to him is to draw upon one unarm'd Nay more than that said Brook a man of Honour ought not only to be free â—rom Villany but also from the suspition of it which he can never be if he takes those measures for the satisfaction of his Honour by which in reality he may deserve rather the name of a Bravo than that of a Hero for engaging with a man less skill'd than my self is not a jot better than assassinating him which I take to be the Office of a Coward and a Ruffian not of a man of Honour and Courage And yet this is unavoidable in Duelling so that I think 't is far from being a proper Umpire of Honour or Courage Come come said Fountain you may talk as you please of the Reason of the thing but I 'm sure custom will over-weigh all your Reasons and decide the business against you 'T is true faith said Grave Custom that senseless Refuge of non-plus'd Fools will carry it and the men of Reason must either be born down the Tide of that or be piss'd on by â—e'ry Jackanâ—pes but if there were but half so many men oâ— sense as there are Fools there wou'd be no such wretched Plea for the most irrational of our Actions for as Knaves have the greatest share of managing if not making Laws so have Fools in forming Customs But methinks now Tilting is become the Practice of Players and Citts upon their scandalous Quarrels 't is time for Gentlemen to leave it off as the Ladies formerly left of Mants because e'ry Chamber-maid got into them But as for your Friend River I think the first occasion being over and the cause of Quarrelling so trifling his skill in fencing I suppose not extraordinary he maye'n drown the memory of it in the Ocean of Aristotle or the World of Descartes or the Morals of Plutarch or Seneca let him give himself to thinking whilst he may and he 'll meet with occasions enough to shew his courage when he comes to share in the thoughtless Broils of this Town Upon the whole Gentlemen concluded River I find my Friend must keep his Dudgeon still in its Case and I agree with you tho I have known one Dear Caressing Drinking Friend cut anothers throat upon as slight a matter LETTER VI. From an Author to his Friend that had condemn'd some of his performances it was directed to Mr. Roberts at the Sign of the three Tobacco-pipes in Drury Lane Dear Iack Tunbridge Iune 1692. I Must confess I wonder'd at your late strangeness in not coming to see me when I waâ— nearer the Town but I could nor think it the consequence of your guilt as I am now apt to believe it was being inform'd that you are very free in your Censures of my last Play I can scarce imagine you can betray your Folly so much as to condemn that which I am sure merits your praise I think without vanity I may say so since the Town by the success of my attempts that way has allowed my judgment in writing My Reputation is too well setled for the malice of my Enemies to destroy I know some are not a little disquieted at the same I have got but I value not their Efforts I would have you keep me your Friend as I yet am tho Injured W. M. This is but a concise product of Vanity said Chappel the epidemic distemper of Authors most of whose happiness consists in having a good esteem of their own performances from the Laureat to Penny Chronicler I know the hand and the Author too pursued Fountain and can assure you his Discourse always agrees with this Letter especially since some success he has met with in a Dialogue of his Writing hath nothing but Affectation and Vanity I must say this said Winter in his Vindication for his hand and stile must discover him to all this company I 'm sure that his Vanity is excusable since he meets with so many Flatterers that it is hard for him to think he has not a great deal of desert True said Church the modestest man in the World cannot be so good proof against Self-esteem as not to entertain a favourable Opinion of himself when the World applauds his performance Nay I know a Gentleman said Temple that pretends to and has I beliâ—ve as much modesty as any Author who tho he will never speak in commendation of himself shall yet with no little ardour and disturbance undertake a Defence of what he writes if any one in his company chance to cavil at it Vanity said Brook is so general a failing that I am of opinion 't is essential to our nature every man being infected with it as well as Authors only some have the advantage of hiding it better than others I confess said I we seem ev'n in our condemnation of this Author to discover our selves tainted with the same we accuse in him and that without the Temptation of the deference the Town shews to his Parts We discover no more pursued Summer than the Conversation of the World does tolerate which always makes bold with the absent the Follies of all men except those of the present company afford wonder and laughter but those are plac'd too nigh to be distinguish'd They that can only see their own Defects said River I fancy not unlike the pur-blind that can only read when the Book almost touches the Eye I 'm very confident concluded Grave we shew no great Arrogance or Self-esteem in venturing to censure what is obvious to common sense as the intollerable vanity of this Letter is the overlooking such gross Follies in my opinion gives a greater proof of our ignorance than good Nature or Wisdom LETTER VII From a Country Fellow giving an account of London to his Cousin in the Country It was directed to Thomas Stiles at Master Tomson's House near Taunton in Somerset-shire Cousin TOM Lond. Iune 1692. HOping you are all well as c ham at this present Writing thanks be to God these are to let you know that c ham got zafe to London Zitty where the Volk up and down e'ry day thicker than at Taunton Vair every door is a Zhop zo that one wou'd strange that they cou'd live by one another and yet they all go viner than the Justices Zon and their Wiles and Daughters than the Daughters of the last Mayor of Wells the Streets are all hung as thick as e're they can thwack with Zigns the worst ov'e 'em viner than Master Kilderins at the George a Horse-back Then there 's zuch a din night and day that the Noise Iohn Tabour the Drummer of the Train'd-Bonds made when he beat a point of War last Whitzund-ale at Gonmer Zoules's was nothing to 't You may zooner hear zoftly Dick the Miller make love to Ioan Black Arâ— just by the binn Voor all the Clapper than hear one another speak here tho we stoud close together nay by all the vlesh o've of my Bones if Zimon the Cleark
