like a free Benefit he that conferrs it on me steals me from my self Favours tho imparted are not gifts but purchases that buy Men out of their own Liberty I know not that I am ever sadder than when I am forced to accept Courtesies that I cannot requite If ever I should affect injustice it should be in this that I might do Courtesies and receive none And indeed Philaret by the Art of Complaisance ee'n made 'em good Humour'd whether they would or no yet my Companion and I found no great Temptation to tarry in their Company And therefore sending for a Friend or two that were House-keepers in Buckingham to avouch our Quality we were dismissed From hence we adjourn'd to the Ship Tavern where we caress our Minds and as I may say cully our selves out of our more watchful and importunate Thoughts with the wheadliâ—â—◠〈…〉 sinuations of Sparkling Canary Our 〈…〉 snatch'd us from the Jaws of the Sea-bums oblig'd us with their Company and with an Account of some Observables in the Town of Buckingham where we now were and also with a Description of the whole County of which this is the chief Town Buckingham is the shire Town of this County fruitfully seated upon the River Ouse and was fortified formerly with Rampires and a strong Castle mounted on a high Hill whereof nothing now remains but some small signs of such a place The Shire it self is divided into eight Hundreds wherein are fifteen Market Towns a hundred eighty five Parish Churches and is in the Diocess of Lincoln out of it are Elected fourteen Parliament Men For the County 2. Buckingham 2. Chippin-Wincomb 2. Alisbury 2. Agmondisham 2. Wendover 2. and Marlow 2. It gives Titles to George Villiers Duke of Buckingham and Robert Bruce Earl of Ailsbury BVCKINGHAM-SHIRE hath on the East Hertfordshire and Bedfordshire on the West Oxfordshire on the North Northamptonshire and Huntingdonshire and on the South Hertfordshire it hath its name from the plenty of Beech-trees which the Saxons call Bucken with which the Country was formerly so overrun that it was altogether impassible and became a Refuge for Thieves and Robbers and occasioned that Proverb in this Country Here a Bush and there a Thief for which cause they were cut down The Country generally is of a rich plentiful Soil and passing full of Inhabitants who chiefly â—mploy themselves in grazing of Cattle and 〈◊〉 laud and praise of the Shire be it spoken here is in it great plenty of Mutton The Chilteen a Place so called in this Country got that Name according to the very Nature of the Soil of Chalky Chilt In 1665. Ian. 20. about six a Clock at Night there was an Earthquake in some parts of Buckinghamshire which was attended with a unusual kind of noise in the Air but was quickly over it much affrighted some People on the sudden to hear their Chairs and Stools quake under them and to hear Tables and such things to clatter in the Rooms and the whole House to shake King Will. the Conquerour gave a Mannor and certain Yard-lands in Buckinghamshire to a Person upon this Condition That the Possessor or Owner thereof should find Straw or Litter for the Kings Bed whensoever he came that way which shews what an alteration there is as to matter of Grandeur since that time The best and biggest bodied Sheep in England are in the Vale of Ailsbury in this County where it is nothing to give Ten pound or more for a Breed Ram so that should a Forreigner hear the price thereof he would guess that Ram to be rather some Roman Engine of Battery than the Creature commonly so called Forreigners much admire at our English Sheep because they do not as those in other Countries follow their Shepherds like a pack of Dogs but wander all abroad and the Popish Priests tell their ignorant Folks That this disobedience of our Sheep happened to us because we have left their great Shepherd the Pope a very profound Reason Roger Wendover was born at a Market Town of that Name in this County and was bred a Benedictine in St. Albans where he became the Kings Historian and it is observable that our English Kings had always a Monk generally of St. Albans as being near London the Staple of News and Books to write the most remarkable passages of their Reigns and some add that their Chronicles were locked up in the Kings Library and were never suffered to be opened in that Kings nor his Sons life if so they had a great incouragement to be impartial not fearing a blow on their Teeth though coming near to the heels of Truth as being hereby in some kind tyed up from doing them any hurt this Roger began his Chronicle at the Conquest and continued it to 1235. which Matthew Paris and others carried down further after his Death The Lady Hester Temple Wife to Sir Thomas Temple was born at Latimers in this County she had four Sons and nine Daughters who lived to be Married and so exceedingly multiplyed that this Lady saw seven hundred extracted from her own Body Vives tells of a Village in Spain of about an 100 Houses whereof all the Inhabitants issued out of one certain old Man who then lived and says the Spanish Language did not afford a Name whereby the Youngest should call the Elder since they could not go above the Great Grandfathers Father but had the Off-spring of this Lady been contracted into one place they were enough to have peopled a City of a competent proportion though her issue was 〈◊〉 so long in succession as broad in â—xtent this Lady dyed in 1656. Sir Edward Cook that Famous Commentator of the Law was born in this Shire This great Man at length growing weary of a publick Employment retires into the Country where falling in love with a private Life he ended his days Aâ—tat 82. An. Dom. 1641. Like him Grant me indulgent Heaven a Rural Seat Rather contemptible than great Where though I taste Life's sweets still I may be A thirst for Immortality I wou'd have Business but exempt from strife A private but an active Life A Conscience bold and punctual to his charge My stock of Health or Patience large Some Books I 'd have and some Acquaintance too But very good and very few Then if one Mortal two such Grants may have From silent Life I 'd steal into my Grave I 'd live unthought of and unheard of die And grudge Mankind my very Memory Oh the Blessings of Privacy and Freedom the Wish of the greatest but Priviledge only of mean ones It was Augustus's Prayer That he might live to retire and deliver himself prom publick Business To think a Man shall be safe and quiet when he is great it 's Statute Madness For my own share I do declare That when I retire into my little Grotta in the midst of a fine Wood near a Chrystal Stream there I find happiness and content beyond an
as Barebreechd as Evander when from his last Globe he rambles into his Grave Physicks too Go drown'd your self in your own vacuum and Build Castles in the Air and take Metaphysicks along with you a Witch-catching or Winnowing Entity from unum verum bonum Go troop all together I 'm for taking my leave and a fair riddance too all at once and intend to have no more to do with ye unless taking ye in a Lump without opening the Book or reading one Syllable more about you But there 's more yet to come and I 'm resolv'd once for all to make clear work Farewel Astrology for once and again I tell ye Kainophilus was ne're cut out for a Conjurer Farewel Geometry for I can ramble round the World without thy help and scorn to measure how many Miles Pearches Feet Inches and Barly-corns I run over Or number 'em either and therefore well thought Troop off Arithmetick for Company for he 's an arrand Fool that can't tell twenty and what canst thou do more Nay ten is thy utmost Limits and even then thou art forc't to vamp out one with a nought and all the rest of thy fruitless pains with so much more cost than worship is only telling them nine Figures over and over again till thou hast lost thy self and yet can'st never get to the end o' thy Iourney Chiromancy Shall I shake Hands with thee too No thou' rt such a strolling Gypsie thou' rt only fit to be whipt or set in the Cage for a great Cheat as thou art And when Mathematicks can tell me how matter is infinitely divisible and yet not so and â—econcile Demonstrations contradicting each other o'both sides then I 'll keep that tho' all the rest must trudge but since it never can let that turn out to and break its Neck or drown it self over its own Pons Asinorum What a Fool am I after all to rail at what I don't understand Learning has a property much like that which a great man attributes in another sense to Philosophy as a little of that makes a Man an Atheist but a great deal a Religious person so a smattering of Learning makes one despise it a great deal esteem and admire Forgive me O thou thing almost Divine that I have Blasphem'd thee without knowing thee and if possible let that either excuse or alleviate my Fault and Punishment Never a wretch wholost and left thee as I have done but Repented dearly of it as soon as he came to know the crime he had committed I believe thou art the very Image of Heaven and a great part of that happiness we lost by our own folly I inflict the most severe voluntary Pennance on my self for having thus abused thee I 'm content all my Life long to bear the wretched Fate of standing at thy Door and helping others in while I stay without my self a helpless â—â—â—â—bless vagrant and spend my weary days in sighs and only thinking what I might have been had I improved by thy auspicious aid and cultivated all those Golden Seeds Nature so largely sprinkled on her Evanders Breast This Justice done to Heaven-born Learning I now proceed to give you an account of my Iourney which these thoughts so far shorten'd that I was now arrived at the famous Metropolis of England I had almost said the World for which you must go with me to the following chapter CHAP. VI. Next he Rambles to London where his Father's intent is He might ask his Son's leave tho' to Chain him a Prentice NOW does the Reader greedily expect a Description of London ay and such a one it shall be when it once comes that shall put down Stow's Survey Howel's Londinopolis Delawn R. B. and all that ever writ on 't since London-stone was no bigger than a Cherry-stone or Iulius Caesar Built the Tower I question not in the least no not in the least but 't will Pit Box and Gallery with let me see with ay with Iordan's Lord Mayor's show or his Successors either tho' that 's bold word that 's the truth on 't By this time I guess the Reader is big upto the Chin with expectation as Mrs. Abi gail and her little Master at Bartholomeâ— Fair ' when they are just a going to begin for two or three hours together to satisfie his Curiosity I tell him now whatever I made him believe in the last Chapter that he 's not like to hear a word more on 't this two hours Thus do I love to elevate and surprize and sprinkle now and then some of that same in my writings which is so remarkable in my self that people shou'd miss what they expected and find what they never lookt for tho' both still very excellent nor must you think I do this without sound advisement and sage Reason for my Father coming here full in my way and he being nearer akin to me than all the City of London put together besides he conveying me thither and placing me there all the Reason i' the World I should dispatch him first that is to say make an end of him that is to say in a civil way finishing and closing altogether his Life and Death and paying that just Tribute of Tears Elelegies Sighs Groans and Acrosticks due to his Super-precious memory for wou'd it not be a preposterous thing for me in the midst of my Apprenticeship when my Father dy'd to run Rambling away from the Shop in the next Book and leave my Masters Business at six's and seven's no thank ye for that Evander had by that time a more staid Head of his own and was no such passionate admirer of hot Suppings to trot so far after ' em Besides to have my Fathers whole Life together the great Father of the not greater Evander why it looks noble and very fine and sounds as well as any thing in the World for when the Readers of this Book one Lord or t'other Earl this Wit and that Alderman shall find the marvellous deeds of the Son they 'll be very willing to go a little higher it being a very natural sort of Conclusion that this Son had a Father and that Father very probably not unlike this Son and then there needs no more to be said but that they 'd be extreamly well pleas'd to see this wondrous Father of this wondrous Son all together in one piece not Hang Drawn and Quartered about thro' all the twenty four Volumes here an Arm and there a Leg and there another Member Gentlemen your will shall be done 't is contrary to Evander's Nature to disoblige such Honourable Persons here 't is altogether nay I 'll say that you 'll have a Lump on 't turn to the Index let 's see run along wi' your Finger Chapter Chapter Chapter no 't is n't here Chap. 4. Chap. 5. not yet Chap. 6. there there ye have it but then what volume ay that shou'd have bin thought of before the Chapter why Volume the tenth no
