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A66812 Witty apophthegms delivered at several times, and upon several occasions by King James, King Charls, the Marquess of Worcester, Francis Lord Bacon, and Sir Thomas Moor ; collected and revised. Bayly, Thomas, d. 1657?; James I, King of England, 1566-1625. Selections. 1669.; Charles I, King of England, 1600-1649. Selections. 1669.; Worcester, Henry Somerset, Marquis of, 1577-1646. Selections. 1669.; Bacon, Francis, 1561-1626. Selections. 1669.; More, Thomas, Sir, Saint, 1478-1535. Selections. 1669. 1669 (1669) Wing W3237; ESTC R12699 69,627 178

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answered He had much rather men should ask and wonder why he had no Statue than why he had a Statue 145. Sir Fulk Greenvil had much and private access to Queen Elizabeth which he used honourably and did many men good yet he would say merrily of himself That he was like Robin good-fellow for when the Maids spilt the milk-pans or kept any racket they would lay it upon Robeen so what the Ladies about the Queen told her or other bad offices that they did they would put it upon him 146. Socrates when there was shewed him the book of Heraclitus the obscure and was asked his opinion of it answered Those things which I understood were excellent I imagine so were those that I understood not but they require a diver of Delos 147. Bion asked an envious man that was very sad What harm had befaln unto him or what good had befaln unto another man 148. Stilpo the Philosopher when the people flocked about him and that one said to him the people come wondring about you as if it were to see some strange beast No saith he it is to see a man which Diogenes sought with his Lanthorn at noon day 149. A man being very jealous of his wife insomuch that which way soever she went he would be prying at her heels and she being so grieved thereat in plain terms told him That if he did not for the future leave off his proceedings in that nature she would graft such a pair of horns upon his head that should h●…nder him from coming out of any door in the house 150. Caius Marius was General of the Romanes against the Cimbers who came with such a Sea of multitudes upon Italy in the fight there was a band of the Caducians of a thousand that did notable service whereupon after the fight Marius did denison them all for Citizens of Rome though there was no Law to warrant it one of his friends did represent it to him that he had transgressed the Law because that Priviledge was not to be granted but by the people whereunto Marius answered That for the noise of arms he could not hear the Laws 151. Mr. Bacon would say That it was in business as it is commonly in wayes that the next way is commonly the foulest that if a man would go the fairest way he must go somewhat about 152. Augustus Cesar out of great indignation against his two Daughters and P●…sthumus Agrippa his Grand-child whereof the two first were infamous and the last otherwise unworthy would say That they were not his seed but some imposthumes that had broken from him 153. A Citizen of London passing the streets very hastily came at last where some stop was made by Carts and some Gentlemen talking together who knew him where being in some passion that he could not suddenly pass one of them in this wise spoke unto him That others had past by and there was room enough only he could not tell whether their horns were so wide as his 154. Pompey did consummate the war against Sertorius when Metellus had brought the enemy somewhat low he did also consummate the war against the fugitives whom Crassus had before defeated in a great Battel so when Lucullus had had a great and glorious victory against Mithridates yet Pompey by means his friends made was sent to put an end to that war whereupon Lucullus taking indignation as a disgrace offered to himself said that Pompey was like a carrion Cro●… that when others had struck down bodies he came to prey upon them 155. Epictetus used to say That one of the vulgar if any ill happens to him blames others a novice in Philosophy blames himself and a Philosopher blames neither the one nor the other 156. Hiero visited by Pythagoras asked him of what condition he was Pythagoras answered Sir I know you have been at the Olympian games yes sa●…th Hiero Thither saith Pythagoras come some to win the prizes some come to sell their Merchandise because it is a kind of Mart of all Greece some come to meet their friends and make merry because of the great confluence of all sorts others come only to look on meaning it of Philosophy and the contemplative life 157. Plato the Divine said That riches were like muck and dung when it lay upon an heap it gave but a stench and ill odour but when it was spread upon the ground then it was cause of much fruit and he further said That vertuous men were like some herbs and spices that gave not their sweet smell until they be broken and crusht 158. There was a Painter became a Physician whereupon one said to him You