chooses any of the broad wayes that sin presents before it The difficulties that this holy Woman found in it she hath here declared and directed to be made publick partly to bear her Testimony against those who think otherwise She was careful that it might be in terms that should give no just offence fearing to offend the Jew or Greek or Church of Christ and endeavouring so much as she could without sin to comply with all that she might gain some to which end though she wrote it not with her own hand as being too infirm for such a work yet having dictated it she oft examned it and caused some alterations te be made in it after they were wrote so that a Will wrote by a Lawyer or Ser. vener is no less truly the Testators than this was hers Before I end this Preface give me leave to inform you into what famâ—liarity she was groan with Death some months before she met with it It is called in Scripture the King of Terrors and notâ—riously known to have amazed the bâ—ldest Constitutions yea and those somâ—times who have attained to good measures in grace But God to shew his Soveraignty bound this Leviathan for his Handmaid to play with and made it her servant insomuch as she called it her Fathers man sent to fetch her from School And upon a time about two wonths before she dyed sitting with her she fell into this discourse with me My dear said she I shall be in Heaven this Winter I pray take care of this poor body of mine when I am dead for Death cannot separate it from Christ and therefore see that it be used comely Let me beg you to close mine eyes your self and let not foolish passion keep you from rejoycing at my happiness in that hour Let my chin be kept from falling by pinning the ends of my pinner under it and when it is stiff with cold then leave them loose but put on no mufler When I am put in my Coffin raise my head with a small pillow and turn it to one side that it may resemble sleep and as little of ghastliness appear in it as may be Were it your lot to depart before me I would do the like for you and more not out of hardness of heart but intire love As inconsiderable as this may seem I know not why it should not be here recorded as well as Joseph's charge to his Brethren concerâ—ing his bones in the Scripture being an act of Faith as his was Being not like ever to meet with such a subject whilst I live I would willingly make this Entry larger but mine heart so much affects mine eyes that I cannot see to hold open the door any longer CONVERSION Exemplified MY Birth being in a Family which according to the value put upon things oâ— that nature is able to make as large a demonstration of Antiquity from honourable Ancestors as the generality of that rank of Persons can do I had withall the Blessing of that Education in it which might free me from being a dishonour to it being bred in the best and most ingenious wayes that that place and the distraction of the times by reason of civil Wars which began in my Childhood and continued till my grown Age could afford It was to the best of my remembrance about the tenth year of my age when God who is rich in mercy began to declare a design upon me locked up in the secret of his Counsels before the foundations of the World were laid of bringing me to the knowledge of himself in the face of Jesus Christ to whom though I was born an Enemy and of whose Natures Persons Officâ—s and Ordinances I was stupidly ignorant yet by the work of his own Spirit and â—ffâ—ctual teachingâ— of it I became so well acquainted with those great Mysteres in the true substance of them and that without the ordinary help of mans teaching of which that place was wanting as I was thereby in the infancy of my life enabled to receive the satisfaction of a Mediator to the justification of my person and the Spirit of the same Mediator for the sanctification of my nature and that some years before I understood them in their distinct and proper terms Upon this so choice and signal Love I cannot think at any time seriously without washing the â—eet of him with Tears who loved me and washed me in his own Blood To him be Glory for ever The method which the holy Ghost used in bringing me to God through Christ was that which he observes in the ordinary exeâ—utiâ—â— of his work as I have since been informed by Teachers of the Gospel and experienced Christians with whom then I had not the like acquaintance and it was first by convincing me of sin and then of righteousness the manner thuâ— Satan mingled his tâ—mptation with a childish disposition of waggery in me and stirred me up to hurt one of my Brothers in his slâ—â—p out of no reason but an inclination to do harm God who wants not means to break the Serpents head took accasion from hence to present me with the view of my nature how vile it was that it should be acting in me to provoke me to hurt an innocent Babe in his sleep yea a Brother who was as dear to me as mine own life A window being thus opened plenty of Light shed it self in whereby I was discovered to my self and that discovery was attended with so much terrour and sence of eternal wrath from God due to me a guilty sinner as the Bed I then lay upon afforded me no ease from which I arose in the dark and silent night to lamâ—nâ— my self and wosul state It was a dreadâ—ul time never to be forgotten of me Satan finding himself under so unexpected a defeat pursued his work to countermine the work of God thus begun in me and in order thereunto bespread my troubled soul with plenty of fiery Darts The first that he prest me to was Murther and that of my near Relations this by the assistance of God I soon cast out being convinced how impious abominable and unnatural it was to destroy my best Friends Then he urged me to make away my self as a Reprobaâ—e without hope but this I looked atas more unnatural than the other Nature as polluted as it was stood amazed and exâ—rcised great reluctancy against these bâ—oody Temptations Nevertheless perplex'd I was in a dreadful measure and knew not what to do Gospel I was ignorant of though I had read it often for the vaile was over my heart and the Scriptures were to me a Book clasped up having neither from Sermons or Conferences ever received help or light whereby spâ—ritually to understand them without which they are but a dead and deadly letter To communicate my condition to any I judged it most unadvised because I knew none that understood it For for those of my acquainiance who I did think knew most of the way to
