Marchiones de Campolatero publiquely as his Concubine to accomplish which designe he accustomed to send the Marquiss her Husband upon remote employments The eighth was He committed Rapes upon many young Maids and Virgins and bored a Woman at the very Altar and had to do with another in the Chancel of St. Maries Church O horrible Convert the Church into a Charnel house Ninth He frequented Nunneries not out of devotion but for recreation or more significantly procreation our of profane and sacrilegious ends Tenth He made a feast of flesh upon Maundy Thursday contrary to the Canons to their Holy Mother the Church and was never observ'd to keep fasting but feasting dayes alwaies Eleventh He made other feasts for some of the Principal Courtisanos of Naples that in Don Pedro de Toledo's garden whom he compelled to confess with how many Clergy-men they had traded and commanded an Inventory of their names to be taken immediatly Blessed saints that disapprove of lawful matrimony but approve of unlawful meretricious actions it grieves them to see such pure Nunnes flesh as they do somtimes barreld up in penitential pickle yet for all the pretended strictness of their Religion they can break a Lent to seed upon them Twelfth He would often ride abroad in the Coach with Juana Maria a Lady of pleasure that was as common as a Barbers Chair no sooner one was out but another was in Thirteenth He had always in his House a Morisco slave on whom he begat a Bastard and suffered him to be educated in the Mahumeâ—â—n Superstition and after his decease was entombed according to the Turkish Rites and Ceremonies Twentieth He did innumerable other acts of obscenity and wantonness as inviting the fairest Concubines into his garden where he had provided as sumptuous as luscious a Banquet for them after which he commanded them to strip themselves stark naked where 't is to be observed he had a fancy to see the naked truth whil'st he with a hollow trunck shet confits at their naked bodies which they were to take up standing upon their high Chiappins Twenty one He caused a Barber to strip himself stark naked and shave his Dutchesses quod ad haâ—e she being likewise naked and he all the while standing by with a great knife in his hand to cut off his privities if he found any motion in them all the while a wretched fellow and egregious Cox-comb who deserved to wear a pair of horns that should reach from one end of Naples to the other and that not a condign punishment for his crime O old Rome All thy Floralia wanton Feasts and Games come far short of those of thy modern issue no Pagan Turk Jew nor Heathen nay I 'le be loth to say Hell it self never entertain'd such a Smell-smock such a Linnen-lifter as this salacious he-goat this wanton Satyr Duke Ossuna But lest this discourse should be unwelcome to the chaste ears of the Reader wee 'l turn our discourse to a more pleasing subject And begin with the Peasant who though he passeth all the week in drudgery and servility yet is so puft up with vain glory and pride that on Sunday and Holy-days he will be sure to have his body well cloath'd though his belly want furnishing and his Wife that works day and night for a hungry living will be so pranked up that if you were unacquainted with the phantastique humor of this mimical people you would mistake this Joan for some Lady of repute and honor in the country And indeed they are all so highly conceited of their deferts from the Cedar to the shrub with their imaginary Revenues and the Chimera's that they hatch in their brains of their own dignity and Grandeza that there is not one of them but will speak thousands rather then betray their indigency One will sit at his door picking his teeth and condemning the Capon he eat last when alas poor despicable wretch His throat is an absolute stranger to such dainty Viands for a dried morsel of bread hoary and crusted with a second bark whose leather'd outside would not court a dog arm'd with the edge of appetite to eat it would be adainty bit to cramb his empty gorge Another will beg in this method First he looks to see whether the coast be clear before he will utter one Suppliant syllable and then he approaches with such submissiveness as a slave useth to his Patron yet if any chance to glance that way with his eye immediately he retreats to familiarity pressing the justness of his demands till he squeezes your Alms which if it be a penny or some such inconsiderable sum as they judge so small a piece to be he throws it contemptibly in the donors face but soon after peaceably looks for it finds it and hath the grace to say an Ave Maria or a Pater Noster for the Benefactor But now I think we have breath'd the Neapolitan Courser sufficiently let us turn our Bridle and travel to Venice which is taken to be no other then a Boat that some Castle doth embarque by the Magick Laws of Urgandus when he would have sayled to great Albion