have done well for before the faults of your work were seen but now they are unseen 159. One of the Philosophers was askt in what a wise man differed from a fool he aswered Send them both naked to those that know them not and you shall perceive 160. A Tinker passing Cheapside with his usual tone Have you any work for a Tinker an Apprentice standing at a door opposite to a Pillory there set up called the Tinker with an intent to put a jest upon him told him that he should do very well if he would stop those two holes in the Pillory to which the Tinker answered That if he would but put in his head ears a while in that Pillory he would lestow both brasse and nails upon him to hold him in give him his labor in to the bargain 161. Cesar in his book that he made against Cato did write to shew the force of opinion and reverence of a man that had once obtained popular reputation That there were some that found Cato drunk and they were ashamed instead of Cato 162. Aristippus sailing in a Tempest shewed signs of fear one of the Seamen said to him in an insulting manner We that are Plebeians are not troubled you that are Philosophers are afraid Aristippus answered There is not the like wager upon it for me to perish and you 163. There was an Oratour that defended a cause of Aristippus and prevailed afterwards he ask'd Aristippus Now in your distress what did Socrates do you good Aristippus answered thus In making true that good which you said of me Concerning mony he further declared That he took mony of his friends not so much to use it himself but to teach them how to bestow their mony 164. The Lady Paget that was very private with Queen Elizabeth declared her self much against her match with Monsieur after Monsieurs death the Queen took extream grief at least as she made shew and kept within her bed-Chamber and one Ante-chamber for three weeks space in token of mourning At last she came forth into her privy Chamber and admitted her Ladies to have access unto her and amongst the rest my Lady Paget presented her self and came to her with a smiling countenance the Queen bent her brows and seemed to be highly displeased and said to
plain he told as look you now I without my Spectacles and ill eyes could read it sooner than all you that needed none and had good eyes it is not a good eye but a good faith that attains to the knowledg of such things which you pore so much upon the like you lose the meaning now I will tell you how I came to find it out I considered what had been told me with the help wherof I came to unstand what the words might signifie so that in this I am sure tradition was a means to help me to the true understanding of the Scripture Leaving the place as we were going along by the Church yard rails there was an old woman naked as ever she was born who kept her Hermitage between the roots of an overgrown hollow tree she was the most lamentable spectacle of Mortality that ever eyes beheld her eyes as hollow as a dead mans scul and her head as bare nothing but skin and bone her breasts hanging down like two leathern pockets and her belly like a Satchel her tawny skin looking rather as if it had been loose garments to the bo●…es then confines to any flesh and blood in a word it frightned us all only the Marquess was in love with her protesting that he never saw a sight which did him so much good saying How happy were it for a man that is going to bed to his grave to be first wedded to this woman 4. The Marquess on discourse about Religion said That God was fain to deal with wicked men as men do with frisking jades in a pasture that cannot take them up till they get them to a gate so wicked men will not be taken up till the hour of death 5. Treating of youth the Marquess said that it was the best course for Parents and Tutors to teach children that when they are young they may put in practice when they are grown up in riper years 6. Philo Jude●…s saith to which the Marquess assents that the sense is like the Sun for the Sun seals up the globe of heaven and opens the globe of earth so the sense doth obscure heavenly things and reveal earthly things 7. He was wont to say that a plain dealing friend whose friendly Counsel was requited with choler and disgust was like a turf that whilst a man bestowed breath upon it to enliven it it returns thanks to the well-willer by spitting fire in his face 8. Dr. Baily living at Ragland castle three years in all that time never saw man drunk nor heard an oath amongst any of all his servants and very rare it was to see a better ordered Family but that which was most wonderful was half his servants being Protestants and half Papists yet never were at variance in point of Religion which was brought about by prohibiting disputation neither was any man less accepted for his Religion if his service was acceptable but when the Castle was filled with Officers Souldiers he used to be much grieved to hear and see the Oaths and drunkenness that was then and there too much practised insomuch that when some of his chief