in fair to make as many Rogues as he did Whores These Daughters of this mighty Family being thus by the aid of great Portions provided for the good old Gentleman prides himself in the Companies of his goodly number of Sons fancying every one to be a seventh a Conjurer a Fortune-teller Magician Cunning-man or at least no Fool. He kept a House like the Old Courtier of the Queens or the Queens old Courtier He had all his sons set about his Table with their Hats on their heads as they did at all times in Fathers presence though two of them were under 20. years of Age. These Sons could scarce read or write their names well And that hapned thus when the eldest was very young and intended for School a Puritan came to the good old Father and told him of a pious Book called the Confessions of good Austin which he had often read and found that one of the first great offences that Holy man repented of after his Conversion was robbing of an Orchard which he was enticed to by the wicked solicitations of his Fellow-Scholars at a Grammar School therefore worthy Sir quoth he send not your Son to School for he will learn to rob Orchards and then be forced to do Penance in old Age and that before the uncircumcised Formalist of his Parish according to the Idolatrous Rubrick At which discourse there hapned to be present a Paedagogue who took up the Cudgels in defence of School-Education using many Arguments to that purpose and for answer to the Orchard business told of one of great Natural Wit who bewailed his not going to a Free-School for many reasons in particular for that he missed the opportunities of Robbing Orchards whereby he might have learned the Arts of Scaling of Walls besieging of Towns Approaches Retreats c. at which the old Gentleman stopped him saying Hold Sir I like not you nor your Man of Natural Wit neither who seems to me to be a man void of Grace especially in comparison of this Godly man whose directions I will follow who hath informed me from the same Austin that Grace is enough without the prophane Learning of the Heathens And from that time he resolved against Learning and provided for his Sons according to the Country Education a Huntsman with a Kennel of Blood-Hounds Fox-hounds Beagles and Tarriers A Falkoner with Sparrow-hawks Lanners Tassels and Goss-hawks A Warrener with Tumblers and Lurkers besides other implements of his Art Another Servant who attended the Grey-hounds and Setting-Dogs an Archer for the Long-Bow Cross-Bow and had the skill of Gun and Stalking-Horse too and all his Materials and Instrnments of Game were kept always at hand A Fisherman used his time well about the Ponds Dams and Meers in furnishing the Table with most sorts of Fresh-water Fish and made it pleasant in the taking them with Angles Trolls Snares Nets and other Engines There was also a Billiard-Table Shovel-board Chess-board Cards Dice Nine-Pins and they that would might also play at Nine holes or Span Counter There was designed a Tennis Court to be built but one like your Adviser Sir came and told that it was used at London and that naughty people used to come thither and to go from thence to naughty places which spoiled the project So strange a thing is a prejudic'd mind as if a Tennis Court were not less noxious then Cards and Dice yet such is the foolish admiration of persons That Errors are espoused for the Authors sake and some such weighty reason pulled down the Tennis Court at New-market But to our business again Sir i. e. to the Story of the seven Sons who you see were provided for to make Country Hero's far beyond what your Adviser has mentioned to you Sir These young Gentlemen every day made use of some of these divertisements and doubtless became good proficients therein only George one of the youngest often staid at home pretending to break his Fast with Curds and Cream Fresh Butter and New brown Bread Butter-milk or Whey and doing often so the eldest Brother Ezekiel fansied the Dairy afforded something more pleasant than what he knew and so watched George on a time and through a Creviss perceived that George had found out a Recreation not provided for by the Old man and that was to help Tydy the Dairy Maid to Churn which Churning was done after such a manner as made Ezekiels Teeth to water as if Buttermilk or Whey had a Spring in his mouth All this Ezekiel kept to himself and when George was a Hunting then he helped to Churn with Tydy which priviledge he obtained to keep Counsel and on the same score every one of the Brothers had their turns and I think she was well helped to Churn insomuch that by over-labouring or by one thing or another the poor Wench grew sick a mornings and you might see her red Stockings half way up her legs which made her ask leave to go home to her Friends and being granted was conveyed to London at the charge of the Eldest Brother only for he stood on his reputation as heir of the Family and in hopes of preferment courted secrefie but George and the rest as they had no more then younger Brothers