tell her sheâ—s sweeter than his own Stile Let him be what he will I am sure said Grave he 's a Coxcomb if he could pen that Letter with any Opinion of a serious performance and if he have no more judgment in his works he 's but a meet simile Monger at best and his Wit lies in a Habit and Jingle without any design Oh said Fountain there are abundance of our modern Authors who labour with Mr. Bays's Distemper of forgetting the Plott or design of what they write And yet said Temple their idle productions shall â—ell among the best But with the same â—ate pursued Church with some of the French Scriblers mention'd by Boileau who tho' they were mightily admir'd and bought up at first yet they have lived to see themselves and their Works forgot This Letter said Brook shews that the force of Affectation draws a Veil before the Judgment which else would govern Fancy according to Sense and Reason True said Summer Similes indeed as Mr. Dryden observes are the products of a Luxuriant Fancy but this Author seems like Weeds to be wholly over-run with it This is the more pardouable Affectation concluded Winter because the shorter but some will continue the extravagance to the extent of a Volume without any satisfaction to the mind of the Reader who can never be content with a meer laughter at folly â—or so long a time LETTER IV. From a young Son of the Muses at the Vniversity with Verses of his own Production according to the Method laid down in a Book entituled Letters and Poems amâ—â—ous and gallant 't was thus directed To the Ingenious Author of the Gentlemans Iournal to be left for him at the Latin Coffee-House in Ave Mary Lane London with great care and speed Most Ingenious Sir Among the great number of your Admirers of both Sexes and Universities which urely are the most able Judges of Wit as Mr. Langbain very well observes I have the extream vanity to boast my self the greatest You present us every Month with so much variety of Wit that as the design was admirable so the performance appears not at all to come short of it Not that I think my judgment in your favour will make you vain for a Man of so much sense can never be infected with so signal an oversight tho' without Arrogance I can say my opinion is not despised by the most topping Witts not only of our Colledge but also of the whole University the trifles I have attempted have pleas'd here much beyond their desert which makes me presume to offer some of the best of my endeavours to you and shall be extravagantly proud if they receive so favourable a judgment from you as to be admitted into your Journal My modesty has made me defer sending them till now but some particular reasons prevailing over that Virtue which indeed is my fault I have after a severe perusal sent them to you and tho' I cannot see any great Errors in them yet since 't is possible I may be thought too fond and indulgent a Father of my own Off-spring I entirely submit it to your Judgment and Correction which I have some hopes will do me justice I have therefore inclos'd in this Letter two Riddles which sort of Enigmatick writing as it pleases the witty part of this Age so I admire it above all but Love Verses and a copy of love Verses which I have compos'd according to the Rules and Examples of that extraordinary Author commended so much by an unknown hand in one of your Journals And I must be bold to testify the good effects of his Precepts in me for often reading Waller and Cowley and still attempting an imitation of them I prov'd continually successless I 'm sure I was really in Love and yet I could not think as they did which made me conclude especially when I had seen this incomparable Book which I think the finest thing that has been published in our Language as a great Judge and Critic observ'd at the Booksellers Shop that these thoughts cou'd not be really the effects of Love since the same cause must have the same effect and if I durst say it without the imputation of vanity I should think this discovery made by this Author was in the very sâ—me manneâ— this I should not presume to say if I had not found an extream Sympathy betwixt our Judgments I have taken care to avoid similes conceits and shining 〈◊〉 which I did with the more ease because they are not obtained without difficulty Ill begin with my Riddles which according to the Nature of the thing I have couch'd in a familiar phrase tho' I leave it to your improvement who am your most Humble Servant J. B. Coll. Magd. Oxon. Iune 1692. The RIDDLE RIddle my Riddle my ree And tell me what my Riddle shall be Long white and slender Tickles Maids where they are tender Lyes where Hair grows And hath long slit under the Nose Second RIDLE COme up come over come under I 'll make thee believe I 'll kill thee I 'll put that that 's thine Into mine And make thy Tail waggle behind thee I 'll inform you what these two Riddles mean for tho' they seem a little Roguish the first is only a Bodkin and the second the Milking of a Cow An ELEGY on the Power of a Fiddle to his Mistress In imitation of the fourth Copy of Verses in a Book call'd Letters and Poems Amarous and Gallant WHile those bright Eyes what e're they please can whâ—â—dle Nothing shou'd make them twinkle but a Fiddle What Youth so bold the Conquest e're to think of Tho' to your Health he durst whole Gallons drink off What Wealth so great to purchase such soft Bubbies Sices are dirt Georges themselves but Boobys To none but Fiddle that Priviledge Oh grant Which can return your Love with a Corant Riches and Titles after Life can't tarry Nay ev'n in Life alone can't make you merry Fiddle can give you Mirth 't is Sorrows salve too And after Death can play you to the Grave too Embalm'd with Fiddle within your Amber Tomb-stone You 'll last immortal Mummy till a day of Doom's come Fiddlers like Conjuâ—ers in a Lapland Cell Restrain'd by nothing but their mighty Will Can here make Ladies frisk there dance a Iigg And as they please make each a whirly Gigg In vain sage Rats in that same German Villagâ— Skulk into holes with Bread and Cheese their Pillage If fell Crowdero with his treacherous Fiddle Can make them all like Fools dance into th' middle Of murd'ring Pond and punish those that did Ill. * I thought good to add this beyond what the ingenious Author I imitate has said for he only in a kind of Innuendo threatens her to make her pass for a Whore as Virgil did Dido if she yielded not to him but I know Plain Dealing in love was most natural and therefore have spoke it out in plain English what
