stoole Thus you see a good stoole might moue as great deuotion in some man as a bad sermon sure it sutes very well that QuoruÌ„ Deus est venter eoruÌ„ templuÌ„ sit cloaca he that maks his belly his god I wold haue him make a Iakes his chappell But he that would in deede call to minde how Arrius that notable and famous or rather infamous heretike came to his miserable end vppon a Iakes might take iust occasion euen at that homely businesse to haue godly thoughts rather then as some haue wanton or most haue idle To which purpose I remember in my riming dayes I wrote a short Elegie vpon a homely Embleme which both verse and Embleme they haue set vp in Cloacinas chappell at my house very solemnely And I am the willinger to impart it to my friends because I protest to you truely a sober Gentleman protested to me seriously that the conceit of the picture the verse was an occasion to put honest and good thoughts into his mind And Plutarke defends with many reasons in his booke called Symposeons that where the matters them selues often are vnpleasant to behold their counterfeits are seene not without delectation Sprintâ— non spintâ— More feard then hurt A godly father sitting on a draught To do as neede and nature hath vs taught Mumbled as was his manner certen pray'rs And vnto him the Diuell straight repayr's And boldly to reuile him he begins Alledging that such prayr's are deadly sins And that it shewd he was deuoyd of grace To speake to God from so vnmeete a place The reuerent man though at the first dismaid Yet strong in faith to Satan thus he said Thou damned spirit wicked false and lying Dispaâ—ring thinâ— owne good and ours enâ—ying Ech take his due and me thou canst not hurt To God my pray'r I meant to thee the durt Pure prayr ascends to him that high doth sit Downe fals the filth for fiends of hell more fit Wherefore though I grant many places and times are much fitter for true deuotion yet I dare take it vppon me that if we would giue the Deuill no kinder entertainment in his other suggestions then this father gaue him in his causelesse reproofe for he gaue it him in his teeth take it how he would I say we should not so easily be ouerthrowne with his assaults as daily we are for lacke of due resistance But come we now to more particular and not so serious matter haue not many men of right good conceit serued themselues with diuerse pretie emblems of this excrementall matter As that in Alciat to shew that base fellows oft-times swimme in the streame of good fortune as well as the worthiest Nos quoque poma nat amus Or as the old prouerbe as well as embleme that doth admonish men not to contend with base and ignominious persons Hoc scio pro certo quod si cum stercâ—re certâ— Vinco ceu vincor semper ego maculor I know if I contend with dirtie foes I must be foyld whether I win or lose Which Embleme had almost hindred me the writing of this present discourse saue that a good friend of mine told me that this is a fansie and not a fight and that if it should grow to a fight he assured me I had found so excellent a warde against his chiefe dart which is his strong breath that I were like to quit my handes in the fray as well as any man But to proceede in these rare Emblemes who hath not read or heard of the Picture made in Germanie at the first rising of Luther where to shew as it were by an Embleme with what drosse and draffe the Pope and his partners fed the people they caused him to be purtraied in his Pontificalibus riding on a great sow and holding before her taster a dirty pudding which dirtie deuise Sleidan the Historian verie iustly and grauely both reports and reproues yet it serued a turne for the time and made great sport to the people But when this May-game was done an hundred thousand of them came home by weeping crosse so as the poore sow was not onely sold by the eares but sould by a drumme or slaine by the sword Yet the Flaunders cow had more wit then the Germane sow for she was made after an other sort viz. the Mirror of Princes feeding her the Terror of Princes spurring her the Prince of Orange milking her or after some such fashion for I may faile in the particulars but the conclusion was that Monsieur d' Allanson who indeede with most noble endeuour though not with so happie successe attempted them would haue pulled her backe by the taile and she filed his fingers And thus much for Emblemes Now for poesie though Emblemes also are a kind of poesie I rather doubt that the often vsage of such words wil make the Poets be condemned then that the Poets authorities will make the wordes be allowed but if their example can giue any countenaÌ„ce to them they shall want none It is certaine that of all poems the Epigram is the wittiest of al that writes Epigrams Martiall is counted the pleasantest He in his 38. ep of his first booke hath a distichon that is very plyable to my purpose of one that was so stately that her close stoole was of gold but her drinking cup of glasse Ventris onus puro nec te pudet excipis auro Sed bâ—bis in vitro charius ergo cacas And in the same booke to the geÌ„tlewomaÌ„ that had a pleasure to haue her dogge licke her lips as many do now a dayes Os labra tibi lingit Maneâ—a Catellus Non miror merdas si libet esse canâ— Thy dog still lickes thy lips but t is no hurt I maâ—uell not to see a dog eate durt Further in his third booke he mocks one of his fellow Poets that draue away all good company with his verses euery man thought it such a penance to heare them Naâ— tantos rogo quis ferat labores Et stanti legis legis sedenti Currenti legis legis cacanti In Thermas fugio sonas ad aurem c. Alas my head with thy long readings akes Standing or sitting thou readst euery wheare If I vvould vvalke if I would go t' AIAX If to the Bath thou still art in mine eare Whereby the way you may note that the French curtesie I spake of before came from the Romaines sith in Martials time they shunned not one the others companie at Monsieur AIAX But now it may be some man will say that these wanton and ribald phrases were pleasing to those times of licentiousnesse and paganisme that knew not Christ but now they are abhorred and detested quite out of request I would to God with all my heart he lyed not that so sayd and that indeede ReligioÌ„ could roote out as it should do all such wanton and vaine toyes if they be all wanton and vaine