Edification What an abstruse piece of Philosophy have ye there in cap. 1. pag. 27 28 29. of the Transmutation of Matter and the different almost infinite Forms it passes through which some of bigger Names have made so much work with and with what strength of Argument and pleasantness of Invention is it there prov'd at least probable that Vander is made of a roaring Lion or mighty Elephant Turn over to chap. 2. and see but what a sound and useful Discourse of Life presents it self to your Observation Nay so well inclined is Kainophilus that he lugs in this grave Meditation nolens volens and talks of Life though he came dead-born into the World Chap. 3. pag. 42. How dutifully and handsomly does he speak of his dear Vertuous Mother in those just Praises he gives that Paragon of Perfection both proposing a Pattern for the rest of Women to imitate in her and Children in him whose Respect and tender natural Affection both to her and his Father will never be forgoten till Vertue and Gratitude perish from the Earth The next Chapter is as famous for his Love to his Country for which he 'd do any think but fight as that before to his Mother Clinking in the close with a Prophetical touch of the Reduction of Ireland I begin now to fear I have a small touch of the Conjurer though I have so often disclaimed it in the former Book For those Verses being writ before His Majesty Landed in Ireland contain in a few lines as exact an Account of all the Expedition as if t 'had been taken out of the Gazet after 't was over Let the Reader be Witness else Their Fate draws near and now he lands and now Kneels on the shore and pays his second Vow There there he charg'd and shook the trembling ground With Sweat and Dust and Blood encompast round See Courcy See! to well-known Bogs they run As Birds obscene before the Rising-Sun So far Kainophilus has prov'd an errand Prophet and does not much doubt but a few Globes hence will bring the Completion of the two following Lines See Talbot See! thy Countrymen advance Their Conqu'ring Standards on the shores of France I can't imagin what the World wou'd have if all this don't take nor know any reason why Evander's Prophecies should not sell as well as Grebner's Emblems or Catastrophe Mundi Chap. 5. pag. 60. has an equally pleasant and profitable Discourse of School-Masters with some well deserv'd Strictures on that severity and cruelty practis'd by some of 'em and just acknowledgment to those of more temper and goodness Towards the end of which Chapter Evander confesses his Wit has a little run away with him so ungovernable a thing is towring Fancy when not hand-cufft by powerful Reason flying out against Learning beloved Learning at so Satyrical a rate as almost makes his heart bleed to read it when he thinks he has been so unkind to that which has been so kind to him But after he has thus broken its Head he gives so clever and kind a Plaister that any one wou'd be glad to be so wittily abused to have so good amends made him See pag. 107. In the Sixth Chapter there 's such clear Arguments for Childrens Duty to their Parents so deeply laid and strongly urged that they are able to Convert a Tartarian and make him as dutiful a Bantling as any thing but Evander The Seventh describes the glorious Town of London twice as big as Graffham with all the Humours and Remarkables the Bumkin stares his Eyes and Teeth out upon and some of the most common Tricks put upon those poor Travellers which makes the Book useful for all Meridians and may indifferently serve either for Taunton-Dean or London Where after an ingenious and remarkable Story or two about Androcles and Blood the next we present you with is a noble Paradox so much agitated concerning Self-Murther the rise of which is very suprizing for who but an Evander wou'd have entertaind such a sage discourse with himself at the top of the Monument whether he should throw himself down in the out-side and break his neck or civilly walk down Stairs as he came which last he wisely chuses for a great many Reasons though one of the weightiest unluckily forgotten Lest the Iury finding him Felo-de-se his Estate shou'd be lost and not descend to his Posterity or in plain terms not to be longer Enigmatical lest these Rambles which as ye have often heard he esteems the very Sons and Heirs of his Brains and Body should perish with him or only creep out like a helpless Abortive into the cold uncharitable World Then how grave just ingenious and tender is his Sacrifice to the Manes of the Immortal Mr. Cowley in Westminster-Abbey cap. 8. pag. 143. and how Citizen nay Alderman-like his Discourse upon Creditors and Debtors the Interest of Trade Sanctuary Prisons c. in the same Chapter pag. 146 147 148. and onwards 155 and 156. as thorough a Confutation of Transubstantiation as it deserves and Wild-house Priests Laureat and all thrown flat upon their backs Now I appeal to you O grave Iudges the Authors Printers Booksellers and Readers of this Famous City To thee O H st the very Genius of Smithfield and grand Encourager and Patron of all the godly Books and Ballads in all the Fairs of Kent and Christendom To the most famous Conscience-splitter in Cornhil the famous Squire at the Harrow or the indefatigable Author at the Black Raven To you O Shirley Philips Wesley the Vexers of Mankind and Translators of all Languages And to thy great Ghost O incomparable Bunyan whether from the Premisses it does not appear as bright as a Brass Pan and as clear as a Chrystal Drop at the end of Evander's Nose in the middle of Winter that this Book is as full of Profit as an Egg of Meat as my Pen with Ink I just dipt it over head and ears as my Skull with Brains or a Bookseller with Honesty Another silly Objection started out of Envy's lean Jaws is against that part of the Title wherein this Book is called A Voyage round the World Ay and so 't is and 't will be and a whisker of a Voyage too before 't is done But 't is only a pitiful Ramble from Post to Pillar from Graffam to Tonsa and back agen and to London and out agen and so to the place whence we came Agen Impertinent Will ye never be answerd Was there ever a Journey in the World which did not begin at one place or another The famous Predecessor and Prototype of Kainophilus the scarce greater Coryate quem honoris causâ nomino i. e. whose Breeches and Shoes are to this day honourably hung up in his own Parish-Church He himself begins his Rambles some where namely just where I do at his own Birth-place Odcomb in the County of Somerset whence that sounding Title of Odcombian Tom though I think Graffambian Iohn comes not an Ace behind
The Names Kainophilus Evander Iohn The Occupation a Booksellr Lastly the Vbi or wheresomness as well as the Quis or Quid the Whoiety or the Whatchicallity namely New-England Look upon the Evidence now 't is summ'd up together and if he ben't the Man he 's no Man at all but as perfect a Sprite as Posture-Clark in the t'other Book Thus is a modest Man opprest with noise and endeavours used to press him to Death with Weights when Strength can't do 't All I say is Circumstances are but Circumstances still though you pile 'em as high as the Monument I deny it do you prove it which you han't done yet by all you have said Till when you must give me leave to subscribe my self what I was before and am still like to be Your humble Servant Johannes in Nubibus alias Clowdy John CHAP. III. Containing something full as useful as the two formet SOhoe the House Knock at his Breast or Back-door and ask if Evander be at home for the eternal Rambler seems to have forgot his main business that famous Life of his which in the last Book he had so happily brought through the first Stage that of Childhood which he ended with the beginning of his Prenticeship I 'll assure ye 't is a great mistake he 's so far from having forgot what he 's about that he thinks on 't so much he can mind nothing else nay scarce that neither for he 's in so brown a Study or such deep far-fetcht Reflexion concerning the great Task he 's now to go thorough his Seven Years Service mingled with a little spark perhaps of displeasure at the World for forcing him here to spend two Chapters in his own Vindication that like a poor lean tired Jade in a dark Road stuck fast in Mire and Clay he hardly knows how to wag an Inch forward or backward Yet after a little pause he takes heart-a-grace and gives you his own Description in those most fresh springing Years of his tender Juvenility Do but step in there Sir in the Frontispiece Globe 5. standing or rather growing in the inside of his Counter like a Creeper against the side of an House with all the mortal Tokens of a Prentice appearing in his very Phisnomy Behold but the vastness of his Ears if like their Picture not only large enough as Oldham's Country Parson's to make Night-caps for himself and roll up over his Head every night to keep him from the injury of the Weather but like an excellent Instrument serving at once for several uses spatious enough for Towels wherein the Cook-Maid beshrew all her Kitchin-stuff for 't would too often for his repose wipe her greasie Golls and cleanse her colly'd Fingers nay had they been Leather and of the same length they are here describ'd ten to one but the Jade would have made use of 'em instead of Straps to whet her Knives upon But alas all this is meerly as pleases the Painter or Graver 't is no great difference for Evander's Ears as well as all his other parts were very proportionable and as the Verses before the Book Thus in Man the parts agree c. However leaving his Ears at present which are at his Countreys Service as well as all the rest of his Body I he and we Kind Courteous and Gentle Reader are now to settle in our Geers mind our Business learn our Trade and do what an honest Prentice knows to be his Duty What I have with a great deal of tugging formerly prov'd is just now to be rendred past all doubt namely the excellent profit and use as well as Rarity Novelty and Diversion of this Book For here am I Kainophilus resolved to leave all Apprentices both present and future such a Copy as I doubt few of 'em will write after none I am certain ever excel Evander himself is that Copy and if they 'll but take care to imitate him and follow such a high Example as he has set 'em they 'll all in time stand as fair for Aldermen as he himself does Nor is what he writes confined to his own single Experience and more narrow Sphere he having with the greatest pains and accuracy as his Custom is cropt and cull'd the very choicest Flowers to be found in other Writings giving them the same liberty in his own if they think fit to make use on 't The first and choicest care of young Evander as to this World was how to please his Master whom he was now marry'd to for better for worse for seven long years together a great part of his life and upon which all the rest depended And so acceptable was this care so tender a regard had he to this his industrious though unworthy Servant that he shall ever retain grateful resentments of the same till he 's all Dust and Worms-meat And how deeply his Character is imprinted in my heart shall be seen by this Impression wrought off from it shewing what he was is and none else ever shall be My Master was a grave good Man a substantial honest Citizen of London Devout and Religious without making a Trade on 't or as some of his Neighbours in a too literal sence making a Gain of Godliness Nor thought this enough without being Just and Honest towards his Neighbour Willing to do any Man a good turn if he might without injury to himself and as Charitable as Iust whatever his own Opinions were of smaller Matters thinking well of all whom he knew not to deserve the contrary though they differ'd from him and well of none for being of his Party unless they had other Merits to recommend ' em He was never over-fond of publick Honours and Employments neither unwilling to undergo 'em if plac'd on him by the suffrages of Fellow-Citizens or Laws of the Land thinking nothing too mean or heavy for him to stoop to or stand up under He was so far from glorying in betraying his Country and building his own Fortues on its ruin that he thought nothing but his Soul either of more value or more meriting his utmost care and concern Accordingly he ever gave his Hand and as freely his Heart for such Persons as his Representatives in Parliament who were properly such really like him and therefore fit to be so Gentlemen of honest Integrity Prudence and Courage vers'd in the Interests both of City and Nation His Religion was not confined to the Church any more than the Shop His behaviour in his Family being grave and exemplary his Devotion constant his Care over his Houshold tender and impartial To his Servants he seem'd indeed a Father rather than a Master but like a wise Father avoided the two dangerous extreams of Severity and Fondness that Scylla and Charybdis one of which by their endeavouring to avoid the other either sucks in or dashes in pieces the most of Mankind He indeed if ever any Master kept this golden mean steering exactly betwixt the Rock of one side and Gulph
have Tale-bearers and Tale-hearers punish'd the one hanging by the Tongue the other by the Ears Were his Will a Law in England many a tattling Fop would have his Vowels turn'd to Mutes Certainly 't is an ignoble thing to publish that to all that we dare not own to any 'T is a pitiful Cowardise that strikes a Man in the dark and like a Serpent bites him by the heel and then creeps into his hole for want of Courage to abet his Actions To invenome any Man's Name by Aspersions that freely tells us his Crime and with the Pelican dissects himself before us that so by ripping up his own Bowels we might see where the defects of Humanity reside is to add stripes with an Iron Rod to him who before hath fley'd himself with his own whipping and is always by a Noble Mind lookt upon with great disdain 'T is below the gallantry of Man to tyrannize over the weak The brave Soul scorns Advantages Is it noble in Arms to fight against the naked To meet my Enemy without a Weapon is his Protection if I be provided But alas there is no Man that blames another but himself comes under the lash in some other kind it being as natural for Men to err as to be And the purest Gold of upright Men that ever we read extant had yet something of an Allay No Man living is so circumspect so considerate or so fearful of offending but he has much to answer for The difference is that we do not all transgress in the same way He only may tax others by priviledge that hath not in himself what others may tax He that cleanses a Blot with blotted Fingers makes a greater Blurr And therefore it is that a good Man sets a guard upon his Lips and examins all his Language e're it passes The Scripture says Speak evil of no man then sure their hands cannot be clean that throw so much dirt in other Mens faces A good Name is like the Apple of our Eye of which we are always tender and the reason may be because it is of great use in serving God and our Generation therefore whosoever it be that goes to lessen our Credit labours in what he can to prevent the good we might do to the end of our Lives To cut the throat of a fair Reputation with Hums and Haws and with an O but which but generally proves more prejudicial than the Criminals Mark of T R F at an Arraignment you know him not so well as I is to act a Villany that wants a name The Tongue is connexed by Veins to the Brain and Heart by which Nature teacheth us that it is to be govern'd by the Intellect whose seat is in the head so that it may agree with the Heart Every honest Man will use both his Ears and his Heart before he whets his Tongue But some Readers that shall be nameless here for we design to firk 'em in our Twentieth Volume have Souls good for little but to salt their Bodies and exercise the Graces of others But that I may return to my promise I am here to tell you That I own nothing but Defects and Infirmities throughout all my Apprenticeship That my manner of Life then my sole Interest was a deep sense of my impiety a constant acknowledgment of a constant guilt with the Prophet David My sin is ever before me And that of Tertullian is my Motto Born to drive