most_o tragic_a issue_n our_o bless_a lord_n have_v inform_v his_o disciple_n that_o they_o shall_v weep_v and_o lament_v but_o the_o world_n shall_v rejoice_v that_o they_o shall_v be_v sorrowful_a but_o their_o sorrow_n shall_v be_v turn_v into_o joy_n and_o their_o joy_n no_o man_n shall_v take_v from_o they_o but_o the_o wicked_a be_v drive_v away_o in_o his_o wickedness_n before_o the_o pot_n can_v feel_v the_o thorn_n god_n shall_v take_v they_o away_o as_o with_o a_o whirlwind_n both_o live_a and_o in_o his_o wrath_n thy_o soul-friend_n and_o servant_n for_o jesus_n sake_n london_n feb._n 3._o 1681._o satan_n method_n and_o malice_n baffle_v etc._n etc._n i_o hannah_n allen_n the_o late_a wife_n of_o hannibal_n allen_n merchant_n be_v bear_v of_o religious_a parent_n my_o father_n be_v mr._n john_n archer_n of_o snelston_n in_o derbyshire_n who_o take_v to_o wife_n the_o daughter_n of_o mr._n william_n hart_n of_o vttoxeter_n woodland_n in_o stafford-shire_n who_o bring_v i_o up_o in_o the_o fear_n of_o god_n from_o my_o childhood_n and_o about_o twelve_o year_n of_o age_n for_o my_o better_a education_n send_v i_o up_o to_o london_n in_o the_o year_n 1650_o to_o my_o father_n sister_n mrs._n ann_n wilson_n the_o wife_n of_o mr._n samuel_n wilson_n merchant_n then_o live_v in_o aldermanburic_n and_o after_o some_o time_n spend_v there_o and_o at_o school_n i_o be_v not_o well_o in_o health_n have_v a_o desire_n to_o go_v down_o for_o a_o time_n to_o my_o mother_n be_v a_o widow_n my_o father_n die_v when_o i_o be_v very_o young_a where_o i_o stay_v almost_o two_o year_n in_o which_o time_n and_o a_o little_a before_o my_o go_v down_o it_o please_v god_n to_o work_v in_o i_o earnest_a breathe_n after_o the_o way_n of_o god_n but_o the_o enemy_n of_o my_o soul_n strive_v to_o crush_v such_o hopeful_a beginning_n in_o the_o bud_n cast_v in_o horrible_a blasphemous_a thought_n and_o injection_n into_o my_o mind_n insomuch_o that_o i_o be_v seldom_o free_a day_n or_o night_n unless_o when_o dead_a sleep_n be_v upon_o i_o but_o i_o use_v to_o argue_v with_o myself_o to_o this_o purpose_n whether_o if_o i_o have_v a_o servant_n that_o i_o know_v love_v i_o and_o desire_v in_o all_o thing_n to_o please_v i_o and_o yet_o be_v so_o force_v against_o his_o will_n to_o do_v that_o which_o be_v contrary_a to_o my_o mind_n whether_o i_o will_v think_v ever_o the_o worse_a of_o he_o see_v i_o know_v what_o he_o do_v be_v to_o his_o grief_n and_o by_o such_o thought_n as_o these_o it_o please_v god_n to_o give_v i_o some_o support_v wherein_o his_o goodness_n do_v the_o more_o appear_v in_o cast_v such_o thought_n into_o my_o mind_n i_o be_v young_a and_o also_o bear_v this_o burden_n alone_o not_o so_o much_o as_o acquaint_v my_o mother_n with_o it_o but_o by_o degree_n these_o temptation_n grow_v to_o that_o height_n that_o i_o be_v persuade_v i_o have_v sin_v the_o unpardonable_a sin_n with_o these_o dreadful_a temptation_n i_o private_o conflict_v for_o some_o month_n not_o reveal_v it_o as_o i_o say_v to_o any_o one_o think_v with_o myself_o that_o never_o any_o be_v like_o i_o and_o therefore_o be_v loath_a to_o make_v my_o condition_n know_v i_o will_v often_o