of her Maiesties seruice though it were in the basest key that it could be tuned to And if I should fortune to effect so good a reformation in the Pallace of Richmond or Greenewich to which Pallace manie of vs owe seruice for the tenure of our land I doubt not but some pleasaÌ„t witted courtier of either sexâ— would grace me so much at least as to say that I were worthy for my rare inueÌ„tion to be made one of the Priuy and after a good long parenthesis come out with chamber or if they be learned haue read Castalios Courtier they will say I am a proper scholer and well seene in latrina lingua But let them mocke that list qui moccat moccabitur Who strike with sword the scabbeted them may strike And sure loue eraueth loue like asketh like If men of iudgement thinke it may breede a publike benefite the conceit thereof shall expell all priuate bashfulnesse and I will herein follow the example of that noble Lady that to saue the liberties of Couentry rode naked at noone through the streetes thereof and is now thought to be greatly honored and nothing shamed thereby Further whereas you embolden my pen not to be abasht at the basenesse of the subiect and as it were leading me on the way you tell me you haue broken the yâ—e for me to enter me into such broad phrases as you thinke must be frequent herein I will follow your steppes and your counsell neither will I disdaine to vse the poore helpe of saue reuerence if neede be much like as a good friend of yours and mine that beginning to dispraise as honest a man as him selfe to a great Noble man said he is the veryest knaue sauing your Lordship But the noble man ere the wordes were fully out of his mouth said saue thy self knaue or be hangd saue not me Euen so I must write in this discourse sometime indeede as homely sauing your vvorship as you shall lightly see and yet I will endeuour to keepe me within the boundes of modestie and vse no wordes but such as graue presidents in Diuinitie Law Phisicke or good Ciuilitie will sufficiently warrant me Sure I am that many other countryâ—men both Dutch French and Italians with great praise of wit though small of modesty haue writteÌ„ of worse matters One writes in praise of folly 2. an other in honour of the Pox. 3. a third defendes vsury 4. a fourth commends Nero. 5. a fift extols and instructs bawdery 6. the sixt displaies and describes Puttana Errante which I here will come forth shortly in English 7. a seuenth whom I would guesse by his writing to be groome of the stoole to some Prince of the bloud in France writes a beastly treatise only to examin what is the fittest thing to wipe withall alledging that white paper is too smooth browne paper too rough wollen cloth too stiffe linnen cloth too hollow satten too slippery taffeta too thin veluet too thicke or perhaps too costly but he concludes that a goose necke to be drawne betweene the legs against the fethers is the most delicate and cleanely thing that may be Now it is possible that I may be reckned after these seuen as sapientum octauus because I will write of A Iakes yet I will challenge of right if the Heralds should appoint vs our places to go before this filthy fellow for as according to Aristotle a ryder is an Architectonicall science to a sadler and a sadler to a stirop maker c. so my discourse must needes be Architectonicall to his sith I treat of the house it self and he but of part of that is to be done in the house that no essentiall part of the businesse for they say there be three things that if one neglect to do them they will do themselues one is for a man to make euen his recknings for who so neglects it will be left euen iust nothing as other is to mary his daughters for if the parents bestow them not they will bestow them selues the third is that which the foresaide French man writes of which they that omit their lawndresses shall finde it done in their linnen VVhich mishap a faire Lady once hauing a seruing maÌ„ of the disposition of Mydas Barber that could not kepe couÌ„sell had spyed it wrate in the grossest termes it could be exprest vppon a wall what he had seen but a certaine pleasant conceited Gentleman corrected the barbarisme adding rime to the reason in this sort My Ladie hath polluted her lineall vesture With the superfluitie of her corporall disgesture But soft I feare I giue you too great a tast of my slouenly eloquence in this sluttish argument VVherefore to conclude I dare vndertake that though my discourse will not be so wise as the first of those seuen I spake of that praises folly yet it shall be ciuiller then the second truer then the third honester then the fourth chaster theÌ„ the sift modester then the sixt and clenlier then the seuenth And that you and other of my good friends may take the lesse offence at it I will cloth it like an Ape in purple that it may be admitted into the better coÌ„pany and if all the art I haue cannot make it mannerly enough the worst punishmeÌ„t it can haue is but to employ it in the house it shall treat of only crauing but that fauour that a noble man was wont to request of your good father in law to teare out my name before it be so employed and to him that would deny me that kindnesse I would the paper were nettles and the letters needles for his better ease or that it were like to the Friers booke dedicated as I take it to Pius quintus of which one writes merily that his holinesse finding it was good for nothing else imployed it in steed of the goose necke to a homely occupation and forsooth the phrase was so rude the stile so rugged and the Latin so barbarous that therewith as he writes scortigauit sedem Apostolicam He galled the seat Apostolicke and so I commend me to you till I send you the whole discourse Your louing cosin and true friend MISAKMOS THE PROLOGVE TO THE READER OF the Metamorphω-sis of AIAX GReat Captaine AIAX as is well knowen to the learned and shall here be published for the vnlearned was a warrier of Graecia strong headdy rash boisterous and a terrible fighting fellow but neither wise learned staide nor Polliticke Wherefore falling to bate with Vlisses receiuing so fowle a disgrace of him to be called foole afore company and being bound to the peace that he might not fight with so great a Counseller he could indure it no longer but became a perfit mal-content viz. his hat without a band his hose without garters his wast without a girdle his bootes without spurs his purse without coine his head without wit and thus swearing he would kill slay first he killed