on no design to expedite no task but Repentance Not an Action I did but upbraided me with folly and nonsence and the reason was because as yet I saw but the outside of the World and Men and conceived them according to their appearing glister I pursued all vanities for happiness and enjoy'd them best in this fancy My Reason serv'd now not to curb but to understand my Appetite and prosecute the motions thereof with the greater earnestness I thought it might be proper to leave Repentance for gray hairs a bold adventure seing I had no Lease of my Life and was not sure of the next hour and therefore sinnâ—d to better my understanding and because I would not lose my Time I spent it I was apt to distaste Religion that 's the swetetest of Pleasures as a melancholy thing and thought my self ten years elder for a thought of Heaven I scorn'd and fear'd and yet hop'd for old Age but durst not imagin it with Wrinkles I did but I suffer'd much for my Knowledge and a great deal of Folly did or should have made me a wise Man My self was my own Temptation for my Temperament now giving Sense preheminence above Reason it added fuel to the fire of Youth and was the Mother of all my irregular Actions In these green years 't was my practice to have my Thoughts search no farther than my Eyes I never now did any thing that I wisht not to do agen and was never wise but after Misfortunes untamed blood did goad me into folly until Experience rein'd me in I rid unbitted wild and in a wanton fling But my good Master considering that the way to amendment was never out of date was resolved to try to the utmost how he could curb my Rambling Humour and he did it so well that under his charge I lived full Seven Years which being expired he made me First Free of the Company of Stationers And then A Freeman of the City of London How I perform'd my part as an Apprentice in all respects I am not able to declare it being nothing pertinent to that grave stuff wherewith I intend to line my Book For what passages can such green years afford worthy thy Knowledge or my Description But Reader wherein I have err'd upon any account 't is from Heaven and my Master and not from thee that I heartily ask forgiveness I confess 't was a noble saying of the Great Montaigne after he had finish'd his Rambles That were he to live over his life again he would live exactly as he had done I neither says he complain of the past nor do I fear the future and if I am not much deceived I am the same within that I am without I cannot say so for though I am but just peept into the Thirtieth year of my age and have always industriously devoted my Time and Rambles to the knowledge of Countreys Books and Men yet were I to correct the Errata's of my short Life I would quite alter the Press Not an Action have I done in which the Eagle-eyed may not easily perceive many unhappy steps excepting one I mean the Choice of my better and dearer self which could not have been better made had I had a thousand Advisers or as many Worlds to have rang'd in to have pleased my Eye and Fancy I verily think that had all the married Sons of my Grandfather Adam met with so good a Wife they would have thought they had bin still in Paradise or at least that they had
of a Diogenes is but the Derision of an Alexander Should I speak of those Noble Heroes who knew no work so full of ease as to Conquer whole Regions at once we shall find folly and rashness always mixt with their Enterprizes Should I speak of Alexander whose Fame was as universal as the Sun he flew Parmenio shou'd I mention the more than pious Marcus Antonius he lost the World for a Cleopatra a Woman a thing in Petticoats All oâ—r Actions are mark'd with the Character of Weakness our Humanity supposeth us Frail and Inconstant and the decaying Nature of what we enjoy tells us every day there is no solid Happiness in Life The best Man living does enough in the day to bring him upon his Knees at night How vain a thing is Man whom Toys delight And Shadows fright Variety of Impertinence Might give our dotage some pretence But to a circle bound We sin in a dull round We sit move eat and drink We dress undress discourse and think By the same Passions hurry'd on Imposing or Impos'd upon We pass the time in Sport or Toil We plow the Seas or safer Soil Thus all that we project or do We did it many a year ago We travel still a beaten way And yet how eager rise we to pursue The Sins of each returning day As if its Entertainments were all new I now expect to be snarl'd at by the sower Fops of the Town for this free way of writing but surely as Friend Seneca has it our Philosophy might carry us up to the bravery of a generous Mastiff that can hear the barking of a thousand Curs without taking any notice of them It was well answer'd of an old Courtier that was askt how he kept so long in favour Why says he by receiving Injuries and crying Your humble Servant for them Will any but a Mad-man quarrel with a Cur for barking when he may pacifie him with a Crust What have we to do but to get further off and laugh at him 'T is true Fidus Cornelius fell down right a crying in the Senate-house at Corbulos saying That he look'd like an Estridge But now ever remember this no Man was ever ridiculous to others that laught at himself first It prevents mischief and 't is a spiteful disappointment of those that take pleasure in such Abuses There are none more abusive to others than they that lye most open to it themselves but the humour goes round and he that laughs at my Rambles to day will have some Person or other fleering at his Maggots to morrow and revenge my quarrel He that is listening after private discourse and what People say of him shall never be at peace How many things that are innocent in themselves are made injurious yet by mis-construction wherefore some things we are to pause upon others to laugh at and others again to pardon 'T is the part of a Christian not to believe any thing till he is very certain of it for many probable things prove false we are prone to believe many things which we are unwilling to hear and so we conclude and take up a Prejudice before we can judge I never condemn any Man unheard or without letting him know his Accuser or his Crime 'T is a common thing for your Pick-thanks to say Do not you tell that you had it from me for if you do I 'll deny it and never tell you any thing again By which means Friends are set together by the Ears and the Informer slips his Neck out of the Collar Admit no Stories upon these terms for 't is an unjust thing to believe in private and to be angry openly for without the making the best of every thing there is no living in society with Mankind Let us never be too credulous some make it their sport to do ill Offices others do them only to pick a thank there are some that would part the dearest Friends in the World If it be a small matter says Seneca I would have Witnesses but if it be a greater I would have it upon Oath and allow time to the Accused and Council too and hear it over and over I know not which is worse the Bearer of Tales or the Receiver for the one makes the other The generous Man where he cannot stop others Mouths he will stop his own Ears The Receiver is as bad as the Thief Reader while I speak this to you I prescribe to my self what I write I read and desire to reduce all my Meditations to the ordering of my own Manners Well but some one will say this design of making a Man's self the Subject of his Writing were indeed excusable in Rare-and-Famous-Men who by their Reputation had given others a curiosity to be fully informed of them who have Qualities worthy of Imitation whose Life and Opinions may serve for Example To which I answer If the World find fault that I speak of my self I find fault that they do not so much as think of themselves Socrates that taught Nosce Teipsum learnt likewise to know himself and by that study was arriv'd to the Perfection of setting himself at naught And the old Philosopher never wanted occasion for his Tears whilst he considered himself I have this to say as an Apology for treating of my self that never any Man treated of a Subject he better understood and knew and therefore in this Subject I am the most understanding Man alive Sir William Cornwallis saith of Montaigne's Essays That it was the likeliest Book to advance Wisdom because the Author 's own Experience is the chiefest Argument in it And indeed shou'd every Man write an exact Narrative of the various Experiences and Circumstances of his Life comprehending as well his Vices as Vertues and have them with simplicity related how useful would this prove to the Publick But this so impartial Account may rather be wish'd for than expected since Men have ever preferred their own private Reputation before the real Good of themselves or others Alas every Man is not an Evander But now if contrary to the mode of such Travellers as lose their Thoughts in the open Air where they were conceived I have with more diligence registred mine It was out of no Opinion they deserve a longer life but to prevent Idleness 'T was my leisure hours at Sea that first put into my Head this fancy of Writing wherein when I found my self totally unprovided of other Matter I present my self to my self for Argument and Subject All I seek is by my Pen to find Employment for a Spirit that would break the Vessel had it nothing to work upon Alas Reader Writing is as natural to me as Eating I was born Studying as you find by my early Rambles And indeed no Man cometh into the World to be idle Adam in the state of Innocency when Emperor of the World must dress the Garden and after it was denounc'd against him In the sweat of thy brows
BY Anonymus In Praise of the ensuing Design IF you 'd know what thing is Wit Open the Book and read in it 〈◊〉 every Line you 'l find it writ â—Tis all but one substantial Jest â—ach part agrees so with the rest â—hat none can say this Line 's the best â—hus in Man the Parts agree 〈◊〉 such a different Unitie 〈◊〉 make up one enâ—â—â—e Diversitie A Voyage Round the World OR A Pocket-Library Divided into several Volumes The First of which contains the Rare Adventures OF DON KAINOPHILUS From his Cradle to his 15 th Year The like DISCOVERIES in such a Method never made by any Rambler before The whole WORK intermixt with ESSAYS HISTORICAL MORAL and DIVINE and all other kinds of Learning Done into English by a Lover of Travels Recommended by the WITS of both Universities All may have If they dare try a glorious Life or Grave Herb. Ch. Por. LONDON Printed for Richard Newcome Price Bound 1 s. 6 d. A Poetical Explanation OF THE FRONTISPIECE AFter his first Rambles which I need not to tell ye And his kicking and sprawling in his own Mothers Belly 1. First mark how the Bantling to all outward appearing When he first came to Life was as dead as a Herring Then he 's born in a Coach for a Cart was not handy Where an old Woman fetcht him agen wi'good Brandy 2. Here with Cock-horse and Boots his Nurse is forth-coming Of his future Atchievements the prosperous Omen The prophetical Shipton presenting the Baby With a Staff that 's his own and a Sword too it may be 3. From the fine Town of Grafham the best in the Shire on 't Thrice famous and glorious if you ever did hear on 't Here he Rambles to London where his Fathers intent is He might ask his Sons leave tho' to chain him a Prentice 4. Here he flys for the same what wou'd come on 't I told him Nor the Man nor the Master together cou'◠〈◊〉 him Here observe the wise Child in his Iuventâ—e Rambles Addressing himself for Bread and Cheese to the Brambles 5. Here finding the Commons were unkind to a Stranger He like Whittington turn'd and took wit in his Anger Where he vamps about Town for Caesar and Strada The Horn-book Morocco Iohn Bunnyan Granada 6. But now for the Ramble of Rambles contriving For he 's out of his Time and he Rambles a Wiveing Nine Lasses run squeaking thô there nothing to fear is Let 'em go where they will now he had caught his dear Iris 7. Here he 's for New-England departing half-dying From his t'other self Iris all sobbing and crying He takes his fair leave nor did sneakingly dodge her With a dear Well-beloved Sirnam'd Mr. Roger. 8. Behold here at Deal how boistrous the Sea is But he comforts the Rower with Caesarem vehis Hold up thy Head Iohn thô with danger surrounded Who e're heard of a King or a Bookseller drounded 9. Here he kecks for 't but O! how the Seamen did it tickle While he all over-flows the Cabin and Biticle Whilst Tritons and Dolphins swum dancingly by 'em Who by his sweet quavering mistook him for Arion 10. Next behold the poor Ship how 't is toss'd in a Blanket Thô afraid more than hurt good Fortune be thanked Where the Author assures ye if his Notes don't deceive him The Seamen were at Prayers have â—e Faith to believe him 11. Here the tother Ship 's lost and a fatal Embargo Is laid by â—ing Neptun on the Bookseller's Cargo Here he 's 〈◊〉 out of 's Wits by a Vessel of Sally O! What had poor Iris done had he gone to th' Serallio 12. Lo here in his Dream he lies sleeping and snoreing Like his Namesake the Tinker that rambled before him Surrounding the World in spite of the Journal As the Sun has two Motions th' annual and diurnal 13. From the Deck now he 's vanisht whom but just now you saw there There he stands on the Globe the self same Mr. Author T'other whispers him Tales you may know for the buying But where there 's such whisp'ring for ever ' ware Lying 14. When long the wide Ocean he had been tumbled and tost on Here he comes to the peaceable Haven of Boston Where his Lice run away and what more you 'd admire is He got clean without help of his housewifely Iris. 15. Here he Rambles to the Wigwams a horse-back d' ye mind him So goodly with the Flower of Boston behind him But his Honesty guards him from amorous Treason And if Iris be jealous I 'm sure she has no Reason 16. His Complements here with a King are exceeding You must know that both of 'em stood much on their breeding Here he kiss'd the fair Queen with a sober affection Each of 'em admiring each others Complexion 17. Here the best of the Parish are treating the Author With so glorious a Dinner 't wou'd make your mouth water Where he handles his Arms as well as the sternest And made 'em to know that his Guts were in earnest 18. Here all his American Rambles compleating Upon Governours-Island a whole Hog he is eating And a lusty Hog 't was thô perhaps 't wou'd not show so To the 13 Hands high of our learn'd Virtuouso 19. Here he walks on the Ice with the Gang to the Sea-side By his side joggs the Boatswain and the Whistle by his side Nor think this dull Ramble does the Frontispiâ—ce cumber For it needs must come in too to make up the number 20. Merry Boston adieu part you must thô 't is pitty But he 's made for mankind and all the World is his City See how on the Shore they hoop and they hollow Not for Ioy that he 's gone but for Grief they can't follow 21. For Rotterdam Hoa if with Wind and with Weather It been't washt away before he get thither Here he Rambles with Firkins and Doublets and Trouses And Kettles and Pots to the tops of the Houses 22. Here to Cullen he comes as at Cullen the Trade is Saluring the Kings and the Princess and Ladys But among the three Kings of the fair one he 's a follower For like will to like quoth the Devil to the Collier 23. Here he brings home a Ship full of Kindness and Kisses Penelope take thine own faithful Vlysses And behold him which the Cream of his hope and desire is Casting Anchor i' th' arms of his beautiful Iris. 24. When the Earth he had view'd and describ'd to a wonder When hee 'd Rambled all over 't here at last he creeps under Lye still where thou art Iohn for the quiet o' th' Nation Nor canst thou speak more without flat Conjuration Panegyrick Verses By the WITS of both Universities A POEM In Praise of Rambling By J. H. Master of Arts Fellow of Exeter-Colledge in Oxford ONe Night when sumes of charming Bottle Had fermentation rais'd in Noddle When various troops of airy Notions Danc'd in my Brain Morisco-motions Iudgment that us'd