to visit Amadis as he did in times of the year and 't is observable that the world never produced such unheard of Machiavilian Devices to surprize an Enemy unawares as the Venetian hath been Author of for here you may see a Pocket church-Church-book with a Pistol hid in the binding which turning to such a page discharges a plot to ensnare him to whom they bear a prejudice whilest at his Devotion when there is least suspition Execrable wretches that make Gods Word the Cloak to palliate all their Villanies and Murthers Another of their infernal Inventions is a pocket Stone-bow which carried under a Cloak dischargeth Needles with such violence that it pierceth thorough a mans body and leaves a wound whose Orifice is scarcely discernable by the most Eagle-ey'd Chyrurgion A third a Walking-staff in appearance at the top whereof is a spring which graspt hard at the end jets forth a Rapier with force enough to kill a man at a yards distance A fourth is a Gun to be discharged with wind which for six paces fails not of execution with little or no report And give me leave to adde a fifth Knack of theirs which is their Bergamasque hanging up in the third Chamber of the Grand Dogues Gallery being an Invention to lock up female frailty an irrefragable Argument of the Italian Jealousie with which inhumane constraint they do so persecute and prosecute their Consorts back and belly and so cramp them hip and thigh that if a poor despicable Crab-louse should chance to be cloyster'd up within these ferraments he hath not room to breath and what would become of the poor Flea should it be his fate to be thus confined I presume he could not take his frollikish Lavaltors This Enginery of theirs manifests that they have a care of the hinder not the forepart altogether insensible
THE CHARACTER OF ITALY Or The Italian Anatomiz'd BY An English Chyrurgion Dissicile est Satyâ—am non scribere LONDON Printed for Nath. Brooke at the Angel in Cornhil 1660. TO THE READER THat this Epitome should suit with the Grain of all Mens Dispositions is far beyond my expectation because I am sufficiently sensible that Mens mindes are as discrepant as their Physiognomies are various And it hath been the fate of all Writers that ever appeared in publique especially under the notion of Satyrists to be attended by some carping Zoilus But fall back fall edge I will be armed with a sufficient stock of Patience to undergo the Success of this Publication I know already that if some carping Critick light on it he will cast it aside and say these Whimsies are but Ingenii lascivientis flosculi the superfluous Excrescencies of lasciviating wit Or probably some Squeamish Zealot who through Hypocondraick Melancholy is become a meer Lump of quickened Care may disgust it yet the more frollickish Genius who no doubt is freer from intended mischief then the thoughtful man will disgest it Let not the smallness of the bulk occasion your contempt for the more vigorous a thing is the narrower is the circumference that contains it And it is usually said The smaller the Volume the fewer the faults Some there are undoubtedly which have either escaped the Printer or else were occasioned by my own neglect but my Sanctuary is the hope of your accustomed Candor and Clemency which may shrowd me from any false imputation However here you have it as it is and as a man takes his wife so must you take this Piece for better for worse Here you have my Cruse of Oyl as well as my Bottle of Vineger some sweet smelling Flowers as well as bitter Wormwood Nor was it my intention in publishing this Pamphlet to bespatter any single person but like a Fencer in a publick Show wave my Sword about aim at all and hit none yet the mildeness of the Conclusion will mitigate the severity of the Exordium And the most natural Italian will be compelled to confess that I end well though I began ill and will vouchsafe to give his Plaudite to the Epilogue though the Prologue displease him Now there is none of the Readers so illiterate I presume as to be ignorant of that as true as ancient Sentence Finis coronat Opus which I have taught to speak English thus If the end crown the Work as th Proverb says Then a Black-pudding deserves double praise For that hath two ends and so have I as well as two parts the one Vituperatory and the other Laudatory Reader peruse it if thy more weighty Affaires will permit it is but small and so will put thee to no great Expence either of Money or Time and if thou gainest any benefit by the surveighing of it it will not repent thee of thy perusal All that I shall say to thee at present is onely this Be charitable in thy Censure and so Farewel Reader BE pleased to take notice that there is lately published an excellent Book Entituled Adam in Eden Or Natures Paradise The History of Plants Fruits Herbs and Flowers with their several Names whether Greek Latine or English the places where they grow