your self not by their Villanies but by the Dictates of those Vertues you have propos'd as the Model of all your Life That Honour is still the same with you and varies not its Form or Essence as with other men according as their Interest or Passions perswade no you 'll perish with him that has even oppos'd your Safety if vicissitudes of things and concurring Circumstances engage your Honour in it Few such Examples I can say has any Age produc'd much less Ours I 'll only add That tho' like Alcibiades who had a good Master in Nature and Philosophy you have a true Relish of Pleasure and offer at her Shrine being justly of opinion that Grace and Nature are not at such mortal odds as some bigotted men would fain perswade us in Words not Practice yet you are not so devoted to it as at all to neglect either the more serious and weighty Affairs of Life or the Summons of Honour whenever that calls What I have here said is no more than what all know of you and therefore I need not apprehend any Censure for it But should I touch upon all your other Excellencies I fear I should be thought a Flatterer tho' without deserving it in the least Besides you have Virtues 't is not safe in this profligate Age to name As for the Book Sir I secure under the shelter of your Patronage I shall only say 't will discover the difference betwixt these Letters prompted by the several immediate Occurrences that occasion'd the writing of them and those which some Epistle-Writers have publish'd for Examples for the World to Copy after Nature and Easiness appear in the first and Study and awkward Pains in the latter 'T is not to be expected there should be the same Wit and Language in e'ery Letter since the Occasions and Writers are different And they are generally more remarkable for their Import than Words and Phrase But this I hope I may say for the Comments that you 'l seldom find an Observation wholly impertinent or any of them without something Moral if not Witty 'T is true they can't be suppos'd so fine either in their moral or witty part as the Reflections of Sir Roger in his incomparable Aesop those being the effect of mature and deliberate Study but these the Result of extempore Thoughts 'T is possible a very critical Reader may find some seeming Contradictions betwixt our Observations on one Letter and those of another but he ought to consider that things as they are differently plac'd and dress'd present us with different Idea's as one Example may evince Vandike if I mistake not or some other eminent Painter had a Daughter whose Mouth render'd her whole Face extream homely but drawing her Picture he so plac'd her Hand that it cover'd her Mouth by which she made a very beautiful Figure Thus in one Posture the same Woman was beautiful in another really ugly And so 't is with Virtue Vice and all other things their several Positions Dresses and Forms give 'em a several turn and so present us with several Reflections As for the Second Book of this Volume I shall only observe that as the Letters are most of them if not all written by Foreigners so we are not answerable for them nor for the Reflections on them neither since the performance only of a part of our Company and they pretty well enter'd in good Liquor I shall say no more of the Book but let it take its Chance with the rest of the World if it meet but with a favourable Reception from you Sir to whom I dedicate not only that but my Self too who am SIR Your humble Servant C. G. The Bookseller's Advertisement to the Reader Courteous Reader HAving for the Benefit and Pleasure of the Publick thought fit to publish these following Letters which I had from the Hands of one of the Gentlemen concern'd in the Frolick I thought proper to advertise these few things First That the Post has too often here in England as is evident from the Gazette been robb'd and 't is to be wish'd with no worse design than these Gentlemen did it There have Accidents of this nature happ'ned in other Countries as in Italy as the Letters of Palavicino demonstrate so that there can be no doubt of the Truth of the Matter of Fact or at least of a Probability of that Truth Next It may be wonder'd that in all these Maâ—â—s pretended to be robb'd there should in such a time of Action be no Letters of News or any account of the late Iâ—trâ—agues But I desire these Gentlemen to have patience till they see the Second Uolume which if this find that Encouragement from the Ingenious as is expected shall be published with all convenient speed by which they 'll find 't was out of choice not necessity that they have none in this Volume But in the following Volumes the Company resolve to conceal nothing they discover'd in any of the Pacquets that may afford either Pleasure Profit or Instruction Thirdly If any Lady or Gentleman have any Letters sent them either from their Lovers or ingenious Friends a Publication of which with the Observations of this Company will either satisfie them or gratifie the Town if they please to direct 'em to my Shop at the Raven in the Poultrey I 'll take care to convey them to this Club and engage them to comply with his or her desires And I believe there are very few Men or Ladies who in there Lives have not met with some Intreagues or Occurrences which may contribute to the Diversion of others as well as themselves whatever Letters are sent as above directed the Company will be very impartial in there Judgments upon them and those Letters that are sent in according to this Advertisement shall be markt with an Astâ—rism to distinguish 'em from those taken from the Post. Fourthly In the next Volume will be an Explanation of the Letter in Figures that is in this one of the Company having found a Key for it but too late to have it inserted the whole being printed off In the said Volume will also be added some Letters of a very surprizing nature and many that discover abundance of secret Intrigues Fifthly When you find any iniâ—ial Letters of Names be not too forward of saying such a one is meant for does not the same Letter stand for many other Names as well as that you suspect Nay where you see an initial Letter and the Sir-name at length you cannot positively conclude it to be the person you suppose 't was directed to for may there not be hundreds both of the same Christian and Sir-name in England that may shâ—w your mistake But if any one by winching shews that he is pinch'd he must thank himself and not this Club who thought it lay in their power to give more particular Characters of persons yet were as tender as could consist with their Design Sixthly If any object these Letters were
