to thinke the best iudge the best et modo te sanum fingito sanus eris away the iealous man departed and an other knocked at the gate The Louer entering to know his fortune Mockso describeth him VVHo is that said Fido I know not said Mockso but he looketh very pittifully vpon it and commeth sadly in a finicall fellow he is and very fashionable a stiffe necke he hath which God hateth and a streight dublet which no drunkard could endure for if he had it but one sitting he would not leaue it worth a button sure his taylor hath not done well to make it so short wasted crie him mercie now I looke so low he hath put all the waste in the knées of his breeches currage man if she will not another will Opinion of the Louer AS simple as he standeth there said Opinion hee hath let his owne arme blood himselfe in stead of a Barber-Surgeon and quaffed an health thereof in praise of his Mistresse when he had done hee hath kneeled oftner in the honour of his sweete heart then his Sauiour hee cruciateth himself with thought of her and wearieth al his friends with talking on her he is trapt in so long contemplation of her heauenly by him surmised beautie that some times missing his appointed meales Oscula dat ligno he kisseth the post most daintie face supposing it his loue and imbraceth his pillow or the ayre in his armes circumference her bodie being onely imagined present he maketh her a Dietie with his adoration and extolleth the lustre of her eyes aboue the Sun and Moone he is eliuated into the third heauen when hee dreameth of her and will admit no sublunarie resemblances in his comparisons concerning her though she haue a Negroes head a Virginian nose a Spanish face a Flemish necke and a Turkish stature all the morning he wasteth in finifying his body to please her eye all the afternoone he culleth out choice and â—remeditate speeches to delight her eare all supper while if they table together he peereth and prieth into the platters to picke out dainty morsels to content her maw and almost all the night he watcheth and prayeth for her sighing like a sencelesse beast and sobbing like a filly sot if he be riuald and put besides her to be briefe hee is his friends pittie his enemies derision his soules sorrow his bodies decay and his sweet-hearts derision A forsaken louer Fido his Oration to the Louer reuealing his fondnes and fortune BY this it seemeth you are in loue with whom a woman good what woman beauteous rich or honourable so how doth she requite your loue with scorn hate derision she is a woman the contrary to man as one defineth the greatest pleasure that can betide a man when he is depriued of her witnes Galba who seeing his neighbours wife hang her selfe vpon a figge tree desired a slippe thereof to graft hoping it would beare more such fruite meaning his wife The toylsomest burden that combreth a man as he certified who when the rest of his companie cast ouer-bord such stuffe as was most cumbersome vnto them being so commaunded by the Master of the Shippe tooke his wife in his arms with intent to fling her into the Sea had hee not beene interupted If then a wife be the contrary to an husband what concord can there be betweene them if a pleasure to be lost who would sigh to be depriued of one if a burden and clogge to be kept who would not skipp for ioy to haue his clogge taken from him But she is beauteous rich or honourable what is beautie with vntoward conditions but a faire flower with an ill sauour a painted sepulchre fil'd with putrid bones what are riches with wayward qualities but golden Mazers fraught with deadly poyson And as the Cynick likened a rich man without knowledge to a sheepe with a golden fleece so you may resemble a wealthy woman with wilfull manners to a Iade with golden trappings and what is honour a celestiall thing a radiant starre you will say but those starrs are not all one some are fixae some errantes some cadentes that is some are fixed some wandring some falling starres but she you admired was none of the fixed as her wandring and falling from you sheweth besides she scorneth hateth and derideth you if any of your best friends should serue you so you would renounce them yet you will reuerence her your worst enemie but men of your mould are like Spaniels which will creepe neerest to them that cudgell them so the frowarder their sweete hearts are the forwarder are they to crouch vnto them Quod licet ingratuÌ„ est quod non licet acrius vrit whereas being lesse obsequious they might fare better noui mulierum mores vbi velis noluÌ„t vbi nolis cupiunt vltro Some reason had Censorius Cato to leaue this precept for future times Trust not a woman the dogged Philosopher knew causes enough when he said it was too late for the olde man and too soone for the young to marrie Yet I speake not this in disgrace of vertuous women or to deterre you from marriage but for a man the King commander of al earthly crea ures whose body is pure whose minde more magnanimious to be deiected in spirit pale in physnomy leane in his limmes and all for a woman nay for such a woman as doth scorne hate and deride him fie it is intollerable Were she true and faithfull vnto you in lawfull and honest sort I would kindle and combine you with the best counsell I could but being otherwise take these precepts which if