of peace and Quietness for Decency Profit and such prudential Considerations lest it should obstruct the rolling forward of the other Two and twenty Globes yet behind in the Frontispiece and spoil the Sale of this and what comes after thereby cheating the World of a most inestimable Treasure now just ready to pop into their Libraries I say for such like Causes as these rather than any Necessity in the nature of the thing Evander Kainophilus and the Author laying their Heads together have resolved to give a sound and formal Answer that all the little snarful Criticks may for ever after hold their peace or have their Dogs Teeth broke out by the dint of ponderous Argument The main Objection then against this First Book last past as well as the whole Design is thus proposed by some wise ones namely That they don't know what to make on 't They can neither find beginning nor ending head nor tail nor can't for their Lives tell what the Author wou'd be at what he drives at or intends in part or whole What use what profit what account it turns to what 't is good for how it answers the Name how to reconcile Book and Title and make 'em kin to one another A Pocket-Library a Trap-stick 't is why ' tis'n't so much as a Catalogue and my Pocket is already sufficiently furnish't quoth one Spark with a Manuscript-Library of my own or Mistresses or Letters from Kainophil eternally to supply some certain Uses which only this new Library is like to be employed in However Paper is'n't yet so dear a Man must give Eighteen pence for a Weeks wiping Out you filthy Fellow you offend the nice Evander and deserve to remain as long imprison'd in the nasty place you prate of as the Iew who wou'd not come out on his own Sabbath But we shall have them anon and my Author has a Pen will firk ye if he setteth about it A Voyage round the World this quoth another Umph but what Page shall we find it in The Author has quite forgot it shatter'd the business out of his thin Skull and as the Panegyrist before him bin graciously pleas'd to ramble to somewhat else Here 's indeed a parcel of odd nonsensical Tales of Graffham and Dungrove and a Country Bumkin coming to London and flying in the Air and I know not what but what 's all this all this while to a Voyage about the World Why this is ten times worse than a Battel in Stylo recitativo The Man writes Short-hand quoth another witty Rogue and abbreviates Books into Pages them into Sentences and them into Words and between his Doggrel-Philosophy Prose and Poetry has shovel'd up such a Hodg-potch of stuff here as wou'd make a Hermit tear his Beard to hear it Very well when ye are out of breath 't is hop'd a Man may get room to speak for himself The first grave Complaint against this useful profitable ingenious admirable Book with modesty be it spoken is That People don't know what to make on 't And what if they don't Evander supposes 't would puzzle a good Logician to Analogyze all the famous History of the renowned Knight of the Mancha especially now P s has made nonscence on 't by shifting the Scene one Page in Spain and the next in England Perhaps I had never any mind you should know that I mean nor what to make on 't there lies all the Jest sometimes and why might not I intend my Book after the Tune of I lent my Mony to my Friend Or Riddle me Riddle me If Evander had obliged the World with the Second Edition of the Horn-book a Primmer in Folio or a new Protestant Tutor in Twenty four Volumes then 't had been enough to let the World have known what to make on 't Who knows not that those things are most admired which are least understood Unless the Infallible Church her self be foully out Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion nay it may be as much policy for me to have my Book unintelligible as for them to have their Prayers and all the rest of their Religion Not that I 'm a Papist for all that No I abominate both Flogging and Fasting as against the Light of Nature and as bad as Transubstantiation one of 'em as great an enemy to my Back as 'tother to my Belly but for Illustration or so now and then 't is lawful to pick a Flower if one can find it from e're a Dunghil in Christendom This supposing they could not understand it as another great Person said in a like case some years past I am't bound to find Sence both for my Book and my Readers 'T would be enough if I my self understood it whether others do so or no. And that I do I am my self the properest Judge But that the World mayn't think me morose or envious and to evidence the goodness of my Nature by its being so communicative I 'll e'ne for once make others as happy as my self Kainophilus will tweak the World 's great Nose open its Basin-Eyes lug its stubborn Ears and lead it into the most intimate meaning of all those precious things laid up in the sacred Archieves of those his admirable Works past present and to come He undertakes so clearly to demonstrate the pleasure profit and excellent advantage of the Premisses as to perswade any thing but an Vsurer to purchase 'em and lay 'em under the Pillow every night as Alexander did Homer He 'll prove as much beyond contradiction That 't is a true actual Voyage round the World ev'ry Word and Paragraph therein as Authentick as the renowned Mandevil and as Moral as the famous History of Reynard the Fox or the last Edition of the same Book disguised under the Title of the Hind and Panther And that in all these Heads the Design is carried on constantly the Method not confused though somewhat Cryptical and requiring a little study to crack the Shell and get out the Kernel The Frontispiece the Explanation the Title-page and Introduction make all this appear without any trouble of telling it The intent of the whole as therein appears being to give a Iournal of Life and a Description of the wide World and some Memoirs relating to the Actions of one particular Person from his Cradle to his Grave into which all the rest is most subtilly woven But who that Person is let none be so hasty to affirm Those who dare be so presumptuous we shall meet with 'em in the next Chapter and perhaps more severely in other places if they don't mend their Manners and mind their own Business Now this single Life whose soever 't is is Hieroglyphically delineated in the Twenty four Globes of the Frontispiece none but his own actual Rambles having the honour to be insculpt thereon wherein you see he is carried through all the Scenes of Life from his coming bare-b ' d into the World to his going in like manner out on 't which you
it And what do me I but precisely follow so good and laudable Authority and Example taking my rise at Graffam in order to this Hop-stride-and-Iump round the World This Description of all the World I begin early and intend to prosecute farther than ever any did before me I Begin my Rambles at nothing which I soon make something of and by that time I have done poor Vander will be nothing agen And yet that nothing something too for I 'm no Atheist but yet such a something as is between something and nothing What if I observe some minute passages in the prosecution of my Rambles the more exact still and perfect will the Iournal be and why mayn't I make as great a splutter with my Dialogue with Owls and Cuckoes as grave Authors do of Apollonius's Confabulation with the Sparrows and Oxen since I dare venture one of these Books to a Brass-Farthing one is as true as another Then for the gravity of some passages I wou'd make the same Excuse Osborn does and Cabbage his very words 't is n't the first time perhaps nor wou'd either he or you be ever the wiser in a case of like nature but not having the Book by me at present you must be content with the Quintessence on 't Some People quoth he may very gravely blame me for inserting some such slight Circumstances as these in my History I think that he then mention'd was the colour of Queen Ann's Hair Ay but let 'em consider He goes on so far till he 's out of sight and were Kainophilus to be made a Viscount he can't remember what 's next But will tell you what 's more to the purpose as he was saying before this Work is a fair and lawful Description of A Ramble round the World 'T is true here 's yet but a small part on 't describ'd nor I 'll assure ye have ye any more yet than a small part of this Ramble and yet that small one great enough too if consider'd in it self though but little in regard of the whole World nay all the Universe which as appears from the Frontispiece and Verses before the First Book he threatens to ramble all round every nook and crook on 't before he has done with 't Once more Mr. Kainophilus How comes this to be a Voyage round the World when we never yet met ye so much as in a Sculler crossing the Water You have bin indeed as ye told us before sailing and rowing and tugging by Land when ye â—ot a Horse-back where ye make tempestuous work on 't and your Vessel Reels tâ—rribly But all this is nothing to Sea-service and we never heard of a Voyage by Land since we were Christen'd till ye were pleas'd to bring the word into the World How Evander not understand true English who has been an Author these three and twenty years and cou'd almost read his Criss cross-row in his Mother's Belly Who has so many English Dictionaries in his Study and another in his Head bigger than all together and yet there 's still room to spare both for Brains and Projects Does not he nay now you ruffle his smooth Soul alter his fair Body and discompose him all over If ye go on at this rate with making Objections a Man does not know how to answer for their number I mean not their weight ye shall e'ne write your self and let the World laugh at ye for Evander will be your Fool no longer But not to over-rule this Plea we 'll for once joyn issue and giv 't a fair Answer This Voyage round the World was made in the Ship of Fancy which every one knows like the Cossaks Boats sails as well by Land as Water And now I hope you are satisfied One Objection more I ingeniously raise my self not to put others to the trouble I have pretty frequently mention'd the Famous Bunyan in the past and may perhaps in this present and future Rambles but can assure the World notwithstanding a flurt of Fancy now and then intended it with all the Reverence he deserves But if o't'other side any malicious Person should be displeased with me for quoting such a Tinker of an Author let 'em know I have a topping Example for the same which to vindicate both my self and him shall be here inserted and therewith I intend to close this Chapter See New Observator Vol. 2. Numb 27. ADVERTISEMENT MR. John Bunyan Author of the Pilgrims Progress and many other excellent Bookâ— that have found great acceptance hath left behinâ— him ten Manuscripts prepared by himself for thâ— Press before his Death His Widow is desired to Print them with some other of his Works which have been already printed but are 〈◊〉 present not to be had which will make together a Book of Ten Shillings in Sheets in Folio 〈◊〉 Persons who desire so great and good a Worâ— should be performed with speed are desired to send 〈◊〉 Five Shillings for their first Payment to the Undertaker who is impowred to give Receipts for the same CHAP. II. A word of Reproof to all such as pretend they know the Author of these Rambles SO great a Glory do I esteem it to be the Author of these Works that I cannot without great injury to my self and Justice endure that any shou'd own 'em who have nothing to do with 'em like the Fellow at Rome who pretended to Virgil's Verses But I need take no other way to confute these Plagiaries than Virgil himself did requiring the Tally to his Vos non vobis Let any Man write on at the rate this is already written and I 'll grant he is the Author of this Book that before and all the rest to the end of the Chapter No there is such a sort of a whim in the style something so like my self so Incomprehensible not because 't is Non-sense that whoever throws but half an Eye on that and me together will swear 't was spit out of the moth of Kainophilus This by the bye But 't is not the main business of this Chapter to assert what few will be so impudent to deny and what I could give Demonstration of by letting 'em see me write these very words which they read here and subscribing under it Yours Yours Yours in ten thousand Obligations of Love and Service Kainophilus Vander. The main work in hand is what the Contents explains in Short-hand To rebuke those at least over-bold Persons who pretend to know who this Kainophilus is and that better than I my self do which seems a very hard case in my simple Judgment Comes ye one grave and good Man to me I beg your Pardon 't was but a slip to a Friend of mine and thus accosts him Are n't you asham'd Mr. thus to expose your self and your Friends to all the World Why have you no sense of Honour in ye to write such a confounded silly Book as this of your self ay of your self there 's the Jest on 't I protest I 've
as a Rose the rest of the Flowers in the Garden These are of a North-Country race much about the Tweed mouth and 't is thought sometimes ramble even to the Firth of Dunbritton or the Isles of Mull and the Orcades Look but how lofty and stately they bear themselves you'd think 'em all Leviathans and there 's no coming near 'em unless you 'd slip into their Gills Venus orta Mari is a good old Observation For some of these same Fish are very waggish prolifick but there 's room enough in the wide Sea to turn out as much Spawn as Nature has given ' em But Scotland being a barren Country others are rather for the Shannon or Boine or not yet content ramble further all the four Seas nay all the World over and observe the Rises and Falls of the Dutch German Italian and all the great Rivers in the World They 'll swim with or against Tide live in any Stream Pool Lake Pond or River and so slippery withal that no Hook can catch 'em no Hand detain 'em no Spear strike 'em no Wear hold e'm Nor will they ever be quiet and leave plaguing all the little fry in this watry World till they tumble down through some Vortex or other into the grand Abyss There 's Sauce enough for one Fish or else 't is very hard I cou'd return again to Booksellers and give ye Epithets and Characters suitable for 'em all and take in the Auctioneers too into the bargain I could begin with Mr. M who commenced and continued Auctions upon the Authority of Herodatus who commends that way of Sale for the disposal of the most exquisite and finest Beauties to their Amoroso's and further informs the World that the summ so raised was laid out for the Portions of those to whom Nature had been less kind that he 'll never be forgot while his Name is N or he a Man of remarkable Elocution Wit Sence and Modesty Characters so eminently his that he 'd be known by them among a thousand 'T would be tedious and unconscionable to go thorough all Cheapside Paul's Church-yard Little-Britain and Duck-lane to describe every Man Woman and Sucking-Child Stationer Bookseller Binder Stitcher and Hawker This is general may suffice for an impartial Character of that honourable and honest Employment as fas as my own Observations give me That they are generally Men that make a Conscience Just and Kind to one another endeavouring with all their power to promote each the Interest and Copies of his