Officers had told him how they had fortified such and such a place so and so and that here the enemy could not come and there it was impossible I but said my Lord you have left the main place open and unfortified you have made no fortification against heaven for there is such swearing and drunkenness amongst you that I fear me that from thence will come you●… greatest enemy and you have made no provision against him 9. As the Marquess was in his travel from Dneb shire toward Ragland he determined to lye in a poor Town called Bala in Mer●…neth shire where being come upon misinformation that they were enemies the people gazed on them like Owls and no Officer belonging to the Town would be spoken withal At last one of the Marquesses retinue espied a young man who had a Ribbon on his hat with Vive le Roy in it to whom he applyed himself and told him that he by his favour should be one that loved the King and that there was such a Nobleman who had served the King in no small measure who was likely to ly in the streets for want of a Lodging the young man shewed immediately great respect telling his Lordship that he should be welcom to his Mothers house who kept a poor Inn. So into the house his retinue went finding it a most lamentable receptacle for such a person yet better than none at all the Parlour where my Lord was to lye was a soft and loose ground wherein you might sink up to the ancles every step the top of the house being thatched with ill thrasht straw the corn was left in the straw wherewith the house was thatched grew and was all as green as grass The Marquess by that time that we had got a good fire and laid some loose boards over the sloor came near the house who seeing the manner of the house top and the parlour bottom said That he lay over a bog and under a Meadow but it being known who he was the Mayor of the Town with singular respect and much humanity came to the Marquess excusing his ignorance and misunderstanding offering all the civilities of his own house for which my Lord gave him many and hearty thanks breaking forth into this Meditation Lord what a thing this misunderstanding is I warrant you might but the King and Parliament confer together as you and I have done there might be as right an understanding betwixt them as there is now betwixt you and I some body hath told the Parliament that the King was an enemy and their believing of him to be such hathwrought all the jealousies which are come to these distractions the Parliament being now in such a case as I my self am having green ears over their heads and false ground under their feet 10. The Marquess of Worcester calling for a glass of Claret wine it was told him by his Physician that Claret wine was naught for his gout What said the Marquess my old friend Claret nay give it me in spight of all Physicians and their books it never shall be said that I forsook my friend for my enemy 11. The Marquess discoursing of the small profit generally got by disputation in matters of Religion said That men are often in arguing carried by the force of words f●…rther asunder than their question was at first like two ships going out of the same haven their journeys end is many times whole Countries distant 12. Drunkenness is a beastly vice and hath this property that it is one of those vices that increaseth with age which Discourse the Marquess prosecuted by a certain story of a certain Philosopher that having a drunken man brought before him to know what suitable punishment he should suffer for the offence the vice was so rarely known in those dayes that the Philosopher was wholly
in the ear and said she talks of forty years and she is far more out of question Cicero answered him again I must believe her for I have heard her say so any time these ten years 21. There was a Souldier that vanted before Julius Cesar of hurts he had received in his face Julius Cesar knowing him to be a Coward told him You were left take heed next time you run away how you look back 22. Secretary Bourns son kept a Gentlemans wife in Shropshire who lived from her husband with him when he was weary of her he caused her husband to be dealt with to take her home and offered him five hundred pounds for reparation The Gentleman went to Sir Henry Sidney to take his advice upon this offer telling him that his Wife promised now a new life to tell him truth five hundred pounds would come well with him and besides that sometimes he wanted a woman in his bed By my Troth said Sir Henry Sidney take her home and take the mony then whereas other Cukolds wear their horns plain you may near yours guilt 23. When Rablais the great jester of France lay on his death bed and they gave him the extream unction a familiar friend of his came to him afterwards and asked him how he did Rablais answered Even going my journey they have greased my boots already 24. When Vespasian passed from Jury to take upon him the Empire he went by Alexandria where remained two famous Philosophers Apollonius and Euphrates the Emperour heard them discoursing