not really sent to the persons to whom directed because there is so few Letters of Business amongst 'em 't is answer'd those were not thought so diverting as others and therefore this Club took Copies chiefly of those that they thought were proper to entertain the Age but if it were either safe or convenient they could send such â—eubters to many of the persons that receiv'd these Letters by the Post since they copied them for all the Letters which they found which had an honest end in the speed they took care to seâ—d as directeâ— Seventhly As it must not be imputed to the Company as a Fault that there are several Letters that may seem to the more solid Readers a little too gay and airy because 't was their business to expose Matters as they found them and not to model 'em according to their own Rules so I for the same reason ought to undergo no Censure for printing them as they came to my Hâ—ads both regarding the Truth of Matter of Fact and the exposing the secret Villanies of Mankind as they were than to change them to what we desired they should be And upon this Condition only was the Copy deliver'd to me that I should leave out none of those Letters that the Company thought fit to publish This Reader is enough to satisfie ev'ry Unprejudic'd person and as for others he neither values nor fears their Censures who subscribes himself Thy Friend and Sâ—rvant John Dunton THE Pacquet Broke OPEN In a LETTER to a Friend Volume I. SIR I Know very well that you have often advis'd me against the Hurry and Extravagance of the Town and I know that your Advice was the result of not only your Friendship for me but also of your real Sentiments that is of Reason Nay I am extreamly sensible how often you have silenc'd me when I have ventur'd to engage with you on this Subject and that you prov'd beyond Controversy That the preference ought to be given to a sedate and thoughtful Life Yet when I am absent from you I know not how it comes to pass Whether by my forgetfulness of your Arguments or my inclinations to converse and company the force and vigour of your Reasons vanish for The words in which they were couch'd I 'm sure I still retain which makes me flatter my desires that it was rather the Awe of him that spoke than the matter of the Discourse that perverted for so â—ow I call it my Opinion Back'd with these Considerations methinks I may own that I am relaps'd from those Resolutions you left me and that I fancy I have some Difficulties in Dispute which you have not yet decided this makes me begin to imagine that you are in the wrong to despise Conversation so much since without doubt it polishes that imperfect Model of a fine Gentleman which Books but begin and generally leave very rough and unfinished Conversation does not only give us a better taste in Reading but also improves our Thoughts to a good Practicable Habit and our Words and Discourse to a greater Elegance than all the stiff and laborious Trifles of the plodding Academics and I must tell you Friend that you your self wou'd never have been master of all that fineness of Sense if you had not in your Youth been much conversant with the better part of Mankind Nay I must proceed farther and own that the lighter Sallys of Youth appear not so criminal to me as your nicer Reason represents them 't is true I have not forgot what you us'd to urge against them viz. That however diverting they might seem to those engag'd in a fond Attachment to 'em yet that their apparent Folly render'd them not only ridiculous but odious to the more considering part of the World and that it was impossible they cou'd give real Satisfaction and Pleasure to a reasonable Man being commonly the effect of a hot-headed Rashness begot by the prevailing Fumes of the Bottle when Reason has bid 'em good night and thought less Accident assum'd the direction of all their Actions Yet my Friend you must pardon me if I tell you That as Fables of Cocks and Bulls c. seem but an odd sort of Divinity or Philosophy to employ the Thoughts of a man of sense which yet have always had such a valuation with the Learned for their Morals that it has given a Life to Aesop almost thrice as long as that of Methusaleh so â—tho the Extravagances of Witty Youth may seem but odd Lessons of Wisdom yet I am sure there is not one without its excellent Moral if that be but improved by a judicious Reflection by this you 'll find I include not the Adventures of e'ry noisy Fop or Bully but of the Youths of true Witt of which Sir I can say with some assurance my conversation is composed whose worst Extravagancies come not short of the practical Precepts of your old Friends the Lacedemonians in making their Slaves drunk for the instruction of their Youth who by that sight cou'd gain but one half of the Knowledge that was requir'd to make them understand all the inconveniences of Drunkenness they saw indeed what a ridiculous Figure the poor intoxicated Wretches made but they knew not but that it gave them a sufficient pleasure to recompence that appearance of Folly which was often put upon the Noblest of Actions of the Wisest of Men they might have heard that the Abderites thought Democritus mad when he was imployed in the search of Nature in the â—issection of Animals till Hyppocrates convinc'd them by the Authority of his Word of the contrary besides many a man wou'd run the risque of looking like a Fool for an hour or two to enjoy a Pleasure for twice the time especially an unexperienc'd pleasure which is always magnify'd by Imagination But if they had been permitted to be drunk themselves the Pain and Sickness that attended it would have instructed them that it was none of the most desirable of Pleasures the other punishments that are the consequences of this Vice which wou'd have deter'd them from it were wanting that is the spending of Estate which brings the boon Companion to contempt and Infamy for the Slaves of Sparta were made drunk at the publick Charge But not to dwell too much upon the Vindication of the worst of our Crimes and which we our selves condemn and are very seldom guilty of I will by sending you a Relation of one of our Frolicks convince you that we make a better use of our extravagances than you do imagine and that they proceed from choice not accident For while your Virtuosâ— are poring over the unaccountable Secrets of Dame Nature we are busy in searching into full as intricate a Subject The Humours and Nature of Men while they are conversing with Labour and Study with the Mineral Vegetable and Animal Kingdoms our pleasure leads us in chase of the Secrets of the Rational World Their Studies may have the Face