you follow will allay all lust and loue in you The first is to abandon idlenesse the nurse of wantonnes The second shunne solitarinesse and bee eyther doing something or discoursing and passing the time away in company The third to haue a good conceit of your selfe to cheere vp your spirits and doubt not but to haue her betters The fourth is to mince and extenuate any laudable part in her but to display and augment whatsoeuer deformity you know by her for loue is feigned blinde because he cannot iudge aright but maketh a mountaine of a Mole-hill a Saint of a Sow the best course therefore to banish him is to contrarie him in all his asseuerations to prise at a low rate that he highly vallueth as for instance Is the partie fatte fatte meate will cloy any man Is she leane what good stomacke careth for bones if she be pale of complexion she will proue but a puler is she high coloured an ill cognizance is she silent the still Sow will eate vp all the draugh dooth shee talke much a pratling gossip she is likely to proue and who would be troubled with a tatling tongue and such like Fiftly if shee vseth you hardly either in words or deeds or countenanceth any of your enemies or euill willers set it downe in your table-Table-bookes and write it vpon the wal in your bed-chamber
of apparell in the next village which lieth not for aboue eight-pence if you will helpe me to that first I shall thinke my selfe beholding vnto you and will tell you more the Gentleman rid as he ledde him who brought him to an alehouse and request him to alight and enter with him the Gentleman was contented and sat downe expecting when he would call for his apparell that he might redeeme it and take him along with him the begger called to his Hostesse saying Hostesse bring hither my Shirt shee brought him a black pot of ale which he drank off now said he bring me my Dublet then she brought him another pot of Ale which he dranke off now my breeches another pot she brought him that he dranke off now bring my hose shooes then she brought him two blacke pots of Ale those he drank off now my hat band and cloake then she brought him three blacke pots of Ale which he dranke off when he had done this he said Gentleman this is the suite I told you off and now I haue it I thinke I am as well apparelled as an Emperour the Gentleman smiling paied for this ale and departed so some of you might it aduantage them neuer so much will neuer forsake their drunkennesse The Dunkards Fortune this therefore is your fortune you shall spend all your money and runne so long on the score that the very wind pipe of your credite shall bee so choat that if you doe not drinke it out with readie pay your hostesse will kicke you out of her doores your wife will wish you in your graue your friendes be ashamed of you your enemies triumph ouer you sober men shall shunne your companie boyes laugh at you as you passe by them your bodie shall bee subiect to diseases you shall liue with neuer a penie in your purse neuer a totter on your backe no man will commit any matter of trust or secresie vnto you and in fine you shall lie and die in some ditch vnder some staule or in some prison if you like your fortune proceede as you haue hither too but if you abandon it better fortune will betide you the drunkard began to come prettily well to himselfe and walked somwhat soberlie aside and then Mockso whipped to the gate The Tobackonist commeth in a Brauado to the Fortune-teller Mockso describeth him as he approached WHo is that said Fido Sir quoth Mockso I know not certainlie but I thinke he cometh to play you a fitte of mirth for I behelde pipes in his pockette Now he draweth forth his Tinder-boxe and his touch-wood and falleth to his tacklings sure his throate is on fire the smoake flyeth so fast from his mouth blesse his beard with a bazen of water least he burne it some terrible thing hee taketh it maketh him pant and looke pale and hath an odious taste he spitteth so after it A Boule and a Broome some bodie if he holdeth on thus long hee will make a puddle in your porch and keepeth such a snuffing and puffing that he maketh all smoake againe Opinion of the Tobackonist O Haue patience Mockso said Opinion he is at his breake-fast it is his heauen or rather hell I should thinke it sendeth forth such mistes fogges and vapours fiue Chimnies well fewel'd vent not more smoake then his mouth and nostrils a man were better haue his house situated between two Brew-houses then a but vpon his Mansion I had rather thrust my head into a Iakes then peepe into his chamber And nothing so noisome were it to bee yeoman to a close stoole as to continue within fortie foote of his breathing yet is the causer of these inconueniences meat and drinke to him and he loueth it aboue the loue of women it is his mornings draught when he riseth his conserues or cates when he hath well dined his after noones nuncious and when he goeth to bedde his posset smoaking hote hee will not walke farre nor talke long without it nay he will loose his victuals rather then neglect it pawne his hat band but he will haue it To be breefe with him he is his owne strengths enféebler his beauties blemisher his wittes blunter his memories decayer and his appetites abater A toyish Tobackonist The Oration of Fido to the Tobackonist shewing