Rambling to quench his Flames from place to place And stockt his Heaven with a Bastard-race Rumag'd Alcoves and all their Beds defil'd 'Till all th' immortal Females were with Child What was his SON the great Alcides too But a meer Rambler like the wandring Iew About the World the mighty Lubbard strol'd In dull complyance to the heavenly Scold 'Till Rambling in the dark his way he lost And almost knockt his Brains out 'gainst a Post Which now to make amends and raise his Fame Posterity has honour'd with his Name Nothing in Nature's fixt and stedfast found But all things run an endless Circuit round Heaven and Earth the Sun and Moon and Stars What are they else but Rambling Travellers And that bright Cup which does so gaily shine Did use to Ramble at their Feasts divine 'Till Jove did it in that high place bestow To light poor drunken Ramblers here below Then On brave John to end thy great intents Incourag'd by such glorious Precedents That Unborn Ages may thy Works applaud And spread thy Praises like thy Books abroad 'Till all Mankind by thy Example won Like Staring-Kine when with the Gad-fly stung Around the World from Post to Pillar run And by this strange Fantastick Reformation RAMBLING become the only thing in Fashion A RAMBLER Anagram by the Author RARE BLAMe THy stubborn Anagram Friend scorns to submit To all the little Rules of Sence and Wit â—pregnable while to it self 't is true â—e must divide before we can subdue â—onsence in Gobbets will the Reader choak â—hich easily slips down when chaw'd and broke â—or let false Criticks thy false spelling Blam â—ut know 't is all for th' sake of thy Rare Anagram Rare is thy Fortune Rare shall be thy Fame â—hô nibbling Envy thee unjustly Blame â—et them that Blame thee mend thee if they dare 〈◊〉 not ingeniously confess 't is Rare But if some Faults the rest seem to disgrace â—As there 's a Mole we know in Venus ' Face â—l Flesh must own that even those faults are Rare â—or any Flesh alive can Blame 'em there Those of thy Trade who now imploy themselves â—h ' honest noble Art of Dusting Shelves â—hô they mock thee and flout thee not a Pin for their Blame do thou care â—r thou gerst Mony by 't and sure that 's wondrous Rare TO My much Esteemed Friend Iohn Evander AUTHOR of this BOOK ENTITULED A Voyage round the WORLD WElcome dear Friend to me and England too Welcome as ever I have been to you Ulisses like at last return'd agen Tho' more than he thou Manners knowst and Men Altho' but Two-Years thou he rambled Ten. What 's the small Mediterranean he was tost on To the main Sea what 's Ithaca to Boston There needs 't is true no Bush for such rare Wine There needs no Band for a good Face like thine Yet will I throw my little Venture in My Drop into thy goodly Kilderkin And if my Verse Eternity can give As sure old Songs make Robin Hood to live 〈◊〉 strain my Muse and Conscience e're we part 〈◊〉 let thy Rambles have their due desert Ca'ndish and Drake rub off avauat be gone â— greater Traveller now 's approaching on 〈◊〉 for one way at once did well 't is true 〈◊〉 his Inventions far more strange and new 〈◊〉 once he forward goes and backwards too â—hilst his dull Body's for New-England bound â—is Soul in Dreams troâ—s all the World around 〈◊〉 Cunning Men and Conjurers use this Trade â—ho still as Stocks have Sea and Land survey'd â—or think he writes more than he saw thô he â—se Authors to refresh his Memorie 〈◊〉 Trav'llers have you know Authoritie 〈◊〉 Fame and thee as who dares doubt speak true â—o mortal Wight cou'd ever him out do â—o wandring Christian No nor wandring Jew â—esputius Madoc Cortes Captain Smith â—ithgow or whom Achates travel'd with â—hoever round the Earths vast Circle ran â—oryat or Cabot Hanno or Magellan â—y Horse or Foot or Ship how e're they 've gone â—hether Dutch Vander or Castilian Don â—one sure none over-went thee yet Friend John And see how on the Black'nd shore attends â—hy looseing Bark a shole of weeping Friends Weeping or what 's far worse the sad surprize And Grief for thy Departure froze their Eyes He that can cry or roar finds some relief But nothing kills like the dry silent grief But who can tell the mutual Sighs and Tears Husbandly manly Groans and gentle Wifely Fears Twixt thee and Iris at that fatal Tide Which did thâ— Knot of Heaven it self divide Oh! that I were an Husband for an hour â—or who can else describe Loves mighty power How sweet his Moments flow how free from strife When blest like thee Evander in a Wife But yet if dearer still Friends still must part They go but leave behind each others Heart Noâ— all the Love that Rambling cou'd inspire Not all his vigorous warmth and youthful Fire Couâ—d thaw Evander's Soul when she was gone How shou'd the Wax but freez without the Sun So Orpheus when his Lady downward fell When his sweet Spouse was left behind not well So screecht and on his Harp he play'd by turns So Orpheus then so now Evander mourns Now Neptune's foaming surges rave and boil While thou great Friend forsak'st our greater Isle Here may it stand just in the self-same place Here may it stand ' till thou hast run thy race With Blessings you forsake't althô it be Ungrateful Isle unkind untrue to thee A Place there is where vast Sea-monsters keep In the blew Bosom of the dreadful Deep Where watry Waves and boisterous Billows fight 'Till they almost strike fire in a Tempestuous Night Where surly Nereus sâ—owls and Neptune frowns In Sailors English and plain Prose The Downs Here did the Furies and the Fates combine To ruine all our Hopes dear Friend and thine For hadst thou perisht there without strange Grace America had never seen thy Face Now Tempests terrible around thee roll And wou'd have daunted any's but thy Soul The boisâ—erous surges toss thy Bark on high And with another Argo mawl the Skye Eternal Rambler whither art thou driven Since Earth's not wide enough thou 'lt travel Heaven â—f thou below so many Lands explore Sure thou 'lt above discover many more Secrets to all but one unknown before Survey'd at first by Mahomet on the back Of his good trusty Palfrey Alborack And when Dear Friend so near to bliss you be Remember Iris and Remember me Some hope Their earthly Learning they in Heav'n shall share But sure Friendship and Love will â—nter there But ah thou empty teazing Name Farewel That charms the Ship and down it sinks to Hell And wilt thou then thy third last Ramble make To the dark confines of the Stygean Lake Ben't Earth and Heaven enough that thou must go To view the Kingdoms of the World below Both of thy Pockets and thy self take care For sholes of Booksellers will scrape
for decorum's sake I nominate in the third Person is conscious to himself of nothing thro' these whole 24 Orbs of his Life but a most Milky purity and Babe-like Innocence You that after the vile Customs of the Age behave not your selves as you ought towards the Spouses of your Youth who render not what they ought to have all that Respect Tenderness Complaisance and Kindness Look ye what here is Look and learn see the pattern of Conjugal Affection and the very Warming-pan of Duty and Love Evander the Faithful Evander frying and burning for his well-beloved Iris in the midst of boystrous billows of the surging Waves as high as Tenariffa's cloudy Hill all cover'd with Eternal Snow and Winter and then O catch me gentle Reader or I shall break my Neck as well as thou thy sides if I fall on thee then sowcing down like a voracious Hawk upon his trembling Patridge Tearing Worrying Devouring her for Love but I say no more And then for Discretion to avoid Dangers and all that but t' were endless to run thro' all let it suffice thou hast here little less than an exact pattern of Heroick Virtue in all Circumstances and on all occasions Prentice Master Traveller Courtyer Sailor in a Shop out on 't and in agen Author Bookseller Printer and what not in all Offices and places from Scavenger up to High-Constable and so onwards And if this been't a Treasure let the World show a better As for the pretty little Virtues of Comity and Vrbanity this furnishes you to a miracle for have you a mind to divert either your self or Friend with the most pleasant and agreeable entertainment a Mans Iaws must be made of Iron and fastn'd as close to one another as if 't were done with the Pins of a Shop-window if what 's here enclosed don 't now and then wrench 'em asunder and discover not only the Teeth in his Head but the very grin of his Soul and such an Intellectual Tehe as will force the very Heart to be it self for Joy and the Blood flow out at such an immoderate rate as 't wou'd be almost impossible to hold fast any thing else Tho' o' the other side he 'll meet with passages that tho' they mayn't spoil will yet temper his Mirth and as the Egyptians had and they were cunning old Fellows a Deaths-head in the midst of his Dainties In a Word here is for all Capacities as well as all Sexes and Ages Here 's a help to Discourse the like never known Witty Songs Riddles Posies and Anagrams Here 's o' t'other side Heroic Pindaric and all the High-flyers that can be named Here 's Hieroglyphics and Cabalistical Treasures as Unintelligible as inestimable such unheard of Curiosities as Gaffarell and Paracelsus never dreamt of nor would have don 't tho' sometimes good Wits jump they are so rare and extraordinary tho' they had lived this thousand years I protest Gentlemen I blush like a Bathsheba in this unwelcom Employment and am Villanously put to 't thus to commend the work of my own proper fist and knuckles But 't is for your sakes not my own Modesty is injurious where it makes Merit rest in silent unobserv'd shades and cheats the Publick Who would buy Mackarel if no body cry'd it tho' 't were as sweet as a Nut Could you know all the good things in this Book without my telling it you and so buy it and be happy I 'd dye before I 'd give it all this Commendation tho' not a dram too much upon my Honour One thing more and then we 'll go and drink a dish of Coffee together I would not have you think that all this is but a Story a Whimwham or a what d' ye call ' em 'T is no Tale of a Budget in the Air and a strolling Christian Tinker No the Author values his Reputation more and so he tells you 't is as true real matter of Fact in brief There 's more truth in 't than you think of or are like to know I had forgot one Word stay a little longer and then some may snotter and snuffle at the many Collections they 'll find in these my Labours they 'll call me Owl Iay Cuckoo Magpy and a hundred Beasts of Birds besides for borrowing so many Feathers and gawdy plumes but they might I 'll tell them learn more Civility from an ingenious Person who has prefixed an ingenious Poem to these my Works and styleth me rather a Bee nay a mellifluous Bee or Brother to one who gathers Sweets and Dainties wherever he comes without ever hurting the pretty Pinks or tarnishing the fragrant Roses and how ungrateful were that rustick Boor and foolish withal who would refuse the delicate present this his little industrious Tenant would make him forsooth because he had stoln it from other folks Gardens and not gathered it only out of his own or as the Spider spins his Thred drawn from his own Bowels No the Author thanks ye for that kindness this were the way to write his Guts out before he has Rambled to the end of his four and twenty Globes It has been said of Accomplished Persons that they have Read Men as well as Books and why is there not as great a Commendation belongs to those who have Travell'd Books as well as Men and brought thence the Gold and precious Jeâ—els leaving 'em still as the Bee the Flower to return turn to the Metaphor already used not a jot the worse for wearing For the gay Feathers I have taken they may as well call one of the Indian Princes Atabalipa and Montezuma an Owl Jay or Magpy who borrow Feathers indeed from the Birds to Adorn themselves in their most Royal Robes But alas the Art is all materiam superabat opus 'T is the placing 'em and ordering 'em in such delicate Lights and Shades that only makes 'em so inimitably Beautiful and Lovely even so but I 'll spare the t'other Leg o' the Comparison and let the Reader never trust me more if I desire him to go with me any further than to this next Stile and then wee 'll part for I scorn to use him like a Quaker with his false-bottomed Sermons who Concludes 40 times over but will never have done I say I 've but one little tiney savour to beg and then and that is that he 'd maturely Weigh Swallow Chew the Cud and soundly digest this following first Book before he throw it out agen for should he make too much hast and too greedily read it over as 't is to be fear'd the pleasantness and rarity on 't will tempt him to be Ravenous why then 't will only cause Crudities in the Maw of his Soul and the next Volume coming upon him before he has concocted this and turned it into Life Blood and Nourishment they 'll only one confound another and either nauseate or choak him Not a Syllable more but READER Your ever Devoted Obsequious Obliged Rambling Humble Servant