painefull stigma or caracter in Gods peculiar people though now most happily taken away in the holy Sacrament of Baptisme What the word signified I haue knowen reuerent learned men haue bene ignorant and we call it very well Circumcision and vncircumcision though the Remists of purpose be like to varie froÌ„ Geneua will needs bring in Prepuse which word was after admitted into the Theater with great applause by the mouth of Maister Tarlton the excellent Comedian when many of the beholders that were neuer circumcised had as great cause as Tarlton to complaine of their Prepuse But to come soberly more nearely to our present purpose In the old Testament the phrase is much vsed of couering the feet and in the new Testament he that healeth helpeth all our infirmities vsed the word draught that that goeth into the man is digested in the stomacke and cast out into the draught Lastly the blessed Apostle S. Paule being rapt in coÌ„templation of diuine blisfulnesse coÌ„pares all the chiefe felicities of the earth esteeming them to vse his owne word as stercora most filthy doung in regard of the ioyes he hoped for In imitation of which zealous vehemencie some other writers haue affected to vse such phrase of speech but with as il successe as the asse that leapt on his maister at his comming home because he saw a litle spaniel that had so don much made of for in deed these be couÌ„ted but foule mouthd beasts for their labors But to conclude these holy authorities worthy to be alledged in most reuerent and serious manner and yet here also I hope without offence let vs come now to the ridiculous rather then religious customes of the Pagans and see if this contemptible matter I treat of were despised among them nay rather obserue if it were not respected with a reuerence with an honor with a religion with a dutie yea with a deitie no maruell For they that had Gods and Goddesses for all the necessaries of our life froÌ„ our cradles to our graues viz. 1. for sucking 2. for swathing 3. for eating 4. for drinking 5. for sleeping 6. for husbandrie 7. for venerie 8. for fighting 9. for phisicke 10. for mariage 11. for child-bed 12. for fire 13. for water 14. for the thresholds 15. for the chimneys the names of which I doe set downe by themselues to satisfie those that are curious 1. Lacturtia 2. Cunina 3. Edulicae 4. Potina 5. Morpheus 6. Pan 7. Priapus 8. Bellona 9. Aesculapius 10 Hymen 11. Lucina and Vagitanus 12. Aether 13. Salacia 14. Lares 15. Penates I say you must not thinke they would coÌ„mit such an ouersight to omit such a necessarie as almost in all languages hath the name of necessitie or ease wherfore they had both a God and a Goddesse that had the charge of the whole businesse the God was called Stercutius as they write because he found so good an employment for all manner of doung as to lay it vpon the land or perhaps it was he that first fouÌ„d the excellent mysterie of the kind setting of a Parsnippe which I will not here discouer because I heard of a truth that a great Lady that loued Parsnips very well after she had heard how they grew could neuer abide them and I would be loath to cause any to fall out of loue with so good a dish Neuerthelesse except they will haue better bread then is made of wheate they must how fine so euer they be giue M. Stercutius leaue to make the laÌ„d able to beare wheat But the Goddesse was much more especially and properly assigned for this busines whose name was Dea Cloacina her statue was erected by Titus Tacius he that raigned with Romulus in a goodly large house of office a fit shrine for such a Saint which Lodouicus Viâ—es cites out of Lactantius But he that wil more particularly enforme himselfe of the originall of all these pettie Gods and Goddesses as also of the greater which they distinguisht by the name of Dij consentes which are according to old Ennius verse deuided into two rankes of Lords and Ladies Iunâ— Vesta Minerua Ceresque Diana Venus Mars Mercurius Neptunus louis Vulcanus Apollo Of all which S. Augustine writes most diuinely to ouerthrow their diuinitie and therefore I referre the learned and studious reader to his fourth and sixt booke de Ciuitate Dei where the originall and vanitie of all these Gods and Goddesses is more largely discoursed with a pretty quip to Seneca the great Philosopher who being in hart half a ChristiaÌ„ as was thought yet because he was a Senator of Rome was faine as S. Augustine saith to follow that he found fault with to doe that hee disliked to adore that he detested But come we to my stately Dame Cloacina and her Lorde Stercutius though these were not of the higher house called Consentes yet I hope for their antiquitie they may make great comparison for he is saide to haue bene old Saturne father to Pycus that was called Iuppiter and Cloacina was long before Priapus and so long before Felicitie that S. Augustine writes merrily that he thinkes verily Felicitie forsooke the Romanes for disdaine that Cloacina and Priapus were deified so long before her adding Imperium Romanorum propterea grandius quam felicius fuit The Romane Empire therefore was rather great then happie But how so euer Ladie Felicitie disdaines her no question but Madame Cloacina was alwayes a very good fellow for it is a token of speciall kindnesse to this day among the best men in France to reduce a Syllogisme in Bocardo togither Insomuch as I haue heard it seriously tolde that a great Magnifico of Venice being Ambassador in France and hearing a Noble person was come to speak with him made him stay till he had vntyed his points and when he was new set on his stoole sent for the Noble maÌ„ to come to him at that time as a very speciall fauour And for other good fellowships I doubt not but froÌ„ the beginning it hath often happened that some of the Nymphes of this gentle goddesse haue met so luckily with some of her deuout chaplens in her chappels of ease and paid their priuie tithes so duely and done their seruice togither with such deuotion that for reward she hath preferred them within fortie weeks after to Iuno Lucina and so to Vagitana Lacturtia and Cunina for euen to this day such places continue very fortunate And wheras I named deuotion I would not haue you thinke how homely soeuer the place is that all deuotion is excluded from it For I happening to demand of a deare friend of mine concerning a great coÌ„panion of his whether he were religious or no and namely if he vsed to pray he tolde me that to his remembrance he neuer heard him aske any thing of God nor thanke God for any thing except it were at a Iakes he heard him say he thaÌ„ked God he had had a good
must find out a better aunswere for courtly wits and therefore I say to them that according to the discipline custom of the Romanes in my opinion vnder reformation of their better iudgements this was so honorable a part of Vespasian that he was therefore worthy to haue bene deified For if Saturnus were allowed as a God by the name of Stercutius as is before alleaged for finding a profitable vse of all manner soyle I see a good reason à paeribus that Vespasian should aswell be deified for finding a meanes to make money of vrine and accordingly to be named Vrinatius of Vrina as the other is of Stercus Stercutius Further Vespasian was famous for two true miracles done by him greater then all their gods beside euer did Now if any take exceptions to his face because the foole told him he looked as if it went hard with him trust me it shall goe hard with me too but I will find somewhat to say for him and first I will get some of the painting that comes from the riuer of Orenoque which will wonderfully mend his complexion Secondly I will say this how bad soeuer his face was he had something so good that a handsome woman gaue him a thousand crownes for putting his seale with his labell to her pattent and yet she exhibited the petition as I