in_o my_o thought_n wish_v i_o may_v change_v condition_n with_o the_o vile_a person_n i_o can_v think_v of_o conclude_v there_o be_v hope_n for_o they_o though_o not_o for_o i_o that_o scripture_n in_o the_o 57_o of_o isa_n the_o two_o last_o verse_n do_v exceed_o terrify_v i_o but_o the_o wicked_a be_v like_o the_o trouble_a sea_n when_o it_o can_v rest_v who_o water_n cast_v up_o mire_n and_o dirt_n there_o be_v no_o peace_n to_o the_o wicked_a say_v my_o god_n in_o this_o sad_a and_o perplex_a state_n upon_o a_o sabbath_n day_n my_o mother_n have_v be_v read_v in_o the_o family_n in_o one_o of_o bless_a mr._n bolton_n book_n and_o be_v ready_a to_o go_v with_o they_o to_o church_n i_o think_v with_o myself_o to_o what_o purpose_n shall_v i_o go_v to_o hear_v the_o word_n since_o as_o i_o think_v all_o mean_n whatsoever_o for_o the_o good_a of_o my_o soul_n be_v in_o vain_a but_o the_o same_o time_n i_o careless_o turn_v over_o mr._n bolton_n book_n as_o it_o lay_v on_o the_o table_n light_v on_o a_o place_n that_o direct_o treat_v on_o my_o case_n which_o it_o please_v god_n so_o to_o bless_v that_o i_o be_v so_o much_o comfort_v and_o strengthen_v that_o i_o recover_v for_o that_o time_n from_o my_o despair_v condition_n and_o so_o continue_v for_o several_a year_n with_o good_a hope_n of_o the_o love_n of_o god_n in_o christ_n towards_o i_o yet_o still_o continual_o assault_v with_o temptation_n but_o with_o less_o violence_n than_o before_o after_o my_o abode_n in_o the_o country_n almost_o two_o year_n with_o my_o mother_n i_o return_v to_o london_n to_o my_o uncle_n and_o aunt_n wilson_n by_o who_o about_o a_o year_n and_o four_o month_n after_o i_o be_v dispose_v of_o in_o marriage_n to_o mr._n hannibal_n allen_n but_o still_o live_v with_o my_o uncle_n and_o aunt_n wilson_n till_o after_o my_o uncle_n die_v and_o be_v about_o this_o time_n admit_v to_o the_o sacrament_n by_o mr._n calamy_n with_o good_a approbation_n and_o in_o the_o time_n of_o his_o life_n i_o be_v frequent_o exercise_v with_o variety_n of_o temptation_n wherein_o the_o devil_n have_v the_o more_o advantage_n i_o be_v much_o incline_v to_o melancholy_a occasion_v by_o the_o oft_o absence_n of_o my_o dear_a and_o affectionate_a husband_n with_o who_o i_o live_v present_a and_o absent_a about_o eight_o year_n and_o soon_o after_o he_o go_v his_o last_o voyage_n i_o go_v into_o the_o country_n to_o live_v with_o my_o aunt_n wilson_n who_o be_v now_o a_o widow_n and_o return_v to_o live_v at_o snelston_n with_o my_o age_a mother_n she_o be_v marry_v again_o and_o live_v elsewhere_o but_o in_o few_o month_n after_o i_o hear_v of_o the_o death_n of_o my_o husband_n for_o he_o die_v beyond_o sea_n i_o begin_v to_o fall_v into_o deep_a melancholy_n and_o no_o soon_o do_v this_o black_a humour_n begin_v to_o darken_v my_o soul_n but_o the_o devil_n set_v on_o with_o his_o former_a temptation_n which_o at_o first_o be_v with_o less_o violence_n and_o frequent_a intermission_n but_o yet_o with_o great_a struggle_n and_o fight_n within_o i_o as_o i_o will_v express_v it_o to_o my_o aunt_n i_o be_o just_a as_o if_o two_o be_v fight_v within_o i_o but_o i_o trust_v the_o devil_n will_v never_o