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ID Title Author Corrected Date of Publication (TCP Date of Publication) STC Words Pages
A33423 The character of a London diurnall Cleveland, John, 1613-1658. 1644 (1644) Wing C4660; ESTC R35648 4,683 10

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THE CHARACTER OF A LONDON DIURNALL Printed in the Yeare 1644. THE CHARACTER OF A LONDON DIURNALL ADiurnall is a puny Chronicle scarce pinfeather'd with the wings of time It is an History in Sippets the English Iliads in a Nut-shell the Apocryphal Parliaments book of Maccabees in single sheets It would tyre a Welch pedigree to reckon how many aps 't is remov'd from an Annal For it is of that Extract onely of the younger House like a Shrimp to a Lobster The originall sinner in this kind was Dutch Galliobelgicus the Protoplast and the moderne Mercuries but Hans-en-Kelders The Countesse of Zealand was brought to Bed of an Almanack as many Children as dayes in the yeare It may be the Legislative Lady is of that Lynage so she spawnes the Diurnalls and they at Westminster take them in Adoption by the names of Scoticus Civicus Brittannicus In the Frontispice of the old Beldame Diurnall like the Contents of the Chapter sits the House of Commons judging the twelve Tribes of Israel You may call them the Kingdomes Anatomy before the weekly Kalender For such is a Diurnall the day of the moneth with what weather in the Common-wealth 'T is taken for the Pulse of the Body Politique and the Emperick Divines of the Assembly those spirituall Dragooners thumbe it accordingly Indeed it is a pretty Synopsis and those grave Rabbyes though in poynt of Divinity trade in no larger Authors The Country Carryer when he buyes it for their Vicar miscalls it the Urinall yet properly enough For it casts the Water of the State ever since it staled bloud It differs from an Aulicus as the Devill and his Exorcist or as a black Witch doth from a white one whose office is to unravell her inchantments It begins usually with an Ordinance which is a Law still-borne dropt before quickned by the Royall assent 'T is one of the Parliaments by-blowes Acts onely being legitimate and hath no more Syre then a Spanish Genn●t that 's begotten by the Wind. Thus their Militia like its Patron Mars is the issue onely of the Mother without the concourse of Royall Iupiter Yet Law it is if they Vote it though in defiance to their Fundamentals like the old Sexton who swore his Clock went true what ever the Sunne said to the contrary The next Ingredient of a Diurnall is Plots horrible Plots which with wonderfull Sagacity it hunts dry-foo● while they are yet in their Causes before Materia prima can put on her Smock How many such fits of the Mother have troubled the Kingdome and for all Sir Walter Earle looks like a Man-Midwife not yet delivered of so much as a Cushion But Actours must have their Properties And since the Stages were Voted downe the onely Playhouse is at Westminster Suteable to their Plots are their Informers Skippers and Taylours Spaniells both for the Land and the Water Good conscionable Intelligence For however Pym's Bill may inflame the Reckoning the honest Vermyn have not so much for Lying as the Publique Faith Thus a zealous Botcher in Morefields while he was contriving some Quirpo-cut of Church-Government by the help of his out-lying Eares and the Otac●ustion of the Spirit discovered such a Plot that Selden intends to combate Antiquity and maintaine it was a Taylours Goose that preserved the Capitol I wonder my Lord of Canterbury is not once more all-to-be-Traytor'd for dealing with the Lyons to settle the Commission of Array in the Tower It would doe well to crampe the Articles Dormant besides the opportunity of reforming those Beasts of the Prerogative and changing their prophaner names of Harry and Charles into Nehemiah and Eleazer Suppose a Corne-cutter being to give little Isaack a cast of his Office should fall to paring his Browes mistaking the one end for the other because he branches at both This would be a Plot and the next Diurnall would furnish you with this Scale of Votes Resolved upon the Question that this Act of the Corne-cutters was an absolute Invasion of the Cities Charter in the representative Forehead of Isaack Resolved that the evill Councellors about the Corne-cutter are Popishly affected and Enmies to the State Resolved that there be a publique Thankesgiving for the great deliverance of Isaack's Brow-antlers and a solemne Covenant drawn up to defye the Corne-cutter and all his workes Thus the Quixotes of this Age fight with the Windmills of their owne Heads quell Monsters of their owne Creation make Plots and then discover them as who fitter to unkennell the Fox then the Tarryer that is a part of him In the third place match their Adventures the Roundheads Legend the Rebels Romance Stories of a larger size then the Eares of their Sect able to strangle the Beliefe of a Soli-fidian I 'le present them in their order and first as a Whiffeler before the show enter Stamford one that trod the Stage with the first travers'd his ground made a legge and Exit The Country People took him for one that by Order of the Houses was to dance a Morice through the West of England Well hee 's a nimble Gentleman set him but upon Bankes his Horse in a Saddle Rampant and it is a great question which part of the Centaure shewes better tricks There was a Vote passing to translate him with all his Equipage into Monumentall-Gingerbread but it was cross'd by the Female Committee alleadging that the valour of his Image would bite their Children by the Tongues This Cubit and an halfe of Commander by the help of a Diurnall routed his Enemies fifty miles off 't is strange you 'l say and yet it is generally believed he would as soon doe it at that distance as nearer hand Sure it was his Sword for which the weapon-salvo was invented that so wounding and healing like loving Correlates might both worke at the same removes But the Squibbe is run to the end of the Rope Roome for the Prodigy of Valour Madam Atr●pos in Breeches Wallers Knight-errantry and because every Mountibanke must have his Zany throw him in Haslerigge to set off his story these two like Bell and the Dragon are alwayes worshipped in the same Chapter they hunt in their Couples what one doth at the head the other scores up at the heele Thus they kill a man over and over as Hopkins and Sternhold murder the Psalmes with another to the same one chimes all in and then the other strikes up as the Saints Bell. I wonder for how many lives my Lord Hoptons Soule took the Lease of his Body First Stamford slew him then Waller out kill'd that halfe a Barre and yet it is thought the sullen Corpes would scarce bleed were both these Man-slayers never so neare it The fame goes of a Dutch Heads-man that he would doe his Office with so much ease and Dexterity that the Head after Execution should stand still upon the shoulders pray God Sir William be not Probationer for the place For as if he had the like knack too most of those whom