of the mind of the Council of Chalcedon held under the Emperor Martian which decreed no Priests should have two Benefices There are two great Oversights methinks in that Author said Summer one where he says That because there are a greater number of Inhabitants in a London-Parish than in four or five in the Country that therefore a Country Incumbent might have more Benefices than one Whereas he should have shewn that the Cases were alike which are very different these Numbers being together and near the Church where the Minister is present to teach 'em all together but those in the Country so divided that it can't be so I don't think one quarter in the year sufficient to apply himself to their Instruction And next he should have shew'dâ— that Five hundred Souls were not enough to employ the time of one man to conduct them well to Heaven The other Oversight is That he will not allow Sixscorâ— pound a year enough to furnish Books to a Minister to qualifie him sufficiently for his Office when there 's scarce an Hundred Curates in England that have 〈◊〉 so much for maintaining their Families and all and yet he says great part of them arâ—-better qualified that the Incumbents Well Gentlemen concluded Grave I must profesâ— my value is such for learned men that I think the Author of that Book has maintain'd a good Cause with excellent Wit and Reason the Authority of which all you have said has not at all shook with 〈◊〉 and therefore let us adjourn our Discourse to the â—â—xt Cause LETTER XV. From a young Lady to her She-Friend disclosing her whole Breast as to Marriage Cloaths and Characters of such and such pretty Gentlemen who have discover'd some tender Affection for her Directed to Madam Isabella Bright at Maidston in Kent My Dear Lond. June 1962. I Have been so fatigu'd with the impertinent Ad-Addresses of the Men that I could not find time to write to thee my Love last Post. I wonder whether thee art of the same mind thee wert â—hen thee wrote thy last Letter my Dear such a â—â—ghty Friend to Marriage 'T is true I would â—â—rry my self but not yet 't is time enough when I come to be a stale Maid here to retire into the â—ountry and there take up with some grave Counâ—â—y Justice where I may rule the Family and the 〈◊〉 too I shall grow weary of the Town I fanâ—y in five or six years time but as yet the Gaieâ—y 〈◊〉 Gallantries of Love are my Dear very taking You counsel me against the danger of losing my Reputation by those Freedoms I grant but you are mistaken my Love for the only way to lose that is to be too sollicitous about it Scandals in the Country are pieces of innocent Divertisement here and one may as well pretend to live without Fine Cloaths as without an Intrigue I have half a score on my hands at this time and I love 'em all alike keep 'em in suspence and daâ—ly and play with them give one a favourable Look and another a Smile a third my Hand to kiss but then to keep them at their due distance the next time I see them I frown on the first rail at the next and wonder at the Sawciness of the third if he presume to attempt the same Freedom again Ah my Dear â—ou know not how pleasant a sight 't is to see this Beau cringe and screw his Body into an hundred forms in hopes to appear amiable to you that Spark look with a languishing dying Air In hopes to make you sigh by simpathy that Wit cracking his Brain to write taking Billet Deux to you or Anagrams on your Name beside Elegies after the new mode of Sir Courtly Voiture but Wits are the most dangerous company a Woman can keep they are commonly vain-glorious and bragg of more than they obtain That that vexes me most my Mother is so covetous she will let me have 〈◊〉 Cloaths but twice a year so that I am plagu'd to turn and twine them that I may not be known by them Fine cloaths have a wonderful charm with the Men and one had as good â—e ugly as ill dress'd But my Dear I 'll give you a Catalogue of my â—overs I have a young Doctor of Physick that make honourable Addresses to me for Matrimony but â— think not that an equal Maâ—ch unless I could poâ—â—son him as easily as he can me On the same pretence I have a young Counsellor of the Temple furnished with more Law than Sence and would I believe make a good Cuckold but I 'm not dispos'd that way as yet besides he may have Quirks enough in Law to chouse me out of my Jointure I have also a young Doctor of Divinity that seems to have a months mind to me and tells me he thinks me fairer than a new System or a good Benefice but I had rather have the whole Bible Apocryphal than that he should explain the Text so as to make me a spiritual Madam I have a young Merchant too new set up for himself finer than a Covent-Garden Beau and more demure than your Chamber maid he courts me not by Billet Deux but Bills of Exchange and Custom-house but I have no mind to venture my self on Bottom aree So much for my Matrimonial Pretenders I have of another sort who are all for Love and abominate the Pagan Confinement of Wedlock as a device of the Priests to get Money and destroy the free-born Joys of Love Among these is a young Lord newly arriv'd to his Honour and Estate and wants another Qualification of keeping a Mistriss with greater Grandeur than ever he will his Wise I receive his Lordship with the Air of Quality seem pleas'd with his No-Jest and blush at his Addresses but never give him any encouragement of a favourable reception on so scandalous a motion but he 's obstinate and to say Truth he is not better â—â—ock'd with Estate and Folly than with Beauty â—e's very handsom dresses well dances with an â—dmirable Grace and I should like his company at 〈◊〉 Ball in a Box in the Playhouse in the Mall or Hide Park if it were not for fear of being taâ—en for his Miss for he really makes a good figure But after all my Dear my Lord is really my Aversion he 's not at all fit for an Intrigue Next I have a Beau of Tom Vrwin's Coffeehouse a man of War he swears much fights little prays less and is an irreconcileable Enemy to Sence and Matrimony I never admit him unless when I have no other company he 's a very nauseous Fop. Next I have a Courtier fully as finical but he 's monstrously in love and protests if 't were not for the Scandal he loves me so much he could marry me he 's damn'd a thousand fathom if there be any one of the Maids of Honour comparable to me Among the rest I have an ingenious younger Brother to a certain Knight of your