Yours to the Antipodes and back agen KAINOPHILUS The Impartial Character OF A Rambler By the Author of the BOOK HE 's a thing wholly consisting of Extreams A Head Fingers and Toes for what his industrious Toes do tread his ready Fingers do write his running Head dictating But to describe him more exactly He is is made up of a large Head and Ears some Brains and most immoderate Tongue Toes and Fingers a very Carrier or Foot-post will draw him from any Company that has not been abroad excepting always his dear Iris for she is ever new meerly because he 's a sort of a Traveller But a Dutch Post ravishes him and the meer Superscription of a Letter thô there 's ne're a Bill in 't from Boston Italy or France sets him up like a Top Colen or Germany makes him spin and without Whipping too there 's the wonder and at seeing the word Vniverse America Flanders or the Holy Land thô but on the Title of a Book he 's ready to break Doublet let fall Breeches in a civil way and overflow the room with all those Wonderments have surpriz'd him in these flourishing Countreys If he has no Latin or Greek he makes it up with abundant scraps of Italian Spanish French and Dutch and thô he has little more knowledge in any of 'em than Comestato Parlez vous or How vare ye Min-heer and can hardly buy a Sallat in one Language or a Herring in t'other yet when he comes home he passes with himself and other like him for a monstrous learned Creature a Native of every Countrey under Heaven whereas indeed he 's a meer Babylonian he confounds all Languages but speaks none and is so careful to jumble together the Gibberish of other Countreys that he almost forgets his own Mother Tongue as the Roman Orator did his Name only the Writing the History of his Travels makes him remember it agen All his Discourse is shap'd into a Traveling Garb and is the same with his Manners and Haviour looking as if 't was contriv'd to make Mourners merry He 's all the strange shapes round the Maps put together one Legg a Hungarian t'other a Pole one piece of him a Turk and the next a Tartar or Moscovâ—â—e but if you look on his Face you 'd swear he 's a Laplander so much has Travelling Wind Sun and Rain discoulour'd it and alter'd it However chast his Body may be his Mind is extreamly prolifick his thoughts are a perfect Seraglio and he like a great Turk begets thousands of little Infants Remarks Fancys Fantasticks Crochets and Whirligigs on his wandring Intellect and when once begot they must be bred so out he turns 'em into the wide World to shift for themselves after he has put a few black and white Raggs about 'em to cover their Nakedness But to look upon 'em when they once get abroad to see how hugely they favour their Father Do but view 'em all over and Here 's that will cure your Corns Gout Chollick and what you please or as the most excellent Saffold 'T will cure every cureable Disease You have heard of the Monkey that cured the Cardinal Undâ—â— the Colledge and break Apothecarys â—Hall as easily as one of their Glasses Thereâ— no Man who for his sake wou'd n't neglect any thing but Business that is to say wou'd not be glad of his Company when he has nothing else to do He 'll asâ— you how you do where you have been what News how is 't if you have Travelled and above all when Publish'd How you like his Rambles han't they a fine Frontispiece Ay a very fine one there 's Art there 's Thought well and then for the Uerses before it I say Coriat's Book was but a Horn-book to 't they no more deserve to be compared together than Pilgrims Progress and Burton's Wonderments and so he would Ramble on to the End of the Chapter did not you out of Civility give him a gentle tweak by the Nose or kick on the Shins and ask him whether he knew what he was talking of Yet as good let him alone for if you get him out of this Impertinency he 'll ramble into a thousand more rather than want the Humanity of vexing you but then such courteous ones they 'll be for he 's the very Pink of Courtesie that ye can't for your Teeth find in your Heart to be angry with him If he chances to be Shipwrackt he can't be angry with the Sea or Winds Nay is rather pleas'd with 'em for giving him opportunity to describe a Storm more lively and tell the World what direful Dangers he escaped when he swum ashore like a Caesar with his Sword in one hand and his Commentaries in t'other He 's averse to nothing that has Motion in 't and for a Lowse he dearly loves such a painful Fellow-Traveller who Rambles over his Microcosm or lesser World as he the greater nibling and sucking here and there whenever he finds any thing agreeable to his Palate He 's generally for Foot service and thinks that much more brave than the Horse scorning to ride upon four Hoofs when Nature has given him ten Toes to support him But if he should be forc'd into such Circumstances by the surbating his Feet he envies those happier Criminals who have their Leggs ty'd under their Horses belly and thinks the most commodious way of riding is with his Face toward the Taâ—l for then he can't see any danger 'till he 's past it Other People are for walking with a Horse in their Hands he 's o' the contrary for riding with his Staff in his Hand or rather Walking with a Horse between his Leggs for his Feet still move at the same rate as if they touch'd the ground and were imployed in their own natural motion What 's other Mens Recreation is his business and yet he makes rather a pleasure of a Toyl than a Toyl of a pleasure for tho' he Ramble with all his might as when he rides every part of him works yet the more pain the more content and the Fatigues he meets with in all give such an odd sort of a pleasure as a Boar has when scrubbing his brawny Back against a Tree or an Irish man scratching where it itches I told you he Rambles with all his might and 't is true enough for he sets his Heart upon 't and there 's not one particle of his Body nor immaterial Snip of his Soul but Rambles as fast as his Legs nay some much faster To begin with his Brains for he has Brains some think they rambled from him in his Infancy and dropping then out of his Nose his Nurse good Woman being feeding him with Pap opportunely caught 'em in the Spoon and because the little Bantling shou'd n't be upbraided for want of 'em when he came to age put 'em in agen with the addition of a little of the gravy of her old gums tho' in the wrong place which he poor Innocent being
Bays let me take you a gentle tweak by the Nose and if you can't feel me you shall perswade me I don't see that These are Sacred things and you ought not to make a May-game of 'em they were Sacred before you had the handling of 'em but you make 'em what you blame others for doing your Priests there is as absolute a Merry-Andrew as e're a one in Smithfield you Burlesque your own Religion so egregiously that a Man must not have one grain of Spleen in his Nature or else bite his Lips off to see all the Trumpery and not laugh at it how do all the grave Persons then that are present with such great Devotion yes observe how great t is there 's an old Woman at once mumbling her Beads and a piece of Bisket another with one Hand on his Mass Book and another on his next Neighbours another with his Eyes turnâ—d up to the top of the Crucifix and his Mouth whispering to the next patch'd Lady that leans languishingly that way and rests upon his Shoulder A fourth most devoutly twatling his Ora pro nobis and at the same time slipping a Billet Deux or Assignation Note into a Religious Creatures Glove that all in Tears beholds the gawdy Idol just before her but wipes â—em off to tip a promising wink to her as Idolatrous Enamorato if all this been't true Mr. Bays I appeal to your Eyes as well as my own and sure there 's no Transubstantiation in this case what e're there is in others well you are a hardn'd insulting Heretick get you gone and leave me alone to my Devotion agreed for you are not worth Lampooning having been flogg'd and yerkt so long between Catholick and Heretick that there 's not one sound Inch left in Body Soul or Reputation now Now for the Temple but I met with all the Lawyers at Westminster Alas there 's nothing here now but a few solitary Whores wandring from one Stair-case to t'other as a Bird flutters about a Tree when her young ones are ravish'd from her Fleet-bridge I 'd rather go over thee than tumble into the Ditch ' Ware Bridewel and we are got safe at Pauls One wouâ—d think 't were Built for the Vniversal Church to meet in will 't ever be up or ever down again when 't is so any Traveller that comes to see that glorious Structure let 'em look for Evander's Name and if they don't find a thousand Guineas subscribed by him towards that noble design let 'em be so kind to do it for him and trust to his honesty for payment What 's next Pauls-Church-yard but I dare not stay my Face may chance to be known and then Murther comes out immediately Cheapside it grows late 't has been a pretty long walk the Sun's down and the Light 's up like half a hundred Suns together Let 's see Bow-Church Mercers-Chapel hold while 't is well 'T is time for everâ— honest Man to be at Home and therefore here will I set up my Staff and Ramble no longer having brought you thro' the City to the Change where I first begun And now that none may say Evander is uncourtly he 'll make a Leg and doff his Hat before he parts and then you 're very welcome Gentlemen If the World be but so just to the Author and so kind to its self as kindly to accept this first Essay of his Iuvenile Rambles which must of necessity be the most barren part of all the rest Kainophilus promises by all he values in this World by his own Honour and by the love of Iris to have the second Volume out by the latter end of the next Term at furthest comprehending an exact and pleasant account of what happen'd to him and many others during his seven years Apprentiship all the hardships some Prentices endure all the ways taken to ruine 'em and how to avoid them all lastly the brave things the London Prentices have done from him that killd the two Lions down to Your Obsequious Pedestal and Humillimous Servants Servant Kainophilus Evander The End of the First Volume Books Newly Published A New Martyrology or the Bloody Assizes now exactly methodiz'd in one Volume comprehending a compleat History of the Lives Tryals Sufferings Death and Characters of Sir Edmondbury Codfrey Justice Arnold Mr. Colledge Arthur Earl of Essex William Lord Russel Coll. Sydney Capt. Walcot Mr. Rouse Mr. Holloway Sir Thomas Armstrong Alderman Cornish Mr. Bateman Mr. Noyce Dr. Oats Mr. Iohnson Mr. Dangerfield the late Duke of Monmouth with the impartial History of his whole Expedition in the West the Earl of Argyle Coll. Rumbald Mr. Benjamin and Mr. William Hewling Mr. William Ienkins Mr. Batiscomb the Lady Lisle Mrs. Gaunt Mr. Nelthrop Mr. Charles Speake Coll. Holmes Mr. Hicks Mr. Lark Mr. Madders Capt. Kid Dr. Temple Mr. Parret Capt. Annesly and Capt. Matthews Together with the Dying Speeches Letters and Prayers c. of all the rest of those Eminent Protestants who fell in the West of England and elsewhere from the Year 1679 to 1689 with the Pictures of several of the chief of them in Copper Plates To this Treatise is added the Life Death and Character of George Lord Iefferies with the History of his Western Cruelties Price 2 s. 6 d. The Abdicated Prince or the Adventures of Four Years a Tragi-Comedy as it was lately Acted at the Court at Alba Regalis by several Persons of Great Quality The second Edition Price 1 s. The Bloody Duke or the Adventures for a Crown a Tragi-Comedy as it was Acted at the Court at Alba Regalis by several Persons of â—reat Quality Written by the Author of the Abdicated Prince Price 1 s. The late Revolution or the Happy Change a Tragi-Comedy as it was Acted throughout the English Dominions in the Year 1688. Written by a Person of Quality Price 1 s. The Royal Uoyage or the Irish Expedition a Tragiâ— Comedy as it was Acted and is now Acting in Ireland by the Chief Officers in his Majesties Army Price 1 s. These four new Plays contain a full Account of the Private Intrigues of the Two last Reigns and of all the most Remarkable Transactions that have happen'd since FINIS A Voyage Round the World OR A Pocket-Library VOL. II. Containing the Rare Adventures OF DON KAINOPHILUS During his Seven Years Prenticeship The whole WORK intermixt with Instructions for the Management of a Mans whole Life As also with particular Remarks on the most noted BOOKSELLERS AUTHORS and POETS In the City of London I wear my Pen as others do their Sword To each affronting Sot I meet the Word Is satisfaction straight to thrusts I go And pointed Satyr runs him through and through Oldham LONDON Printed for Richard Newcome 1691. Price Bound 1 s. 6 d. Advertisement THere is newly Published The present State of Europe Or the Histâ—â—cal and Political Mercury Giving an Account of all the publick and private Occurrences that are most considerable in every Coâ—â—t for the