his fortune SIr said Fido if I should extract the best counsell I could being disswasiue from your Tobacko-taking you would take it in snuffe custome hath so strongly combined you therunto that it were too indissoluble a knot for me to vntye yet this let me tell you that it is as an incensed Atropos to a long life clipping off the thred before it be thoroughly spun decaying and drying vp the prolonger of breath but you are perswaded as others few that it doth procure the contrary you thinke it a medicine for euery maladie giue you Tobacko and a figge for the Physitian say it were Physicke as you affirme yet Physicke is not taken at al times and seasons continually without Interim neither is one kind of Physicke adminstred to all bodies constitutions and diseases but Tobacko may bee compared to the potion which Circe gaue to Vlisses souldiers metamorphosing them into swine so this pretious weede as you esteeme it doth so selfe-besot those which take it that like swine they wallow in the myre of their admiring conceits that neither reason can rule them nor experience of others harmes sustained thereby make them refraine I will not denie that conceit may worke wonders but those wonders are onely in conceite as I haue heard of some who through an irreformable conceit haue imagined their noses to be as bigge as Pinnicles to flye in the ayre contend and quell Diuels by their owne naturall strength so you only by conceit thinke richly of the operation of your Indian Pudding hauing contrarie qualities in it a thing repugnant to Philosophy and working miraculous matters a quillit aboue nature as if you be fat then you take it to make you leane against the walles I hope you meane if leane then it will make you fat put V. and S. to fat and I will beleeue you if dull quicke witted if obliuious reuiue your memories doing these things and many more and helping all manner of diseases the poxe it will as soone But I could easily refute these and all your opinions had not this text beene thoroughly trauer'st and condemned with great iudgement and learning Didimus wrote ten thousand bookes of Grammer Agrip. de vani Scien in a solemne disputation and in the booke entituled Worke for a Chimnie sweeper and were there as many volumnes written concerning this subiect as Didimus wrote of the Grammer you would martyre them leafe by leafe and light your pipes at the flame Nitimur in vetitum that which wisedome doth forbid folly will follow This therefore is your Fortune if you leaue not taking your Indian stuffe betime custome will so confirme you to it Vincere consuetudinem
nothing that you get will prosper with you and what beauty delectation your body now containeth shall be of small continuance your haire which now is fast and thick shall fall from your head like leaues in Autumne your forehead which now is smooth shall soone be wrinkled like parched parchment your complexion which now is sanguine shall be of a saffron colour your cheekes thinne your nosethrils putrifactions your mouth toothlesse your breath noysome your flesh rotten your bones cankerous your pleasure shall be turned into paine your singing into sorrow Aches shall lodge in your head anguish in your heart diseases in euery part parcell of your body and after all these thy soule suffer perpetuall torments A side she walked and Mockso without any knocking skipped to the doore for the Wagge imagined shee could not want companions or seruants in this age so long as her good face lasted The retainer which waited on the woman entereth to know his fortune whom Mockso describeth as hee enters IS there any other come said Fido There is one comming answered Mockso he will scarce sée the way in his haire hangeth so in his light Fatuus in facie leno in corpore He looketh fat in the face and leane in the body how full of choler he is yet so long as those huge flops swagge about him he will be in some compasse his bootes are wrinkled as though they were made of olde wiues faces what capt on the toes sure he will not put off one of those caps to the best man that méeteth him in sober sadnesse his spurres haue scaped a scouring they looke so rustily whatsoeuer he be I thinke he would proue an honest man if hee would wash his face and serue God Opinion vpon the retainer SErue God said Opinion the diuell he will as soone hee hath not séene the insides of a Church these seuen yeares vnlesse with deuotion to pick a pocket or peruert some honest mans wife he would on purpose be pued with all villanie is his contemplation ribaldrie his talke and detestation his déedes Cardes are his darlings wherewith he playeth and a paire of Dice his onely Paradice he will omit no villanie he can cleanly commit he will cheat his father cosen his mother and cony-catch his owne sister if he can imagine the meanes how his owne wife he will make a prostitute for mony and hold the candle to any incarnate diuell whilst he committeth the déedes of darknesse with her sixe pence will make him sweare or forsweare any thing in a word he is a Post for Puncks an Harbinger for Whoremongers a Blood-hound for Bawdes a perfidious Pander Fido his speech to the Pander shewing his lewdnesse and fortune O Lamentable thy case is damnable thy trade odious thy selfe abominable thou art a man whose conditions I know not by