Neighbour and above all Civil and Generous to their particular Authors of which more in the next Chapter If there 's any Person who takes it amiss that he 's not so honour'd as to find his Name mention'd in this Chapter he need do no more than speak his mind freely of this Book and then he shall certainly see himself inserted in the next Ramble For these present Characters both of the Booksellers and Authors have been both read and approved by a Club of 'em and are as much applicable to one as another But if any by winceing shall prove himself guilty I resolve to run Kingdoms or Reams of Paper out of breath in the Satyrizing such a Fop that did not know when he was well and upon The Word of a Bookseller and that you 'll say is a proud Expression will meet with him in every Ramble to the end of the Twenty four Globes For as Oldham says I wear my Pen as others do their Sword To each affronting Sot I meet the word Is Satisfaction straight to Thrusts I go And pointed Satyr runs him through through CHAP. VIII Of Love and all That TOwards the end of the last Chapter I hung out a red Flag of Defyance and told the Corporation of Authors they were best make ready for I intended to fire a whole Broadside among 'em and they were to expect a sharp Engagement But 't is not the first time things have been in this posture and yet no harm done accordingly having great Examples before me I 'm resolv'd at present to retreat from the Enemies but yet with a resolution to swinge 'em off the next time I get among ' em In the mean time must dispatch a little necessary business in my own memorable Life and therein recommend to others as I have all along done what I my self found both practicable and easie I don't intend to run thro all Oeconomics to find the whole Duty of a Servant my main Work is to describe some of the main Pillars and Rafters on which he must lay both his present Happiness and future Fortunes most of which have been already discours'd of tho one or two more remains which ought not to be forgotten And the first of 'em is Veracity Dare to be true has Sense as well as Wit 〈◊〉 Poetry in 't I am confident 't is Cowardice is the â—arent of most vices men dare not be singular or â—irtuous that is in effect are afraid both of themselves and others lest they shou'd be faâ—igued and laught at But as this holds in most â—ther Cases so particularly in this in reference â—o a Master I have done some fault or other which I dare not own and the next Reâ—uge is 〈◊〉 Lye to get rid on 't where to be sure the Reâ—â—dy is worse than the Disease And this the Truth is some ill-natur'd Masters almost force their Servants into by being so implacable and â—nmerciful so furious and more like distracted 〈◊〉 than that grave sober thing a Citizen that their Servants think it better to run into the Devils Paws than theirs My Advice in this case is if you light into the Hands of such a Master as Evander's after â—â—y Fault deal ingeniously with him and frankâ—y acknowledge it with modest assurances of your â—tmost care to prevent the like for the future this won't fail to work upon any thing that has â—ut a spark of Goodness or Generosity in their Composition But if they are of the Rank above-mention'd there 's yet no wild Beast so fierce but there 's some way or other to deal with ' em Do in this Case as if you met a mad Bull in the Fields clap your self behind a Tree and by that time he turns his long heavy Carkase you are either out of danger or got further off from him The meaning is slip out of the way and avoid the first Onset which is always the most furious Or still there 's another slipping aside even tho' in his presence No doubt it may be lawful in some cases to deceive tho 't is not to â—ye Straâ—tagems in War are Instances of one withoâ—â— the other and that too without any mental Reâ—servation 'T is meer Cowardice to excuse youâ— self by a Lye and meer dulness not to be ablâ— to do it without one Those who are so thick headed they can't find the mean have this comâ—fort that Nature has generally made 'em betteâ— able to bear a
and Death Savage's Life and Death Short`s Life and Death Stern's Life and Death To which is added a Sermon preach`d in the Hearing of a Condemn'd Malefactor immediately before his 〈◊〉 by 〈◊〉 Price â—ound 1 s. 4. The Vanity and Impiety of Judicial Astrology whereby men undertake to Foâ—etell future Contingencâ—es especially the particular Fates of Mankind by the Knowledge of the Stars By Francis Crow M. A. All Four Sold at the Raven in the Poultrey TO His Honoured Friend IOHN KING Esq my late Fellow-Traveller through part of America Germany Holland and other Countries and now going again to Ramble GReat Travel saith the Holy Text is ordained for the Sons of Adam and none of his Posterity has been found without his share since our Life is but a Pilgrimage and all of us in a way-faring condition on this side Eternity No sooner do we leave the little Closers where we were framed than we begin our Ramble to those more spacious Chambers in the bowels of the Earth Every breath we draw is a step towards it and whilst you are reading this you pass one of the Stages on the Road. And therefore most dear Sir I do not at all discommend your present design that is laid upon so just and ancient Foundations but seeing you are going agen to launch your self into an Ocean in which lye many Rocks whereon some for want of skill or inadvertency have suffer'd Shipwrack it will not be amiss to take a Map along with you wherein you may discover those Gulfs on which many before you have bin ruin'd and so avoid those Misfortunes which their Destruction has render'd more signal By Travel a Man may be said to reduce into Practice that which before he only had the Theory of without being deluded by the often erroneous Assertions of others and how fatal unto Truth the dependance upon the Tradition and Authority of Men has been Truth it self can best discover Not that by this I would seem to impose a necessity of Travelling upon all Mankind for I know all are not equally qualified for it nor is it absolutely necessary to our well-being But seeing Novelty is a thing so agreeable to our nature besides the delight which the mighty Variety will afford you you will be thereby rendred more amiable unto all your Acquaintance when it shall please God to return you unto them again Every body will find something in you that will be pleasing to himself one will be ravisht with the Spices of Arabia and another with the gaudy Plumes of the Indians whilst you your self shall be able to make more advantagious Collections out of the great Book of Nature and observe how the Image of the Creator as in several sorts of shapes is represented in every Nation as well as in every Man The Gluttony of the Dutch and the Drunkenness of the German the morose 〈◊〉 of the Spaniard and the fantastical Airiness of the French the revengeful Subtilty of the Italian and the stable Fidelity of the English will be no unpleasing Diversion when in the enjoyment of the latter you may recollect the dangers and inconveniences of the others The Barbarity of the Heathen will make you bless the Fate which has placed you in another Society and some good Men which you may find among them for Pearls are ofâ—en in the Sands will make you admire the Excellency of Morality and perhaps laugh at the idle Oâ—tentations of those who after all ther pretences to more direct Rules take more oblique Courses These will be the noblest Objects of your regard And thus you may give a better Account of your time than that unfortunate Traveller who being demanded by some Friends What kind of place Venice was made answer That haste and approaching night made him gallop through it without taking any notice of it and too many may be found of that humour who to conceal their Ignorance often 〈◊〉 it with worse Circumstances as is said of the Woman who with her Cloaths to save the misfortune which from a window fell on her head exposed those other parts which Decency and Nature obliged her to concâ—al I will no longer trouble you with the Advantages of Travel because you cannot be without a prospect of them by which you are chiefly induced to undertake it And I question not but those which you will make will give you a view of more to be acquired of which when you are Master they will represent others unto you and so by a long Concatenation of what at once doth profit and delight â—â—ad you to such things as in their fruition will make you capable of greater Atchievements Perhaps the following Observations will not be altogether unwornhy your perusal and a place in your Palmers-scrip They have been the Reflections of my Retirements when in them as from some distant height I took a little View of the World and if you shall find them either profitable or delightful my endeavours can receive no greater Compeâ—sation than to arrive at so desirable a Goal And I hope you 'll find 'em both seeing Man is naturally an Inquisitive Creature continually hankering after Novelties and though for the most part a meer Stranger at home regardless of the Geography of his own Breast as I shall shew in a Treatise entituled A Map of Man Or â—Vander in Minature which will contain my Rambles round the Little World the worst and most deplorable Ignorance would yet seem acquainted with all the World beside How solicitous are we about the Affairs of Germany How curious to understand the Rarities of Egypt the Situation of Jerusalem the Magnificence of Versailles and uncertain Tales of Prester John Nay so far is this Itch of Curiosity indulg'd 〈…〉 a little but I am continually stopt by one or other to know what News from New-England Holland Flanders and those other Countries I have seen and what Rarities I have found there Where e're I come I am lookt upon as one arose from the dead having been two Years absent from my Native Countrey and recâ—â—ved with as many Querâ—es of what I have both seen and heard as would possibly be put to such an one First Daphne takes me and holds me fast by the Fist half an hour to know what fashion'd Top-Knots the Dutch Froes wear and will 〈◊〉 be torturing some News out of me from the East-Indies for she hearing I have crost the Seas concludes do you judge how rationally that I have been there But I am no sooner eased of her but Mutius catches me by the Golls demanding of me whether Boston be a great Town or a little one How John V r does How Books sell there And whether Ben. H s be yer living Or John H arrived when I left the place His mouth being stopt a third examins me boldly what News from Cullen Where the Emperor's Army is How the Duke of Lorrain died Of what Form is the Grand Visier's Tent How fares it with the Pope
loves his old contemporary Trees The very House that did him erst behold A little Infant sees him now grown Old And with his Staff walks where he crawl'd before Counts the age of one poor Cottage and no more Thus Health and Strength he t' a third Age enjoys And sees a long Posterity of Boys About the spatious World let others roam The Voyage Life is longest made at home I can easily believe that Dioclesian after his retreat from the Empire took more content in exercising the Trade of a Gardiner in Salona than in being Emperor of Rome for when Maximianus Herculeus writ to him to resume the Empire which he had with much felicity govern'd for twenty years he returned this Answer That if he would come unto Salona and observe the rare Productions of Nature and see how the Coleworts which he had planted with his own hands did thrive and prosper he would never trouble his Head with Crowns nor his Hands with Scepters This made Scipio after he had raised Rome to be the Metropolis of almost the whole World by a voluntary Exile to retire himself from it and at a private House in the middle of a Wood near Linternum to pass the remainder of his glorious Life no less gloriously There is no Safety no Security no Comfort no Content in Greatness This made a Great Man say Requiem quaesivi non inveni nisi in Angulo cum Libello I have sought for rest and quiet but could not find it but in a little corner with a Book Vive tibi lonâ—e noâ—â—na magna fuge O the Sweetness and Pleasure of those blessed Hours that I spend apart from the Noise and Business of the World How calm how gentle not so much as a Cloud or breath of Wind to disturb the Serenity of my Mind The World to me is a Prison and Solitude a Paradise Give me then with Sir Edward Cook a retired Life a peaceful Conscience honest Thoughts and vertuous Actions and I can pity Caesar. But whither do I ramble again 'T is time now to return to Philaret Come Philaret let 's be jogging for if we stay thus long in a place we shall never get Round the World Then farewel Buckingham till we meet again After an hours travel in Dust and Sun Philaret and I fancied we saw a little Cottage and indeed all the following Rambles are little more than a History of what might be Yet whatsoe're of Fiction I bring in 'T is so like Truth it seems at least a Kin. This little Cottage as we found at our arrival thither was inhabited only by those peaceful Animals called Hogs And now the liquid Silver gushing from the Welkin we here begg'd for shelter And a great deal of Complements we had about the introducing us into their Inchanted Castle which will run much better in Pindarick-Doggerel than plain Verse Kainophilus By your leave Mr. Hog If one may be so bold to presume For your Betters make room Hog You unmannerly Dog To wheedle one out of ones place When the Wind and the Rain drive so fast in ones face Kainoph In vain all the Herd to your succor you call For in spight of the Proverb the strongest now goes to the wall Hog to his Herd Come then my dearest dirty Loves My choice Seraglio large as Ioves Let 's away to Chesnut Groves And there secure our Droves And ramble and gruntle and ramble agen 'Till Heav'n take pity and dry up the Rain Philaret and I being indifferently refresht by vertue of this shelter we went forward very couragiously and after a little time we saluted a good handsome Town called Ailesbury This Ailesbury is a fair Market Town compassed about with many most pleasant green Meadows and Pastures of which the whole Vale is termed the Vale of Ailesbury How many Alehouses there were in this Town Philaret and I had not time to number only we saw the signs of some horned Beasts as the Bull the Ram c. But what the People are that dwelt therein we know not but guess you may have good Liquor there for your mony As for the Cage and Stocks there let those that have been in them give you a description of them During our stay in Ailesbury was solemnized a Westminster-Wedding as the Learned have it a Couple so fit for one another and no body else that Bridewel in conjunction with Newgate could not have afforded so suitable a match they were pleased honourably attended with a Regiment of Broom-men Kitchinstuff Merchants and Pickpockets c. to repair to Ailesbury Church where having tyed the unslipping knot in their return home-wards the wind began to rise between Mr. Bridegroom and Mrs. Bride which in short time increased to so dreadful a storm that their Vessels fell foul on each other Mr Bridegroom in this extremity took his dearest Spouse into his Arms with such a passionate Embrace that she almost resign'd her last breath in those Endearments but having recovered her self from the amorous Trance she in requital gave him a Kiss so close that it fetcht off above half of one of his Ears he still prosecuting his Fondness gave her a back salute with his Foot which she answered by stroaking his lovely Eyes so long with her double Fists till he could hardly see And by these pleasant Love-Toys endeavouring to outvy each other in affectionate Expressions they were so transported in the open fields for above half an hour till the Company fearing a surfeit of delight from such excess of dalliance interrupted their intwined Arms so that Mr. Bridegroom gathering up the ruins of his Peruke and she decently resitting her Tresses and so much as she could find of her Head-geer at a famous fountain hard by repair'd the Beauty of her battered Physiognomy and so both lovingly retired hand in hand to their poor Habitations and are like to live as kindly and as happily as most Couples now adays about Town These were the most Remarkable Passages I could learn concerning Ailesbury though Philaret and I discours'd of divers other Matters but amongst all the Subjects of our Chat we handled none so often and so feelingly as the Bottle and the Glass which were of Momentous Importance to us because we could not for ever enjoy them Strange Infatuation Preposterous Greediness To monopolize that which every Tavern can surfeit us with and be prodigal of that which once elapsed can never be obtained again Nature is bountiful in every thing but Time of that she is a Niggard and gives it us drop by drop Minute by Minute so that we can never possess two Minutes at once nor regain one of them when it is lost And yet we spend our Time by wholesale and in the Lump as if the Retail Care of Hours and Minutes were below us 'T is said that in the Globe there is no certain stated first Miridian from whence to derive Longitude I am sure in the Extent of Time