be_v able_a to_o overcome_v i_o then_o i_o will_v repeat_v several_a promise_n suitable_a to_o my_o condition_n and_o read_v over_o my_o former_a experience_n that_o i_o have_v write_v down_o as_o be_v hereafter_o express_v and_o obligation_n that_o i_o have_v lay_v upon_o myself_o in_o the_o presence_n of_o god_n and_o will_v say_v aunt_n i_o hope_v i_o write_v not_o these_o thing_n in_o hypocrisy_n i_o never_o intend_v any_o eye_n shall_v see_v they_o but_o the_o devil_n sugge_v dreadful_a thing_n to_o i_o against_o god_n and_o that_o i_o be_o a_o hypocrite_n at_o the_o first_o i_o begin_v to_o complain_v that_o i_o find_v not_o that_o comfort_n and_o refreshment_n in_o prayer_n as_o i_o be_v wont_a to_o do_v and_o that_o god_n withdraw_v his_o comfort_v and_o quicken_a presence_n from_o i_o when_o i_o have_v see_v the_o bible_n i_o will_v say_v oh_o that_o bless_a book_n that_o i_o so_o delight_v in_o once_o the_o devil_n be_v strong_o assault_v my_o faith_n and_o i_o seem_v ready_a to_o be_v overcome_v i_o answer_v the_o tempter_n within_o myself_o in_o the_o bitterness_n of_o my_o spirit_n well_o if_o i_o perish_v god_n must_v deny_v himself_o see_v the_o difference_n betwixt_o the_o voice_n of_o faith_n and_o the_o language_n of_o despair_n at_o another_o time_n i_o can_v be_v save_v because_o god_n can_v deny_v himself_o the_o truth_n be_v it_o have_v be_v most_o of_o all_o worth_a the_o publish_v my_o expression_n in_o the_o time_n of_o my_o combat_v with_o satan_n at_o the_o begin_n of_o my_o affliction_n but_o those_o passage_n be_v most_o of_o all_o forget_v one_o hour_n my_o hope_n be_v firm_a and_o the_o next_o hour_n ready_a to_o be_v overwhelm_v this_o begin_v in_o feb._n 63._o but_o it_o grow_v worse_a and_o worse_o upon_o i_o notwithstanding_o such_o mean_n be_v use_v both_o by_o physic_n and_o journey_n to_o several_a friend_n for_o diversion_n the_o last_o journey_n i_o take_v upon_o this_o account_n be_v to_o a_o good_a friend_n of_o i_o a_o minister_n mr._n john_n shorthose_n who_o be_v relate_v to_o i_o by_o marriage_n who_o live_v about_o thirty_o mile_n distance_n where_o i_o still_o grow_v much_o worse_o and_o my_o continual_a course_n there_o be_v to_o be_v ask_v he_o
question_n whether_o the_o truth_n of_o grace_n can_v consist_v with_o such_o sin_n for_o than_o i_o begin_v to_o fear_v i_o be_v a_o hypocrite_n and_o that_o place_n i_o think_v upon_o with_o much_o dread_n in_o job_n viij_o 13._o the_o hypocrite_n hope_n shall_v perish_v nor_o have_v i_o any_o ease_n long_o than_o i_o be_v thus_o discourse_v with_o he_o for_o though_o he_o often_o silence_v my_o objection_n and_o i_o seem_v for_o the_o present_a to_o be_v much_o satisfy_v yet_o he_o be_v no_o soon_o go_v from_o i_o but_o my_o trouble_n return_v afresh_o insomuch_o that_o his_o wife_n will_v often_o send_v for_o he_o home_o when_o he_o be_v but_o go_v into_o the_o field_n while_o i_o be_v there_o the_o devil_n will_v suggest_v something_o to_o this_o purpose_n to_o i_o that_o when_o i_o be_v go_v from_o he_o he_o will_v torment_v i_o after_o some_o stay_n there_o i_o return_v home_o again_o where_o quick_o i_o begin_v to_o grow_v into_o deep_a despair_n it_o be_v