Heaven I had always observed that they counted wounds of conscience for sin melancholy sits And if the wound were deeper and more smarting than ordinary then they esteemed them maddish upon whom it was and that it befel them for being guilty of some soul secret sin worse than themselves had ever committed And I did fear if they knew my case they would think no better on 't In which respect I was very careful to hide it from them Being at this set I turned aside from my black thoughts and said to my heart as Solomon in another case Goto I will try thee with mirth I sought diversion in merry company and would thereby have abated the rage of my guilty conscience as Cain sought to do by building of Cities This remedy encreased the disease for it multiplied sin in me and God thereupon multiplied my sorrows The Way being by his Providence thus hedged up with thorns about me I knew not how to get out This path at length he discovered to me that if I would ever be at peace I must get my sin pardoned in regard that it was most evident that all my anguish and torment proceeded from the guilt of unpardoned sin This I forthwith closed with being under clear conviction of the truth of it Then thought I If I would have my sins pardoned and get God to be my friend I must serve him better than I have done yet Here I fell most intâ—ntly upon seeking Righteousness by the works of the Law I read the Bible and the Practice of Piety and such other Books as I could get that treated of a godly and devout conversation I set upon private Pâ—ayer and as a help to it gâ—t Prayer-books which I did use having been so ignorantly educated as to know no better From these written Prayers I cannot say I found not any help but very little I am sure they being too dull and lazy a way to quicken a poor soul that was gasping for life When Children are very young they will swallow meat of the Nurses chewing but when thâ—y are grown and have teeth they use them and loath that which is prepared by others Thus it was with me in this case having then no prejudice begotten in me against them by conversing with those that were formerly called Puritans Sectaries Schismaticks and now called Phanaticks of which sort of People I then knew not any nor had read their Books But I do discharge my conscience upon my dying-bed in declaring my experience for the information of such as need it praying earnestly that the Testimony of a poor consumed dying creature might prevaile with those to whom the knowledge hereof shall come who think it worship enough to reade over a Prayer certain times in a day to distrust their condition before it is past cure I have nor parts and if I had I would not here imploy them to dispute the point of stinted forms of Prayer invented by some for the use of others Only this I did experience that the immediate sighs groans and longing desires of my heart sometimes expâ—est without words sometime in such words as occurred to my memory were graciously answered and consequently accepted of God and consequently to that wrought by his Spirit whose office is to be an Advocate in us as Christ is for us let the blind carnal world think and speak what they please to the contraty My wants were such as I found no printed Prayer that took notice of them and whether those Form-makers ever knew them or no I will not judge but if the Form-users were as hard followed as I was I believe they would cast away their crutches and scramble forward with their own legs I think their distress would not allow them time to look for a book A Prisoner condemned at the Bar begs for his Life without the help of a Petition written and such was my case But to return from this digression to the relation of the state I stood in at this time It was as I said a little before a state of righteousness by personal obedience for I was them of the works of the Law as the Apostle's phrase is Gal. 3. 10. I say of the works of the Law as of a trade in which I thought to earn eternal life and consequently I was under the curse because it is written Cursed is every one that continueth not in all things written in the book of the Law to do them It is nothing I can boast of and very little I can say as to what I did in this case to render my self well-pleasing to God and acceptable in his fight but what I could I did in works of piety and charity I thought most reverently of all persons in whom I did diseern a strict and circumspect conversation or would at any time speak of God or Holiness with any zeal or affection My indignation being no less kindled against the contrary especially those who were called the Clergy What I then observed among some of that rank was then is still and for ever will be the abhorrency of my soul but to mention it I am ashamed Unhappy Englant who art greatly infested with this generation For if Salt hath lost its savour wherewith shall it be seasoned and if the blind lead the blind both must fall into the ditch I was for some years tossed in this Sea where I found no calm nor any bottom to cast anehor in having the knowledge of sin but not of grace I judged my self the worst of sinners and oft wish'd I had never been born increasing my sin by that wish Walking sometimes alone when my fellows were in the pleasure of their childish sports I thought them blessed in comparison of my self as being not guilty of such sins as I was guilty of By these steps did the work of deep humiliation and bitter mourning for sin proceed in me And to that precipice was I brought that though God put under his hand secretly and did support me yet in mine own thoughts I was oft at the brink of utter despaire The dreadful consideration of appearing before the Judgement Seat of Christ came into my mind The first representation I had of him was that to him was committed the Judgment of the great Day and that he would exercise that Authority to my Condemnation unless I obtained mercy and favour from him Now notwithstanding I had oft read the story of Christs sufferings and wept in reading it being greatly affected with it and had a very high reverence about the Sacrament of his Supper being instituted to preserve the memorial of those sufferings Yet now I perceive and have done long that those were but humane passions working upon an object of great sorrows but no sanctified affections moved through a due sence of the meritorious cause of Christ's passion and consequently altogether without any saving knowledge of him Let such as resemble me in that frame of heart know that they deal