experience neither haue I reade of many such as thy selfe in auncient Writers yet some of thy sect there were of whom I tooke little notice because I neuer meant to haue any commerce with them notwithstanding seeing I haue heard so much I could amply delate of thy sinne but I know it needlesse for my hope is I haue deiected the foundation whereon all thy practises are built I meane the woman thy Mistresse which was euen now with me and if shee fall from her former follie thou canst not stand vnlesse thou gettest some crooked prop to support thee which cannot hold long expect therefore no other fortune then vntimely death either by the stab in some drunken fray managed in the defence of your maintainer or by some disease got by her or by the halter if you doe not alter away the Pander walked after his Mistresse and another knocked at the gate The extortioner hobleth to know his fortune and is described by Mockso as he entereth VVHo is that said Fido that commeth next Vetus vietus veternosus senex a wise man I le warrant him for he can kéepe him selfe warme no friend to the Barber it should séeme by his rusticall ouer growne and vnfinified beard his gowne is throughly foxt yet he is sober for hee looketh as though he quenched his thirst with whay and water rather then with wine and stout Béere and his Mandilion edged round about with the stigmaticall Latine word Fur a ruffe about his neck not like a Ruffian but inch broad with small sets as if a péece of a Tobacco pipe had béene his poking stick his gloues are thrust vnder his girdle that you may sée how he rings his fingers blesse his worship now he commeth coughing in Opinion of the Extortioner comming to know his fortune HE is said Opinion miser qui nummos admiratur miserable or an able miser which maketh much of money Gold is his God and Siluer his Saint Bondes are his Bibles and Obligations his Horizons Scriueners are his Priests which doe his seruice and consoning Brokers his Christian brethren Security is his secretarie and Sergeants his seruing men he liueth by vse like a Bawde and dealeth deceitfully like a cheating gamester he is a rare Alchimist which from a little gold and siluer wil abstract a million in time Better is a poore Gentleman to fall into the pawes of a Lion then betweene his clutches and may with more safety escape the gripe of a she Beare then to be released from his leases to be briefe with him he is an insatiable cormorant or rather corne-vorant a bottomlesse Barathrum a mercilesse mony-monger a filthy forty in the hundreth an vnconscionable Extortioner Fido his Oration to the Extortioner displaying his damnable dealing and Fortune FAther you are welcome and without feare or flatterie I will breefely tell you my minde You haue long traffickt in a wicked and vnlawfull trade wicked I call it because it is repugnant to the lawes of the highest enacter of all decrees vnlawfull I may auouch it because I neuer knew nor heard of any good law maintaining it for the former if you run ouer the booke of bookes you shall finde many fearfull iudgements denounced against you and the latter you cannot contradict it by no Countrie lawes which although they flatly denie thee to take aboue tenne in the hundreth a veniall sinne in respect of thy capitall and deadly offence yet dooth it not authorise thee to take so much but taxeth thee if thou vsurpest any more But what should I talke of this text which hath beene throughly intreated of by better and more iudicious then my selfe or why should I wast my breath to thee which hast neither faith hope nor charity What doe I talke of these thinges to thee whom the loue of riches hath so besotted that it is impossible to diuert it or how should I thinke to preuaile by disswading Cum te neque feruidus aestus Dimoueat lucro neque hyemps ignis mare ferrū when neither the parching heate nor benumbing cold neither fire sword nor sea can disswade Impulit amentes aurique cupidine caecos Ire
that you may at al times better remember them consider if she tendered you she wold not wrong you Many more could I expresse but I should be ouer-tedious therefore to your fortune which now is bad enough neither would I wish any worse though I should wish them hanged for hanging is the end of care but loue the enterance but what will be hereafter that is as your choise is if you be aduised hope the best if not looke for crooked fortune as well as some of your betters haue had before you away the Louer walked and another came to the gate The Virgin entereth to know her fortune Mockso describing her VVHo is it said Fido Diana or one of her darlings he replied I am perplexed with her proportion the very glimse of her hath amazed me beauty sitteth enthronized on herbrowes modesty in her eies health in her chéekes silence on her tongue Balsamum in her breath immaculation on her necke temperance on her waste comelinesse on her whole body Cytherea may sigh at her portraiture Delia blush at her behauiour her lookes turne not too and fro her spéech is not obstreperous no pride in her apparrell no affectation in her gate the map of modestie and picture of purenesse Opinion of the Virgin REmtenes said Opinion now you haue layed giving aside you haue eased me of a labour a pur-blinde wit may perceiue what she is an immaculate virgin The