take it in forma paper for she was starke naked Once this I am sure Suetonius writes that when his steward asked him how he shold set down that 1000. crownes on his booke he bâ—d him write it among his other perquisites in some such sort It. for respit of hâ—â—age from a louing tenant to her louely Lord for a whole knights fâ—e recepi 1000 crownâ—â— Now for his wit though I could tell you two excellent tales how he deceiued a groome of his chamber of his brother and how he would needs be halfe with his horse-keeper for setting on a shoe on a horse that lacked none yet I omit them both because many will be too apt to follow the president and I will keepe me very strictly to my tesh and specially because I hasten to a most royall example I meane of Traian There is no man I thinke that hath either trauelled farre countreys or read forraine stories but hath either heard of the famous exploits and victories that he had or seene some of the stately and sumptuous monumeÌ„ts that he made This Traian was Emperor of Rome and then Emperor when Rome stood at her highest pitch of greatnes a man whose conquests were most glorious whose buildings were most gorgeous whose iustice was most gracious he that stayed his whole armie to right the cause of one widdow he that created a Magistrate and deliuering him the sword for iustice said to him vse this for me as long as I gouerne iustly but against me when I gouerne otherwise he in whose time no learned maÌ„ was seene want no poore man was seene begge hee that would boast of Nerua his predecessor of Plotina his wife of Plutarke his counceller finally this Traian was so well accomplished a Prince in all princely vertues as no storie no time no memorie in all points can match him This most renowâ—ed Emperor hearing there was a towne in Bithinia farre off from Rome and in a place where he was like neuer to bee troubled with the euill sauour that was much annoyed for lacke of a good conueyance of the common priuies thought himselfe bound as a father to all his subiects to prouide a remedie for such an inconuenience and of his owne purse hee tooke order for making a vault of great cost and charge in the citie And for full satisfaction of the reader herein I will set downe the two Epistles as I find them in the tenth booke of the Epistles of Plinius Secundus to Traian Epist. 99. Argumentum quaerit an C. Plinius Secundus Traiano Imp. S. Amestrianorum ciuit as domine eligans ornata habet inter praecipua opera pulcherrimam eandemque longissimam plateam cuius à latere per spacium omne porrigitur nomine quidem flumen re vera cloaca fedissima Quae sicut turpis immundissima aspectu it a pestilens est odore teterrimo Quibus ex causis noâ— minus salubritatis quam decoris interest eam contegi quod fiet si permiseris curantibus nâ—bis ne desit pecunia operi tam magno quam necessario Which is thus in English Caius Plinius to Traian the Emperour greeting The Citie of the Amestrians my Lord being both commodious and beautifull hath among her principall goodly buildings a very faire and long streete on the side whereof runneth thorough the whole length of it a brooke in name for it is called so but indeede a most filthy Iakes which as it is foule and most vncleanely to behold so is it infectious with the horrible vile sauour wherfore it were expedient no lesse for wholsomenesse then for handsomnesse to haue it vaulted which shall be done if it please you to allow it and I will take care that there shall be no want of money for such a worke no lesse chargeable then necessarie Thus writes Plinius Secundus a Romane Senator and as it were a deputie Lieutenant in the Prouince of Bithinia to the great Traian and I doe halfe maruell he durst write so for had it beene in the time of Domitian Commodus or Nero either Martiall should haue iested at him with an Epigram or some secretarie that had enuied his honest reputation should haue bene willed to haue aunswered the letter in some scornefull sort and would haue written thus Maister Plinie my Lord God the Emperour not vouchsafing to answere your letter him selfe hath commaunded me to write thus much to you that he maruels you will presume to trouble his diuine Maiestie with matters of so base regard that your father being held a wise man and a learned might haue taught you better manners that his Maiestie hath matters of greater import concerning the state of Empire both for warre peace to employ his treasure in Thus much I was commaunded to write Now for mine owne part let me say thus much to you that I heard my Lord God the Emperour say that if the ill sauour annoy you you may send to your Mistresse for a perfumed handkerchife to stop your nose and that some Physicians say the smell of a Iakes is good against the plague Some such answere as this had bene like to haue come from some of those beastly Emperours and their filthie followers But how did Traian answere it I will set you downe his owne letter out of the same booke in the same language Argumentum Permittit confornicari cloacam Tr. Plinio S. Rationis est mi secunde Charissime contegi aquam istam quae per ciuitatem Amestrtanorum fluit si detecta salubritati obest Pecunia ne huic operi desit curaturum te secundum diligentiam tuam certum habeo Thus in
dissipatum portas eius consumptas igni And in the third chapter shewing who repaired all the ruines Et portam vallis aedificauit Hanum habitatores Zanoe ipsi aedificauerunt eam statuerunt valuas eius seras vectes mille cubitos in muro vsque ad portam sterquilinii Et portam sterquilinii aedificauit Melchias filius Rhechab princeps c. And the gate of the valley built Hanum and the inhabitants of Zanoe they built it and they made the leaues of the gate and the lockes and the hinges and a thousand cubites in the wal euen to the doung gate and Melchias son of Rhecab being Prince of Bethacharan built the doung gate I would haue saide saue-reuerence the doung gate but that Nehemias who was a Gentleman well brought vp and a courtier and had beene a sewer and cupbearer to Artaxerxes writes it as I haue recited it But now to the purpose perhaps you will saie that this makes nothing to the present argument that the gate is called Doungate for we haue a gate in London called Dougate that with a little dash with a pen will seeme to be the same gate yet hath no great affinitie with the matter on the other side there is a place hath a glorious title of Queene Hiue and yet it was ordained for my lady Cloacina I grant it might be so for so there is a parish by London called Hornsey which is an vngratious crooked name and yet I verilie perswade me that the most glorious or gratious street in Londō hath more horns in it sometime either visible or inuisible then all the other parish But concerning the gate in Ieruselagim called Porta Stercoris I finde it was so called bicause it laie on the East side of the Citie toward the brooke Cedron whither all the