BY Anonymus In Praise of the ensuing Design IF you 'd know what thing is Wit Open the Book and read in it 〈◊〉 every Line you 'l find it writ â—Tis all but one substantial Jest â—ach part agrees so with the rest â—hat none can say this Line 's the best â—hus in Man the Parts agree 〈◊〉 such a different Unitie 〈◊〉 make up one enâ—â—â—e Diversitie A Voyage Round the World OR A Pocket-Library Divided into several Volumes The First of which contains the Rare Adventures OF DON KAINOPHILUS From his Cradle to his 15 th Year The like DISCOVERIES in such a Method never made by any Rambler before The whole WORK intermixt with ESSAYS HISTORICAL MORAL and DIVINE and all other kinds of Learning Done into English by a Lover of Travels Recommended by the WITS of both Universities All may have If they dare try a glorious Life or Grave Herb. Ch. Por. LONDON Printed for Richard Newcome Price Bound 1 s. 6 d. A Poetical Explanation OF THE FRONTISPIECE AFter his first Rambles which I need not to tell ye And his kicking and sprawling in his own Mothers Belly 1. First mark how the Bantling to all outward appearing When he first came to Life was as dead as a Herring Then he 's born in a Coach for a Cart was not handy Where an old Woman fetcht him agen wi'good Brandy 2. Here with Cock-horse and Boots his Nurse is forth-coming Of his future Atchievements the prosperous Omen The prophetical Shipton presenting the Baby With a Staff that 's his own and a Sword too it may be 3. From the fine Town of Grafham the best in the Shire on 't Thrice famous and glorious if you ever did hear on 't Here he Rambles to London where his Fathers intent is He might ask his Sons leave tho' to chain him a Prentice 4. Here he flys for the same what wou'd come on 't I told him Nor the Man nor the Master together cou'◠〈◊〉 him Here observe the wise Child in his Iuventâ—e Rambles Addressing himself for Bread and Cheese to the Brambles 5. Here finding the Commons were unkind to a Stranger He like Whittington turn'd and took wit in his Anger Where he vamps about Town for Caesar and Strada The Horn-book Morocco Iohn Bunnyan Granada 6. But now for the Ramble of Rambles contriving For he 's out of his Time and he Rambles a Wiveing Nine Lasses run squeaking thô there nothing to fear is Let 'em go where they will now he had caught his dear Iris 7. Here he 's for New-England departing half-dying From his t'other self Iris all sobbing and crying He takes his fair leave nor did sneakingly dodge her With a dear Well-beloved Sirnam'd Mr. Roger. 8. Behold here at Deal how boistrous the Sea is But he comforts the Rower with Caesarem vehis Hold up thy Head Iohn thô with danger surrounded Who e're heard of a King or a Bookseller drounded 9. Here he kecks for 't but O! how the Seamen did it tickle While he all over-flows the Cabin and Biticle Whilst Tritons and Dolphins swum dancingly by 'em Who by his sweet quavering mistook him for Arion 10. Next behold the poor Ship how 't is toss'd in a Blanket Thô afraid more than hurt good Fortune be thanked Where the Author assures ye if his Notes don't deceive him The Seamen were at Prayers have â—e Faith to believe him 11. Here the tother Ship 's lost and a fatal Embargo Is laid by â—ing Neptun on the Bookseller's Cargo Here he 's 〈◊〉 out of 's Wits by a Vessel of Sally O! What had poor Iris done had he gone to th' Serallio 12. Lo here in his Dream he lies sleeping and snoreing Like his Namesake the Tinker that rambled before him Surrounding the World in spite of the Journal As the Sun has two Motions th' annual and diurnal 13. From the Deck now he 's vanisht whom but just now you saw there There he stands on the Globe the self same Mr. Author T'other whispers him Tales you may know for the buying But where there 's such whisp'ring for ever ' ware Lying 14. When long the wide Ocean he had been tumbled and tost on Here he comes to the peaceable Haven of Boston Where his Lice run away and what more you 'd admire is He got clean without help of his housewifely Iris. 15. Here he Rambles to the Wigwams a horse-back d' ye mind him So goodly with the Flower of Boston behind him But his Honesty guards him from amorous Treason And if Iris be jealous I 'm sure she has no Reason 16. His Complements here with a King are exceeding You must know that both of 'em stood much on their breeding Here he kiss'd the fair Queen with a sober affection Each of 'em admiring each others Complexion 17. Here the best of the Parish are treating the Author With so glorious a Dinner 't wou'd make your mouth water Where he handles his Arms as well as the sternest And made 'em to know that his Guts were in earnest 18. Here all his American Rambles compleating Upon Governours-Island a whole Hog he is eating And a lusty Hog 't was thô perhaps 't wou'd not show so To the 13 Hands high of our learn'd Virtuouso 19. Here he walks on the Ice with the Gang to the Sea-side By his side joggs the Boatswain and the Whistle by his side Nor think this dull Ramble does the Frontispiâ—ce cumber For it needs must come in too to make up the number 20. Merry Boston adieu part you must thô 't is pitty But he 's made for mankind and all the World is his City See how on the Shore they hoop and they hollow Not for Ioy that he 's gone but for Grief they can't follow 21. For Rotterdam Hoa if with Wind and with Weather It been't washt away before he get thither Here he Rambles with Firkins and Doublets and Trouses And Kettles and Pots to the tops of the Houses 22. Here to Cullen he comes as at Cullen the Trade is Saluring the Kings and the Princess and Ladys But among the three Kings of the fair one he 's a follower For like will to like quoth the Devil to the Collier 23. Here he brings home a Ship full of Kindness and Kisses Penelope take thine own faithful Vlysses And behold him which the Cream of his hope and desire is Casting Anchor i' th' arms of his beautiful Iris. 24. When the Earth he had view'd and describ'd to a wonder When hee 'd Rambled all over 't here at last he creeps under Lye still where thou art Iohn for the quiet o' th' Nation Nor canst thou speak more without flat Conjuration Panegyrick Verses By the WITS of both Universities A POEM In Praise of Rambling By J. H. Master of Arts Fellow of Exeter-Colledge in Oxford ONe Night when sumes of charming Bottle Had fermentation rais'd in Noddle When various troops of airy Notions Danc'd in my Brain Morisco-motions Iudgment that us'd
for decorum's sake I nominate in the third Person is conscious to himself of nothing thro' these whole 24 Orbs of his Life but a most Milky purity and Babe-like Innocence You that after the vile Customs of the Age behave not your selves as you ought towards the Spouses of your Youth who render not what they ought to have all that Respect Tenderness Complaisance and Kindness Look ye what here is Look and learn see the pattern of Conjugal Affection and the very Warming-pan of Duty and Love Evander the Faithful Evander frying and burning for his well-beloved Iris in the midst of boystrous billows of the surging Waves as high as Tenariffa's cloudy Hill all cover'd with Eternal Snow and Winter and then O catch me gentle Reader or I shall break my Neck as well as thou thy sides if I fall on thee then sowcing down like a voracious Hawk upon his trembling Patridge Tearing Worrying Devouring her for Love but I say no more And then for Discretion to avoid Dangers and all that but t' were endless to run thro' all let it suffice thou hast here little less than an exact pattern of Heroick Virtue in all Circumstances and on all occasions Prentice Master Traveller Courtyer Sailor in a Shop out on 't and in agen Author Bookseller Printer and what not in all Offices and places from Scavenger up to High-Constable and so onwards And if this been't a Treasure let the World show a better As for the pretty little Virtues of Comity and Vrbanity this furnishes you to a miracle for have you a mind to divert either your self or Friend with the most pleasant and agreeable entertainment a Mans Iaws must be made of Iron and fastn'd as close to one another as if 't were done with the Pins of a Shop-window if what 's here enclosed don 't now and then wrench 'em asunder and discover not only the Teeth in his Head but the very grin of his Soul and such an Intellectual Tehe as will force the very Heart to be it self for Joy and the Blood flow out at such an immoderate rate as 't wou'd be almost impossible to hold fast any thing else Tho' o' the other side he 'll meet with passages that tho' they mayn't spoil will yet temper his Mirth and as the Egyptians had and they were cunning old Fellows a Deaths-head in the midst of his Dainties In a Word here is for all Capacities as well as all Sexes and Ages Here 's a help to Discourse the like never known Witty Songs Riddles Posies and Anagrams Here 's o' t'other side Heroic Pindaric and all the High-flyers that can be named Here 's Hieroglyphics and Cabalistical Treasures as Unintelligible as inestimable such unheard of Curiosities as Gaffarell and Paracelsus never dreamt of nor would have don 't tho' sometimes good Wits jump they are so rare and extraordinary tho' they had lived this thousand years I protest Gentlemen I blush like a Bathsheba in this unwelcom Employment and am Villanously put to 't thus to commend the work of my own proper fist and knuckles But 't is for your sakes not my own Modesty is injurious where it makes Merit rest in silent unobserv'd shades and cheats the Publick Who would buy Mackarel if no body cry'd it tho' 't were as sweet as a Nut Could you know all the good things in this Book without my telling it you and so buy it and be happy I 'd dye before I 'd give it all this Commendation tho' not a dram too much upon my Honour One thing more and then we 'll go and drink a dish of Coffee together I would not have you think that all this is but a Story a Whimwham or a what d' ye call ' em 'T is no Tale of a Budget in the Air and a strolling Christian Tinker No the Author values his Reputation more and so he tells you 't is as true real matter of Fact in brief There 's more truth in 't than you think of or are like to know I had forgot one Word stay a little longer and then some may snotter and snuffle at the many Collections they 'll find in these my Labours they 'll call me Owl Iay Cuckoo Magpy and a hundred Beasts of Birds besides for borrowing so many Feathers and gawdy plumes but they might I 'll tell them learn more Civility from an ingenious Person who has prefixed an ingenious Poem to these my Works and styleth me rather a Bee nay a mellifluous Bee or Brother to one who gathers Sweets and Dainties wherever he comes without ever hurting the pretty Pinks or tarnishing the fragrant Roses and how ungrateful were that rustick Boor and foolish withal who would refuse the delicate present this his little industrious Tenant would make him forsooth because he had stoln it from other folks Gardens and not gathered it only out of his own or as the Spider spins his Thred drawn from his own Bowels No the Author thanks ye for that kindness this were the way to write his Guts out before he has Rambled to the end of his four and twenty Globes It has been said of Accomplished Persons that they have Read Men as well as Books and why is there not as great a Commendation belongs to those who have Travell'd Books as well as Men and brought thence the Gold and precious Jeâ—els leaving 'em still as the Bee the Flower to return turn to the Metaphor already used not a jot the worse for wearing For the gay Feathers I have taken they may as well call one of the Indian Princes Atabalipa and Montezuma an Owl Jay or Magpy who borrow Feathers indeed from the Birds to Adorn themselves in their most Royal Robes But alas the Art is all materiam superabat opus 'T is the placing 'em and ordering 'em in such delicate Lights and Shades that only makes 'em so inimitably Beautiful and Lovely even so but I 'll spare the t'other Leg o' the Comparison and let the Reader never trust me more if I desire him to go with me any further than to this next Stile and then wee 'll part for I scorn to use him like a Quaker with his false-bottomed Sermons who Concludes 40 times over but will never have done I say I 've but one little tiney savour to beg and then and that is that he 'd maturely Weigh Swallow Chew the Cud and soundly digest this following first Book before he throw it out agen for should he make too much hast and too greedily read it over as 't is to be fear'd the pleasantness and rarity on 't will tempt him to be Ravenous why then 't will only cause Crudities in the Maw of his Soul and the next Volume coming upon him before he has concocted this and turned it into Life Blood and Nourishment they 'll only one confound another and either nauseate or choak him Not a Syllable more but READER Your ever Devoted Obsequious Obliged Rambling Humble Servant