my_o custom_n for_o several_a year_n before_o to_o write_v in_o a_o book_n i_o keep_v for_o that_o purpose_n in_o shorthand_n the_o promise_n together_o with_o my_o temptation_n and_o other_o affliction_n and_o my_o experience_n how_o god_n deliver_v i_o out_o of_o they_o mix_v therewith_o prayer_n and_o praise_n which_o practice_n i_o continue_v till_o i_o be_v overwhelm_v with_o despair_n some_o few_o passage_n whereof_o be_v here_o insert_v as_o they_o be_v write_v in_o my_o deep_a distress_n this_o book_n in_o my_o affliction_n i_o will_v oft_o say_v will_v rise_v up_o in_o judgement_n against_o i_o as_o i_o be_v walk_v with_o my_o cousin_n mrs._n shorthose_n a_o woman_n curse_a and_o swear_v sad_o ah_o cousin_n say_v i_o i_o have_v abhor_v such_o company_n all_o my_o life_n therefore_o i_o hope_v they_o shall_v not_o be_v my_o companion_n to_o eternity_n this_o be_v the_o 20_o feb._n 63._o be_v a_o time_n of_o great_a trouble_n and_o bitter_a melancholy_n and_o one_o great_a cause_n be_v for_o want_v of_o the_o light_n of_o god_n countenance_n and_o for_o fear_v that_o if_o i_o shall_v have_v any_o mercy_n show_v i_o i_o shall_v abuse_v it_o and_o my_o wretched_o deceitful_a heart_n be_v draw_v aside_o from_o god_n for_o i_o be_o only_o fit_a for_o the_o school_n of_o affliction_n and_o on_o the_o other_o hand_n if_o god_n shall_v send_v some_o further_a trial_n i_o shall_v sink_v under_o they_o and_o my_o life_n be_v make_v a_o burden_n to_o i_o but_o lord_n sure_o this_o be_v the_o voice_n of_o my_o wretched_a unbelieve_a heart_n the_o lord_n for_o christ_n sake_n fit_v i_o for_o what_o ever_o thou_o will_v do_v with_o i_o that_o i_o may_v have_v power_n again_o sin_n and_o satan_n and_o enjoy_v the_o light_n of_o thy_o countenance_n and_o then_o do_v with_o i_o what_o thou_o will_v oh_o that_o i_o may_v prevail_v with_o my_o lord_n for_o christ_n sake_n for_o grace_n suitable_a to_o every_o condition_n and_o that_o i_o may_v be_v able_a to_o improve_v every_o mercy_n and_o every_o affliction_n to_o thy_o glory_n and_o the_o comfort_n of_o my_o poor_a soul_n and_o that_o i_o may_v be_v useful_a in_o my_o generation_n and_o not_o be_v burdensome_a lord_n pity_v my_o state_n for_o christ_n sake_n who_o have_v never_o leave_v i_o in_o my_o trial_n the_o six_o of_o april_n 64._o the_o truth_n be_v i_o know_v not_o well_o what_o to_o say_v for_o as_o yet_o i_o be_o under_o sad_a melancholy_n and_o sometime_o dreadful_a temptation_n to_o have_v hard_a thought_n of_o my_o dear_a lord_n the_o least_o assent_v to_o which_o by_o his_o grace_n i_o dread_v more_o than_o hell_n itself_o temptation_n to_o impatience_n and_o despair_n and_o to_o give_v up_o all_o for_o lose_v and_o to_o close_v with_o the_o devil_n and_o forsake_v my_o god_n which_o the_o almighty_a for_o christ_n sake_n forbid_v these_o temptation_n be_v with_o dreadful_a violence_n beside_o my_o melancholy_n have_v bad_a effect_n upon_o my_o body_n great_o impair_n my_o health_n true_o there_o be_v sometime_o such_o a_o woeful_a confusion_n and_o combat_v in_o my_o soul_n that_o i_o know_v not_o what_o to_o do_v and_o now_o my_o earnest_a prayer_n to_o my_o lord_n be_v this_o which_o i_o trust_v