of peace and Quietness for Decency Profit and such prudential Considerations lest it should obstruct the rolling forward of the other Two and twenty Globes yet behind in the Frontispiece and spoil the Sale of this and what comes after thereby cheating the World of a most inestimable Treasure now just ready to pop into their Libraries I say for such like Causes as these rather than any Necessity in the nature of the thing Evander Kainophilus and the Author laying their Heads together have resolved to give a sound and formal Answer that all the little snarful Criticks may for ever after hold their peace or have their Dogs Teeth broke out by the dint of ponderous Argument The main Objection then against this First Book last past as well as the whole Design is thus proposed by some wise ones namely That they don't know what to make on 't They can neither find beginning nor ending head nor tail nor can't for their Lives tell what the Author wou'd be at what he drives at or intends in part or whole What use what profit what account it turns to what 't is good for how it answers the Name how to reconcile Book and Title and make 'em kin to one another A Pocket-Library a Trap-stick 't is why ' tis'n't so much as a Catalogue and my Pocket is already sufficiently furnish't quoth one Spark with a Manuscript-Library of my own or Mistresses or Letters from Kainophil eternally to supply some certain Uses which only this new Library is like to be employed in However Paper is'n't yet so dear a Man must give Eighteen pence for a Weeks wiping Out you filthy Fellow you offend the nice Evander and deserve to remain as long imprison'd in the nasty place you prate of as the Iew who wou'd not come out on his own Sabbath But we shall have them anon and my Author has a Pen will firk ye if he setteth about it A Voyage round the World this quoth another Umph but what Page shall we find it in The Author has quite forgot it shatter'd the business out of his thin Skull and as the Panegyrist before him bin graciously pleas'd to ramble to somewhat else Here 's indeed a parcel of odd nonsensical Tales of Graffham and Dungrove and a Country Bumkin coming to London and flying in the Air and I know not what but what 's all this all this while to a Voyage about the World Why this is ten times worse than a Battel in Stylo recitativo The Man writes Short-hand quoth another witty Rogue and abbreviates Books into Pages them into Sentences and them into Words and between his Doggrel-Philosophy Prose and Poetry has shovel'd up such a Hodg-potch of stuff here as wou'd make a Hermit tear his Beard to hear it Very well when ye are out of breath 't is hop'd a Man may get room to speak for himself The first grave Complaint against this useful profitable ingenious admirable Book with modesty be it spoken is That People don't know what to make on 't And what if they don't Evander supposes 't would puzzle a good Logician to Analogyze all the famous History of the renowned Knight of the Mancha especially now P s has made nonscence on 't by shifting the Scene one Page in Spain and the next in England Perhaps I had never any mind you should know that I mean nor what to make on 't there lies all the Jest sometimes and why might not I intend my Book after the Tune of I lent my Mony to my Friend Or Riddle me Riddle me If Evander had obliged the World with the Second Edition of the Horn-book a Primmer in Folio or a new Protestant Tutor in Twenty four Volumes then 't had been enough to let the World have known what to make on 't Who knows not that those things are most admired which are least understood Unless the Infallible Church her self be foully out Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion nay it may be as much policy for me to have my Book unintelligible as for them to have their Prayers and all the rest of their Religion Not that I 'm a Papist for all that No I abominate both Flogging and Fasting as against the Light of Nature and as bad as Transubstantiation one of 'em as great an enemy to my Back as 'tother to my Belly but for Illustration or so now and then 't is lawful to pick a Flower if one can find it from e're a Dunghil in Christendom This supposing they could not understand it as another great Person said in a like case some years past I am't bound to find Sence both for my Book and my Readers 'T would be enough if I my self understood it whether others do so or no. And that I do I am my self the properest Judge But that the World mayn't think me morose or envious and to evidence the goodness of my Nature by its being so communicative I 'll e'ne for once make others as happy as my self Kainophilus will tweak the World 's great Nose open its Basin-Eyes lug its stubborn Ears and lead it into the most intimate meaning of all those precious things laid up in the sacred Archieves of those his admirable Works past present and to come He undertakes so clearly to demonstrate the pleasure profit and excellent advantage of the Premisses as to perswade any thing but an Vsurer to purchase 'em and lay 'em under the Pillow every night as Alexander did Homer He 'll prove as much beyond contradiction That 't is a true actual Voyage round the World ev'ry Word and Paragraph therein as Authentick as the renowned Mandevil and as Moral as the famous History of Reynard the Fox or the last Edition of the same Book disguised under the Title of the Hind and Panther And that in all these Heads the Design is carried on constantly the Method not confused though somewhat Cryptical and requiring a little study to crack the Shell and get out the Kernel The Frontispiece the Explanation the Title-page and Introduction make all this appear without any trouble of telling it The intent of the whole as therein appears being to give a Iournal of Life and a Description of the wide World and some Memoirs relating to the Actions of one particular Person from his Cradle to his Grave into which all the rest is most subtilly woven But who that Person is let none be so hasty to affirm Those who dare be so presumptuous we shall meet with 'em in the next Chapter and perhaps more severely in other places if they don't mend their Manners and mind their own Business Now this single Life whose soever 't is is Hieroglyphically delineated in the Twenty four Globes of the Frontispiece none but his own actual Rambles having the honour to be insculpt thereon wherein you see he is carried through all the Scenes of Life from his coming bare-b ' d into the World to his going in like manner out on 't which you
may see most pleasantly describ'd in the Twenty fourth and last Globe Through all which and every part of it you 'l find Directions for management of your self in any state of Life School-boy Prentice Traveller Soldier not too much tho' of that Lover Tradesman and what not with many pleasant and useful Digressions with or without Occasion some of which will cure the Melancholy if not as deep as any in Bedlam That ever any Man in his Senses but all are not Evanders should question the Usefulness of this Design and the past or following Volumes That in the first place 't was highly useful to Me which none need doubt I think the principal Verb I can assure 'em by my own Experience t' has turn'd a penny these hard times and the Thing Design and Method being all new and diverting has taken so well I have no reason to be sorry of having obliged the World since that has done as much by me agen an Evidence of which as well as of my Gratitude for it is this Second Volume Nor let any be so unjust to think the Usefulness of this Work is confined to the Author alone though Charity begins at home his design being more generous and communicative and tending to the profit of others as well as himself upon more accounts than two or three The first is because 't is so pleasant so diverting so tickling and all that to those who do but understand the whim on 't To see a Man describ'd and not describ'd playing Bo-peep with the World and hiding himself behind his Fingers like Merry Andrew clapping his Conjuring-Cap on and then crying Who sees me now thrusting his Head into a Bush and like a cunning sort of a Bird that comes from the Moon whither he is to take a Voyage in one of these odd Books and then defying all the World as Pembrook did to know him by his t'other end I say to see this ingenious Author as close under the name of Kainophilus as Achates and Aeneas in the Cloak of Venus seeing every Body and hearing what Folks say and censure of him and none seeing or hearing him What in the World can be a more pleasant Spectacle or better deserving the Motto over the door where this monstrous sight is to be seen Spectatum admissi risum teneatis amici But alas Evander's Person though diverting enough is far from being all the pleasant Humours of this Book Here are not only wise Ones but Fools of all sorts and sizes Cit. Fools and Bumkin Fools Prodigal Fools and Flint-fisted Fools Old Young and Middle-aged Quarto's Folio's and Decimo-Sexto's enough to furnish all the Shops from Temple-Bar to the Poultrey-Counter and if all this choice won't please ye your Stomachs must be too quâ—asie ever to eat Porridge with Evander How many Comical Remarks and Merry Fancies are stuck all over the Book like an Orange with Cloves a Lover with Flowers or a Mad-man with Straws or Feathers not to add a Traveller with Rambling Tales and Romances What think ye else of Evander's Character written by himself at the beginning of the Book an inimitable Piece and a Design hardly ever before attempted and that with as much Justice to himself as Diversion to the Reader What say ye Mr. Critick to all the Poetry which shines through every part of it as thick as the Stars in the milky way or the Vertues and Graces of the incomparable Iris Of the admirable and surprizing Novelty of both Matter and Method representing a Book made as it were out of nothing and yet containing every thing the sweetness of the Groves the pleasantness of the Country the purling of Streams and harmony of the Birds and whistling of the Winds and singing of the Cuckoes and Meditations of Evander Then o' t'other side the Grandeur of the City described in a method wholly new of which more anon and all the Rarities therein described the Stateliness of its Palaces the Magnificence of its Churches and the Honesty of its Booksellers which singular Subject richly merits a Volume as big as all Tostatus together But alas is here for want of room wedg'd up into one or two single Chapters though neither the last Book nor this nor their own nor all the Shops nor Walls in London or the World that 's a bold word are either strong enough or large enough or weighty enough to contain it But all this while how will I make profit of what 's only pleasant Why as easily as I make this Book and that before it If Pleasure be the chief Good as some Philosophers perhaps defensively and innocently enough if rightly taken have asserted then whatever is pleasant must undoubtedly contain all other goods under them and among them the profitable ones But not to mount the Argument above the vulgar Readers heads and perhaps my own too 't is plain enough that what 's so pleasant as this must needs be profitable too another way to the Body by chearing the Spirits sweetning the Blood dispelling black melancholy Fumes and making it as brisk as a Prentice just out of his Time a Crack't Tradesman newly Set-up again a jolly young Bridegroom on the Wedding-night or a fair Bride the next morning Then to the Mind what more innocently diverting keeping from a hundred worse Employments at once delighting and profiting and mingling utile dulci so exactly that there sha'nt be a scruple over or under on either side though weighed in Apollo's own Ballance Thus ye see how profitable the Book had been though t 'had been only pleasant But perhaps the grum sort of Readers will find fault with 't for that very cause they must have somewhat sowerer and stiffer to humour their Iackboot-Iudgments something that will bear reading a hundred times over without ever growing thread-bare that may exalt the Judgment improve the Mind and all that This they only call profit and without this it s beneath their supercilious Worships leisure so much as to cast a glance upon 't Well all this they shall have to please the grave Sirs whom by the leave of their Beards we must quarrel with for not acting like themselves condemning what they have never read or not sufficiently reflected on For which reason Kainophilus must be again forced to do violence on his modesty and point to the particular choice Jewels enshrined in this rich Cabinet by which may be easily guess'd how gravely and sagely he could have discours'd from one end to t'other wou'd the World have born it as easily as all Hercules is measur'd by his Foot or the former Fruitfulness of the Holy Land by some precious snips here and there to be found at this day I won't pretend to enumerate here all the sound pieces of good Philosophy Sence and Reason as strong as Love or Mustard which are scatter'd here and there all throughout the foremention'd Work though some such places I 'll direct you to for my own Credit as well as your
it And what do me I but precisely follow so good and laudable Authority and Example taking my rise at Graffam in order to this Hop-stride-and-Iump round the World This Description of all the World I begin early and intend to prosecute farther than ever any did before me I Begin my Rambles at nothing which I soon make something of and by that time I have done poor Vander will be nothing agen And yet that nothing something too for I 'm no Atheist but yet such a something as is between something and nothing What if I observe some minute passages in the prosecution of my Rambles the more exact still and perfect will the Iournal be and why mayn't I make as great a splutter with my Dialogue with Owls and Cuckoes as grave Authors do of Apollonius's Confabulation with the Sparrows and Oxen since I dare venture one of these Books to a Brass-Farthing one is as true as another Then for the gravity of some passages I wou'd make the same Excuse Osborn does and Cabbage his very words 't is n't the first time perhaps nor wou'd either he or you be ever the wiser in a case of like nature but not having the Book by me at present you must be content with the Quintessence on 't Some People quoth he may very gravely blame me for inserting some such slight Circumstances as these in my History I think that he then mention'd was the colour of Queen Ann's Hair Ay but let 'em consider He goes on so far till he 's out of sight and were Kainophilus to be made a Viscount he can't remember what 's next But will tell you what 's more to the purpose as he was saying before this Work is a fair and lawful Description of A Ramble round the World 'T is true here 's yet but a small part on 't describ'd nor I 'll assure ye have ye any more yet than a small part of this Ramble and yet that small one great enough too if consider'd in it self though but little in regard of the whole World nay all the Universe which as appears from the Frontispiece and Verses before the First Book he threatens to ramble all round every nook and crook on 't before he has done with 't Once more Mr. Kainophilus How comes this to be a Voyage round the World when we never yet met ye so much as in a Sculler crossing the Water You have bin indeed as ye told us before sailing and rowing and tugging by Land when ye â—ot a Horse-back where ye make tempestuous work on 't and your Vessel Reels tâ—rribly But all this is nothing to Sea-service and we never heard of a Voyage by Land since we were Christen'd till ye were pleas'd to bring the word into the World How Evander not understand true English who has been an Author these three and twenty years and cou'd almost read his Criss cross-row in his Mother's Belly Who has so many English Dictionaries in his Study and another in his Head bigger than all together and yet there 's still room to spare both for Brains and Projects Does not he nay now you ruffle his smooth Soul alter his fair Body and discompose him all over If ye go on at this rate with making Objections a Man does not know how to answer for their number I mean not their weight ye shall e'ne write your self and let the World laugh at ye for Evander will be your Fool no longer But not to over-rule this Plea we 'll for once joyn issue and giv 't