touching matters of State in the presence of many and when he was weary of them he brake off in a secret der●…sion finding their discourses but speculative and not to be put in practice said O that I might govern wise men and wise men govern me 25. Mr. Bromley Sollicitor giving in evidence for a deed which was impeached to be fraudulent was arged by the Councel on the other side with this presumption that in two former s●…its when Title was made that deed was passed over in silence and some other conveyance stood upon Mr. Justice C●…iline taking in with that side asked the Sollicitor I pray thee Mr. Sollicitor let me ask you a familiar question I have two geldings in my Stable I have divers times business of importance still I send forth one of my Geldings and not the other would you not think I set him aside for a Jade No my Lord said Bromley I would think you spared him for your own Saddle 26. Alphonso Cartillo was informed by his Steward of the greatness of his expence being such as he could not hold out with the Bishop asked him wherein it chiefly rose his Steward told him in the multitude of his Servants the Bishop bid him make a note of those that were necessary and those that might be put off which he did and the B●…shop taking occasion to read it before most of his Servants said to his Steward Well let these remain because I need them and these other because they need me 27. Queen Elizabeth was wont to say other instructions to get officers That they were like to garments strait at the first putting on but did by and by near hose enough 28. Thales as he looked upon the stars fell into the water whereupon it was after said That if he had looked into the water he might have seen the stars but looking up to the Stars he could not see the water 29. The Book of deposing Richard the second and the coming in of Henry the fourth supposed to be written by Doctor Heywood who was committed to the Tower for it had much incensed Queen Elizabeth and she asked Master Bacon being then of her learned Councel whether there were no Treason contained in it Master Bacon intending to do him a pleasure and to take off the Queens bitterness with a jest answered No Madam for Treason I cannot deliver opinion that there is any but very much felony the Queen apprehending it gladly asked how and wherein Master Bacon answered Because he had stollen many of his Sentences and conceits out of Cornelius Tacitus 30. A man and his wife in bed together she towards morning pretended her self to be ill at ease desiring to lie on her husbands side so the good man to please her came over her making some short stay in his passage over where she had not long lain but desired to lie in her old place again quoth he how can it be effected she answered come over me again I had rather said he go a mile and a half about 31. A Thief being arraigned at the Bar for stealing of a Mare in his pleading urged many things in his own behalf and at last nothing availing he told the Bench the Mare rather stole him than he the Mare which in brief he thus related that passing over several grounds about his lawful occasions he was pursued close by a fierce Mastive dog so was forced to save himself by leaping over a hedge which being of an ag●…l body he effected and in leaping a Mare standing on the other side of the hedge leaped upon her back who running furiously away with him he could not by any means stop her until he came to the next Town in which Town the owner of the Mare lived and there was he taken and here arraigned 32. Popham when he was Speaker and the lower house had sate long and done in effect nothing coming one day to Queen Elizabeth she said unto him Now Mr Speaker what hath passed in the lower House he answered If it please your Majesty seven weeks 33. Pope Xystus the fifth who was a poor mans Son and his Fathers house ill thatcht so that the Sun came in in many places would sport with his ignobility and say he was Son of an illustrious house 34. When the King of Spain conquered Portugal he gave a special charge to the Lieutenant that the Souldiers should not spoil lest he should alienate the hearts of the people The Army also suffered much scarcity of victual whereupon the Spanish Souldiers would afterwards say That they had won the King a Kingdom as the Kingdom of heaven useth to be won by fasting and abstaining from that that is another mans 35. Master Savill was asked his opinion touching Poets who answered He thought them the best Writers next to those that write Prose 36. Master Mason of Trinity Colledge sent his Pupil to another of the Fellows to borrow a Book of him who told him I am loath to lend my Books out of my Chamber but if it please thy Tutor ●…o come and read upon it in my Chamber he shal as long as he will It was winter and some daies after the same Fellow sent to Mr. Mason to borrow h●…s Bellows but Master Mason said to his Pupil I am loath to lend my Bellows out of my Chamber but if thy Tutor would come and blow the Fire in my Chamber he shall as long as