their descriptions and kindes their times of flourishing and decreasing as also their several Signatures Anatomical Proportions and particular Physical Vertues Together with necessary Observations on the Seasons of Planting and gathering of our English Simples with directions how to preserve them in their Composition or otherwise A Piece very useful for Physicians and Chyrurgions THE CHARACTER OF ITALY 'T Is a Cisalpine Clod a Gowty Leg of that Huge Monster the World a rotten Charnel where the Ganymed's supplant the Layses a Nest of Lizards the Merdaille of Nations and the Excrement of the Earth 'T is a Hell whose Cerberus is a great old fat Bear the Host of their Innes Osteria's I mean which usually stand alone remote from any village so that Passengers must rest satisfied with the mean accommodation those Tabernae afford for he that seems to disgust their feeble Minestra may chance to meet with nothing at his Departure but an Allegramente for amends and if you should menace your Host he will retort with double insolence knowing that if his Stilletto should decide the Controversie the next Church is his Asylum where no Law nor Violence dare attempt him Pure Saints that can convert the Church of God into a Den of Thieves and make his sacred Mansion a Shrouding-place or Refuge for Assassines and Murtherers Besides you are in continual fear both at Bed Board by reason of those hellish snares they usually lay to irretiate and massacre strangers so that your delight is entombed in a perpetual horror As for the People they are an execrable residue of the Gothes the spurious Issue of a salacious Messalina a meer frippery of Bankrupts his Bastards that closed the eye-lids of centoculated Argus And since they were once preserv'd from the invasion of the Gauls by Geese they merit praise from none but Gozzelings There are three things that usually deterr men from visiting this Countrey The first is the horrible Inquisition The second the execrable Outrages committed by the Bandito's The third those troublesom Bedfellows the Cimici Fleas in folio yet so dainty withal that they will choose their flesh and cohabit with the fairest skin nay which is worse they are very noisom to the nostrils of him that destroys them What stout Champion can endure the biting or sting of the Tarantula that kills with laughter if not remedied the consideration thereof is enough to procure death were there not a hope of resurrection from the cure viz. Dancing But there are Arguments almost innumerable of greater solidity and weight than the praementioned To instance in a few because prolixity is inconsistent with a Character The Milaneze will teach you to be Juglers the Bolognois Liars the Venetian Hypocrites the Neopolitan will metamorphose you into Satyrs for Lust the Florentine instructeth in the Artifice of Poyson and Rome implungeth you into an impure Ocean of Idolatry Superstition But now let us take a Survey of their stately Fabricks and Towns whose native Pens have exalted them to a higher bulk than ever their Pike-axes intended that first dug their foundation And first let us consider Rome that reputed Mistress of the World and Metropolis of Italy whose Encomiums hath devoured more reams of Paper and drunk up more bottles of Ink than would repair a decay'd Stationer and we shall find her to be according to their own Proverb Nido di tradimento ove si cova Quanto mal hoggi per ilmondo si trova A Nest of Treason where more mischief 's done Than by all Nations else under the Sun That Rome that now usurps the Name is but her carcase or sepulchre her vice being the cause of her ruine which made Scaliger vent this as bitter
Monte Fiascone that he sent his servant to all the Taverns thereabout to finde out the best and where he found it to write over the door Est Est of which liquor he sucked so much and made a Tun of his Belly German like that he swam to the other world through an ocean of Wine he was interred in Favonia's Church and being a Clergy man 't is pity his Tomb-stone should want an Epitaph and his memory consume with the ashes in his Urn wherefore his servant made this ingenious Epitaph Propter est est Dominus meus mortuus est a Conceit no less facetious than quipping nay 't is a Proverb of their own Tudesco Italianato e un Diavolo incarnato An Italianated German is a Devil incarnal 'T is taken pro confesso that they have no less than twenty species of these intoxicating liquors to please the gusto at first but carry their sting in their tayles fume up into the head that though they are not immediately distemper'd yet there is by their epotation laid the seed of all future maladies that break to their ensuing destruction The most delicious of all which is their Ethnique Nectar though they are so horribly blasphemous as to term it in a Christian phrase Lachrymae Christi which made one that had tasted break out into this extravagant passion O