expectancies so expected no disparagement by a younger Brothers Frolick And from that time 't is strange such a thing should happen in Innocent Country there was not a Maid-servant could stay in that Family above six Moneths what became of them I know not but it is said that a great many Women Folk went from that house to London Well Sir By this time Age gave the old Gentleman an intimation of removing to t'other World so he sent for the Parson whose name was Lionel Drinkwell who made his Will by which his wife was made Executrix and all his Mannors Lands Tenements and Hereditaments was bequeathed to Ezekiel his eldest Son he gave to his second third and fourth Son 100 l per annum a piece during life and to the other three younger Sons he gave 1000 Marks a piece and made the said Parson and one Mr. Getmore a Neighbour Supervisors desiring them in all love to be aiding and assisting to his said Sons with friendly advice and so he died was buried and forgotten After whose death the heir grew House-keeper the old Gentlewoman doing all the Offices of a Wife excepting what Tydy used to do The Brothers also paying for their Boards continued their former Courses went to Bed early slept quietly by the help of Idaea's had glorious dreams rose before the Sun sported on the beautiful Foot-cloths of Nature and twenty things more besides wasting their Portions Soon after it happened one Thomas Lender of London a Pawn-Broker died of the Plague intestate leaving a Widow of about 35 years of Age after whose death she caused her husbands Goods to be Inventoried and Appraised in which Inventory was mentioned in Bonds 5000 l. in the Shop in Jewels Plate Watches Books and other
Remarks upon Remarques OR A VINDICATION OF THE CONVERSATIONS OF THE TOWN In another LETTER directed to the same Sir T. L. Quare fremuerunt Gentes LONDON Printed by A.C. for William Hensman at the Kings Head in Westminster Hall 1673. To the most vertuos Lady Madam R. C. Who requested this Vindication MADAM I Need not vindicate the Town to you You being here that Office better do The Vertues you possess and All Adore Expiate for the Vice of Town and more I 'd set your Picture on my Book but then It would fore stall the Market of my Pen And none would read or some perhaps would swear Town needs no vindication while she 's there But since some know you not and some forget I le let them know I 've done the Task you set To the Well-bred GENTLEMEN of the TOWN GENTLEMEN I Lately met with a Linsey-woolsey Letter as like what the Common-Lawyers call a Libel as ever it could look I read it over and found a discontented somebody who seems to know nothing of the Town but what is not worth knowing labouring to Travest London into extream deformities by laying the blemishes of some rude Acquaintance of his upon the whole Town like the Country-man who having found some Tares in his Dish swore there was no Wheat in his Frumity Then to shew himself a VVriter to humour some prejudiced Party or for some other ends with open-mouth proclaims to the World that our Age our Nation and its great Metropolis are wholly for his Notions are general degenerate vitious and debauched I thought it a bold Enterprise and pregnant with dangerous Consequences As first It discourages and disswades all Country Gentlemen from educating their Sons in the ways of Arts Arms and Trade It prophanes the most Learned and Glorious City in the Christian World And which is worst of all by defaming that it impeaches the Government thereof and offers violence to the Conduct of our Governours who have always thought fit to make this renowned City the Center of distributive Justice and the seat of the Imperial Diadem On this last score I confess it seemed to my sense to smell hot of a Design against which I have alway had a just indignation and that is by oblique means to possess the heads of the Ignorant unstable Populace with a contempt of Magistracy and personal defects of Governours such Arts have been Comets portending future Evils fore-runners of Rebellion It was well said by the Lord Digby in Parliament in 1640. It is easie to make People believe what they are willing to believe though the Arguments are little inducing that are used to engage that belief As when the Petition in that Year was drawn up and presented to the Commons against Bishops the inconveniences therein supposed were most personal the other ridiculous As because Ovids De Arte Amandi was Translated into English c. Gentlemen though I was moved to what I have done by Arguments of another Nature yet these considerations prompted me to comply with the other desires And since I have done this I send it to you as an Essay only who being equally concerned with me in the Cause will I hope supply on occasion what is omitted and correct what is amiss which will oblige Gentlemen Your affectionate Friend and Townsman To the READER I Intend no reflections on any Country Gentlemen but those of meer Country built void of Education I intend no vindication but of