for_o christ_n sake_n he_o will_v not_o deny_v i_o though_o i_o can_v beg_v it_o with_o such_o earnest_a affection_n as_o i_o shall_v yet_o i_o hope_v my_o heart_n be_v sincere_a that_o for_o my_o sweet_a redeemer_n sake_n he_o will_v preserve_v i_o from_o sin_n and_o give_v i_o strength_n of_o faith_n and_o self-denial_n and_o patience_n to_o wait_v upon_o he_o and_o submit_v to_o he_o and_o let_v he_o do_v with_o i_o what_o he_o please_v my_o god_n i_o know_v thou_o have_v for_o ever_o adore_v be_v thy_o majesty_n appear_v for_o i_o in_o many_o great_a and_o sore_a strait_n for_o the_o lord_n jesus_n sake_n now_o appear_v in_o mercy_n for_o i_o that_o i_o may_v have_v exceed_v cause_n to_o bless_v thou_o for_o this_o thy_o mercy_n also_o and_o give_v i_o a_o assurance_n that_o thou_o be_v i_o and_o that_o thou_o will_v never_o leave_v i_o till_o thou_o have_v bring_v i_o to_o thyself_o in_o glory_n the_o 12_o of_o may_n 64._o still_o my_o time_n of_o great_a distress_n and_o sore_a trial_n continue_v sometime_o the_o devil_n tempt_v i_o woeful_o to_o hard_a and_o strange_a thought_n of_o my_o dear_a lord_n which_o through_o his_o mercy_n i_o dread_v and_o abhor_v the_o assent_v to_o more_o than_o hell_n itself_o in_o a_o word_n every_o day_n at_o present_a seem_v a_o great_a burden_n to_o i_o my_o earnest_a prayer_n be_v for_o the_o lord_n sake_n that_o if_o it_o be_v thy_o holy_a will_n i_o may_v not_o perish_v in_o this_o great_a affliction_n which_o have_v be_v of_o so_o long_a continuance_n and_o be_v so_o great_a still_o notwithstanding_o mean_v use_v however_o for_o the_o lord_n sake_n let_v it_o be_v sanctify_v to_o my_o eternal_a good_a and_o give_v i_o grace_v suitable_a to_o my_o condition_n and_o strength_n to_o bear_v my_o burden_n and_o then_o do_v with_o i_o what_o thou_o will_v i_o know_v not_o what_o to_o say_v the_o lord_n pity_v i_o in_o every_o respect_n and_o appear_v for_o i_o in_o these_o my_o great_a strait_n both_o of_o soul_n and_o body_n i_o know_v not_o what_o to_o do_v i_o shall_v be_v undo_v this_o i_o write_v to_o see_v what_o god_n will_v do_v with_o i_o whether_o ever_o he_o will_v deliver_v i_o out_o of_o such_o a_o distress_n as_o this_o that_o i_o may_v have_v cause_n to_o praise_v and_o adore_v his_o name_n in_o the_o land_n of_o the_o live_n lord_n comfort_v i_o and_o support_v i_o and_o revive_v i_o for_o christ_n sake_n may_n 26_o 64._o i_o desire_v which_o the_o lord_n help_v i_o to_o do_v exceed_o to_o bless_v and_o praise_v thy_o majesty_n that_o have_v yet_o in_o some_o measure_n support_v i_o under_o these_o dreadful_a trial_n and_o temptation_n which_o do_v yet_o continue_v and_o have_v be_v woeful_a upon_o i_o for_o almost_o four_o month_n together_o for_o christ_n sake_n pity_v my_o case_n or_o else_o i_o know_v not_o what_o to_o do_v and_o do_v not_o deny_v i_o strength_n to_o bear_v up_o under_o my_o burden_n and_o for_o the_o lord_n sake_n grant_v whatever_o thou_o do_v with_o i_o that_o one_o sin_n may_v not_o be_v in_o i_o unrepented_a of_o or_o unmortified_a do_v with_o i_o what_o thou_o will_v as_o to_o the_o creature_n so_o thou_o will_v subdue_v my_o sin_n and_o chain_n up_o satan_n and_o smile_v upon_o