Domine cur non lachrymisti in terris nostris O Lord why didst thou not weep in our Countrey That they are ambitious is apparent for among the Vieentines 't is an usual Title for a Gentleman to be styled Signor Conte which is equivalent to My Lord with us before they merit the degree of Knighthood they must be Lorded Not a Pedlar among them known under the title of Vuestra Signioria And for the Nobility so mean they are that according to their own Assertion for I will bang them with their own weapons I Marchesi di Cova I Conti di Piacenza I Cavaglieri di Bologna The Marquises of Ceva the Lords of Piacenza and the Cavaliers or Gentlemen of Bologna are grown poor even to a Proverb 'T is generally reported that those of Crema are deceitful those of Venice insolent the Genuesian proud and the Paelnvinian lecherous as for their women it is grown to a Proverb among them That they are Magpies at the door Saints in the Church Goats in the Garden Divels in the House Angels in the Street and Syrens at the window Besides 't is an â—sual expression among them Let God make them tall and fall for the title of a comely woman is much prized among them and they will make themselves fair enough But enough of that their very Towns have by their judicious God-fathers been baptized with names suitable to the nature of the inhabitants as Genoa the proud Pistora the barbarons Perugia the bloody babling Siena and Furli the fantastick or wanton They are all in general a heap of Fidlers for you can scarce pass a street but you shall hear them rudely jarring without stops or time and with reverence to Ge Sol Re Ut be it spoken this harmony is made up of so much discord that you would imagine it afar off to be a Consort of Jackanapes's squeaking in rutting time Yet I will not say they are ignoble but they are the corrupters of nobility nor that they are illiterate but the perverters of Learning Martial and Juvenal amongst them were famous yet they were both obscene Persius foolishly affected obscurity and would appear in publique like an unintelligible Asse Virgil himself suckt all his Poetick honey from the Hives of Homer Theocritus and other Greek Poets And how much they reward the Learned will appear by that fate of Philelphus the most accomplished person of his time whose surviving friends were compell'd to sell his Library at Bologna to defray the charges of his Funeral so little do they minde or regard their Learned though men of the most accute wit and piercing understanding persons that might take the right hand of Aristotle in the Vatican 't is a brand to the whole Nation upon record that will never be consumed by the iron teeth of Time or huried in the grave of Oblivion that they that are such great pretenders to Learning and such adorers of Ingenuity as they would fain induce the world to believe them should be of such a mechanick base ignoble dunghil spirit as not to defray his Funeral Charges at the publick Cost but to make sayl of his Books to that purpose the consideration hereof were enough to disswade Posterity from study and disencourage men herafter from sweating in the pursuit of Learning when their dead bodies shall not have decent Christian Burial though they promote the good and interest of the Republick wherein they live by their indefatigable pains and industry if their Coffers be not well lin'd and they able to leave behinde them mountains of Gold as well as the immortal Monuments of Wisdom Besides how do they encourage ingenious persons though they have the affluence of all the goods of fortune Pope Pius the Second who was indebted to the Muses for his fortune and preferment when he came to the Popedom being presented with several poetical pieces return'd them this Dystych in lieu of a recompensation Pro numeris numeros a me sperate Poetae Carminaque est animus reddere non emere Numbers for Numbers you receive from me I do return and not buy Poetry And though for ostentation and an outward shew of learning they may strike high with those of their own stamp yet if you respect the substance or solidity of learning you shall finde but little among them Muretus will inform you as much In mediâ Italiâ saith he in medio Latio in mediâ Greciâ vix centesimum quemque invenias qui Latine aut Graecè loqui sciat In the middle of Italy Latium or Greece you shal scarce finde one in a hundred that can understand either the Greek or Latine tongue But you may be confident they are so well trained up in the School of Venery that there is scarce a Peasant among them but hath Ovids Epistles more perfect than their Pater Noster and can recount unto you how many obscene postures there are in Aretine more readily then the number of the Commandments in the Decalogue Nay many of their Popes those Princes of the Christian Commonwealth as they are termed are so illiterate that they deserve not to have the preferment of Servitors under an ingenious Junior Sophister a poor Freshman in the University that scarce knows how many Colledges there are in Cambridge would puzzle if not put them to a non-plus with a Syllogism in Celarent Paul the second who succeeded Aeneas in the Popedom had a wicked design to demolish all Literature and to extirpate all the Learned out of the Land esteeming all Students and Philosophers no other then Hereticks and Magicians And 't is grown into a Proverb among them concerning those that