the Sober and Vertuous in the Town SIR I Lately saw a Letter said to be written to you grown into a Book and called Remarques on the Humours and Conversations of the Town I liked the Name and expected much from it But when I found that its business was to perswade you to a meer Country life and to disswade you wholy from London I wondred what a Gods name was in the mans mind and when further I saw his Arguments perswasive to be only some minute Considerations of Country Pastimes and Fools-Bables and the diswasive Arguments some rudenesses and extravagancies in London I wondred more especially while he wishes you to Arrive at the glory of your Ancestors to stick fresh Lawrels in their Garlands to become a Hero and disâ—wades you from the Regular Method of accomplishing the design Sir since he took upon him to be a Tutor to you and advise you to become a Hero he should have let you know the ways to be such to have read you Lectures thereupon to have insinuated the advantages of vertuous Courses the inconveniences of the ills which his long Experience has prompted him to remarque upon to have informed you that in the University of Education London there are of both sorts of the better sort the better part and against the worser to have framed his Cautions to avoid intimacy converse and indeed acquaintance with them But in stead thereof he point-blank tells you you must not go to London And why so Truly Sir he uses you like a child and would scare you from London with the Buggers of the Country and by Country Logick there are naughty People in London therefore you must not come there There is in London Bridewel Newgate Bethlehem Ergo all the People in London are Whores Thieves or Mad. Sir Since the man was furnished with anger enough and some words why did he not take his rise at the Universities to argue you into a Hero And instancing in Cambridge for example he might have held forth and said O dear Sir Remember the Glories that attend the Ghosts of your renowned Ancestors the Excellencies of an Indulgent Mother exceeding the Presidents of any Age who desires you should arrive at heroick atchievements to serve your King and Country and become a Hero Do not go to Cambridgé Sir there are Alehouses in which you will be drunk and there are in those houses notable prinking Wenches that will captivate you into Marriage or somewhat like it There are Tennis-Courts and Bowling-Greens that will heat you to an excess and then you will drink cold small Beer and die There is a River too in which you will be drowned and you will study your self into a Consumption or break your Brain and will you go to such a place Next Sir for London do not go thither and then tell the Book c. And as for Travel Sir never think on 't for there is a great Sea to go over there is in it a great beastly Fish called a Whale which they say turn over Ships and drown the Folks therein there are also Rocks and Shelves and Sands which will Shipwrack you and remember Sir a great Hurricane got away the Lord Willoughby And lastly as to this point there are strange People beyond Seas not only the hateful French whom we over-ape but Black People who look like Devils and will fright you out of your Wits and Wild People too who will tear you in pieces limb from limb and another sort of People called Cannibals
Goods 5000 l. in toto 10000 l. she being afrighted at the Disease which had taken away her Husband removed into Country for a time and happened into this Mr. Richman's Town and growing acquainted with this Family by discourse was discovered that her late Husbands Mother was of the Family of the Scrapes and so a kind of affinity was started between her and them and improved so far as she was desired to reside during her stay in the Country at that House where she had not long been ere the Widow imparted the value of her Estate which took presently with the old Woman who could not rest till she had engaged a Treaty between her and her Son Ezekiel for a Marriage and though the Widow had nothing to commend her to his acceptance but her wealth yet that Argument improved by an indulgent Mothers descants prevailed for a Match which was soon dispatched and the joy that the hopes of this round sum of mony brought occasioned open House-keeping for a moneth and publick Entertainment for all comers which cost at least 1000 l. soon after which Jollities ended the Bride and Bridegroom went to London with purpose to remove the Treasure into the Country but when they came there consulting some wiser than the former Apprisers it was found that the Jewels Plate and other Goods were indeed of the value of 5000 l. but they were pawned but for 1500 l. and the sums mentioned in the Bonds were indeed of the value but by the conditions of those Bonds it appeared that the Bonds were given only for further security for the same Moneys lent on the Goods so she was worth in truth but 1500 l. whereof 1000 l. was spent on the Weddingsolemnities This angered good Ezekiel to the heart and his old Mother