me you swore a thousand Oaths 't was for love of my Person and not my Mony but you have not only broke all them but your Marriage Vow too I receiv'd a hypocritical Letter from you t'other day but I found it seal'd with another Body's Seal In short Mr Smith either reform or I protest I 'll not live with you and if you return not quickly I 'll come to Town and rout you out of your holes What tho' I am a little older than you I am amiable enough in other Eyes and if I were so minded I could revenge my self in another way but I scorn the thought on 't and only wish you could be as constant and vertuous as my self who am your faithful tho' injur'd Wife Mar. Smith This Gentleman said Winter is Wiv'd or I 'm mistaken He had his choice answer'd Brook you find by this Letter True said I Mony and Age. 'T is fit therefore pursu'd River he have his punishment for perverting the end of Matrimony that is added Summer a scold and jealous She that 's jealous said Fountain must be a scold But said Chappel I cannot understand why one of our Poets calls Iealousie the Iaâ—ndice of the Soul that Distemper holding no Analogy with it that renders the Body heavy weak and drousie Right but Iealousie pursu'd Temple makes the mind active stirring and perpetually in motion He scarce deserves pitty said Church since he cou'd expect no other when he marry'd and he that sees a Danger and will not avoid it deserves to perish in it and truly concluded Grave the speady way to ruine is such a Wife who affords no ease at home but condems her Husband torments there or the Fate of the Jews abroad rambling But here is another has a mind to venture into the Noose Here 's Love in abundance whatever there is of Wit LETTER XXII From a Dwarf to a tall Lady with whom he was in Love 'T was directed to Madam Carew at Mr. Barral's in the Pall-Mall London Madam Oxford June 1692. 'T IS not Absence which your Cruelty has commanded that can efface that lovely Image your Eyes have form'd in my faithful Bosom I have 't is true but to no purpose retir'd to Oxford to see if Books and learned men would bring me any Relief but I find Philosophy is of no power to root out a Passion that is once admitted whatever it may to defend us from an Invasion I tell you Madam Love in my Breast is with greater difficulty remov'd than Foreign Aids out of the distressed Kingdom they are call'd in to assist Love has subdued me all and I am entirely a Slave Despise not my Stature Madam for tho' my Body be dwarsish my Soul is greater than that of the six-foot-high Lover it actuates this little World with more free Agility and my Perceptions and Operations of Mind are less confin'd and clogg'd there is a â—earer correspondence betwixt my Heart the Seat of Life and Love and the other subservient parts of my Body In short I can imagine no advantage the big men have over me unless it be the damming up the nobler part of Man the Soul with a greater quantity of heavy and lumpish Clay which renders its Passions and Vertues less perfect Wit Courage and Love being all more languid in them than us Big men are very often Cowards and very seldom witty and ingenious I confine these Observations Madam to the Men since the composition and matter of a Woman is of a finer and more delicate Mould nearer a-kin to the Essence of her Soul and I venerate that quality in your self Madam it rendring you more like to Heaven since I lift up my longing Eyes to both tho' my Prayers soar no higher than your self the glorious Image of the bright Empyreal besides the difference of your Stature would demonstrate your Authority and Rule over me for I desire to be eternally your Slave Oh that your Compassion and Justice would let me sacrifice my person on the fair Altar of your lovely Bosom as I have already my Heart on those of your Eyes If Love be Merit none deserves you more and sure whatever we may the other the heav'n of Woman is gain'd by Merit Your Rigour makes me bold and vain it forces me to boast that as I deserve you better than any man so that none shall bear you from me whilst there is a Soul within the despised Body of your Faithful Slave Rob. Petite The little Gentleman said Chappel seems to be extreamly in Love tho' his descant upon tall men methinks is not so proper a Topic to a Lady that lyes under the same circumstance left she should turn it to her self But he has taken care of that answered Temple by a handsom applying the Defect in Man to a Perfection in Woman The truth on 't is said Summer his little Body seems to be well fill'd with Spirit And by his Indignation one would think pursued Brook that he had the character Statius gives of Tydeus in hismind Major in exiguo regnabat corpore virtus that is The greater Soul the lesser Body fill'd I can never blame that Assurance he expresses said I since it is not the effect of Vanity but Necessity for a Woman that slights a Lover for his Modesty is generally won by the contrary quality Right continued Winter and a man that is too sensible of his own Defects will never gain the Lady he pretends to He may well pretend said Grave to merit her when the depraved Appetite of Woman is such that she will not â—ilk the variety and extravagance of her Pleasure if an Hobgoblin were the Object had 〈◊〉 but some imperfect shape of Man or the most deform'd disguise of Body to hide the Terror of the Spirit You have always a good word for the fair Sex said Church but I can't think your Reflection just since without doubt it reaches not all that soft Comfort of Mankind That 's granted answer'd Fountain but still the merits of Form or Fancy prevails with the Sex more than those of Wit and Parts But concluded River we labouring under the same Error can't condemn them without including our selves However I wish the Merits of the Mind of this little Gentleman may prevail tho' I confess a little Husband seems to have been taken out of the side of a tall Wife and not she out of his LETTER XXIII From a young Lady that had been betray'd by Love to the Embraces of a young Gallant who had got her with Child to whom she sends this Letter to desire him to save her Honour and by some means help her to something that may cause Abortion 'T was directed to Mr. Richards at his Chamber in the Temple London My dear False one â—omfret 1692. WHY did you betray me by so many Vowâ— and Sighs to believe you lov'd me Oâ— why did you pursue my Ruin because I lov'd you â—s Mankind so strange a Creature that we cannot love