are onely liberal to their Superiors from whom they expect greater benefits to all others the purse is closest shut when the mouth opens widest nor is there any probability of your getting a piece of Cake there unless yours be known to be in the Oven To add to their treasure they will light a candle to the Devil In Legorn they allow a Jews Synagogue nay you may be what Devil you will there so you push not the Pope with your horn They are the greatest embracers of pleasure and esteem of pearles as pebles so they can but satiate their Gusto in point of pleasure Here you may finde Love and Hatred Virtue and Vice Superstition and Religion in their extreams for the greatest wits once depraved prove ever the most dangerous They are in their Lusts unnatural in their hatred irreconciliable and in their thoughts unfathomable so that with one breath they blow both hot and cold and to compass their own ends and accomplish their own designes they will play the Divel incarnat But now we will wring them no more by the nose lest we fetch blood wherefore we will allay the bitterness of this potion with the edulcorating ingredients of their virtues Italy is the Garden of Europe the Terroir being gentle and copious and produceth a more stately crop then the Husbandman oft-times expects and some Soyls there are that afford four Latter-meaths of Hay and Grass For their delicious wines no Countrey can paralel it besides it excels in large and stately Cattle nor is iâ— altogether improbable that she receive her name therefore from 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 which signifies a Calf The fame of the Neapolitan Coursier hath run through all the habitable world for the number and lustre of Nobility no nation exceeds them which makes most ingenious spirits transported with the desire of visiting her Territories As for the ingenuity and dexterity of the inventive brain of the Italian if you respect either Artificers or Opificers all Nations have been benefited thereby nay they have been almost adored by by the residue of the Europian part of the world For all speculative and theorick Sciences the Italian equal most Nations under the heavens as may appear by the almost infinite number of Wits that she hath nursed as Virgil Eunius Lucrece Statius Plantus for divine Poetry for according to the Stagirite 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Poesie is a divine thing For Prudence in the Law Alciat Pancirolus Peregrinus and Hondaus were very famous In the Secresies and Operations of Medicine none could excel Fracastorius Matthiolus Fallopius Aldrovandus Johannes Baptista Porta and Talicotius who could imitate Nature even to admiration in making artificial Noses Eares and Eyes For History Francis Guiceiardine Cardinal Bembo Vergerius Magirus Cardan Picus Earl of Mirandula Zabaralla and Ursimus veyl to none for Philosophy Nor hath Mercury onely his Seminary here but Mars hath his Standard also being very exact in the Rules of Military Discipline and excellent Engineers And as to Treaty never did any Nation come near him he was never out-witted that way She hath produced many noble Sons of Mars as Scaliger Prince of Verona Castruccio Sforza and Ambrosia Spinola as also Alexander Farnese Duke of Parma They are excellent Navigators 't was Americo Vespucio a Florentine that baptized the new world And Christophero Columbo which acts of his all past Ages cannot equal and he onely by the dexterity of his wit and insight of the Mathematicks performed it Nor are her Cities less famous then her inhabitants and first of Rome which is judged the Emperess of the world the Protecteress of all Arts and Sciences and the Fountaine from whose streams of Virtue and Piety the rest of the Christian world is watred 'T was the cordial wish of that Father of the Fathers of the Latine Church St. Augustine that he might compass the sight of three things Our blessed Saviour in the Flesh St. Paul in the Pulpit and Rome in her highest flourish and the meridian of her glory Give but an ear to what Martial the Epigrammatist sings as her due Encomium Terrarum Dea Gentiumque Roma Cui par est nihil nihil secundum What a vast Circumference she had may be guessed at by the number of Cobwebs that Heliogabalus caused to be gathered there which amounted to a thousand weight As for the renown'd Republick of Venice without her as an eminent Author of our times notes Italy should want her chiefest