him whence you may safely conclude he 's 〈◊〉 middle-siz'd Man His Eyes are as black as a Coal which when alive is red when stark dead white with a little dash of yellow in 'em or else grey blew or a lovely Hazle for an impartial Historian must set down all probable Opinions that the Reader may the better know how to Judge His Nose like Majesty for 't is in the middle of his Face but more than that 't is either very high or a little rising if not flat to a Fault His Complexion like the Off-spring of the black King of Aethiopia who had once a Daughter as white as Snow His Mouth of the widest when gaping with big Lips when he swells 'em with blowing his Nose and as red as a Scarlet-thred after he has been eating Mulberries His Teeth are as even as those of a Comb thô sometimes they are broken and as pure Ivory though both may want brushing He speaks somewhat thick when his Mouth is full or he is angry but writes much better when he draws you a Bill upon his Banker He winks very often when he sleeps and stumbles a little in his Walk if you lay your Leg before him He Dresses so remarkably you can't but know him if you had no other part of his Character either in a plain modest genteel suit of Stuff Cloth Serge Ratteen Silk or Velvet or in Red or Blew with a Sword inlaid Silver-handle or Tilâ—â—ry Basket-Hilt long black Wigg and â—ot rarely a short pretty light-colour'd Bob or middle-siz'd with a Spanish lock behind He has a kind of Shuffling in his Gate and yet very Majestick too when he pleases the other only being when one side of the Heel of his Shoo is worn away or Ten-toes have lately suffer'd Dilapidations That which makes him most remarkable is that no Person alive not Iris her self ever saw him without a Goose-quill in his Mouth or between his Fingers unless when it rambles into his Standish and yet more wonderful he has certainly ten Fingers on his left hand when he lays his right a top of it This is his Description his very Impression and so much to the Life that 't is well the Gazett has no business with him for were all these Ear-marks publisht in 't he 'd ne're be able to peep out o' doors but all the whole Street wou'd be in an uproar and cry That 's he This for the Notification of such as are ignorant of his Accomplishments for such as have the Happiness to know him 〈◊〉 this touch suffice HE 's a Citizen of London and all the World Loves Rambling does n't love Fighting loves Iris does n't love Scolding loves his Friend does n't fear nor hate his Enemy loves Fair-dealing had rather be call'd Fool than Knave le ts People laugh while he wins can be secret if trusted is Ow'd more than he Ows and can Pay more than that makes his Word as good as his Bond won't do a foul thing and Bids the World go whistle Here ends Evander's Character Enter his LIFE A VOYAGE Round the WORLD OR A Pocket-Library ROom for a Rambler or else I 'll run over ye that ever was is and will be so My Life is a continued Ramble from my Cradle to my Grave was so before I was born and will be so after I am dead and rotten the History of which I have been sweating at the best part of this seven Years and having now with great Pains and Industry charge and care render'd compleat and ready for the Press I first send out this First Volume by way of Posâ—ilion to slap-dash and spatter all about him if the Criticks come in his way in order to make Elbow-room for all the rest of his little Brethren that are to come after My Name is EVANDER alias KAINOPHILUS aliar Your Humble Servant 'T was just upon my Tongues end if ' thad been out I 'd ha' bit it off Thus you see I am a Rambling Name as well as Thing that all may be of a piece that belongs to me And if ever there was a Rambler since the wandring Iâ—w I am the Man was the Boy the Infant the the the Chicken the tread of a Cock-chicken the Eye of a Needle the Point the nothing at all yet something and still a Rambler as you may find in the Frontispiece Hieroglyphâ—ck Account of all my Life Globe the first Verse 1 2 3 4 5 6. The Text containing the very cream flower heart and marrow of my Rambles my Explanations and Comments whereon shall be the stuffing of this Book and all that are quarrelling who shall first Ramble out after it Thus then that super-ingenious Author After his first Rambles which I need not to tell ye And his kicking and sprawling in his own Mothers Belly First mark how the Bantling to all outward appearing When he first came to Life was us dead 〈◊〉 a Herring Then he 's born in a Coach for a Cart was not handy Where an old Woman fecht him agen wl ' good Brandy CHAP. I. Of my Rambles before I came into my Mothers Belly and while I was there AFter his first Ramble First and not first for even before this I Rambled from the Beginning of the World if not a great deal sooner The Essences of things are eternal as the Learned say and my first Ramble was indeed out of Essence into Existence from a Being in my Causes into actual Being But not to mount the Argument above my Readers Head lest I should crack both that and my own Let it suffice that my Soul for ought I know has been Rambling the best part of this 6000 Years if those are in the right on 't who hold the Praeexistence and that all Souls were made at once However for my Body I can make Affidavit on't that 't has been Rambling so long and so far before my Soul stumbled upon 't that I lose the Track and can go no further All matter is in motion and therefore perpetually chang'd and alter'd now in how many shapes that little handful which makes up my Souls Luggage has been formerly dress'd I 'll promise you I 'll not undertake to tell ye As great a Coward as I am there may have gone I know n't how many perticles of a Lyon into my Composition and as small as my Body is my great Grandfather might be made out of a Whale or an Elephant You remember the Story of the Dog that kill'd the Cat that eat the Rat for I love to Illustrate Philosophical Problems with common Instances for the use of the less knowing part of the World why just so here To prove I may have a piece of a Roaring Lyon rambled into me How can any man alive prove but as long ago as the Holy War some or other of my Ancestors waited on K. Richard into Palestine and was there with him when he killed the Lyon This Gentleman might have a Dog this Dog being hungry
Brandy Yea I say in a Coach for by Mr. Poets leave a Cart was neither Handy nor Seemly I leave that for him if there 's occasion and so there 's bob for bob not but that I honour and love the Gentleman with all my Heart but one good turn requires another hang him that won't be merry with his Friend and such as give Joques must take them So I have Rambled out of the way my self and almost lost Cart and Coach too So ho Coachman stop and take up one of the Company well overtaken now I 'm in agen and away they carryed me as I was saying to the Learned old Woman at the next Parish who claps her Bottle to my little muzzle had I bin alive I could nere ha' forgot how warm t' was with carrying it in her under-pocket very near her painful Haunches but to let that pass it did the feat I came peeping into the World agen as brisk as a little Minew leaps up at a Fly in a Summers Evening and soon fall a tugging at my Nurses brown Breasts as hard as the Counâ—ry fellows do the Bell-ropes on a Holy-day Methinks the sweet smack is hardly yet out of my Lips and I 've a great fancy I cou'd suck still Sure I have seen somewhat extreamly like my greediness at that time O! I have it just just by the Tail upon the Tip of my Tongue between my Teeth here 't is 'T was like a horrid greedy fellow I have somewhere seen eating Custards or plum-porridg I can't possibly tell which he had two Spoons and large ones so on he falls and lays about him like a Dragon nor would so much as look speak or almost breath tiâ—â— finding the Spoons too tedious a way down he throws and at it with both Hands down runs the Custard over his Beard into the Dish and up agen soon after Ay let them laugh that see it but he empties the platter and fills his Belly before you could walk round the Room just so did I and this so often and effectually at my Nurses Fair Sweet Snowey Bosom though as I told you the Snow lookt of a little dunnish Colour as if t 'had bin trod upon that I began to burnish apace and thrive amain and had enough to let out as well as to keep there painting Maps in my Clouts almost every hour of all those Worlds I should afterwards Ramble over Next I Rambled into my Chair with Wheels then into my Leading strings thence into Breeches to the extravagant Joy of my trembling Buttocks for now I thought my Father must say by your leave Son Evander when he came to clench his Instructions at the wrong end And what happened after this you shall know if you will let me take Breath and meet you agen at the next Chapter CHAP. III. Here with Cock-horse and Boots his Nurse is forth-coming Of his future Atchievements the prosperous Omen The prophetical Shipton presenting the Baby With a Staff that 's his own and a Sword too it may be THis Chapter is like to be kin to the Chapter of the Bull and the Vnicorn in Mahomets Alcoran a Ramble from the very Contents which I won't promise ye you shall meet agen after you have once left them at least I can assure ye I find it necessary to expatiate for as the Fellow said in Quixot who blew up a Dog like a Bladder d' ye think 't is nothing to write a Book I might probably have told you the Entertainment my Nurse and I made one another before I left her Tuition in the last Chapter but O! my Mother O! my dearest Muz why did you leave me Why did you go so soon so very soon away Nurses are careless sad careless Creatures and alas the young Evander may get a knock in his Cradle if you dye and leave him to shift for himself Your Death leads me to the House of weeping it spoils all my Pastimes dissipates all my Remains kills all my Maggots persecutes me destroys me makes a Martyr of me and sets my very Brains a Rambling agen as much as my Feet have been But what does all this avail could I get all the Irish Howlers between Carickfergus and t'other side of Dublin to hoot and hollow over her Grave they 'd never bring her to Life agen for she was dead I forgot all this while to tell you that forgive Reader the Extravagance of my Grief which leads my Fancy and that my Memory along with it and then Iudgment we know has such a dependance upon both that in plain English I wish I don't turn a meer Natural I tell you agen she 's Dead what wou'd you have my Mother is Dead and worse can't happen unless Iris dye but alas she was then but an Egg or my Father and he too is since departed Did the Roman Orator with so many Tears bemoan the Death of his Virtuous Dear Mother and shall not I though no Roman make as long an Oration on a Mother full as Dear and full as Virtuous But alas Grief is tedious to any besides those who feel it who take a pleasure even in thus tormenting themselves Not therefore to acquaint the Reader with her Trances Extasies and wondrous Visions in the other World where she took Lodgings for three days and then out of tenderness Rambled back again to see me her Dear Evander The very thought of which does yet well but I 'm a Man which is sufficiently known to be true by all those that knew her Not I say to force any thing on a Mans belief which he himself has n't an inclination to Swallow I 'll only tell you in brief that my Dear Mother Sicken'd and dy'd and came to Life agen just as they were putting her into the Coffin to bury her and Lives a fortnight and then sicken and dy'd agen and was bury'd in good earnest and almost broke my Heart and my Fathers tho' little wretch as I was I hardly then knew my loss nor does the World yet know it but it shall if I can do it She was born I won't tell you where for I 'm ill-natured with my Sorrows The Daughter of I won't tell you who for if I prove otherwise than well there will be a good Family Disgraced If you ask what she was that I 'll tell you she was a Woman yet no Woman but an Angel I say an arrant Angel as ever appeared upon this unworthy Earth only she assumed a real lasting Body and continued in it some thirty or forty years to teach the World Virtue while other Angels use to make but little stay among us and then like Astrea flew home agen because she found the World Incorrigible She was the paragon of Perfection and Loadstar of all Eyes and Hearts and well might my Dear Father Travel seven years after her Death before he Marryed agen for had he don 't not seven nor seventeen nor seventy but seven hundred he 'd ne're have lit
as Barebreechd as Evander when from his last Globe he rambles into his Grave Physicks too Go drown'd your self in your own vacuum and Build Castles in the Air and take Metaphysicks along with you a Witch-catching or Winnowing Entity from unum verum bonum Go troop all together I 'm for taking my leave and a fair riddance too all at once and intend to have no more to do with ye unless taking ye in a Lump without opening the Book or reading one Syllable more about you But there 's more yet to come and I 'm resolv'd once for all to make clear work Farewel Astrology for once and again I tell ye Kainophilus was ne're cut out for a Conjurer Farewel Geometry for I can ramble round the World without thy help and scorn to measure how many Miles Pearches Feet Inches and Barly-corns I run over Or number 'em either and therefore well thought Troop off Arithmetick for Company for he 's an arrand Fool that can't tell twenty and what canst thou do more Nay ten is thy utmost Limits and even then thou art forc't to vamp out one with a nought and all the rest of thy fruitless pains with so much more cost than worship is only telling them nine Figures over and over again till thou hast lost thy self and yet can'st never get to the end o' thy Iourney Chiromancy Shall I shake Hands with thee too No thou' rt such a strolling Gypsie thou' rt only fit to be whipt or set in the Cage for a great Cheat as thou art And when Mathematicks can tell me how matter is infinitely divisible and yet not so and â—econcile Demonstrations contradicting each other o'both sides then I 'll keep that tho' all the rest must trudge but since it never can let that turn out to and break its Neck or drown it self over its own Pons Asinorum What a Fool am I after all to rail at what I don't understand Learning has a property much like that which a great man attributes in another sense to Philosophy as a little of that makes a Man an Atheist but a great deal a Religious person so a smattering of Learning makes one despise it a great deal esteem and admire Forgive me O thou thing almost Divine that I have Blasphem'd thee without knowing thee and if possible let that either excuse or alleviate my Fault and Punishment Never a wretch wholost and left thee as I have done but Repented dearly of it as soon as he came to know the crime he had committed I believe thou art the very Image of Heaven and a great part of that happiness we lost by our own folly I inflict the most severe voluntary Pennance on my self for having thus abused thee I 'm content all my Life long to bear the wretched Fate of standing at thy Door and helping others in while I stay without my self a helpless â—â—â—â—bless vagrant and spend my weary days in sighs and only thinking what I might have been had I improved by thy auspicious aid and cultivated all those Golden Seeds Nature so largely sprinkled on her Evanders Breast This Justice done to Heaven-born Learning I now proceed to give you an account of my Iourney which these thoughts so far shorten'd that I was now arrived at the famous Metropolis of England I had almost said the World for which you must go with me to the following chapter CHAP. VI. Next he Rambles to London where his Father's intent is He might ask