too who cursed London Widows and advised the younger Sons to stay in the Country still lest they also should be cheated not considering this Trick was in the Country and lay at their own door through want of Wit and Consideration which the Wit of the Town would have obviated The new married man wanting the Whetstones of his Love Beauty and Money neglected his Wife even to hatred returned to the ways his Brother George had taught him and followed that course till he and his Brothers had almost emptied the Country of Maids His Wife not being in his debt received as good Visits as he made and between them both the Government of the House seemed dissolved a mixt concourse of Visitants constantly filling the Beds emptying the Bottles for they were used also to drive away discontent the Buttery and Treasury so that the name of Rich-man began to seem improper for person and place The younger Sons following the way of their Education notwithstanding grave Supervisors advice became so clear-sighted as to see to the furthest end of their Portions without the help of a Teloscope the Annuities being deeply dipped to Mr. Getmore one of the Supervisors by the procurement of his Partner the trusty Parson on whom and at whose House much of the money was spent and the Portions of money in like manner was three parts spent Whereupon they considered that they were of good extraction having pure and uncommon bloud leaping in their veins that they had been educated in the way of Country Hero's that universal expectation claimed from them things generous and heroick and how to carry on noble Enterprises and to arrive at great and honourable ends with a remnant of Estate in the Desarts of the World for so they now call the Country by the trifling vanities of sports so now they called the Country divertisements must be thought on and without much ado labour or study it was concluded and so soon as one would think it was dictate of Nature to London they must go and try their fortunes and to London they went and not having fortune enough or good enough to purchase the friendship of Court nor Learning enough to join with the Societies of Learning nor money enough left to fall into Commerce nor courage enough to take up Arms they furnish themselves with Peruches and Pantaloons and find out the Wastcoateers formerly sent from the Country for the better shaping of their Bodies who had improved themselves by this time into the exactness of some eminent Vices especially of that which they brought from the Mannor of Richman and now were become able to instruct their Country Gallants and to bring them acquainted with others such as your grave Adviser Sir has by long experience known and has elaborately told you of and so we leave them together and there is an end of the Story Sir As soon as this Story was told me I was thinking that if it were duly considered in all its branches and well weighed it would be an answer to your Advisers Letter without more ado but it coming but now to my hands I here insert it Sir As for a Story where the Sons of Country Gentlemen have by good and proper Education become true Hero's Patriots of their Country and possessing eminent ranks of Authority and Dignity I take it needless referring you to Beloved History either in City or Country from which may be collected Volumes of such Hero's exceeding Fox's Book of Martyrs and truer too And though the obliquities of the late Times have discouraged Learning to a great degree and laid shackles on Gentlemens Parts and Estates yet since our Soveraigns return it 's obvious that greater improvements have been made by the Scyons of Nobility and Gentry in all Arts in 12 Years than in an hundred before But Sir to the Letter again and let us see more of the Town faults and a great one rises next and that is a Language divers from the times of our Ancestors is in London used Language said he Marry till now I took London to speak the best Language of all England and England to speak the best Language except the universal one but I am told otherwise now this Age this Nation is corrupt in its Language A bold charge is it on the wisest Age and wisest Nation and where is the fault in using French words vile French even vile French words unworthy of the manly Language of English to use French words Sure this Man Sir has been stung with a Bee and now loves no Honey He has perhaps suffered under some distemper called French and so will starve rather than eat Fricacie or Ragoo But a serious word Sir Our Language of England is that of those Germans called Saxons who possessed themselves thereof next preceding the Normans and that Language was mostly Monosyllables of which Radixes have since been made Compounds and though it has been thought that from such various Roots might arise Compound-words answerable and so no need of what is Foreign yet in that Age and that People Knowledge was stinted and few words would express few things and so no need was there of enlarging the Lingua or opportunity for