raine water of the Citie and all other conueiances ran as they do out of the Citie of London into the Thames and that being so and the city so populous the gate might wel be called Porta Stercoris Now without the city I finde mentioned another place ordained for the like purpose to carrie out all such filth as the rain could not wash away and had no common passage that was the valley of Hinnon which seemes by the map to lie Southeast and by South to the Temple and thither I say the Scauengers caried their loding as they do at London beyond Golding lane And therfore in the new Testament it is called gehenna and taken for hell and if you haue a minde to know how I come by this diuinitie trust me if you will I come by it as true men come by their goods For so it is that not long since there dwelt in Bath a schoole-master a man whom I fauored much for his sake that sent him thither But he had not beene there long but a controuersie arose betwixt him some preachers therabout among whom we haue too manie that studie nothing but the controuersies and it came after many disputes on both sides at last to writing and publishing of Books And the schoole-master though being no Preacher wrote a booke with this title that Christ descended not into hell the very sight of which title being flat cōtradictorie to an article of the Creede I remember I said of the man as Heywood saith in his prouerbes that heerafter He might be of my Pater noster indeed But sure he should neuer come in my Creed And therefore I might repute him as a good humanist but I should euer doubt him for a good deuine Now as I say hearing in these disputes and sermons diuerse names of hell throughly sifted As Ades Tartaros Infernum Stagnum ardens and last of all Gehenna which last I was most vsed to as hauing an old verse when I was at Eaton of a Peacocke Angelus in penna pede latro voce gehenna A bird that hath an Angels plume A theeuish pace a hellish tune Consequentlie I obserued that our honest learned Preacher of Bath M. R. M. first prooued hel to be a local place if not circumscriptiue yet at least definitiue Thē he shewed the etymologie of the worde gehenna to be deriued in Greeke of 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 that is the earth or valley of Hinnon thē he told that this place was as it were the common dunghill or mickson of the whol towne that the Iewes had vsed in this valley to make their children passe through the fire as a sacrifice to the Deuill according to the Psalme of Dauid they offered their sonnes and daughters vnto deuils Finally that our sauior to make a more fearfull impression in their harts of the paines of hell indeed which they know not vsed the name of this hellish place which they knew that had in it these hatefull hellish properties smoke stinke horrible cries torment But least you shuld think I speake as a parrot nothing but what I haue heard an other say let me adde somwhat of mine own poore reading and that shall be this that this valley of Hinnon was once for the sweete aire fine groues faire walks greene and pleasant fields comparable with any place about Ierusalem but when the abhominable Idoll of Moloch was erected in it whose purtraiture was like a king hauing the head of a calfe al of bras hollow within vnto which most inhumanely they sacrificed humane flesh yea their owne children to the end that the wicked parents might not feele remorse of the wofull cries of the wretched children they daunced a straunge medley about the fire hauing musicke sutable to such mirth of drums and Iewes harpes for I thinke hornepipes and bag-pipes were not then found out I say these abhominations being there committed the good Iosias driuen to vse an extreme medicine to so extreme a maladie first burned and brake all too peeces the horrible Idoll and then in detestation of the abuses there committed cut downe the fine groues tare vp the sweete pastures defaced the pleasant walks and to the end that all passengers should flie from it that were woont to frequent it he caused all filthie carrion dead dogs and horses all the filth of the streetes whatsoeuer hatefull and vgly things could be imagined to be caried thither And this ô Iosias was thy zealous reformation but alas how little do some that pretend thy name participate thy nature They pull downe Moloch but set vp Baal Peor Beelsebub their leane deuotion thinks the hill of the Lord is too fat their enuious eie serues them like Aretinoes spectacles to make all seeme bigger then it should be they learne the Babylonians song in the Psalmes Downe downe with it at any hand Make all thing plaine let nothing stand They care neither for good letters nor good liues but onely out of the spoiles to get good liuings our good Lord Bishops must be made poore superintendents that they might superintend the goodly Lordships of rich Bishopricks
then we that be simple fellowes must beleeue that they offer vs Iosias reformation wheras indeed it sauors not of that in any thing but the ill sauor for as Iosias defaced a faire field and made it spurcitiarum latrinam so they would ruinate our cathedrall churches make them Spelunca latronum as my good friend Hary-Osto or mine Host Hary saith of the Pagan Rodomont after his host had ended his knauish tale He makes the Church oh horrible abuse Serue him for his prophane vngodly vse Wherefore let them cal themselues what they list but if they learn no better lessons of Iosias but to turne sweete fields to stinking dunghils they shall make no newe Iaxes in England by my consent I hope my deuise shall serue to mende many that be now amisse with an honester easier reformation I doubt not but the Magistrate that hath charge to see ne quid respub detrimanti capiat will prouide least our receipts prooue deceipts our auditors frauditors and our reformation deformation and so all run headlong to gehenna where the sport will be torment the musicke clamors the prospect smoke and the perfume stinke Which two last I meane smoke and stinke I haue verily perswaded me are two of those paines of hel which they call poena sensus which paine S. Augustine affirmes may also torment aerie or spiritual bodies as partly appeers in the storie of Tobias where a wicked spirit was driuen away with the smoke of a broyled liuer and therefore I haue endeuored in my poore buildings to auoide those two inconueniences as much as I may As for the two other annoiances that the old prouerbe ioineth to one of these saying there are three things that make a man weary of his house a smoking chimney a dropping eues and a brauling woman I would no lesse willingly auoid thē but when stormes come I must as my neighbors do beare that with patience which I can not reforme with choler and learne of the good Socrates who when Xantippe had crowned him with a chamber-pot he bare it off single with his head and shoulders and said to such as laughed at him for it It