his Son's leave tho' to Chain him a Prentice NOW does the Reader greedily expect a Description of London ay and such a one it shall be when it once comes that shall put down Stow's Survey Howel's Londinopolis Delawn R. B. and all that ever writ on 't since London-stone was no bigger than a Cherry-stone or Iulius Caesar Built the Tower I question not in the least no not in the least but 't will Pit Box and Gallery with let me see with ay with Iordan's Lord Mayor's show or his Successors either tho' that 's bold word that 's the truth on 't By this time I guess the Reader is big upto the Chin with expectation as Mrs. Abi gail and her little Master at Bartholomeâ— Fair ' when they are just a going to begin for two or three hours together to satisfie his Curiosity I tell him now whatever I made him believe in the last Chapter that he 's not like to hear a word more on 't this two hours Thus do I love to elevate and surprize and sprinkle now and then some of that same in my writings which is so remarkable in my self that people shou'd miss what they expected and find what they never lookt for tho' both still very excellent nor must you think I do this without sound advisement and sage Reason for my Father coming here full in my way and he being nearer akin to me than all the City of London put together besides he conveying me thither and placing me there all the Reason i' the World I should dispatch him first that is to say make an end of him that is to say in a civil way finishing and closing altogether his Life and Death and paying that just Tribute of Tears Elelegies Sighs Groans and Acrosticks due to his Super-precious memory for wou'd it not be a preposterous thing for me in the midst of my Apprenticeship when my Father dy'd to run Rambling away from the Shop in the next Book and leave my Masters Business at six's and seven's no thank ye for that Evander had by that time a more staid Head of his own and was no such passionate admirer of hot Suppings to trot so far after ' em Besides to have my Fathers whole Life together the great Father of the not greater Evander why it looks noble and very fine and sounds as well as any thing in the World for when the Readers of this Book one Lord or t'other Earl this Wit and that Alderman shall find the marvellous deeds of the Son they 'll be very willing to go a little higher it being a very natural sort of Conclusion that this Son had a Father and that Father very probably not unlike this Son and then there needs no more to be said but that they 'd be extreamly well pleas'd to see this wondrous Father of this wondrous Son all together in one piece not Hang Drawn and Quartered about thro' all the twenty four Volumes here an Arm and there a Leg and there another Member Gentlemen your will shall be done 't is contrary to Evander's Nature to disoblige such Honourable Persons here 't is altogether nay I 'll say that you 'll have a Lump on 't turn to the Index let 's see run along wi' your Finger Chapter Chapter Chapter no 't is n't here Chap. 4. Chap. 5. not yet Chap. 6. there there ye have it but then what volume ay that shou'd have bin thought of before the Chapter why Volume the tenth no
enter the Lifts with him in Poetry Rapture for Raâ—ourâ— my Pen and Ink to his Budgeâ— and let him drop as long as he wou'd as the Blind Bâ—ggâ—r and the Knight did their Gold I 'd not fear keeping pace with him 'T was this I say which brought me to be as you see Gentlemen I vow there 's no cheat in me be ye but Judges now take the last Verse Ah â—ohn Aâ— Nan and so away How soft how natural and easie is't not fine is't to be match't agen O Envy Envy Thou dumb Beast thou If thou woot n't speak hold thy tongue while I explain to such as better deferve it the meaning of that Verse whereof thy Ears are not worthy Ah Iohn Ah Nan You must know my Name Hold hold I cry ye mercy Mr. Reader 't was out before I was aware on 't you must know a Friend of my Fathers Name was Iohn and he had a Sister her Name was Nan so these two he call'd upon the very last words ever he said in this World and then he dy'd for good and all and I won't disturb him no more and cou'd almost resolve not to tell you a word more about him but 't is hard for Friends to part why spare me a Page or two more you 'll be never the poorer your selves at the years end and be obliging complaisant and Civil as I'lâ— be to you when you write a Book and don 't give me the Lâ—â— or call me Flatterer when I assure you my Father was one of the rarest Men in the World and that I Dream'd of his 〈◊〉 three Days before I heard on 't Tho' I 'm confident 〈◊〉 have been falser things Chronicled than either of these But I must give you a little more of his Character 〈◊〉 fancy he 'll ne'r rest in peace which indeed may 〈◊〉 he made up of whatever is good in other men as the 〈◊〉 Venus was from all the fine Women â—'the Country But I 'll give you only some of the most remarkable 〈◊〉 and let the rest lye mellowing till a Second Edition He was capable of euery thing and proud of nothing â—ay rather actually Master of all things of all the Perfections that cou'd be sound or named He had a Tongue fit to converse with Angels and 〈◊〉 yet better than that Tongue for 't was so full of Virtue and 〈◊〉 that 't was never to be exhausted By an unparallelâ—d reach of understanding he soar'd above the highest all other Perfections being so far from matching his that they deserve not to be mention'd and the great distance between 'em made 'em appear like a little point scarce to be seen and less to be regarded In a place of Athens when one nam'd Plutarch the Eccho answer'd Philosophy if he 〈◊〉 tells the Story don't lie so shou'd his Namâ— be mention'd 't wou'd certainly answer either VIRTUE or EVANDER's FATHER His Breast was a brave Palace a broad Street Where all Heroick ample Thoughts did meet Where Nature such a large Survey had ta'ne As other Souls to his dwel't in a Lane So look tall Hills on some small sneaking Valley So great Cheapside on little Scalding-Alley For his Body that rich Cabinet of a richer Iewel 't was even a fit match for what it contain'd He had a graceful and a full comely Countenance in which as if Nature had made a Mould on purpose for him we might perceive a duly composed Feature mixt of Gravity and Sweetness Ana His Meen so becoming that commanded Awe and Love together from all the Beholders Hiâ— Stature elevated somewhat above the common sort of ordinary tall Men The habit of his Body spare far from Câ—rpulency but exactly proportion'd His Hair was as black as the blackest Raven and curiously â—url'd as if it â—rept back agâ—n and long'd to kiss so sweet a Face Evander's true Father In a word his very aspect was such that any man that knew how might borrow Wit enough from it to serve him an Age Perfect Evander still For I protest now I think on 't I 've sometimes seen ingenious men stand stock still and stare upon my Face such as tis and after some Contemplation break out into a gentle smile as who should say they received extream Satisfaction â—the very beholding on 't He cou'd say what he wou'd and provâ— what he said and was so perfect as not to be capable of Improvement As many Virtues joyn'd in him as we Can scarce pick here and there in History Though ne'r so careful our Collections be Flower of all Flowers a perfect living Book In which whoever had but chanc't to look Wou'd soon confess unless small Understanders It did belong to some of the Evanders A Posie of Translations and Collections A very Rambling Chaos of Perfections Each pinn'd upon the Back so close of t' other No passage by to read this for the other More than old Writers Practice e'r cou'd reach Tho' them I 've read or Bunyan's self cou'd teach Down with fair Innocence each Night he lay As I with Iris Sol with Thâ—tiâ— gay When all the World we 've rambled round thro' all the livelong-Day ☜ ' BVY FATHER But first Pray bring me to London Bind me 'Prentice and then Ramble to t'other World as fast as you please tho' for all my stout heart seldom cou'd I think of his Death for almost 16 years after without half-crying my Eyes out But as we are jogging if along for London before he was Dead all this was what shou'd we light upon in the side of a warm Hedge but of all the Birds i' the Sky my Brother Cuckoo Was n't that a very strange thing Brother Critlck No truly not strange at all but what follows is stranger over against this Hedge was another Hedge and in that Hedge over against this Hedge was an old Ivy-Bush and in that Ivy-Bush was an Owl Now it being towards Evening and a fine Summers Evening 't was as one shou'd see in a Summers Day what do's the Cuckoo but crys Cuc-koo what do's the Owl but fall a 〈◊〉 and Whittoow-hooing what do I but stand still and let my Horse graze between 'em both to hear their melody If you are any thing learned I 'm sure you have heard of Apollonius's understanding the Sparrows Language and why may not I as well the Owls and Cuckoos O thought I wi' my self what a brave Recorder that Cuckoo's Bill wou'd make and then the Owls wou'd do for a Flagilet to a wonder But while I was admiring their Skill and Harmony I was so ravish'd with their Charming Musick that cou'd you believe it That I fell stark asleep under the Tree and my Mind being full of the Idea's which were in my Head e're I fell asleep they seem'd still to continue their Discourse which now I understood better so than while waking warbling out between 'em this following Song in Stylo recitativâ— But now I think on 't tho' I understood it you won't and therefore
Month of September 1690. with Reflections â—pon every State to be continâ—ed Monthly from the Original publish'd at the Hague by the Authority of the States of Holland and West-Friezland The Mercury for the Month of August last is likewise done they are both Sold by the Booksellers of London and Westminster PREFACE TO THE Booksellers OF LONDON GENTLEMEN IHope I need not assure you that 't would be the farthest thing in the World from my Intentions shou'd any Passage in these Papers be thought a reflection on your honourable Employment so liberal and ingenuous that it indeed seems an ART rather than a TRADE The very attempting any such thing wou'd be the worst defiling my own Nest and wou'd make me ashamed to look on my self as well as you That there are some ill Men 〈◊〉 us Spite of the Proverb 〈…〉 to 〈◊〉 denyed nor needs it any Excuse any more than the exposing those Persons to the just Censures of present and future 〈◊〉 The proper End of 〈◊〉 is to 〈◊〉 Vice the abuse onâ—t to expose Virtue under that Name and Dress for in its own 't is so amiable that all the Wit and Malice of its Enemies can neither render it ridiculous nor odious Thus waâ— the Old Comedy grown so licentious as not only to expose but ruine the best of Men bringing their very Names openly on the Stage Were there any such thing in this Book I 'd be my self one of the first shou'd burn it without putting the World to the trouble But on the contrary I appeal to any not concerned whether most of those here exposed are not such as highly deserve it and that by Things not Names For is there not all the Reason 〈◊〉 the World that a PROUD DON 〈◊〉 a designing Hypocrite a conceited â—lockhead or a whimsical Author a 〈◊〉 old Spend-thrift or a young deâ—auch'd Fop shou'd be set out in their â—wn Colours that both others may be deâ—rr'd from following their Examples and â—hey themselves possibly grow asham'd of â—heir own Folly Cervantes among the â—paniards was the first who wrote in this â—rolling sort of Prose-Satyr and being 〈◊〉 neat Wit and a vast Genius did it to â—dmiration sufficiently exposing the empty â—ons of his Nation so full of their own â—ighty selves supercilious to all Mankind â—esides Quevedo was another Attempt of 〈◊〉 same kind thô not on the same Subâ—ect his Walk being something lower and â—ore among that sort of People which 〈◊〉 have here to deal with But all this â—ou know already and I can't tell why I â—hou'd râ—peat any more on 't unless to show 〈◊〉 READING therefore I 'll let the City-Romance alone which perhaps is nearer the Design here intended than 〈◊〉 before mention'd I have only to 〈◊〉 you know that besides the Satyr herâ— and there scatter'd in these Books theâ—â— are many things which want a Key 〈◊〉 are like to do so for they were not wriâ—â— for every Body thô there 's enough intelligible to entertain the World with a greaâ— deal of Diversion And now GENTLEMEN I 'm your Humble Servant Kainophilus Panegyrick Verses To the Memory of my endeared Friend Don Kainophilus Author of this Book of Rambles ISing the Man who Ropes and Cables bore On that Right-hand which lifted Books before He shook by Storms and tost by Tempests blast Now Anchors in his Iris Arms at last Dundee and Durina Gluckstadt and Oran Vsbeck and Vlster Rome and Ispahan Novogrod Boston Famagosta-Fair Tâ—vestock renown'd and more renown'd Tangier Open your Stony Iaws Huzza and Bellow Nor stick to own you never saw his Fellow U. E. Student in Oxford The headless Gyant in Sir J. Mandevil's Travels to the Author of this second Volume of Rambles I Who am Porter grim within this Place And guard the Entry with my manly Face Who thank my gentle Nurses can defy The Axe the Gibbet and the Pillory Who was by strong Inchantment tedder'd here For let me see some fifty-thousand Year Like a poor Monkey by the Loins confin'd Unless some stronger Charms my Chains unbind Left in this hopeful pickle out of spite By Mandevile that harsh uncourteous Knight To whom but you Sir Author shou'd I flee To you who 've seen far rarier shows than He Who Mandevil himself out Mandevil as far As I beyond a Dwarf can throw the Bar Him Forreign Shores tho' valu'd here no higher Whom his ungrateful Countrey scorns admire Yet what 's contain'd in all his boasted store Which your fair Vollume has not all and more Learnings advanc'd since he his Work begun But had he e're seen thine 't had ne're been done His famous Works of Cocks in Woollen tell Thou 'st seen 'em drest in Down and that 's as well He of a horrible Land-Meermaid writes But thou at Sea hast seen far stranger Sights Thou saw'st a score at once or wou'dst ha'don't no doubt Had they but been so civil to peep out And since that one good turn requires another Since I on you your due applause bestow O let one Trav'ler aid against the t'other O speak the word Sir Knight and let me go A Bookseller ANAGRAM O. B. seek all o're DEar Friend how did I seek all o're And doubt I ne're shou'd find thee more Well! since thou' rt come let thee and I Each other kindly edifie Begin I 'll follow Lye for Lye Sto ho hop or all our Braggs are vain For Pegasus upon his Neck has got the Rein And awayâ— he flyes thundring over the Plain But all o' th' sudden stops again There 's a fine turn and softlier goes Than Zephyr breaths or Lethe flows Than Spices brought from Western Isles Or than Valeria when she smiles Let 's to the Rack-staves tye him fast And then return to what is past O! B for Blockhead whose dry Pate Yet never yean'd at such a rate Who nought beyond thy Stall dost know Nor e're didst to New-England goe If thou wouldst gain the Worlds Esteem Seek here all o're and learn from Him He 's not o' th' third dull seeking kind Of those who neither seek nor find Thro' all the World he seeks all o're Seeks close and findeth all and more For what he round the World does roam In 's Mouth or Book he brings all home He claps it down before 't is gone Slap-dash-he has't 't is all his own So have I seen a Spaniel mild With Ears full large and long As Innocent as Chrysom Child As Garagantua strong When e're his Master cryes Seek out Forth he 'll like Lightning move He seeks all o're and all about To find the Staff or Glove His Master smiles and will not chide If he returns when sent And spits in 's Mouth and claps his side And Tray is well content O! B for Buzzard who so loudly sings As far as Tyber's distant Springs Who stretching out thy saily Wings Doth seek all o're in search of Fame Almost as far as th' Author came E're thou com'st home take one Voy'ge more