this for the last course it should be number'd 〈◊〉 among the Provocatives to Appetite Your Majesty is to understand replied the Assistant that this is their Food which serves for all Beginnings of their Feasts There are other Places presented by the same Nation which are to be serv'd up at the changes of every course These are the Spanish Books many in number but few that have any substance they carry like Radishes a great Periwig of Leaves in a surplusage of ill-composed words but underneath appears nothing but the Head of a Winter-Radish without any Brains Or 〈◊〉 any one has any thing of a sharpness that bites 〈◊〉 so unfavoury as not to be eaten without Salt 〈◊〉 'em be set upon a Muck-hill said Apollo and 〈◊〉 upon a Table which is to be crowned with so many Princes There followed in order not to give disgust iâ— point of precedency an Olla podrida of Books that come from Spain worthy of great esteem but the confusion of Learning and prittle prattle buries thâ—â— good Substance in undistinguishable 〈…〉 many times creates a naâ—feating before you 〈◊〉 ' em 'T is good Food cried Apollo but not 〈◊〉 appear upon a Table of Delicacies To these succeeded certain French Soops very delicate indeed but overcharg'd with the 〈◊〉 of Vain words out of which you fish'd some Soppâ—â— of ordinary Conceits but you were not suffer'd 〈◊〉 fish in the main Sea to pyrate any thing of 〈◊〉 Nevertheless they were not rejected by Apollo being such things as would please some mens Appetites And some there were who having the 〈◊〉 of diving to the bottom would fish up somethinâ— that pleased their Tasts which others never 〈◊〉 any notice of At a little Table apart behind these stood a High German who had dish'd up a great number of several sorts of Pottage upon which Apollo in a kind of chase cried out Surely this fellow thinks we are in a Convent of Franciscans With submission to your Majesty said the Assistant this is a Nation that knows not how to make any thing that is good and therefore their sole profession is to be drunk Let him herd with the Scullions in the Kitchin replied his Majesty he 'l make a Cook good enough for them So saying he passed on to view a great Table â—â—â—ll of several Pies at what time the Assistant taking notice that he wonder'd at the number These said he are Romances of the learned Italians which under the Covert of simple Paste included the solid Substance of hidden wisdom in fabulous Dress and this sort of Writing has acquired so â—reat a Reputation that it is now the business of every Tuscan Writer Apollo curious to penetrate into the nature of these Pies and to measure their Encomiums and Condemnations by the Rule of Reason caus'd some to be cut up but more especially one which outwardly made a shew but receiv'd the principal Credit which it hâ—d from the Person that presented it and assigning it for a singular Dainty exalted it above all the rest his Majesty thought to have found some most delicate Ingredient not knowing the Person to be no less vain-glorious than ignorant but the Meat within it was only Beef which felt so hard at first that it might have been easily taken for a piece of an old Bull. The Arrogance of the Person provok'd Apollo to that degree that he caus'd the Pye Pye-plate and all to be thrown away and the Cook to be punish'd for his Presumption Here is another piece of Beef of the same sort quoth the Assistant Let 'em both replied his Majesty be given to the Hoggs His Majesty was curious to see the Intrails of another which shewing withoutside the Head Tail and Wings of a Partridge made him believe that the Fowl within was a precious Bit but he was much deceiv'd for the inside contain'd no more than Fish How cry'd Apollo what means this fellow to promise us a Bird and give us Fish These said the Assistant are a sort of people that promise in their Romances Historical Truth and good Sence to vant themselves men of great wit But after all are discover'd to be full of Fables and Parabolical Mishmashes wherein if there be any one particular Truth it changes both its Substance and its Nature There was another which made a great shew but with several Lidds one above another of Episodis and fiddle-faddles so that there was hardly any coming to see what was in it But at last they made a shift to cut it up and found it so full of Abstrusâ— Conceits that Apollo order'd it to be made up into Pellets to feed his Ostridges Apollo by this time cloy'd with so many Pyes the goodness of which lay all in a Crust slightly 〈◊〉 over the rest when there was one that presented self to his view of a more curious form than the rest neatly garnish'd and set out and having all the sigâ—â— of good seasoning and exactness of Cookery Presently he order'd it to be cut up and found it 〈◊〉 within with Marrow and I know not what sort 〈◊〉 Brains These are delicate Morsels indeed said his Majesty but which are buried in a very great Coffâ—â— considering the smallness of the quantity However I cannot admire that having put all the Brains withinside he knew not how to make use of ' â—â— without In short of all that were upon this Tâ—ble he made choice for his own of no other thaâ— some few small Ielly-pyes wherein the variety Sawces in a small compass concluded in a good savour From hence he went to visit the Preparations of the Butchers Meat where he found little satisfaction for the boil'd Meats were altogether insipid and so black as if they had been in Mourning for the deceased Merits of the persons that cook'd ' em They were so homely and slovenly order'd as if they had been drest for Beggarr all the Products of Ignorance not fit for the Grandees of Parnassus Among the rest there was a stately Capon or at least one that had been such but so cook'd that Apollo shrug'd up his Shoulders to see the simplicity of the Cook This said the Assistant is a Book of Histories which according to the Rules of a new Reformer are oblig'd to make a shew of such a perfect naâ—edness that you are allow'd no Salt for fear they should lose their unsavoriness Away with these Pâ—â—ants said his Majesty publishers of new Reformations they must not think to introduce such Disorders to the public detriment because they know not how to season their own Writings as they should do Is it seemly that dry unsavoury Meat fit only for Broom-men and Chair-mtnders should be brought to the Tables of great Personages and tow'ring Wits After this there was a Duck I will not say burâ—ed but rather engulph'd under a Mountain of Onions and certainly he stood in need of his natural Qua Qua to let ye know where he was otherwise it had been impossible