neuer yet was deemd a woonder To see that raine should follow thunder And to the intent you may see that I am not only groundedly studied in the reformatiō of AIAX which I haue chosen for the proiect of this discourse but that I am also superficially seene in these three other matters of shrewd importance to all good house-keepers I will not be dangerous of my cunning but I will venture my pen and my paines if you will lend but your eies or your eares though I perhaps shall haue more fists about my eares then mine owne for it First therefore for the house I will teach you a verse for it that I thinke M. Tusser taught me or else now I may teach it his sonne To keepe your house dry you must alwaies in sommer Giue money to the mason the tiler and plummer For the shrewd wife read the booke of taming a shrew which hath made a number of vs so perfect that now euery one can rule a shrew in our countrey saue he that hath hir But indeed there are but two good rules One is let them neuer haue their wils the other differs but a letter let them euer haue their wils the first is the wise but the seconde is more in request and therefore I make choise of it But yet ere I come to discouer this exact exquisite forme that I haue promised let me adde a word or two out of the good and wholsome rules of phisick both for authorising the homely words so oft vsed as for prouing that the matter in their faculty is specially regarded for diuers that are otherwise very daintie and curious yet for their healths sake will endure both to heare homely language to see sluttish sights to taste dirtie drugs and to shew secret sores according to the Italian prouerbe All confessore medico aduocato Non deue tener cosa celato From your confessor lawyer and phisition Hide not your case on no condition No man therefore is either so ignorant or so impudent as either not to know or not to confesse that the honorable science of phisick embaseth it selfe ofttimes about the care of this busines For whereto serueth I pray you fiant clysteria fiant pillulae fiant potiones fiant pessi But fie on 't it makes me almost sicke to talke of them sure I am the house I treat of is as it were the center to which they must all fall first or last and many times I thinke first were wholsomer of the two But to inforce my proofes though shortly yet soundly I will not bring any peculiar prescripts out of Galen and Hipocrates least you should oppose against them Asclepiades or Paracelsus nor stand long to dilate of the Empiricall phisick or the dogmaticall and the methodicall Of all which if I should say all I could I feare me not so much that phisitions would take me for a foole as that fooles will take me for a Phisition I will therefore set downe as it were certain autenticall rules out of a generall Councell of Phisitions that sent by common consent to a great K. of England against which if any Doctor should except he must ipso facto be counted an hereticke This therefore I finde of my text in that booke that begins Anglorum regi scribit schola tota Salerni For when he hath beene aduised to make choice of three Phisitions Haec tria mens laeta requies moderata diet Doctor Diet Doctor Quiet and Doctor Meryman Then they admonish him of many particulars for his health for his foode for his house c. Which if they might with good maners write to a king then I may without inciuilitie recite to a kinseman Si vis incolumem si vis te viuere sanum Curas tolle graues irasci crede profanum Parce mero caenato parum nec sit tibi vanum Surgere post epulas somnum fuge meridianum Nec mictum retine nec cōprime fortiter anū The Salerne schole doth by these lines impart Health to the British king and doth aduise From cares thy head to free from wrath thy hart Drinke not much wine sup light and soone arise After thy meate twixt meales keepe wake thine eies And when to natures needs prouokt thou art Do not forbeare the same in any wise So shalt thou liue long time with little smart Loe what a speciall lesson for health they teach to take your oportunitie so oft as it is offered of going to those businesses Thē soone after to let you know how wholesome it is to breake winde they tell fower diseases that come by forbearing it Quatuor ex vento veniunt inventre retento Spasmus hydrops colica vertigo quatuor ista But most especially making for my purpose both for word and matter Aer
then vpon the next greene we will bid farewel and turne taile as they say wherefore now I will make you onely a briefe repetition of that I haue sayd You see first how I haue iustified the homely wordes phrases with authorities aboue all exception I haue proued the care euer had of the matter with examples aboue all comparison Lastly I haue expressed to you a cleane forme of it aboue all expectation Neither doe I praise it as Marchants doe their wares to rid their handes of them for I promise you how high so euer I praise it I meane not to part with it for were I to praise it vpon mine oth as we do houshold stuffe in an inuentary I wold prayse it in my house to bee worth 100 pounds in yours 300 poundes in Wollerton 500 pounds in Tibals Burley and Holmbie 1000 pounds in Greenwitch Richmond and Hampton Court 10000. And by my good sooth so I would thinke my selfe well payd for it Not that I am so base minded to thinke that wit and art can be rated at any price but that I would accept it as a gratuity fit for such houses and their owners For I tell you though I will not take it vpon me that I am in dialecticorum dumetis doctus or in rhetorum pompa potens or coeteris scientijs saginatus as doth our Pedantius of Cambridge yet I take it that in this inuention I shal shew a great practise vpon the grammar and vpon this point I will chalenge all the grammarians viz. I say and I wil make it good that by my rare deuise I shall make Stercutius a nowne adiectiue Now I know you will set your son William to aunswere me and he shall say no no and come vpon me with his grammer rule vt sunt divorum Mars Bacchus Apollo virorum c. and hereby conclude that he is both a substantiue and that a substantiall one too and a Masculine But all this will not serue for I haue learned the grammer too and therefore Come grammer rules come now your power show as saith the noble Astrophill First therefore I say his no no is an affirmatiue For in one speech two negatiues affirme Secondly tell me pretty Will what is a nown substantiue That that may be seene felt heard or vnderstood Very well now I will ioyne issue with you on this point where shall we try it Not in Cambridge you will say for I thinke they will be partiall on my side Well then in Oxford be it and no better Iudge then M. Poeta who was cheefe Captaine of all the nownes in that excellent comedy of Bellum grammaticale For without all peraduenture when he shall here that one of his band and so neare about him is brought to that state that he is neither to be seene smelt