may see most pleasantly describ'd in the Twenty fourth and last Globe Through all which and every part of it you 'l find Directions for management of your self in any state of Life School-boy Prentice Traveller Soldier not too much tho' of that Lover Tradesman and what not with many pleasant and useful Digressions with or without Occasion some of which will cure the Melancholy if not as deep as any in Bedlam That ever any Man in his Senses but all are not Evanders should question the Usefulness of this Design and the past or following Volumes That in the first place 't was highly useful to Me which none need doubt I think the principal Verb I can assure 'em by my own Experience t' has turn'd a penny these hard times and the Thing Design and Method being all new and diverting has taken so well I have no reason to be sorry of having obliged the World since that has done as much by me agen an Evidence of which as well as of my Gratitude for it is this Second Volume Nor let any be so unjust to think the Usefulness of this Work is confined to the Author alone though Charity begins at home his design being more generous and communicative and tending to the profit of others as well as himself upon more accounts than two or three The first is because 't is so pleasant so diverting so tickling and all that to those who do but understand the whim on 't To see a Man describ'd and not describ'd playing Bo-peep with the World and hiding himself behind his Fingers like Merry Andrew clapping his Conjuring-Cap on and then crying Who sees me now thrusting his Head into a Bush and like a cunning sort of a Bird that comes from the Moon whither he is to take a Voyage in one of these odd Books and then defying all the World as Pembrook did to know him by his t'other end I say to see this ingenious Author as close under the name of Kainophilus as Achates and Aeneas in the Cloak of Venus seeing every Body and hearing what Folks say and censure of him and none seeing or hearing him What in the World can be a more pleasant Spectacle or better deserving the Motto over the door where this monstrous sight is to be seen Spectatum admissi risum teneatis amici But alas Evander's Person though diverting enough is far from being all the pleasant Humours of this Book Here are not only wise Ones but Fools of all sorts and sizes Cit. Fools and Bumkin Fools Prodigal Fools and Flint-fisted Fools Old Young and Middle-aged Quarto's Folio's and Decimo-Sexto's enough to furnish all the Shops from Temple-Bar to the Poultrey-Counter and if all this choice won't please ye your Stomachs must be too quâ—asie ever to eat Porridge with Evander How many Comical Remarks and Merry Fancies are stuck all over the Book like an Orange with Cloves a Lover with Flowers or a Mad-man with Straws or Feathers not to add a Traveller with Rambling Tales and Romances What think ye else of Evander's Character written by himself at the beginning of the Book an inimitable Piece and a Design hardly ever before attempted and that with as much Justice to himself as Diversion to the Reader What say ye Mr. Critick to all the Poetry which shines through every part of it as thick as the Stars in the milky way or the Vertues and Graces of the incomparable Iris Of the admirable and surprizing Novelty of both Matter and Method representing a Book made as it were out of nothing and yet containing every thing the sweetness of the Groves the pleasantness of the Country the purling of Streams and harmony of the Birds and whistling of the Winds and singing of the Cuckoes and Meditations of Evander Then o' t'other side the Grandeur of the City described in a method wholly new of which more anon and all the Rarities therein described the Stateliness of its Palaces the Magnificence of its Churches and the Honesty of its Booksellers which singular Subject richly merits a Volume as big as all Tostatus together But alas is here for want of room wedg'd up into one or two single Chapters though neither the last Book nor this nor their own nor all the Shops nor Walls in London or the World that 's a bold word are either strong enough or large enough or weighty enough to contain it But all this while how will I make profit of what 's only pleasant Why as easily as I make this Book and that before it If Pleasure be the chief Good as some Philosophers perhaps defensively and innocently enough if rightly taken have asserted then whatever is pleasant must undoubtedly contain all other goods under them and among them the profitable ones But not to mount the Argument above the vulgar Readers heads and perhaps my own too 't is plain enough that what 's so pleasant as this must needs be profitable too another way to the Body by chearing the Spirits sweetning the Blood dispelling black melancholy Fumes and making it as brisk as a Prentice just out of his Time a Crack't Tradesman newly Set-up again a jolly young Bridegroom on the Wedding-night or a fair Bride the next morning Then to the Mind what more innocently diverting keeping from a hundred worse Employments at once delighting and profiting and mingling utile dulci so exactly that there sha'nt be a scruple over or under on either side though weighed in Apollo's own Ballance Thus ye see how profitable the Book had been though t 'had been only pleasant But perhaps the grum sort of Readers will find fault with 't for that very cause they must have somewhat sowerer and stiffer to humour their Iackboot-Iudgments something that will bear reading a hundred times over without ever growing thread-bare that may exalt the Judgment improve the Mind and all that This they only call profit and without this it s beneath their supercilious Worships leisure so much as to cast a glance upon 't Well all this they shall have to please the grave Sirs whom by the leave of their Beards we must quarrel with for not acting like themselves condemning what they have never read or not sufficiently reflected on For which reason Kainophilus must be again forced to do violence on his modesty and point to the particular choice Jewels enshrined in this rich Cabinet by which may be easily guess'd how gravely and sagely he could have discours'd from one end to t'other wou'd the World have born it as easily as all Hercules is measur'd by his Foot or the former Fruitfulness of the Holy Land by some precious snips here and there to be found at this day I won't pretend to enumerate here all the sound pieces of good Philosophy Sence and Reason as strong as Love or Mustard which are scatter'd here and there all throughout the foremention'd Work though some such places I 'll direct you to for my own Credit as well as your
hardly patience to think on 't to make your self the perfect Maygame of the Town Why at this rate you 'll be shortly pointed and laughed at as you pass the streets and the very little Boys will cry There goes the Black-Swan or White-Raven Will they so quo ' I quo ' he I mean still I protest I 'm heartily glad on 't and think it extream good News Why have the little Gentlemen so great an esteem for me Well they honour me very much and if a Pocket full of Sugar-plumbs as long as the Monument will gratifie 'em they shan't want it Does the World take notice of me point at me smile for Complaisance and Joy when I pass by 't is the very thing I 'd be at and I 'm a made Man I shall get Money by 't besides Fame Renown and Honour in abundance into the bargain Was Demosthenes so proud when one poor Tankard-woman cry'd There goes Demosthenes And shan't I be infinitely more proud and with better reason when not one but the whole Society of Tankard-bearers Men Women and Sucking-Children which I find by the foresaid Story are a Corporation very ancient nay not only they but all the Posse of Broom-men Porters Link-boys Kennel-rakers Câ—rd-match-sellers and Book-sellers the very Mouth Feet and Hands of London shall never see me stir out of Shop but they 'll lift up their wondâ—ing Month and Eyes and Hands and cry out in Extasies There goes the Immortal Evander For so they will call me so they will be apt grave Sir to think me alas only out of their goodness whereas I 'm no more he I protest Sir than I am Kainophilus nor are they able to prove a word of what they say any more than that I am the Man in the Moon People Sir you know will say their pleasure and many things may by chance be extremely likely which yet for all that are as far from true as Chalk's from Cheese I have been I must confess mistaken more than once for that worthy Author whom some have flatter'd me that I a little resemble But alas strong fancy often makes Likeness where it never finds any and I believe on my honesty I 'm no more really like him than Garnet's Beard in the Barley-Straw is like a Man Nay now cries he ye make me ten times madder at ye than before Why are not all these passages here that could belong to none but you and that I know as well as you and scarce any beside us perswade me I can't feel my own Nose Whether you can or no Sir is no business of mine Sir any more Sir than this of yours That ever appearances should thus deceive a Man of Sence and Years as you are and make him so positive too ay that 's the vexation on 't else the humour would pass well enough Sir you have often been upon a City-Iury remember a Man is never hang'd for Circumstances What are all these Suspicions and a hundred more without positive Evidence Ay there 's the clinch of the Cause the very top point and pinch of the Argument Grant I am so like Evander though that 's an argument I can't be he because no like is the same that I shou'd have all the marks of him about me a very fair proper well made Person in the Flower of my Age Discreet and Prudent Magnificent and Generous and Valiant to a Miracle well drest And hold if I go a little farther I shall let every body know me indeed I say supposing I had all these shrew'd Ear-marks about me it might I confess be enough to have me stopt by a Hue-and-cry if met by 'em and they order'd to apprehend him But yet no Judge in England not a George Lord Iefferys whose Life you may have at Mr. Dunton's in the Poultrey would be such a cruel bloody Dog to hang me by the Neck till I were dead without any other Proofs than this seeming Similitude Just thus did these two judicious Persons discourse on that weighty Subject which the graver of the two pressed on with further and heavier Arguments Whose Objections to that purpose with several other on the same Head I Kainophilus the very and real Author of these Rambles now take upon me to Answer for my own Honour and the Satisfaction of the World and prove notwithstanding all the fruitless Allegations to the contrary and some seeming appearances that neither Iohn-a-nokes nor Iack-a-styles nor Will-wi-the-wisp nor any other Person yet named or suspected are the real Authors of this Book or the real Evander but that I and I only am he and who I am is yet and ever shall be a Secret as long as I please since the World neither does nor for all its fleering perhaps ever shall or can know me Whoop comes in an old Hawker-woman what don 't I know Vander I that have serv'd him with Gazets and Pamphlets almost these ten years I 'll take my swear upon an Observator this is he the very errand he or else may I be Spay'd by the next Sow-gelder Why let 's see he has the very leer of him walk him there 's his perfect shuffle look he winks too and is twirling a Pen between his Fingers Never tell me I know him as well as my own Mercury or Dick Baldwin's Printing-house If 't was Evander writ this Book I 'm sure I know him for there 's ne're another of the name in the World he 's a Phoenix and this certainly must be he Go cry your Votes ye old Bawd sure this is a fine World and they 'll perswade me anon they know me better than I do my self You know one Evander so did I too but he must needs be the same in the Book because there 's but one of the Name forsooth and are you sure of that Goody Strong-Lungs See what 't is to want reading at least to be acquainted with none but the Moderns What has been may be and if there have been more Evanders than one why mayn't there be so still and if two as well for ought I see two hundred though two will do my business as well as half a thousand Now all the World that ever read Virgil so much as in the incomparable Ogylby's splendid Version knows there was a very grave old Gentleman of his acquaintance called Evander who had a Beard down to his Girdle-stead before ever I was begotten from the resemblance to his whole humour not his Person the unwonted Gravity of my Temper and Wisdom of my Actions even in my younger years together with my delight in a sedentary Life and dwelling a long time up in a Garret as this fine old Man did at his Country Farm a top of a Hill some were pleas'd many years since to give me the Title of Evander But alas no more the same Evander this silly Woman talks of than a Man is the same with a little Boy I knew that same Evander as well as she for her days