Ornament Liberty a refuge Europe her Bulwark Neptune should be destitute of a Mistris and Nature of a Miracle She is a Lady that hath encroacht more upon Neptunes dominions then any State in the World She commands a fortress that is built according to the most exact rules of Enginery that stood her in two millions the erecting and charges her with a hundred thousand Crowns per annum her yearly maintenance Her Arsenal is as famous a wonder as her illustrious self she would extasy a foreiner with the sight of her stately fabricks This City saith one of our well-worded Grandees that is adorn'd with a double portion of Parts and Arts Manners and Manors hath continued a Virgin nere upon these fifteen hundred years yet withal such an Amazon that she hath wrestled with the most potent Monarchs in Europe and thrown some of them flat on their backs but none of them could lay her in such a posture as to get her Mayden-head Her grandees are noble Patriots Patres Patriae they have publique spirits are fage in Councels and solid in their judgement constant in adverse and moderate in good fortune Nor doth her incolumity depend upon the slender twist of the life of one single person but upon the prudent management of an immortal Senate The Characters that the Learned confer upon her are many noble and what she deserves in their own judgement Mamertinus the Panegyrist calls her Gentium Dominam the Mistress of all Nations Rutilius Numatianus Coelestem mundique Reginam A Heavenly thing and Empress of the world Dionysius Halicarnassaeus Totius Orbis optimam The most famous Countrey in the whose universe And others Caput Orbis The Head of the world and that not undeservedly for either Pike or Pen Mercury or Mars no Nation whatsoever that comes into the balance with her but will be outpoiz'd if held up by an unbyassed hand Touching her Excesses and principally those of the Popes which have been sufficiently anatomized by several Authors it is incontrovertible that among so great a number some will be found culpable There is no Wheat but some Chaff no Wine but some Lees. In the first Election that our blessed Saviour made among twelve there was one found bad But let it not be buried in oblivion that the first thirty three Bishops of Rome suffered Martyrdom And if that the Ecclesiasticks Purple seem to dazzle the eyes of some weak-sighted and slenderly-grounded persons and that the Clergy seem to them to lead a life in too much external pomp and outward glory the Capuchians frock and the recluse and austere lives of Mendicant Fryars and other abstenious persons may serve in lieu of an Apology for the prementioned Extravagancies Though Venice and Naples be cramm'd with Courtizano's yet the chastity of so many thousands of pious cloyster'd souls who have totally wean'd themselves from all mundane frothy delights and adhered to heaven and the hopes they have of the fruition thereof may make some satisfaction for their Excesses But Scaurus hath penned among his Works a Sentence that deserves consideration and that is Non minus magnam virtutem esse scire desinere quam scire dicere It is no less vertue to know when to put a period to a Discourse then to write the Exordium wherefore I judge it far better to strike sayl then to launch any farther into so vast an Ocean of Matter as the Praise of the Iâ—alians Thus having bid adieu I make an END Books to be sold by Nath Brook at the Angel inâ—â— oâ—nâ—â— 1. THe accomplisâ—â— Cook the Mystery of the whole Art of Cookely revealed in a more easie and perfect Method then hath been published in any Language By Robert May in the time of his attendance on several Persons of Honor. 2. J. Cleaveland Revived Poems Orations Epistles and other of his Genuine Incomparable Pieces A second Impression with many Additions 3. The Exquisite Letters of Mr. Robert Loveday the late admired Translatour of the Volumes of the famed Romance Cleopatra for the perpetuating his memory published by his dear Brother Mr. A. L. 4. Englands Worthies Select Lives of the most Eminent Persons from Constantine the Great to the death of Oliver Cromwel late Protector By Wil. Winstanley Gent. 5. A Character of France to which is added Gallus Castratus or an Answer to a late slanderous Pamphlet called The Character of England as also a fresh Whip for the Mounsieur in answer to his Letter in vindication to his Madam the second Edition 6. William Clowes his Chyrurgical Observations for those that are burned with flames of Gunpowder as also for the curing of wounds and of the Lues venerea c. 7. The Saints Happiness together with the several steps leading thereunto delivered in divers Lectures on the Beatitudes contained in the 5th of Matthew By Jeremiah Burroughs late Preacher of Stepney 8. His Gospel-Revelation in three Treatises 1. Of the Nature of God 2. Of the Excellency of Christ 3. Of the Excellency of mans Immortal Soul By the same Author FINIS