heard nor vnderstood he wil sweare gogs nowns he will thrust him out of his selected band of the most substantial substantiues sort him with the rascal rablement of the most abiect adiectiues But now Sir that I haue brought you to so faire a town as Oxford so sweet a companiō as your son William I will leaue you to him that made you Now gentle Reader you haue taken much paine and perhaps some pleasure in reading our Metamorpo-sis of AIAX and you supposed by this time to haue done with me but now with your fauour I haue not done with you For I found by your countenance in the reading and hearing hereof that your conceit oft-times had censured mee hardly and that somewhat diuersly namely in these three kindes First you thought me fantasticall secondly you blamed my scurrility and thirdly you found me satyricall To which three reproofes being neither causlesse nor vniust doe me but the iustice to heare my three answers I must needes acknowledge it fantastical for me whom I suppose you deeme by many circumstances not to be of the basest either birth or breeding to haue chosen or of another mans choise to haue taken so strange a subiect But though I confesse thus much yet I would not haue you lay it to my charge for if you so do I shall straight retort all the blame or the greatest part of it vpon your selfe and namely I would but aske you this question and euen truely betweene God and your conscience doe but aunswer it If I had entituled the booke A Sermon shewing a soueraigne salue for the sores of the soule Or A wholesome hauen of health to harbour the heart in Or Amaruellous medicine for the maladies of the minde Would you euer haue asked after such a booke would these graue and sober titles haue wonne you to the view of three or four tittles much lesse three or foure score periodes But when you heard there was one had written of A IAX straight you had a great mind to see what strāge discourse it would proue you made enquiry who wrote it where it might be had when it would come forth You prayed your friend to buy it beg it borrow it that you might see what good stuffe was in it And why had you such a minde to it I can tell you you hoped for some meriments some toyes some scurrility or to speake plaine English some knauery And if you did so I hope now your expectation is not altogether frustrate Yet giue me leaue briefly to shew you what prety pils you haue swallowed in your pleasant quadlings what wholsome wormewood was enclosed in these raisins of the sunne Against malcontents Epicures Atheists heretickes and carelesse and dissolute Christians especially against pride and sensuality the Prologue and the first part are chiefly intēded The second giues a due praise without flattery to one that is worthy of it and a iust checke without gall to some that deserue it The third part as it teacheth indeede a reformation of the matter in question so it toucheth in sport a reprehension of some practises too much in custome All which the reader that is honourable wise vertuous and a true louer of his countrey must needes take in good part Now gentle reader if you will still say this is fantasticall then I will say againe you would not haue read it except it had bene fantasticall and if you will confesse the one sure I will neuer deny the other The second fault you obiect is scurrility to which I answere that I confesse the obiection but I deny the fault and if I might know whether he were Papist or Protestant that maketh this obiection I would soone answere them namely thus I would cite a principall writer of either side and I wold proue that either of them hath vsed more obscenous fowle and scurrill phrases not in defence of their matter but in defacing of their aduersary in one leafe of their bookes then is in all this Yet they professe to write of the highest the holiest the waightiest matters that can be imagined and
I write of the basest the barrennest and most witlesse subiect that may be described Quod decuit tantos cur mihi turpâ— putem I forbeare to shew examples of it least I should be thought to disgrace men of holy and worthy memory For such as shall find fault that it is too Satyricall surely I suppose their iudgement shall sooner be condemned by the wiser sort then my writings For when all the learned writers godly preachers and honest liuers ouer all England yea ouer all Europe renew that old complaint Regnare nequitiam in deterius res humanas labi When wee heare them say daily that there was neuer vnder so gracious ahead so gracelesse members after so sincere teaching so sinfull liuing in so shining light such workes of darkenesse When they crie out vpon vs yea cry indeed for I haue seene theÌ„ speake it with teares that lust and hatred were neuer so hote loue and charitie were neuer so colde that there was neuer lesse deuotion neuer more diuision that all impiety hath all impunity finally that the places that were wont to be the samples of all vertue and honour are now become the sinkes of all sinne and shame These phrases I say being written and recorded sounded and resounded in so many bookes and Sermons in Cambridge in Oxford in the Court in the countrey at Paules crosse in Paules church-yard may not I as a sorie writer among the rest in a merie matter and in a harmelesse manner professing purposely Of vaultes and prîuies sinkes and draughts to write proue according to my poore strength to draw the readers by some pretie draught to sinke into a deepe and necessary consideration how to amend some of their priuy faultes Beleeue it worthy readers for I write not to the vnworthy A IAX when he is at his worst yeeldes not a more offensiue sauour to the finest nostrils then some of the faultes I haue noted doe to God and the world Be not offended with me for saying it more then I am with some of you for seeing it But this I say if we would amend our priuy faultes first we should afterward much the better reforme the open offences according to the old prouerbe Euerie man mend one and all would be amended Trust me they do wrong me that count me Satyricall Alas I do but as the phrase is pull a haire froÌ„ their beards whose heades perhaps by the old lawes and canons should be shorne If you will say there is salt in it I will acknowledge it but if you will suspect there is gall in it I renounce it I name not many and in those I do name I swarue not farre from the rule Play with me and hurt me not Iest with me and shame me not For some that may seeme secretly touched and be not openly named if they will say nothing I will say nothing But as my good friend M. Dauies sayd of his Epigrams that they were made like dublets in Birchen lane for euery one whom they will serue so if any man finde in these my lines any raiment that sutes him so fit as if it were made for him let him weare it and spare not and for my part I would he could weare it out But if he will be angrie at it then as the old saying