my_o soul_n lord_n i_o know_v not_o what_o to_o do_v only_o my_o eye_n be_v up_o to_o thou_o the_o devil_n still_o keep_v i_o under_o dreadful_a bondage_n and_o in_o sad_a distress_n and_o woe_n but_o bless_v be_v my_o god_n that_o he_o do_v not_o lay_v upon_o i_o all_o affliction_n at_o once_o that_o my_o child_n be_v so_o well_o and_o that_o i_o have_v so_o many_o other_o mercy_n which_o the_o lord_n open_v my_o eye_n to_o see_v especial_o that_o christ_n be_v i_o for_o the_o lord_n sake_n and_o then_o i_o have_v enough_o after_o this_o i_o write_v no_o more_o but_o this_o and_o much_o more_o i_o write_v before_o my_o last_o journey_n aforesaid_a for_o by_o that_o time_n i_o come_v back_o i_o soon_o after_o fell_a into_o deep_a despair_n and_o my_o language_n and_o condition_n grow_v sad_a than_o before_o now_o little_a to_o be_v hear_v from_o i_o but_o lament_v my_o woeful_a state_n in_o very_o sad_a and_o dreadful_a expression_n as_o that_o i_o be_v undo_v for_o ever_o that_o i_o be_v worse_a than_o cain_n or_o judas_n that_o now_o the_o devil_n have_v overcome_v i_o irrecoverable_o that_o this_o be_v what_o he_o have_v be_v aim_v at_o all_o along_o oh_o
aim_n be_v to_o make_v away_o myself_o just_a before_o the_o time_n come_v for_o i_o think_v i_o have_v better_o go_v to_o hell_n soon_o than_o hear_v the_o word_n still_o and_o thereby_o increase_v my_o torment_n and_o heap_v up_o wrath_n against_o the_o day_n of_o wrath_n as_o i_o often_o express_v it_o i_o will_v sometime_o say_v to_o my_o cousin_n walker_n will_v you_o not_o pity_v i_o that_o must_v as_o sure_o as_o that_o there_o be_v a_o god_n for_o ever_o burn_v in_o hell_n i_o must_v confess_v i_o be_o not_o to_o be_v pity_v for_o do_v you_o know_v i_o you_o will_v abhor_v i_o and_o say_v hell_n be_v too_o good_a for_o i_o yet_o however_o pity_v i_o as_o i_o be_o your_o fellow-creature_n and_o once_o think_v myself_o not_o only_o a_o woman_n but_o a_o christian_a and_o though_o i_o be_v such_o a_o dreadful_a wretch_n as_o now_o it_o appear_v yet_o i_o do_v not_o know_v it_o i_o very_o think_v myself_o in_o a_o good_a condition_n and_o when_o you_o see_v i_o come_v to_o my_o horrible_a end_n which_o i_o be_o sure_a will_v be_v ere_o long_o though_o you_o must_v loathe_v i_o yet_o i_o say_v pity_v i_o yes_o he_o will_v say_v if_o i_o think_v it_o be_v true_a i_o will_v pity_v you_o but_o i_o do_v not_o believe_v it_o i_o use_v to_o say_v god_n can_v not_o save_v i_o and_o the_o reason_n i_o give_v be_v that_o god_n can_v not_o deny_v himself_o i_o find_v within_o myself_o as_o i_o apprehend_v a_o scorn_v and_o jeer_v at_o religion_n and_o they_o that_o profess_v it_o and_o a_o despise_n of_o they_o when_o i_o come_v to_o the_o height_n of_o my_o distemper_n the_o struggle_a and_o fight_v that_o be_v in_o i_o continual_o at_o first_o while_o i_o combat_v with_o satan_n leave_v i_o when_o i_o complain_v how_o vile_a i_o be_v my_o friend_n will_v tell_v i_o it_o be_v not_o i_o but_o the_o devil_n temptation_n i_o will_v answer_v no_o it_o be_v from_o myself_o i_o be_o the_o devil_n now_o the_o devil_n have_v now_o do_v his_o work_n he_o have_v do_v tempt_v of_o i_o he_o have_v utter_o overcome_v i_o