a fair Answer This Voyage round the World was made in the Ship of Fancy which every one knows like the Cossaks Boats sails as well by Land as Water And now I hope you are satisfied One Objection more I ingeniously raise my self not to put others to the trouble I have pretty frequently mention'd the Famous Bunyan in the past and may perhaps in this present and future Rambles but can assure the World notwithstanding a flurt of Fancy now and then intended it with all the Reverence he deserves But if o't'other side any malicious Person should be displeased with me for quoting such a Tinker of an Author let 'em know I have a topping Example for the same which to vindicate both my self and him shall be here inserted and therewith I intend to close this Chapter See New Observator Vol. 2. Numb 27. ADVERTISEMENT MR. John Bunyan Author of the Pilgrims Progress and many other excellent Bookâ— that have found great acceptance hath left behinâ— him ten Manuscripts prepared by himself for thâ— Press before his Death His Widow is desired to Print them with some other of his Works which have been already printed but are 〈◊〉 present not to be had which will make together a Book of Ten Shillings in Sheets in Folio 〈◊〉 Persons who desire so great and good a Worâ— should be performed with speed are desired to send 〈◊〉 Five Shillings for their first Payment to the Undertaker who is impowred to give Receipts for the same CHAP. II. A word of Reproof to all such as pretend they know the Author of these Rambles SO great a Glory do I esteem it to be the Author of these Works that I cannot without great injury to my self and Justice endure that any shou'd own 'em who have nothing to do with 'em like the Fellow at Rome who pretended to Virgil's Verses But I need take no other way to confute these Plagiaries than Virgil himself did requiring the Tally to his Vos non vobis Let any Man write on at the rate this is already written and I 'll grant he is the Author of this Book that before and all the rest to the end of the Chapter No there is such a sort of a whim in the style something so like my self so Incomprehensible not because 't is Non-sense that whoever throws but half an Eye on that and me together will swear 't was spit out of the moth of Kainophilus This by the bye But 't is not the main business of this Chapter to assert what few will be so impudent to deny and what I could give Demonstration of by letting 'em see me write these very words which they read here and subscribing under it Yours Yours Yours in ten thousand Obligations of Love and Service Kainophilus Vander. The main work in hand is what the Contents explains in Short-hand To rebuke those at least over-bold Persons who pretend to know who this Kainophilus is and that better than I my self do which seems a very hard case in my simple Judgment Comes ye one grave and good Man to me I beg your Pardon 't was but a slip to a Friend of mine and thus accosts him Are n't you asham'd Mr. thus to expose your self and your Friends to all the World Why have you no sense of Honour in ye to write such a confounded silly Book as this of your self ay of your self there 's the Jest on 't I protest I 've
and Death Savage's Life and Death Short`s Life and Death Stern's Life and Death To which is added a Sermon preach`d in the Hearing of a Condemn'd Malefactor immediately before his 〈◊〉 by 〈◊〉 Price â—ound 1 s. 4. The Vanity and Impiety of Judicial Astrology whereby men undertake to Foâ—etell future Contingencâ—es especially the particular Fates of Mankind by the Knowledge of the Stars By Francis Crow M. A. All Four Sold at the Raven in the Poultrey TO His Honoured Friend IOHN KING Esq my late Fellow-Traveller through part of America Germany Holland and other Countries and now going again to Ramble GReat Travel saith the Holy Text is ordained for the Sons of Adam and none of his Posterity has been found without his share since our Life is but a Pilgrimage and all of us in a way-faring condition on this side Eternity No sooner do we leave the little Closers where we were framed than we begin our Ramble to those more spacious Chambers in the bowels of the Earth Every breath we draw is a step towards it and whilst you are reading this you pass one of the Stages on the Road. And therefore most dear Sir I do not at all discommend your present design that is laid upon so just and ancient Foundations but seeing you are going agen to launch your self into an Ocean in which lye many Rocks whereon some for want of skill or inadvertency have suffer'd Shipwrack it will not be amiss to take a Map along with you wherein you may discover those Gulfs on which many before you have bin ruin'd and so avoid those Misfortunes which their Destruction has render'd more signal By Travel a Man may be said to reduce into Practice that which before he only had the Theory of without being deluded by the often erroneous Assertions of others and how fatal unto Truth the dependance upon the Tradition and Authority of Men has been Truth it self can best discover Not that by this I would seem to impose a necessity of Travelling upon all Mankind for I know all are not equally qualified for it nor is it absolutely necessary to our well-being But seeing Novelty is a thing so agreeable to our nature besides the delight which the mighty Variety will afford you you will be thereby rendred more amiable unto all your Acquaintance when it shall please God to return you unto them again Every body will find something in you that will be pleasing to himself one will be ravisht with the Spices of Arabia and another with the gaudy Plumes of the Indians whilst you your self shall be able to make more advantagious Collections out of the great Book of Nature and observe how the Image of the Creator as in several sorts of shapes is represented in every Nation as well as in every Man The Gluttony of the Dutch and the Drunkenness of the German the morose 〈◊〉 of the Spaniard and the fantastical Airiness of the French the revengeful Subtilty of the Italian and the stable Fidelity of the English will be no unpleasing Diversion when in the enjoyment of the latter you may recollect the dangers and inconveniences of the others The Barbarity of the Heathen will make you bless the Fate which has placed you in another Society and some good Men which you may find among them for Pearls are ofâ—en in the Sands will make you admire the Excellency of Morality and perhaps laugh at the idle Oâ—tentations of those who after all ther pretences to more direct Rules take more oblique Courses These will be the noblest Objects of your regard And thus you may give a better Account of your time than that unfortunate Traveller who being demanded by some Friends What kind of place Venice was made answer That haste and approaching night made him gallop through it without taking any notice of it and too many may be found of that humour who to conceal their Ignorance often 〈◊〉 it with worse Circumstances as is said of the Woman who with her Cloaths to save the misfortune which from a window fell on her head exposed those other parts which Decency and Nature obliged her to concâ—al I will no longer trouble you with the Advantages of Travel because you cannot be without a prospect of them by which you are chiefly induced to undertake it And I question not but those which you will make will give you a view of more to be acquired of which when you are Master they will represent others unto you and so by a long Concatenation of what at once doth profit and delight â—â—ad you to such things as in their fruition will make you capable of greater Atchievements Perhaps the following Observations will not be altogether unwornhy your perusal and a place in your Palmers-scrip They have been the Reflections of my Retirements when in them as from some distant height I took a little View of the World and if you shall find them either profitable or delightful my endeavours can receive no greater Compeâ—sation than to arrive at so desirable a Goal And I hope you 'll find 'em both seeing Man is naturally an Inquisitive Creature continually hankering after Novelties and though for the most part a meer Stranger at home regardless of the Geography of his own Breast as I shall shew in a Treatise entituled A Map of Man Or â—Vander in Minature which will contain my Rambles round the Little World the worst and most deplorable Ignorance would yet seem acquainted with all the World beside How solicitous are we about the Affairs of Germany How curious to understand the Rarities of Egypt the Situation of Jerusalem the Magnificence of Versailles and uncertain Tales of Prester John Nay so far is this Itch of Curiosity indulg'd 〈…〉 a little but I am continually stopt by one or other to know what News from New-England Holland Flanders and those other Countries I have seen and what Rarities I have found there Where e're I come I am lookt upon as one arose from the dead having been two Years absent from my Native Countrey and recâ—â—ved with as many Querâ—es of what I have both seen and heard as would possibly be put to such an one First Daphne takes me and holds me fast by the Fist half an hour to know what fashion'd Top-Knots the Dutch Froes wear and will 〈◊〉 be torturing some News out of me from the East-Indies for she hearing I have crost the Seas concludes do you judge how rationally that I have been there But I am no sooner eased of her but Mutius catches me by the Golls demanding of me whether Boston be a great Town or a little one How John V r does How Books sell there And whether Ben. H s be yer living Or John H arrived when I left the place His mouth being stopt a third examins me boldly what News from Cullen Where the Emperor's Army is How the Duke of Lorrain died Of what Form is the Grand Visier's Tent How fares it with the Pope
shalt thou eat thy bread Solomon's Princess eats not the bread of idleness St. Paul laboured The High-Priests among the Iews had and the Great Mogul at this time hath a Trade at which as I heard in Leiden he is to labour every day And you may take notice that she is set out to us as skill'd in Cookery whose Brother was Solomon in all his glory Shall we eat and not work Shall we yawn away our precious hours Shall we think with the Lillies which neither spin nor labour our cloaths will grow upon us Alas Idleness is the Mother of all Mischief St. Austin says That he that is employed is tempted with one Devil but he that is Idle with a thousand I heard whilst I was in Holland of so great a Sluggard that as 't was said he never saw the Sun rising or setting in his whole life but would usually tell it for News at Noon that the Sun was up I remember I have read in an Italian History of one so Idle that he was fain to have one to help him to stir his Chaps when he should eat his Meat Such is the vileness of the Age we live in that Idleness is counted an Ornament and the greatest gentility is to do nothing whereas 't is Action only that is noble and not only the Celestial Bodies are in continual motion but he that is most high is Purissimus actus and besides the Contemplation of his own Goodness is ever at work in Acts of Providence and government of his Creatures 'T is Action that does keep the Soul both sweet and sound There is a kind of good Angel waiting upon diligence that ever carries a Lawrel in his Hand to Crown her The bosom'd Fist beckons the approach of Poverty but the lifted Arm does frighten Want How unworthy was that Man to live in the World of whom it was said He ne're did ought but only liv'd and dy'd Diligence and Moderation doubtless are the best steps to mount up to Preferment A Man is neither good nor wise nor rich at once yet softly creeping up those hills he shall every day better his Prospect till at last he gains the Top. A poor Man in Boston once found the Tag of a Point and put it in the lap of his Shirt One ask'd him what he could do with it He answers What I find all the year though it be never so little I lay it up at home till the years end and with all together I every New-years-day add a Dish to my Cup-board He that has the Patience to attend small Profits usually grows a great Man Polemon ready to die would needs be laid in his Grave alive and seeing the Sun shine he calls his Friends in haste to hide him lest as he said it should see him lying Seneca wou'd have a Man do something though it be to no purpose The Turks enjoyn all Men of what degree soever to be of some Trade The Grand Signior himself is not excus'd Mahomet the Turk he that Conquer'd Greece at the very time when he heard Embassadors did either Carve or Cut wooden Spoons or Frame something upon a Table This present Sultan makes Notches for Bows Cunus the Noble Roman was sound by the Fire-side seething of Turnips when the Samnite Embassador came for Audience Iulian the Emperor was ashamed any Man should see him Spit or Sweat because he thought continual labour should have concocted and dried up all such Superfluities Artaxerxes made Hafts for Knives Bias made Lanthorns Homer sung Ballads Aristotle was a Corn-cutter and Domitian the Emperour having no Rambles to write spent his time in killing Flies with a Bodkin Nicias the Painter was often so intent on his Trade as to forget Food and omit the reception of Nature's support Alexander never slept save with his Arm stretcht out of the Bed holding in his Hand a Silver Ball having a Silver Bason by his Bed-side that lest he slept too securely the falling of the Ball might awake him to Battle But why should I multiply Examples of this kind seeing here are enough to convince the Lazy how glorious a Vertue Diligence is and to authorize my Practice in writing my own Life and Travels seeing Emperors Kings and Nobles have employed their time on as trivial Subjects Montaigne says That nothing can be so absurdly said that has not been said before by some of the Philosophers And I am the more willing to expose my Whimsies to the Publick forasmuch as though they are spun out of my self and without any Pattern I know they will be found related to some ancient humour and some will not stick to say See whence he took it 'T is true I cannot deny but in this Book there are many things that may perhaps one day have bin made known to me by other Writers but if they have I have utterly forgot by whom But say they were all Collections Is the Honey the worse because the Bee sucks it out of many Flowers Or is the Spider's Web the more to be prais'd because it is extracted out of her own Bowels Wilt thou say the Taylor did not make the Garment because the Cloth it was made of was weav'd by the Weaver Therefore let no body insist upon the Matter I write but my Method in writing If I have borrowed any thing let them observe in what I borrow if I have known how to chuse what is proper to raise or relieve the Invention which is always my own for if I steal from others 't is that they may say for me what either for want of Language or want of Sence I cannot my self express 'T is true I have always an Idea in my Soul which presents me a better form than what I have in this Book made use of but I cannot catch it nor fit it to my purpose I can neither please nor delight my self much less ravish any one The best Story in the World would be spoyl'd by my handling If therefore I transplant any of others Notions into my own soil and confound them among my own I purposely conceal the Author to awe the temerity of those precipitous Censures that fall upon all sorts of Writings I will have my Reader wound Plutarch through my sides and rail against Seneca when they think they rail at me I must shelter my own weakness under these great Reputations But though there is nothing in this Book I have cudgel'd my Brains about yet I must confess during my ' Prenticeship I was a kind of Persecutor of Nature and would fain then have chang'd the dull Lead of my Brain into finer Mettal And to speak the truâ—h I have ever had a strange hankering after Learning but to atchieve it Nature was too kind to me she hope me to nothing but Patience and a Body yet what I have I usually have perfect for I read it so long before I can understand it that I get it without book 'T is confest I am a