is I beshrew his angrie hart and I would warne him thus much as his poore friend that the workeman that could with a glaunce onely and a light view of his person make a garment so fit for him if the same workman come and take a precise measure of him may make him another garment of the same stuffe for there neede go but a payre of sheeres betweene them that in what sheere soeuer he dwelleth he may be knowne by such a coate as long as he liueth Well to conclude let both the writer and the readers endeuour to mend our selues and so we shall the easier amend others and then I shall thinke my labour well bestowed in writing and you shall thinke yours not altogether lost in reading And with this honest exhortation I would make an end imitating herein the wisest Lawyers who when they haue before the simplest Iurers long disputed their cases to litle purpose are euer most earnest and eager at the parting to beat into the Iuries head some speciall point or other for the behoofe of their client For so would I howsoeuer you do with the rest of the matter I would I say faine beate still into your memorie this necessarie admonition which my new takeÌ„ name admonisheth me of to cleause amend and wipe away all filthinesse To the which purpose I could me thinke allegorise this homely subiect that I haue so dilated and make almost as good a Sermon as the Frier did before the Pope saying nothing but Matto San Pietro three times and so came downe from the pulpit againe and being afterward examined what he meant to make a Sermon of three wordes but three times repeated before the triple crowned Prelat and so many Cardinals He told them they might finde a good Sermon in Matto San Pietro as namely if heauen might be gotten notwithstanding all the pride pleasures and pompe of the world with â—ase sensualitie and Epicurisme then what a foole was S. Peter to liue so strict so poore so painfull 〈◊〉 With which it is possible his auditorie was more edified or at least more terrified then they would haue bene at a longer Sermon But I will neither end with Sermon nor prayer lest some wags liken me to my L. players who when they haue ended a baudie Comedy as though that were a preparatiue to deuotion kneele downe solemnly and pray all the companie to pray with them for their good Lord and maister Yet I wil end with this good counsell not vnsuting to the text I haue thus long talked of To keepe your houses sweet cleanse priuy vaults To keepe your soules as sweet mend priuie faults FINIS 43. Can. Camden in his BritaÌ„nia This matter is discoursed by Rables in his 13. chap. of his fift booke Vâ— moyeÌ„ de me torcher le culle plus Seigneurial le plus excellent le plus expedient que iamais fut veu This may be omitted in reading Ouid. Meta. lib. 12. Lib. supra dicto Salt recouers baned sheepe Rabbles lib. 1. cap. 13. CoÌ„me Gargasier cognoit l'esprit excellent de Gargantua a l'inueÌ„tioÌ„d vntorche cul Lib. Fictitius Hic desunt non paucae de sermone aeth clerum Thus farre Ouid. Thus much lib. 6. S. Aug. de ciuit Dei Sterâ—utius the God of doung Such lippâ—s such letâ—uce Some of these denied the godhead of Christ with Arrius some the authority of Bishops as Aerius which you may see in Prateolo de vitaâ—â—retâ—corum Almarieus denied the resurrection of the body which is an heresie that mars all as S. Paule saith 1. Cor. 15. 14. That then our faith were vaine Some say amend and so done were verie well
sayd Aiak's house preferred before a baâ—â—die house â—sa 64. These Gods were of the priuy councel to Iuppiter 23. Chap. 4. booke S. Augustine 6. booke 10. chap. L. Lib. 5. quâ—st 1. For want of the good take heede Pomâ— signifies horsedong as well as appleâ— 1. 38. 1. 74. 3. 44. Non'est bonum luderecum sanctu It is good to play with your fellows An â—escis lonâ—as regibus esse manus He was beheaded Two Apothegmes of Sir Thomas More M. Dauies M. Raynolds much more seemly vseth the metaphor li. 1 c. 8. p. 290. Iesuitae â—imum in ipsius captâ—â— reâ—orquere 3. 68. 1. Sam. 24. SpeluÌ„ca quam iâ—gressus est Saul vt purgaret ventrem Sâ—etonius 33. Henry 8. For it is no reason M. AIAX should haue a better gowne then his Mistresse Caesar called Brutus son and sayd to him when he stabd at him 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 It seems the writer hereof would fain be thought a Iustice of peace Martial 505 Caâ—pâ—râ—â—â—usidi 〈◊〉 fertur meacarmina quiâ—â— Nâ—scio si sciero ve tiâ—i causidice Some of our rude countreymen English this obtorto collo haÌ„ging an arse Agrippa saith of her that she lay with 22. seueral meÌ„ in 24. houres at the common stewes taÌ„dem lassata viris non satiata redijt Two parâ—s why Clâ—udius was esteemed a foole Looke Sueton Claudius was in England He is called foole to his face But hereby hangs a tale Claudius his iudgement like that of Salomon Oyles oad tarre c. The coÌ„tents is whether he shal couer the water that runs by the towne of Amestris Che scrisse taccia â—t piu 〈…〉 A great officer among the boyes at Eaton Maister of the rods Eliots dictionarie and Coopers placed these 2. words too neare togither S. Damasâ—en S. Brigid write this of Traian beleeue them who list for though it seem Popish yet it ministers an argument against some Popish opinions Authorities of Sripture Or a trowell There is a Comedy called Priscianus vapulaÌ„s wher if one should say igneÌ„hanc Priscian wold cry his head were broken There is a noble and learned Lady dowager to the Lord Iohn Russell that will not name loue without saue reuerence The Brickils Esa. cap. 3. Eterit pro suaâ—â— adore foeâ—or The principles are these Aâ—r non penetrat aquam Natura non â—atitur vaâ—uâ—â— A true praise of Liâ—colnes Inne M. Plat set foorth a booke of engines Ariost. Cant. 20. Some coniectâ—re that stale and cowdoung must effect both these multiplications The Author could haue said honorable of both but he takes honesty in this place for the highâ—â— title Boceâ—â—lo writes that S. Ciapielletâ— was canonized If I had such a graunt he that were my heres ex asse would be the richest squire in England I protest Misac mos and alâ—â—â— friends loue 〈◊〉 the better 〈◊〉 If you call this flattery I woulâ—â— you would all deserue to be so flattered A worthy matter to be put into a Chronâ—cle â—nd fit for such worthy historiographers The Mag. of Venice are called Figliuoli de S. Marâ—â— This Comedy was playd at her Maiesties last being at Oxford The Epilogue or conclusion Three reproofs of this pamphlet Answer to the first obiection of fantasticalnesse A briefe sum of the true intent of the booke Answere to the second obiection of scurrility This cannot be denied Answer to the third obiectioÌ„ that it is too Satyrical or sharpe against the faults of the time Seneca Allusion to the former wordes A fit rule to be kepâ— and breedes all misrule wheÌ„ it is broken specially by honorable persons â—â—os That is to say What a foole was S. Peter