then_o why_o be_v you_o so_o trouble_a will_v some_o say_v i_o will_v answer_v have_v i_o not_o cause_n to_o be_v trouble_v think_v you_o that_o be_o assure_o give_v up_o to_o the_o devil_n and_o eternal_o damn_a i_o will_v write_v in_o several_a place_n on_o the_o wall_n with_o the_o point_n of_o my_o scissors_n woe_n woe_n woe_n and_o alas_o to_o all_o eternity_n i_o be_o undo_v undo_v for_o ever_o so_o as_o never_o any_o be_v before_o i_o upon_o some_o sudden_a occasion_n i_o will_v sometime_o smile_v but_o when_o i_o do_v i_o will_v exceed_o check_v myself_o and_o be_v the_o more_o trouble_v afterward_o mr._n walker_n endeavour_v to_o get_v mr._n baxter_n to_o come_v to_o i_o but_o he_o still_o miss_v of_o he_o when_o he_o come_v to_o town_n no_o say_v i_o god_n will_v not_o let_v mr._n baxter_n come_v to_o such_o a_o wretch_n as_o i_o be_o but_o i_o have_v then_o a_o secret_a desire_n to_o see_v he_o rather_o than_o any_o one_o else_o and_o to_o my_o best_a remembrance_n my_o cousin_n walker_n tell_v i_o that_o he_o ask_v i_o if_o i_o will_v believe_v better_o of_o myself_o if_o mr._n baxter_n tell_v i_o my_o condition_n be_v safe_a and_o that_o i_o answer_v yes_o when_o another_o christian_a friend_n mr._n mason_n bring_v i_o acquaint_v with_o any_o of_o god_n people_n i_o will_v say_v alas_o mr._n mason_n you_o will_v dear_o repent_v this_o and_o how_o must_v i_o curse_v you_o in_o hell_n for_o all_o that_o you_o do_v in_o kindness_n to_o i_o what_o be_v here_o write_v of_o mr._n blake_n and_o mr._n mason_n be_v but_o to_o hint_n what_o may_v be_v say_v of_o my_o carriage_n towards_o they_o the_o next_o spring_n which_o be_v in_o may_n 1665._o my_o aunt_n wilson_n come_v up_o to_o london_n be_v restless_a in_o her_o mind_n till_o she_o see_v i_o when_o i_o hear_v that_o my_o aunt_n be_v come_v to_o highgate_n to_o her_o brother_n house_n and_o do_v not_o come_v to_o london_n till_o monday_n i_o often_o say_v i_o hope_v to_o have_v see_v my_o aunt_n before_o i_o die_v but_o now_o i_o shall_v not_o this_o fire_n within_o i_o will_v kindle_v and_o burn_v i_o before_o monday_n on_o monday_n my_o aunt_n come_v i_o be_v take_v with_o the_o first_o sight_n of_o she_o go_v with_o she_o to_o dinner_n to_o a_o friend_n house_n in_o the_o old-jury_n she_o mr._n hat_n house_n who_o afterward_o marry_v she_o but_o be_v at_o my_o old_a language_n still_o every_o day_n that_o the_o fire_n will_v kindle_v within_o i_o and_o burn_v i_o the_o sickness_n then_o increase_a my_o aunt_n resolve_v to_o take_v i_o down_o again_o into_o the_o country_n which_o i_o be_v very_o glad_a of_o for_o there_o i_o think_v i_o shall_v live_v more_o private_o and_o be_v less_o disturb_v for_o so_o i_o account_v of_o the_o kind_a visit_n of_o friend_n a_o week_n before_o midsummer_n we_o set_v forward_o towards_o derbyshire_n and_o a_o uncomfortable_a journey_n we_o have_v for_o by_o the_o way_n i_o will_v not_o eat_v sufficient_a to_o support_v nature_n when_o i_o be_v come_v to_o snelstone_n again_o i_o be_v where_o i_o will_v be_v for_o there_o i_o can_v do_v what_o i_o please_v with_o little_a opposition_n there_o i_o shun_v all_o company_n though_o they_o be_v my_o near_a relation_n