if the one would never fade and the other always endure resolving in my thoughts never to see London again being ravished with the delights of the verdant Fields and enamour'd on the beauties of the Spring accounting none truly happy but he who enjoyed the felicities of a Country life Is he addicted to study Heaven is the Library the Sun Moon and Stars his Books to teach him Astronomy that great Volume his Ephemerides out of which he may calculate Predictions of times to follow yea in the very Clouds are written Lessons of Divinity for him to instruct him in wisdom the turning over their leaves teach him the variation of Seasons and how to dispose his business for all Weathers Who therefore would not consume his youth in such delightful studies that have power in them to keep off old age longer than it would or when old age doth come is able to give it the livelihood and vigour of youth Who would noâ— rather sit at the foot of a hill tending a â—lock of Sheep than at the helm of Authority controlling the stubborn and unruly Multitude Better it is in the solitary Woods and the wild Fields to be a Man among Beasts than in the midst of a peopled City to be be a Beast among Men. As I was thus strucken into admiration of these beauties and wholly taken up in a contemplation of the felicities of a retired life being already in my thoughts an absolute â—ountry Man I being now some miles distant from London the Metropolitan City of our fruitful Albion on a sudden the Welkin began to roar and send forth terrible peals of thunder the serene Skie was over-shadowed and Phoeâ—us hid his head behind a Cloud the Heavens began first to weep small tears afterwards to pour them in full Rivulets upon the thirsty Earth I had then no Pent-house to walk under to keep me from the Rain nor was there a red Lattice at every nook and corner as at London to give me entertainment the spâ—eading Boughs of the sturdy Oak were too feeble to defend me from being wet I look'd like a drencht Mousâ— having never a dry thread on me what to do I knew not Money I â—â—d none Friends none a Stranger both to the Place and People unexperienc'd in the World as in the way where I travell'd the consideration of those things made me add more moisture to the earth by the salt â—ears that trickled from my eyes to stand still I thought was in vain So forwards I went wet without and dry within sorrow they say causeth drouth at length I spy'd by the corner of a Wood a little thatcht Cottage thither I went and found by an old rotten Stick that darted out of it in imitation of a Sign-post that it was an Ale-house this something reviv'd my drooping Spirits so in I went to dry my outside and wet my inside where I found a good fire and stoâ—e of company of both Sexes merrily trouling the Bowl about singing of Catches and smoaking Tobacco no sooner was I enâ—red but one of them drank to me a full cup so down I sat amongst them being all alike free Citizens of the wide World the Strong Ale soon washt away all sorrow from my heart and now that I had a warm fire to sit by and a house over my head I bid a â—ig for all foul weather The great store of Rain that now fell made the High-ways like Hafty-Pudding by which means though I rid in Shoes and Stockings for being now tired I hired me a little Palfry yet I was sufficiently be-booted with dirt I rid over the Common melancholy alone but coming to Chesham Thicket there was company enough such as I liked not by any means and now Gramercy Horse for had not he looked as scurvily as I rid bootlesly scandalous I had undoubtedly been robb'd for I had no other Arms about me than those of the Primitive Christians Tears and Prayers but say I had to what purpose had it bin seeing I made it a Case of Conscience to kill a Man though it were in my own defence 'T is true I seem furnish'd sometimes with two defensive Weapons an old rusty Sword and a liberal Hand not to strike but to give away my Purse which is my politick device to preveut robbing But now if I had Valour in me I was affraid to shew it Besides it dwelt at least a furlong from my face for the cowardly form of that could not but encourage an Enemy Never was poor Horse and beastly Man so surveyed before by Devils I think for their Faces by their Vizard 〈◊〉 seemed every whit as black Escaping that danger I got the fourth days journey to Wendover alighting I fell all along for I had kickt away my Legs in riding thither Never did I find the difference till now of riding on a Yard-arm on the sharp ridg'd back of a surfeited Jade I had not so much skin left upon my breech as would make a white Patch for an Ethiopian Lady of Pleasure Here I lay three days to recover the damage my Posteriors had sustain'd by riding my wooden Horse In which time I observed but little remarkable but a Tapster's playing with a Fellow of the Town for Money in a little by Ale-house where was sold incomperable Ale which I found out by the information of a Cobler the reflection of whose face would have afforded light enough to an Ale-house at midnight This Cobler having been drinking till his Brains were shipwrackt in a deluge of Canary yet unable with all that Liquor â—o quench his Nose which appeared so flaming that when he was smoaking it could not be discerned by the most critical Eye at which end his Pipe burned with the more red-hot fire staggering towards his Lodging about the Suburbs of the Morning without any other light than was reflected from his Sâ—ellified Countenance chanc'd to encounter a certain Hydrogogical Engine by the Students in the Mathematicks call'd a Pump which he taking for some cross-grain'd Fellow that would not give the way made so furiously at it that with the terrible shock himself was beat backwards and fell down just under the Spout which a Maid having made use of just before for water to wash her house it still continued to drisle softly whereupon the sprawling Gentleman being much more inraged â—or you know no Injuries are so picquantly resiâ—ted by generous Spirits as those that come attended with contempt cries out You Dog cannot you be content to beaâ— and abuse me but you must piss upon me too and thereupon draws his Knife like a dying Hero from the ground made several passes at his Adversary till the Watch going their Rounds interrupted the ridicâ—lous Combat but perceiving the Gentleman Cobler had got a considerable Wound in his Skull took care for his safe conveyance to his Lodging left the excess of his Prowess might engage him in more such perilous Adventures Leaving this Town I found that I
loves his old contemporary Trees The very House that did him erst behold A little Infant sees him now grown Old And with his Staff walks where he crawl'd before Counts the age of one poor Cottage and no more Thus Health and Strength he t' a third Age enjoys And sees a long Posterity of Boys About the spatious World let others roam The Voyage Life is longest made at home I can easily believe that Dioclesian after his retreat from the Empire took more content in exercising the Trade of a Gardiner in Salona than in being Emperor of Rome for when Maximianus Herculeus writ to him to resume the Empire which he had with much felicity govern'd for twenty years he returned this Answer That if he would come unto Salona and observe the rare Productions of Nature and see how the Coleworts which he had planted with his own hands did thrive and prosper he would never trouble his Head with Crowns nor his Hands with Scepters This made Scipio after he had raised Rome to be the Metropolis of almost the whole World by a voluntary Exile to retire himself from it and at a private House in the middle of a Wood near Linternum to pass the remainder of his glorious Life no less gloriously There is no Safety no Security no Comfort no Content in Greatness This made a Great Man say Requiem quaesivi non inveni nisi in Angulo cum Libello I have sought for rest and quiet but could not find it but in a little corner with a Book Vive tibi lonâ—e noâ—â—na magna fuge O the Sweetness and Pleasure of those blessed Hours that I spend apart from the Noise and Business of the World How calm how gentle not so much as a Cloud or breath of Wind to disturb the Serenity of my Mind The World to me is a Prison and Solitude a Paradise Give me then with Sir Edward Cook a retired Life a peaceful Conscience honest Thoughts and vertuous Actions and I can pity Caesar. But whither do I ramble again 'T is time now to return to Philaret Come Philaret let 's be jogging for if we stay thus long in a place we shall never get Round the World Then farewel Buckingham till we meet again After an hours travel in Dust and Sun Philaret and I fancied we saw a little Cottage and indeed all the following Rambles are little more than a History of what might be Yet whatsoe're of Fiction I bring in 'T is so like Truth it seems at least a Kin. This little Cottage as we found at our arrival thither was inhabited only by those peaceful Animals called Hogs And now the liquid Silver gushing from the Welkin we here begg'd for shelter And a great deal of Complements we had about the introducing us into their Inchanted Castle which will run much better in Pindarick-Doggerel than plain Verse Kainophilus By your leave Mr. Hog If one may be so bold to presume For your Betters make room Hog You unmannerly Dog To wheedle one out of ones place When the Wind and the Rain drive so fast in ones face Kainoph In vain all the Herd to your succor you call For in spight of the Proverb the strongest now goes to the wall Hog to his Herd Come then my dearest dirty Loves My choice Seraglio large as Ioves Let 's away to Chesnut Groves And there secure our Droves And ramble and gruntle and ramble agen 'Till Heav'n take pity and dry up the Rain Philaret and I being indifferently refresht by vertue of this shelter we went forward very couragiously and after a little time we saluted a good handsome Town called Ailesbury This Ailesbury is a fair Market Town compassed about with many most pleasant green Meadows and Pastures of which the whole Vale is termed the Vale of Ailesbury How many Alehouses there were in this Town Philaret and I had not time to number only we saw the signs of some horned Beasts as the Bull the Ram c. But what the People are that dwelt therein we know not but guess you may have good Liquor there for your mony As for the Cage and Stocks there let those that have been in them give you a description of them During our stay in Ailesbury was solemnized a Westminster-Wedding as the Learned have it a Couple so fit for one another and no body else that Bridewel in conjunction with Newgate could not have afforded so suitable a match they were pleased honourably attended with a Regiment of Broom-men Kitchinstuff Merchants and Pickpockets c. to repair to Ailesbury Church where having tyed the unslipping knot in their return home-wards the wind began to rise between Mr. Bridegroom and Mrs. Bride which in short time increased to so dreadful a storm that their Vessels fell foul on each other Mr Bridegroom in this extremity took his dearest Spouse into his Arms with such a passionate Embrace that she almost resign'd her last breath in those Endearments but having recovered her self from the amorous Trance she in requital gave him a Kiss so close that it fetcht off above half of one of his Ears he still prosecuting his Fondness gave her a back salute with his Foot which she answered by stroaking his lovely Eyes so long with her double Fists till he could hardly see And by these pleasant Love-Toys endeavouring to outvy each other in affectionate Expressions they were so transported in the open fields for above half an hour till the Company fearing a surfeit of delight from such excess of dalliance interrupted their intwined Arms so that Mr. Bridegroom gathering up the ruins of his Peruke and she decently resitting her Tresses and so much as she could find of her Head-geer at a famous fountain hard by repair'd the Beauty of her battered Physiognomy and so both lovingly retired hand in hand to their poor Habitations and are like to live as kindly and as happily as most Couples now adays about Town These were the most Remarkable Passages I could learn concerning Ailesbury though Philaret and I discours'd of divers other Matters but amongst all the Subjects of our Chat we handled none so often and so feelingly as the Bottle and the Glass which were of Momentous Importance to us because we could not for ever enjoy them Strange Infatuation Preposterous Greediness To monopolize that which every Tavern can surfeit us with and be prodigal of that which once elapsed can never be obtained again Nature is bountiful in every thing but Time of that she is a Niggard and gives it us drop by drop Minute by Minute so that we can never possess two Minutes at once nor regain one of them when it is lost And yet we spend our Time by wholesale and in the Lump as if the Retail Care of Hours and Minutes were below us 'T is said that in the Globe there is no certain stated first Miridian from whence to derive Longitude I am sure in the Extent of Time