Christ I believed in and a fained faith I took comfoâ—t from Nay and further that if the Scrâ—pâ—â—â—s were not of God nor Christ 〈◊〉 râ—al Sâ—viour then was there no God 〈◊〉 all and so all my labour lost in seekâ—ng him Thus the Devil â—oucht his argument making one thing very dependent on another For certaâ—â—ly â—â— there is a God he hath revealed himself and iâ— not in the Scâ—â—pâ—ures no where To this assurance God hath now in grâ—at mercy brought me but in the infancy of my Conversion it was not so with me For so far was I left to the close pursuit of my spiritual Enemy and sunk so low under his strong Assaults as I seemed sometâ—me to conclude There was neither Heaven nor Hell God nor Devil Behold how pitâ—ous a Creature was I who without God's special Assistance should have been led to determine against mine own tryed â—xperience in things more certain than thoâ— objects about which sense is conversant For before this I had enjoyed the Presence of God and some taste of his heavenly Comforts and felt the power of Satan with some scorchings of hellish anguish But remaining under this distress doubting whether there was a God yet thinking there was and honouring those that walked conscionably because I supposed they knew it I pitcht upon this If there be a Devil surely there is a God Hereupon though I were of a very timerous nature I oft resorted into dark and lonesome places hoping to see the Devil as a means to convince me that there was a God This is put down to shew the extremity of my Temptation and folly of seeking that way of relief While I was under this Tryal I perceived that by it Satan endeavoured to bring me to a licencious course of life For if no God nor Devil Heaven nor Hell what need a man care what he speaks thinks or doth further than to accomplish his lustsul designs and satisfie the flesh Let them consider whose works they do and what their wayes without Repentance will be who muster up Arguments in Print denying the Eternity of the punishment of Reprobates But to proceed to speak of the straits I now lay under In them I endeavoured to apply to God in Prayer but such horrid Blasphemies upon that attempt were cast in as I was greatly discouraged to think upon him or draw near to him in any act of Worship How sad a time this was I appeal to those who have tasted of the like Cup It brought me to this resolution That if God about whom I had such conflicts had a Being which for all this I could not wholly be beaten from the belief of and would manifest his Favour to me in Christ I was willing to be a Vassel to the most tyrannical Monarch that ever the earth did bear all my dayes or to be exposed to any other suffering which he should think fit to inflict How unworthy am I then who have received the accomplishment of that desire and yet want that affection to God and rejoycing in him which I thought that Mercy he hath added thereunto a plentious possession of outward Comforts I want a heart to hate my self for this and words to signifie the hatred I feel How can I appear in the presence of God with this burthen of ingratitude if I were not brought in by my faithful High Priest As to the means of getting free from this encounter thus it was Being brought through long wrestling to the very point of yielding and giving all for lost like a routed Army or beaten man â—resh strength was ministred to me from this Text No temptation hath befallen you but that which is common to man but God is Faithful who with the temptation will give an issue that ye shall be able to bear it This Scripture I met with reading the Chapter wherein it is and pausing upon it I took special notice that the opinion I had long nourished was that my case was peculiar and none ever like me before This I found to be untrue For the Text in so many words saith the contrary Then that as my case was none other than had befallen others so God was faithful and of his faithfulness would give me a good issue out of it in his due time And I especially note it as the first time that ever I did think it to be God's dealing to leave sinners to the buffeting of Satan and his winnowings and to the turbulency of their own spirits as a means to convert them to himself and sanctisie and save them This light I had by meditating upon the words being without the benefit of Preachers good Books or experienced Christians After these things I continued waiting on God in the way of such duties as I understood exercising my self in prayer reading and the works of my particular calling but attained to little establishment in a way of abiding comfort meeting still sometimes with one temptation sometimes with another some new some old ones repeated according to the multitude of Satan's subtilties and the opportunities my corrupt heart or iniquities of the time and place wherein I lived ministred unto him I remember not so well as to relate it distinctly how long I continued in this condition nor the manner of my release from it By reason of which I must omit many considerable circumstances But in general after about two years added to the three years formerly mentioned the Lord brake in upon me with a very plentiful discovery of himself and enabled me to renew the actings of my saith upon him I was immediately thereupon filled with joy and peace more than I can express being throughly convinced that there is a God the Scriptures were of his inspiring and that Christ was the Saviour of believing repentant sinners The Ordinances I injoyed were my meat and drink the Sabbath my delight I speak not this as if I had that measure of faith joy and delight as I ought to have or as many of the People of God I suppose have had but I call it filling me with these graces comparatively to what I formerly had experienced For in this whole Narrative I am very fearful to lie for the glory of God by relating any work of his in me higher than it was and withal would be very loth to diminish detract from or conceal any of the merciful dispensations of his love and grace towards me Before I removed out of the Country where the Work which hath been the subject of what is here written past upon me I conceive it useful to remember the deportment of some Relations to me with the frame of my heart in reference thereto For however I did endeavour to hide this great change from the eyes of all men yet it had been as easie for me to suppress a perfume by shutting it in the hollow of my hand Grace as well as Sin hath the advantage of its kind which is to discover it self I could not but