able to subsist without a sort of Order and Government among ' em They are indeed as perfect a Corporation as any Company in England and use as much Method in the sending out Parties this scowring one Street and the other another none interloping on the Province or Walk as they call it that does not belong to ' em So that the Thief-catchers either the Marshal's Man or others whose business 't is has 'em at what Command he pleases sends for the Heads of 'em and for a Summ of Money recovers your Watch Sword or Guinea as oft as you please to lose'em To this degree of Wickedness was this unhappy undone young Man now risen and had as was thought but one step now between that and the Gallows but by good Fortune for him he came to a more honourable end and Justice overtook him without the help of the Hangman for it chancing that two Gentlemen quarrell'd in Fleet-street and drew upon one another he coming by officiously pretended to part the Fray and running between the fierce Combatants seiz'd one of 'em in his Arms while another of his Companions prepared to pick his Pocket But the other Gentleman whether out of rage that he cou'd not come at his Adversary so resolving to reach him thro the other or by a mistake made a fatal pass and ran poor Pick-pocket thro the Back that he fell down dead with an Oath in his Mouth and never spoke word after CHAP. VII The Chapter of the Booksellers STAND not a Foot further at the hazard of your Ears and well if you come off so Evander make your self ridiculous as long as you please but let us alone you were best 〈◊〉 Or What Sir What mean you Sir What wou'd you be at Sir don 't you know as well as I and every body else that has seen or â—heard of me that Evander ne're saw fear but in the face of an Enemy Or Sir steps in a desperate Hyper-Gorgonick Mortal who lives not above one Semidiâ—meter of the Earth from Westminster-Hall Or I 'le cut your Throat I 'le shoot ye in the Head I 'le pash out your Brains with the heel of my Shoe hold there I 'le rip out your great and small Guts and make Tripes and Fiddle-strings of 'em and after I have done all this Beat ye till you 'r as black as a Raven Umph truly that 's very hard to a man that endeavours to get an honest Livelihood in the way of his Trade and hurts no body What is 't this young Man has done certainly he has been truanting a little or has been formerly Petticoatized that he 's so desperately afraid of the Lash Had he been one of the naughty Youths of the Town that sit all the Day between the Comb and the Glass that dress as it were in Print only to have the Ladies say Look what a delicate Shape and Foot that Gentleman has had he not been a careful industrious studious sober honest Man who makes it his business to keep his Shop oblige his Customers nay rather than be idle or gad abroad turning his Books and dusting his Shelves then there might have been some reason for his Apprehension But alas all the World knows him a great Trader both in London and the Country a grave staid facetious Person never out of temper or humour discreet to a Miracle uncapable of being affronted or scandaliz'd so fair is his Name and so sweet his Disposition And this Character he had had if he cou'd have staid for 't without all this trouble but has by this strange and unwonted fit of passion ten to one but he had been in Company before and no man alive is always the same so discomposed my Thoughts as well as his own that all the design'd Method is overturn'd and instead of a formal orderly Visit intended to the principal Booksellers the Glory of Trade and of London must now be forc'd to take 'em higgledy-piggledy and so lose a great many of 'em that Fame and Immortality designd 'em for which irreparable Loss they may blame this young Man's intempestive rashness not our unjust Partiality 'T was the intention of Kainophilus as he has before recommended to the raw unexperienc'd Apprentice the necessary Accomplishments of Religion Temperance and Fidelity by showing the Mischiefs and Dangers of the contrary Vices so to have proceeded on the next Virtue as necessary very near to the happiness of a young Man as any of the other namely Industry And as he had recommended the past Virtues by showing the ill face of their contraries he wou'd havâ— endeavour'd to have demonstrated this by its own Light and that with no disadvantage in the Example of Evander The Scene I had laid to reduce this into action was the City of London the Dress and Form in which I appear'd thereon most convenient for Expedition accouter'd like the Boys that run with the Gazet my Hat under my Arm my Note in my Hand and I almost breathless tripping it through the Streets like a Roe-buck and calling in at all the Booksellers and giving you a little touch of their vertuous Qualities for the Proverb is sufficient Evidence tho' there 's Knavery in all Trades else we have none in ours tho' there may perhaps be a little Foolery now and then of which some may think these Books an Instance but some wiser than some and those think otherwise However whether they do or no I must mind my business and what it is squint back to the Frontispiece and there you 'll find it Globe the V. Where he vamps about Town for Caesar and Strada The Horn-book Morocco Iohn Bunyan Granada I ask your Pardon once more dear Reader I feel I have Rambled away from the Booksellers and faln among the Books agen but they 're so near kin you 'll easily pardon it and I make no question the Booksellers wou'd entirely forgive me shou'd I forget 'em altogether However I take 'em all to witness against this Dogrel-writer in ordinary who insinuates in his roguy Rhymes as if I was employ'd in nothing but Godly Books Plays and Horn-Books whereas I appeal to all you that know me whether I han't very often been at your Shops both for Quarto's and Folio's and sometimes lugg'd home some reverend Commentator that was like to break my Back before I got thither Not but that as I told you before I profess as deep a Respect and Veneration for the worthy Mr. Bunyan as the very Man that prints him and the truth is that devout Author has always had the good Fortune to fall into the hands of as religious Booksellers The lewd World 't is true will scoff and jeer but who can help it if we are safe in our own Integrity and can so easily despise ' em Thus were my dear Friend and Name-sake Iohn yet living shou'd I hear any ugly Stories or Rhymes of him as one very scandalous one I with detestation remember In Cases of
but one of these two they must grant either that I can do better or cannot if the last why do they blame me if the first let the World thank it self for finding me no better Employment which till it does I 'll pester it I 'll rail at it I 'll have no mercy upon that or my self in the mean time let it e'en pity me or scorn me as it thinks fit for I shall be just as much the better for one as the worse for t'other and so have amongst 'em agen To the Poets TO you who liv'd by Drink not Eating Your Brother Rhymer sendeth greeting Abdicated A Fumbler past fifty Vngodly unthrifty Who lost Wit and Pension together So greedy so needy So wild and so giddy He 'd turn Turk shou'd the Mufti come hither Laureat A Rhymer so fam'd Need ne're be asham'd Of his Faiths or his Works imperfection The Players all fear He 'll turn Priest the next year And leave 'em to another Election A poor Lunatick Leave Broâ—m or thou' art mad And drink Helebore Natt Nor disgrace the Poetick Profession If thou' rt madder than they They 'll all run away And leave thee whole Bedlam's possession Prince Prettyman And is it not pity That an Author so pretty With a second Translation should cheat us Perswade's if you can That this Goose is a Swan Or Horace a-kin to Lucretius Lock and Key Is the Narrative done Or how goes it on Speak Eâ—kanah out of thy Garret Such a Picture and Tale Like his Play cou'd n't fail When he hop'd the brave Irish wou'd carry 't Sol fa. Thou canst play thou canst sing To a Mayor or a King Tho thy luck on the Stage is so scurvy Such a Beau such a Face Such a Voice to disgrace Such a mine 't is the De'el Mr. D The humble Address c. Of Criticks the best Why dost thou contest To make such a Whelp of an Author While thou lashest the School Thy own Works are more dull Than any man living e're saw there Jack Gentleman Since Jordan is dead Why 's his Successor fled When the Pâ—geants so dearly did need him Death of late made a Feast Both of HEROE and PRIEST And he went o're the Sea to succeed ' em The rest will keep cold Now wou'd I fain see the Faces of all those Gentlemen who find their own here but I can't guess at 'em without Book D swells S swears L raves T smiles E struts and so on I hope they 'll fall upon the Author Lampoon him to some purpose and then my Book 's made it runs like Lightning and I do'nt fear two Impressions no more than it in days of yore 't was got into the Observator Don't be so brisk cries another wise grum Fellow that sees me pluming and cocking Those Gentlemen have all more Wit they'll no more mind you than the Gallant in t'other Book did Clark but let you your Author and your Doggrel sink in that Obscurity and Obâ—ivion they deserve To let the Reader see I han't forgot my self all this while any more than a Spaniel loses his way when he runs over Hedge and Ditch I'lâ— now return to my main business the Life of young Kainophilus who by this time had run thrâ—â— his seven years pleasant Slavery and was now ready to shake off those golden Chains for such were his made by so good a Master of which he 'll take his leave with one notable Occurrenâ—â— more which ought not to be forgotten Theâ— day before his Time was out he received theâ— 199 th Letter from his Father which he sent during his Prenticeship and that very day another which made up the precise Summ of 200 all which he yet preserves thro all his Travels Rambles Uppings and Downings and Forthgoings and Incomings of his Life and will no more part with 'em than with his Freedom when he has it but resolves to have 'em bury'd under his Head as the old Woman her Bag of Nuts when he creeps into the dark hole in the 24th Globe of the Frontispiece However the Thoughts of that did n't spoil his Mirth but abroad he ranged like a young Swallow in the Spring with so much sprightliness and joy that he cou'd hardly feel himself or the Air he breath'd in Hâ— or I 't is much the same had the good fortune to be courted and esteem'd by all that knew him and was a Lad of singular Expectations and extraordinary Hope Honours met him where-ever he walkt and his ways were strow'd with Complements and Howâ—d'y's The greatest Sphere in which he acted at his first stepping over the Threshold into the World was that of an Addresser He had the honour to be one of the brisk London Prentices a matter of some 30000 in all who presented the famous Petition to Sir P. W. nay so great was his Reputation he was chosen the Treasurer to that honourable Society tho the Secretary's place might have done as well and he it was who had the happiness of their Company at a magnificent Feast made at his Freedom And happy too happy had it been for Evander had Fortune still thus smil'd upon him and he been happy still Yes and he was so for some fair years after but how happy then and how unhappy afterwards how he fell in Love with Iris and dispatch'd the grand Affair of Matrimony how he turn'd Author and then Rambler he 'll tell you immediately but first must step to the Printers to get this Book workt off and you shall have the Third Before a pot of good Ale you can swallow and further saith not Yours ever Evander The End of the Second Volume Books lately Printed PRactical Discourses on Sickness and Recovery in several Sermons as they were lately preached in a Congregation in London by Timothy Rogers M. A. after his Recovery from a Sickness of near two years continuance Mr. Roger's Sermon preached upon the Death of a young Gentleman entituled Early Religion or the way for a Young Man to remember his Creator Mr. Shower's Sermon at Madam Ann Barnardistans Funeral A Voyage round the World or a Pocket-Library divided into several Volumes The first of which contains the rare Adventures of Don KAINOPHILVS from his Cradle to his Fifteenth Year the like Discoveries in such a method never made by any Rambler before the whole Work intermixt with Essays Historical Moral and Divine and all other kinds of Learning Written by a Lover of Travels and recommended by the Wits of both Universities Price Bound 1 s. 6d The Second Volume of the Pocket-Library intermixt with wholsom Instructions for the management of a Man's whole Life As also with particular Remarks on the most noted Booksellers Authors and Poets in the City of London Price Bound 1 s. 6 d. The Vaniety and Impiety of Judicial Astrology whereby Men undertake to foretell Future Contingencies especially the particular Fates of Mankind by the Knowledg of the Stars By Francis Crow M. A. The
Of what Age is the Mogul What 's become of Teckely How fares all the Englishmen in those Parts Where lyes Prince Waldeck's Forces Of what Colour is the Great Cham's Beard What Tydings of Tyrconnel And such a Tempest of Inquisition that it almost shakes my patience in pieces To â—ase my self of all which I am forc'd to set Pen to Paper and let the several Volumes of my Rambles talk whilst I take my ease with silence which though they prove like a pratling Gossâ—p full of many words to small purpose yet this I 'll fay for this Third Volume That it is my Son Then shou'd I not be an hard-hearted Brute of a Father if I could be so cruel as to send him into the wide World without speaking so much as one good word for him and contains A Continuation of several rare Adventures relating to my Seven Years Prenticeship Philaret's Friendship A Countey-Life and my Project of Girdling the World c. able to make you smile away an hour or two under the greatest pressures either of Body or Mind and will as the learned S d has it Cure every curable Disease Now if this Volume alone will do such Wonders what think ye will the whole Work perform when finisht secing `twill contain A Little Library Or Compleat Help to Discourse upon all Occasions By the help whereof you may cross Rivers without Boat or Bridge boundless Seas without Ships and climb up Mountains without pains and go down without danger â—econcile the Future and the Present Tense see Asia in England Travel the Holy-Land and go to the Holy War with Mr. Fuller see the brave Baker defending Derryâ— the valiant Grafton beating the Irish the Electoral Princes storming Mentz and Bonn see the Grand Signior in the Seraglio Infallibility in his Grandeur and C bussing his Toe and with the wandring Knight Sir Francis Drake put a Girdle round the World On which daring Advenâ—ureâ— Wit thus pleasantly deâ—â—ants Drake who th`encompass'd Earth so fully knew And whom at once both Poles of Heaven did view Shou'd Men foget thee Sol câ—uld not forbear To Chronscle his Fellow-Traveller Would you see the Wars and Actions of the Roman Emperors you may here see them trend the Singe again with less cost and hazard than at first You may by the study of these Rambles live in all Ages see Adam in Eden sayl with Noah in the Ark sit and consâ—lt with Julius Caesar converse with Sâ—necâ— Plutarch and Horace conferr with all the wise Phâ—losophers go to School at Athens and with a free access hear all Disputes Thus Friend you see I make bold to imitate one Alexander of Greece who still as he went Dragooning about the World de scribed the Wandrings and as it were the Tom Coriatilm of his Expeditions But what need I go so far as Macedonia for a Pattern seeing we have so many Precedents at home One tells us in Octavo That he has been in Turkey another That he has been at Rome a third that he has bin in France And doâ—â—tless you my Friend will e`re long be telling the World 〈◊〉 Folio of your Travels to Hambrough Veâ—ice Japan and Greenland When a Fellew as the Wallagrophist further observes in his Britton delcrib`d hath a Maggoâ— in his Fate or a Breeze in his Tail that he cannot fix long in a place Or perhaps when he hath entituled himself by some Misdemeanors either to the Pillory or Gibbet to disinherit himself of his deserved right he â—â—irts into Holland or is transported into some Foreign Countrey where conversing a little while he thrusts into the World The History of his Adventures he varnisheth over his Banishment with the name of Travel and stiles that his Recreation which was indeed his Punishment and so dignifies a Ramble by the name of a Journey He tells what Wonderments have surprized him what fragments of Antiquity have amazed him what Structures have ravisht him what Hills have tired him In a word he is big with Descriptions and obliges you with the Narrative of all his Observations and Notices Seeâ—g every one almost that hath but untruâ—sâ—d in a Foreign