Passengers that had like to have been cast away at Sea p. 208 Let. LXXIII From a Lady in the Country to another in Town about the Fashions p. 210 Let. LXXIV From a vain-glorious Man boasting of some of his good Actions p. 212 Let. LXXV From a Gentleman giving an account of the Enmity and Disagreement of Poets and Authors with one another p. 214 Let. LXXVI Giving an Account of a Funeral p. 216 Let. LXXVII From a young Student about an Apparition p. 217 Let. LXXVIII From a Gentleman to a Fop that desired to know how he should Salute and Complement his Mistress p. 222 Let. LXXIX From a Husband to his Wife against absence p. 224 Let. LXXX In answer to a Letter of Praise Directed to Mr. Brook one of the Gentlemen concern'd in robbing the Post. p. 226 Let. LXXXI From a Chymist that had ruin'd himself by it to a Gentleman to perswade him to Chymistry p. 228 Let. LXXXII From one that had stolen a Marriage giving an Account of Honey-moon c. p. 230 Let. LXXXIII From an Hermophrodite to a Female Lover p. 232 Let. LXXXIV From a Lady to know the meaning of a Prophesie she had found in a Parchment p. 234 Let. LXXXV From a Bawd to a Iustice's Clerk p. 235 Let. LXXXVI To a Maid that was to manage an Intreague with the Mistress p. 237 Let. LXXXVII From a poor Scholar in answer to one that invited him to London complaining of the small regard that 's had to Learning there p. 239 Let. LXXXVIII From an old Maid Directed to Mr. Nicols at the Sign of the Sugar-Loaf in Tower-street London p. 242 Let. LXXXIX From a Doctor of Trinity-Colledge Cambridge to a Gentleman to perswade him to neglect the vulgar Sollicitudes to a busie Life to raise to himself a Name hereafter p. 244 Let. XC Of Consolation to one that grieved very much for the Death of his Wife p. 246 Let. XCI From a Gentleman justifying his much praising his Friends 'T was directed to Mr. Chappel another of the Gentlemen concerned in robbing of the Post. p. 248 Let. XCII From a young Lady to her Gallant to whom she had yielded and who was still Constant. p. 250 Let. XCIII Of Recommendation Directed to Captain Naâ—eby to be left for him at Tom Urwin's Coffee-house in Russel-street near Covent-Garden London p. 251 Let. XCIV From a French Dancing-Master to one of his Scholars Directed to Mr. Croftsman to be left at his Chamber in the Temple p. 253 Let. XCV To a Friend in Town who had promised to come and eat some of his Country Fare at a certain time p. 255 Let. XCVI Advising his Friend to turn Quack 'T was directed to Mr. Stone 's to be left for him at the Pye Coffee-house in Drury-Lane London p. 257 Let. XCVII From a Gentleman in Town to his Friend in the Country complaining of the Spungers that thrust themselves into his Company p. 259 Let. XCVIII From a Country Parson to his Friend in London that desir'd him to write an Elegy for Nothing upon the Death of one of his Relations that died and left him a good Estate p. 261 Let. XCIX From a Lover to his Mistress in absence 'T was directed to Madam Winton at Mr. Glassrock's in St. Mary Ax London p. 266 Let. C. From a Robber to his Comrade that had wrong'd him of part of his Share 'T was directed to Mr. N to be left for him at the C. TA c. p. 270 Let. CI. From one Friend to another in Answer to a Letter that upbraided him with a Service done in Bailing him for Debt which he had not discharg'd p. 270 Let. CII From a Gentleman who confessing the Unconstancy of his Temper desires to know how he may attain a Stability of his Wishes p. 273 Let. CIII To a Member of the Athenian Society Directed to Mr. S to be left for him at Smith's Coffee-house in the Stocks-Market London p. 275 The whole Company concern'd in the Frolick Retire to Dinner p. 276 BOOK II. AFter Dinner was ended some of the Company steal away to the Summer-house to proceed in their Enquiries being impatient of Diversion from it leaving behind 'em the rest of their Comrades carousing of it with some of Summer's Acquaintance that came to visit him p. 277 Let. CIII From a Bawd that desires a Habitation for the Exercise of her Profession This was the first Letter they lighted on after they were reseated p. 278 Let. CIV From a Iesuit who confesses the Errors of his own Order 'T was directed to Father P 's at his Lodgings in Abbleville 280 Let. CV Against the Nuns 'T was direected to Mr. Geber at his House in Finch Lane London 284 Let. CVI. Against the Vices of the French Court p. 290 Let. CVII Giving an Account of an amorous Intreague at Luca. p. 296 Let. CIX From a Conceited Scrivener 'T was directed to my L S in Sohoe-Square 299 Let. CX From a morose Gentleman exposing the Frailties of Women p. 301 Let. CXI Containing Instructions for the Choice of a Mistress p. 309 Let. CXII In Defence of Cuckolds 'T was directed to Mr. Remford at his House in Dover With Speed p. 316 Let. CXIII From a Lady that disswades her Friend from the Love of Men. 'T was directed to Madam Emet at her House in Chelsea p. 321 Let. CXIV Relating the Qualities of the Venetian Curtesans p. 325 Let. CXV Of Impertinencies to the purpose 'T was directed to Mr. Kaford Merchant in London p. 329 Let. CXVI Being an amorous Letter of a Lady 'T was directed to Mr. Parmed at his House in Queen-street p. 334 Let. CXVII Of a Mother that gives Documents to her Daughter 'T was directed to Mrs. T at the Crown Coffee-house near the Blew Cross in Venice p. 337 Let. CXVIII Being an amorous Letter to a Lady 'T was directed to Madam Reddridge at her House in Clerken-well-green p. 343 Let. CXIX Being a Letter in Burlesque 'T was directed to Mr. Paford at 〈◊〉 Three Pidgeons in Thames-street p. 34â— Let. CXX Containing Instructions how to drive a good Trade p. 348 Let. CXXI Containing Instructions for the bringing up young Boys 'T was directed to Mr. Whitchurch at his House in Clement's Lane p. 353 Let. CXXII Containing several Accidents which happen'd to a young Man in Rome p. 357 Let. CXXIII From a Thief in Paris 'T was directed to Thomas Rybert to be left for him at the Post-house in Harwich till call'd for 368 Temple Church Fountain and Winter c. having parted with Summer's Friends return to their old Comrades in the Garden p. 369 Let. CXXIV Of amorous Accidents 'T was directed to the most Illustrious Knight Sir Henry at his House near Abbots Action in Bucks p. 371 Let. CXXV Upon the Custom of paying Harlots 'T was directed to Mr. Ralfe Banford at his House in Uxbridge 377 Let. CXXVI From an Advocate to his Friend 'T was directed to Mr. Sliford at his House in Canterbury p. 381