nor_o can_v i_o endure_v to_o be_v present_a at_o prayer_n or_o any_o other_o part_n of_o god_n worship_n nor_o to_o hear_v the_o sound_n of_o read_v nor_o the_o sight_n of_o a_o book_n or_o paper_n though_o it_o be_v but_o a_o letter_n or_o a_o almanac_n the_o lady_n baker_n be_v please_v to_o write_v i_o several_a letter_n which_o i_o will_v not_o so_o much_o as_o look_v on_o nor_o hear_v read_v by_o other_o one_o be_v bring_v i_o and_o i_o press_v much_o to_o receive_v it_o tear_v it_o in_o piece_n nay_o i_o will_v strike_v the_o hornbook_n out_o of_o my_o child_n hand_n but_o that_o will_v trouble_v i_o as_o soon_o as_o i_o have_v do_v it_o i_o will_v wish_v i_o have_v never_o see_v book_n or_o learned_a letter_n i_o will_v say_v it_o have_v be_v happy_a for_o i_o if_o i_o have_v be_v bear_v blind_a daily_o repeat_v my_o accustom_a language_n that_o i_o be_v a_o curse_a reprobate_n and_o the_o monster_n of_o the_o creation_n one_o sabbath-day_n be_v disturb_v about_o some_o small_a trifle_n i_o fall_v into_o violent_a passion_n weep_v even_o to_o roar_v and_o cry_v out_o i_o be_v make_v to_o be_v damn_v god_n make_v i_o to_o that_o very_a end_n to_o show_v the_o power_n of_o his_o justice_n more_o in_o i_o than_o in_o any_o other_o creature_n my_o aunt_n sometime_o will_v tell_v i_o that_o my_o expression_n be_v so_o dreadful_a she_o know_v not_o how_o to_o bear_v they_o i_o will_v answer_v roundly_o but_o what_o must_v i_o do_v then_o that_o must_v feel_v they_o i_o will_v often_o say_v to_o my_o aunt_n oh_o you_o little_o know_v what_o a_o dismal_a dark_a condition_n i_o be_o in_o methinks_v i_o be_o as_o dark_a as_o hell_n itself_o my_o aunt_n will_v say_v cousin_n will_v you_o but_o believe_v you_o be_v melancholy_a it_o may_v be_v a_o great_a mean_n to_o bring_v you_o out_o of_o this_o condition_n melancholy_a will_v i_o say_v i_o have_v cause_n to_o be_v melancholy_a that_o be_o as_o assure_o damn_a as_o that_o there_o be_v a_o god_n and_o no_o more_o hope_n of_o i_o than_o of_o the_o devil_n i_o have_v more_o cause_n to_o be_v melancholy_a than_o they_o have_v it_o be_v a_o fearful_a thing_n to_o fall_v into_o the_o hand_n of_o the_o live_n god_n heb._n x._o vers_fw-la 31._o my_o aunt_n will_v persuade_v i_o to_o seek_v god_n in_o the_o use_n of_o mean_n from_o that_o argument_n of_o the_o resolution_n of_o the_o four_o leper_n in_o the_o 2_o king_n seven_o 4._o i_o will_v answer_v with_o scorn_n i_o have_v hear_v that_o often_o enough_o one_o fit_a my_o humour_n be_v such_o that_o when_o friend_n will_v have_v argue_v with_o i_o about_o my_o condition_n i_o will_v not_o speak_v but_o only_o give_v they_o some_o short_a scornful_a answer_n and_o no_o more_o but_o i_o will_v be_v sometime_o in_o one_o temper_n and_o sometime_o in_o another_o my_o aunt_n will_v take_v the_o advantage_n of_o my_o best_a humour_n to_o talk_v with_o i_o then_o and_o the_o main_a thing_n she_o design_v in_o most_o of_o her_o argument_n with_o i_o be_v to_o convince_v i_o of_o the_o fallacy_n and_o delusion_n that_o be_v in_o my_o opinion_n that_o it_o be_v so_o infallible_o reveal_v to_o i_o that_o i_o be_v damn_a but_o alas_o all_o take_v no_o place_n with_o i_o but_o