Countrey will have his Voyage recorded and every Letter-Carrier beyond Sea would be thought a Drake or a Candish I thought with my self why may not I have the liberty of relating my Rambles and of communicating my Observations to Mankind It is sâ—id that Onme tulit punctum qui miscuit utile dulci If that be not done here yet it is an Essay of that kind being a mixture wherein with great variety things highly and daily useful aâ—e interwoven with delghtful Observations Now Friend if you by reaping in few Minutes the fruits of many Hours Travel shall receive any content I shall not only be satisfied for this but encouraged for a Fourth Volume and for ever to remain Your obliged Friend and Fellow-Traveller KAINOPHILVS A VOYAGE Round the World OR A Pocket-Library VOL. III. CHAP. I. Being a Continuation of several rare Adventures relating to ' Vander's Prenticeship impossible to be left out But first to the purpose Here Page bring me a Brimmer So so now I can write Rambles agen I 'M here to tell the Reader That the greedy World being in Post haste for the Second Volume of my Life I had not time to finish the Adventures of my Seven Years Prenticeship I shall therefore add what was wanting upon that Subject in this Third Volume as also several other things impossible to be left out and so reserve my Rambles a Wiving and the other things promised in the last Volume for the Subâ—ect Matter of another Book The continued History of my Life needs no preambulatory Discourses to render it Charming For 't is supposed the French Dutch Italians and in a word almost all Nations will welcome me into their Language The nicest Criticks allow me to be a pleasant Fellow and judge my Adventures may be read with as much Edification as my Countrey mens Nobs or the celebrated Dreamer of Bedford I am no such Fool to fight with a Windmill or take a Flock of Sheep for a mighty Army All my Conflicts in Youth were with my hard Fortune against which it becomes every wise Man to combat If a Man wants diversion and be out of humour he need only read my Dialogues with Philaret and Iris to put him into a fit of laughter But whither do I Ramble from my Subject of ' Prenticeship But Reader I hope you 'll exâ—use it in me seeing when at any time I go out of my way 't is rather upon the account of License than Over-sight For as I told you at first my Subject is Rambling and therefore is it that I suffer the least sudden Thought or extravagant Fancy to lead me ten twenty nay sometimes â—n hundred Pages out of my way And to confess the truth I have got such a trick of making Digressions that I find it is hardly possible for me to
shalt thou eat thy bread Solomon's Princess eats not the bread of idleness St. Paul laboured The High-Priests among the Iews had and the Great Mogul at this time hath a Trade at which as I heard in Leiden he is to labour every day And you may take notice that she is set out to us as skill'd in Cookery whose Brother was Solomon in all his glory Shall we eat and not work Shall we yawn away our precious hours Shall we think with the Lillies which neither spin nor labour our cloaths will grow upon us Alas Idleness is the Mother of all Mischief St. Austin says That he that is employed is tempted with one Devil but he that is Idle with a thousand I heard whilst I was in Holland of so great a Sluggard that as 't was said he never saw the Sun rising or setting in his whole life but would usually tell it for News at Noon that the Sun was up I remember I have read in an Italian History of one so Idle that he was fain to have one to help him to stir his Chaps when he should eat his Meat Such is the vileness of the Age we live in that Idleness is counted an Ornament and the greatest gentility is to do nothing whereas 't is Action only that is noble and not only the Celestial Bodies are in continual motion but he that is most high is Purissimus actus and besides the Contemplation of his own Goodness is ever at work in Acts of Providence and government of his Creatures 'T is Action that does keep the Soul both sweet and sound There is a kind of good Angel waiting upon diligence that ever carries a Lawrel in his Hand to Crown her The bosom'd Fist beckons the approach of Poverty but the lifted Arm does frighten Want How unworthy was that Man to live in the World of whom it was said He ne're did ought but only liv'd and dy'd Diligence and Moderation doubtless are the best steps to mount up to Preferment A Man is neither good nor wise nor rich at once yet softly creeping up those hills he shall every day better his Prospect till at last he gains the Top. A poor Man in Boston once found the Tag of a Point and put it in the lap of his Shirt One ask'd him what he could do with it He answers What I find all the year though it be never so little I lay it up at home till the years end and with all together I every New-years-day add a Dish to my Cup-board He that has the Patience to attend small Profits usually grows a great Man Polemon ready to die would needs be laid in his Grave alive and seeing the Sun shine he calls his Friends in haste to hide him lest as he said it should see him lying Seneca wou'd have a Man do something though it be to no purpose The Turks enjoyn all Men of what degree soever to be of some Trade The Grand Signior himself is not excus'd Mahomet the Turk he that Conquer'd Greece at the very time when he heard Embassadors did either Carve or Cut wooden Spoons or Frame something upon a Table This present Sultan makes Notches for Bows Cunus the Noble Roman was sound by the Fire-side seething of Turnips when the Samnite Embassador came for Audience Iulian the Emperor was ashamed any Man should see him Spit or Sweat because he thought continual labour should have concocted and dried up all such Superfluities Artaxerxes made Hafts for Knives Bias made Lanthorns Homer sung Ballads Aristotle was a Corn-cutter and Domitian the Emperour having no Rambles to write spent his time in killing Flies with a Bodkin Nicias the Painter was often so intent on his Trade as to forget Food and omit the reception of Nature's support Alexander never slept save with his Arm stretcht out of the Bed holding in his Hand a Silver Ball having a Silver Bason by his Bed-side that lest he slept too securely the falling of the Ball might awake him to Battle But why should I multiply Examples of this kind seeing here are enough to convince the Lazy how glorious a Vertue Diligence is and to authorize my Practice in writing my own Life and Travels seeing Emperors Kings and Nobles have employed their time on as trivial Subjects Montaigne says That nothing can be so absurdly said that has not been said before by some of the Philosophers And I am the more willing to expose my Whimsies to the Publick forasmuch as though they are spun out of my self and without any Pattern I know they will be found related to some ancient humour and some will not stick to say See whence he took it 'T is true I cannot deny but in this Book there are many things that may perhaps one day have bin made known to me by other Writers but if they have I have utterly forgot by whom But say they were all Collections Is the Honey the worse because the Bee sucks it out of many Flowers Or is the Spider's Web the more to be prais'd because it is extracted out of her own Bowels Wilt thou say the Taylor did not make the Garment because the Cloth it was made of was weav'd by the Weaver Therefore let no body insist upon the Matter I write but my Method in writing If I have borrowed any thing let them observe in what I borrow if I have known how to chuse what is proper to raise or relieve the Invention which is always my own for if I steal from others 't is that they may say for me what either for want of Language or want of Sence I cannot my self express 'T is true I have always an Idea in my Soul which presents me a better form than what I have in this Book made use of but I cannot catch it nor fit it to my purpose I can neither please nor delight my self much less ravish any one The best Story in the World would be spoyl'd by my handling If therefore I transplant any of others Notions into my own soil and confound them among my own I purposely conceal the Author to awe the temerity of those precipitous Censures that fall upon all sorts of Writings I will have my Reader wound Plutarch through my sides and rail against Seneca when they think they rail at me I must shelter my own weakness under these great Reputations But though there is nothing in this Book I have cudgel'd my Brains about yet I must confess during my ' Prenticeship I was a kind of Persecutor of Nature and would fain then have chang'd the dull Lead of my Brain into finer Mettal And to speak the truâ—h I have ever had a strange hankering after Learning but to atchieve it Nature was too kind to me she hope me to nothing but Patience and a Body yet what I have I usually have perfect for I read it so long before I can understand it that I get it without book 'T is confest I am a
great Nomenclator of Authors which I have read in general in the Catalogue and in particular in the Title for I seldom go so far as the Dedication But as for Poetry except in the case of Rachel I never ventured upon it thinking it impregnable But as for Astronomy and Logick c. I ventured twice in my ' Prenticeship to make a breach into it for you must note I have an Invention though it extends it self no further than the patching together a few Chamber-Collections and you 'll find my disposition of them to be as methodical as the Book-binders when he places X in the place of A I wear my Wit in my Belly and my Guts in my Head a very Natural might bob my Brains my Pia-mater is not worth the ninth part of a Sparrow I cannot in circumvention deliver a Fly from a Spider without drawing the massy Irons and cutting the Web. O how often has my Brain turn'd at Philosophy How often have I made I L fear studying judging it by observing me to be a kind of Duncery How often in my Gown Night-cap have I sat up till midnight in my Master's Back-Shop to the vanquishing of some six lines in Homer or the minor Poets being unwilling to forget all my Greek but alas I cou'd never yet after a 7 years biting my Nails as long scratching that which goes for my Noddle get acquaintance with above a Muse and a half nor never drink above siz q. of Helicon And therefore Reader expect here neither Squibs nor Fire-works Stars nor Glories for to be yet more inward with thee the curst Carrier lost my best Book of Phrases and the malicious Mice or Rats ate up all my Pearls and Golden Sentences I was never yet so well accomplisht as to study the jingling and cadences of words have not learnt to say Yes forsooth and No forsooth to call a Straw a Strew forsooth nor had I ever the modishness to search in the Looking-glass which words gave the most grceful motion to the Lips And indeed fine Language would as ill become me as a Poet does fine Cloaths but it may be some may understand my plain talk better than them whose Pen drops Nectar or Life-Honey choice and refined Conceits not but thou shalt now and then have a similitude from the Sun or the Moon or so or if they be not at leisure from the grey-ey'd Morn a shady Grove or a purling Stream But I 'll engage this shan't fall out often enough to choak thee For what canst thou expect from one the chief burthen of whose Brain is the carriage of his Body and the setting his Face in a good frame From one that weighs his Breath between his Teeth and dares not smile beyond a point for fear t' unstarch his Look From a Puppy-Snout so utterly nothing that he knows not what he would be or write From one who is just such a Man to a tittle as his Taylor pleaseth to make him And to speak the truth I find my Bodily qualities are very well fitted to those of my Soul I have not put on the quaint garb of the Age which is now become a Man's total nor humbled my Meditations to the industry of Complement nor afflicted my Brain by an claborate Leg but my Scrape is homely and my Nod worse I cannot kiss my Hand and cry Madam your humble Servant nor talk idly enough to bear her company my Bussing a Lady is somewhat too savoury and the reason may be because I usually mistake her Nose for her Lip Avery Woodcock would puzzle me in carving for I want the Logick of a Capon yet this I must say for my self that when I am at a Feast the perplexity of Mannerliness will not let me feed As for my Hat it is commonly nayl'd to my Head except at a Christening and then all my Behaviours are printed But it were enough to make a Stoick forget his gravity and an Heraclitus to burst into laughter to hear me discourse the Gossips My Tongue is the Gentleman-Usher to my Wit and stil goes before it yet is my Head which looks as if t 'had worn out three or four Bodies and was legacy'd to me by my Great-Grandfather always so busie about Matters of Learning that I can seldom find time to comb my Hair wash my Hands or to consider whether that which I take for a Band be not a Dishclout or whether it it do not stand towards the Ale-house I seldom cut my Nails till they are long enough to scratch my Grannum out of her Grave and as seldom wipe my Nose which is still my Limbeck and my Mouth is the Receiver So that I am just like one of the old Philosophers the length of whose Beards did assure the World that they had not time from their deep Contemplations to cut them So that I fancy it would hugely accommodate me to dwell as Diogenes did in a Tub for there my Nose might drop at pleasure I am one that am not guilty of making Legs as thinking that they are made already but I chuse rather to make Faces such as were never made before and are usually more lowring than the last day of Ianuary In a word I have seen a handsomer Mortal carv'd in monumental Gingerbread If you have ever view'd that wooden Gentleman that peeps out of a Country Barber's Window you may fancy some resemblance of me But tho' I have little to boast on above the gross and common work of Nature and am not acquainted with the modish styles in writing yet for all that I am a plain-spoken Lad I 'se call a Spade a Spade and will not bid you deosculate your Posteriors but when I would speak to that purpose I speak the plainest English As to my Chin I 'd compare it to the Gnomon of a Dial but that it is not fring'd with Hair enough to stand for the twelve hours My Eyes are heavy and naturally require the light My Cheeks resemble Famine painted on a clean Trencher I am the very Ape of a Man a Iack-of-Lent a very Top that 's of no use but when 't is whipt and lasht My shortest things are my Hair which is usually cut to the Figure of Three Two high cliffs run up my Temples and a cape of shorn hair shoots down my Forchead with Creeks indented where my Ears ride at anchor When I have got any piece of News 't is easier to make Stones speak than me to hold my peace And therefore 't is I hate all places where there is an Eccho because it robs me of my dear Repetition and confounds the Company as well as me But of all Mortals I admire the Short-hand Men who have the patience to write from my Mouth for had they the Art to shorten it into Sence they might write what I can say in a continued discourse of six hours long on the back of their Nail for my Invention consists in finding a way to speak