cutters was an absolute Invasion of the Cities Charter in the representative Forehead of Isaack Resolved that the evill Councellors about the Corne-cutter are Popishly affected and Enemies to the State Resolved that there be a publicke Thankesgiving for the great deliverance of Isaack's Brow-antlers and a solemne Covenant drawne up to defye the Corne-cutter and all his workes Thus the Quixotes of this Age sight with the Wind-mills of their owne Heads quell Monsters of their owne Creation make Plots and then discover them as who sitter to u●kennell the F●x then the Tarryer that is a part of him In the third place march their Adventures the Round-heads Legend the Rebells Romance Stories of a larger fire then the Eares of their Sect able to strangle the Beliefe of a Soli-fidian I 'le present them in their order and first as a Whiff●ler before the show enter Stamford one that trod the Stage with the first travers'd his ground made a legge and Exit The Countrey People took him for one that by Order of the Houses was to dance a Morice through the West of England Well hee 's a nimble Gentleman set him but upon Bankes his Horse in a Saddle Rampant and it is a great question which part of the Centaure shewes better tricks There was a vote passing to translate him with all his Equipage into Monumentall-Gingerbread but it was cross'd by the Female-Committee alledging that the valour of his Image would bite their Children by the Tongues This Cubit and an halfe of Commander by the help of a Diurnall routed his Enemyes fifty Miles off 't is strange you 'le say and yet it is generally beleived he would as soone doe it at that distance as nearer hand Sure it was his Sword for which the weapon-salve was invented that so wounding and healing like loving Correlates might both worke at the same removes But the Squibbe is run to the end of the Rope Roome for the Prodigy of Valour Maddam Atropos in breeches Wallers Knight-errantry and because every Mountihanke must have his Zany throw him in Haslerigge to set off his story these two like Bell and the Dragon are alwaies worshipped in the same Chapter they hunt in their Couples what one doth at the head the other scores up at the beele Thus they kill a man over and over an Hopkins and Sternhold murder the Psalmes with another to the same one chimes all in and then the other strikes up as the Saints-Bell I wonder for how many lives my Lord Hoptons Soule tooke the Lease of his Body First Stamford slew him then Waller out-killd that halfe a Barre and yet it is thought the sullen corps would scarce bleed were both these Man-slayers never so neare it The fame goes of a Dutch Heads-man that he would doe his Office with so much ease and Dexterity that the Head after Execution should stand still upon the shoulders pray God Sir William be not Probationer for the place For as if he had the like knack too most of those whom the Diurnall