Fortune-tellers Oration to the Virgine encouraging her to chastitie and shewing her fortune AMiable Maid which hitherto hast led a chast and vnpolluted life Non est digna ponderatio continentis animae perseuer still as you haue begun and make no doubt but to be right happy being enriched with so vnestimable a iewell as chastitie which is a caelestiall beatitude the sister of the Angels the conqueresse of concupiscence the Queene of vertues although it vouchsafeth to inhabite the minde and body of you an earthly creature seeing therefore it is such an inestimable iewell how warily are you to keepe it such a Peerelesse Princesse how loyally are you to loue it Maior victoria virginum quam angelorum such a victorious triumpher how carefully are you to guard it so vnmatchably allied how much are you to make of it All which that you may the better effect He giueth her a Lilly the Hierogliphick of chastitie I will bestowe this flower vpon you it is a Lilly not naturall but artificially composed like to a naturall Lilly hauing sixe siluer leaues containing sixe seuerall posies to preserue your chastitie the first whereof hath this posie engrauen in it Cibi potus sobrietas that is temperance in eating and drinking which is an efficient cause to quell conquer wantonnesse whereas excesse of both or either of them doth animate and make it rebellious and also disfigure the party pleased with the same for immoderate eating breedeth fiue blemishes in the behauiour of a virgine which do deforme her reputation more then fifteene wheales or pimples would disgrace her face The first is scurrility of speech a naughtie thing in any The second talkatiuenesse or much babling The third a foolish ioy or petulant kinde of gesture The fourth vomiting belching or such like The fift drowsinesse of body and dulnesse of minde which although they are slightly obserued in others yet are they sooner marked in a maiden as blacke spots easier espied in a white cloath then in darke coloured vestures touching inordinate drinking of wine all are forbidden it but you especially of all others Virgo fugiat vinum vt venenum nam vinum in adolescentia est duplex incendium voluptatis that is a virgine ought to reiect wine as poison which is a two-fold fire-brand to kindle lust in youth Sine Cerere Baccho friget Venus abstinence therefore is the first weapon to defend chastitie and put the enemie to flight which as it is comely in any presence so it is commodious for any feminine personage keeping them from fogginesse grosnesse and fiery faces Deducunt cibum tametsi est bona natura vt reddant curatura iunceas that is as one said of Virgins in his time they pinch their bellies of meate a good custome that they might be as small as bull-rushes The second leafe of this Lilly hath engrauen in it Asperitas vestitus that is coursenesse and plainenesse of apparrell for garish and fantasticall cloathes are speechlesse reporters of wanton mindes therefore said one which had some trafique with such light stuffe Vestitus in siguis mollis superbiae vexillum nidusque luxurie that sumptuous and soft raiments were the Ensignes of pride but light and loose cloathing the index of luxurie and as in olde time such as solde horses were wont to put flowers or boughes vpon their heads to reueale that they were vendible so such as trim and trick themselues with toyes gewgawes shew that they are willing if any will let therefore your apparrell be plaine yet comely which will stop the mouth of euill report and as course as you can indure it if you meane to tame your lust Otia si tollas periere Cupidinis arcus Ouid. The third leafe is set downe laboris strenuitas labour and exercise for if your minde be busied about any good huswifrie or setled seriously vpon any honest exercise lust can haue no power ouer you therefore wee reade how Penelope a constant Lady would carde and to ase wooll her selfe least shee should be idle and consequently subiect to lasciuious thoughts and deedes in the tenne yeeres absence of her husband and the Vestals if at any time they had let the fire on the Altar goe out they were enioyned to kindle it againe with the beames of the sunne In the fourth leafe is printed Custodia sensuum that is not to giue your senses any scope or liberty Vitijs in animum per oculos est via especially the sight or hearing for iniquitie through the eye-lids glideth into the heart and many haue beene entrapped by giuing audience to the alluring songs of the Sirens In the fift leafe modestia verborum modest words you must vse qualis homo talis oratio such as the woman is such are her words for a proud woman will be rapping arrogant words a foolish woman fond words a wāton woman lasciuious words but a chast woman modest words and few Therfore said a graue Father that the speech of a virgine ought to be wise ciuill slow and sparing that she might be accounted as excellent for her speech as for her chastity for euill words corrupt good manners In the sixt and last leafe of this Lilly is written Fuga opportunitatum the eschuing of opportunity to shunn the company and conuersation of men for albeit I am a man my selfe and shall be reputed foolish to bewray mine owne neast yet to benefit such a goodly creature as your selfe whom it were villany to iniurie I will display the practises